This is getting really serious: nobody's reviewed to say they've found Malcolm! This is the scariest time of my life EVER! Help me, all five or so of you who actually read this story!
(Please note: Malcolm isn't real, so you could say you found him to win the prize! And also to shut me up.)
Rebuilding
Chapter 12: Typical Manlady
Ike frantically searched the castle up and down for something to cure his stress rash.
"Do we really have to watch this?" Link asked his peers 'n queers. Well, peers 'n Pit.
Kirby, Yoshi and Pikachu were filming Ike.
"And what do you kids think you're doing?" asked Link.
"We're gonna put this on YouTube," replied Kirby. "Do you know how many people want to see Ike search for and apply ointment, lotion, or other lubricants?"
Link considered this.
The three kids tilted their heads cutely.
"I guess that's a fair point," replied Link, looking over at Pit.
"Why do you bring me up every time homosexuality is discussed?" yelled Pit furiously. "I mean, you're a fairy or some shit like that!"
"Do you know what your voice sounds like?" asked Pikachu.
"No," replied Pit.
"Course you don't," smirked Yoshi.
Ike ran past everyone, clutching a bottle. Kirby, Yoshi and Pikachu ran off to film Ike, leaving Link alone with Pit.
"So, you called me a fairy," said Link conversationally.
Pit ran away.
Link sighed, and noticed Samus raking through some of Ike's stuff.
"Hey Samus, don't you think you should respect Ike's personal belongings?" asked Link.
"Don't you think you should suck my-"began Samus rudely, but she was interrupted by Link's amazed cry of "Cool! What's this white ball thing?"
Samus' voice changed to a deep male voice. "THIS IS AN ITEM THAT HAS NO EFFECT ON CHARACTERS, BUT IT'S PRETTY FUN!"
"Whoa, Samus, what was that?" asked Link, confused.
"It's that annoying guy from the new Mansion," sighed Samus. "Since we're further away from the Mansion, all of his transmissions keep getting screwed up. Sometimes they even get blocked by other crap..."
Link stared at the suit, and fiddled with a radio dial.
"Why do I have that?" asked Samus irritably, glancing at the radio dial.
The radio went through several transmissions, namely Goldenrod City's broadcasts of Professor Oak's radio show, a weird signal from Port Town containing familiar voices; one crying "FALCON...PUNCH!", and a few others.
"Nothing interesting," said Link dismissively.
Something interesting then happened. The cannonballs stopped firing from outside.
Link and Samus, the latter still clutching the item, turned to the door. Ike, Pit, and the kids looked on, while Mario, Fox, Zelda, and Donkey Kong merely looked confused.
Unpleasantly familiar voices could be heard from outside.
"I swear-a, I'm a villain too!"
"Silence, you fool. I'm invading this place first."
"Um, I'm a freaking KING. No way you other two sissies get to kill people before me."
"Too bad, I called dibs."
"DAMN!"
Meta-Knight burst through the door, brandishing his sword around violently.
"I have returned!" chuckled Meta-Knight triumphantly. "The ape defeated me in the jungle, but now you can't stop me!"
Nobody looked intimidated. Samus threw the item.
"Ha! Mere weapons can't harm me! I'm the greatest Sith lord ever!" laughed Meta-Knight.
The item released a cloud of coloured smoke. Suddenly, a second villain charged through the door, laughing.
"Wario!" cursed Mario. "I thought-a we killed you in Skyworld!"
"I bounced when-a I hit the ground!" grinned Wario evilly. "The great Allah watches over me-a!"
Wario and Meta-Knight groped around in the smoke, searching for a Smasher to attack.
The Smashers themselves tried to find the original ball, which Kirby eventually found. Kirby threw the ball at Wario, who swallowed it.
Wario caught the black lung and coughed up blood. Meta-Knight slipped on the blood and broke both ankles. Both villains left via the door.
"You did it Kirby!" grinned Link.
"I did it, Kirby!" chuckled Ike. Everyone glared at him.
"Don't take credit, you arrogant little man!" snarled Samus.
"You again?" asked Ike. "I've had just about enough of your bullying me! I challenge you to a fight! Right here, right now! Bring it on!"
"Fine!" retorted Samus, sneering at the swordsman. "In fact – dare I say it – show me your moves!"
As soon as Samus said it she wished she hadn't; thinking about Falcon or any of the others was painful right now.
Especially since Link found "FALCON...PUNCH!" on the radio...could he still be alive? Was he protecting the others?
Samus realised that the fight with Ike had started, and was just about to charge up a shot when she felt a swooping pain in her stomach – Ike had thrown his sword at her.
"All talk and no action!" smirked Ike, watching Ragnell carry Samus up into the air. "Typical woman!"
Samus spat back, "All action and no courtesy! Typical man!"
Infuriated, Ike leapt into the air to catch Ragnell, before plummeting down with Samus, performing a kind of suplex...with swords...yeah.
"Yeah, I'm all man, lady!" chuckled Ike. "You got that right!"
