MIKE NEWTON, THE KING OF EMBARRASSMENT
All rights go to Stephenie Meyer ©
Name of chapter: Fire Alarms
Summary: Mike hears a fire alarm only to find out it's not a fire alarm at all.
Author's note: I'm so sorry for not updating quicker. You wouldn't believe my busy schedule...just when I was about to get some good leisure time, I end up with more Biology assignments! Hell! Anyway, this chapter has been re-written and edited.
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"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
-Terry Pratchett
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Character Point of View: Mike Newton
Settings: Locker room
I was back here again. It seemed the only safe place for me, where I could sit here without ending up with my head stuck in the toilet or something equally dumb like that. I got up and walked to the nearest shower stall.
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Character Point of View: Edward Cullen
I was standing outside the boys' locker room. Alice and Jasper were going over their plan, and they were taking care of a few "last minute" changes, though I was aware that it was much more than that. A combination of Alice and Emmett was like grouping the devil and the Norse god of tricks, Loki, together. Christ, you don't want to know the destruction they would unleash.
Now, where was I? Ah, yes, I was talking about what we were doing. So, Alice and Jazz had employed me to eavesdrop on Newton's mind, and trust me, it was no drip of blood. Pardon the bad joke and pun.
"Alice, why can't you go?" Jasper whined. "It's difficult for me."
"It's the boys' room," said Alice. "Imagine the shock of the poor kids if they see a girl in there. They'll probably faint on the spot, naked or not."
"Forget what I said before!" Jasper said, horrified. "Alice, you most definitely are not going there."
"I never said I was going to. But," she said. "I do have an idea."
I caught a glimpse of what she planned to make me do, and I swore an oath.
"I will certainly not go there, Alice," I hissed out. "Emmett can go."
"Go where?"
Speak of the devil and he shall come. Emmett stood in front of me, grinning.
"I know you heard me," I snapped at him. He boomed out a laugh, and agreed to go.
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Character Point of View: Emmett Cullen
Jasper and I were strolling down the aisle in the boys' locker room. Shit, how the heck did the boys' locker room become so stinky? Trust me, a pig sty smells better than this. Oh, wait did I explain why Jazzy-boy came along? I bet not. He came because of his oh-sooo awesome plumber skills. Yeah, I'm sure that plumbing classes must have been top-priority in his days.
You wouldn't believe what he did to that woman, Lena Nosier –wait; I think her name was Lana Nosier- in Alaska. Little Miss Spinster Lana was a woman with a gross habit of meddling in others' affairs. Alice hates her, and you don't wanna know why. Trust me. Anyway, this Lana kept turning up on poor Tanya's doorstep, and she kept pestering Tanya whether they were using birth control, and proceeded to give Carmen and Eleazar a really, really long sex talk. Being young-looking and married does have its downs. Carmen and Eleazar proved that fact true. I don't think they've ever forgotten it. Ever.
Fed up with the she-demon, Tanya and Kate decided for a little payback. Kate dressed up as a gypsy –I don't wanna know what a gypsy was doing in the icebox Alaska- and told Lana that something weird would happen to her if she didn't stop pestering the Cullens.
Guess what she did? I'm sure you guys would have done something sensible, like agreeing with the gypsy and saying "Ooh, can you read my palm?" or something like that.
But since Lana Nosier was a weird woman, and most definitely not normal in our opinion, she slammed the door in the gypsy's face. Great way to piss off someone –just shut the door in their face. Furious, Kate requested Jasper to do something to Lana.
So, Jasper and I went over to Lana's house, and did a bit plumbing and returned home laughing our asses off. The next morning, we found out that Lana's house had filled up with water literally, and the water had frozen overnight, thus turning her oven and fridge into ice.
I laughed so hard that day.
When we heard that she was lodging a complaint against the water company, Esme stepped in and offered to pay for the damage. And that my dears, is the ending of our little funny tale.
Jasper bent down and fiddled with the thingies in the box. I don't care much about wires and all that shit, so in order to do something, I moved in front of him to block him from other people's view. Jasper finished his work, and quietly shut the box, and he stood up, smirking.
"Done," he said. "Newton will get a chilly shock now."
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Character Point of View: Mike Newton
I was just standing there in the midst of the warm water coming from the faucet, when said faucet sputtered and stopped. I squinted up through the haze of soapy lather covering my eyes. The faucet sputtered again and a whole torrent of ice-cold water, which felt like it came straight from the Atlantic, splashed all over me.
What the fuck!
"Aaargh!" I roared out, shivering. My teeth started chattering. Still shivering, I reached out with my hand and turned off the stupid faucet. I groaned and leant back on the wall, only to jump back in shock when the wall turned out to colder than the water.
