A/N: Hi everyone, sorry I've been away so long. I could tell you my tale of the malfunctioning computer, the sick family, and the exploding water heater... but I think I'll just let you read the chapter instead. Much thanks for patience, reviews, and all your kind words. For those who will be watching Eclipse tonight, have fun! I'm getting soooooooo excited. One of my friends texted me after seeing the midnight show, and said it was GREAT, we're all gonna love it! Until next time...
Thanks again to shasta53 for beta-ing, and *good catch.* This one was probably rougher than usual since the only time I ever seemed to get a chance to work on in was after 10pm. You're awesome! :)
Selfish – EPOV
Our evening of training with the wolves observing, was at its end. It was a good thing, too, because Bella was exhausted. She was swaying at my side, her eyes half closed, though of course insisted she was perfectly fine. Still, there was no way I trusted her to hang onto me as tired as she was, so I carried her in my arms on the run home. Thankfully, she was tired enough not to argue with me and she sighed as she snuggled closer to my chest. I felt her body go limp about halfway to her house, and I slowed down, letting myself take a moment to enjoy the quiet peacefulness that came over her. She'd once been terrified to run with me, and now she trusted me enough to fall asleep in my arms. It was a wonderful feeling.
It would have been nice to say the rest of the night was as peaceful, but I'd barely tucked Bella into bed when she started tossing and turning, mumbling incoherently. It was nearly morning, and I wondered if she would wake up at her usual time, even though she'd been asleep less than an hour. I knew Bella enjoyed waking up early, especially when we had the whole day to spend together, but there was no way I was going to wake her after the night she'd had. She deserved a day of rest after.
There were a few moments where I was certain she was waking up. Her eyes even started to flutter open several times, but she always squinted at the light coming in through her window, groaned, and fell back asleep. I was perfectly all right with her taking a day off from the world, so I rubbed her back and ran my fingers through her hair until she slipped back into a deep sleep. It wasn't long before she was sleep talking more clearly, her head resting on my shoulder.
"Don't go. Too dangerous," she muttered, her hand gripping at my shirt. I smiled, tracing my fingers up and down her arm. When I stopped at her wrist, I felt the bracelet that I hadn't really had time to examine earlier. I'd seen it at the party and had assumed it was a graduation gift from one of her friends. It wasn't until I looked closer that I noticed the charm on it – a wolf. Of course.
It was tiny and obviously hand-carved, innocuous at first glance, but the more I stared at it, the more it bothered me. It wasn't simply that Jacob had given her a gift, but rather the fact that she'd both accepted it, and was already wearing it. She threw a fit whenever I tried to buy her something. She even argued if my family gave her presents. Yet Jacob had been allowed to give her a gift that also happened to be a constant reminder of his presence.
"Ridiculous double standards," I muttered, then fell silent again as Bella stirred. I berated myself for having disturbed her with yet another bout of my poorly controlled jealousy. It had been easier to ignore the feeling when Bella was angry with Jacob, but her fear for his safety since he'd decided to join the fight seemed to have put us all right back at square one. One way or another, he always found a way to be in her life.
"Jacob," she whispered a moment later, confirming my thoughts. I felt my teeth clench together, but was careful not to make a sound this time. "Too young," she mumbled. Like a child who'd just gotten his way, I found myself grinning. Unfortunately, my elation was short lived.
"All too young," she continued. "Don't fight. Don't die."
My eyes shut tightly and I held Bella closer to me. She was worried about the pack. All of them. It was in her nature to worry, especially since she considered herself the reason there was going to be a fight at all. If anything happened to any of the wolves, I knew she'd never forgive herself. Which was why I was all the more determined to do everything in my power to keep them safe.
I didn't have to like them and I didn't have to trust them, but for Bella's sake, I would help them. If that meant translating at a few more training sessions, and listening in on the drama within the pack, so be it. I wanted them to be as prepared as possible. In actuality, I imagined the wolves themselves would fight much like the newborns. They would be running primarily on instinct, going for the obvious kill, and it was that style of fighting I worried would get some of them in trouble. The more they learned from us, the better chance they would have at leaving the fight uninjured and without casualties.
I don't know how long I spent thinking about the pack – planning, thinking up strategies for them – but I was brought back to the present when Bella muttered, "family." I had no way of knowing whether she was still dreaming about the wolves or whether her thoughts had drifted back to me and the rest of my family. I knew she'd long considered herself an honorary Cullen, and we'd certainly welcomed her in as such, but I also knew how close she felt to Jacob and his friends. Though I'd never understand how she was comfortable with either group, I was always very aware of the fact that her heart was divided. She had two places that felt like home, two families that would fight to protect her, and two creatures that shouldn't exist who would give anything to keep her beside them forever.
The hours passed, and the sun continued to shine through Bella's window. I wasn't accustomed to watching her sleep in the daylight, but I enjoyed the way that, even in her sleep, she seemed to smile as the sunlight hit her face. She was murmuring and stretching, before wrapping her arms more tightly around me, when her face pulled into an expression of utter fear.
"No!" she cried, and I held her close, stroking her hair and trying to push the nightmare away. "Don't hurt them! I'm here, I'm right here."
I tried to keep myself calm – my getting upset wouldn't help Bella drift back into a more restful sleep – but I understood where her unconscious thoughts had gone. She was always trying to find a way to keep everyone else safe, even if the cost was her own safety.
"Edward," she groaned, and though her eyes were shut tightly, I could almost see tears behind them.
"Bella, shh," I whispered. "You're all right, you're safe. No one's hurt. No one's in danger."
"Help. Have to help." Bella's voice was getting softer, though no less urgent, as she began muttering words that were meaningless to me. I guessed that many of them were Quileute, names or places she'd learned during her visits to La Push. Amid the stream of words I knew little about, I heard her say, "the third wife helped," and while the words were English, they made no more sense to me than the foreign words had.
"Not right, not here," was the last coherent thing she spoke, before drifting back into a seemingly dreamless sleep.
My fingers continued tracing lines up and down her back, but my thoughts were miles away. Bella was going to get herself hurt, or worse, trying to protect us unless I made absolute sure she couldn't get anywhere near the battle. I was counting on Seth to keep her safe and far away from the fight, depending on his ability to make her stay hidden when what she clearly wanted was to be seen. I was trying to stay positive, but it was incredibly difficult leaving so much in the hands of such unpredictable creatures.
