Donna, Chiswick's Drag Queen

hey! finally - the Runaway Bride! But of course, with some major alterations. Unlike the Doomsday/AOG

chapters that I did, this one is going to be pretty different from the episode, considering Rose is here.

and the fact that Donna is so ... awesome, I love writing her, so I'm having some fun with this chapter!

oh, a 'cab' is a British slang term for a taxi, for all those who don't know.

Rose and the Doctor watched Mickey leave in a strop Lauren Cooper from The Catherine Tate Show would be proud of, matching looks of shock on their faces. Slowly, that shock changed to ... well, laughter, to be honest. The Doctor was standing behind and slightly to the side of Rose, and after a few moments stock-still in shock he saw her shoulders moving up and down in silent laughter. It was bubbling up his throat, getting higher and higher until suddenly, he couldn't take it anymore - he burst out laughing, and Rose followed suit.

"Oh, my God ... " Rose said, sitting on the Captain's Chair, wiping away blackened tears. "I never, ever thought he would react like that."

"That has gotta be one of the best things I've been for a while. It was better than watching Eastenders. Ditto Hollyoaks. Or, should've recorded it and sent it into You've Been Framed," the Doctor said, leaning against a support struct lazily, having somewhat recovered from his laughing fit. His sides were seriously beginning to hurt, he noted as he rubbed them.

"Oh! We so should've," Rose agreed, and put her feet up on the console. The Doctor frowned.

"How does she get to use you as a footrest and I get told off?" he said, his face tilted up so he was speaking to the ceiling. Or, more precisely, the TARDIS.

Several bleeps, clicks and whines followed, and the Doctor scoffed.

"What did she say?" Rose asked.

"She said I treat her like furniture, while you do it with 'love', which I don't get. And also she's being nice because you're pregnant."

"Thanks," Rose said, and rubbed the console lovingly. The Doctor scowled as he put the TARDIS in the Vortex. Better give Mickey some time to cool off.

"I've been with you for nine hundred years, ya know, and you treat Rose better than you treat me! Honestly, you'd think ... " the Dcotor trailed off, as Rose was miming to him. "What?" he asked, as Rose pointed behind them.

He turned around slowly, not knowing what exactly was behind him. Slitheen? A Dalek? A Uvodni? No, just a woman - human, and wonderfully ginger - in a wedding dress. Her face was currently trying in vain to match her hair, and was succeeding at her challenge.

"What?!" The Doctor said, clear astonishment on his face.

"Who are you?" the Bride demanded. A Londoner, and a tough one at that. As if the TARDIS hasn't got enough tough(ish) Londoners.

The Doctor turned around, looking at Rose. She shook her head, at a loss of what to do. "But ... " the Doctor started, but did not finish.

"Where am I?" the Bride squawked, the demanding tone still present in her voice.

"What?!" the Doctor said, for lack of nothing else to say.

"What the hell is this place?" she demanded rudely, obviously forgetting her manners.

"What?!" the Doctor said, once again turning to an apologetic Rose, who had nothing else to add. 'What?!' summed it up nicely.

Rose took a long look at the woman. Tallish, at least a couple of inches taller than Rose, and a little curvier than Rose's slim frame (although come back in four months and that might not be the case) and she was clearly getting married. The long, flowing white dress saw to that. It was beautiful, thought Rose as she gazed at it; covered in crystals and it shimmered when it caught the light. It matched her tiara, from which her veil hung. And, well, she was ginger. Rose supressed a smile; she imagined the Bride wouldn't take kindly to being called ginger - Rose saw her as the type to say her hair was red, not ginger. She wondered when the comment would arise. She also wondered when the Doctor would make reference to her hair colour - Rose could see the envy in his face already.

"What is this place?" the Bride was demanding again. She seemed a very demanding person - probably as a result of her fiery hair colour. Never mind Mickey vaguely resembling Lauren Cooper - this woman had it in the bag.

"The TARDIS," the Doctor muttered, diving towards the console and pressing random buttons.

"The what?" the Bride asked, clearly not understanding the Doctor.

"The TARDIS," he said again, not even sparing her a glance as he pressed more buttons and turned knobs. Whatever he was trying to acheive was anyone's guess; Rose suspected he was fiddling to get out of confronting the conundrum that had appeared in their ship.

