The Jack Attack

Now, for those of you who are Torchwood fans, I have placed them in my own pairings. So I've completely taken Torchwood and squeezed it into a ball of putty and moulded it again into what I want. And also spoilers for some Torchwood episodes and Boom Town and Tooth and Claw. Takes place around the beginning of series one of Torchwood, before The Battle of Canary Wharf. There is some strong language, by the way.

Captain Jack Harkness was not exactly having the best day. Okay, it was the worst day he'd had in a long, long time.

First, Weevils started to appear all over Cardiff, and then Swansea. With there only being five people on team, they were stretched thin enough as it was trying to keep Cardiff covered, never mind Swansea.

Second, a power cut covering the whole of South Wales left the base in complete darkness, with Tosh complaining that she couldn't get into her computer. Owen and Ianto were both moaning over the absence of a working coffee machine; Owen because he needed a cup (or three) to cure his hangover, Ianto because ... well, he had nothing to do otherwise.

And to top it all off, he now had a crying Gwen on his hands. A crying Gwen was about as useful as a singing toaster. Now, Gwen had been doing her fair share of cheating on Rhys. Everyone had seen the 'sneaky' kiss with Owen. But when Rhys broke up with her, she insisted she loved him. They were trying to work it out over the phone, whilst the rest of the team listened in.

"I don't know what she sees in him to be honest. He's a bit of a wanker."

Jack nodded at Owen's comment. "He's all brawn and no brains."

"Now, don't go making fun of Gwen. Obviously she's found someone she likes, even if he is a little bit ... bolshy. It's more than can be said for anyone else here," said Tosh, always the peacekeeper.

"He's a wanker," Owen confirmed.

"Owen, leave your own romantic feelings for Gwen out of this. She's going through a hard time and we should all be there for her. All of us and the pizza, of course," Ianto added, gesturing to the pizza (he hoped; he couldn't really see in the dark) which was half-eaten and rapidly going cold.

"Yeah," Jack said. Tosh squealed.

"I think we're getting power back!" she said, jabbing buttons left, right and centre to [to test her theory. The lights flared up thirty seconds later, to Ianto's sarcastic clapping and the sound of Owen running across to the coffee machine.

"Thank God. We're not vampires, people who run the electrics!" Jack yelled to the ceiling. Gwen threw a glare at Jack before going back to her phone conversation.

It was the first thing that had gone right today. The second was around fifteen minutes away.

It was one o'clock in the afternoon when Rose and the Doctor finally left Jackie's, much to the Doctor's chagrin. They finally left with Rose's bag of clean washing, a mince pie and a lemon cheesecake, both home-cooked by Jackie (she said she needed a new pet project now that her daughter was away - although Rose didn't like that fact that she basically called her a pet project) and another bag of clothes Jackie had bought for Rose.

When Jackie proudly presented them to her daughter, Rose's expression was enough to know that those clothes would be hidden in the TARDIS wardrobe, never again to see the light of day.

"Now, don't be gone too long, mind," Jackie said, as if Rose was going on a night out. "I wanna visit from you two next week. A fortnight at the latest, anyway. I'll be calling to see how you are." Jackie always said the same before they left; only today she'd included the Doctor in her speech. He looked both taken aback and slightly touched, although Rose could tell he was trying to hide it best he could.

"See you next year, Jackie!" The Doctor chimed as he walked away from the flat.

"Oi!" Jackie yelled, but smiled as the Doctor turned around and flashed a cheeky grin.

"Kidding!"

"I bet he wasn't," Jackie said to Rose, who was still giving her a hug.

Rose giggled. "Probably not," she said, "but I'll make sure he brings me back at least for Christmas."

"Christmas is a month away, Rose. You better come back before then."

"'Course, Mum," Rose lied, knowing that the next time she'd see her mother would be Christmas. "See you later. Love you."

"Love ya too, sweetie." Jackie's voice was sad as she watched her daughter struggle with armfuls of bags and cooking.