Bella was restless the remainder if the day, and there were several times I considered waking her. Although I didn't hear anything else that sounded like a plan to put herself in danger, I could hear her distress in every sound she made. Eventually, a calm seemed to spread across her face, and her chin lifted up toward me.
"Edward?" she said softly, caught between a yawn and a stretch. I smiled as her hand tried to find me, her eyes still closed against the light pouring in through her window.
"Are you really awake this time?" I whispered. If she was finally dreaming of me, I definitely didn't want to wake her.
"Mmm," she breathed, snuggling against my chest. "Have there been a lot of false alarms?"
"You've been very restless – talking all day."
"All day?" she repeated, her eyes opening more fully and struggling to focus.
"You had a long night. You'd earned a day in bed," I reminded her.
She sat up, though she still seemed somewhat disoriented. "Wow," she said, staring at the window. She looked absolutely beautiful as the afternoon light bounced off her hair, turning it to a shimmering golden color. It was as if all the stress of her troubled sleep melted away. We'd both spent so much time worrying about the future lately, and I was thrilled to take the opportunity to remember what it was like to just be together. I almost didn't want to speak, for fear that it would remind us of what was waiting for us outside these four walls. Still, there were some things that couldn't be avoided. I heard the low rumble of her empty stomach before she'd seemed to notice it.
"Hungry?" I asked, then quickly added, "Do you want breakfast in bed?" hoping to keep her to myself for a little while longer.
"I'll get it," she sighed. "I need to get up and move around."
She nearly stumbled just stepping out of bed, so I held on a little more tightly than usual as we walked hand in hand downstairs to the kitchen. As soon as the food was in sight, her stomach growled again, and I laughed to myself as she squeezed my hand before letting it go. I sat down in my usual chair and Bella glanced at me for a split second, then grabbed her box of Pop-Tarts. I'd watched her eat so many times, yet she always seemed a bit nervous, like eating in front of me would offend me or bother me in some way. I wasn't even sure she was consciously aware of it anymore, but whenever I was in the kitchen with her, she kept her breakfast routine as fast and simple as possible.
"Ugh, I'm a mess," she suddenly said, her eyes widening as she looked at her reflection in the toaster. I wanted to disagree, to tell her that she was as beautiful as ever, but I'd learned that there was positively no point in paying her a compliment when she'd just woken up. Even if it was the middle of the day.
"It was a long night," I reminded her. "You should have stayed here and slept."
"Right! And missed everything. You know, you need to start accepting the fact that I'm part of the family now."
I grinned, loving the easy, confident way she said it. Bella was part of my family, now and always. No matter how much she cared about Jacob, how much she worried about the pack and their safety, and even if she loved spending time in La Push, my family was home to her. She wanted us as deeply as we wanted her.
"I could probably get used to that idea," I said casually, though I was finding it difficult to suppress my excitement. Still, there was one thing she hadn't yet agreed to – the thing I wanted, needed, to really feel like she was a part of my family forever. I felt my eyes drifting to her left hand, and the finger that I'd envisioned placing a ring on. After a moment, the emptiness of it started to consume me, and I had to look away. Unfortunately, my eyes fell on her wrist, and the one piece of jewelry she was wearing.
"May I?" I asked, reaching out to examine the wolf charm.
"Um, sure," she said nervously.
Bella sat there, frozen, as I held the small wolf in the palm of my hand. She was holding her breath as if waiting for me to voice my disapproval. As much as it troubled me to see her wearing it, I didn't feel right about asking her to take it off. I remained silent, trying to think of something that would appease that nagging voice inside me, without offending Bella in the process.
The wolf was intricately carved for such a tiny piece of wood. I had to admit, Jacob was talented – and smart. He'd made it himself, which meant Bella couldn't make him return it, and of course she would wear it because he'd obviously worked hard on it and she wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. So there it would remain, day after day, a nice little reminder that he was always there. Not that I had any doubt Bella already thought of him often. Her sleep talking was proof enough of that, even if she did try to shield me from it during her waking hours.
When I'd finally reconciled with myself that there was no way I could, in good conscience, ask her to remove it, I decided the best alternative was to use it to my advantage. A small piece of leverage, perhaps, but against Bella's stubbornness, I would gladly take whatever I could get.
"Jacob Black can give you presents," I said quietly, carefully gauging her reaction.
The tiniest blush colored her cheeks, and she didn't look me in the eye when she answered. "You've given me presents," she said. "You know I like the homemade kind."
I knew she was referring to the CD I'd made her of some of my piano compositions, though how giving her music counted as a gift was beyond me. She'd been my muse, the reason they existed at all. I was just sharing the product of her inspiration. I was about to argue that very point, when something occurred to me. Bella might not quite be ready to let me put a ring on her finger, but there was one diamond she might be willing to wear, assuming I managed to keep my tone casual.
"How about hand-me-downs? Are those acceptable?" I asked, not quite looking at her.
"What do you mean?"
"This bracelet," I said, tracing the line of her wrist with my fingertips. "You'll be wearing this a lot?"
Bella shrugged, probably still worried about offending me. I nearly sighed. She really did spend too much time trying to please everyone else. I wouldn't be surprised if she started taking it off when I was around and putting it back on whenever she was with Jacob. Although, if my plan worked, I hoped she wouldn't find that necessary. I didn't mind her wearing it – I just wanted it to remind her of my love as well.
Bella was looking down anxiously, so I added, "because you wouldn't want to hurt his feelings."
"Sure, I guess so."
I stared at her hand, already imagining her wearing my mother's diamond. It was one of the few ties I still had to my human life, and it wasn't until I pictured it on Bella's wrist that I realized how important it was to me to share it with her. I let my finger trace along her wrist, my cold touch on her heated skin making her shiver slightly. "Don't you think it's fair, then, if I have a little representation?"
"Representation?"
"A charm – something to keep me on your mind."
"You're in every thought I have. I don't need reminders." It was a lovely sentiment, and under other circumstances, I might have lingered awhile on the thought, but I was on a mission.
"If I gave you something, would you wear it?" I asked, finally meeting her eyes.
"A hand-me-down?" she repeated. Always so stubborn.