"The what?" the Bride repeated.

"The TARDIS!" the Doctor said, fustrated, but still refusing to look at her.

"The what?" the Bride placed emphasis on the 'what', her hands coming up with elaborate arm gestures.

"The TARDIS," Rose jumped in, as the Doctor was rapidly turning tomato-red. "It's called the TARDIS."

"That's not even funny," the Bride said, now understanding Rose, it seemed, "You're just making up names!"

"No, it's actually called the TARDIS," Rose said, a smile manisfesting on her face.

"The conundrum is ... " the Doctor butted in dramatically, appearing magically at Rose's side, "How did you get here?"

At the Doctor's question, the Bride went rigid with rage, her hands balling instantly into fists by her side. "Well, you kidnapped me, you ... people!" she raged, pointing between the Doctor and Rose. "Who set you up to this? Was it Nerys? I knew it! Oh, my God, she has finally got me back. This whole things has got Nerys written all over it!"

"Who's in Rassilion's name is Nerys?" the Doctor asked, holding up both hands.

"Your best friend," was the Bride's scathing and entirely unhelpful reply.

"Wait!" Two faces looked round to the other London accent as Rose looked shocked. "I do! I know a Nerys!" she said, raising her hand like she was in school. "Really small, around five foot one, a little bit chubby, brown hair?" Rose questioned, as the Doctor looked on at her in shock, clearly dumbfounded. Rose still had her arm raised in the air and he took the liberty of putting it down for her.

"No, tall, blonde, skinny as a rake," the Bride said, jealously apparent, and Rose shook her head in the negative.

"Anyway, before Nerys materalises on board as well," the Doctor said, "Can I ask - why are you dressed like that?" He directed his question to Donna. Rose hit herself on the forehead with her palm, shaking her head.

"I'm going ten-pin bowling," the Bride said sarcastically. "Where do you think I was, Dumbo? I was halfway up the aisle!" she yelled.

The Doctor nodded in understanding, but the Bride was obviously riled as she squared up to him. He ran and hid behind Rose, who was amused at his lack of manliness.

"If we get a boy, he better not get your courage. Before we know it, he'll be following the Yellow Brick Road, asking the Wizard of Oz for some courage," Rose whispered to the Doctor, who smiled and laughed slightly in response; the Bride was not happy about this exchange, clearly thinking they were talking about her.

"Oi! You two!" she yelled, succeeding in capturing the couples' attention, "I've been waiting all my life for this. An' I was just seconds away! Then, I dunno ... you must of drugged me of something!"

"We haven't done anything!" Rose said, holding her hands up in defense. The Doctor was nodding furiously.

"We're havin' the police on you!" the Bride continued, now pointing a finger at Rose, "Me and my husband - as soon as he is my husband - we're gonna sue the livin' backside off both of ya!"

"Ooh, bring it on," the Doctor said, and the Bride made a funny screeching sound like braking tyres. She turned towards the TARDIS doors, obviously with the intent of leaving.

"No, don't!" Rose said, running towards the Bride but it was too late; she threw open the doors and saw ... well, nothing. Just space. Well, they were currently orbiting a supernova. Gos knows why - maybe the TARDIS thought it would be pretty? There's no telling. Whatever the reason, they were there, the Bride was flabbergasted, staring out into space.

"You're in space," the Doctor said softly, coming up behind the Bride and Rose, grabbing one of the latter's hands. "Outer space. This is my ... spaceship."

"It's called the TARDIS," Rose pitched in, squeezing the Doctor's hand. He squeezed back, smiling. A moment's peace. Even in all the six minutes, eighteen seconds he'd known the Bride, he'd never seen her so quiet.

"How am I breathing?" the Bride asked quietly, one hand coming up to her neck.

"The TARDIS is proctecting us," the Doctor answered.

The Bride seemed to have calmed down. "Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor, and this is Rose," he answered,

"Hello!" Rose waved, and the Bride smiled. "You?"

"Donna Noble," the Bride, Donna, said.

The Doctor glanced up and down. Rose elbowed him in the ribs, mouthing "Don't be rude."

He ignored her. "Human?" he asked Donna, who turned around and gaped at him.

"Yeah. Is that optional?" she asked, subtly confirming she was indeed human.

"For us, yeah," the Doctor said nonchalently.

"You're aliens," Donna stated.

