A/N: Hello, hope everyone's Thanksgiving was wonderful! Soooooo, New Moon was fantastic, I really couldn't be happier. Hope you all had fun at your various viewings, and YAY for only having to wait 7 months for Eclipse. In the meantime, enjoy my next installment, and thanks again for all the reviews. You guys make my smile so much! :)
Thanks again to shasta53 for proofing.
Time – EPOV
Why does Bella have to be the only person on the face of the planet who hates parties?
It was the end of the day and Alice, Bella, and I were walking toward the car. I'd been idly tracing patterns on the back of Bella's hand when I noticed the longing on Alice's face. I raised one eyebrow at her and she sighed.
A surprise party really would be so much more fun, but if we spring it on her without any warning, she's going to pretend to get food poisoning and end up hiding in your room all night. Oh, well. At least she's going to let me pick out her outfit.
Her expression softened slightly as I rolled my eyes.
Always more perceptive than I give her credit for, Bella looked up at me then, questions in her eyes. I smiled reassuringly at her before shooting a pointed glance at Alice. It was time to tell Bella what she was planning. The last thing I wanted was Bella thinking something was wrong. She always grew paranoid when she knew things were being said that she couldn't hear.
All right, I'll ask her now, Alice thought, skipping to Bella's side. So impatient for someone with endless time on their hands...
I'd decided it would be best for Alice to broach the subject of the party herself. After all, it was nearly impossible to say no to Alice's wild plans when she told you that you'd already agreed to them.
"I have foreseen..." she said mysteriously, and Bella's breath caught. I threw my elbow at Alice. So much for making Bella feel better.
"Fine," she said. "Edward is making me do this. But I did foresee that you would be more difficult if I surprised you."
"In English?" Bella asked warily.
"Don't be a baby about this. No tantrums."
"Now I'm scared."
"So you're – I mean we're – having a graduation party. It's no big thing. Nothing to freak out over. But I saw that you would freak out if I tried to make it a surprise party." I mean really, talk about taking things for granted. I wish someone could surprise me with a party, but unless someone spontaneously decides...
I reached out to Alice playfully, breaking her from her rant. I actually wished there was a way to surprise Alice. It would be entertaining to see the look on her face when she realized someone was finally one step ahead of her.
"And Edward said I had to tell you," she continued. "But it's nothing. Promise."
Bella looked utterly defeated. "Is there any point in arguing?"
"None at all," Alice answered angelically.
"Okay, Alice. I'll be there. And I'll hate every minute of it. Promise."
Although I knew she was being purposely difficult, I couldn't help but wonder if the party was a mistake. Was I once again pushing her into something she had no interest in, simply because I thought it was an important experience?
"That's the spirit!" Alice said enthusiastically. I would have almost believed it if it weren't for the fact that she was simultaneously thinking, so stubborn. "By the way, I love my gift. You shouldn't have."
"Alice, I didn't!"
"Oh, I know that. But you will."
Bella's eyes widened in panic and I shot another glare at Alice.
What? I just thought she'd like to know how much I'm looking forward to the concert. You know, so she doesn't have to worry about whether or not I'll like it.
"Amazing," I sighed. "How can someone so tiny be so annoying?"
"It's a talent."
"Couldn't you have waited a few weeks to tell me about this?" Bella asked, obviously irritated. "Now I'll just be stressed that much longer."
She has no idea how close it is, Alice thought unconsciously, her mind slipping for one brief second to a vision of Bella's transformation before looking at me apologetically. She was so eager to welcome Bella officially into our family, and it always seemed like Bella was just as eager, so we were both shocked that she hadn't literally been counting down the days.
"Bella," she asked cautiously. "Do you know what day it is?"
"Monday?"
Alice rolled her eyes with a sigh. "Yes. It is Monday... the fourth," she said, whirling her around so she was staring at one of the many posters announcing the graduation date. Bella looked like she was seeing it for the first time, but for weeks now, the posters had been taunting me. Every day, they reminded me with silent finality that Bella's heartbeats were numbered.
"It's the fourth? Of June? Are you sure?" she asked, panicked.
She's afraid, Edward. But she isn't changing her mind.
Alice answered the question before I'd even finished thinking it. Of course I knew Bella's mind was made up, but the look of terror on her face was enough to make me momentarily question her resolve. Now I felt my own eyes widen in surprise.
