The twenty-third chapter of Rebuilding has arrived! Now I can't see you, but I'm gonna assume you just stood up and did a tiny dance in the story's honor.
No, really, do a tiny happy dance.
Now.
DO IT.
Good! But work on that last move. Ew.
Rebuilding
Chapter 23: Back to Basics
The "new" SSB were still travelling in the Halberd, now being piloted by both Meta-Knight and Fox. Or more accurately, Meta-Knight was piloting the ship, Fox was bringing him food.
"Would you like another Oreo, O glorious master?" asked Fox humbly, bowing at Meta-Knight.
"I'm still not going to let you fly my Halberd again," said Meta-Knight.
"I know that, of course!" protested Fox.
"Wow Fox, that's real maturity!" commended Link.
"Yeah..." nodded Fox. "So, I'm lying."
"Whoa!" cried Kirby from over at the window. "Check it out, the city down there just exploded!"
"Are there any survivors?" asked Yoshi. Everyone glared at him. "Yeah, okay, stupid question."
"I can't believe it-a..." gasped Mario. "All of those people down-a there, gone..."
"I know," agreed Samus. "It's so tragic, I just can't believe-"
"I found a hammer," said Peach, looking through the box the Ice Climbers had been discovered in.
"Hot damn!" grinned Zelda, and all of the SSB crowded around the box.
"Wow, it's a lot cooler looking than the one last tournament!" grinned Popo.
"Whatever, ours are still better," scoffed Nana.
"But this one's solid gold!" protested Popo. Nana gave him the finger.
"That is a very important looking pedestal," noted Peach. "Maybe this one has magical properties!"
Everyone was suddenly interrupted by Meta-Knight, the only Smasher still at the cockpit.
"Evasive action! Bowser's on our right!" cried Meta-Knight.
"Now, stay calm!" instructed Pokemon Trainer. "We just need to control ourselves-"
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" screamed Pit girlishly, jumping out of the window.
...
Everyone waited for a moment.
Pit flew back in through the window, landing with his arms folded.
"I didn't hear any crying," sulked Pit. "It's as if none of you care."
Zelda began to cry.
"Why, why is he still alive?!" sobbed Zelda hysterically.
"Very funny," sighed Pit.
Zelda stopped crying immediately, and broke a vodka bottle against the wall.
"You laughing at my misery, punk?" threatened Zelda, holding the broken vodka bottle to Pit's throat.
"No, no sir – ma'am!" panicked Pit.
"We forgot to call him gay," realised Pikachu.
"Angel thing, you're gay," said a familiar voice. Bowser hoisted himself up out of the Koopa Klown Kar, with Wario under his right arm.
"Bowser-a..." scowled Mario.
"I'm only going to ask you nicely – by my standards – one more time," said Bowser in a cruelly delicate voice. "What will you choose: surrendering Peach to me, or death?"
"Is there a third option where we don't die, but we just get a savage beating while still keeping Peach?" asked Fox.
"No," replied Bowser, bewildered.
"Damn, I like savage beatings," lamented Fox.
"Okay, Mr. Bowser, take me!" said Peach. "But I'm afraid this is a package deal!"
Peach whipped out the Golden Hammer.
"Boo!" hissed Pikachu. "Your dramatic line sucked!"
Peach ignored him, and proceeded to beat Bowser violently with the Golden Hammer.
"The dame's got moxie, right enough," smiled Diddy appreciatively.
"What?" asked DK, confused.
"I'm not even sures of that one, mac," admitted Diddy.
"I'll save you, merciful Lord Bowser!" cried Wario. He tried to pry the plucky Princess off of Bowser, but Peach rounded on him.
The hammer did nothing but squeak.
"I don't understand!" gasped Peach. She hit Bowser again, and the hammer worked.
She hit Wario again, and it squeaked.
"I am invincible!" chortled Wario. "Clearly, the gods have given me the health of a thousand men, and my faith is clearly the correct choice! Not like Arcadion or Jedi or Dr. Wrightism-what are you lookin' at?"
"Get off. Now," said Pikachu bluntly.
Wario pointed and laughed.
