Friends, countrymen, and even you in the back pretending to be too cool to read my fanfiction, for the disclaimers in the next few chapters, I'm going to be teaching you, step by step, how to write like you were an IStalkKirby yourself! (oh the inhumanity)
Our first lesson will be step one: Insult yourself.
At any chance you get, drop in some insults to yourself, like all the time. They can be petty small things, e.g.
He was almost as dumb as IStalkKirby.
Or you can really dig deep and go for the psychological problems!
IStalkKirby typed lazily, wishing he wasn't unloved by all, underrated, and un...attractive...?
Or the ultimate in insulting:
IStalkKirby sucks.
Now read the chapter!
Rebuilding
Chapter 15: Battle Royale With Cheese
Aside from Mario and Kirby's 'cranial insanitosis', as named by Fox, the Smashers had grown to tolerate each other's various mental quirks. They now spent a lot of their time playing games.
Of course, Ike's castle was crappy and had no video games, so they had to play...not video games...
One of these diabolical games had started, and it was newcomer Diddy Kong's time to shine.
"Okay Diddy, Truth or Dare?!" asked Yoshi, raising an eyebrow in mock suspense.
"Gives me one of them dares!" smirked Diddy Kong, looking at his cards.
"I dare you..." began Yoshi, trailing off as he tried to think of a suitable dare, "...to eat a bug!"
The old-timey Veggie-Tales record that Ike 'stole' at a garage-sale scratched to a halt, and Diddy Kong looked at Yoshi.
"Mac, I is a monkey. I do that all the times!" protested Diddy.
"So if you won't do the dare..." began Yoshi.
"You know the rules of 'Strip Truth or Dare Poker'!" finished Pikachu.
Diddy Kong smiled ruefully, and played a nine of spades and a four of diamonds.
Yoshi smirked, and played a king of diamonds and a ten of spades.
"The house wins!" laughed Yoshi. "Come on Diddy, take something off!"
Diddy grinned bashfully, and took off his hat.
A bowl of curry fell out of his hat.
"Oh, macs, I almost forgots I packed some luncheon," admitted Diddy Kong, hastily pulling the curry away from Yoshi's prying eyes.
"Is it safe to eat that?" asked Link from the other side of the table, putting his tunic back on and ignoring the wolf-whistles he was getting from Pit, Zelda, Peach, Pit, Samus and Pit.
"Yeahs, it's good eatin'," replied Diddy Kong, helping himself to a spoonful.
"But it's on fire," said Fox. "Weirdo."
"Buts now I can do this, mac," smiled Diddy Kong earnestly, setting Yoshi on fire to mild applause.
"Ahhh," mumbled everyone appreciatively.
"Oh ho, well played!" chuckled Yoshi. "If I wasn't one fire I'd shake your hand!"
Everyone chuckled heartily.
"That's my nephew!" grinned Donkey Kong, giving Diddy a playful punch on the shoulder.
"Hey, can we play?" asked Kirby, bringing Mario with him over to the table.
"Go back to the psycho corner," said Fox bluntly.
Zelda lit a puppy on fire, Pit read an issue of Cosmopolitan, etc, etc.
"Can't you see the normal people are having fun, Mr. Kirby?" implored Peach.
The Primids and the Pokemon charged each other, and Mr. Game and Watch and Jigglypuff ran frantically through the battlefield before the fight started.
The fight started.
A Primid loaded his weapon, and fired directly past Mr. Game and Watch and Jigglypuff at a lone Wynaut.
"This island is ours!" bellowed the Primid.
Silently, Wynaut used a Counter move, reflecting the bullet back at the Primid at twice the speed.
The Primid fell over, dead.
"Jigglypuff, you and your friend need to get out of here!" called the Wynaut soldier, indicating the nearby hills.
Mr. Game and Watch nodded. "Come on Jigs!" he panted, ascending the hill.
Jigglypuff followed Mr. Game and Watch up the hill, and together the two watched the battle unfold, hearing cries of pain and triumphant jeers from Primid and Pokemon alike.
"Game and Watch, I'm scared of the grey guys," admitted Jigglypuff fearfully.
Mr. Game and Watch, not listening, pointed at the far end of the battlefield.
"What's going on over there?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.
The Wobbuffet general of the Pokemon army had broken into the Primid encampment while his Wynauts were attacking, and had returned carrying a Subspace bomb with his psychic powers.
"Men, stop fighting!" barked the Wobbuffet. "All eyes on me! I have infiltrated the enemy lair and stolen their secret weapon! "
"Sir, good job!" smiled the nearest Wynaut, taking down a pair of Primids.
