Mike Newton the King of Embarrassment

by Pistis Sophia

Chronicles the life of Mike Newton, Jessica Stanley and occasionally Eric Yorkie and Tyler Crowley, from the very beginning of Twilight to beyond the Breaking Dawn chapters.

2. A New Age

MIKE NEWTON, THE KING OF EMBARRASSMENT

I don't own Twilight. All rights go to Stephenie Meyer ©

Name of chapter: A New Age

Rating: K

Summary: It's the beginning of a new age for Jessica Stanley. An age in which she gets to be the prettiest and most desired girl of Forks High. Unfortunately for her, her dream hangs in there precariously upon the arrival of the lovely Rosalie Hale. Can she win the hearts of the magnificent Cullen boys or not? Or is she going to end up with a certain Mike Newton?

Author's Note: This chapter has been re-written.

-8-8-

"Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new."
- Henry David Thoreau

-8-8-

Character Point of View: Jessica Stanley

Settings: Forks High School [inside]

It was still raining. Damn. I looked out the window and saw a shiny, silver Volvo draw to a halt in the parking lot. Ooh! Whoever owned that car must be totally stinkin' rich. The people who were getting out of the car surprised me more. There were two blondes, two brunettes and a red-head. Or so, I thought.

As they moved closer, I saw that the red-head was more of a reddish-brown one. Bronze, I realized. Ooh. And then my eyes fell on their faces, and I practically died there.

The guys looked heavenly, angelic, beautiful, and perfect. There were no words to describe them at the moment. The girls looked like they had strutted out of some rich money-spinner magazine, like, Vogue or Marie Claire or something like that. I scowled heavily and turned to the boys.

The tallest one, a guy with dark curly hair, had awesome biceps that made me want to touch them. Just then, the last one –the reddish-brown one, whispered something to the others. The buff guy pushed his chest forward arrogantly. The bronze-haired one whispered something back, and the blonde girl looked furious. What a weirdo. The buff guy looked horrified, while the bronze haired one rolled his eyes. The second tallest one looked weird, like he was constipated or something like that.

Suddenly, the bronze-haired one threw his head back and laughed clearly. It was so beautiful and melodic, like the stars' voices would be, if they could laugh. The shortest girl, a brunette just smiled vaguely at him, while the buff guy shook his head. The blonde constipated-looking guy looked at him curiously, like he was wondering what was going on with Bronze-Haired One.

Grinning, Bronze-Haired One told Constipated something, and the short girl giggled. Constipated scowled heavily and retorted something back. Buff Guy snorted and said something, which made Bronze Haired One scowl in turn. Bronze Haired One growled something at Buff Guy, who just laughed carelessly and said something like 'Yeah, yeah' at him. Boy, that is one weird group.

When Bronze Haired One came closer to the school, I gasped. He looked to be about seventeen, and his face looked totally seraphic.

Oh, boy. I fell in love with him, the moment I laid my eyes on him. He was mine. No one else would own him.

I sighed dreamily, and the puff of air that escaped my mouth misted up the ice-cold glass of the window.

-8-8-

Character Point of View: Edward Cullen

Settings: Forks High parking lot.

Alice and Rosalie were talking about the latest fashion trends. Boring. Emmett and Jasper were debating whether to start a wrestling match tonight. Didn't they know Esme wouldn't let them? I shook my head in disapproval.

Then I heard her thoughts.

The guys look heavenly, angelic, beautiful and perfect. The girls…they look like they strutted out of some rich money-spinner magazine, like, Vogue or Marie Claire or something like that…Ooh, that guy with dark curly hair has totally awesome biceps…makes me want to touch them…ooh…

I snickered.

Come on, man, whined Emmett. Tell us!

"There's this human girl," I said. "She thinks you have totally awesome biceps."

Emmett grinned smugly, and puffed out his chest proudly. Yeah, that's the way to go, man!

"And she wants to touch them."

Emmett's arrogant look was replaced with a look of horror. "What?"

I rolled my eyes, and went back to spying on the girl's thoughts.

The second tallest one…well, he looks like he's being constipated or something…

Here, I burst out laughing again. Constipated? Oh, goodness me.

Alice smiled at me, while Emmett just shook his head. Rosalie just sighed, as Jasper looked at me with curiosity.

What is it, Edward?

I smiled mischievously. "Oh, you know, there's this girl who this you're constipated. It is okay, Jasper."

Alice giggled loudly, while Jasper scowled. "I am not constipated!"

