MIKE NEWTON, THE KING OF EMBARRASSMENT

All copyrights go to Stephenie Meyer ©

Name: Isabella's Unhappiness

Rating: Large amount of swear words by Mike

Summary: When Isabella Swan mysteriously goes missing, Mike tries to find her.

Timeline: New Moon [Edward dumps Bella in the forest]

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"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy."

-George Jean Nathan

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Character Point of View: Mike Newton

I sat on the sofa lazily, munching on a packet of Doritos. No –you misunderstand me. I'm eating the Doritos inside the packet, not the packet. Some pathetic baseball game was on the television, but I didn't give a darn. No, I didn't give a darn because I was practically asleep at the moment.

The phone rang.

My first impulse would have been to chuck my packet of Doritos at it, but right now…well, let's say, this was the last packet of Doritos I had now.

"Mike!" screeched Mom, from the kitchen. "Get the phone!"

I made no move to get up. Why not let Mom or Dad get the phone themselves?

The phone shrilled out again.

"Mike!" Mom roared. "Get. The. Phone."

What if the caller on the phone was Jessica, yapping about whatever trivial thing happened to her? Something's seriously wrong with her –I mean, come on. She called me at one in the morning last week. One in the flipping morning, before the sun even peeked out. Who on Earth is that crazy to call at that hour?

"For Pete's sake," howled Mom. "I can't take the phone, because my hands are in the dough! Do me a favor, and get the bloody phone!"

Whatever happened to the no-swearing-in-the-house rule?

Groaning, I dragged myself up, and grabbed the phone.

"Newton residence," I growled. "You'd best tell me what the fu-"

"John!" screamed Charlie Swan. "Where the hell are you?"

"Um…" I faltered. "I'm Mike actually."

"Mike," asked Charlie. "Is that you?"

"Yeah."

"Call your father, boy," commanded Charlie. "I need him now."

"Dad's not here," I said. "He's busy in his study."

"Fine –call your mom."

"Okay," I told, and then took a deep breath. "Mom!"

"Ow!" Charlie yelped on the other line. "What'd blazes did you have to scream into the phone for?"

"Sorry," I said apologetically. "I meant to call Mom."

"Well, call her," snarled Charlie. "And don't scream on the phone either. Your mother's not on the phone, boy!"

"Hey, Mom –Charlie's on the phone!" I hollered, taking care to keep the mouthpiece covered.

A few moments later, Mom scurried out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on the dishtowel.

"Honestly, Mike," she grouched. "Don't you even know how to call me properly? Frankly, I think-"

"Charlie's on the phone," I mouthed to her. She closed her mouth, and took the phone, eyeing me like I just killed someone.

"Hello, Chief Swan," she said in that voice she specially reserved for guests. "Karen Newton here."

The conversation took approximately five minutes, through which Mom hemmed and hawed each second.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Apparently," Mom began, looking disapproving, like I was responsible for whatever mess occurred. "Isabella Swan is missing. Chief Swan found a note of paper on the table, and he thinks that his daughter has run off with one of those Cullen kids –Edmund or Edwin, something like that. Personally, I thought that she was never one to elope."

"Please don't speak about Bella like that, Mom," I said softly. "I know she didn't elope, Mom."

Mom just shrugged, and went upstairs –kitchen work forgotten.

I wasted the rest of the hour by watching some stupid reality show on television –and brooding over what Bella found so attractive in Edward-fucking-Cullen. Was it the weird hair, which looked like it had been attacked by a demonic hair dryer? Was it his face? Hell, he didn't even have any stubble. Why, I've never so much seen a hair poking out of his chin, every time I see him.

Cullen is a weirdo.

Some minutes later, Mom came down the stairs, Dad trotting at her heels. Both of them were dressed for outdoors, and hey –was that a torch in Mom's hand?

"Hold on," I put my hand in front of them. "Mom, Dad –what's this all about?"

"Chief's putting together a search party," snapped Mom. "Move, Mike –we're late."

"What for?" I squawked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Mom said, raising her eyebrows.

"Bella," I said, hollowly.

Oh, god.