"Who's gonna make me get off, you?" scoffed Wario.
Pikachu shoved Wario out of the still-open window.
"Yeah, we really should have closed that," said Kirby, scratching his head sheepishly.
"Dammit, stop!" screamed Bowser, throwing Peach off of him. "Listen, we just saw the explosion down in that city! That obviously means you're trying to lose us by blowing up everything on the ground!"
"How is that obvious?" asked Link. "And how does it make any sense at all?"
"Because bombs kill people, stupid!" answered Bowser, blowing a raspberry. "Who knows what happened to whoever got blown up by that thing!"
A small group of Melee veterans knew exactly what happened to the bomb attack victims. Because it was them. Dramatic reverb!
A blank, white region of space. Was it space? Everything was vague and indescribable to the victims.
"What the..." Luigi was first to speak in the white haze.
"I definitely remember the bomb exploding," muttered Mr. Game and Watch.
"Are we dead or something?" asked Falco, patting his own arm to check for signs of life.
The Smashers began to panic immediately.
"I don't want to be dead!" squealed Jigglypuff. "I loved being alive! I had it all! Friends, family, a stable career, a steady girlfriend named Peach, I was the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom..."
"You're Jigs," reminded Ganondorf.
"I was the thirty-ninth Pokemon!" sobbed Jigglypuff. "I had it all!"
"Mario and Peach aren't steady are they?" panicked Luigi.
"Aw man!" groaned Ness. "Tomorrow was Saturday Shenanigans down at Pizza Hut, and I wanted to add my own toppings at an affordable price!"
"Saturday Shenanigans was this weekend?!" asked Captain Falcon. "I can't believe this!"
"We're not dead, this must be another separation!" realised Mr. Game and Watch. "Something must have saved us from dying!"
"Aw damn, more pain..." sighed Marth, realising he'd still be able to feel pain.
"Where's the guy that saved us?" asked Young Link.
"I'm over here, I used the a-" began the hero.
"Spiderman! I've safe now, Charles!" squealed Jigglypuff, getting near-death brain scrambles.
"Shut up! Anyway, I'm Luca-" restarted the hero.
"Wait, you said this was another separation!" cried Luigi, pointing at Mr. Game and Watch.
Everyone was hurtled into a void of swirling colour, and once again the Smashers were separated.
"Anyway, that's not the point!" ended Bowser. "People died in an explosion, and you guys are trying to get me and Wario killed!"
"I can sense your rage," smiled Pokemon Trainer. "I see it comes from suppressed feelings of inadequacy, and-"
"Large fleet behind us!" called Meta-Knight suddenly. "The mothership has some caped thing and a blue hedgehog on board, several squads behind them!"
"Blue hedgehog-a?!" asked Mario incredulously.
"They're sending a message!" cheered Fox, pointing at one of the Halberd's screens. "Oh, I love mail! One time, Falco sent me this letter, but it was covered in duck crap by mistake! And one time, Krystal gave me one that had her name and my name on it, and now she's allowed to carry this weird pain juice, kinda peppery, and one time, Slippy wouldn't let me have his hat, so I –"
A character of your choice punched Fox in the throat.
The transmission screen activated, and the Ancient Minister's face appeared before everyone. Sonic the Hedgehog grinned evilly behind him.
"Super Smash Brothers, your location has been tracked," grinned the Ancient Minister. "A 'Red' from Pallet Town, Kanto is amongst you, correct?"
"Yes. Yes I am," grinned Pokemon Trainer confidently. "And may I say, for evil-doers, you people are uncannily polite!"
"Shut the hell up," said the Ancient Minister. "You left Kanto because of the commotion beginning in Saffron City, correct?"
"Yes..." nodded Pokemon Trainer uncertainly.
"And you found yourself in the Greil Kingdom, correct?" asked the Ancient Minister, steadily sounding more evil.
"I did..." admitted Pokemon Trainer.
"And in the castle, were there not a group of fighters there, known worldwide as the Super Smash Brothers?!" pressed on the Ancient Minister.
"Leave him alone, and leave my castle out of this!" protested Ike.
