**Insert standard not-JKR disclaimer here**

Chapter 6: How Do You Measure a Year?

He knew before he opened his eyes. It had never meant much to him before, but now it was everything. And he couldn't believe it was here. He lay still for several moments after silencing his alarm with a tap of his wand, allowing himself the lag in his usual quick jumping out of bed. He had always been up and dressed before the others in the dorm, excepting the days immediately surrounding full moon, and had often been the one shaking James, Sirius, and Peter awake with fifteen minutes until breakfast. Today, however, he kept his eyes shut to the morning. He wished it were due to the lunar calendar. With tremendous effort, he sat up and swung his legs over the bed. The first thing his gaze landed on was his picture of the Marauders on his nightstand. He stared at it a few moments, his eyes lingering on their laughing faces, watching the younger, miniature versions of himself and his friends waving up at him. He closed his eyes once more, breathing deeply, and when he opened them again he was focusing on the bathroom door.

Shower, get dressed, make a cup of tea and two slices of toast with butter. Eat. Clean up, make the bed. Check bag to make sure it has a sharp quill, parchment, and ink inside. Swing it over the shoulder and pause just inside the front door to fasten the cloak from James on. Lock the door with a silent spell. It was all completely normal, and yet felt surreal. Remus' head remained in dreamlike (although perhaps that was too kind a word for it) fog all the way up the usual path to the library. He greeted Irene almost without knowing what he was saying. It was only when he immersed himself in his studying that the fog lifted, and even then tendrils of it hovered around the edges of his brain. They faded slowly as he took notes on how murtlaps could be used to deflect against minor curses, once caught and trained.

By the time he gathered his things up at noon, Remus' mind had reached the other end of the scale. He was preternaturally aware of everything: every movement, every thought. He wished for the fog back as he made his way into town again, dropping his bag off at the flat and picking up his scarf before leaving once more. He headed to the Golden Goblet and entered through the front, making his way directly to the bar. He kept his eyes on the floor, looking neither left nor right, in an attempt to avoid having to talk to anyone. It worked, although it helped that the bar was only half-full with witches and wizards on their lunch break.

Ian saw him approaching, and grinned, "Remus! Aren't you a bit early? Your shift doesn't start for more than three hours! Here for a spot of lunch?"

"Just a drink, Ian."

"Butterbeer?" Ian started to reach under the counter for Remus' usual beverage.

"Not this time. A shot of Firewhiskey, please. The good stuff." Remus placed five Sickles on the counter.

Ian didn't bother to hide his surprise. "Sure." He walked to the back of the bar and after a few moments returned with a shot glass full of amber liquid, which was smoking slightly, and set it before his employee. "Celebrating the holiday?"

Remus glanced up at the black-and-orange streamers and paper pumpkins Maddie had obviously enchanted to float across the ceiling. He smiled at Ian, hoping his eyes were not once again giving his emotions away. "You could say that." He took his shot glass over to his usual table in the back corner by the window.

He stared into the Firewhiskey for what seemed like years, feeling the warmth it gave off through the glass and wishing it reached deeper than his fingertips. He immersed himself so thoroughly in his memory that he did not notice Lyra watching him as she served customers.

"Moony, wake up! Wake up, you prat!"

Remus jerked away from Sirius' pillow as he came suddenly into consciousness. James and Peter were standing slightly behind him, fully dressed and laughing. He snatched the pillow out of Sirius' hands. "What the hell do you think you're doing? What time is it?"

"Midnight. Come on, get dressed, we're going out," James answered.

"Out? We can't go out." Remus lay back down and drew his blankets over himself again as if that were the end of the conversation. Sirius took his pillow back and promptly resumed beating Remus with it until he sat up once more.

"These say we can." James held up the Map and his Invisibility Cloak. "C'mon, we're going to Hogsmeade."

"And why, pray tell, do we have to sneak to Hogsmeade at midnight when there's another weekend visit in less than a month?"

"He really can be thick sometimes for all his intelligence," Sirius said to James, and turned back to the bed, "It's midnight— correction, 12:03— on the 17th. Of November. 1976." Sirius paused. "Get it now?"
Understanding dawned. Remus suddenly became fully awake. It was his birthday. He had been seventeen for three— no, four— minutes. Still, his conscience tugged at him. "Okay, I get it. But guys, I'm a prefect. I can't just go breaking the rules whenever I feel like it."

