Disclaimer: I own Brawl; I can tell you for a bonafide FACT that Master Chief and Crash are fully playable.

Rebuilding Chapter Two:

For Recreational Purposes Only

"Super Smash Bros Brawl!" smiled the realtor. "You know, the hot new game coming out!"

"Game?" asked Mario furiously.

"Uh...forget I said that!" continued the realtor, still with an insipidly pleasant tone.

"This is the third mansion?" asked Link, confused.

"Yeah!" said the realtor. "And you are the first two here!"

"Can we get help against the maniac outside?" asked Link.

"Well, I suppose so," said the realtor, her smile fading slightly. "The new items have already arrived. This is a Gooey Bomb."

She produced from behind the counter a sticky little ball, coated in pink goo.

"Great," snarled Link. "Kirby and Jigglypuff's aborted baby is going to help us a lot."

Mario slapped Link. And took the bomb.

"So-a, this thing-a is just a Motion Sensor Bomb?" asked Mario, disinterested.

"No, no, this one sticks to opponents!" smiled the realtor, as Wario rammed the motorcycle into the door again. "Try it!"

Mario tossed the bomb outside, where it latched onto Wario's front.

"Wha?" came Wario's voice from outside. "Get this thing off!"

"I got-a him!" grinned Mario.

"I already had bombs before they were cool..." pouted Link.

Just then, Wario violently exploded, sending the bike flying through the door, hitting the desk. A supply of Gooey Bombs were thrown into the air, all of them latching in a circle around Mario.

"Wow, don't you just hate it when crap lines up like that?" asked Link. A charred Wario flipped Mario the bird through the cracked window.

"I'm so totally out of here!" sighed Pikachu melodramatically.

"Now, hey, hold up," paused Fox. "Surely we'll come back eventually, with more Smashers?"

"Where are we going to get more anytime soon?" asked Pikachu sceptically. It was at that moment that an angel descended from the heavens, landing gracefully before Fox and Pikachu, his red hair sweeping gracefully across his face as he smiled charismatically.

"You're a fucking fag, dude," said Fox bluntly.

"It's my choice!" yelled the angel, shooting a vibrant blue arrow into Fox's shin. Fox fell over, panting through pain. "Now leave me alone, you 'phobes!"

"Okay, Mario, does it hurt when I do this?" asked Link, poking Mario in the arm.

"What-a are you-a talking about-a?" asked Mario.

"I really don't know," responded Link.

The angel burst through the door, tossing Wario's bike's fender aside, slashing at Link and waving wildly.

"Ah, our first newcomer!" smiled the realtor. "Pit, you are the third Smasher for Super Smash Bros Brawl!"

"Awesome!" smiled Pit, while Mario and Link stared. One Gooey Bomb went off, puncturing the silence, but Mario was merely shaken by the explosion, not being caught in the middle.

"Holy crap-a!" yelled Mario.

"Don't worry, Mexican immigrant!" called Pit triumphantly. "I can save you!" And with that, Pit took out Palutena's bow, and drew the string.

"Dude, what the hell?" asked Link, puzzled.

Pit fired a blue arrow, which curved around the cluster of Gooey Bombs, deactivating them all. The force of the explosion sent a shining ball careening towards Mario. It cracked on his head and broke.

"Whoa-a...this sucks..." muttered Mario.

"You know something Pit?" asked Link. "I really don't like you." He slashed at Pit, who flew away in time.

"What's wrong with Pedro?" asked Pit, pointing at the glowing Mario.

"The Smash Ball," said the realtor, positively writhing with excitement, "enables any Smasher to use their finishing move!"

Mario opened his hands, and glared at Pit angrily.

"Oh, sweet dude!" cheered Link.

Mario unleashed a massive explosion, which engulfed Pit.

"Hey guys, we came back to apology-"began Pikachu, but he and Fox were caught and engulfed to death. Well, not death. But they were blown away.

"This is so awesome!" smiled Link, being set ablaze.

Wario, dazed, raised his head through the window, and was set on fire.

"What was that-a?!" asked Mario in awe, losing his glow as the attack ended.

Many Smashers from the second mansion were grouped around Kirby, who was standing on Luigi's shoulders and holding the phone to his side.

"Anything yet?" asked DK.

"No, it's still ringing," lamented Kirby. "No word from them."

"That," smiled the realtor, "is a Smash Ball!"

"Smash Ball?" asked Pit. "I thought they were phone-type things?"

"No, that was in Achievement Unlocked, this is Rebuilding! When opened, the Smash Ball enables Smashers to use their most powerful attack!" smiled the realtor.