"I'm half-human, actually. Was fully human until I ... well, something happened, really," Rose said, and Donna looked a little better at having someone who was kinda human on board with her.

"It's freezing with these doors open," Donna said after a while, and Rose laughed; it was getting slightly chilly, and Donna was in a sleeveless dress while Rose had her demin jacket on. The Doctor slammed the doors closed, already talking.

" ... But I don't understand it and I understand everything! This - this can't happen! There is no way a Human Being can lock itself onto the TARDIS and transport itself inside. It must be ... " he trailed off, grabbing some appliance and was peering into Donna's eyes, all the while a stream of techobabble was escaping from his mouth. Usually to shut him up, Rose would kiss him, but this was not the time. Anyway, Donna was struck silent with confusion, obviously worried at the amount of long and confusing words that the Doctor was sprouting. Rose made a mental note to tell Donna she still doesn't understand him most of the time and she's been travelling with him for nearly three years.

"... Impossible," the Doctor continued. "Maybe some sort of subatomic connection? Something in the temporal field? Maybe something pulling you into alignment with the Chronon shell. Maybe something macro mining your DNA within the interior matrix. Maybe a genetic - "

Slap.

Donna looked furious, her hand raised for another slap. Rose burst out laughing at the look on his face.

"What was that for?!" he asked indignantly, rubbing his now red cheek. He glared at Rose, who didn't stop laughing.

"Just get me to the church!" Donna shouted, as Rose was biting her fingernails to stop herself laughing at the sight of the Doctor being overpowered by a human woman. Although all she really needed to do was drop him off at her Mum's and that would be the same senario.

"Fine!" the Doctor said, throwing up his hands. "I don't want you here anyway! Where is this wedding, then?"

"Saint Mary's, Hayden Road, Chiswick, London, Earth, The Solar System," Donna replied, folding her arms over her chest.

Rose walked over to Donna. "Don't worry. We'll get you back as soon as possible," she said, and Donna looked at her gratefully, "And don't listen to him when he's sprouting that technobabble. I just tend to tune him out when he does that!" she said, and her and Donna giggled. The Doctor looked up and them and scowled.

"Don't be talking about me over there," he warned, and Rose just shot him a look that meant they were definitely talking about him.

Donna threw open the door to the TARDIS, thankful that it was actually Earth she was seeing this time, not some random supernova. But what stood in front of her wasn't Saint Mary's - no, it was a Starbucks. Not much use if you want to get married, unless your a caffine addict.

"I said Saint Mary's!" Donna wailed. "What sort of Martian are you? Where are we?"

Rose sighed. "He's not actually a Martian. And I think we're in London. I think," she said. "What do you think, Doctor?" she turned around to see the Doctor stroking the exterior of the TARDIS. Rose rolled her eyes. "Do you actually last a day without stroking her like some sort of pet?"

"Something's wrong with her ... " he said, and Rose rushed to his side, instantly worried.

"What's wrong? What is it, Doctor?"

"It's like she's ... recalibrating!" he rushed back into the TARDIS and started fiddling with the controls, grabbing his stethoscope and pressing it against the central column. Rose followed him in, staying on the ramp. "She's disgesting."

Donna, however, was more preoccupied with TARDIS exterior - and it's lack of size.

"What have you eaten?" the Doctor's voice floated out of the TARDIS and onto Donna's deaf ears. "What's wrong? Donna? You've really gotta think - is there anything else that could have caused this?"

Donna ignored him, instead circling the TARDIS with a mixture of shock, bewilderment and disbelief on her face.

" ... Anything you might've done? Any sort of alien contacts? I can't let you go wandering off in case you're dangerous. I mean, have you ... have you seen lights in the sky? Or ... did you touch something? Something - something different? Something strange? Something made out of a sort of metal or ... who're you getting married to?"

Donna popped her head back inside the TARDIS, and confirming it is the size that it is, she stumbled back out again, hands clasped over her mouth in shock.

" ... Are you sure this guy is human? He's not a bit overweight with a zip on his forehead, is he? Not that I'm slagging or anything, but they can be a bit troublesome ... " he said as Rose turned around to see Donna running away, overcome with the strangeness of the TARDIS.

"Donna!" she called, running after her. Rose easily caught up with her - she hadn't been running for her life for three years and not become any fitter, or faster.