"Never seems to bother you on full moon. Come on, Moony, this is a momentous occasion. It's not every day a Marauder comes of age," James insisted.

"Don't worry, we won't get caught," Peter promised, looking terrified at the possibility.

"Worm's right. This is hardly the first time we've prowled Hogwarts by night. Now get your arse out of bed and let's go, or we won't get there in time." Sirius whacked him with the pillow once more, for good measure.

Remus got out of bed and began pulling on clothes, his reluctance fading into excitement. "In time for what?"

"In time for The Hog's Head to still be open. Can't risk The Three Broomsticks. Madam Rosmerta knows us too well and she might just report us to Dumbledore if we walked into her pub at 1 AM on a school night," Sirius explained.

By this point Remus was ready. James rapped him and Peter sharply on the head with his wand, Disillusioning them, while he and Sirius squeezed under the Cloak. Gone were the days when all four of them would fit under it. It was extremely tight even to fit James, Sirius, and Peter on full moons, to get them down to the Whomping Willow undetected. James watched the Map as they crept to the mirror on the fourth floor. Once they slipped into the passageway behind it, they power-walked for twenty minutes until they came up in an alleyway of Hogsmeade. The trapdoor faded back into the concrete the second Peter dropped it behind him, vanishing to anyone who did not know the password. A clever addition on the Marauders' part to improve Hogwarts' system of secret passageways. They headed down the street to the pub, Sirius in front.

Remus had gotten over his guilt for the time being, wrapped up in the thrill of the adventure. Before becoming friends with James and Sirius, he would never have considered stepping out of line like this, much less guessed that he would do so and not even care. Before meeting James and Sirius, he hadn't had anyone to do so with. He and Peter were alike that way, though for different reasons. He hung back at a table with Peter as the others approached the bar, where a sleepy-looking elderly man leaned against the counter.

"We need a fifth of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey. Unopened. The oldest year you have," Sirius said confidently, holding the bartender's eyes, "I'll know if you're giving us the watered-down one you use here instead of the good stuff, so don't try that. We need the best you have."

The bartender glared and eyed Sirius suspiciously, but Sirius jingled his money sack lightly. The man shuffled into the back and was gone for what seemed to Remus like a very long time before he returned with a dusty bottle. Sirius wiped it down, peered at the label, and nodded approvingly. He and James argued with the bartender in low voices for a minute, and Remus got the distinct impression he wasn't to hear. They knew his ears would be like a normal human's just now, as it was over two weeks until the next full moon. Then money changed hands, and although Remus could not see well (he suspected James had positioned his body that way on purpose), he did catch a glint of gold and heard several coins clinking. He wondered with some guilt how many Galleons James and Sirius had forked over for what he knew was the highest-quality Firewhiskey. He knew they would never tell him. If you asked him right at that moment, Remus reflected, he would not have one single thing in his life changed.

"C'mon," James said as they returned, "We're not hanging around here."

"I can't believe he let you have it! He had to know you're a student!" Peter squeaked the moment they were outside.

Sirius started leading them toward the edge of town. "It's my natural charm. No one can resist me." He ran his fingers through his, letting it fall back into place perfectly.

"And your gold?" Remus suggested.

Sirius and James looked at him sharply, but seeing only amusement and gratitude, they relaxed. Sirius answered, "Well, that didn't hurt, either." All four laughed and they continued for some minutes, now quietly as they were in the residential area of the village. When they had passed the last of the houses and started up the hill, Remus finally asked, "Where in Merlin's name are we going? Not-?"

James caught his half-glance toward the Shrieking Shack. "Don't be ridiculous. You think we would try to make you go there on your birthday? You wound me, Moony." He pantomimed a dagger to the heart. Remus shoved him, laughing, and a good-natured scuffle broke out as they climbed higher. After about fifteen minutes— though the steepness made it seem much longer— they finally arrived at a cave. Following the others inside, Remus saw that it had been decked out with candles, cushions, snacks, and three wrapped gifts sitting in the center of everything. Red and gold streamers floated across the rocky ceiling.

