DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I have never had that many review hit on the very first day of posting a chapter. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will see kind of off, and it probably will be. I have never done humor before and I am going to have a hard time with the adjustment. Thanks in advance for the support.

NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. I would also like to thank athenakitty for her contribution to this story as well.

Chapter 4 – Some People Just Won't Learn

That Thursday was flying classes. Madam Hooch approached Harry with a smile.

"Your father was a flying prodigy," she told him. "I hope that you have inherited some of his talent. I look forward to seeing what you can do on a broom."

"Thank you Madam Hooch," said Harry politely. "I am looking forward to class today. Aunt Petunia told me that Dad was on the Gryffindor team as a chaser."

The mail arrived a few minutes later. Hedwig flew down and perched near Harry. He took the letter from her and gave her some food from his plate. He read the letter with a smile. His Aunt sent him well wishes and congratulations on his point earnings. She also sent her normal requests to hear of his activities and the going on in the castle.

Neville also got mail. In it was a sphere with smoke. He gave a sigh as he looked at Harry and Hermione.

"I know what that is," said Hermione looking at him. "It is a Remembrall. When the smoke changes colors, it means you forgot something."

"It was a waste of money," said Neville. "Anyone who is anyone knows that I would forget my own name if it wasn't written all over my belongings."

"Don't worry Neville," said Harry. "We will help you. You are our friend and we will assist you in any way that we can. You are a good person that just needs a confidence boost."

"Hey look," said Draco reaching over and snagging the orb. "Longbottom got something stupid. I think he needs to be teased for being a brainless git."

Harry stood up angrily and leaned over to Malfoy. Draco looked back at him with narrow eyes.

"Give it back to him Malfoy," snapped Harry. "It belongs to him and I am not going to tell you again."

"Poor Potty," said Malfoy. "You come from a noble family and you hang out with Mudbloods and squibs."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than he was flipped upside down. From there he was spun like a top on the floor on his head. Hermione and Neville started rolling in their seats in laughter as Cedric was looking on in amusement. Soon others in the hall were laughing and pointing at Draco.

"Take your bets," said Fred Weasley loudly. "Will he puke when he stops or will he soil himself?"

"I will take the bet that he will puke when he stops," said Cedric.

"I think he will do both," said Neville piping up through his laughter.

"What is going on here now?" asked Minerva. "Why is Mr. Malfoy spinning on his head in the Great Hall?"

"I think it is my fault," said Harry from his place where his head was still banging on the table. "He took Neville's Remembrall and when I told him to give it back he called Neville a squib and Hermione a Mudblood. After that I got angry and this is the result."

"Oh ok," said Minerva. "Carry on. I will take the bet that he is going to puke and soil himself as well."

With that Minerva headed to the staff table and waited. Dumbledore came in and saw the carnage before him. He heard the bets ranging from small to large and getting wilder with each rotation the blond made.

"What in the hell have you done this time Harry Potter?" he yelled drawing his wand and stopping Draco from spinning. "One hundred points from you for this outrage."

"Shut up you old windbag," said Lady Hogwarts. "I am not going to allow that."

"Like hell you won't," screamed Dumbledore. "I am the Head Master of this school and I said he will lose the points."

"I am getting tired of people blaming me for him causing trouble," said Harry angrily standing. "Had he stayed away from me and kept his mouth shut, I would not have gotten upset with him. That is what caused my magic to flare up and take revenge on him. Neville is NOT a squib and Hermione is NOT a mudblood. The sooner you people learn that picking on me just because I am Harry Potter the sooner that we can all have a peaceful life."

"Do not talk back to me," snapped Albus. "That will be one hundred points from you."

"Wrong again you old fart," said Lady Hogwarts. "Since when, is it a crime to speak the truth in this castle?"

Draco stood at that moment and shit in his pants. He staggered a moment and fell over. When he stood up again he turned to the head Master and projectile vomited at him. Albus stood there in shock as he was drenched in split pea soup.