"Leave me alone," Donna said, addressing Rose. "I just wanna get married."

"Come back to the TARDIS," the Doctor said, who'd arrived moments after Rose.

"No way," Donna shook her head, red curls flying. "That box is too ... weird."

"It's bigger on the inside, that's all," the Doctor defended.

"Oh! That's all?" Donna said sarcastically.

Rose wrapped her arm around Donna's shoulder in a friendly, human gesture. "I know what it's like," she said, and Donna turned to her. "It feels so weird, so wrong, right? Like something you can't physically understand. A complete conundrum. But I got used to it ... it's home, now."

Donna nodded, and checked her watch. "Ten past three. I'm gonna miss it."

"You can phone them. Tell them where you are." the Doctor said.

"How do I that?" Donna asked.

"Don't you have a phone?" the Doctor said. Man, even he had a phone now.

"I'm in my wedding dress. It doesn't have pockets. Who has pockets? Have you ever seen a bride with pockets? When I went to my fitting at Chez Alison, the one thing I forgot to say was 'give me pockets'!?" Donna said, firing up again.

The Doctor turned to Rose. "What about your phone?"

Rose nodded, extracting her phone from her jacket pocket. "Battery's flat," she said, tossing it in the TARDIS. The Doctor groaned, as Donna huffed.

"Oh well, that's great then. Stuck in the middle of London with a Martian and a half-human who can't even charge her phone!"

"This man you're marrying," the Doctor said, running a hand down his face. "What's his name?"

Donna's eyes instantly glazed over. "Lance," she said dreamily, and Rose nudged the Doctor, and they both silent laughed at her expression.

"Good luck Lance."

"Oi!" Donna said, her mood swinging like a bat. "No Martian and his mate is gonna stop me from getting married! To hell with ya both!" she yelled, running as fast as she could in her wedding shoes, her dress hitched up.

"I'm not - I'm not ... I'm not from Mars," the Doctor said feebly, as he linked hands with Rose, running hand-in-hand after Donna.

"Taxi!" Donna called, as the Doctor and Rose found her, both of them panting slightly. The taxi's light came on as he passed them, despite the fact his taxi was empty.

"Why's his light on?" Donna wondered aloud, as the taxi cruised passed them.

"There's another one!" the Doctor said, pointing. Donna ran onto the road to try and catch the driver's attention, but again it just drove past them.

"Do you have this effect on everyone?" the Doctor asked, as he stuck out his thumb only for yet another cab to cruise by.

"What effect?" Donna asked, hands on hips. Rose rolled her eyes.

"You seem to ... erm ... drive people away at an alarming rate. In the nicest way possible," the Doctor said, as Donna looked nothing short of furious.

"Can we just focus on getting a taxi?" Rose asked and they all nodded.

Two builders' wolf-whisted across the street. "Where's the party, people?" They yelled, before carried on their way.

"They think I'm in fancy dress," Donna said, looking down at her dress.

Another taxi whistled by, but instead of stopping, the driver leaned out his window. "Stay off the scotch, darlin'!" he yelled as he drove quickly by.

"They think I'm drunk!" Donna said, hands in the air in disbelief. The Doctor smothered a snigger.

They'd almost managed to flag a cab down when a small Corsa behind it, with two teenage boys in it, yelled out - "You ain't fooling no-one, mate!"

The cab quickly drove away.

"They think I'm in drag!" Donna yelled, agast.

The Doctor looked Donna up and down, as if evaluating her. For about the fifty-second time in ten minutes, Rose rolled her eyes.

"Oh, come on!" she said, and put her fingers between her lips and whistled, long and piercing. Donna covered her ears in horror while the Doctor winced.

"Was that necessary?" he asked, rubbing his ears.

"Yes, it got us a cab, didn't it?" Rose said, as one was parked in front; all three bundled in ungracefully.

"Wll, couldn't you have done it earlier, then?" he said, closing the door shut behind him. It was a tight squeeze, as Donna's wedding dress took up two seats on it's own.

Donna spoke hurried to the driver. "Saint Mary's in Chiswick, just off Hayden Road. It's an emergency, I'm getting married! Just ... hurry up!"

"You do know it's gonna cost you, sweetheart? Double rates today, it being Crimbo an' all," the Cockney driver said, leering at both Rose and Donna from behind the glass. The Doctor wasn't happy with this driver.