"It can't be!" she gasped. "How did that happen?"
Get her walking again. She's upset, and you should get her somewhere you two can actually talk. She might slip and say something she shouldn't if we stay here.
I carefully took Bella's elbow and motioned her toward the parking lot. We walked quickly and I counted every one of her breaths, which were coming in short, shallow gasps. When we were inside the car, I noticed that the fear on Bella's face had been replaced by a strangely vacant stare.
Eventually, as Alice started babbling about party details, Bella's expression twisted back into one of confusion and concern. She looked like she was trying to figure out the answer to a difficult math equation, and I figured whatever panic she'd felt at her impending graduation had turned back into worry over the social event she was being forced into.
She was silent, even after we'd dropped Alice off at home. Her eyes were glazed over and she looked exhausted. We pulled up to her house and I watched her carefully as we exited the car. She looked like she was counting her steps, concentrating on each one. Once we were inside, I guided her to the couch and sat her down beside me. She stared absently out the window as I stroked the back of her hand, wondering where her thoughts had taken her. Was she really that upset about the party?
Maybe she was worried because she'd misunderstood the reason we were having it. Perhaps she thought I was trying to strengthen the bond she shared with her friends, to give her a reason to delay her transformation. In truth, I was doing the opposite. As much as it pained me to admit it, this party signified the end. I was giving her a chance to say her goodbyes.
Several times, it looked like she was about to say something, but she always stopped herself, looking past me rather than meeting my gaze. When I was sure I couldn't take it anymore, I let out a deep sigh.
"Would you please tell me what you are thinking?" I pleaded. "Before I go mad?"
Once again, she opened her mouth in what appeared to be an attempt at speech, but just as quickly, she shut it again. Her eyes were almost apologetic, and I wondered if she was about to back out of the party altogether.
"Your lips are white. Talk, Bella."
She let out a long breath, and when she spoke, her voice was shaking.
"The date took me off guard. That's all."
I waited, feeling the sudden weight of words she didn't want to say out loud.
"I'm not sure what to do... what to tell Charlie... what to say... how to... " Though she was struggling with what she was trying to say, I understood.
"This isn't about the party?"
"No. But thanks for reminding me."
She watched me with a look I wasn't used to seeing – she was afraid. It was nothing like the fear I used to assume I would see when she realized what I was or what I was capable of. She'd never been afraid of me the way she should have. Yet now here she was, true fear behind her eyes, and the reason for that fear was because she was about to get what she'd sworn she wanted more than anything.
"You're not ready," I said softly, trying with all my might to assure her that was okay.
"I am," she said unconvincingly, her voice still trembling. She wanted to appear brave, and it pained me to see her try so hard. "I have to be," she continued firmly.
"You don't have to be anything," I promised her.
Her eyes turned glassy as she whispered, "Victoria, Jane, Caius, whoever was in my room..."
All the people who were trying to harm her, all the dangers I'd brought upon her...
"All the more reason to wait," I said, almost to myself. I would not allow her to end her life because she thought it was the only way she would be safe. I'd hunt them all down myself before I let her be frightened into this decision. This is her life we were talking about, her humanity, her soul, and if she was having even the slightest of doubts, then promise or no promise, all bets were off. We would waiting until she's ready.
"That doesn't make any sense, Edward!"
I held her face in my hands, so fragile, so warm and perfect. I hated that she was afraid. I hated that she didn't trust I could protect her. I hated that she felt she had no way out, no choice but immortality.
"Bella. Not one of us had a choice. You've seen what it's done... to Rosalie especially. We've all struggled, trying to reconcile ourselves with something we had no control over. I won't let it be that way for you. You will have a choice."
I'd started to come to terms with Bella's decision because I was so sure it was what she truly wanted. But the terror in her eyes could not be ignored. There was at least some measure of doubt behind her determination, and until I saw that absolute certainty once again, I would not allow the change to happen.
"I've already made my choice," Bella said, her voice only slightly more calm.
"You aren't going through with this because a sword is hanging over your head. We will take care of the problems, and I will take care of you. When we're through it, and there is nothing forcing your hand, then you can decide to join me, if you still want to. But not because you're afraid. You won't be forced into this." My eyes were locked with hers and I hoped she felt the absolute certainty there.
