What Could Be More Painful Than Labour?

Um … does sorry cover it? I was away for a year? SORRY? No, I didn't think so …
*sheepishly grins* enjoy? I'm gonna get this finished soon, I PROMISE.

There was silence.

Martha was the first one to speak. "How far apart are they, Rose?" she asked, holding onto the blonde girl's hand tightly.

"Not too bad," Rose winced, "I think the Novice Hame's teleport triggered them. I didn't have any until I was in the Senate."

"Right – we best get you to hospital quickly because I'm guessing the baby is half alien and I have no idea about alien labours," Martha rambled, steering Rose to the TARDIS before realising they had forgotten something – or rather, someone.

"Doctor?"

He didn't react to the sound of his name, even when Rose called on him. Martha walked up to him and clicked her fingers once, twice, three times in front of his nose but he continued to stare at them in a blank stare.

"Doctor? Earth to Doctor?" Martha said, shaking him as hard as she could. Rose found the 'Earth to Doctor' slightly funny given he was an alien, but apparently now wasn't the time for laughing. Rose had an idea – oh, her mum would be so proud of her right now.

SMACK.

"Bloody hell, what did I do to deserve that?" the Doctor spluttered, staggering back as Rose's palm connected with his cheek.

"Um, you did nothing, that's the whole point!" Martha said, turning towards the Doctor and glaring, as Rose raised an eyebrow at her. "Rose needs to get to a hospital, now! And we're on fricken' New New Earth!"

"Oh, well, sorr-ay for having a small," he held up his index and middle finger, holding them together so they were barely a centimetre apart, "moment to panic! I didn't realise I wasn't allowed to. Please, accept my humble apologies," he said, his voice full to the brim with sarcasm. "And by the way, it's only one 'new.' It's New Earth, not New New Earth."

"Oh, whatever! And anyway, I was only doing what's best for Rose, but no, you have to make it all about you!"

"It is not all about me! Of course I care what's best for Rose, but I was only have a natural male reaction to the event!"

"Oh, well, pardon me Mr-I'm-A-Time-Lord-So-Clearly-I'm-Superior-Than-You-Or-"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP!"

Martha and the Doctor turned to Rose, who stood there with one hand on her hip and her eyebrows raised so far they merged with her hairline. She mentally smirked, and put on her best Jackie voice.

"Seriously? You are gonna stand there and argue now? Not when we get to a hospital, for even better, when all this is over with? Oh, no, you wanna do it now?"

"Sorry, Rose," they chorused, looking down at the floor like kids who'd been told off by their parents for being naughty.

"Right, can we at least get - oh, god, owww."

Both doctors, human and alien, flashed to Rose's side immediately and started fussing over her. After her contraction passed and they still didn't ease up on their fussing, Rose was actually starting to wonder if this was worse than them bickering.

They were in the TARDIS now, and after checking that Rose was (for the time being) okay, the Doctor let go of her hand and set about getting them to the alien hospital they'd agreed on.

"How long does a bloody labour take?"

The Doctor was sitting beside Rose, one hand was in hers and the other was flicking through a two-month-old copy of Heat Rose had found in her handbag. They'd been in the hospital for four hours now and they weren't any closer to having their baby. The Doctor wasn't being very patient, but Rose decided to let him off - he was saying everything she was thinking but was too tired to say. She just lay in her bed, her hand in the Doctor's. He hadn't let go of it since they'd landed on this planet.

Martha sighed for her perch against the wall. She'd just come back from the third coffee run. She sipped her drink. "Everyone's different. My roommate during medical school was training to be a midwife. She talked about labours being anything from a couple of hours to sometimes even days long."

"Days? Seriously? Bloody hell."

Rose squeezed his hand. She was tired, so tired, and was quite sweaty as well. She'd give anything for a nice shower right now. Another contraction hit. "Oh, oh, OH MY GOD!" she screamed, as the Doctor just held her hand and murmured to her. They were getting closer and closer each time. After it was over, Rose flopped back down onto the bed like a rag doll, as the Doctor tenderly brushed her damp fringe away from her sweaty forehead.