"Whoa. You guys really planned. How did you even know this place was here?" Remus asked as they all sat on cushions.

The others glanced at each other. Peter said quietly, "We found it during full moon last year. We wondered if you would remember."

The others knew that since he had been with them on full moons, he had been getting flashes of near-lucidity in his transformed state. These were becoming more frequent the longer he spent full moons with the Animagi, but the majority of each night was still lost to him. He said simply, "No, I don't remember this."

The silence reigned only for a second before Sirius broke it cheerfully. "Well, hurry up and start opening your presents so we can break into this bad boy." He shook the bottle of Firewhiskey.

The slight tenseness vanished in a ripple of laughter. Remus leaned forward and grabbed one of the gifts, which Peter immediately said was his. Remus unwrapped it to find a beautiful, leather-bound copy of Defense Through the Ages. He had admired it in Flourish and Blotts when they were there buying their schoolbooks over the summer, but had been unable to spare the money even for the paperback after he'd bought his supplies. He hadn't known Peter had seen him. He thanked Peter sincerely and moved on to another gift, which James claimed. This one was a set of velvet-edged silk dress robes, the exact shade of silver-grey that matched Remus' eyes. They were clearly custom-made of the highest quality. Remus had never owned a set of brand-new robes, always having to purchase second-hand. His awed whisper of thanks was met with a warm smile from James. He reached for the final gift in the center, which Sirius didn't have to announce as his. This one, when Remus tore the wrapping off, was a wooden box, and he lifted the lid to reveal a wizard's chess set, the pieces carved out of black and white marble. For several moments, Remus could only gape.

"There's one more," James said, when Remus had barely recovered his senses, "From all of us." He pointed his wand toward the back of the cave, "Accio Remus' gift!" He caught the box that flew toward him and handed it over.

This wrapping came off to expose another box, which Remus opened to find four ceramic dinner plates. Around the edges, inscribed in flashing red and gold, were the words Marauders Moony Wormtail Padfoot Prongs, circling the plate so each appeared twice. He looked up, "Wow, guys… just, wow. I can't thank you enough."

"You already have," Sirius answered, "Besides, that last one is really a gift for all of us. We'll eat off them when we share a flat after next year." He pointed his wand behind him and waved four shot glasses over, settling one in front of each of them. Remus noticed Peter's eyes grow large; Peter still had not mastered non-verbal spells. Sirius twisted the cap off the Firewhiskey and poured a full one for each of them. "Now let's toast."

James raised his glass. "To Moony, the first of us to come of age."

Peter followed. "To friendship and Marauding."

Sirius raised his glass next. "To courage and loyalty and the Gryffindor spirit."

Everyone looked at Remus. He sat a few seconds, basking in the joy of the end of his best year to date and the anticipation of the beginning of a better one, then raised his glass in the shortest toast yet: "To us." They drank.

Remus came back to the present. He raised his current shot glass toward the window, staring into the empty street, silently toasting the past, and swallowed the amber liquid. He did not cough and splutter as he had that first time on his coming-of-age, but nor did he feel warmed by the rush of heat that spread from the stomach outward. He breathed deeply, reining in his emotions. With a flick of his wand, he sent the empty glass sailing over the heads of the patrons to land in the hand Ian held out for it. He stood and without making eye contact with anyone left the bar. Lyra watched through the window as he stood motionless in the street for several moments, staring at something she could not see, before he turned on his heel and Disapparated.

He stood on the outskirts of the village for awhile, thinking about how the little Muggle children would soon be running from house to house in their costumes, collecting candy, the smaller ones pursued by weary parents. He had always thought the Muggle tradition quaint, even if many of his friends thought it crazy. He steeled himself, then moved forward. He walked without seeing until he ran headlong into a boy, about nine. He apologized, and the boy grinned, "No problem. And nice wizard costume, mister!" As he ran off, Remus smiled slightly in spite of himself. He had not thought to change out of his robes and cloak; he supposed it was convenient that it should happen on a day where everyone would simply think he was full of the Halloween spirit. He continued into the heart of town, watching where he was going now, and that's when he saw it. The statue, a memorial for soldiers lost in combat from a distance, shivered and transformed as he approached. It became a statue of them, the three of them. He stopped dead before it, unable to tear his eyes away. The Wizarding memorial had not yet been erected when last he was there, and he wondered when it had been, and why Dumbledore hadn't told him. At last Remus came to himself, and hurried onward to the cemetery, not looking back.

