A/N: Hi everyone, I'm back! So, sorry that after such a long wait this is a really short chapter. Originally I'd planned to take it further before posting, combine the next couple of chapters and fill in some of the Edward-less stuff, but that'll have to wait because...I really wanted to post this. For those who haven't checked my main page, I didn't want you to think I'd dropped off the face of the Earth. My husband and I welcomed our little girl, Aubrey Isabella, into our lives on August 30th!!! She's absolutely amazing, we are so very blessed. It's been a crazy few weeks, but things are settling down a bit now. We're starting to define our new routine, and I've been able to write a little bit during those (albeit short...) nap times. As promised, I'm not ditching out on Edward, but updates can't be as close together as when I was on bed rest. I'm hoping to at least get a chapter out every couple of weeks. It's nice to have a little grown up time to myself, but even when she's sleeping, it's hard not to just stare at my baby girl all the time. :) Thanks for being patient, and I hope you enjoy my quick "jumping back into things" chapter. I'm hoping for the best, but any errors or inconsistencies I'm gonna go ahead and blame on new mom brain...
BTW, if anyone wants to see pics of my little cutie, I'm on myspace (dot) com/violadreams. Yes, I've already taken about a thousand pics, and yes, I'm totally that parent. "Look at my baby girl!!!" (whips out photos and shows them to people I don't know...) :)
Switzerland – EPOV
I sat in my car, eyes fixed on the small road leading out of La Push. Time seemed to stand still. If she knew what she was doing to me, surely Bella wouldn't have pulled such a ridiculous stunt. Alice had told me it must have been a snap decision, in order for her to have disappeared so quickly. She wasn't thinking about me and all the times I'd warned her of the danger. She hadn't thought about how every moment I couldn't know whether or not she was safe ate away at my sanity. She'd left on a whim. She'd left to be with him...
Although I'd tried to deny it, in that moment, I realized I was in fact feeling the unsettling twinges of jealousy. I'd been trying to convince myself the only reason I didn't want her visiting La Push was her safety, and of course that was my primary concern, but as the seconds ticked by, I had to admit, at least to myself, that there was another emotion toying with me. Perhaps Bella didn't understand the full extent to which it tormented me when she went to where I couldn't protect her, but I was certain she had a vague idea. And in the end, her running away at the first opportunity made me wonder what kind of pull Jacob had over her. How desperately did she want to be with him that she could so callously cast my feelings aside, and put me through this misery?
The longer I sat, the harder it was to remember why it was necessary for me to simply wait. The sun blazing overhead was a fortunate reminder that waiting in the car was my only real option. If it had been nighttime, it would have been all too easy to convince myself that I could remain hidden – run to her, and watch from a distance, knowing I was close enough to intervene should it become necessary.
With each minute that passed, I grew more panicked, and eventually I began foolishly bargaining with myself.
If she's not back by the time the sun sets, I'm going to find her, treaty or not.
Such a dangerous place for my mind to go, and it was getting worse every minute. I could feel my resolve wavering as I stared at the empty road, helpless.
Why wait for sundown? It's not like I have anything to hide. The wolves know what I am. If she's not back in an hour, I'm going after her.
Thankfully, as foot twitched toward the gas pedal, I head the familiar roar of Bella's engine. The relief that washed over me as she came into view trumped any feelings of jealously that had managed to creep in. All that mattered was that she was safe.
She'd always made it clear how aware of my presence she was, so admittedly, I was expecting her to see me right away and pull over. I was dumbfounded when her truck turned onto the road leading back to Forks, and I suddenly wondered if she'd seen me and chosen not to stop. I knew that my protective nature, and what she would consider unwarranted worry, often frustrated her. Though I didn't want to believe it, the unfalteringly steady speed she maintained all the way back into town only made me feel more certain she was avoiding me.
I stared into her rear view mirror, wishing she would glance back at me. I longed to see her eyes, needed to get some idea of what she was thinking and feeling. Frustrated yet again by her ever silent mind, it felt cruel for her to keep her gaze from me as well. Her eyes were often the only window I had into her thoughts, and she was keeping that window closed to me in this of all moments.
