DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I have never had that many review hit on the very first day of posting a chapter. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will see kind of off, and it probably will be. I have never done humor before and I am going to have a hard time with the adjustment. Thanks in advance for the support.

Chapter 2 – You Said What?

September first rolled around and Harry and Petunia made their way to Kings Cross Station. They found a trolley and between the two of them managed to get Harry's trunk onto it as well as carefully balancing the carrying cases for his pets. He grinned as he looked towards her, and she gave a grin right back.

"According to this paper," said Petunia looking down and reading it again. "It says that all you have to do is walk straight through the barrier between platforms nine and ten. From there it will get you onto the platform for the Hogwart's Express. Shall we give it a try and see what happens?"

"Will you come with me?" asked Harry in a worried voice. "I don't want to go alone and I don't know anyone."

"Of course I will come with you," said Petunia walking alongside him. "As for not knowing anyone, I am sure you will make loads of friends. You are easy to like and love. Just remember to be nice to people and they will be nice to you in return. I am going to miss all of the accidental magic that happens around the house to Vernon. It does make me laugh when you get even with him for attempting to sabotage you or harm you. It makes my job so much easier. Now I have to get Dudley to do chores and I am not looking forward to that fight. You always help me and I am grateful for that."

Together they entered the barrier and found themselves standing in front of the train. Both were amazed at the sight before them. Harry was excited to know that the magical world was indeed grand. They made their way to one of the carriages. Harry was wondering how he was going to get all of his belongings on the train when what appeared to be a fourth year student stepped out.

"Hi," he said. "My name is Cedric Diggory. Would you like some help with your trunk?"

"Yes please," said Harry. "My name is Harry Potter. Thank you for offering. This is my Aunt Petunia and we are slightly confused as to what to do."

"OK let's see," said Cedric. "You have three pets. How about we send your owl to the school? She will fly there and your Aunt can bring her cage back home. That will relieve you of one package."

Harry nodded and opened the owl cage. Cedric told the bird that she could meet them at Hogwarts. Hedwig nipped Harry affectionately on the ear and flew off. Smiling Petunia took the cage.

"You have a kitten and a snake," said Cedric. "How about letting your snake sleep around your neck and we shrink his cage? That will relieve you of another container. That will just leave your trunk and your kitten carrier."

"You are a very intelligent young man," said Petunia smiling. "Thank you so much for helping us. We were afraid that no one would be polite enough to help Harry or be his friend."

"It is my pleasure ma'am," said Cedric. "I remember when I was a first year. This was hard on me then. As far as friends, I have no doubt that once he meets some of the other first year students he will have more friends than he anticipated. Plus I will be here to watch out over him as well. I know of Harry Potter and I am not interested in his fame. I would like to get to know the person behind the scar."

Harry watched as Cedric pulled out his wand and shrunk the snake's tank. Harry put it in his shirt pocket for safe keeping. From there, the two boys got his trunk into a carriage and then Harry retrieved Spook from Petunia. Harry hugged his Aunt who smiled at him. He got up on the train and talked with her for a few moments through the window.

"Make sure that you write to me often," she said. "If you need anything at all I am just an owl away and I will do what I can to assist you. I will miss you Harry."

"I will keep an eye out on him for you ma'am," said Cedric. "He will be just fine. I promise that if he forgets to owl you that I will remind him."

Petunia smiled and then she walked out. She did not want Harry to see her crying. A few minutes later, Harry and Cedric noticed Hermione come through the barrier. She was looking around unsure as to what to do. Both Harry and Cedric got off the carriage and greeted her. After introductions were made, the boys helped her get her trunk to the carriage. As they were about to get it on the carriage, a blond haired boy rudely shoved her to the side.

"Get out of the way mudblood," snapped Draco. "I don't deal with you and your kind."

Harry glared at the boy. Cedric was offended for the girl. Hermione stood there with a bewildered look on her face.

"That is a rude thing to say," snapped Harry. "Do not insult my new friend. She has never done anything to you and she is not a mudblood."

"What does that even mean?" asked Hermione. "I am not familiar with the term. It is not in any of our course books."