"Yes, something I've had for a while." I was trying to remain casual, but I could feel a wide smile breaking through as I thought of the diamond my mother had once worn. It had hung gracefully around her neck on the most delicate of chains, casting prisms around my room when the light hit it. It was one of the clearest human memories I had, and I'd clung to it for so many decades. I never thought anyone would wear it again, yet now I wanted nothing more than to see it reflecting in Bella's eyes.
"Whatever makes you happy," she finally said, though it was clear she wasn't thrilled by the idea of accepting anything I had to give her, even if I hadn't spent a penny on it.
"Have you noticed the inequality? Because I certainly have." I hadn't meant for my voice to sound so sharp, but it was hard to fight the feelings of frustration. Why was she so unwilling to let me give her gifts?
"What inequality?" she asked.
"Everyone else is able to get away with giving you things. Everyone but me. I would have loved to get you a graduation present, but I didn't. I knew it would have upset you more than if anyone else did. That's utterly unfair. How do you explain yourself?"
"Easy. You're more important than everyone else. And you've given me you. That's already more than I deserve, and anything else you give me just throws us more out of balance."
Her tone had been so matter-of-fact, that it took me a moment to realize what she was saying. How she could still see herself as the winner rather than the prize was beyond me. I rolled my eyes. "The way you regard me is ludicrous."
Bella nearly rolled her eyes back at me, but seemed to catch herself, and instead, went back to eating her breakfast. I was about to return to the subject of my little hand-me-down, but the sound of my ringing cell phone stopped me. I looked at the number on the phone, though I already had a pretty good idea of who it was and what she was going to tell me. Alice had been keeping a close eye on Bella's future, and after what I'd heard last night, I guessed there were certain decisions Bella was considering that neither Alice nor I would approve of.
"What is it, Alice?"
"Looking out for all of Bella's stupid choices is starting to turn into a full time job. I might demand another car if this keeps up." I sighed, waiting for her to finish her rant. All I really cared about was finding out what absurd stunt Bella was planning, and what I would need to do to stop her.
"You know, I thought she'd started to develop a little better sense of self-preservation," she continued. "I hadn't seen her making any life threatening decisions in such a long time, but I guess I was wrong. All last night, I kept getting visions of Bella stumbling around, trying to find the clearing like Jasper was talking about. Apparently, she thinks all we need is a nice tasty little distraction for the newborns, and we'll have this fight in the bag. I never actually saw her reach the clearing because, well, it's Bella, but lately she's been doing a lot of thinking about jamming a rock into her hand, which of course is brilliant, because then we'd all be running around like bloodthirsty newborns. She really doesn't think things through very well, does she? I just hope becoming a vampire will help her common sense a bit. Anyway, that army is busy wiping itself out – they're down to nineteen by the way – and they're basically doing our job for us. There's absolutely nothing to worry about, and if you could possibly try to get that through Bella's head, I'd appreciate it."
I sighed again, a little more loudly this time, trying to reign Alice in. I raised an eyebrow at Bella who was fidgeting nervously, and turning a deeper shade of red by the second.
"Okay," Alice finally breathed, apparently nearing the end of her speech, "I just thought you should know that Bella is being completely senseless about the whole situation."
"I sort of guessed as much," I told her, my eyes locked with Bella's. "She was talking in her sleep." Bella's eyes widened like she'd been caught in a lie.
"I trust you to take care of this," Alice said firmly. "And while you're at it, you can go ahead and tell Bella that her sister says that if she does anything to jeopardize her future – "
"I'll take care of it," I said, cutting her off before she broke the phone. If I hadn't been so upset, I might have smiled at Alice's sister title, but it was difficult to think of anything besides why Bella was chewing on her lip, and avoiding my gaze.
"Is there something you'd like to talk to me about?"
I watched as a thousand expressions seemed to tug at her face, her eyes worried, sorrowful, then finally resolute.
"I like Jasper's idea," she admitted, and I bit back all the things I wanted to say but knew wouldn't be helpful. My only option was to rationalize with her, make sure she understood why it would be completely counterproductive to have her anywhere near the fight.
"I want to help," she pleaded. "I have to do something."
"It wouldn't help to have you in danger."
"Jasper thinks it would. This is his area of expertise."
I glared at her, because she was not going to use Jasper's military tactics to justify a suicide mission.
"You can't keep me away," she said, her chin lifting slightly, defiantly. "I'm not going to hide out in the forest while you all take risks for me."
I was still upset by the thought of Bella willfully putting herself in danger, but I suddenly saw the image of Bella's attempt to find us. She'd be wandering aimlessly through the forest, grumbling to herself about not having a better sense of direction, and tripping over loose branches along the way.
"Alice doesn't see you in the clearing, Bella," I explained. "She sees you stumbling around lost in the woods. You won't be able to find us; you'll just make it more time consuming for me to find you afterward." I'd expected it to upset her, but when she answered, instead of petulance, I only heard confidence. "That's because Alice didn't factor in Seth Clearwater. If she had, of course, she wouldn't have been able to see anything at all. But it sounds like Seth wants to be there as much as I do. It shouldn't be too hard to persuade him to show me the way."
Why did I have to be in love with the most aggravating woman on the face of the Earth? We were arguing over whether or not she should be allowed to offer herself up to a bunch of ravenous vampires. This shouldn't even be a conversation.
"That might have worked... if you hadn't told me. Now I'll just ask Sam to give Seth certain orders. Much as he might want to, Seth won't be able to ignore that kind of injunction."
She didn't miss a beat. "But why would Sam give those orders? If I tell him how it would help for me to be there? I'll bet Sam would rather do me a favor than you."
I fought back a snarl. Yes, I'm sure the wolves would be all too willing to let Bella "help," if it allowed them to rack up the vampire death count more quickly. All the wolves except one, that is. And, though he wasn't exactly stepping up to his position, I knew Jacob had every right to make such a command.
"Maybe you're right," I admitted. "But I'm sure Jacob would be only too eager to give those same orders."
Confusion flickered across Bella's face. "Jacob?"
Considering his natural arrogance, it had never occurred to me that he'd kept his birthright, and all that it entailed, a secret. Even if he wasn't leading the pack as their Alpha, what point was there in hiding who he was from Bella?
"Jacob is second in command. Did he never tell you that? His orders have to be followed, too."