"Have you got any money, Rose?" he asked his girlfriend, who shook her head.

"I've only got a fiver. Haven't you got any?"

"Left it in the TARDIS. How about you, Donna?" the Doctor asked the bride, who once again fired up.

"Pockets!" she said, gesturing violently to her dress.

The driver took one glance at the threesome and they got the message, bundling out of the taxi just as ungracefully as they had entered.

"And that's double for your mother!" Donna yelled after it. The Doctor's eyes widened. "I'll have him," Donna continued. "I've got his number. Talk about Christmas Spirit!"

"Is it Christmas?" the Doctor said, suddenly delighted, looking around the square they had found themselves in.

"Duh!" Donna replied, in a voice one would use when talking to someone who wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the colouring set. Not when talking to an Intergalatic Genius. With capital letters. "Maybe it's July on Mars, but here on Earth it's Christmas Eve." She spotted something in the distance, and whacked the Doctor to get his attention. "Phone box!" she said, pointing at the offending phone box (the Doctor noted with a sigh it was red, not blue) and the three amigos ran towards it, the Doctor rubbing his bruised stomach.

"We can reverse the charges!" Donna was explaining as she ran - pretty brave of her, wearing the heels that she was.

"Tell me, I'm curious - how did you come to be getting married on Christmas Eve?" the Doctor asked, holding Rose's hand.

"Hate Christmas, I do. Never liked it, never will. So we're getting a honeymoon in Morocco. Sunshine, sea and sambooka! Lovely!" Donna panted, slightly out of breath. She needn't have worried though, as they reached the phone box and the Doctor, being the gentleman that he was, held the door open for Donna.

"What's the operator? Or do I call Reverse Charge?" she babbled, holding the receiver in one hand. "I've not done this in years. What do you dial? Is it 100?"

The Doctor sighed, and pulled his Sonic Screwdriver out, pointing it at the phone for two seconds. "There," he said, proudly. "Just - just dial direct."

Donna dialed her Mum's mobile, and sure enough, the dialling tone rang out from the receiver.

"What did you do?" Donna said demandingly.

"Something ... " the Doctor said, lost for words.

"Something Martian!" Rose submitted, and the Doctor nodded.

"Something Martian. Now, phone, and we'll go get some money!"

Rose and the Doctor left, running down the street hand-in-hand to the cash machine while Donna was saying something about WH Smith into the phone. As soon as they were out of Donna's earshot (and waiting in an annoyingly long queue to use the machine - presumably last-minute shoppers) Rose asked the question the Doctor had been waiting for.

"How do you think she got in the TARDIS?"

"I have officially no idea," the Doctor replied, whispering in her ear in an identical fashion in which she had asked the question.

"Stop bouncing, you look stupid," Rose whispered, as an agitated Doctor rocked on his heels impatiently, drawing looks from people both in front and behind him. Finally the queue went down and they got to the cash machine. He looked around, making sure no-one was looking before using the Sonic on the machine.

Donna, meanwhile, was done with her phone call and was now asking a woman on the street for money. "Doctor!" Rose said warningly, pointing to Donna who had got a tenner from a lady and was now trying to wave down a taxi. He groaned, before something else caught his eye.

"Rose ... " he said, looking at the blonde woman beside him. "Is it just me, or are those Santas really familiar?"

Rose gasped. "They're the Sycorax Santas from last year, aren't they?" she said, and the Doctor nodded.

"Donna!" they said together, and they ran down the street towards her.

Donna had managed to wave down a taxi. "Thanks for nothing, spaceman! I'll being seeing you both in court!" she said, before getting into the taxi, which sped off in an alarming amount of tyre smoke.

"Donna!" the Doctor said, as she drove away.

"Doctor?" Rose said, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tightly. "Did you see the driver?"

"Of Donna's taxi?" the Dcotor asked as he looked down at her. Rose nodded. "No, why?"

"It was a robot Santa," Rose said bluntly.

"Oh, for the love of Rassilion!" the Doctor said, as the couple ran back to the TARDIS, intent on saving Donna from robot Santas and other potentially dangerous Christmas symbols. They hadn't known Donna for very long, but she definitely seemed like the type to attract trouble, and a lot of alien trouble at that.