Fox nudged Link and whispered, "Hey, dude, he said he was a manlady."
Fox burst into silent giggles. Link rolled his eyes.
Samus kicked Ike in the back, which hurt more than the average kick as Samus was in the Power Suit.
"Ow! Stupid bitch!" grunted Ike. The aggravated swordsman swiped at Samus, the weight of Ragnell sending Samus careening back into the door.
The door flew open.
King Bowser Koopa stood there once more, with the indisposed Wario and Meta-Knight lying unconscious some metres behind him.
"Is that the swordsman who defeated me in Skyworld?" asked Bowser. "I should have known you wimps would accept him as a Super Smash Brother! Even went to the trouble of having a little sparring match, eh?"
Limply, Samus stood up. "Stay out of this, Bowser!"
"LEAVE HER ALONE!" cried Ike, diving towards Samus and Bowser, his sword out.
Ike landed between the two, energy erupting from his blade. The impact of the blow sent an unsuspecting Bowser flying back out of the castle, and a groaning Samus to her knees.
Samus looked up at Ike, confused.
"Ike...you saved me..." gasped Samus. "Why?"
Ike gave a soft smile, and looked into Samus' eyes through the visor. "I told you, I fight for my friends...and I guess I respect you...maybe even like you..."
Samus gazed at Ike, considering what he had done, until –
"W-well I can take care of myself, thank you very much!" yelled Samus, stammering a little.
Ike's eyes narrowed. "Why didn't you then?" he shouted back.
"Creep!"
"Weirdo!"
"Old timey sword!"
"Complicated suit!"
"Man!"
"Woman!"
The others watched Samus and Ike exchange insults.
"This could-a be a problem..." sighed Mario.
"I'll just kill one of them, should make things easier," shrugged Zelda.
"This is awesome," grinned Fox. "I love stuff like this!"
A molecular separation incident may have sent some Smashers close together, but one was left all alone. Bad luck always seemed to strike this poor individual. When he wasn't having the credit stolen for all his good deeds, he was playing second banana. He was the King of Second Bananas, as some may say.
These days, he was synonymous with the phrase 'Player 2'.
Luigi had been to hell and back in his life. Even from birth, he was kidnapped by Kamek and had to be saved by a jaunty green dinosaur and his older twin brother. In adulthood, he was stuck doing the grunt work, killing Goombas while Mario fought Bowser time and time again. To rescue the princess. Time and time again.
Luigi loved Mario, of course, he was his brother. But he also couldn't pretend he didn't harbour feelings for Princess Peach too, and they were just as strong as Mario's.
And now, he was alone. Alone, in a strange, unfamiliar place. No Mario, no Peach, no freaky-assed dinosaur guy. Not even Bowser. And he was only just regaining consciousness.
"Hello? Hello?" asked Luigi immediately upon waking up. "Is anybody-a there?"
Luigi took the silence to mean No. He would have thought things couldn't get much worse, if he hadn't remembered something he had brought from his only heroic adventure...
Luigi pulled out his Game Boy Horror, and contacted the first Smasher he could think of, and the one he got along with the most apart from Mario and Peach: the only other Smasher who truly knew the feeling of being overshadowed.
"Mr. Game and Watch!" Luigi cried into the device. "This is Luigi-a, do you hear me? We all got separated-a in the blast of molecular crap-a, and I'm in some kind of-"
Luigi considered his surroundings. It looked quite like an office.
"-corporation-a type place! Game and Watch, are you-a there? Game and Watch, please respond-a!"
No response came. Dejected, Luigi stuffed the Game Boy Horror back into the pocket of his overalls.
Samus and Ike glared at each other, before they were pulled away; Samus by Zelda and Pit, and Ike by Mario and Link.
"Ike-a, you can't just attack-a people!" reprimanded Mario.
"Yeah!" agreed Link. "But you know what'd make you feel better? Letting me rake through your stuff!"
"I've got a better idea," smirked Ike evilly, taking out a Smash Ball. "I salvaged this beauty from the boxes I was trapped in back at the second Mansion!"
Mario's eyes widened, and Link said hastily, "No, that's not a very good idea at all."
Ike began punching the Smash Ball, but suddenly a blue arrow flew through the air and broke the ball, sending the Ball's energy straight away from Ike – and into Pit.
The kids, who had been watching the fight, ran over with Donkey Kong in tow, leaving Fox alone with Ike's stuff he took from the boxes.
"Oh, come on!" complained Kirby. "HE gets to do his move before me?!"
Pit raised his voice to heaven.
"Who's he going to attack?" asked Link, looking out of the window. "The bad guys left!"
"Goddess Palutena! I beseech you!" beseeched Pit.
At that moment, a massive, green-haired goddess appeared outside of the castle.
"What is it, my child?" Palutena asked.
"Wow, now that's what I call a deity!" marvelled Yoshi, his mouth hanging open in awe.
"Look how big she is!" gasped Kirby.
Instinctively, everyone looked over at Fox, who was looking through Ike's boxes.