"Carlisle promised," she said stubbornly, though her words didn't have the same air of finality as they usually did. "After graduation."
"Not until you're ready," I repeated. "And definitely not while you feel threatened."
The look on her face was frustration mixed with defeat, and I knew the conversation was over. At least for the moment.
"There," I said, pressing my lips to her forehead. She relaxed only slightly beneath my touch. "Nothing to worry about."
"Nothing but impending doom," she halfheartedly teased.
"Trust me."
"I do."
She'd always trusted me to keep her out of harm's way, even when it seemed nearly impossible to do so, yet I heard the way her heart was racing. Even with my speed and strength, nothing was certain. It made me ache that I would never be able to completely take her fear away. Not without making her indestructible, that is.
"Can I ask you something?" she finally said after a very weighted silence.
"Anything."
She paused for a moment as if what she was about to ask was difficult, so I was surprised when she asked, "What am I getting Alice for graduation?"
I laughed at the fact that no matter what catastrophe was currently upon us, she could always find something trivial to worry about.
"It looked like you were getting us both concert tickets – "
"That's right! The concert in Tacoma. I saw an ad in the paper last week, and I thought it would be something you'd like, since you said it was a good CD."
"It's a great idea. Thank you."
"I hope it's not sold out."
"It's the thought that counts. I ought to know." And seeing as Alice had already picked out what she was going to wear to the show, I assumed Bella would be able to get tickets. Knowing I would rather spend the evening with Bella, I'd already hinted to Jasper that I would bequeath mine to him, and he and Alice could have an evening out together.
Bella let out a long breath, and when I noticed she wasn't looking me in the eye, I realized her question about the gift had merely been buying her time. What was she afraid to ask?
"There's something else you meant to ask," I prompted her.
"You're good."
"I have lots of practice reading your face. Ask me."
She scooted closer to me and ducked her head down, pressing her cheek to my chest. I could feel her heart pounding as she built up the courage to ask whatever it was that was troubling her. As they always did when I was wishing I could just read her mind, the seconds felt like they were dragging on.
When she finally spoke, her voice was trembling, and there was a sadness behind it that I seldom heard. "You don't want me to be a vampire."
"No, I don't," I said simply. To wish for such a thing, even when it seemed to be the only way to ensure our forever, would be unthinkable.
I expected her to complain or argue with me, but instead she sat quietly, looking almost embarrassed, though I couldn't understand why.
"That's not a question," I finally said, when I couldn't take the silence any longer.
"Well..." she started, her cheeks blazing hot, "I was worrying about... why you feel that way."
"Worrying?" Why would my desire to preserve her humanity cause her to worry? Although I knew she wanted us to be the same, I thought she understood my reasons. I thought I'd made it clear a thousand times over how precious her life, her heart, her soul, everything about her was to me. I'd be a murderer and a thief, worse than the monster I already knew myself to be, if I were to take everything from her purely for my own selfish desires.
"Would you tell me why?" she asked, her voice unsteady and genuinely concerned. "The whole truth, not sparing my feelings?"
I was baffled. Why would I hide any of my reasons, and how could any of them hurt her? They could only prove my love for her more completely.
"If I answer your question, will you then explain your question?"
She nodded, though she still wouldn't look into my eyes. I took a deep breath before starting, worried now that I would somehow offend her without meaning to. I couldn't stand knowing how much this was hurting her, when all I ever wanted was to protect her, preserve her perfection.
"You could do so much better, Bella," I started, but the words didn't sound like enough. It was the most absurd understatement I'd ever uttered. "I know that you believe I have a soul, but I'm not entirely convinced on that point, and to risk yours..." I couldn't continue, couldn't make myself speak of the travesty that seemed so imminent. She'd made her choice, there was no way to deny her, but saying it out loud would give it more finality than I could handle.
I shook my head, turning the focus back to myself. It was what she wanted to know – why I didn't want this for her, even when it would solve so many of the obstacles we faced by being together.
"For me to allow this – to let you become what I am just so that I'll never have to lose you – is the most selfish act I can imagine. I want it more than anything, for myself. But for you, I want so much more. Giving in – it feels criminal. It's the most selfish thing I'll ever do, even if I live forever. If there were any way for me to become human for you – no matter what the price was, I would pay it."