He passed through the kissing gate and made his way straight toward the newest graves, stopping in front of the appropriate stone. It was still almost as shiny as the day he watched the coffins lowered underneath it; without the dates, no one would ever guess it had been there a year already. He knelt down slowly on the frost-stiff grass and leaned forward to trace the letters with his fingertip: J, A, M, E, S and, after a pause, L, I, L, Y. Remus swallowed convulsively, and whispered, "Hi, Prongs, Lils. I-I'm sorry I didn't make it by for your birthday, mate. It was just—" he choked, "too soon." And then he was weeping, sobbing as he had not in months. He sat back and pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face in them. All the days of going about his work, of pretending he was fine— all the grief held back— burst. He didn't even try to rein in his emotions, as he would anywhere else or on any other day. He just waited for the storm to blow itself out. When it finally had, while still aching inside, he felt as though a 16-ton weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Allowing himself to act as he felt now and then was very therapeutic. He started to stand to leave, but changed his mind and sat cross-legged before the headstone. Although the storm was past and his emotions calmer (if not less keen), he was not quite ready to leave.

"Part of me is trying to believe it can't really have been 365 days without you already, despite what my mind knows. Some mornings I still wake up and think I'm going to swing by after work for dinner or a cup of tea, or just to tell about something ridiculous that happened." Remus spoke softly to the stone before him, the same way he'd spent the last year trying to stop talking inside his head. But today he would grant himself such luxuries. "And then… the other part feels like it's been an eternity, that it cannot possibly have been a mere 12 months without all of you." He laughed humorlessly. "To be honest, if you'd asked me before last Halloween what I would do should I ever lose you guys, I would have said die. And I don't mean off myself; you know well enough that even if I felt like it, that's never something I would do. Just that I would never have thought I could withstand full moons without you guys again … I would have said that I'd survive a few months, maybe, before my body gave in. A year or two tops. Well, I've made the one… still physically intact, mostly. More scars… so much for what you said that one time at school about my having enough already. They're so much worse than I remember, the transformations; I got used to being taken care of, I guess. I hope you can't see them, wherever you are…

I also hope that you can't see where your son is, especially you, Lily. I offered to take him, Prongs… you know I would have. But Dumbledore wouldn't let me. He had good reasons, but… well, we'll see. Perhaps Petunia will redeem herself yet, Lil. I'm studying Defense again now, you know, so I'll be able to help him later. I swear I'll protect him, James, if it costs me everything. I won't fail him like I did you. I won't betray your trust like Sirius. Do you think-?" Remus stopped. He couldn't go there, even now. Not yet. He sighed heavily and rose, rubbing his arms briskly to induce feeling in them again.

"I know what you'd tell me, that it's been a year and I should be moving on. That I'm allowed to have a life. That if I really wanted to honor you guys, I'd be happy again. I'm trying, Prongs, I really am. I know it doesn't seem like it most of the time. There's this girl I work with, Lyra, and she makes me forget, every once in a while. Which is a good thing, I suppose, even if my heart doesn't think so. I can't say I'll be back to visit soon; you know me, how I focus on studying. And you know how much… effort… it takes. Merlin knows it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you." Remus stood gazing down at the stone for a while longer, saying all the things that didn't have words to them, not in life or death. With a discreet twist of his wand, a bouquet of white roses and blue forget-me-nots appeared propped against the marker. "And James…Lily… if I didn't mention it yet— I miss you." He exhaled slowly, and crouched down to trace the letters again, but not their names this time. This time, he traced I,N, L,O,V,I,N,G, M,E,M,O,R,Y.

A/N: The title of this chapter is a line from the song "Seasons of Love" in the musical Rent. Generally I don't use song-lyrics as titles, but this one was just too perfect. Bonus points to any Monty Python fans who spot the MPFC reference. Reviews appreciated (I cannot express how greatly) and responded to!