"Can't you come and give me a hand?" Rose yelled at the Doctor, who was standing against the TARDIS, waving.

The Doctor sighed. "Can't you do anything, you silly ape?" he said affectionately, and relieved her of her bags of washing, leaving Rose to carry the cooking.

Rose scowled at him. "I can do lots of things. I can touch my nose with my tongue, look," she said, demonstrating.

The Doctor tried, but he couldn't do it. Stumped by the new problem, he went cross-eyed as he tried in vain to get his tongue to touch his nose.

Rose laughed. "You can't do it, haha!" she said, pointing at him and laughing. The Doctor glared at her and stalked away towards the TARDIS, trying to ignore Rose's laughter following him.

"Right! We're all set. Cardiff 2008, here we come!" The Doctor said, rubbing his hands together as he and Rose rushed around the TARDIS console like lunatics, pushing buttons and grabbing levers.

"Can I ask a question?" Rose said, holding on to the TARDIS as she thrashed her way through the Vortex.

"Shoot."

"Did you actually take, and pass, a test to fly this thing?"

"Of course."

"Really?" Rose's voice was laced with scepticism.

"I took the test. I never said anything about passing it."

"Evidently."

"Oi!" The Doctor looked up from the console. "Are you saying my driving skills are less than spectacular?"

Rose gave him a look. "Less than spectacular is an understatement. They are shocking."

The Doctor opened his mouth to respond, but was cut short by the TARDIS throwing him to the ground. Rose came barrelling into him half a second later, his body acting as a shield between her and a support strut.

"Sorry ..." she muttered weakly, getting to her feet.

"Don't worry about it," he replied, using the support beam to pull himself to his feet as Rose got her bearings again. "Cardiff!" He clapped his hands together, before pressing a button that let the TARDIS soak up the energy the Rift generated. "We have about 24 hours until she's finished and, quite frankly, after that questionable lunch I'm famished." Jackie had served soup – only it was more like water than soup.

Rose nodded. "I love my mum and all, but cooking is not one of her talents," she said. "So, dinner?"

"Dinner."

The two left the TARDIS to her own devices and stepped outside excitedly, only to be greeted by a harsh eastern wind hitting their faces. "Ooh, chilly," the Doctor said, pulling his coat further around him. Rose tucked her chin into her scarf.

"So where are we going for dinner?"

"Anywhere but there," he replied, pointing to the restaurant he had dined in last time he was in Cardiff, back in his Ninth body. He had gone to dinner with Margaret Blaine, who was Slitheen – she had pretended to be a mayor so she could blow up the Earth. All in all, she wasn't one of the top ten people he had ever taken to dinner. Luckily, the number one person was standing right beside him, her small hand clasped tightly in his, laughing at his comment.

"Ooh, remember Margaret? That was a day and a half. And I got to say Raxic-"

"Don't even go there, Rose. It'll take you the whole of dinner to get it right anyway. There's a place! I think it's Italian ..." he trailed off, looking at the menu on the outside. To Rose, it seemed very posh.

"Why don't we go to that restaurant we went to with Jack? And he told us about his naked dash to his ship?" Rose said, looking up at him.

"I suppose so," he said, looking down at her. "It was quite good that place, eh? Nice scones. With jam. And marmalade."

"God, marmalade on the brain, you have. Let's go ... if we parked in the same place, I think it's that way." He pointed the north, and Rose nodded. The two set off, swinging hands and talking about trivial things like dodgy dimension stabilisers. Well, for all of thirty seconds, until a very manly voice yelled out:

"ROOOOOOSSSSEEEEEEEEEE!"

Rose turned around sharply, her hair flyaway in the wind. The Doctor also turned, looking to see who was running towards them like something out of an old romantic comedy.

"JACK!" Rose yelled, equally as loud, as Jack reached them, and attacked Rose with a bear hug that could have lasted decades. "What's up?" she said, her voice muffled as Jack's military jacket smothered her.

"Not much, doll," he said, pulling back to get a look at her. "Your hair is shorter," he remarked, pulling on a blonde strand.