Emmett snorted. "Yeah, you're right. You're not constipated, Edward is."

Now it was my turn to scowl. "Shut up."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

-8-8-

Character Point of View: Jessica Stanley

Settings: Forks High School.

The Hot Boys and Weird Girls walked up the steps, and my eyes practically fell out when I saw them closely.

The short girl, had a head that looked like someone upset a bottle of black ink on it, a thin nose, and large yellow eyes, like a cat. Freaky. She was talking at high speed to the blonde girl beside her.

The blonde girl was extremely beautiful, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in the entire world. Her golden hair flowing down her back like gentle waves looked so lovely and pure. Her eyes were also the same strange colour as the pixie girl's eyes. She had a body of an elegant shape which made me feel extremely self-conscious of my own body. The way she moved, no one could compare to her. I saw that she was wearing a pair of totally dangerous looking heels, which looked like they cost nine hundred dollars. I recognized them to be Christian Louboutins. Oh. My. God. They looked so lovely, and I wished that they were mine, not the blonde girl's.

I felt ugly, slow, and flabby then. How could I become the prettiest girl in the school if she was there? The very thought of her made me want to tear up and curl up into a pathetic ball in some dank, musty corner of the school.

I was lost in my own thoughts, that I didn't even see that I had come to stand in front of them, at the top of the steps.

What have I done?

"Well?" said the impossibly beautiful blonde. "Are you going to let us pass or not?"

"Um…I-I…I…I mean…" I stuttered, like a complete turkey. What was I doing?

"We're in a wee bit of hurry," said the pixie girl kindly. "So, could you please move?"

Buff Guy whispered something to Constipated, and both of them started snickering. I had an unpleasant feeling that it was about me.

I took a deep breath, and forced my legs to move. Pixie Girl smiled sweetly at me, and they moved away.

I groaned, and sat down on the steps. I had just embarrassed myself in front of the hottest guys in the whole of Forks, and had also made myself look like some mentally-disabled turkey in front of one of who could be my future husband.

Greeeeat. Just flipping great. Do you have any hammer around here, so that I can kindly beat myself to death, and thus forget said embarrassing incident, because the hammer gave me amnesia?

I sighed, and got up. A plan was forming in my mind, and it was my decision to carry it out.

-8-8-

I spotted the Hot Boys and the Weird Girls going into Ms. Cope's office. Since I couldn't barge in the room and act like a total squirrel, I waited outside the room. When they came out, I jumped in fright, and did quite a lot of flailing around. I didn't want to look like I was spying on them, so I turned to the nearest group, and started nodding along to whatever they were talking about. I didn't care that the entire group was comprised of boys who started looking at me weird when I nodded along to their talking.

Pixie Girl gave me a knowing smile as she passed by, but I don't think she knew what I was up to. I mean, it's not possible!

After they disappeared around the corner, I slipped back into Ms. Cope's office. She was busy writing something, so I moved quietly towards her, so as not to disturb her. When I was close, I saw that she was writing on a piece of torn notepaper. So out of curiosity, I read it.

I love you, Bob Banner…

I couldn't see the rest, because it was obscured by her hand. I rapped on the table sharply. Ms. Cope jumped a foot in the air, before snatching the paper away and shoving it into her drawer. Oho! So she had a crush on Mr. Banner, right? Yum. This was fresh, juicy gossip! I made up my mind to tell Lauren about it at lunch break.

"Yes, Jessica?" Ms. Cope said, sweat beads forming on her forehead. She was totally nervous. Ha!

"Could you tell me who the new guys were?" I asked her, in my most innocent voice.

It worked.

"Oh, the blond people are Rosalie and Jasper Hale. They're twins," Ms. Cope said. And then leaning forward, she whispered, "They're all adopted by Dr. Carlisle Cullen and his wife, Esme. I heard from Mrs. Gerandy that the doctor and his wife looked barely out of their twenties."

My eyes widened. This was even juicier gossip. I couldn't wait to tell others.

"Thanks," I said quickly and ran out of the office and to the parking lot where Lauren would be.

I glanced around, my eyes searching for Lauren. She wasn't here yet. I sighed before I noticed Mike Newton standing by his car, staring at the Cullens' Volvo. I had had a crush on him for more than one year. I ran up to him.

"Hey, Mike!" I greeted him enthusiastically.

"Hey, Jess," he muttered sadly. Oh, why wouldn't he greet me nicely?