Fox looked at everyone.
"Oh...yeah...uh...heehee, how big she is..." chuckled Fox at the innuendo.
"I want you to heal my friends Samus and Ike!" requested Pit to his mother (and wife) (and daughter).
Ike chuckled.
"A healing move for your Final Smash!" laughed Ike. "You are so freakin' lame! Know the only type of person who would have a healing move for their Final Smash? A-"
Pit's eyes narrowed.
"Don't say it," threatened Pit.
"-homosexual-"
"You date that Soren guy," said Pit through gritted teeth.
"-fairy-boy-"
"Hey!" protested Link.
"-angel!"
Pit grunted in frustration, and turned back to his whatever-relation-Palutena-is.
"Cancel that, goddess!" screamed Pit. "Attack the swordsman! Deploy the troops!"
Palutena nodded, and disappeared.
"Ohh...he changed it..." realised Ike, losing his smirk.
A swarm of rabid Mexican midgets with wings appeared on the horizon.
"Here come the flying Centurions..." grinned Pit evilly.
"Wait..." considered Link. "Attack the swordsman...that could be me too, you idiot!"
Pit shrugged, as the Centurions got closer, drawing their bowstrings.
"Now, attack!" commanded Pit.
Ike and Link were met by a storm of arrows, falling all around them. The two swordsmen ran through the blitz, trying desperately to escape.
"These things-a kind of look like Mexicans-a!" remarked Mario.
Everything stopped. Ike, Link, and the Centurions turned to face Mario.
"The Italian has insulted our people!" cried José the Centurion.
"Attack him!" replied Paolo the Centurion.
All of the Centurions dive-bombed Mario at once.
"This is so awesome, live death!" giggled Zelda ecstatically.
Being Italian, Mario killed all the Mexicans as soon as they touched him.
"AAAASHGAHDGAHDAG!" screamed José and Paolo, burning to death with the rest of their people.
"Even more awesome!" smiled Zelda. "More live death!"
Mario, looking thoroughly confused, edged away from the pile of Mexican corpses.
"Their sacrifices are so...so moving..." smiled Pit fondly, wiping a tear from his eye.
"YOU KNEW-A THAT WOULD HAPPEN?!" screamed Mario desperately.
Pit opened his mouth to retaliate, but he was interrupted by Fox's exuberant cry of "ALRIGHT! I found another item!"
Fox walked over to the other Smashers, carrying a small badge.
Donkey Kong took the badge from Fox, and read it.
"Why does it say MOTHER on this item?" asked DK, bemused.
"Is there anything WRONG with having an item that says that?!" asked Fox, holding a gun to DK's throat suddenly.
"Um, course not," replied DK, sticking the badge on his chest. "I'll..uh...just keep it here with us,"
"Hey, that globe symbol's kind of familiar," noticed Yoshi, pointing to the badge's design.
"Yeah, I guess it is," agreed DK, looking down at his chest. "It kind of looks like the symbol Ness had on his yo-yo..."
DK realised what he had said as soon as he closed his mouth. All the other Smashers stared at him. Kirby, Yoshi and Pikachu were even welling up slightly.
"Did you say 'had'?" choked Kirby, silent tears streaming down his face.
"I didn't mean it like that!" said DK quickly. "I mean-he's not-I'm sure he's alive!"
"Really?" asked Pikachu. "You were in that molecular blast! How do you know he didn't get killed! Bowser even told us back when we encountered him in Smashville that he saw a short, weird-looking figure drag Ness' body away!"
"He could have been unconscious..." argued DK meekly. "...besides, Yoshi was there too!"
"I didn't see anyone during the blast," admitted Yoshi.
"I was there, and I stabbed whoever caused it!" smiled Zelda proudly.
DK revealed a scar on his arm.
"That was you?!" asked Donkey Kong indignantly.
"It was you?" asked Zelda, raising one eyebrow.
DK, Zelda and Yoshi began arguing over what could have happened during the blast, and Samus decided to silence them the only way she knew how.
She shot Donkey Kong.
"I'm telling you, the only person I saw die was-OW!" screamed DK. "I've been shot!"
DK grasped his chest, writhing in pain for about four seconds before he noticed he wasn't injured. He also noticed a large bullet hole in the wall behind Samus.
"It bounced off!" said Samus quickly. "Technically, I didn't hurt anyone!"
The mood went from sombre to light-hearted almost instantaneously. Everyone grabbed a Franklin Badge and began shooting and throwing things at each other, to watch them bounce off everywhere.
Hey, that many idiots in a tiny castle chamber, what do you expect, right?
When will the villains strike next? What's up with Ike and Samus? Where's Luigi? Who will get their Final Smash next? And...is Ness...alive?!
seY (5
ihsoY (4
.oC hpliS (3
.pihsnoitaler etah/evol (2
?serac ohW (1
FIND MALCOLM, PEOPLE!! DON'T YOU WANT ME TO SHUT UP AND GIVE Y'ALL THE PRIZE?!