"Really? I've been growing it as well."

"Don't I get a hug?" The Doctor said, putting a hand to his chest and looking hurt.

"Who's pretty boy?" Jack said, nodding to the Doctor. "I don't think the Doctor would be too happy at this one. He's actually kinda pretty. Captain Jack Harkness." Jack stuck his hand out to the Doctor, who looked plainly horrified that Jack was flirting with him.

"Don't call me pretty again."

"Jack, this is the Doctor," Rose said - evidently both she and Jack were ignoring the Doctor, and he was getting a touch annoyed.

"Very funny, Rose. Where is he, anyway? I wanna give him a smooch and a slap for leaving me."

"He is me!" The Doctor said, waving at Jack sarcastically. "Me! 1941, middle of the Blitz, Rose hanging from a barrage balloon. Gas-mask zombies everywhere crying for their mummies. Then here with Slitheen, Sambooka and short skirts. Or was that just Rose? I forget," he rambled, as Rose smacked him in the arm for the last comment. "And you can leave out the smooch and slap, by the way. I won't appreciate either."

Jack looked pretty shocked, convinced that it was the Doctor; only he could have known the sambooka incident that ended up disastrous. "What happened to big ears and nose?"

"I regenerated."

"I thought regeneration was a myth."

"Get off, Jack, seriously?" The Doctor said incredulously.

"Yeah. Well obviously I was wrong, duh, but ... it doesn't matter anyway. Where are you guys going? We so need to have a good chinwag."

"We were just going that little cafe ... what's the name of it?" Rose said, pointing in the direction she thought the cafe was in.

"Hot Pepper Jelly," Jack replied. "Go there all the time."

"Aww, cute name," Rose said. "Anyway, can we get going before I become and icicle?"

"Sure. It's this way," Jack said, pointing in the complete opposite direction that Rose and the Doctor had headed.

Rose and the Doctor looked at each other and burst out laughing, Jack looking on, a little confused.

"Well ... I've not been up to much. Work and all that," Jack said, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Really? Where do you work?" Rose asked, so they could get the trival questions over and done with.

"Torchwood."

"Hmm ... I've heard of that before," Rose replied, while the Doctor nodded.

"I'm getting the same deja vu I got with Bad Wolf," he said to Rose.

"Apparently," Jack started, sniggering, "according to official Torchwood documents, anyway, Queen Victoria set up Torchwood as a weapon against you two."

Rose gasped; the Doctor clicked his fingers.

"Of course! Werewolf. She didn't want us coming back - remember, after she knighted us, she banished us?" The Doctor said, looking at Rose.

"Yeah! We were like, 'what? You just knighted us and now you're making us leave Britain?' It was so funny ... " Rose trailed off, reminising.

"Queen Victoria was a werewolf?" Jack raised his eyebrows.

Rose and the Doctor nodded simultaniously. "Yep. Rose got stuck in a room with the werewolf that bit the Queen, I had dinner with the Queen, we saved ourselves using a combination of books, logic, mistletoe and the Koh-i-Noor. We also got knighted, had a blast imitating werewolves and I lost a tenner in a bet. All in a days work."

Jack threw his head back and laughed loudly, causing several people sitting nearby to turn their heads and tut at the threesome who were roaring with laughter. "I bet you did. Sounds like an interesting little adventure."

"Yeah, but we'd love to hear about yours," Rose said eagerly.

"Haha! Torchwood's great and all, but it's nowhere near as exciting as being on the TARDIS. I did, however, stop a sex-addicted alien from screwing the whole of Cardiff to death. That was very interesting indeed, to say the very least!"

The Doctor roared with laughter while Rose was laughing so hard she nearly fell of her chair, holding on to the table and the Doctor's hands, which immediately went around her waist to straighten her up. The Doctor made sure Rose wasn't going to make any contact with the cafe floor before wiping away the tears that were streaming down his face.

"Oh, Jack, we should come here more often. Although my sides and my cheeks are hurting like hell!" The Doctor said, rubbing at his sides.

