Thanks so, so much to Nina, Tracy, and Indira.
I don't own Twilight.
"You're not much of a dancer."
"Are you?"
"Yes."
"Show me."
"Not here."
"Where else?"
"In our room..."
"Don't breathe on me like that."
"It makes you stupid."
He's pink. It does. I do it again.
"I can see down your dress."
"Stop being tall."
"You're tall, too."
"Just tonight. And I'm the perfect height, for this..."
I kiss the skin behind his ear. He shivers.
"You're the most handsome man here," I tell him. "Or ever."
He laughs and I pull him closer to me.
"Stop pulling on my tie, Bella."
"This song is romantic. And I like ties, especially skinny ones like this... You're holding me because the champagne makes my knees weak. You smell delicious. I keep remembering how you looked when you were all wet earlier, before you put on your shirt, and I wanted to lick the hair all the way down to your c—"
"Bella..."
I whisper the word he didn't let me say in his ear once, twice, and he's all, "Oh God" and I'm giggling.
"Maybe we should go back to our room. There must be a correlation between what the champagne does to me and what I want to do to you. As long as you don't touch my hair..."
"See? It wouldn't work," he says. "I'd grab it, and pull it, and play with it. Show you how fast or how slow I want it. We can't have that."
His words make me weaker. I'd fall, but he's holding on so tight. He's so beautiful tonight. He's a god. Or something. He cleans up so well. And if I can't be a goddess for him, I'll be his slave, the human he wants to play with, anything, anything he wants.
"I think Jasper wants—"
I shake my head. "He's had enough."
"He's a better dancer," Edward points out.
"I'm not letting go."
He smiles. Just a little arrogant. He knows it's him.
I've done everything to show him, remind him.
Maybe now he'll start acting like himself.
"I hate Michael Bublé."
"You too?" I cry. "He's so annoying. I don't need to hear your version of perfectly wonderful songs."
"Right? And this one? It's just too fast."
"Let's go outside."
He takes my hand and we walk away from the dancers, right past Mrs. Hale and her very young friend, someone she must have met tonight. She smiles, and interrupting her own conversation, says, "I'm going to say it again—you look beautiful, Bella. That dress is lovely." Her friend turns and looks at me while I'm saying "thank you" and smiling back. I tell Mrs. Hale she looks great, too, and that the blue makes her eyes pop out. She waves me away, laughing because my compliments are silly. They're not. She's a beautiful woman. She starts telling her friend about me as Edward and I continue our path to the terrace. Only good things.
"She likes 'em young," Edward says.
"It's not like that."
"He was staring at your chest."
"Get over it," I sigh. We've discussed this dress and my chest and the straps at least half a dozen times tonight. "I hardly have a chest."
"True, but what you have is at least twenty-five years younger than what he's gonna be seeing tonight."
"It's not like that. She doesn't sleep around. She's just very friendly and outgoing. People flock to her. Don't say shit like that, these people are like family."
"Long forgotten family," he mumbles.
"Really? Try that again. This time, enunciate. I could barely make out what you said."
"Long fo—" I grab his arm and fake-punch him in the stomach, so he stops.
"Stop being a dick, please," I whisper. "I asked you last night on our way to dinner, and I'm asking you again now. Please just make this easy for me. If you want to ignore me, be inattentive, cruel, or just rude, fine. Wait until tomorrow afternoon."
"I'm not... Forget it."
It's quiet out here. A small group of people are having a fun, happy conversation a few feet away from us. Reminiscing, retelling old tales, correcting little facts, arguing, laughing a lot.
"I'm tired."
"Want me to get you some water? Maybe you've had too much to drink," he says.
"No, thank you. I'm fine. I've only had two glasses of champagne. I need to be sober when Jasper's dad comes looking for me. Or maybe I need more champagne..."
"Bella?"
"What?"
"It's going to be fine," Edward tells me. "He was friendly earlier. He just wants to talk."
"I don't want to talk."
"Why not?"
I don't care who's here and what they know about me. I wrap my arms around my boyfriend and press my face against his shoulder. When I look up, I see tired eyes. I see long lashes. I see sleepless nights. I see the beginning of scruff that I'm going to feel against my skin tomorrow. I frown, then I try to smile, and if it doesn't show on my face, I feel it inside.
"It'll be fine. I can come with you—"
"No, you don't want to come with me," I promise.
"Tell me what's wrong."