I hadn't known what brought on her question, or why she was worried about my answer, so I had no way of knowing how she would react to my answer. It was more honest than I'd allowed myself to be with her – more honest even than I was with myself most of the time – and admitting that changing her was what my heart truly desired tore me apart. Could she forgive me for my selfish desires if she understood the only reason I wanted it was because I couldn't live without her? I looked down at her, terrified of what I would see on her face now that she knew, and was startled to find she was smiling.
"So... it's not that you're afraid you won't... like me as much when I'm different – when I'm not soft and warm and I don't smell the same? You really do want to keep me, no matter how I turn out?"
"You were worried I wouldn't like you?" I gasped, disbelieving even as I repeated her words. A part of me was furious at myself, because if she could think such a thing then I must not be doing enough to assure her of my love. It had never crossed my mind that she took my refusal to change her to mean I was questioning that I wanted her by my side forever. Then as quickly as my self-loathing had set in, it passed, and I found myself laughing. Whether at the ridiculousness of her assumption or out of sheer relief I wasn't sure.
"Bella, for a fairly intuitive person, you can be so obtuse!"
She stared at me, uncomprehending for a moment. Then slowly, a smile tugged at her lips. I still didn't understand how she could have been so worried, when I'd told her time and again that I couldn't live without her. Certainly my trip to Volterra last year should have been proof enough of that.
"I don't think you realize how much easier it will be for me, Bella, when I don't have to concentrate all the time on not killing you." I used to shy away from saying the word out loud, but for some reason it seemed important to say it now. After thinking I'd lost her forever, controlling the blood lust had become significantly easier. The instinct to keep her safe had long ago triumphed over the instinct to satiate my own desires, but that didn't mean it wasn't still painful. Now that I knew Bella was concerned I wouldn't like her when she was changed, I wanted to remind her that taking away the temptation of her blood would grant me a release from the agony I thought I would always have to endure.
Still, for every happiness, there is a sacrifice.
"Certainly, there are things I'll miss," I said sadly, brushing my fingers across her cheek as I tried to memorize the exact feel of her soft, warm skin. "This for one..."
She blushed under my touch and I laughed in spite of myself, as I thought about a time when her reactions wouldn't be so obvious to me. Would I still be able to read her when I no longer had her racing heart and blushing cheeks telling me how she felt? I hoped I would, though the thought of finding new ways to understand and know her excited me as well.
"And the sound of your heart," I said, focusing in on it, luxuriating in its melody. I'd spent so long listening, counting the beats, I could hardly fathom a world without it. "It's the most significant sound in my world. I'm so attuned to it now, I swear I could pick it out from miles away. But neither of these things matter. This," I said, cradling her face. My one love. My reason for everything. "You. That's what I'm keeping. You'll always be my Bella, you'll just be a little more durable."
She closed her eyes, peaceful and serene as I traced my fingertips across her skin. Soon, I would never have to worry about losing her again. She would be mine, forever.
Except...
She'd asked her question, and I had one of my own. I was both anxious and nervous to bring up the subject again, but as graduation grew nearer everyday, I knew my time was running out.
"Now will you answer a question for me? The whole truth, not sparing my feelings?" I asked, using the words she'd chosen. She'd been upfront about her concerns, and my total and absolute honesty in answering her had put her mind at ease. I hoped that my own concerns were just as unfounded, and that she could offer me an answer that would grant me the same relief.
"Of course," she said quickly.
Now that the moment was upon me, I instantly wanted to take it back. I wasn't sure if I was ready for her answer. I took a deep breathe and uttered the words that had been eating away at me since she had refused my proposal.
"You don't want to be my wife." It was amazing how much it hurt to say it aloud.
She gasped and I heard her heart jump, skipping a beat while she regained her composure. After a moment, she said, "That's not a question," throwing my own words from earlier back to me. I slowly laced my fingers with hers, continuing in the same manner.
"I was worrying about why you felt that way," I repeated.
"That's not a question, either," she said, stalling. We could keep dancing around what we both knew I was asking, but every second she evaded me, my silent heart seemed to break further. She said she wanted forever, yet I couldn't stop the little voice in the back of my mind from repeating, she doesn't want to be your wife...
"Please, Bella?" I begged.