"Your cheeks? Worse than if my mum slapped them?" Rose challenged.

"No way. I'd rather sit through a one-hundred-Slitheen show where the main act was farting rather than take a slap, thank you," the Doctor replied as Jack's phone trilled into life.

"Ooh, Jack's tres popular!" Rose said, giggling like she was ten rather than nearly twenty-one. Jack mumbled something intelligible into the phone, before shutting it with a snap.

"D'ya wanna meet my team?"

The first word that Rose would use to describe the Torchwood Base would be 'homey'.

It was a home away from home, of sorts. Pizza boxes lay scattered around the room and there was a large sofa in the of the various members of the team hung around the sofa, with them pulling funny faces or looking serious. A very high-tech-looking computer was in the middle, and an Asian woman was typing away furiously, not even noticing that people had come in. The rest had, though. The other woman, who looked a lot like someone Rose had seen before, was standing watching them with teary eyes, talking in low tones to another man who was wearing a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck; there was also a man in the corner, the only one in a suit, standing by the coffee machine, never taking his eyes off Jack.

However, the arcitecture of the place is what caught the Doctor's eye. It was obviously underground, under the water tower. It stood tall and proud in the centre of the main room, or 'Hub' as Jack called it. Everything was sharp and defined, right down to the 'Torchwood' sign on the wall, which looked like a sign at a tube station. It was quite dingy, actually, if the Doctor was being honest. But still - it was good, as bases go.

"Hey, everyone! Your God is back!" Jack said, throwing his coat over the sofa. Everyone apart from the Asian woman rolled their eyes, apparently used to this kind of talk from Jack.

"I see you've conquered your shyness, Jack," Rose said sarcastically. The Doctor laughed while Jack threw them both a dirty look.

"Right, introductions; this lovely lady here by the computer is Tosh, and the other equally lovely lady is Gwen," Jack said, pointing at each of them in turn. Only Gwen waved and said 'hi', Tosh was too engrossed in whatever she was doing to speak. "Our medic is Owen, and our generally-brilliant-and-useful-for-anything man, Ianto!" The man in the white coat, Owen, waved and smiled at Rose, ignoring the Doctor, while Ianto just nodded at them both. "Guys, this is the Doctor and Rose. They are my very best friends and occasional smooch buddies."

"That was once and we all thought we were going to die. Jack initiated it," Rose said to everyone. They all laughed.

"And I thought we were his best friends. Shame, that," Owen said, running up to Rose. "Hi, I'm Owen."

"So I've heard. As you've heard, I'm Rose, and this is the Doctor." She used that hands that wasn't in the Doctor's to point at him. The Doctor said a polite 'hi' before pulling Rose over to see the fancy computer, emphasising their joined hands. Owen looked slightly disappointed.

"Ooh, fancy piece of tech, that. I like it. A lot," the Doctor said, whipping out his glasses to get a closer look.

"Jack!" Tosh called, ignoring him. "There's something coming in but I can't get an exact reading on what it is!"

Jack was there in a flash. "Ooh. Now that is interesting. Doctor, what do you think?"

The Doctor diverted his attention and looked at the readings. "Wow ... they certainly are something. Not something I've encountered before."

"Jesus!" Ianto's voice rang over the Hub as something came into being beside him. It was a siluette of a person, wispy, not fully formed. Like a ghost. It wasn't solid looking, and walked around.

"What the hell is that, Jack?" Gwen spoke for the first time, her heavy Welsh accent emphasising the words.

"We apparently are being haunted by ghosts, now, as well," Jack said, his tone conveying his disbelief at the events.

"According to the CCTV, there are ghosts outside, too," Tosh said, pointing at the screen. Jack gulped, and turned to the Doctor and Rose.

"You guys willing to stay and help out?"

The two grinned at each other; they could never go to Cardiff without something going wrong. But they loved it, lived for it. "Always!" was their answer.

thanks to Karen McCombie for the Hot Pepper Jelly title. Always loved that cafe name ...