Then it came.

"Doctor, did you call my Mum?"

"Ah. Knew there was something I was meant to do … "

"Call her. Now."

The Doctor nodded, and reached for Rose's bag. And rifling through a lot of junk - "Why on Earth do you need so much stuff?" - he eventually found Rose's small mobile phone at the bottom of the bag. He unlocked it and pressed 'contacts', quickly scrolling down to 'Mum', and pressed call.

It was a few rings before Jackie picked up. "Rose? How are you, darlin'?"

"It's me, Jackie," the Doctor said, and he could hear the huff on the other end of the line, before a small gasp.

"Where's Rose? Is she okay?"

"She's … alright. We're in the hospital, Rose went into labour about four and half hours ago. I would have called you sooner, but I couldn't get a signal." Of course, this was an outright lie, as he'd 'sonic-ed' Rose's phone so she'd receive signal anywhere in the universe. But Jackie didn't know this. And what Jackie didn't know, wouldn't hurt her. Rose squeezed his hand tightly and giggled.

"Oh, my dear God!" Jackie said, and the Doctor heard a soft thud as if she'd just collapsed on the sofa. "Wait, what hospital are you at?"

"An alien one."

"And why are you not in an Earth hospital?" Jackie said, her voice going high. "To high-and-mighty for Time Lordship or sommat, eh?"

"Jackie, if humans found out that Rose or the baby - or me - were aliens then they would almost certainly lock them up and conduct experiments on them."

There was a couple of beats of silence. "Best if you stay where you are, I think."

"Hmm," the Doctor said, amused. "Thought that."

"Don't be so arrogant."

The Doctor gasped theatrically. "I wasn't being arrogant! I was being … right," he said, nodding. Rose raised an eyebrow. The Doctor chatted away to Jackie, who was telling him about her day (not that he'd asked, but she was going to be his child's only grandparent, so he figured he better start being nice) while Rose rested. She and Martha laughed as Jackie rambled on in the Doctor's ear, while he was rolling his eyes and was bashing his four fingers against his thumb in a chatting motion at Jackie. Not that she could see him. Thankfully. He'd get a whack around the head with a copy of Women's Own for that.

There was a soft knock at the door, and the midwife came in. Rose was thankful that the Doctor had chosen a place where the aliens at least looked humanoid. It wasn't that she had anything against aliens, but she definitely relaxed more around humanoid species. Even ones that had bright, fire-engine red skin and an extremely pointy nose.

"Hi, Rose," the midwife, who called herself Gadney, said. They'd all been introduced earlier and she'd come to check on Rose every half an hour. "How are you?"

Rose smiled a little. "Fed up."

Gadney smiled, rows of blue teeth shining in the light. "Well, I don't think it'll be much longer, honey," she said, as she felt Rose's tummy and looked at some screens. It wasn't Rose's voice that answered.

"Oh, thank God for that."

"Doctor!" Martha said, scandalised. Rose just laughed and ruffled his hair. Gadney was smiling too, as if she didn't know whether to laugh or not.

"We'll come back and see soon, okay?" she said, clicking the door softly behind her.

Rose flopped back onto the bed, rubbing her eyes. She was exhausted beyond belief and in total agony despite the pills the midwife had given her - all of which had been sniffed and licked by the Doctor before consumption, of course. Rose didn't really care that he'd licked them - it was too much of an everyday occurrence to care. And she had really, really needed the painkillers. They had taken the edge off, sure, but she was still in a lot of pain.

Another contraction hit, and Rose bit her lip and started screaming. "BLOODY FRICKEN HELL!" she screamed, as the Doctor desperately tried to soothe her and Martha held her hand, while Jackie was screaming down the phone. Gadney burst in, with another equally red and pointy-nosed midwife.

"Right, we think it's time," she said, and put gloves and examined Rose. "Yep, definitely time."

"Shit," the Doctor said, panicking again.

"Doctor? I wanna stay on the line!" Jackie yelled down the phone, and the Doctor nodded rapidly.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, putting her on speakerphone and resting it on the bedside table. "Can you hear me?"