"Well, Red, or whatever you prefer to be known as..." smirked the Ancient Minister coldly, ignoring Ike. "You may have heard of Sonic here. He's famous for his super speed. He planted a tracking device on you so quickly on your way to meet this scum; you didn't have time to react!"
"That's just..." Bowser began, before giving a non-committal grunt.
"We watched as you used the Warp Pipe system to visit Diamond City, home of the pathetic minigame factory or something," continued the Ancient Minister. "You then moved on back to Kanto, to the Indigo Plateau. That was foolish."
"We had no idea where the pipe would take us," said Link scathingly.
The Ancient Minister ignored him. "Well, naturally we decided to kick up the attack. This group was in Kanto, but there was also another. The eternal second banana – Mario's brother Luigi. He was trying to recall the other fighters who had been separated, was he not?"
"You leave Luigi alone!" yelled Peach at once.
"How would-a we know what he did?" asked Mario angrily.
"Well, he was indeed trying to rally up all the Smashers who had lost each other! Do you know what your beloved Luigi did?!" screamed the Ancient Minister. "He destroyed an island, and killed innocent baby Pokemon!"
"...w-what?" asked Peach, in disbelief.
"Luigi rallied his fools together, and they tried to attack me at New Pork City, where I was holding Star Fox's wingman and Hyrule's most hated!"
Fox looked shocked, and Link and Zelda exchanged a significant look.
"They escaped! The two fools escaped! And then Solid Snake, my hired assassin –"
Fox gasped. "I peed on him once!"
Everyone glared at him.
"Never mind..." sighed Fox.
"- betrayed me, after having Captain Falcon at gunpoint! Sonic and I barely escaped the explosion because three dead things rendered us immobile! We had to wait for my master's teleportation skill to save us! But it doesn't matter. You have lost eight of your number. You have also lost a hopeful, the betrayer Snake."
Everyone glared at the screen, hatred in all eyes.
"Do you know why we targeted your world, Red? Because something from the Pokemon world was making its way to our base at New Pork City. Are you familiar with the Pokemon Lucario?"
"N-no!" panicked Pokemon Trainer.
"Well, it broke free of your world. It made its way to New Pork City, and it came too late. It's intentions were to stop the bomb, save everyone, and restore the capsule that the bird and the Gerudo activated. But it is now dead too. And luckily for us, our tracking devices pinpointed you aboard the Halberd, above New Pork City as the explosion occurred. It was only a matter of assembling our fleet."
"What fleet?" asked Samus sharply.
"When the capsule was activated, it unleashed my army," smiled the Ancient Minister evilly. "A little earlier than I had hoped, but no matter...they will be with you shortly...ROADER SQUAD! ACQUIRE HALBERD AS PRIMARY TARGET!"
A group of motorised unicycles drove towards the Halberd, followed by candy-loving creatures with wide trousers, reproducing spheres, a flying trowel, fog-like entities, bird robots, sickle-wielding heavyweight machines, and a squad of vaguely familiar robots...
Unfortunately, half of these enemies can't fly, so they plummeted to their doom.
"Curses!" raged the Ancient Minister. "That's the last one of your plans we use, Sonic!"
"Hey, I forgot we were in the sky!" said Sonic, leaning against the ship window.
"At least Trowlons and Auroros can fly..." sighed the Ancient Minister.
The Halberd window was closed. Without any ability to think for themselves, the airbourne enemies rammed the wall until they were severely damaged.
"We will regroup..." said the Ancient Minister, flying off to do some plotting.
The entire fleet backed off.
"Well that sucked ass," observed Nana.
"You're so insightful!" cheered Popo. Nana punched him.
"Miss Nana, that's highly unacceptable anti-social behaviour," reprimanded Peach. "I'll have to give you a time-out!"
"Bite me," replied Nana.
"I beg your pardon?" asked Peach, shocked. "You are abrasive, little miss!"
"Ooh, are we gonna see a catfight?" asked Ike, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.
"Kid, you're alright," smirked Bowser, agreeing with Ike.
"You guys is sick, macs," sighed Diddy Kong, shaking his head. "I gotta breaks this up,"
Diddy threw a Pokeball between Peach and Nana. A blue penguin popped out, shaking its feathers and staring cutely around at everyone.