I watched as Bella's eyes pulled together, struggling to think of anything else she might be missing, but she knew that Jacob would be every bit as eager as I was to keep her safe. It was two against one, and there was nothing else she could say. I could see she was upset, utterly defeated, so I quickly tried to change the subject.
"I got a fascinating look into the pack's mind last night," I told her. "It was better than a soap opera. I had no idea how complex the dynamic is with such a large pack. The pull of the individual against the plural psyche... Absolutely fascinating."
Bella's scowl didn't budge. I still couldn't wrap my mind around someone being so upset that they were not being allowed to risk their life.
"Jacob's been keeping a lot of secrets," I continued, trying a different approach. "For instance, did you note the smaller gray wolf there last night." Bella nodded, though she was obviously still set on giving me the silent treatment. I laughed a little, knowing she wouldn't be able to resist the next piece of gossip.
"They take all of their legends so seriously. It turns out there are things that none of their stories prepared them for."
Bella considered this for a moment, then let out a deep sigh. "Okay, I'll bite. What are you talking about?"
"They always accepted without question that it was only the direct grandsons of the original wolf who had the power to transform."
"So someone changed who wasn't a direct descendant?"
"No. She's a direct descendant, all right," I said, unable to hold back a smile. It had been fairly clear to me, just in the short time I'd spent listening to the pack, that they were all still somewhat irritated that a female had joined them. It wasn't sexist, it was simply a matter of having to accept something none of them had even considered. They felt foolish for never having thought of it, and wondered if there were other surprises in store for them as the pack continued to grow.
I watched as understanding flickered across Bella's face, then her eyes grew wide. "She?"
I nodded. "She knows you. Her name is Leah Clearwater."
"Leah's a werewolf?" she gasped. "What? For how long? Why didn't Jacob tell me?"
"There are things he wasn't allowed to share – their numbers, for instance. Like I said before, when Sam gives an order, the pack simply isn't able to ignore it. Jacob was very careful to think of other things when he was near me. Of course, after last night that's all out the window."
None of the wolves had been thrilled about my ability to listen in on their thoughts. None except Sam, who was just happy that no one had to appear in their human form to translate. He was a true leader, and I had to admit I admired his ability to put that pack's best interests first, even if it meant putting them in a situation they were uncomfortable with.
I smiled at Bella, happy to see her mind was focused on something other than the fight, at least for the moment. It was surprisingly enjoyable, being able to talk about the wolves with her. I'd spent so much time and energy trying to keep her away from them, yet now that we were all being asked to trust each other to fight a common enemy, I was finding learning about them more interesting than I could have imagined.
"I can't believe it," Bella finally said, shaking her head. "Leah Clearwater!"
Bella's eyes glazed over and she appeared lost in thought. I wanted to ask what was troubling her, but I was afraid it would bring us right back to the subject before. After several moments, however, she breathed, "Poor Leah."
I wasn't surprised that Bella knew something of Leah's story, and how losing Sam had devastated her. While I did commiserate with her to an extent, it was difficult to feel sorry for Leah after hearing how antagonistic she'd been with the rest of the pack. A broken heart didn't justify making everyone else miserable. It was the reason I'd fled the company of my family after leaving Bella. It didn't feel right to make them suffer simply because I was suffering.
"She's making life exceedingly unpleasant for the rest of them," I told Bella. "I'm not sure she deserves your sympathy."
"What do you mean?"
"It's hard enough for them, having to share all their thoughts. Most of them try to cooperate, make it easier. When even one member is deliberately malicious, it's painful for everyone."
"She has reason enough," Bella argued quietly, and it occurred to me by the blush that suddenly colored her cheeks that she probably wondered if she was sharing classified information.
"Oh, I know," I told her. She needed to understand that the wolves really weren't able to keep secrets any longer, not with them opening their minds to me all at the same time. Even if they tried to hide something, inevitably, one of them would let it slip. I'd heard more than they'd ever wanted to share, more than I could have possibly imagined.
I knew, even without hearing Leah think directly about it, the way she'd been torn apart by Sam's imprint with Emily. Even in the way she looked at him, or rather didn't look at him, it was easy to see the pain would never go away. It would have been easy to be angry with Sam, to hate him for having hurt someone he supposedly loved, but I'd also seen the world through his eyes. And his eyes saw no one but Emily.
Even when he was with the pack, even when he'd been training with my family, a part of his mind was always on Emily. She was like an ever present echo in his mind, whispering reminders that even when they weren't at each others side, they were together. It had been almost painful at times, reminding me so much of how I love Bella, and how nothing had silenced my longing for her when we'd been apart. Sam and Emily's love was unstoppable, inevitable – like fate had designed them specifically for each other.
"The imprinting compulsion is one of the strangest things I've ever witnessed in my life, and I've seen some strange things," I explained to Bella. "The way Sam is tied to his Emily is impossible to describe – or I should say her Sam. Sam really had no choice. It reminds me of A Midsummer Night's Dream with all the chaos caused by the fairies' love spells... like magic."
Shakespeare had written of the madness that love can cause. I'd witnessed the devastation it had brought to a pack who wanted nothing more than to have a unified mind. I'd felt the kind of pain that only loss of one's true love can bring. Love could be the most destructive forces in existence, yet all of us – whether human, vampire, or werewolf – clung to it violently. I felt myself smile, realizing that although love manifests itself differently throughout all our species, it also proves that there's at least one thread we all have in common.
"It's very nearly as strong as the way I feel about you," I added with a grin. I'd expected Bella to smile back at me, but she was still lost in thought.
"Poor Leah," she whispered again. Then her brow pulled together and she asked, "But what do you mean, malicious?"
"She's constantly bringing up things they'd rather not think of. For example, Embry."
"What's with Embry?"
Ridiculously, I felt a twinge of excitement, like we were two children sharing secrets. It wasn't something I was accustomed to experiencing, or particularly proud of, but I was having fun.
"His mother moved down from the Makah reservation seventeen years ago, when she was pregnant with him. She's not Quileute. Everyone assumed she'd left his father behind with the Makahs. But then he joined the pack."
"So?"
"So the prime candidates for his father are Quil Ateara Sr., Joshua Uley, or Billy Black, all of them married at that point, of course."
"No!" she gasped, and I stifled a laugh. We were behaving exactlylike children, and I couldn't make myself feel guilty for it.