"It is a foul name for someone who is muggle born," said Cedric. "That is Draco Malfoy. His family thinks they are better than everyone else because they are rich and pureblood. His whole family has always been in Slytherin. It is rumored that his father is a Death Eater. You know that if you look hard enough there is truth in a rumor somewhere."

"You mean his father is a follower of Voldemort?" asked Harry. "I thought they were all in prison."

"Yes," said Cedric. "They are the most evil of the wizarding world. I am surprised that you know who the Dark Lord is. Some of the Death Eaters were able to lie or bribe their way out of jail."

"Well Voldiewarts did kill my mum and dad," said Harry. "I am bound to know who he is and his followers. Aunt Petunia never kept anything from me. She said that they died a hero."

"Your parents were nothing but stupid," said Draco. "Now I am going to say it once more. Get out of my way mudblood before I make you."

Harry glared at Draco as he took a threatening step forward. His glare turned to shock as Draco slipped and fell into a big pile of mud.

"UGH!" yelled Draco. "What in the hell is this? It smells like shit."

"Draco, language," snapped Narcissa. "Which one of you did it? How dare you do that to my son? The Minister will hear of this and you will be in trouble for it. Now I demand that you clean him at once."

"I will clean him," said Harry helpfully pulling out his wand. "I read about this cool spell in our books. It is called the Aguamenti Charm."

Harry gave the wand movement and incantation. Due to the fact that he was a powerful wizard not to mention the raw magic behind it, a large stream of water blasted from his wand slamming into the two Malfoys flinging them clean across the platform and out of the barrier.

"Oops," said Harry. "I don't think that was supposed to happen. We better get on the train before they come back. They will not be happy when they come back."

Hermione was giggling as Harry and Cedric grabbed her trunk and got it into the carriage. Cedric was grinning at the memory. Soon all of the students were boarding the train. Draco and Narcissa still had not made it back through the barrier yet. Finally after about then minutes the train started to pull away. The door of their carriage opened and a round faced boy stood there.

"May I sit with you please?" he asked. "I am being bullied in some of the other carriages and I don't want to get hit again."

"You can sit with us," said Harry. "My name is Harry Potter. The young lady is Hermione Granger. Cedric is a fourth year Hufflepuff."

"I am Neville Longbottom," he replied. "Thank you all for being so nice. Cedric can you help me with one thing? My toad has gotten away from me and I need someone who knows how to cast a Summoning Charm to get him for me."

"I will do it," said Harry brightly. "Accio toad!"

It was not long before there was a huge problem. No less than one hundred toads ended up in the compartment with them. Cedric and Hermione completely lost it. Both were rolling around laughing at the scene. There were toads everywhere. Harry stood there with one on his head and one on his shoulder.

"I think you might not want to cast anymore spells until we start classes," said Hermione wiping tears from her eyes. "Your spells seem to be a bit overdone and that could cause problems if you keep on."

With the aid of the other three, Harry as able to get the toads, with the exception of Trevor, out of the compartment. A few disgruntled students came to claim their pets and left. Not long after, the door opened again and a soaking wet Draco Malfoy stood there with two thuggish looking boys with him.

"I am going to make you pay for that Potter," snapped Draco. "You better figure out a way to dry me or my father will have you expelled before you even get to Hogwarts. Plus, I think my friends, Crabbe and Goyle, should teach you a lesson in manners."

"Look Hermione," exclaimed Harry pointing at Crabbe and Goyle. "The zoo has arrived. We have students that look like two baboons."

"I think you are right Harry," she said giggling.

"Oh!" Harry exclaimed. "Please not again."

No sooner had the words come out of his mouth then there were two baboons standing in the doorway. One of them took a shit and the two started flinging feces at each other. Draco had raised his arms in anger when he was hit in the face by a pile of the shit. Soon the two baboons were running up and down the train screaming and having a grand old time creating havoc wherever they went. All Harry could do, was to sit there with a gob smacked expression on his face. Even Draco did not have words to describe what he was seeing and thinking. Hermione, Neville, and Cedric were rolling around with tears of mirth running down their faces.

"That has got to be some of the funniest bouts of accidental magic I have ever seen," wheezed Cedric holding his sides. "I have never witnessed something like this before. That is so funny. Good job Harry. We all needed a laugh."