"That's a Piplup!" smiled Pikachu fondly. "He's from Sinnoh!"
"Yeah, he's one of my Water homies!" grinned Squirtle. "What's been going on, man?"
"Oh, not much," replied Piplup. "I'm taking a cooking class, just submitted my novel to a publisher, it's all good!"
"Cool!" smiled Pikachu. "I've been on the lam with some of the SSB, fighting for my life!"
"Awesome!" nodded Piplup. "Now, if you'll excuse me!"
Piplup started sliding around, using Surf. He caught Peach and Nana and pinned them against the wall. Water splashed all over the two female Smashers, wetting them severely.
No-one paid any particular attention, except for Ike and Bowser.
"...Is that real?" asked Ike, rubbing his eyes.
"I love my life," said Bowser simply, staring at Peach and Nana.
"You pigs!" fumed Samus. "Stop staring at them just because an unfortunate accident happened to them, creating cheap fan service for desperate adolescents!"
"Fourth line of defense has been penetrated!" cried Meta-Knight from the cockpit. "They've broken the fourth wall!"
"Who has?" asked Link worriedly.
A gruff-looking man burst through the floor of the Halberd, clutching a flying camera. "Kept you waiting, huh?"
"Are you with the army that just left?" asked Link warily, drawing his sword.
"No, in fact I was just down there," said the man, pointing at where New Pork City had been. "The name's Snake."
"You're the one that betrayed that army!" realised Link. "The guy told us you joined the SSB down there, but now they're all dead..."
"That can't be true," reassured Snake. "When I was with him, he told me the bombs don't kill things, but rather just cause some kind of special separation."
"That's what happened to us!" blurted out Yoshi. "Some of us were caught in that first one at the old Mansion!"
"That's true!" said Donkey Kong. "So the Smashers who got blown up in New Pork City are alive?"
"Yes, they are," said Snake. "But they will be in different places, once again."
"Who all was down there?" asked Pikachu.
"Let me see..." remembered Snake. "Captain Falcon, Ness, Marth, Jigglypuff –"
"Yes!" cheered Kirby, in relief. "Wait a minute, if they killed two Pokemon like we found out ages ago...that means..."
"Pichu!" cried Pikachu, burying his face in his hands.
Kirby patted his friend on the shoulder, watching him tremble with grief.
"- Luigi, Mr. Game and Watch, Falco, Ganondorf, and Young Link. But Young Link may be unrecognizable. I'm afraid that he was..."
Snake looked at the concerned Smashers, then to Kirby and the crying Pikachu. He hesitated before continuing.
"He was beaten up by a mystery assailant. The same cruel person murdered the two Pokemon Pichu and Mewtwo, and the swordsman Roy. But I assure you, that evil man is dead now."
"Why did Pichu have to die?" asked Pikachu, choking through tears.
"I'm sorry for all three of your losses," said Snake, unable to look at Pikachu. "But I insist, every one of the Smashers I listed is alive. However, none of them are in New Pork City. And this army is strong. We'll all need to join in the fight together..."
"We already-" began Pit, but Bowser pushed him aside.
"We already were united!" pronounced Bowser proudly. "We will stand together as Super Smash Brothers and defeat these menaces!"
"Why must we fight amongst ourselves, when there are greater menace in this world!" proclaimed Wario determinedly, joining Bowser.
"Yeah! We're all best friends now!" smiled Pit.
"Is he a Super Smash Brother?" asked Snake, jerking a thumb at Pit.
"No," said Ike.
Snake punched Pit in the gut.
"Okay, he is," said Ike.
Snake punched Ike in the gut, and then broke his neck for lying.
"Very interesting..." Samus whispered aside to Zelda.
Well, there was a whole lot of characters I got to write for again! And the story returns to funny with serious undertones rather than vice versa! Personally, I feel writing that was as if writing a different story all over again.
Lot of plot explanation, and I got to psyche all the "Lucas is here!" theories out using the fact that Lucario also starts with "Luca-"
Please review, it makes me giggle to myself in the little hours of the night.