"Now Sam, Jacob, and Quil all wonder which of them has a half-brother. They'd all like to think it's Sam, since his father was never much of a father. But the doubt is always there. Jacob's never been able to ask Billy about that."
"Wow. How did you get so much in one night?"
Strangely enough, I wasn't exactly sure of that myself. There were some things, such as Leah's bitter thoughts meant only to hurt, that were clear and difficult to ignore. There had been other things as well, though, thoughts left unformed, that I had understood the meaning of. In many ways, it was similar to much how I'd learned to read Charlie's mind – hearing the tenor of his thoughts rather than distinct words. Even when listening to ordinary people, often humans aren't thinking clearly, and listening to the emotions behind the words sometimes provides an even clearer picture. That knowledge allowed me to get a deeper understanding of the pack mind than the wolves would have wanted me to, I'm sure.
"The pack mind is mesmerizing," I told Bella, unable to fully explain how interesting it had been. "All thinking together and then separately at the same time. There's so much to read!"
Her answering laugh was so carefree, I wasn't expecting what she said next. "The pack is fascinating. Almost as fascinating as you are when you're trying to distract me."
I tried to keep my expression smooth, but I knew what was coming, and I still had no idea how to appease her.
"I have to be in that clearing, Edward," she said, her eyes pleading and making me hate myself. I'd brought this on her, just like everything else. I wanted to give her everything, always wanted to give her everything – but not if it meant putting her in danger.
"No," I said firmly.
Then, the strangest look came into Bella's eyes. I only saw it for the briefest of moments before her gaze darted away from me. When she spoke, her voice was trembling.
"Okay, look, Edward. Here's the thing... I've already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are. And I can't stand it if you leave me again," she said, frightened. It was far worse than her usual stubbornness, and I found myself instantly wracked with guilt.
It wasn't often that Bella was honest with me about how terrible it had been for her when I'd so foolishly left Forks. Usually, we both avoided talking about it completely, but the times we did mention it, Bella wore a mask of calm acceptance. I knew she didn't want me to see how, during that time, she'd missed so much. She didn't listen to music or read books, she remained distant been from her friends and from Charlie. She spoke of my time away almost as if it was simply part of our history, and since I'd come back and we were together now, no harm done. I might have been able to believe her – if it wasn't for Jacob.
He'd showed me time and again what Bella had looked like. He replayed the scene of Sam carrying her lifeless body from the woods again and again. Through his mind, I'd seen the dark circles under her eyes, heard her voice shake and her heart nearly stop at even the mention of me or my family. I knew what life had been for her, though she rarely spoke the words, so it was a shock to me that actually hearing her talk about it caused me such inexplicable physical pain.
I think I'd opened my mouth to say something to her, but before the words had formed, she was in my arms. I didn't even realize I had moved. My hands were running up and down her arms, touching her cheeks, brushing through her hair. I had to make her understand that this was different, that I was coming back. There was nothing in the universe strong enough to take me away from her again. Not after what I'd done. Not after having promised her forever.
"You know it's not like that, Bella," I pleaded. "I won't be far, and it will be over quickly."
"I can't stand it," she repeated, her voice strained and miserable. "Not knowing whether or not you'll come back. How do I live through that, no matter how quickly it's over?"
How could I ask such a thing? The only reason I was willing to let her out of my sight was because I knew she was going to be safe. All I could think to do was to try to make that same promise to her regarding my safety, though I doubted anything I could say would make her believe. "It's going to be easy, Bella. There's no reason for your fears."
"None at all?" she asked, her eyes still not meeting mine.
"None."
"And everybody will be fine?"
"Everyone," I assured her. It seemed for a moment like she might believe me, but something in the back of my mind reminded me that it couldn't possibly be that easy. All I was doing was saying the same words I'd said since the wolves had decided to help us.
"So there's no way at all that I need to be in the clearing?" she asked.
"Of course not," I promised. She had to know, though, that no amount of danger to my own safety or my family's could make me wish her there, and I wondered for a split second what she was really asking. "Alice just told me that there's down to nineteen. We'll be able to handle it easily."
"That's right – you said it was so easy that someone could sit out. Did you really mean that?"
"Yes." There was a short pause, an intake of breath, and then it all made sense.
"So easy that you could sit out?"
She still wasn't looking at me, but at least now I understood why. On one hand, it was a terrible thing she was asking of me, and I had no doubt at all that she knew it. No matter how easy the fight might or might not be, it was in our best interest to keep the numbers on our side. For a moment, I pictured Carlisle on the sidelines, keeping himself away from the bloodshed because he couldn't bare to take a life, not even the life of a bloodthirsty vampire bent on our destruction. If anyone should the stay behind, it should be Carlisle, yet he hadn't for a moment thought of leaving his family when they needed him most.
On the other hand, I understood what Bella was asking for, because no sooner had I pictured Carlisle sitting out, than I imagined Esme fighting without him. Even if we told Carlisle to stay, to hold onto his morals and his determination to protect every life, he wouldn't be able to stand not knowing whether his beloved would return to him. He would be wherever she was, no matter the cost.
Bella's gaze finally lifted to meet mine, and there was a mixture of guilt, fear, and determination in her stare. "So it's one way or the other," she said, her voice steadier than it had been before. She knew this conversation changed everything. "Either there is more danger than you want me to know about, in which case it would be right for me to be there, to do what I can to help. Or... it's going to be so easy that they'll get by without you. Which way is it?"
I watched her closely, wondering how well she'd thought this through. Obviously, she was letting her fear get the best of her – fear of losing me, fear of feeling that emptiness again – but had she considered any other type of loss? She loved my family – Alice was like a sister, Carlisle and Esme like loving parents. Now, with the wolves involved as well, there were, in essence, two sets of family and friends in danger. Was she really willing to put my safety above all of theirs?
"You ask me to let them fight without my help?" I asked, saying the words softly, carefully.
"Yes." I was startled by how sure she sounded. "Or to let me be there. Either way, so long as we're together."
In her mind, it was as simple as that. All she needed was for us to be together. There was no regard for her own safety. She would gladly risk her life to help save us all, but if I wouldn't allow it, then she was at least going to guarantee mine. I took her face in my hands, felt her warm cheeks under my touch, and stared into the eyes of the woman I loved. It was agonizing as I realized, yet again, that I had never and would never deserve her absolute and unyielding love for me.