"Harry Potter," began Albus and was interrupted as he broke wind.

Everyone stood up that was seated near him and backed away as the ripe smell filled the area. Albus gagged and threw up drenching Draco with his formerly eaten breakfast. Draco turned to the side and vomited again. This time Pansy Parkinson was hit with the vile stuff. She turned green and puked back at him. Dumbledore was floored and turned and vomited again on her. She retaliated with her own. Soon it was an all out vomit war. People like Minerva and Poppy were sitting there eating their breakfast as if nothing were amiss. Severus was sitting there with an expression on his face that was a mix between shock and disgust. Pomona sat there watching the scene with interest as she was eating her breakfast.

"Fred Weasley," called Minerva. "I believe you owe me some money for my bet on Mr. Malfoy."

"Right you are Professor Cat," he said as he walked forth and handed her the money. "I owe some to Neville as well."

Soon the vomiting stopped and the three people were standing there covered in the icky mess. Dumbledore turned to Harry.

"Harry Potter," he began and then broke wind once more. Soon the vomiting started once more as other students started to ad their own to the scene.

"Some people will never learn," observed Pomona. "I think maybe we need to get someone with a bit of authority to stop Albus. Mr. Malfoy will drown soon if someone doesn't rescue him."

"If you think I am going near that you are crazy," said Minerva. "I say let them carry on. It is none of our concern."

"Mr. Filch will have a heart attack when he sees this mess," said Filius. "I did not know people could throw up so much. I wonder why Albus passes gas every time he says Harry's name."

"Probably because he was going to blame Harry for all of this even though it is not his fault," said Poppy. "I will never understand why Albus has made that child's life so miserable."

"Probably because he was miserable himself as a child," said Sybil. "I think someone poked him in his inner eye."

Soon the hall cleared and those that were part of the vomit war were sent to the infirmary for ailments of different sorts. Mr. Filch could be heard screaming for hours as he mopped up the mess.

Later, first year had flying lessons. Madam Hooch came up and smiled at Harry.

"When I say go," she instructed. "Hold your hand over your broom and say up."

"This will be a piece of cake," said Draco. "I will fly circles around you losers."

"Maybe we should just hex his lips closed," said Hermione. "Every time he opens his mouth something bad happens to him. One would think by now that he would be too scared to speak for fear of something bad happening to him."

"Some people never learn," said Rolanda. "Ok everyone begin."

Harry put his hand out over his broom and said calmly "up" and had the satisfaction of seeing the broom fly into his hand.

"You are such a freak Potter," said Draco. "Let me show you how it is done properly. UP!"

As soon as he said the word, all of the brooms flew off the ground and proceeded to whack Draco around the head and shoulders. The blue haired blond raced to the castle with the brooms beating him all the way inside. Screams of pain could be heard from within.

Meanwhile Hermione, Neville, and many others were rolling on the ground howling in laughter. Among them was Rolanda Hooch, the instructor.

"That is just the funniest shit I have ever seen," she said standing and wiping the tears from her eyes. "I swear that we will always have something amusing to watch in this castle now that Harry Potter is here."

Moments later, Albus Dumbledore came to the grounds.

"Harry Potter," he began and was interrupted as he passed gas so loud that it blew a hole in his robes and allowed everyone in the area to hear.

Behind him Draco Malfoy passed out from the smell. Albus turned around and raced back inside as once again the students on the pitch and their instructor was rolling with laughter. Once they were able to stand up and not shake with suppressed laughter, they were allowed to continue with the lesson. True to her thought, Harry was a natural on the broom. When the class ended, he was awarded fifty points for his ability to do amazing things on the broom.

"Harry," she called. "Usually I would offer you a spot on the quidditch team. However, as you are a part of all four houses, it would be hard to be able to place you. I am going to offer you a spot as assistant referee."

"That sounds like fun," said Harry. "Maybe I could play as reserve for all four houses and if someone is sick I can fill in for them."

"That is a brilliant idea," she said. "Twenty points to you and I will approve that. I will speak to the four Heads of House and inform them of my decision."