"Mike, did you hear about the Cullens?" I asked him eagerly. "They're like, totally hot and sexy. There are three boys, and two girls. The guys are, like, totally drool-worthy hot!" Maybe telling him what I thought of the Cullen boys would make him open his eyes and go out with me.

Mike looked up, his eyes wide with interest when he heard me mention the Cullen girls. Ugh. I hope he was not thinking of asking them out. "Two girls?"

I scowled at him. So he was thinking of asking them out. How dare he?

"Yeah, two totally pretty girls." My scowl increased. "It's not even fair –I mean, on their first day, and they've got the whole town drooling after them. The doctor adopted them."

"Jess!" Mike complained. "Tell me everything."

Pfft. He just wants to hear 'everything' so that he can strut up to them and ask them to be his girlfriend. Yeah, right. I was sure they would reject him with just one look. I mean, Mike wasn't that good-looking as he claimed to be. I rolled my eyes in exasperation. He was such an idiot.

"The girls' names are Alice Cullen and Rosalie Hale," I rattled off. "The guys' names are Edward, Emmett and Jasper. Jasper and Rosalie are twins, and Alice, Edward and Emmett are adopted. Their adopted parents are Carlisle and Esme Cullen. I saw them before, and they look so…young, like twenty or something."

I'm sure you saw that I said that I saw Dr and Mrs Cullen before. Well, I lied. Yeah, I did. I mean, would it look good for me if Mike knew that I was spying on the Cullens? No, Jose.

"I mean, they look way too young to be parents to five teens," I frowned. Parents with teens for children always had wrinkles around their eyes and on their forehead, and were so fat and flabby that they resembled albino penguins. Most of them looked to be in their forties, like my mom.

"Did you see them? They all look like models! Edward looks totally hawt!" I stopped, and turned bright red. Oops. Me and my big mouth. "I mean, they look like they stepped out of Vogueor ELLE."

Mike simply stared at me with that glazed over look he's so popular for. Hmph.

"And did you see Rosalie's Christian Louboutins?" I gossiped. "I mean, that pair of heels had to have cost her nine hundred dollars! I don't think her parents would have given her thatmuch money…Oh, Mike –did you see Emmett? Gawd, he looks so…sexy!" I blushed hard. Oh why, oh why, did my giant mouth have to ruin everything?

Mike apparently realized this too. "Well, see ya soon," he said to me sourly, before he fled from the scene. I hate him, that sleaze. I do.

I let out a scream of rage after he was out of hearing range and cursed him. You are so going to be in trouble, Michael Newton, I said inwardly and went into the school, fuming.

-8-8-

I was walking in the hall when I spotted Mike. I walked quickly up to him. "Hey, Mike! Why did you run away from me in the parking lot? I wanted to tell you about-"

He stopped me. "Are they the Cullens?"

Oh, great observing, Sherlock. How about I hit you on the head so that you're dumber than before, huh?

I had to keep my voice under control to prevent myself screaming at him in the hall, with other guys as witnesses. I spotted the Cullens standing in a secluded corner of the hall.

"The blond guys are Rosalie and Jasper," I whispered. "The pixie there is Alice and that buff guy is Emmett." I blushed when I remembered acting like a total turkey in front of him. Oh, would I ever forget it?

"Who's that?" Mike barked at me, as he pointed at Bronze-Haired One –I mean, Edward. Edward looked at Mike and smirked. Ooh, he looked so…gorgeous. I practically swooned there.

"That's Edward," I said. "He's so…dreamy."

Oh, no. Did I say that? Oh, shit.

"I bet he is," Mike snarled at me. Oh, getting jealous now, Newton? I smirked internally. Mike glanced at the Cullens, who were staring at him in disgust. I most certainly wouldn't want to be stared at like that.

But Mike seemed to think otherwise. He stuck out his chin and swaggered up to Rosalie and Alice. I gave them my death glare but they didn't seem affected by it. Ugh! May be that Alice was anorexic, and she looked a bit unhealthy. Another thing to gossip about!

-8-8-

Character Point of View: Alice Cullen

I was talking to Rosalie about the latest release of Gucci. We were debating whether to go shopping tonight, and skip the hunting trip scheduled at the time, when I had a vision of Mike asking us out. I started giggling to myself.

-8-8-

Character Point of View: Edward Cullen

I heard the Newton boy's vulgar thoughts. One of the Cullen girls' gonna be my future girlfriend. And then later on, my future wife. Rosalie Newton. Alice Newton. They won't be able to resist my charm and good looks.