"This war is ours!" declared Wobbuffet. "We have the upper hand, and our evolutionary family will resume control of Mirage Island!"
A squad of Primids mobbed Wobbuffet, overwhelming him with their sheer strength.
"Avenge me, soldiers!" cried Wobbuffet. He realised he had one last move to pull off. "Destiny Bond!"
As Wobbuffet died, the four Primids around him dropped to the ground, dead.
Enraged, the Wynauts continued the battle.
"Take that!" cried the Wynaut who had complimented Wobbuffet, using Mirror Coat on a Primid. The Primid's companion soon retaliated, stabbing Wynaut in the back of the head.
"Your leader is dead, and now your second-in-command joins him!" cried the Primid triumphantly.
The remaining Wynauts adopted their fallen leader's strategy, and began using Destiny Bond left and right to take out large numbers of Primids in suicide attacks.
"I am the last combatant!" cheered a lone Wynaut, finishing off the final Primid. "Let it be known that Mirage Island has repelled the forces of-"
The Wynaut weakly fell over, dead.
On the hill, Mr. Game and Watch gulped.
"I have no idea what that battle was about, where we are, or where the rest are," said Mr. Game and Watch timidly. "My only choice is to blame-" Mr. Game and Watch considered the possibilities. "-that stupid Italian bird. Yeah. Screw that guy!"
"I'm confused!" wailed Jigglypuff. "Did everyone else die? I thought we had some immortal people! Like that guy Ganondorf! Isn't he immortal?"
Mario and Kirby sat in the corner of Ike's castle, alone, looking over at everyone else having fun.
"I can't believe it, Mario," grunted Kirby. "Your freaking girlfriend just completely shunned you, and you're not even going to stand up to her?"
"I can't-a help it!" protested Mario. "Even-a if she insulted-a me, I still love her-a,"
"Mario, you need to stand up to her!" yelled Kirby. "Show that you're the dominant one! Don't take no for an answer! Now get over there, and focus on all the bad things about Peach!"
"You're-a right!" agreed Mario, jumping to his feet. "She's been my girlfriend-a for a long-a time, and not once has she ever-a done more than a damn kiss on the cheek-a!"
"Right on!" supported Kirby. "You deserve a second kiss on the cheek!"
"And one-a time, I broke her tennis-a racket, and she was-a mad at me, but I said-a sorry and she said she'd forgiven-a me, " continued Mario. "But then-a every time after that we got-a into an argument-a, she brought it up even though she forgave-a me!"
"Yeah!" agreed Kirby. "She lied to you about getting over it!"
"Kirby-a, this feels so good!" grinned Mario, breathing heavily.
"Now you take this Assist Trophy I hid from Yoshi's rampage, and you kill her!" cried Kirby.
"I SHALL-A!" screamed Mario exuberantly.
Mario took a step forward, when the doors flew open and once again, Bowser, Wario and Meta-Knight stood before the Smashers, all grinning evilly.
"Wario, left side!" ordered Bowser. "Meta-Knight, watch the others! Time for me to settle an age-old score!"
Wario gleefully chuckled, and marched over to Yoshi and Pikachu.
"Thought you could bogart the Princess from me forever, Mario?!" snarled Bowser, pointing right at Mario's face. "Think again! I love her more than anything you could ever comprehend!"
"Ew!" cried Peach.
Mario nervously stuttered, the Assist Trophy falling out of his hands and shattering.
"Oh my arboreal, overtly-happy tree god!" squealed Yoshi. "It's a huge...thing!"
"Oh my green-haired, nerdy, doctor god!" cried Pikachu. "It's that thing from...um..."
"Oh my misinterpreted beliefs from an otherwise respectable religion!" grunted Wario. "It's some huge type of..."
"It's Andross!" cried Fox, standing up on the Strip Truth-or-Dare Poker table. "But I thought you died! Cause of me! I'm so awesome!"
Without speaking, Andross flew through the window, and turned back to face all of the Smashers and villains. Andross then fired panels from his mouth at everyone.
"Pikachu, now's our chance!" cried Yoshi, grabbing Pikachu and sliding underneath the stream of panels.
"What? Get back here, you goddamn brats!" roared Wario, before being hit in the side of the head by a panel.
Bowser was in his element. The King of the Koopas raged through the panel storm, tossing Mario aside, stepping over Kirby, and lifting Pit up by the scruff of the neck.