So I tell him what Jasper told me earlier, right after the ceremony, when Edward had to use the restroom. For a good minute, the words I heard made my ears ring and my heart pound, and I wanted to find his father and ask him to confirm what I'd been told. An actual position. In New York. Stay as long as you want. If you hate it, leave, go back to school. If you like it, enjoy. Who cares about the details? Of course you're qualified. It's just consulting work. Dad would've hired you straight out of school, but you wanted to come to DC. It sounds good, right? Irina agreed. You'll be back in civilization in no time. But you want to stay uptown—Jasper made a stupid decision, and he's going to regret signing that lease. A loft? I shook my head. Of course not. Irina's hand was on my shoulder. I'd just have to tell Edward it's for the best. He's such a good guy, he'll understand. Jasper nodded. What kind of asshole would stand in the way of an opportunity like that?
"Jasper would. To keep you around," Edward tells me when I'm done.
I drop my arms and take a step back from him.
"Come here," he says.
He kisses my forehead.
"Do you want to go back so soon?"
"I don't know..." The thought of being anywhere without him makes me stop having any other thoughts. I haven't considered anything else. Not the position, which I honestly don't know much about at this point. Not the prospect of making money, affording things, no longer having to rely on my parents for a roof over my head. I haven't allowed myself to think, because he's been with me all night. And even though he hasn't been perfect today, he's still him, and I want to wake up in the bed in the new house next week, and the week after that, and I want to know how the trees outside his window look when the seasons change. Is the old heater we were warned about going to be enough this coming winter? Will I be wearing long socks and searching for his legs to keep mine warm all night? These are the things I think about. I don't want to think about anything else.
"If he's offering this position now, I'm sure he can offer you another one when you're ready," Edward says.
"It doesn't work that way. And I'm not the kind of person who rejects opportunities when they're presented..."
"I'm just not sure you're ready. You're still having a hard time being around people, Bella."
"I've been fine," I insist.
"You've been by my side, or Jasper and Irina's, the entire time."
"I'm fine."
"Baby," he says softly, "you spent the entire night crying."
"That's because I realized how much I'd missed my friends, how much I'd missed going out, and just having people to talk to. I can't stay in Forks anymore. People have jobs, they have lives... Things are going on everywhere, and I've lost touch with the world. It made me sad."
"You're under a lot of pressure—"
I throw him a look that tells him to shut up. "I'm really not. It's just... after everything that's happened this week, I need to know where I'm going. I can't sit back and watch anymore. It's not in my nature to..."
"Then tell—"
"I'm just confused."
He doesn't say anything. I look up into his eyes. I look at his lips. They don't move. I look down at the fingers playing with my hair, twirling it, brushing against my skin. They move up until they're under my chin, and then I'm being kissed.
"Kiss me back," he says. "Where's the girl who was flirting with me on the dance floor?"
"Back on our couch in Forks, desperate not to leave it."
He's kissing me again. His hands are moving down my sides, and then up, and I'm running my nails up and down the back of his neck, and then I'm tugging on his hair, and tasting his tongue, and I'm excited everywhere, and I need to breathe. He kisses my face, my hands. He whispers apologies that make me cringe a little, because they do nothing but remind me of his strange behavior. He says he's just a little jealous. He says he's just very, very nervous. He says he couldn't possibly deserve me, but he doesn't think anyone else could either, so why not let him try, because he swears he'd try the hardest.
I shush him and grin and flirt and hold his hands.
"Let's go back inside," I suggest. "This song is sweet, and all you have to do is sway with me."
I'm the one leading him back inside, and I glance over my shoulder a few times just to see his red, red lips. They're always such traitors, telling the world he's just kissed a girl long and hard and real. I giggle and squeeze his hand. He squeezes back, but he's gone, again, looking straight ahead, a peculiar expression on his face. I hear my name before I can ask him what's wrong.
"Isabella, I found you," a very familiar voice tells me in a very familiar accent. I find myself looking into the eyes of a woman I've seen on television more times than I can count. A woman who was jubilant last year, praising me in ways I never wanted to be praised. A woman I truly admired, even when I found myself angry and annoyed each time I went on her blog... can you even call it a blog anymore?
"I told you last year, get in touch with me. I've been trying to find you for months, but you're hiding and it's impossible. Let's talk. How long are you in town for?"