"The truth?" she said, barely whispering.
"Of course. I can take it, whatever it is." I prepared myself for the worst. If she told me right then that all she really wanted was to be a vampire – to be safe, to be immortal, without worry, never afraid – I knew I would grant it to her. Whether she wanted me forever or not, I desired nothing more than for her to be happy.
"You're going to laugh at me," she said.
That was highly unlikely. It was hard to think of anything that could be amusing about my beloved explaining why she was willing to give up her soul but wouldn't let me put a ring on her finger.
"Laugh? I cannot imagine that," I said dryly.
"You'll see," she said, pausing before blushing wildly once again. Then, although I hadn't said another word, her expression twisted and contorted until she finally shouted, "Okay, fine! I'm sure this will sound like some big joke to you, but really! It's just so...so... so embarrassing!" She sounded almost guilty as she averted her gaze once more, which didn't ease my mind any.
"I'm not following you," I hedged.
She leaned back until her eyes were locked with mine, and I was utterly dumbfounded by her expression. She looked furious, and I suddenly wondered if everything was somehow even worse than I'd imagined. I'd barely been able to handle the knowledge that she didn't want to marry me, but now I was left wondering if she was actually offended by the idea. I was shocked and hurt, and wishing more than anything that we could go back to her simply saying, "no."
"I'm not that girl, Edward," she snapped, her tone more biting than I'd ever heard. "The one who gets married right out of high school like some small-town hick who got knocked up by her boyfriend! Do you know what people would think? Do you realize what century this is? People don't just get married at eighteen! Not smart people, not responsible, mature people! I wasn't going to be that girl! That's not who I am..."
I waited for her to say she didn't want to be my wife, waited for the part about not wanting to promise her forever to a selfish monster like me. But it never came.
There might have been more to her frantic explanation, or maybe I just didn't hear it. All I could think about at that moment was the fact that the reason Bella had said no had nothing to do with me. It didn't really even have anything to do with her. She was worried about what people would think, and if she stopped to consider the fact that those people she was concerned about weren't going to have any place in her new life, maybe she'd find that there was nothing stopping her from saying yes.
I realized a moment later she was staring at me, obviously awaiting my reaction to her confession.
"That's all?" I asked blankly, probably sounding like a complete fool.
"Isn't that enough?"
"It's not that you were... more eager for immortality itself than for just me?"
"Edward!" she said, laughing and sputtering as I listened in disbelief. "And here... I always... thought that... you were... so much... smarter than me!"
I pulled her into my arms and laughed along with her as the weight of the world seemed to lift from my shoulders. Apparently we were both total fools, worrying needlessly when all we really needed to do was listen to and trust in each other.
"Edward," she breathed, nuzzling closer to me as I basked in her radiating warmth and love. "There's no point to forever without you. I wouldn't want one day without you."
"Well, that's a relief," I sighed.
"Still..." she said, a hint of g uilt creeping back into her voice, "it doesn't change anything."
"It's nice to understand, though. And I do understand your perspective, Bella, truly I do. But I'd like it very much if you'd try to consider mine."
She nodded cautiously. I wanted so much for her to see things through my eyes, just for this one moment. She said she wanted eternity with me, but there was one problem. She had no real concept of what eternity felt like.
I did.
I'd had nearly a hundred years to ponder what forever truly felt like, and most of those years I'd spent assuming I would always be alone. She couldn't possibly comprehend how completely she'd changed my existence, because she was still mortal. Time meant something entirely different to her. I knew I wanted her forever, because I knew how forever had felt without her. The idea of eternity seemed unbearable before Bella, yet because of her, it now felt like a gift.
I wanted her to understand, but we were from such different worlds – different times. In her world, the idea of getting married at eighteen was absurd. Where I'd grown up, in my time, it was to be expected.
"You see, Bella, I was always that boy. In my world, I was already a man. I wasn't looking for love – no, I was far too eager to be a soldier for that; I thought of nothing but the idealized glory of the war that they were selling prospective draftees then – but if I had found..." I paused, unable to simply say someone because I knew that whether a hundred years ago or a hundred years in my future, I was only ever meant to find Bella. She was the only one who could make my existence worthwhile.