Link glared warily at Mario. "Give me that, I want to see mine!"

"No-a!" retorted Mario. "I want another try-a!"

Pikachu and Fox woke up to a faint ringing.

"Aw man...my head...what was that?" asked Fox.

"Hey, what's that ringing noise?" asked Pikachu.

"I think that's a phone," replied Fox.

Pikachu picked up his Pika-...phone...and said, "Hello?"

"Hey, it's Kirby," said Kirby, from the other line. "Did you find the place?"

"Well, we thought Mario and Link were too...well...sure of themselves..." said Pikachu embarrassedly. "So, we...kinda abandoned them, then they found the place."

"Is Fox there?" asked Kirby.

"Yeah," said Pikachu.

"Good. You're BOTH idiots and jackasses," Kirby said nonchalantly.

"Well, we tried to get back in, but Mario set us on fire!" yelled Pikachu.

"You're ALL idiots and jackasses," corrected Kirby.

"Uh oh!" panicked the realtor.

Mario, Link and Pit looked up inquiringly.

"There's someone breaking in!"

Wario tumbled through the window, armed with a Super Scope.

"ALLAH!" cried Wario in a throaty voice.

"Don't worry!" smiled Link. "He can't move while firing that thing!"

Wario ran over and shot Mario in the face.

"Well, he can't jump, and you can fly Pit, so..." continued Link.

Wario jumped in the air and shot Pit in the nads.

"Well, he can't see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch," ended Link.

Wario came to a realisation, and ran out the Mansion, crying.

"You know," said the realtor, "There is a piece of heavy artillery available for any more intrusions."

Mario, Link and Pit looked up inquiringly again.

"This is the Cracker Launcher," presented the realtor.

"It's a gun that fires white people," guessed Link.

"Wha-NO! NO! NO IT DOESN'T!" yelled the realtor, visibly offended. "That's it! You don't get to try it out!"

"Lame," moaned Pit for no reason.

"I guess I get it-a!" smiled Mario, lifting it! "Wow, this is heavy-a!"

"Let me see that thing," said Link, flexing his arms. He recoiled without even touching it. "Yeow, that thing isn't moving."

Suddenly, a stream of blue firecrackers erupted from the Cracker Launcher.

"Cool!" exclaimed Pit.

"Incredible-a!" marvelled Mario.

"Hey, look, more people outside," said Link.

Kirby was storming up to the Mansion, having gotten directions from Fox and Pikachu, who he was dragging by the ear.

"Alright," he yelled at the door, "What the HELL is going on here?"

Mario threw the still erupting Cracker Launcher at Kirby. Kirby caught it, and pressed a button. All of the fireworks exploded.

"HOLY CRAP-A!" yelled Mario.

One of the fireworks exploded at Link's foot, and a white person stepped out of the smoke.

"I told you it fired white people," said Link complacently.

"Yeah, well, you know, shut up," said C-the realtor.

"Let me see that," demanded Fox, picking up the Cracker Launcher and firing. Mario took another one out of the cartoon empty space, and fired a red firework into the air wildly. Fox adjusted the sights, and shot Wario unconscious for no reason.

"Very well then!" cried Link. "Let this be our FINAL BATTLE!"

Co-the realtor hit a button on the wall, and the background suddenly took on the appearance of Delfino Plaza.

Mario and Pikachu glared at each other, menacingly, and Link jumped at Pikachu with his sword drawn.

"LINK! HE COME TO TOWN!" sang Link, off-key.

Link pinned Pikachu down and punched him in the face, while Mario ran over to see to Fox and Kirby.

"Do we really have to-" began Kirby, before Mario punched him.

Kirby then swallowed Mario, to become Mario Kirby! Then Mario hit him and he lost the power. I hate it when that happens.

Kirby picked up Mario, and back-threw him into Fox's...

"BAWWWWLS!" whined Fox, clutching his crotch. "I thought we all agreed no hitting in the BAAAAAWLS!"

Fox tried to retaliate on Kirby by performing a jumping kick, but Kirby extended his hand, and Fox, thinking it was another grab attempt, retreated. Pit flew in from behind Kirby, and slashed at him.

Mario jumped into the air and slammed his fist into Fox's cheek, while Link rejoined the fray and shot his Clawshot at Kirby, throwing him backwards out of the Mansion with Pikachu. Pit shot Fox's crotch with another Light Arrow, and Fox ran away screaming.

"Now that was impressive," noted the realtor, and the mansion's benefactor walked up, sipping some coffee.

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