"Just until tomorrow," I manage to reply. "But I'm not interested in doing any sort of story. I'm sure you've spoken with—"
"No, no story. William Hale is in there bragging to my friends about you, because he knows I've been asking around. I've got something better, Isabella. I know you have opinions. I have an idea for a column, and I've read your work back when you were at Williams, I have people who can't put two sentences together writing for me. I'm going to give you my card—don't tell anyone, no business at a wedding, Carmen will be angry—and I expect you to call first thing Monday..."
She goes on and on, and I just let her speak. I think she's drunk, and at one point I want to tell her she's a hypocrite, because I remember her reaction to a scandal similar to the one I was involved in, when a Democrat was the one under attack, but I think it would be so random to just bring that up, especially when she hasn't even mentioned my past. Also, I'm not naïve or stupid enough to think hypocrisy of that sort doesn't exist in politics. And why would I do that to someone who was actually sort of, almost, kind of on my side? And someone who wants me to write for a very popular news website that my boyfriend is obsessed with?
Edward.
I introduce them. She looks at him like he's something to eat. He is, lady. And back off. He judges cougars.
And then I agree to call her. And she tells me I look great. And someone catches her eye. And she's gone.
"Holy shit."
"I know."
"I just wanted to hear her say 'William' or 'Williams' a few more times," Edward says. "Her accent's even stronger in person."
"She's probably wasted."
"Holy shit. I can't believe she's here. She was on Real Time last night. Bella, are you gonna call her?"
"When did you get a chance to watch... No, I don't know, I don't think so."
"Why not?" he asks me.
"Do I look like I want to do something like that? Be in the public eye?"
Edward laughs. "Have an awesome job writing for a legitimate site? I don't know, it's kind of like you're stealing my dreams and—"
"Since when has that been your dream?" I stop him.
"I mean, you know I'm into that kind of stuff, and I want to go back to school and study this country's political history, so..."
He speaks, and I only half-listen, looking out at the people dancing, having fun, celebrating. I'm thinking about what just happened, and my mind is working overtime formulating responses to questions she's going to have for me when I call her on Monday. It's coming up with questions I need to ask. Specific ones, general ones, questions that I won't enjoy asking, but which need to be addressed. Could I do something like that? Am I excited only because Edward is? Or is it because I'm not a social leper right now?
People are speaking to me. They're polite. They're respectful. Most people avoid me, but it's never in a rude way. They're not leering, they're not whispering—they can do that when they're in the privacy of their hotel rooms, or back at their homes. Even if this isn't what the rest of the world is like, it's good for tonight, and it shows me that there are people who are willing to be on my side publicly. I had doubted that, even when the Hales put together an entire legal team for me and handed me the keys to their apartment. I thought that was nothing but pity. But this? This isn't pity. And neither is Mr. Hale's potential offer... even though the second I think this, I'm doubting myself already.
"...which is why I was thinking of applying to Stanford, but that's not what I want to do. I still think—"
"Wow, slow down. And I can hardly hear you over the music," I tell Edward.
"Yeah, we can talk about it later. Wanna dance?"
He kisses the back of my hand. He's all giddy and his eyes are wild and he's a boy. He likes talking about the future, school, possibilities. And he's impressed, and excited for me. I pinch his cheek, and he doesn't even slap my hand away. He just laughs. I don't care that he can't dance. I nod a lot at whatever he's saying, because I'm a little giddy, too. I just got a taste of what I want.
So I show him how I can dance, like he asked me to. It's so much fun, just being with him, and moving and twirling and shaking and even grinding, just a little, because why not? He's clumsy, and I'm laughing. I don't know the words to any songs, and he teases me, singing them with a cocky smile. And when he throws his head back, laughing, I see his tongue, and I blush, thinking about him, and it, and tonight, and tomorrow morning, and he's randomly twirling me again, because he doesn't know any other moves, and I'm dizzy.
XxXxX
Wow.
Mr. Hale is still as intimidating as ever. The last forty-eight minutes of my life went by quickly, but a lot was covered. I endured a job interview for a position I had never applied to, and I had to undergo a barrage of questions about my finances, my plans, my goals, what I've been up to for an entire year, and the people I continue to associate with.
He never approved of Peter, and I should give Tanya more credit for everything she's done for me. I nodded in agreement, and he started talking about conditions, things I would have to agree to. This time I didn't nod, but respectfully told him that I needed some time. Of course I did. He reminded me of the terms, told me Jasper would be waiting for me outside, and wished me luck.
"Bella," he called as I was leaving.
"Yes?"
"Have you been in touch with Garrett?"
"No, I have not."