"I was going to say if I had found someone, but that won't do. If I had found you, there isn't a doubt in my mind how I would have proceeded. I was that boy, who would have – as soon as I discovered that you were what I was looking for – gotten down on one knee and endeavored to secure your hand. I would have wanted you for eternity, even when the word didn't have quite the same connotations."
Her eyes were wide with astonishment and possibly a touch of nervousness, but I wasn't the slightest bit sorry. She needed to understand where I was coming from, why in my mind, there was absolutely no reason not to marry her. I knew down to the very soul she was sure I still possessed that she was all I would ever need.
"Breathe, Bella," I said gently when I realized she hadn't moved. She took one slow, forced breath.
"Can you see my side, Bella, even a little bit?" I asked. Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but for one brief second I could swear I saw a flicker of excitement in her eyes.
"The thing is, Edward, in my mind, marriage and eternity are not mutually exclusive or inclusive concepts. And since we're living in my world for the moment," she argued with a smirk, "maybe we should go with the times, if you know what I mean."
So stubborn. The whole reason we were having this discussion in the first place was because she was adamantly determined to leave her world and join mine. All things considered, it really wasn't fair for her to bring human logic and standards into it at all.
"But on the other hand, you will soon be leaving time behind you altogether. So why should the transitory customs of one local culture affect the decision so much?"
"When in Rome?" she pressed, but I think even she knew it was a moot point. I laughed at her indignant expression, momentarily content that we were at least getting our feelings on the matter out in the open. I wasn't expecting her to change her mind that instant. In fact, I would have been a little disappointed if she had. After all, I still hadn't proposed to her properly, and since this was something I was only going to do once, I didn't want to miss the opportunity.
"You don't have to say yes or no today, Bella. It's good to understand both sides, though, don't you think?"
"So your condition...?"
"Is still in effect." I tried not to think about how formal it all felt. Terms and conditions – it was starting to sound more like a business arrangement than two people in love discussing their future together.
"I do see your point, Bella," I assured her, "but if you want me to change you myself..."
Would you first do me the honor of becoming my wife? Be mine, as I am yours, forever?
How simple it would have been to open the floodgate and let the words pour out. But Bella was already humming the wedding march, and it was impossible to ignore the fact that there was no joy in her tone. She wasn't ready, and I couldn't handle being turned down again.
So I would wait. For as long as she needed me to. Fortunately, I had plenty to distract me. During the brief times I was at home, Alice was babbling a constant stream of party details, and when she wasn't saying them out loud, she was thinking them. I'd stopped responding to her, because it was simply too difficult to keep track of what she was and wasn't saying out loud. I wasn't even sure she knew anymore.
"The flowers will be here tomorrow, and they'll be perfect except for one small bouquet that will be slightly wilted, I'll have to take care of that immediately." How hard is it to deliver fresh flowers, anyway? "And I've seen what you're planning on wearing, Edward. It's simply dreadful. Have I taught you nothing in our decades together?" Did you start taking fashion advice from Bella, because really, that's being rather counterproductive. "I don't know why I even bother anymore." She's not a lost cause, though. She's going to have much better fashion sense after...
Alice finally stopped, mid sentence or mid thought, when she noticed I was glaring at her.
"What?" she asked innocently. "I didn't think we were still tiptoeing around the subject, seeing as graduation is in a few days."
She smiled angelically and flitted out the front door, probably on her way to pick up even more unnecessary decorations. She knew as well as I did that while the tentative date for Bella's transformation was set, everything depended on Bella's final decision regarding my condition – a decision which Alice still swore to me she hadn't officially made yet.
Every time I tried to decipher anything Alice might have seen, anything that would tell me whether another more formal proposal would grant me the answer I desired, she found a new and increasingly more irritating way of blocking me. She was hiding something, and was being even more diligent about it than usual.
Bella certainly wasn't giving me any insight. Our conversation about our differing views on marriage had felt so open and honest, I had fully expected to hear something about it in her dreams, and for our discussion to continue on into the following morning. Instead, she'd slept silently that night, and when I'd returned from my morning run home, I found her absently pushing around her cereal and starting with glassy eyes at the newspaper. I watched her for a few moments, trying to read her expression. There was definite concern in her eyes as she scanned the print on the page, and I knocked softly, hoping to grant her relief from whatever tragedy she was reading about.
"Bella?" I said when she didn't lift her gaze from the page.