"What is going on here?" asked a red head with glasses. "Where did those two monkeys come from?"

"Potter did it," snarled Draco. "He called them baboons and they changed into baboons. One of them threw shit in my face. When my father hears about this, Potter and his mudblood and squib friends will be expelled."

"Go sit in your carriage and shut up Malfoy," snapped Percy. "A first year could not have done that or a fourth year. You are lying and trying to get these students into trouble. Now go sit down before I have you put in detention for threatening another student."

Draco grumbled, but left to go and clean up as best as he could.

"How did he get so wet?" asked Percy. "My name is Percy Weasley by the way and I am a fifth year prefect."

"I am Harry Potter," said Harry. "She is Hermione Granger. He is Neville Longbottom, and I am sure that you know Cedric Diggory. As to why Malfoy is all wet, he fell in a pile of shit on the platform and when I tried to help clean him off; I sort of over did the incantation and blasted him and his mum with some water. I would have thought his mother would have at least dried him off. Apparently I was wrong."

Percy smiled at the quartet before he made his way to finish his rounds. He was anxious to write to his mother and inform her that Harry Potter had finally made it to Hogwarts. He knew that his mother had wanted to adopt Harry for years. However, that was blocked when Harry's blood relative said that under no circumstances was anyone taking Harry from her.

The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful. Harry and Cedric bought some treats for the group from the lunch trolley and then they settled to talking about the different houses.

"I don't think I will like Slytherin if I have to be in a house with Draco Malfoy," said Harry. "If the sorting hat places me there, then I will go, but I really don't like him. He is rude and arrogant. I mean I am a pureblood and I am rich, but I don't treat people the way he does. If Griphook and my Aunt are correct, I am one of the richest people in Wizarding Britain."

"You are," said Neville. "I am a pureblood also. My Gran taught me all about the pureblood families. The Potter family is very old and very rich. With a godfather like Sirius Black, you will be very set in prestige and status."

"When you turn fifteen you will be able to take your spot as Head of House of the Potter family," said Cedric. "The Malfoys like to throw around that they are the richest around, but they aren't. Narcissa Malfoy is related to Sirius Black and were it not for her dowry, then the Malfoys would not be no where near as rich as they are. Sirius Black doesn't have any children so therefore if something happens to him, whoever he names as his heir would be the new Lord or Lady Black."

"With your dad and Sirius being best friends in school," said Neville. "I have no doubt that as it stands Sirius probably named you as heir as you are his godson."

"That is so awesome," said Harry. "I know Aunt Petunia speaks highly of my mum and dad. She mentioned that Sirius was in jail for something."

"That is not something that you want to worry about for right now," said Cedric looking at his watch. "You have more important things to worry about. The first is learning to control your magic before you hurt someone. Now I suggest that you lot get your robes on. We will be arriving in about ten minutes."

With that they started to put on their school robes. The train stopped and they were instructed to leave their luggage on the train. Harry was nervous about leaving his kitten on the train, but Cedric assured him that she would be safe. They left the train and waited for further instructions.

"All first years over here," called Hagrid. "This way please. All first years come over here."

Harry and his two companions bid Cedric goodbye and walked over to Hagrid. All three were impressed by his height.

"Hello Harry," said Hagrid. "I have not seen you since you were a baby. The same is with you Neville. Why don't you three get into one of the boats? We will leave in a few minutes. I know that one of the Professors is here sorting out some trouble with some baboons on the train."

The trio got into the boat and was soon joined by a timid girl. Introductions were made and soon Susan Bones was a friend of the group. When all of the first years were aboard the boats, Hagrid started them off.

"It is not about how well you do," said Draco where Harry and Hermione could here. "It is about who you know. Professor Snape is my godfather and he favors Slytherin House above all others. Gryffindor and Hufflepuff don't stand a chance in his classes. They should just get rid of both of those houses."

Harry waved his hand in disgust and was shocked to see Draco thrown out of his boat and into the center of the lake. He broke the surface screaming like a baby and Hagrid had to rescue him. Hermione and Neville were laughing like crazy at the scene. Susan was sitting there in shock.