"Loud and clear," Jackie's voice came back, and it seemed to soothe Rose a little.

"I wish you were here, Mum," she said tearfully.

"I am, darlin', I'm here now," Jackie said, sounded like she, too, was crying.

Within seconds, Rose had started screaming again. This time, it wasn't over in a minute. She kept screaming, and squeezing the Doctor's hand so hard that he thought she'd actually broken it. But the pain in his hand was like sitting on a cloud compared to the obvious agony Rose was in.

"STUPID FRICKEN BASTARD! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!" Rose screamed, over and over again.

"Rose, please, just push, come on, you can do it, just push!" Gadney said, her voice calm despite the chaos of the room.

The Doctor just held her hand and whispered to her, while Martha was on her other side, taking the place that Jackie would have if she was here. Jackie herself, even a galaxy or three away, was making her presence know by screaming, "Come on, Rose!" down the phone at regular intervals.

"Push!"

Rose's face was scrunched up in agony, and she screamed again, long and piercing. "OH, YOU ARE SOOOO GONNA PAY FOR THIS!" she hollered at the Doctor.

"It's not my fault …"

"OH YES IT BLOODY WELL IS!" Three female voices chorused at him, and the Doctor just blinked owlishly for a few moments before Rose started screaming again.

"I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HATE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT? I HATE YOU!"

"It's crowning!" came a voice, and the extra midwife gestured for the Doctor. He went down and immediately scrunched up his nose and went back to Rose's hand. He looked whiter than white and Martha was seriously afraid that he'd pass out.

"That was both beautiful and disgusting at the same time."

"DOCTOR!" Jackie's voice rang out from the phone.

"Tends to be," Martha said, as Gadney smiled.

"Next contraction, Rose, and that'll be it."

"Promise?" Rose's voice was small and weak as she lay, exhausted and in agony, on her bed. This was worst than being shot on Felspoon. Oh, being shot was a walk in the park compared to this.

"I promise." Gadney's voice was completely sincere.

"Come on, Rose," the Doctor said, squeezing Rose's tiny hand. He was still paper-white. "One last time, yeah?"

"One last time," she whispered, turning her head towards him and smiling slightly. He leaned up and kissed her tenderly on her forehead, brushing away some stray bits of hair. He felt his hand tighten as Rose squeezed it, and he knew that this meant another contraction.

Soon enough, she started screaming. "WHY DID I LET YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHY? YOU BASTARD!" she said, tears of agony pouring out, as Gadney started talking.

"One last push Rose! On three! C'mon … one, two, three!"

The Doctor's hand was crushed as Rose put all her remaining energy into that one final push, screaming all the while. Jackie was screaming as loudly as Rose was.

"Done!" Gadney beamed, and everyone was silent; there was a heartbeat where there was utter silence, before a piercing cry rang out - the cry of newborn baby. Rose collapsed backwards, crying softly. The Doctor swayed slightly from side to side, as if he were about to collapse. Martha had one hand over her mouth, tears leaking out the corner of her eyes.

A small baby was wrapped in a soft white towel and was handed to Rose gently, who sat up and reached for the baby instinctively. "Baby girl," Gadney said, beaming as Rose gasped.

"Baby girl?"

Gadney nodded, beamed, and fussed around cleaning up.

The Doctor picked up the phone that was still on the bedside table. "Ja-Jackie?" he said, tears now streaming down his face as well, "I've got a daughter. You've got a granddaughter."

All he could hear was Jackie's sobs of joy. "You better come back immediately after Rose gets outta that hospital."

The Doctor laughed through his tears. "I wouldn't dream of doing anything otherwise."

"I think she's got my mother's nose."

The Doctor frowned at Rose, before looking down and inspecting his daughter's nose as she slept peacefully in his arms. Rose was lying down in bed, having just woken up for a two-hour sleep. They were in the hospital until tomorrow morning, as instructed by Gadney. Martha was asleep, stretched across three chairs that she'd made into a makeshift bed.

"Perhaps," he said eventually, shrugging his shoulders gently, as to not wake the little girl. "But she's got your ears."