It was too much for me and I started laughing. I managed to smother the hysterical laughter down, with a little help from Jasper. But the next thoughts emitting from Newton's mind were hilarious enough to break the barrier of false calm in my emoticons.

My voice's better, it makes his voice sound plain compared to mine.Poor boy, he was so vain, vainer than my self-centred sister. He only thought of himself, unlike Rosalie who thought of others beside herself occasionally.

Rose, Em and Jazz turned around to look at me. Alice just grinned at me, and started singing our national anthem in Korean in her mind. Strange. She was hiding something from me.

Edward? Are you okay?Jasper's thoughts were worried.

Poor boy's lost it. He's finally gone nuts. I knew this was gonna happen.Emmett's thoughts were mocking while Rosalie's thoughts centred around herself as usual.

I shook my head at them, and continued laughing. Emmett looked at me with pity and whispered to Jasper, "We should have done something before. He's fallen off his rocker now. I knew that mind-reading business would screw him up badly." Jasper burst out in laughter.

"So," Newton said to Rosalie in what he thought was a seductive voice. I snorted under my breath. I felt Emmett tense up beside me.

I don't like the way they're looking at me…Newton's thoughts were uncomfortable. It makes me feel uncomfortable…

"S-s-so, would y-y-you come with me to the bathroom?" Newton stuttered. He turned bright red. Oh-no! Did I ask them to come with me to the bathroom? God, I'm so stupid! I agreed with him on that.

Rosalie's thoughts were amazed and incredulous. What! He wants us to come with him to watch him pee? Alright, he seriously has some mental problem.

Alice was laughing under her breath. This boy's crazy, I tell you.

Emmett and Jasper's thoughts were worse. Both of them were snarling like panthers under their breath. Jasper lost control of his abilities, and he started subconsciously sending waves of fury and anger at us and the students around us. I felt like I wanted to punch something. I clenched my fists, and folded my arms.

What! Did he ask my wife to come with him to the bathroom? Emmett's thoughts were vicious. I swear I'm going to crush that boy to pulp!

Jasper's thoughts were slightly calmer. Is that boy mad? Did he fall on his head when he was born? How dare he ask my wife to go to the bathroom with him?

Both of them stepped forward with scary looks on their faces which would make the fiercest of grizzlies hide under a ditch and not come out for a week.

The thoughts of other students were funnier.

Oh My God! Mike Newton asked Rosalie Hale and Alice Cullen to accompany him to the bathroom? I cannot wait to tell Larry about this.

Mike! I swear I'm gonna kill you!Jessica's thoughts were enraged. You-you man whore!

Mike actually asked Rosalie Hale to go to the boys' bathroom with him? I'd better book a bed for him in the psychiatrist ward.

Shame on the idiot! Even I wouldn't do that.

I can't wait to tell Austin about this! I've always known Mike to be something of a dumb nut, but this tops it all.

Man, Newton's totally lost it! I knew playing around with tennis too much can make you lose your marbles.

Newton stood staring at Emmett and Jasper with a terrified look on his face.

"What. Did. You. Just. Say?" Emmett hissed through his teeth.

"Emmett, don't push it too far," I whispered in a voice too low for humans to hear.

Then I heard something dripping. I looked down and saw Newton standing in the middle of a yellow puddle. How disgusting. The boy can't even control his own bladder, and yet, he's one year before becoming an adult.

Jasper and Emmett finally lost it. They started laughing loudly in which the whole hall except Jessica and Mike joined in. Rosalie and Alice wrinkled their noses at the pungent scent of pee and moved back to avoid stepping in the puddle.

I started laughing with Emmett and Jasper. And that's when Alice stepped forward.

"Sorry," she whispered.

Newton still had that a-monster-wolf-just-killed-my-closest-friend-before-my-very-own-eyes look. He turned around, forgetting the puddle he was standing in. He slipped on it and crashed to the floor when he slid across the room on the pee. Repulsing. I most certainly did not want to be in his shoes. Then I heard a loud ripping sound in the air as Mike Newton's entire pants ripped. Rosalie and Alice stared at him for a moment, and they too started laughing loudly.

When his slide had finished, he got up slowly. Nobody had budged from their positions. Newton realized this too, as he snapped at Jessica. "What?"

Jessica was red in the face as she squeaked out, "Oh. I can't look!" She was hiding her face from the hilarious sight.

"What?"

She pointed at Mike's bottom. Newton tried to see it. He was turning around like a dog chasing its tail, in an attempt to see what was wrong. He felt around his backside, and felt the ripped pants which revealed old Superman boxers. Alice's eyes widened at the pathetic sight.