The two of them walked into the castle and stepped over the still prone figure of Draco Malfoy lying on the grass.

"Do you think we should send someone to help him?" asked Harry.

"No. Just let him lay there," said Madam Hooch. "At least as long as he is unconscious, he will not be a problem for anyone."

The two continued walking to Harry's next class talking about quidditch. Hours later, Draco woke up from his ordeal and realized that no one had helped him and left him lying on the ground.

"When my father hears about this someone will pay," said Draco. "Mainly Potter and his stupid self will get punished for this. How dare he do this to me?"

At that moment, Severus Snape shot out of the castle like a frozen turkey in hot cooking oil. Minerva opened a window and leaned out.

"Let me guess," she said sarcastically. "You attempted to badger Mr. Potter again and the castle is teaching you a lesson about bullying a student. Are the two of you ever going to learn?"

At that moment the sound of a massive fart echoes through the corridors. Minerva stayed near the window as throngs of students raced out of the castle and away from the smell. They were soon followed by the staff and eventually Dumbledore. Minerva sighed as she leaned out of the window.

"Eventually," she snapped. "Those of you that feel it is ok to pick on students will realize that the rest of us are paying for your stupidity. Now someone had better figure out how to get rid of this smell so that the students can return to class."

"This is all Harry Potter's fault," snapped Albus and then he farted once more causing a good three dozen students to pass out from the smell.

"ALBUS," yelled Minerva. "Will you get it through that thick skull of yours that Harry Potter is NOT the one that is the problem here? This is YOUR fault and once you realize this and stop blaming the child, you will be better off."

Poppy conjured a Bubble Head Charm and was seen reviving the comatose students. Professor Flitwick and Sprout were seen helping her.

"For the record Dumbledore," said Minerva. "The back of your robes are now brown. You might want to change."

With that, she waved her wand and gusts of wind blew the smell out of the castle. She gave one more aggravated look at Dumbledore, flipped him off and then slammed her window shut.

Weeks went by and from time to time one could see a beaten Dumbledore, Snape, or Malfoy walking around. Also from time to time you could see students fleeing the castle when Albus tried to blame something on Harry and his bowels defended the child.

One evening Harry was talking with Neville and Hermione. They were not watching where they were going and the stairs changed on them and caused them to land near the forbidden corridor. They tried to figure out another way of getting out, but there was no way. They came to a door and Harry opened it.

"I don't think this is a good idea," said Neville nervously. "This corridor is forbidden."

"With good reason," said Hermione. "We are being looked at by a huge three headed dog. We need to run and we need to run fast."

Harry looked around and saw the dog. The dog started to growl and then made to come at the three students.

"SIT!" yelled Harry.

The other two students stopped in mid flight and sat. So did the dog. Harry approached the dog and began talking to it in soothing tones while scratching each head behind the ears. The dog began to wag his tail and the three heads were each trying to lick Harry. Hermione and Neville timidly approached the animal and they began to pet and scratch it as well.

"I wonder why this dog is locked up inside of this room?" said Harry. "It doesn't seem fair that it can not get any exercise. Maybe we can take it outside for a walk."

"That would only be fair," said Hermione. "Do you think you can get it to come outside with us?"

Harry shrugged and beckoned to the dog. When they opened the door, Filch was standing there. His cat took one look at Fluffy and lost all of its fur. Filch stood there for a moment in shock before he turned a questioning eye to Harry.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "This corridor is off limits."

"The stairs changed on us and refused to move back," said Harry. "The only thing that let us do anything was this door where we discovered that this dog is locked up in here. There is nothing for it to do and no where for it to go to get exercise. We were going to take him for a walk."

"The stairs have never acted that way before," remarked Filch. "I wonder why it refused to let you leave."

"That would be my doing," said Lady Hogwarts. "Dumbledore is planning on harming this boy. He was hoping that Fluffy would harm Harry. However, it seems that Harry and Fluffy are now friends."