I wasn't angry with her, I could never be angry for her needing me. I needed her just as completely as she needed me. Even though she'd been quick to answer my question, I could tell by the look in her eyes that she felt nothing but guilt over having asked me to leave my family behind. I wondered for a moment, if they would understand when I asked them to fight without me, whether they would hold it against Bella. Instantly, I felt a stab of pain as I realized the answer. No, they wouldn't hold it against her – not unless someone didn't survive the fight.
I'd tried to keep my face smooth and relaxed, to not betray anything to Bella that would cause her to feel more guilt, but the thought of any one of my family members losing their mate contorted my expression. I tried to hide the agony I felt, but I could picture far too clearly what it would do to any one of them if someone were lost. They would never forgive me, or Bella, if a life was lost that might not have been had I been there to help defend them. Our family would never be the same. I would never be the same.
I forced the dark thoughts out of my mind, and decided the only thing I could do was to speak to my family, specifically Jasper. I might be able to understand what Bella was asking, but thinking about the possible consequences for everyone else had made me realize, this wasn't a decision I could make alone. While I could ask each of them individually, the easiest way to know whether or not they were really okay with me sitting out would be to discuss it with Jasper. They could lie to me, they could even try to lie with their thoughts, but there was no way for them to lie with their emotions. Jasper would know if, after having suggested I stay behind, the mood changes – if doubts start to creep in, nervousness, hesitation.
Bella still hadn't moved, and I wondered what she'd read in my expression. I sighed, not exactly looking forward the conversation I was about to have with my family, then reached for my phone.
"Alice. Could you come babysit Bella for a bit? I need to speak with Jasper."
"Of course. I saw it the moment she started thinking about it. It was rather hard to ignore, actually. I'm not going to lie to you and say that it doesn't changea lot of things, but I really don't see any problems arising. At least, as far as I can see with those mangy mutts still involved. I'll be right over, and I'll tell Jasper you're on your way."
"What are you going to say to Jasper?" Bella asked sheepishly when I hung up.
"I'm going to discuss... me sitting out."
"I'm sorry." Her eyes were filling with tears, though I could hear the relief in her voice.
"Don't apologize," I said, smiling as I remembered that all she was asking was simply a product of her love for me. She'd been honest with me, and it had only proved her love further. "Never be afraid to tell me how you feel, Bella. If this is what you need... " I shrugged, trying to seem indifferent, though her vulnerability was tugging at every emotion inside of me. "You are my first priority."
"I didn't mean it that way – like you have to choose me over your family."
"I know that," I promised. I hadn't meant to make her feel more guilty. "Besides, that' not what you asked. You gave me two alternatives that you could live with, and I chose the one that I could live with. That's how compromise is supposed to work."
Like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders, she learned forward until her head was pressed against my chest. "Thank you," she breathed.
"Anytime," I told her as I kissed the top of her head. "Anything."
We sat in peaceful silence for several minutes, all thoughts of the fight momentarily disappearing. There was Bella and there was me. The rest of the world could wait. Unfortunately, my own mind couldn't be silenced for long. I knew Alice would arrive shortly, and there was at least one question I wanted answered before Bella and I parted ways.
"Who's the third wife?" I asked.
"Huh?"
"You were mumbling something about 'the third wife' last night. The rest made a little sense, but you lost me there."
"Oh. Um, yeah." I could feel her face flush, the warmth radiating against my cool skin. "That was just one of the stories that I heard at the bonfire the other night. I guess it stuck with me."
It seemed I'd been right about her muttering random Quileute words, but I still didn't know what about this particular story had upset her enough to cause her such agitation at my mentioning it. I was going to inquire further, but I could hear Alice outside.
I thought you were going to make Bella see there's nothing to worry about, not let her scare you into staying home.
I turned toward Alice and rolled my eyes, though I did hope that, all joking aside, she understood my decision.
"You're going to miss all the fun," she said sourly.
"Hello, Alice." I turned back to Bella, kissing her gently before I stood to leave. "I'll be back later tonight. I'll go work this out with the others, rearrange things."
"Okay," Bella said, sulking slightly.
Oh, for goodness sake, Alice thought, grumbling. You'd think Bella could stand spending one evening with her sister instead of her boyfriend.
I laughed under my breath. It would be nice if I had a title slightly more significant sounding than "boyfriend," but I did love that Alice always called herself Bella's sister. At least in her mind.
"There's not much to arrange," Alice said politely. "I already told them. Emmett is pleased."
"Of course he is." I was quickly bombarded with images of him taking on several newborns at once. It was something he hadn't counted on having to do, but with our numbers presumably down by one, he was hoping he'd get the chance to show off a bit.
This won't take long, Edward. None of them are as upset about this as you clearly are.
I smiled as I left, feeling much better about asking, now that I basically knew they were already on board. Alice did have a way of working magic. I'd barely stepped through the door when Emmett was at my side.
"Decided to let me have a little extra fun, did ya?" he said, throwing an arm around my shoulder.
"Don't get too excited. From what Alice tells me, there might not be enough of them left by the time they get here for you to have much fun at all." I tried to infuse my voice with the same amount of enthusiasm as Emmett had, but the truth was, this was still difficult for me. I'd never even considered leaving my family's side, and even if they all gave me their blessing, it was difficult to imagine not being there.
"Aw, don't tell me that. I'm all ready to get this party started!"
Just then, Carlisle appeared at the bottom of the stairs. His mind was already filled with grief at the bloodshed he knew was now only two days away.
Edward, can we speak for a moment?
"Em, I need to get going. I have to talk with Carlisle and Jasper about what changes this is going to mean for everyone."
"All right, you guys have fun talking. Meanwhile, I'm going to be warming up!" With that, he was off running laps around the forest.
"Are you okay with this, Edward?" Carlisle asked when we were alone.
"Only if everyone else is." I hated that it was only partially true. Bella had made it clear that she needed me to stay, and if my family objected, I honestly didn't know what I would do.