"My ears? I'm sure she'll love that," she said sarcastically. She sat up, smiling. "Any ideas for name?"

The Doctor frowned. "We don't have to name her right away, do we?"

"No," Rose said, also frowning slightly, "but it's either that or my Mum will want her say."

"So, any ideas for names?"

"Thought so," Rose smirked. "Hmm … Lauren?"

"Nah. Nadine?"

"Reminds me of that Irish one from Girls Aloud," Rose said. "Might as well call her Cheryl."

"No way am I calling my daughter Cheryl. Fiona?"

"Freya?"

"Felicity?"

"Anna?"

"Jennifer?"

"Aniston."

"Don't be stupid. Nicole?"

"Eilidh?"

"Fearne?"

"Abigail?"

"We could be here all day," the Doctor said, "if we don't find one we both agree on."

"Jacqueline?" Rose snickered.

The Doctor didn't even bother answering her. "Don't insult my daughter like that! I would cover her ears if I could," he said, rocking the girl back and forth in his arms.

"Why did we chat about names sooner?" Rose asked, taking a sip of water from the bottle of Evian that Martha had thoughtfully left for her on the bedside table.

The Doctor frowned for a moment in thought, before shrugging as carefully as he could as so not to disturb his daughter as she slept. "I think we were too busy being stranded on the moon and chasing cat nuns."

Rose laughed quietly. "Guess so," she said, reaching forward to pick up the discarded copy of Heat that the Doctor was reading mere hours ago. She flicked through it quietly for a few moments, while the Doctor paced around the room, scared to sit down in case the movement caused the hours-old girl in his arms to awaken. He sighed as she did anyway, batting her little eyes awake like a kitten, but she didn't cry. Such a well-behaved child already.

"Someone's awake," he said to Rose, was reading.

"Is she okay? Do you want me to take her?"

"Nah, we're good over here. Just read your magazine," he said, making faces at the little girl.

"Pfft! Can't believe Cheryl Cole dyed her hair red. It doesn't suit her."

The Doctor grunted. He didn't see a problem with it …

"Then there's Rihanna. Now, that's how you wear red hair. Cher Lloyd, can't stand that girl … Russell and Katy make a good couple, don't they? … oh, look, Kanye West has split up with that Amber girl … And I'm sorry, but Emma Watson looks better with long hair … "

The Doctor stopped. "Back up a moment. What was that name, the name you just said?"

"Emma?"

"No, before that."

"Amber?"

"Amber," he said, looking down at the little girl. "What do you think?"

Rose smiled. "Amber. I think it's kinda perfect, don't you?"

"Yeah. Amber," the Doctor said, smiling as he walked over to Rose and perched on the bed next to her. "Hey, Amber," he said to his daughter, who made a soft squeak in response.

"I think she approves," Rose said, smiling at her little girl. "Do you like it, Amber?"

Amber squeaked again, and the two parents laughed at their daughter.

"What about a middle name?" The Doctor suggested.

"Well, mine's Marion, after my grandma," Rose said, frowning, "But I don't think she suits Jacqueline. Or Andrea. Or Suzanne."

"What about just Rose, then? Amber Rose?"

"Amber Rose. Yeah, I like it. Amber Rose."

"We're just going to have to call her Tyler, since I don't have a last name."

"Amber Rose Tyler. It's perfect," she said, and gave the Doctor a soft kiss as to not squash little Amber in between them.

Rose's eyes flicked back to her magazine.

"Oh, my God … I just realised … Amber Rose … we've named our daughter after a model with no hair who dated Kanye West!"

Rose's scandalized look caused the Doctor to burst out laughing.

"Well, we'll just tell people that we named her Amber after the stone, and Rose after you. Which we did."

"We tell no-one that we got the name Amber from Amber Rose the model. Deal?"

"Deal," the Doctor replied, grinning. "Now get some sleep. We're out of here tomorrow morning - and then we've got to go visit your mother. Note I said 'visit'. Trying to prise Amber away from Jackie might be more painful than labour."

Rose giggled, but soon slipped into the sweet world of slumber, and the last thing she heard was her Doctor chatting away to their daughter. Amber.