"How much longer do you think it'll take them?" Dave said one afternoon as Santana studied herself in the mirror and Dave scrolled on the internet.
"I dunno. If you're on Kurt's photos on facebook right now, then I'd give it about a week." Santana said without looking. Dave flushed.
"I was not." He murmured. Santana looked towards him with a silly smile then looked back at the mirror.
"I never said you were. I just said that if you were—"
"I'm going to sing to him." Dave cut her off and looked her way.
"Yep, and I'm going to stop being hot." Santana said, brushing her hair out of her face.
"I'm serious." Dave said, sitting up on the bed. "I'm going to sing-apologize to him. That's what you guys do, right? Sing and crap?"
Santana rolled her eyes and walked towards the chair and looked at him. "Well considering that it's glee club, yes. We 'sing and crap'."
"I know what I'm going to sing to him." Dave said in a faraway voice. "I know exactly what I'm going to do."
"If it's a springsteen song, I am going to kill you. I swear if I hear the Boss one more time—"
"He's a classic!" Dave frowned. "He's the most talented rock artist of the eighties! His albums will forever be—"
"!" Santana threw her head back in laughter. "Oh my god, you and Springsteen sitting in a tree."
Dave flushed. "He's just talented." Santana raised an eyebrow. "… and he's not half-bad for his age." Santana gave him a thumbs up and laughed in her chair.
"Was it a Springsteen song?"
"No." Dave said. "None of his songs say what I really want to say. I've got the perfect one."
"You know… you singing to Kurt isn't exactly the most subtle of tactics."
"I know but—"
"Which means…" She cut him off. "That we have to get caught making out." Dave drew back with a frown.
"Do we really?"
"I want to make it hard for them." Santana said. "So I'll make it hard for you."
"Yeah, you couldn't make it hard if you took off your clothes and gave me a lap dance."
"Well, that's because you're gay." Santana rolled her eyes. "It's just a phrase that I have. But yeah, if you want people to not think you're gay, then you have to do a not gay thing, like making out with a girl."
"But… it's you." Dave said, retching. "That's like… that's like incest."
"…Do I really mean that much to you?" Santana asked. Dave looked away.
"You're the only person in my entire life that I've been completely myself around. It's weird." Dave said. "You're kinda my best friend."
Santana smiled genuinely and reached over to hug him.
"You know what, Teddy Bear? I think it's your turn to start the rumor. Last time I tried, Jacob Ben Jewfro figured it out."
"I've got the perfect idea." Dave said.
Coach Beiste had called an end-of-the-year football meeting, and everyone had to get into their gym clothes. It was about to start, and Finn thought that he'd go into the locker room just a little early. Quinn was turning into a monster again and he didn't want to have to deal with that. He entered the locker room, made absolutely no noise when he entered the completely empty locker room.
"Shh!" someone said, and then both male and female giggles ensued.
"Okay, so when they come in, we're gonna like… we're gonna…" That was Santana, and she was giggling. "We're gonna accidentally trip and like… everyone's gonna see us."
"Oh my god, Santana you're so high." The male said, giggling. That was definitely Karofsky… but it didn't sound like him. He didn't sound threatening and he actually sounded kind of happy.
"If I wanted to bring my face anywhere near yours it had to be done." Santana said. She coughed and then something crashed.
"Shhh!" Karofsky giggled. "You are such a clutz."
"When we run past them, they're gonna be like… are you gonna grab one of their asses?"
"What if I did? Would that be bad? That would probably be hilarious."
"You should grab Finn's ass." Santana said. Finn frowned, his mouth open a little at Karofsky's drug-induced giggles. He was about to go and see what was around the corners by the showers when the rest of the team started to enter the locker room. They were noisy and laughing. Finn stayed planted in the spot, hearing a loud crash from the showers and a disheveled Santana was draped over a flushed Karofsky. Everyone looked. People started to catcall and whistle, Finn just thought it was the most awkward thing he'd ever seen.
"Shit!" Karofsky said, his pupils dialated, his smile goofy. "That was… that thing meeting was today, right?"
"Hey guys." Santana said giving a small wave. Karofsky stood up, grabbed Santana by the hand and dragged her along while Santana muttered,
"Do it. Do it. Do iiiiiiiiiit."
"No! no..." Dave snickered as they ran past him to the lockerroom door. They left, the stench of weed lingered in the air. Puck came up behind Finn and frowned.
"Okay, that was one of the most fucked up things I've ever seen."
"They were trying too hard." Finn muttered. The rest of the team seem to have bought it, or they didn't really care because they were only lightly talking about how they got with Santana or how they thought Karofsky was lucky or something.
He almost mentioned to Puck about how Santana told Karofsky that he should grab Finn's ass, but he let it die on his tongue. It was just too weird to say out loud.
"Do you think they bought it?" Santana asked, looking back at the locker room.
"My teammates are so stupid." Dave said, brushing it off. "I mean, like, how obvious was it when I was looking at Sam's ass, and like, they didn't even notice shit like that so they're probably gonna buy it."
"Okay."
"Time for stage 2!" Santana said, pulling his hand, running towards the choir room. They approached the choir room; it was dark except for a figure sitting at the piano.
"Hey Brad." Santana said, pulling Dave inside. "Dave and I are gonna pretend that we're straight in here okay?" Brad just nodded. Dave's eyes widened.
"What the hell? Why did you just tell that guy? Why did-?"
"Brad just kind of exists here." Santana shrugged, pulling him to a chair. "Okay. So. So you gotta do it like you know what you're doing, okay? Have you ever made out with someone?"
"In like… 7th grade."
"Really?" Santana snorted.
"Yes, and what a magnificent pillow it was." Dave fell in the chair. He hesitated. "We actually have to like… kiss now." He muttered.
"Soon. Cuz they're gonna be here." Santana said. A few giggles from down the hallway echoed into the choir room. Santana straddled his lap and pulled his face in to kiss. Dave was sort of grossed out, but he pretended like he knew what he was doing as he ran his hands over Santana's back.
"grab my boob."
"Why?" Dave muttered.
"Oh my god, you are an impossible gay." Santana growled, reached down and grabbed Dave's hand to plant it on her boob. Dave was counting down the seconds until he got to stop. They heard the door open and Dave closed his eyes and pretended that Kurt was on him, not Santana. They were about the same height, and Dave gently brushed a hand on her face. He brought his hand from on her boob to her waist and pretended, he pretended with all his might. It wasn't that difficult with the aid of weed.
"Oh—" Tina's voice whispered. "Sorry." And they silently backed out, running down the hallway, probably eager to tell the entire glee club what they just saw. Santana got off of Dave after another 6 seconds and they both made retching noises.
"Uuughh, I thought I'd never have to do that again…." She choked, sliding a piece of gum in her mouth. She offered one to Dave.
"And seriously? Hand on boob? Do I even look like a boob man?"
"You are entirely an ass man, David." Santana chuckled. "Don't worry. I believe you. Now. Tell me what song you wanted to sing to Fancy?"
"Ahh!" Dave pointed. "you just called him Fancy! That's my nickname."
"It caught on. I like Porcelain better though."
Dave stared at Santana with eyes as wide as saucers."…that… may actually be the most perfect name for him I have ever heard in my entire life."
Santana bit her lip to try and stifle the laughter that was threatening to give them away. "Come on." She snickered. "Let's get out of here."