Shit.
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Character Point of View: Emmett Cullen
I heard Newton scream out in fright, and I smiled to myself.
"Now," I told Jasper cheerfully. "It's time for the next part."
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Time: Next day
Jazzy-boy and I were standing in front of Newton's shower stall. I took out the device from my pocket and stuck it to the door. It was quite small, and unless you had a microscope trained on it, you wouldn't be able to see it. Jasper pinned the tiny camera on the opposite wall and stepped back.
"Good enough," he said, and exited the room. I followed him.
Damn, I couldn't wait.
Later, when the bell rang, I jumped up from my seat in class, and was one of the first people out of the door. I looked over my shoulder, and saw Alice nod at me. Smiling to myself, I took out the remote control and walked to the boys' locker room.
Now, to sit back and enjoy the hooplaza, I thought.
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Character Point of View: Edward Cullen
Settings: Boys' locker room
Scowling, I was seated at one of the benches in the boys' room. Emmett made me sit there, and being the childish man he is, he wanted me to say whatever was in Newton's mind. Not my piece of cake.
Christ. What did I do to get this?
I saw Emmett lolling against the wall, like he didn't care a bit about what was going to happen. Very melodramatic. Emmett took out the remote control and in a not-so-subtle manner, he pressed the green button. I heard the sound of a fake fire alarm going off in Newton's shower stall, and I sighed to myself. The boys in this room wouldn't hear the fake alarm, but we vampires could. Just then, I caught Newton's startled thoughts.
What the hell's that? Shiiiiit, it's a fire alarm! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, something bad must have happened! Did they get burned by the fire? I GOTTA GET OUTTA THERE!
I snorted out a little laugh, and managed to stifle it. Too late, Emmett was already grinning down at me.
"Something bad's happened," I told him. "He has to get out of there. This is the edited version."
Just then, one of the shower stall doors banged open, and none other than Mike Newton walked out of it. Oh, and did I mention he was naked? Not a good impression to make on your friends, I daresay.
Everyone in the room froze, except for Emmett and Jasper, who were laughing like they had inhaled a whole vat of laughing gas. It was a good thing they didn't need to breathe or I would have had to perform CPR on them in the room itself.
Meanwhile, Newton was standing still, eyes still resembling a shocked bug.
"Where's the fire escape?" he bellowed at the nearest person. "Are the people safe?"
Brian Terrence snorted. "Of course, we're safe. What the heck do you mean by a fire alarm!"
Still panicked looking, Newton babbled out: "Yeah, there was a fire alarm! I heard it! It-it was so loud! Quick, we've got to get out of here! Is my life insured? Are the fire people here yet?"
I heard the others' thoughts, and let them fill my head, curious to know what they were thinking of this.
Jesus, he's a frigging idiot. He must be one of those naturalists...always walking around naked. Weird.
I can't wait to tell Mrs. Newton that her son came out without anything on! I can't wait to tell Jessica –she spreads gossip faster than wildfire!
Oh no…I need to get outta here…get him and his body somewhere else…
My poor eyes! What the devil is wrong with Mike Newton?
Just then Mr. Jefferson pushed his way through the crowd.
"What the-"
Jefferson froze.
"Newton!" he yelled. His thoughts were spinning wildly and he then started hyperventilating. Newton ignored him.
"Newton!" he barked. "Cover yourself up!"
Newton didn't do anything, as he was busy asking one of the boys why they were staring at him in such shock and horror.
"Yeah," Brian sneered. "It's 'cause you're naked in front of us!"
Newton froze and looked down for the first time. His entire body was covered in soap suds, which were rapidly disappearing. He started quaking. By now, Mr. Jefferson had recovered from his panic attack, and he screamed:
"Newton! What the hell are you doing! This isn't a show of Victoria's Secret!"
He stuttered to a halt and I realized that he had revealed too much. Even Newton was staring at him.
"Explain this," said Mr. Jefferson, blushing viciously.
"L-look at me," said Newton, smiling feebly.
I exhaled in disbelief. Did Newton really say that? He really was insane.
"Yeah," Brian taunted. "We can see that. Nice presentation. Too bad the girls aren't here."
Newton turned bright vermilion red and fled from the scene. Shame on him, poor boy. I just hope he gets amnesia soon, so he'll be able to forget the horrendous moments. I shook my head in the unbelievable fact that I had been a part of this. I exited from the room immediately, when I heard Emmett and Jasper guffawing with laughter.
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A/N: Did anyone notice a line from 'Over My Dead Body'? ;)