"Our family is understanding. As you've already seen, Emmett is ecstatic." It was obvious he was holding back the disgust in his voice. "Rosalie is, well, Rosalie. I assume you don't particularly care what her opinion is, though I'm sure you'll hear plenty about it. Jasper doesn't believe we have anything to worry about. 'Numbers aren't as important as tactics,' was how he put it. Alice thinks Bella is being ridiculous, but she also doesn't want her trying to find her way into the clearing during the fight, so she'd rather you stay with her to ensure she doesn't do something foolish."
"And what about you?"
I wish I could remain here with you, but my family's needs come first.
I felt a stab of pain that Carlisle couldn't say the words aloud, and could feel how difficult it was for him to even think them. He wanted nothing more than what I was taking for myself.
"Do you think this means I'm not putting my family's needs first?" I asked.
"You are putting Bella's needs first, and she is your family. Please, remember that. Also remember that right now, she is the weakest of us. That will not be the case forever, but until you're ready to give her that strength, she is the one who needs the most protection. The rest of us will be fine."
"Thank you."
"I'm happy if I've helped put your mind at ease. Now, I assume you'd still like to speak with Jasper, though I can tell you we've already discussed how this has effected us strategically."
"Yes, I would. Thank you again."
"Of course. Whatever you need, Edward."
I found Jasper outside, leading a private training session with Rosalie. In a lot of ways, she was the least skilled for combat, having no special abilities to use to her advantage, and having never been in a real fight before. She wasn't worried, but Emmett had insisted Jasper spend some extra time with her.
"Always keep your eyes moving," he instructed her. "They're not going to sneak up on you, so as long as you're paying attention, they won't catch you off guard."
"I don't really see the need for all this training. You know Emmett's never going to let anything close enough to me to do any harm."
Jasper laughed. "That may be true, but he's going to pummel me if I don't get you as prepared as possible." I joined in Jasper's laughter, and they both turned toward me.
"Well, look who it is. The betrothed of the girl who started all this mayhem to begin with. Still planning on letting your family do all the dirty work while you babysit?
Don't listen to her, Edward. We're fine.
"What's the matter, Rose? Afraid Emmett will be too busy killing all those extra vampires, and you might actually have to get your hands dirty?"
I tried to ignore the stream of profanity that came next as I walked to Jasper's side. "She's really upset," I said as she stormed away.
"What's new? Don't tell me you're going to let Rose start getting to you now."
"It isn't Rose that's the problem," I admitted.
"Like I said, we're fine."
"You must know what I want to ask you."
"You want to know if any of them are more worried now that we're down one fighter?"
"I have to know."
"Why?"
"Because if everyone is suddenly nervous, it means more mistakes. More mistakes means more chance of someone getting hurt."
"Can you answer me this – would it make any difference?"
I paused a moment, wishing my answer were different, but I finally sighed. "No."
"Then why do you want to know?"
"It'll keep me sane, that's why! Do you think this is easy for me? Staying behind while my family fights to protect my wife!" The word was out before I could stop it, and a moment later, Jasper broke into a fit of laughter.
"Yeah, how's that going?" he finally sputtered. Although I wasn't thrilled with what he was laughing at, it was nice to have the tense mood lifted.
"I've been a little busy," I said sarcastically.
"You know, you're lucky she didn't just have Carlisle change her as soon as she figured out what was happening with this army. Alice certainly saw it as a very distinct possibility. She thought about it a lot."
"I know."
"And you know the second this fight is over, she's going to demand it."
"I know."
"So, have you given up on changing her yourself?"
"No, of course not."
"Then what are you waiting for? You already have the ring." I raised an eyebrow at him. "Alice thinks it's very sweet that you're giving her your mother's ring."
"I don't exactly have a choice. She won't let me buy her anything new."
"You're not answering my question. What are you waiting for?"
I took a deep breath. It was hard to admit it to anyone, even Jasper. "I don't want her to say no. Again." I shrugged. "You wouldn't understand."
"Probably not. One of the first things Alice said to me after we moved in with you guys was, 'We're getting married next month. Don't worry, I started planning our wedding after I had that first vision of you, so we're all set.'"
We both smiled as we thought about their wedding. Alice was stunning, as usual, but there was a simplicity to the day that only served to make it that much more spectacular. I couldn't help but think about what Bella would look like in her wedding gown. I also couldn't help but see one aspect of that day with absolute certainty. I wanted Bella to be human when she promised herself to me for eternity. Somehow, I could feel that it would make all the difference. Of course there was no way to know for sure that this life was what she wanted, but if Bella had sworn to be mine forever, I could change her without guilt because I would know that I was what she wanted forever.
"From the drastic change in your mood, I'm confident you're not thinking about the fight anymore," Jasper said. I laughed under my breath and shook my head at him. "Which is good, since you have absolutely nothing to worry about. The rest of them aren't worried, either, by the way. Not that it matters," he added, teasing.
"Thank you."
"Any time. Now, I think we've chatted long enough for Alice to have charmed Charlie into getting exactly what she wanted."
"What exactly is that?"
"Oh, she's just clearing Bella's schedule for the next couple of days. Didn't you hear? Those of us not chickening out of the fight are going hunting," he smirked.
"And Bella is going to be... ?"
"Shopping, of course. At least as far as Charlie's concerned. Now, if you don't actually want to take Bella shopping, I think she'll be able to handle the disappointment. Especially if it means you two get to spend some quality time together. Talking. About, you know, whatever."
It was obvious Jasper was not-so-subtly hinting that now might be the time for a proper proposal, but there was also something else coloring his tone. Something that he was finding particularly amusing. I knew his taunting voice well enough to realize he wasn't going to tell me anything, so I tried to listen to his mind, but he was already reciting Welsh poetry and singing the alphabet backwards.
"Nice," I muttered, and he doubled over laughing as I turned and ran back toward Bella's.
As soon as I stepped onto the porch, I heard Alice and Charlie chatting conversationally. He was asking her about her college plans, and whether or not she was going to stay in the area. Then they talked about where she and Bella would be shopping over the weekend, and he asked if they needed any money. It never ceased to amaze me the way Alice seemed to have Charlie wrapped around her finger. And Bella thought I dazzled people.
"Knock, knock," I said, and Charlie muttered something that sounded like, "come in, I guess." He looked back and forth between Alice and I several times before finally wishing me a good time on my trip.
"Thank you, Charlie. It will be nice to unwind after the long school year."
"Your lovely sister here was just telling me how she's going to be keeping my Bella company while you all are away."