She jumped, her eyes frantic and panicked, as she turned to look at me. I was instantly remorseful at having made her obvious anxiety worse, and I hurried over to hold her hand in mine.
"Did I startle you? I'm sorry. I did knock..."
"No, no," she said, her voice shaky as she eyes wandered back to the paper. "Have you seen this?"
Seattle Terrorized By Slayings
"I hadn't seen today's news yet. But I knew it was getting worse. We're going to have to do something... quickly."
Honestly, my family and I had thought all this would be over by now, either by us intervening and convincing whoever was at fault that it was in their best interest to move on, or by the Volturi putting an end to it on their terms. Though Carlisle was still determined there was something we could do, my family hadn't made another trip to Seattle since their first unproductive visit. While they'd had no intention of beginning a fight, they had hoped to at least gain some insight as to what they were up against, yet somehow, whoever was responsible was remarkably good at evading us. It made absolutely no sense if he or she was a newborn. They shouldn't have any real skills – simply an uncontrollable need to feed.
"What does Alice say?" Bella asked, eyes still glued to the headline.
"That's the problem. She can't see anything... though we've made up our minds half a dozen times to check it out. She's starting to lose confidence. She feels like she's missing too much these days, that something's wrong. That maybe her vision in slipping away."
"Can that happen?" she gasped.
"Who knows? No one's ever done a study... but I really doubt it. These things tend to intensify over time. Look at Aro and Jane." Even my own talent, aside from my one baffling exception, seemed to have increased over the years – if not in actual skill, then certainly in my ability to control it. Those first few years were miserable, before I learned to at least somewhat block out the noise.
"Then what's wrong?"
"Self-fulfilling prophecy, I think. We keep waiting for Alice to see something so we can go... and she doesn't see anything because we won't really go until she does. So she can't see us there. Maybe we'll have to do it blind."
"No," she said firmly.
I could see the terror in her eyes, and though I wished we could wait for Alice to see something helpful, our time was running out. We would most likely be taking action whether Alice could get past whatever was blocking her vision or not. If we were dealing with newborns – and despite everything, it still seemed the most likely option – then there was one person who would understand what we were getting ourselves into better than anyone else.
I hated that I would have to bring up the past that he was so determined to forget, but at this point, Jasper was our biggest advantage.
"Did you have a strong desire to attend class today? We're only a couple of days from finals; they won't be giving us anything new."
"I think I can live without school for a day. What are we doing?"
"I want to talk to Jasper."
Bella nodded hesitantly, and I could tell she was curious what roll Jasper would play in the situation, though I doubted she would ask it out loud. We drove in somewhat uncomfortable silence to my house, both of us lost in our own concerns. When we arrived, my family was waiting, watching the TV and hoping they would hear something that would give us a clue.
Why can't I see anything? Is there something else besides the wolves I can't see? What if I don't see the Volturi coming? What if they're already on their way?
Alice was sitting on the stairs with an agonized expression on her face. I wished I could say something to make her feel better, but she was thinking the exact thing I was. We all depended so greatly on her abilities, and if she was missing things, it could mean disaster for us.
"Hey, Edward," Emmett said, joining the others. He was smiling, the only one in the room whose mind wasn't consumed with worry. "Ditching, Bella?" he asked lightly.
"We both are," I told him.
"Yes," he laughed, "but it's her first time through high school. She might miss something."
I sighed, simultaneously irritated and thankful that at least one of us was able to keep a positive attitude in the midst of such uncertainty. I looked to Carlisle, giving him the newspaper, and it didn't escape my notice that he wouldn't look me in the eye. He was so used to being the one with the cool head, the one person in my family who never let the rest of us panic. Yet even he was fearing the worst.
"Did you see that they're considering a serial killer now?" I asked.
"They've had two specialists debating that possibility on CNN all morning."
"We can't let this go on."
He glanced at Bella for a split second. I know. But unless Alice finds a way past whatever is blocking her vision, we don't know who they are, or how many there are. It could turn into a fight so easily, and if they are newborns, they won't care who's watching or what is revealed. Then, when the Volturi come, they'll charge us with breaking the rules as well.
"Let's go now. I'm dead bored," Emmett interrupted. Rosalie hissed from upstairs. "Such a pessimist," he mumbled.