Her truck passed the turnoff to her house without slowing, and for a moment, I wondered if she was heading toward my house. A few blocks later, she pulled up next to the curb in front of a house I didn't recognize. Bella had been talking about her plans to help Angela with graduation announcements, so I assumed it was the Weber residence. As I drove past her parked truck, I tried unsuccessfully to convince myself she was merely keeping a promise to a friend, rather than purposely putting off talking to me. Still, as her eyes stared stubbornly downward, I couldn't help but feel her avoidance. It took everything in me to keep driving, but now that her safety was no longer a concern, I knew I didn't have the right to force her company.
I would check in with Alice, though of course she would already know Bella was safely back over the line. Then, I would wait for her to come home. If Bella asked me to leave, I would comply, but I hoped that being back within the comfort of her home, she would be willing to listen with an open mind, and she would finally understand why I couldn't allow her safety to be put at risk again.
Even I didn't believe it could ever be that simple.
I stood in the growing darkness of her room for what seemed like hours. I lost track of time, though I noticed the sun was beginning to set by the time I heard her truck roar to a stop outside. I forced myself not to listen to her conversation with Charlie, though somehow Jacob's name managed to pierce through my determined wall. My teeth clenched as the earlier feelings of jealously once again took hold. It was ridiculous, and I hated myself for allowing such a juvenile response, yet I couldn't stop the train of thought. Why, if she was as happy with me as she said she was, couldn't she seem to let him go?
Though I'd been worried Bella would be the irrational one, the longer I waited for her to come upstairs, the less rational my own thoughts became. The realization of what I'd almost done because of her rash decision came crashing in on me, and by the time Bella finally entered her room and looked me in the eye, it was all I could think about. She didn't take my concerns seriously, she'd chosen her own desire to visit Jacob over listening to my pleas against it, and it had nearly made me break the treaty my family had spent decades upholding.
"Hi," she whispered, and amid my staggering, racing thoughts, I couldn't find my voice to answer her.
"Er...so, I'm still alive," she continued, and I felt a growl boil up at her attempt at nonchalance. "No harm done," she added, shrugging casually.
Unfortunately, the moment she spoke the words, my overactive imagination pictured all the harm that could have been done. My eyes shut tightly and I watched my worst fears behind my eyelids.
"Bella," I said, desperate to find my way out of the nightmare and back into the present. "Do you have any idea how close I came to crossing the line today? To breaking the treaty and coming after you? Do you know what that would have meant?"
I heard her take in a sharp breath and I forced my gaze upon her again.
"You can't!" she gasped, her eyes panicked. "Edward, they'd use any excuse for a fight. They'd love that. You can't ever break the rules!"
"Maybe they aren't the only ones who would enjoy a fight," I spat, suddenly bombarded with images of finally getting to show those monsters what they were up against. They had no idea. If Jacob or any of those cretins he called friends ever caused her any harm...
"Don't you start," she said, breaking me from my thoughts. "You made the treaty – you stick to it."
"If he'd hurt you – "I started, but she wasn't in any mood to hear it. And honestly, I didn't really want to think about it any more myself.
"Enough! There's nothing to worry about. Jacob isn't dangerous."
"Bella," I said, rolling my eyes at her absurdity. She had no concept of danger when it came to her life. Countless afternoons spent in a house full of vampires, hunted by one who wants revenge, gallivanting with werewolves – just another day, nothing worth worrying about. "You aren't exactly the best judge of what is or isn't dangerous," I added dryly.
"I know I don't have to worry about Jake. And neither do you."
I felt my jaw tighten at the finality of her statement. It felt like it would never end. She was determined that there was no danger in her spending time with him, and she wasn't going to stop trying to convince me. Whether it was simply because she wanted to be able to spend time with him, or because she genuinely wanted me to accept him I couldn't be sure.
As Bella eyed me cautiously from across the room, I realized neither one of us had made any motion to move toward each other. Normally, she was in my arms within seconds of closing her door, and I suddenly felt pain – a longing, deep inside at the distance between us. It wasn't just the physical distance either, but the chasm the seemed to have opened up between us from the argument that appeared to have no solution.
As if feeling the distance as implicitly as I did in that moment, Bella began walking toward me, her eyes never leaving mine. Without a word, she pulled me into her embrace. It spoke volumes to how much the day had distressed me that I didn't immediately return the gesture, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if I would hold her too tightly, hurt her inadvertently from my desire to never let go.