"You really have to teach us how you keep doing that Harry," said Hermione in a whisper. "This has been one of the funniest days I have had in a long time. You know how to make us laugh."

"I don't know how it is that I am doing that," said Harry. "It just happens. Though, I have to admit, that it is happening to the nicest of people."

Hermione and Neville burst out laughing again. Soon Susan joined in. When they got to the castle, Hagrid left them with Professor McGonagall. She looked furiously at Draco who was dripping water all over the floor.

"It is not my fault Professor," said Draco. "Potter is responsible for all of this. He threw me out of the boat I was sitting in for no reason."

"Mr. Potter may I please see your wand?" asked Minerva.

Harry handed it to her and watched as she checked to see what spells he had performed with it. The only spell that came out was the Aguamenti Charm that he has used on the platform. She handed the wand back to him.

"Were you sitting in the boat with Mr. Malfoy?" she asked.

"No ma'am," answered Harry politely. "I was sharing a boat with Hermione, Neville, and Susan. He was in a boat a little away from us. We did not touch him ma'am."

"Detention Mr. Malfoy for lying," she snapped. "As you are not in a house yet I can not deduct points, but I can give a detention for lying."

"I am not lying," he screeched. "Potter also turned Crabbe and Goyle into baboons. I swear that it was Potter."

"A week of detention," said Minerva. "Now kindly close your mouth or I will make it a month."

Draco shut up and waited as she dried him off and then escorted the students into the Great hall for their sorting. A few of the students were talking in low tones about the beauty they were witnessing.

"Let's make a promise," said Harry to the other three. "No matter what house we four get sorted into, that we stick together and remain friends."

The other three agreed quickly and they quieted down as Minerva started calling out names.

"Abbot, Hannah," she called.

The four of them waited as Hannah was sorted into Hufflepuff.

"Bones, Susan," called Minerva.

Harry, Hermione, and Neville all crossed their fingers and waited. The hat thought for a moment and placed her in Ravenclaw. More names were called and then it was Hermione's turn. It did not take long for the hat to put her in Ravenclaw with Susan. Harry and Neville clapped happily for the two girls. Soon Neville was called. The hat did not say anything for the longest time.

"For the moment," said the Hat. "I am not going to place Mr. Longbottom in any house. Please allow him to stay near me though. I have other business to attend before I make my decision."

"What are you talking about?" asked Dumbledore sharply. "Stop fooling around and sort Mr. Longbottom into one of the houses."

"Shut up Dumbledore," snapped the hat. "Do not proceed to tell me how to do my job. It is not like you do yours all that well. I, however, am doing mine correctly and I will not be threatened or bullied by you."

Albus sat in his chair stunned. He had just been dressed down by a hat of all things. He was so shocked by this that he did not speak. The hat continued with its work.

"Mr. Diggory," called the Hat. "Would you please join Mr. Longbottom on the dais?"

Looking confused, Cedric stood up from his seat and quietly joined Neville.

Minerva looked at the hat in confusion and then called the next name. Draco was called and he strutted to the hat and placed it on his head.

"Ah yes," said the hat in his head. "Another foul tempered Malfoy. You think that you are all that and a bag of chips as the muggle saying goes. Well, someone forgot to tell you boy that they forgot to bring the dip. I know just what to do with you. Better be GRYFFINDOR!"

Draco promptly passed out. Severus and Minerva rushed to his side and revived him. When they were sure that he was alright, Minerva waved her hand impatiently for him to join his classmates. Harry was called next and when he placed the hat upon his head, the hat took its time sorting him.

"I request that Mr. Potter wait with Mr. Longbottom and Mr. Diggory," said the Hat. "I will come back to these students in a few moments."

Minerva called down the list. Soon there were two names left on the list.

"Ronald Weasley," she called and watched as Ron walked up.

"Another Weasley," said the Hat out loud. "Doesn't this world have enough of them? Please take me off your head and go sit with your brothers. I don't know why that fool of a Head Master insists upon wasting my time. I think if I see one more Weasley that I will eat myself."

"That will be enough," snapped Dumbledore. "Just do your damn job and be done with it."

"Mr. Zabini, please come forward," said Minerva fighting to hide her laughter. "You are the last one to be sorted."

Blaise stepped forward and the hat had him stand next to the other three.