Not our fight... don't see why we're even bothering. Let the Volturi pay us a visit for all I care.
Finding it harder than usual to ignore Rose, I forced my attention to Emmett.. "We'll have to go sometime."
Suddenly Rosalie was on the top step, looking down at me serenely.
Well, if we want this over quickly, we could always take Bella with us. She seems to appeal to everyone so much, I'm sure she would lure the newborns right to us.
I very nearly lunged at her, and it took every ounce of strength within me to keep my expression blank. I could tell she was only half joking, and that didn't help matters any.
"I'm concerned," Carlisle said, drawing my focus away from Rose. "We've never involved ourselves in this kind of thing before. It's not our business. We aren't the Volturi."
"I don't want the Volturi to have to come here," I said firmly. "It gives us so much less reaction time."
Carlisle was trying, for my sake, not to think what the rest of my family already was. But even from him I heard, soon enough, Bella will be immortal and it won't matter if they come.
"And all those innocent humans in Seattle," Esme said, mostly to herself. "It's not right to let them die this way."
"I know," Carlisle said, taking her hand gently.
I still don't understand the motive, but it's the only thing that makes sense.... Jasper was staring at the floor, shaking his head slowly. All the deaths, no regard whatsoever... it's almost like they're practicing for something. And the body count keeps getting higher, like there are more of them every day. They're staying in one place... waiting for the rest, perhaps? We figured there were several, but an army...
"Oh," I gasped. "I didn't think of that. I see. You're right, that has to be it. Well, that changes everything." Jasper's head shot up. He met my gaze with wide eyes, and I could see he hadn't realized I'd been listening. He was too caught up in his revelation. I almost apologized to him, but at the same moment, I noticed that the rest of my family was more irritated at the exchange than he was.
Out loud, Bro? Seriously, come on, Emmett thought.
Honestly, how do you expect us to accomplish anything with you and Jasper talking in code, Rose added.
Alice was staring at me, hurt. Kind of getting a complex about my abilities, here. Would you mind not flaunting yours?
Even Carlisle was slightly perturbed. Now's not the time to be keeping things to yourself, Edward.
"I think you'd better explain to the others," I told Jasper. "What could be the purpose of this?" I muttered.
"What's he rambling about?" Alice asked Jasper. "What are you thinking?"
Jasper watched me, looking somewhat betrayed, and I mouthed, "sorry" to him. He didn't like being the center of attention, and he was looking at the expectant faces that surrounded him nervously. I was about to offer to explain for him, when he thought, No point in keeping it to myself any longer. Bella should really know the whole story first, though. After all, she's family now.
His expression softened as he turned to Bella, and I was glad she was too focused on him to notice the shock in mine. Jasper hated talking about his past. Did he really care enough about Bella that he wanted her to know his history?
"You're confused," he said gently, eyes fixed on Bella.
"We're all confused," Emmett muttered.
"You can afford the time to be patient. Bella should understand this, too. She's one of us now."
Let me know when we get to the part I don't already know.... Emmett rolled his eyes as Jasper turned back to Bella.
"How much do you know about me, Bella?"
"Not much," she whispered.
Does she know about the newborns, Edward? Does she know how many times I've killed?
"No. I'm sure you can understand why I haven't told her that story. But I suppose she needs to hear it now."
Can she handle this? he asked, and I gave him a small nod, hoping I was right.
Slowly, Jasper started to roll up his sleeve, and I watched Bella closely as he held his scarred wrist up to the light. It took her a moment, but when she recognized the mark, she gasped.
"Oh. Jasper, you have a scar exactly like mine," she said.
If it were only one... he thought as he revealed more of his mutilated skin.
"Jasper, what happened to you?" she asked as she took in the sheer number of scars. His story held more horror than I wanted her to know, but when I saw the determination on Jasper's face, I knew there was no going back.
Though he never spoke of the exact details, I knew how he'd gotten each and every one of his scars. He kept them hidden beneath clothes, but I knew Alice kissed them all every night, a silent promise that he would never have to feel that kind of pain again. I knew that no matter how many decades passed, Jasper would always be haunted by the violence of his former life, and that as sure as he could never forgive those who had hurt him, he believed nothing could atone for what he'd done.
I held my breath as he started his story, wondering exactly how much Bella would know when it was over.