The last rays of sun were pouring through her window, casting an ethereal glow that almost started to ease my concerns. In the sanctuary of her room, it was easier to push my fears aside. Still, the tighter she held me, the more I was reminded of my role as her protector. Why couldn't she let me play my part? I wished I could make her understand that when she took herself to where I could no longer watch over her, I was helpless and without purpose.
"I'm sorry I made you anxious," she said softly.
I felt my tension ease slightly with the sincerity of her tone. No longer able to stand the emptiness I felt not having her in my arms, I pulled her close and let myself breathe her in.
"Anxious is a bit of an understatement. It was a very long day."
"You weren't supposed to know about it. I thought you'd be hunting longer."
I noticed her concerned glance up toward my eyes, and my short hunting trip suddenly felt like it had been much longer ago than the early hours of that morning. She'd been right before. It had been too long since my last hunt and I was far from satisfied. I also knew the stress of the day had made my eyes darken more quickly than they should have, and she was staring at me, concerned. She frowned, as if I'd had any choice but to come home.
"When Alice saw you disappear, I came back," I said simply.
"You shouldn't have done that. Now you'll have to go away again."
"I can wait." No thirst or pain could drive me away any time in the near future.
"That's ridiculous. I mean, I know she couldn't see me with Jacob, but you should have known – "
"But I didn't," I insisted. Even with Alice's subjective visions, I could never be truly sure Bella was all right, and without her vision, I was completely in the dark. "And you can't expect me to let you – "
"Oh, yes, I can," she said, irritation saturating her tone. "That's exactly what I expect – "
"This won't happen again."
"That's right! Because you're not going to overreact next time."
It was foolish to say it. Even as the words left my mouth, I knew they were only going to fuel her anger, yet I didn't seem to be able to stop myself. "Because there isn't going to be a next time."
"I understand when you have to leave, even if I don't like it – " she argued.
"That's not the same. I'm not risking my life."
"Neither am I."
Her eyes were fixed on me and her jaw was set. It was as if she were arguing the simplest of truths, confused as to why I couldn't be persuaded. She was holding stubbornly to her words exactly the way I was holding to mine. As we stood, silent and frozen, it all started to feel very futile.
"Werewolves constitute a risk," I said plainly, already braced for her rebuttal.
"I disagree."
"I'm not negotiating this, Bella." What would be the point?
"Neither am I."
I could feel the tension start to return to my body, the calming effects of having her in my arms slowly dissipating. I feared my voice would be too harsh, so I paused before speaking again, willing the frustration away. Unfortunately, she misread my silence, and allowed her own thoughts to wander. When she spoke again, her voice was colder somehow, and I wished we could go back in time.
I should have gone to her the moment she stepped into the room. I should have scooped her up and pulled her next to me on the bed. Though there were obviously things that needed to be discussed, the events of the day were too fresh. Perhaps we should have allowed a little time to pass before opening the floodgates.
"Is this really just about my safety?" she asked, trying to get me to admit to the truth I could still barely admit to myself.
"What do you mean?" I asked, buying myself a few seconds.
"You aren't...I mean, you know better than to be jealous, right?" she hedged.
As the words left her mouth, I tried to deny them, but the sinking feeling that washed over me didn't grant me any peace. "Do I?" I asked, watching and taking in her incredulous expression.
"Be serious," she nearly laughed.
"Easily – there's nothing remotely humorous about this."
"Or...is this something else altogether? Some vampires-and-werewolves-are-always-enemies nonsense? Is this just a testosterone-fueled – "
Though I was happy she seemed to have moved on quickly from the topic of my jealousy, the notion that there was something beyond even that infuriated me. Frustration crushed me again as I listened to her try to turn my efforts to keep her safe into some barbaric grudge I needed to settle. All efforts at keeping up a calm facade disappeared.
"This is only about you," I growled. "All I care is that you're safe."
I stared at her intently, searching for a sign that she understood. If she couldn't make herself believe this most undeniable of truths, how would she ever have enough faith in my intentions to allow me to protect her the way I needed to?