Mike flushed the darkest red, and fled into the nearest room which unfortunately for him, happened to contain the senior class and the Spanish teacher, Senora Goff. I knew from the tenor of her thoughts that she was in a bad temper right now because some seniors had forgotten to turn in their term papers. And Mike was heading straight into the lion's den. I shook my head. He was such an idiot.

I heard a chorus of laughter erupting from the senior class. I knew Mike had embarrassed himself beyond words again. A ruler was slapped on a hard surface, and Goff screamed, "Silencio! Esto es atroz conducta! Yo esperaba mas de una clase mayor!"

The laughing subsided, and Senora Goff shrieked at Newton to come with her. I saw her furious form come out of the room and Newton's sad little form follow her. I knew they were going to Mr. Greene's office.

I caught Mrs. Goff's enraged thoughts.

Esto es demasiado. ¿Cómo puede este muchacho arruinar mi clase. Y de una manera tan atroz para entrar en la clase. Esto debe ser reportado inmediatamente al es demasiado!

Just then the bell rang, and the everyone scuttled to their classes.

-8-8-

Character Point of View: Lee Robertson

Mrs. Goff was explaining to us about the verbs and their correct pronunciations. I was feeling really sleepy, listening to Goff's droning. A loud sound made me jerk awake and for one second I wondered if Mrs. Goff found out that I had been sleeping in her class. I looked up nervously, expecting her towering above me, wearing the enraged-rhino look. Instead I found one of the junior students, Mike Newell –no, Mike Newton, standing in front of the class wearing wet clothes, and ripped pants. There was an awful smell coming off him. I wondered if he was wearing some gross perfume.

The entire class was frozen in surprise. Then everyone, including me, with the exception of our dear Spanish teacher, all started laughing at his exposed butt. Mrs. Goff was red in the face.

She snatched up the ruler and slapped it on the table. "Silencio! Esto es atroz conducta! Yo esperaba mas de una clase mayor!"

She glared at Mike Newton. "And you, Mr. Newton, come with me!" She screamed at the poor boy.

She went out the door, followed by Newton. The class was silent and then everyone started whispering excitedly. Just then, Brent Williams passed me a note.

"Do you think we'll be able to get a free class this time? Last time, we got one she yelled at us till our ears were numb."

I replied back in a scrawl.

"I don't know. But we can see."

I crumpled the note and threw it back at him.

After fifteen minutes, Mrs. Goff returned. She was breathing heavily and rapidly. Her face was scarlet.

"Open your textbook to page eighty-three, and start reading!" She barked at the girl behind me. The girl jumped about a foot in the air and stood up. She held up the text and started reading.

-8-8-

Character Point of View: Marcie

Time: When Mrs. Goff is taking Mike to the principal

Oh my God! Mike Newton was following Mrs. Goff to the principal's office. Oh! Oh! This was too good! I couldn't wait to tell about this to Cristina! Whoa, this was so damn good. When no one was looking, I took out my old Polaroid, and snapped a photo of the teacher and Mike. I shoved the Polaroid back into my locker, and closed it. With a cheery grin, I skipped off to class.

-8-8-

Character Point of View: Mr. Greene

I was checking the documents when Mrs. Goff walked, followed by none other than Mike Newton. The way Newton looked; it almost gave me a heart attack.

"What does this mean, Senora Goff?" I exclaimed, looking away from Newton.

Goff looked really angry as she explained the situation of Newton barging in her class. Though I was angry, I felt pity and amusement –amusement because I thought her story to be rather funny, and pity for the boy because he was humiliated so much.

I dismissed Goff and told Newton to sit. I summoned June, my assistant and told her to fetch new clothes for the poor boy. I wrinkled my nose when he sat in my favorite chair. Oh, great. It's gonna stink for weeks.

I had a little chat with Mike about what happened today. By the time I was done, my assistant returned with new clothes and I ordered Newton to change his clothes. I never ever wanted to see him in that state again. The boy accepted the clothes and went out of the room quickly.

When nobody was within hearing and seeing range, I broke into loud, raucous laughter.

-8-8-

Translation from Spanish to English:

Spanish: Esto es demasiado. ¿Cómo puede este muchacho arruinar mi clase. Y de una manera tan atroz para entrar en la clase. Esto debe ser reportado inmediatamente al es demasiado!

English: This is too much! How can that boy ruin my class? And such an atrocious way to enter a class! This must be reported immediately to the principal!