I'm not sure why he asked, because he looked like he already knew the answer to his own question. Whatever his reason was, it still bothered me, and Jasper sensed something was up when I ran into him outside. He offered to buy me a drink at the bar, away from the wedding and his father and our rooms.
"Hey, relax," he tells me, finally back with our drinks. "You've had a crazy couple of days. That's why I decided to tell you about Dad's offer myself. I wanted you to know what you were walking into."
"I appreciate that. I just didn't expect to have two possible job opportunities being presented to me this weekend. I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I mean, I went to Forks to fix things with my family, and I've failed to accomplish anything on that front. Now I have the complication of a boyfriend. I just made him get his own place and..."
"Hold up, two possible job opportunities?"
So I tell him about what happened earlier, and Jasper agrees that we should continue to weigh my options and discuss the pros and cons after I have more information, hopefully in a couple of days.
"But it's settled," he says. "Whatever you decide to do, you're leaving Washington."
"I didn't say that."
"Stay in LA this week, or we can fly back east. We need to think about this."
"No, Edward has to be back in Forks by Monday," I tell him.
"You realize he's not a part of your future, right?"
"Jasper, come on. The two of you need to stop this."
"Bella, all I'm saying is that you have to take these opportunities and use them to move forward with your life. Your plan right now consists of waiting for your boyfriend to get into grad school... and what? Follow him there?" Jasper asks.
"That is not my plan."
"So I'll say it again—it's settled, you're leaving Washington."
"I guess... I'll have to see what happens on Monday, and I'll have to think about your father's conditions, but yeah, I think in the end, I can't refuse a job, can I?"
He shakes his head. "It would be very unwise."
I put down my drink and pick out the smallest ice cube. I place it in my mouth and suck, thinking about everything I need to think about. All the things I have to consider—parents, my boyfriend... my career?
"You still do that?" Jasper asks me.
I nod. He grins.
"You look beautiful tonight."
I roll my eyes, making a "hmmm" sound.
"No, I'm serious. Last night, too. You look better than you have in a long, long time. This is the most beautiful I've ever seen you."
"Thank you."
He grabs my hands, holding them tight in his.
"I miss you. I know you're in love with him, but when you make your decision, think about me, too. I've always fought for you. I will always... Leaving you, being with Alice, those were stupid mistakes, but my biggest mistake was listening to you when you said you needed to be alone last year. I shouldn't have left your side. I would've seen what this was doing to you, and I would have made you talk to your parents, fix things earlier. I would have flown them to New York to be with you..."
"No, this is my mess. Stop..."
Just like Edward earlier this evening, he kisses my hands. My fingers, my palms, and I'm trying to pull away, but his lips are on my wrists.
"Come on, stop. You're not in love with me," I cry. He lets go. "You haven't been in years."
"You have no idea what love is."
But I do. I also know words and feelings like guilt, regret, loneliness, nostalgia. They can all be confused with love. And yet his eyes... they make me wonder, until I decide not to. I stand up and run my fingers through his hair.
"I'll see you tomorrow? At brunch?" I ask him.
He nods.
I give him a kiss on the cheek. "Tell Irina if I move back to the city, I'm choosing the cheapest neighborhood closest to my best friend."
"Chinatown's gonna suck, Swan."
"Not if you're around."
XxXxX
The room is dark and quiet, and the bed is empty. I struggle with my dress, wondering where Edward is, until he's right here, behind me, appearing out of nowhere. He helps me out of it, and walks over to the window. He's in his shirt, tie off, jacket off, pants off. I want to say something random and cheerful, maybe point out that no one else thought the color of my dress was inappropriate. But he's silent, and he's staring out windows, and we were dancing just over an hour ago. Dancing and laughing and being in love.
I go to him, and I wrap my arms around his waist, and I rest my cheek on his back.
"Hey..."
He shakes his head.
"Don't want to talk?" I ask.
No... Okay.
"Okay."
I don't let go. I stand still like this, my hands playing with the buttons on his shirt, fingers sometimes touching skin, mostly not. He's too quiet. I haven't done anything. He has no reason. I feel myself getting angry, but I have nothing to say. I just want him to be sweet tonight, tell me it's okay tonight, help me figure things out tonight. I don't want to cry, but I'm sniffling a little, thinking about my conversation with Jasper, and the decisions I'm going to be making soon.
"Sorry, I'll stop," I say. I know he hates the crying.
"You're leaving me, aren't you?"
so, was the smutty epov okay? the chapter? your week?
your words mean the world to me, please share them.
xo