"Okay," she finally breathed, and her eyes instantly softened. "I believe that. But I want you to know something – when it comes to all this enemies nonsense, I'm out. I am neutral country. I am Switzerland. I refuse to be affected by territorial disputes between mythical creatures. Jacob is family."
I cringed slightly as I tried to comprehend the place he had in her life. Though I tried to block them out, familiar feelings of guilt began to settle over me. If I hadn't left, if I hadn't made my terrible mistake, she wouldn't have sought refuge in the worst of places. She considered him family, and when I remembered the images he'd forced me to see – the ways I'd broken her, the ways he'd saved her – I couldn't blame her for granting him that title.
"You are..." she continued, her eyes suddenly filled with more love than I thought I deserved, "well, not exactly the love of my life, because I expect to love you for much longer than that. The love of my existence."
I was temporarily stunned at such a declaration in the midst of our argument. I almost spoke, but the determination quickly returned to her eyes. "I don't care who's a werewolf and who's a vampire. If Angela turns out to be a witch, she can join the party, too."
I watched her carefully, deciding how serious she was. And of course, since it was Bella, she was completely serious.
"Switzerland," she repeated. It really was that simple to her. This wasn't about werewolves and vampires, or even treaties and ancient rivalries. This was about the person she loved and the person she'd sought refuge in during my absence. Friends, family. It was about her desire to keep us both in her life, no matter how impossible it seemed.
"Bella," I sighed, about to tell her how absurd she was. Then, as I stared into her pleading eyes, I realized how tired she was of fighting. In truth, I was tired too – not something I was used to feeling. I paused, wondering if there was anything I could say to end it at least for the moment, and took in a deep breath. I hadn't meant to, but I must have made a sour face.
"What now?" she asked.
"Well...don't be offended, but you smell like a dog," I said with a grin. Despite the insult, she smiled back at me before burying her face against my chest. She was my Bella again. It was if the day had never happened.
Unfortunately, my growing thirst over the following days also suggested the day had never happened, and another hunting trip was planned for Friday. Though disappointed, I couldn't say I was surprised when Alice approached me Wednesday evening. I'd left Bella's house only a few minutes earlier, and as I was parking my car at home, Alice flitted to my side.
"She's going to try to leave again," she sighed. "She's trying not to think about it too much, but I've been on high alert."
"Thanks," I said flatly, and she watched incredulously as I walked toward the house.
"You don't sound upset."
"Of course I'm upset. But I knew it was coming."
"Well, what are you going to do?"
"I don't know." I shook my head, staring at the ground and willing the answer to come to me. "Alice, I can't fight with her anymore. It's wearing us both down. It's like we just keep going around in circles, stubborn and relentless, neither one of us willing to give in. Will she ever understand?"
"I wish I could answer that for you, but given the creatures in question, I don't exactly have that kind of insight." She smirked at me, trying to hide that fact that she was just as frustrated as I was.
"Carlisle isn't scheduled at the hospital tomorrow, so everyone wants to leave early. I don't even know if I can make myself go. I feel like I should stay, but if I do, she'll know it's only to keep her away from the wolves. Yet if I go, I risk having a repeat of last weekend, and I don't think I can handle that."
Alice closed her eyes for a brief moment, then smiled serenely at me. I quirked one eyebrow up.
"What?" I asked.
"The answer is yes, obviously. I've always wanted to have a slumber party," she grinned. "The only thing left is for you to make up your mind as to what exactly you're going to give me. Your first choice was nice, but where would I wear it? The second idea you had was wonderful, but Jasper's already getting it for me for Christmas. I'm hoping you end up leaning toward something a bit more...shiny. And fast."
I rolled my eyes. The plan had been rolling around in my mind since last weekend – a way to make sure Bella didn't make any more escape attempts during my necessary hunting trips. I knew Alice would be more than happy to keep Bella occupied, but it still seemed only fair to thank her properly. After all, when Bella realized what was going on, she'd take it out on Alice, likely ruining any chance of them having the type of weekend Alice was hoping for.
"Thanks," I said, wishing there was an easier way than kidnapping Bella to keep her safe.
"Don't worry about it. And don't worry about Bella either. She'll understand."
I eyed her skeptically.
"Eventually," she added, and I sighed deeply as I took off once again toward Bella's house.