"Angel kid!" snarled Bowser. "Your fleet of Mexicans! Order them here to assist me! Now!"
Pit stammered nervously. "But that was a one-time thing, sir! I can't get them back! All of the Smash Balls here have been destroyed!"
Bowser let out a cry of fury, "Well then I'm just going to have to destroy you then!"
Bowser was suddenly stopped in his tracks by a tornado, which blew him into the corner of a panel.
"Looks like the Gale Boomerang came in handy after all," remarked Link. "Pit, you okay?"
Pit weakly nodded.
"Good," replied Link. He nervously looked around at the fighting Smashers. "That Andross thing's leaving soon, he's firing a lot slower. Means that soon we'll have to take on the villains ourselves..."
Pit gulped, before Link let him go.
"Only I have the brains to rule Lylat!" bellowed Andross, disappearing in a flurry of smoke.
All eyes fell on Fox.
"That's your villain?" asked Samus. "That?!"
"Hey, he said it, not me," shrugged Fox. "Not my fault stupid lines occur in my games,"
The fourth wall collapsed into a fine powder.
Pokemon Trainer looked in horror at the fourth wall.
"My motivational kitty posters...gone...they're all gone!" cried Pokemon Trainer. "Squirtle! Ivysaur! Charizard! Bring the violence! It's significant!"
...
Pokemon Trainer turned his mp3 player up louder to hear the next point.
"To your life if you've ever known anyone!" finished Pokemon Trainer.
Looking ready to fight, Squirtle eagerly created a Waterfall, which plowed down the Smashers ahead of him.
"Prune fingers for all!" screamed Squirtle mockingly, climbing up the waterfall. From his high vantage point on the falls, Squirtle retreated into his shell and performed a Withdraw move.
"You call that a shell!" sneered Bowser scornfully. Bowser withdrew into his own shell and pursued the smaller turtle with a Whirling Fortress attack.
The fleeing Yoshi and Pikachu hopped over both shells, with Wario close behind brandishing a Super Scope.
Lazily, Ivysaur tottered over to Mario and Kirby, who Meta-Knight was flying towards.
"Ivything!" cried Kirby. "Save us!"
"Fine, rather have psychos than psychotics," reasoned Ivysaur, sending a flurry of seeds with Bullet Seed at Meta-Knight, covering Mario and Kirby.
"Wow, you're really ranged-a!" complimented Mario, deftly firing some fireballs at the struggling Meta-Knight.
"Check this range out! I even get STAB bonus from it!" chuckled Ivysaur, using Vine Whip to take out Wario, saving Yoshi and Pikachu on one side, and Meta-Knight on the other side.
Charizard decided to take to helping Fox, who was running alongside the two shells, trying to aim his Blaster into Bowser's open spaces.
"Foolish woodland creature, watch out!" called Charizard. Fox glanced up at the Pokemon, and instinctively rolled out of the way of Bowser's flaming breath.
Squirtle came to a halt next to Peach and Zelda, who were guarding Samus, who was firing missiles every direction into the battle.
"Charizard!" barked Pokemon Trainer, fuelled by adrenaline. "Use Flamethrower!"
Charizard stopped Bowser's punches by grabbing the beast's hands, and grappling Bowser in a strong hold, he spewed his own firey breath back at Bowser.
"Release me, dragon!" roared Bowser. "I only want the princess!"
"Oh, that's what you want?" smirked Charizard, relinquishing his hold.
Bowser smiled gleefully...
...before Charizard rammed his head into Bowser's stomach, procuring a boulder and using a – admittedly far more devastating than in the actual Pokemon games – Rock Smash attack.
The King of the Koopas fell to the ground, wincing.
"That's great, guys!" cheered Pokemon Trainer. "Supplement your shortcomings and take advantage of your strengths! Now go help the swordsmen!"
Link, Ike and Pit stood their ground against the oncoming Meta-Knight, who was flying towards them covered in seeds.
"Pit, you feel ready to fight yet?" asked Link kindly, while Ike swung his sword at random.
"I think-I think so..." replied Pit.
"Great!" smiled Link, rushing over to join Ike, while DK and Diddy ran past to meet Wario.
"You're mine now, angel!" growled Meta-Knight, soaring towards Pit with sword in hand.
Charizard flew behind Meta-Knight, and grabbed him in mid-air. Pit saw his chance, and flew upwards to shoot arrows at Meta-Knight.
"Nice, kid!" shouted Charizard, struggling with the flailing Meta-Knight.