"What in the hell are you playing at Hat?" asked Dumbledore. "These students need to be sorted and I insist that you sort them this instant."

"Go to hell Dumbledore," snapped the hat. "Mr. Potter is an heir of all four founders. Therefore he is now a part of all four houses. Mr. Longbottom is an heir of Gryffindor and though he will be part of Gryffindor House, he will NOT room in the tower. Mr. Diggory, will no longer room in Hufflepuff House for the same reason. He is an heir of Helga and will be given special quarters. He will remain a Hufflepuff student. Mr. Zabini is an heir of Salazar Slytherin. The same rules apply to him as with the other three. The heir of Rowena has not come to Hogwarts yet. When he or she does, they will be given the same treatment as Mr. Potter and the other three heirs."

"What bullshit is this?" asked Severus. "You can not do that. Now I insist that you place them where they belong and stop all of this nonsense."

"He has my permission to do so," said a voice that no one could figure out. "What Hat says will be enforced or else. You Severus Snape will have some serious explaining to do about your actions should you continue on your path. The quarters of the five will be set up by Filius Flitwick and Minerva McGonagall in the Charms corridor. "I have already begun the work, but it will need to be finished. For now, Mr. Diggory, Mr. Longbottom, Mr. Zabini, and Mr. Potter may sit where ever they choose."

Harry, Neville, and Cedric sat with Hermione at the Ravenclaw table. Blaise not knowing what he should do joined them. Albus was more than a bit shocked and angry, but as he had no idea as to how to respond to the situation, he just allowed it to happen.

"I have a few start of term announcements that I would like to make," he said standing. "Your DADA professor is now Professor Quirrel. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason. Mr. Filch has told me for the one hundredth time that magic is forbidden in the corridors between classes and that the list comprising of four hundred and something items is posted on his office door. Also this year, the third floor corridor on the right hand side is off limits to all that do not wish to die a horrible death. With that being said I suggest that you all tuck in."

He raised his hands and the food appeared on the tables. The students all ate heartily. Once or twice, Albus or Severus tried to catch Harry's eye. When they did each would attempt to probe the boy's mind only to find out that it was blocked from their probing.

Albus attempted a harder probe on him. What he got was unexpected. As he pushed to get past the boy's mental shields, he suddenly had his head snapped back. When the stars left his head and eyesight, he looked around at Severus who gasped in shock. Albus was now porting a black eye. Pomona and Filius were also staring at Albus in shock. It was Minerva who found her voice first.

"Albus what happened?" she asked. "What did you try to do that caused this?"

"I have no idea," he lied smoothly. "I have done nothing."

"He tried to get into Lord Potter's mind using Legilimency," said the mysterious voice ratting him out. "He got more than he bargained for. This is his punishment for attempting to do something illegal."

"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE," yelled Minerva. "HOW DARE YOU TRY AND INVADE THE MIND OF A STUDENT?"

By now the entire hall was listening to the conversation. Albus was trying to say that he had nothing to do with it and that the voice was lying. Minerva slapped him across the face. When she was done, Poppy stood up and repeated the gesture. From there Pomona took a shot. Filius came up next with a lead pipe and belted him one. Leslie Neilson came up next and slapped the old man. From there a nun with a guitar came up and crashed the instrument over his head. After that a hooker came up and hit him with her purse. Hagrid walked up next cracking his knuckles. Severus was wearing an evil grin on his face as he took a swing with a baseball bat. Sybil Trelawney was waving her tennis racket. An old lady sprayed him in the face with pepper spray. Harry looked around in shock. There was a line of people waiting to take a crack at Dumbledore that made a circuit of the hall all the way to the door.

"Where did all of these people come from?" asked Harry looking around. "Isn't that a priest punching the Head Master in the stomach?"

"It is," said Hermione in awe. "It looks like the Pope is next."

AUTHOR'S NOTE – I hope you laugh as much reading this as my twisted mind made me laugh while I was writing it. As usual my story will be totally off the wall and out of control. The purpose is to make you laugh. If there is some drama and form of structure to it, call it a perk. The story is mainly meant to make you laugh. I have a box of tissues awaiting you all. Let me know what you think.