"Well," said Filch. "Twenty points to Harry Potter. Please escort Fluffy outside and give him some exercise please."

"Thanks Mr. Filch," said Harry happily as he beckoned to the dog.

Dumbledore was furious. He looked out of his window and was astonished to see that Harry, Hermione, and Neville were rolling around the ground with Hagrid's giant three headed dog. He opened his window and cast a Sonorus Charm on himself. He was furious and for once he was going to deduct points from the boy.

"Harry Potter," he began only to be interrupted by a huge fart that echoed throughout the castle. "Damn it all to hell. I can't even call the boy's name and I get punished. Why is this happening to me?"

"You are attempting to cause him harm," replied Lady Hogwarts. "Every time you do something that is unfair or harmful to him, you will be punished. Now I suggest that you go and change your robes. The ones you are wearing now have a hole in them."

Hagrid came out of his hut and saw that Fluffy was playing with some of the students. When he realized that the student was Harry Potter and his two friends, he smiled. From there, he turned around and headed back into his house.

"Far be it for me to interfere," said Hagrid. "I may have been expelled in me third year, but I know better than to pick on Harry Potter."

"Ten points to you Hagrid," said Lady Hogwarts. "It is people like you that Harry needs in his corner."

That evening at dinner, Albus was sitting there trying to figure out how to punish Harry. Fluffy was sitting in the Great hall near him and was receiving treats from Harry and his friends. He had a stroke of genius and stood up. He approached Harry and spoke.

"Boy," he said pointing. "You will lose fifty points for stealing this animal. You will also serve a two month detention for this infraction."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than one hundred house elves appeared in the Great Hall. Each had food or other items in their hands. Soon pies, turkeys, slabs of beef, sacks of potatoes, pumpkins, and every now and then the stray cooking utensil or pot flew and struck Dumbledore. The head of the house elves approached Dumbledore and looked down at him. He took the crème pie that was in his hands and smashed it in Dumbledore's face.

"You is leaving Lord Potter alone," said Smirky. "We is watching out over him as well and you is not hurting him. We is not going to tell you again."

"HARRY POTTER!" roared Dumbledore trying to get to his feet not realizing until it was too late that he used the boy's full name.

His fart was so loud and so hard that he slammed into the ceiling of the Great Hall. After the carnage was over with, Hagrid got a ladder and was seen using a giant spatula to help pry Dumbledore off the ceiling. Fluffy made short work of the food that was used to beat on Dumbledore.

"Mr. Potter," called Minerva. "I recommend that you take your new friend with you to your dorm room. You will now be responsible to make sure that he gets exercise each day. We will call it a project for Care of Magical Creatures."

"Yes ma'am," answered harry happily. "Come of Fluffy."

Hedwig, Spook, and Venom took to Fluffy as quickly as Harry did. The next few days saw the four animals following Harry around the castle. Severus was not thrilled to have the Cerberus in his classroom and more than once got thrown out of the castle for attempting to sabotage Harry. Draco Malfoy usually walked around with more damage to him than one person had a right to have.

It was the night of the Halloween feast and all of the students were having a great time in the Great Hall eating and enjoying each other's company. Those that were brave enough were seen playing with Fluffy and feeding him treats from the tables. The doors of the hall opened and Professor Quirrel ran in.

"There is a troll in the dungeon," he said. "I thought you should know."

He passed out on the floor and Dumbledore looked at him. Harry was looking at Quirrel thoughtfully and he went to the aid of the professor. As he knelt next to the teacher, the turban on his head was knocked a little to the side. Albus meanwhile was trying to figure out how the students were not panicking to hear that there was a troll in the castle.

"Are none of you worried that there is a troll in the castle?" he asked the students.

"Why should we worry about a troll in the castle?" asked Hermione logically. "We have all of the professors sitting here with us except for Professor Quirrel and we have Hagrid and Fluffy. We are safer here than anywhere at the moment so why should we panic?"

"Ten points to Ravenclaw for that logical thinking," said Minerva. "You should all remain in the Great Hall while we go and look for the troll."