Pit looked around at the other battlers below him: Fox, Squirtle, Link and Ike were attacking the fallen Bowser, who was getting up periodically only to be attacked again, Mario, Kirby and Ivysaur advanced on Wario from one side, while the Kongs, Yoshi and Pikachu coming from the other, and lastly Samus was covering the two princesses with missile fire while Pokemon Trainer gave orders to his three Pokemon; one of which had just saved him.
"Charizard, your trainer was right!" laughed Pit.
Charizard scoffed, "No, if he was right you'd be looking at Blastoise and Venusaur down there,"
"No, I mean trusting these people as friends!" smiled Pit. "Now Bowser and the other two can't stop us!"
"Yeah, whatever," replied Charizard, not listening.
Pit grinned, and looked over at Wario, who had overcome being swarmed by Smashers by procuring a Warp Pipe.
"What is that?" asked Pit, leaving Meta-Knight alone and swooping back down to the ground.
Wario grinned, and hopped down the Warp Pipe. Meta-Knight fell from mid-air, bleeding, into the Pipe second, and Bowser followed, taking advantage of his attackers' surprise.
"After them!" cried Kirby, hopping down the pipe.
Kirby flew out of the other end of the pipe, and looked around at his surroundings.
He seemed to be in some sort of dense black area, with gray brick walls alongside the edges. A lone cat prowled along the blank floor as Kirby looked on, confused.
Behind him, Mario and Peach emerged from the pipe.
"Mario, where's this place?" asked Kirby at once.
"No idea!" replied Mario. "I've never-a seen anywhere like it-a!"
"Mr. Mario, Mr. Kirby, I believe one of the villains is coming!" warned Peach, pointing a quivering finger at the other end of the room.
"How do you infidels like WarioWare?" sneered Wario.
Peach gasped, Kirby's eyes narrowed, and Mario asked, "This is your-a place?!"
"Of course it is!" laughed Wario mockingly, idly playing with the zipper of his jacket. "Where do you think I picked up these sweet threads?"
Kirby rolled his eyes.
"Where's-a Bowser?" asked Mario harshly.
"Yeah, and Meta-Knight!" added Kirby.
Wario snickered. "They've taken the time to escape, and I'm in charge of finishing off all of you! Where's the rest?"
"They'll be here, Mr. Wario!" stammered Peach.
"Even in the face of danger, you're still polite to him?" asked Kirby incredulously.
Peach nodded tersely.
"I guess I could just take down three of you while I wait for the others," decided Wario. "The legendary Mario and the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom die first...how satisfying...oh, and I couldn't forget about their little pink pet,"
"You're outnumbered!" Kirby cried foolishly.
"Yes, but the elements are on my side..." chuckled Wario, trailing off. Wario clapped his hands, and instantly, acid rain began pouring down from the ceiling.
Peach screamed, Kirby groaned with pain, and Mario shut his eyes instantly. Suddenly, he heard three more bangs: three more Smashers had joined them in fighting Wario.
Mario opened one eye cautiously, and saw Ike swinging his heavy sword like a mere toy at Wario, Yoshi throwing eggs at him, with Donkey Kong sending punches everywhere he could reach with one arm; the other arm shielding himself from the acid rain.
"Let's see how you like the second effect!" grunted Wario, clapping his hands once again. Immediately, the rain changed to a flurry of arrows. Ike, DK, and Yoshi all began to become sloppy in their attack patterns, Mario noticed: they were all trying too hard to both attack Wario and avoid the arrows.
"Kirby, take-a Peach and run!" yelled Mario over the cries of the others and the sounds of arrows cutting through the air.
The puffball nodded, and grabbed Peach's hand and climbed up a small set of stairs in the back corner of the room.
Mario pushed his hat down onto his head tighter to protect himself from arrows, and charged at Wario. Yoshi flew past him – Wario had just knocked him out.
"Enough-a, Wario!" roared Mario, punching Wario in the nose. The two men looked at each other, while Ike and Donkey Kong ran back to check on Yoshi.
"It's over, loser!" scoffed Wario. "The ball and the girl seem to have forgotten that Bowser and Meta-Knight are up there too! I've knocked out your green thing, and there are no other Smashers to save you!"
More Smashers stepped out of the pipe from Ike's castle.
"That's what you think,"
Well, for a fight scene, that sure was...fun to write...
Leave a review, and maybe, just maybe (okay, always), I'll reply to 'em! Unless you don't want me to. But you guys all want me to talk to you, right?
Well, no. No you don't, probably. Too bad, I'm going to anyway.