"Yes, it's hard to keep Alice away from her girl time. Especially if the alternative is just to hang out with her boring family," I teased. Alice stuck out her tongue at me and we all laughed. "Speaking of us boring Cullens, we really should be going. We're leaving very early in the morning," I added.
"Well, don't let me keep you," Charlie said, happy as always to get rid of me.
I walked outside with Alice, who smiled impishly up at me.
"What's gotten into you? And Jasper, for that matter?"
"I just think you two are going to have a wonderful time together tomorrow, that's all."
"Alice?"
"Good night!" she chirped, taking off at lightning speed. I sighed, and ran around the side of the house to Bella's window. I waited for her on her bed, once again wishing I could talk her out of coming to the training session tonight. There really was no need for her to be there, especially since I was no longer preparing to fight. Of course, I had to remind myself that there were others she cared about who would be fighting.
The moment Bella stepped into her room, she asked, "What time are we meeting with the wolves?"
She sat down beside me, purposely stopping herself from laying down. Even though she'd slept most of the day, I had a feeling she was still tired enough to fall asleep if she laid down.
"In an hour," I told her.
"That's good. Jake and his friends need to get some sleep."
"They don't need as much as you do."
"Did Alice tell you that she's kidnapping me?" she asked, ignoring the implication that she should stay and rest.
I couldn't hold back my smile. Alice had been so good, she'd even fooled Bella. "Actually, she's not," I said, grinning. She stared at me, confused, and I laughed at her blank expression. "I'm the only one who has permission to hold you hostage, remember? Alice is going hunting with the rest of them. I guess I don't need to do that now."
"You're kidnapping me?" she asked, and I nodded. I'd expected some enthusiasm, hoped she would be excited about finally getting to spend some time together. Stress-free, and alone.
"Is that all right?" I asked, when she didn't respond.
"Well... sure, except for one thing."
"What thing?" I asked nervously. Had I been presumptuous, assuming she would want to spend a night alone in my house? Perhaps it made her feel more comfortable, having Charlie in the next room all these nights. Maybe the idea of being truly alone actually frightened her, though I thought I'd made it clear long ago that her blood no longer tempted me beyond what I could handle. I was about to ask if she'd rather stay at home, when she grinned at me.
"Why didn't Alice tell Charlie you were leaving tonight?"
I smiled and pulled her close to me, wrapping my arms tightly around her and kissing the back of her neck. She shivered, giggling as my cool breath tickled her. We stayed like that for nearly an hour, laughing softly, and me showering her with frozen kisses. Everything about her was more relaxed now that she knew I was going to be safe. It almost made me forget about the fight altogether, but as the moon shone brightly through her window, Bella muttered, "Don't we have to get going?"
I sighed, selfishly wishing we could stay like this all night. A moment later, though, my responsibilities kicked back in. Even though I wasn't training anymore, the wolves still needed me to translate. I swiftly pulled Bella onto my back, happy that even the way she held me as we ran felt more carefree. When we reached the clearing, I could tell that Jasper hadn't been exaggerating. I could hear nothing but confidence from my family.
Bella took in the scene in front of her, the easy way my family was talking and practicing. It didn't take her long to realize that there were significantly fewer eyes watching tonight's training session.
"Where are the rest of the wolves?" she asked.
"They don't all need to be here. One would do the job, but Sam didn't trust us enough to just send Jacob, though Jacob was willing. Quil and Embry are his usual... I guess you could call them his wingmen."
"Jacob trusts you." It wasn't a question. She knew it was true, and I could tell it made her happy. She was always trying to get the two of us to get along. As if there was some magic key to all three of us being able to coexist, though we both loved her, and only one of us was fortunate enough to have her.
"He trusts us not to kill him," I told her. "That's about it, though."
"Are you participating tonight?" she asked, her eyes not quite meeting mine She was still feeling guilty, so I tried my best to reassure her.
"I'll help Jasper when he needs it. He wants to try some unequal groupings, teach them how to deal with multiple attackers."
I heard her breath catch, and I wished I hadn't said it. Our numbers were still good, even without me, though the chance that someone would, at some point, be fighting off more than one newborn at once was likely. Emmett was counting on it. A moment later, Jacob spotted us, and he wasted no time bounding to Bella's side. Like a puppy. A ridiculous, extraordinarily large and rancid smelling puppy.
"Jacob," I said, my voice pleasant.
Sure. Ignoring me, Jacob appraised Bella's expression, then tilted his head to one side in question. What's wrong, beautiful? he thought, and it bothered me more than it probably should have that he wasn't even thinking about me standing beside him, listening.
"I'm fine," Bella said. "Just worried, you know."
That's really stupid. What is there to be worried about?
I rolled my eyes. "He wants to know why," I told Bella.
Nice translation. Care to rephrase anything else for me?
"What?" Bella asked, when Jacob growled.
"He thinks my translations leave something to be desires. What he actually thought was, 'That's really stupid. What is there to be worried about?' I edited, because I thought it was rude."
And I think your inability to keep your opinions to yourself is rude.
"There's plenty to be worried about," Bella said, staring intently at Jacob. "Like a bunch of really stupid wolves getting themselves hurt."
Hurt? he thought, barking a laugh. This is what we were made for.
Hey, Edward, I heard Jasper call to me from across the field. If you're finished playing with the dog, I could really use a hand over here. I want you and Emmett to come at me from opposite sides so we can show everyone what to do, and more importantly, what not to do.
"Jasper wants help," I said directly to Bella, ignoring Jacob as much as possible. "You'll be okay without a translator?"
"I'll manage."
Yeah, bloodsucker, she'll do just fine. In fact, I think she understands me better when you're not here to add your special commentary.
Bella was still staring at Jacob, her eyes worried, though not as worried as she'd been looking at me the previous night. At least, that's what I was trying to convince myself of as I left the two of them there. I was trying not to watch them, attempting to give all my attention to Jasper, but after the third time I was pinned to the ground, I heard Rose mutter, "Good thing he's sitting out tomorrow."
I shut my eyes, and left the rest of my family to train without me. I still wasn't sure that they were better off without me, but the choice had already been made. And at the moment, the only thing on my mind was getting Bella away from Jacob, and focusing on our upcoming night together. Alone. In my room.
With my mother's ring tucked carefully away in the bedside table.