"Professor Quirrel is faking," said Harry. "He is not unconscious. Every time I go to touch him he moves away."

Poppy pulled out her wand and ran a spell.

"Harry is telling the truth," said Poppy. "Do get up off the floor Quirrel. It is unbecoming of a professor to pull a stunt like this. Twenty points to Harry Potter for speaking the truth."

Quirrel got up off the floor and lunged at Harry. In alarm, Harry raised his hands in defense and the turban on the professor's head unraveled and wrapped around his body until he looked like a mummy.

"Hey," said Neville looking at the face on the back of the Defense professor's head. "That is what I REALLY call, two faced."

Some of the students burst out laughing. Harry was studying the face on the back of Quirrel's head.

"Hey everyone," said Harry suddenly in understanding. "It's Moldywart or what ever his name is. What is he doing in the castle?"

Everyone stood there in shock as Quirrel stood up. The turban had released him in Harry's excitement. He fixed his robes and then sauntered out of the Great Hall.

"Moldywart?" asked Draco. "Is that the best that you can come up with Potty?"

No sooner had the words come out of his mouth then he was once again on his head spinning on the floor like a top.

"You know," said Minerva. "If Mr. Malfoy keeps this up, we will have spent a small fortune to have the floors repaired. Every time he does something like this, he drills a hole in the floor. Yesterday he spun so much that he created a hole and fell into my classroom destroying my desk. Severus, have you not figured out yet how to fix their hair? Molly Weasley has been sending me daily letters asking if you have."

"I am still working on it," snapped Severus. "I still haven't figured out yet how to undo the concoction that was created when Potter did what he did in my class."

Those students that were standing or sitting near the staff table heard Professor Snape's words and quickly got out of the way as the professor turned into a human pin ball and was seen bouncing off tables, walls, people, doors, and eventually flung out of the castle.

"One would think that he would just stop blaming Harry for all of the problems that Draco is causing," remarked Filius. "One of these days, he will get seriously hurt."

"Did anyone notice that there is the word TILT over the staff table?" asked Hermione pointing. "I think Professor Snape lost points or something for it. That word is usually associated with pinball games in the muggle world."

Sure enough, the word TILT was in big red letters over the staff table. Lady Hogwarts growled in frustration.

"Not to worry Miss Granger," she said. "I will do better next game."

When Draco finally finished spinning, his head was in a hole in the floor and he was both urinating and defecating while regurgitating. Students were backing away slowly from the blonde. The smell was atrocious.

"Does anyone not care at all that Lord Voldemort and a troll is both in the castle?" asked Dumbledore with incredulity. "This is a very dangerous situation we have here."

"Only because you have made it so," said Lady Hogwarts. "The troll has been evicted. Last I looked, it was molesting Severus. As far as Molywart, he left a few minutes ago mumbling something about ungrateful people and strange children and I am sure that I heard something along the lines of drowning himself."

Albus gave a huge sigh and started banging his head on the table. Minerva looked at him with disgust. With an aggravated sigh, she transfigured the wooden table into a stone one and had the satisfaction of seeing Dumbledore knock himself out cold.

"That should take care of him for awhile," she said. "If you are all finished eating, I suggest that you all head to your common rooms."

"What about Draco?" asked Pansy pointing to a still upside down Malfoy. "What are you going to do about him?"

"Nothing," said Minerva. "He did this to himself. He got himself into the situation, and he can get himself out of it."

With that, the students all rose from their tables and left the Great Hall. Minerva was the last to leave. She turned back and saw Dumbledore passed out on the floor with a bruise forming on his head and Draco still out cold from his spin with his head in a hole. She shut the doors with a shrug and went to her quarters.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – This story is a parody and spoof. I am not intentionally building a plot. I just wanted to make people laugh. Therefore, if it seems like the story is all over the place that is why. I didn't really want a structure. I just wanted to put in some laughs. Thanks for each review and all of the support that you are giving me.