DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.
DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.
NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will see kind of off, and it probably will be. I have never done humor before and I am going to have a hard time with the adjustment. Thanks in advance for the support.
NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. PLEASE NOTE that if I have not responded to your review, it is either an accident for not seeing it in the story and author alerts or that you sent it anonymously or I am unable to answer it. I take pride in answering each and every review, but every once in awhile I will miss one.
Chapter 5 – Yep! They Are Still At It
Things in the castle were bad. Suffice to say that they were REALLY bad. Voldemort was possessing the DADA Professor and Dumbledore was unable to do anything about it as he had troubles of his own.
During the staff meeting, the professors all entered with their wands in their hands in case they needed them for something. Albus started the meeting.
"We are here to discuss what is happening in the castle," he said. "I will hear from each and every one of you with regards to lessons and then we will discuss students. Let's hear from Minerva first."
"I think things are going smoothly in the castle despite certain issues that I will not name," she said looking at Quirrel and then Albus and finally Severus. "The students are no longer fighting amongst themselves. With the exception of one student in particular, the houses are finally working together to ensure that the rivalries are limited to the quidditch pitch. I, for one, couldn't be happier about this."
"Pomona lets go to you next," said Albus. "What are your views of the happenings around the school?"
"I will reiterate, that with the exception of a few incidences, that really do not regard me, the school seems to be doing ok," she said smugly. "There are a couple of students in the school that are pulling some stunts, but they seem to be punished before we have a chance to say anything. It is making our jobs easier. I have not had to dock points for trouble makers in quite some time. It seems to me that it is limited to one student and two professors that the most trouble is centered around."
"Filius what do you have to add to this," sighed Albus. "Please do not badger me. I am only doing my job after all."
"Trouble in my class is at an all time low,' said Filius. "Like my colleagues have mentioned, it is surrounding one student in particular that I am having the most trouble and nothing we say or do is stopping him."
"Potter needs to be put in his place then," said Severus. "Every time I dock points from him the castle throws me out. This has to stop. Albus you have to get control back of the castle. Yesterday his potion was the wrong color. I docked ten points and then Hogwarts reversed it and threw me out of the castle. I spend more time trying to get back in than in the actual classroom."
"Why are you aiming only at Harry Potter?" asked Minerva. "Surely he isn't the only one that is making mistakes in potions. I am sure that others are worse than he is in the subject. Are you taking points from them as well?"
"Don't tell me how to do my job or run my class Minerva," snapped Severus. "The boy just doesn't get it."
"Let me tell you what happened," said Lady Hogwarts. "Harry's potion was supposed to be turquoise and it was teal. Severus just told you a lie. He was trying to dock one hundred points from Harry. Draco Malfoy was passing by the cauldron and added something extra to the potion. Harry was attempting to rectify the situation when Severus banished his potion and gave him a zero. Therefore fifty points was deducted from Hufflepuff for sabotage and Severus was sent outside. For the record, Gregory Goyle's potion was orange and Ronald Weasley's potion turned to stone and you didn't take points from either of them."
"So you ARE still only targeting Harry," snapped Minerva. "You will never cease to amaze me. Don't you think we have other concerns to worry about other than a shade of difference in the color of Harry's potion? Why on earth would you not dock points from Malfoy if he was attempting sabotage?"
"Because Malfoy is his godson," said Lady Hogwarts. "He is trying to figure out how to get Malfoy into Slytherin and is blatantly showing favoritism towards him and the Slytherins. I am countering most of it."
"So I still have no control of the castle as the Head Master?" asked Albus. "Why won't you let me do my job?"
"You are not doing your job at all," said Lady Hogwarts. "You are more concerned about trying to get into Harry Potter's vaults than actually running the school. Shouldn't you be worried that the Dark Lord is running around the school? Yesterday he tried to hex a student in the corridor and I had to step in and do something about it."
"What do you want me to do about him?" asked Dumbledore. "He is not causing trouble here. In fact from my observations, he is acting like he has lost his marbles."
"Wouldn't you if every time you go to hex a certain student you belch big blue bubbles for an hour?" asked Minerva. "I swear you people are just stupid. We have you that almost kill us every time you mention Harry's name. Severus spends more time out of the castle than in. Don't think I didn't see the suit of armor have you across its lap spanking you either. Add in that every time Draco Malfoy opens his mouth to target Mr. Potter or his friends he spins like a top on the floor and creates a hole. Yesterday he did it in class. He called Miss Granger a mudblood and his desk jumped up and ate him. It took me an hour to get the boy out of the desk. I can't continue to teach under these conditions."
"So what are we going to do about Harry Potter?" asked Dumbledore.
Immediately the professors cast the Bubblehead Charm and Dumbledore passed gas that was so loud and hard that the windows shattered and the thestrals left the forest in fear.
"I would not recommend that you move just yet Dumbledore," said Lady Hogwarts. "You have just ruined another set of robes. Oh and you might want to go up to your suite soon. The rest of your clothes are leaving your closet."
Dumbledore flew out of his chair and raced up the stairs. When he got there, he was in shock. All of his robes were busy floating out of the closet. The professors downstairs were in awe as each set of robes bowed to them, slapped Severus across the face and then left the office. A crash could be heard from up the stairs. Minerva and Pomona were the first to appear in the room. Albus and a set of robes were wrestling on the floor. Both women were immediately in hysterics as it would appear that Albus was losing the match.
"Can you quit laughing at me and help me here?" he asked while the robe wrapped a sleeve around his neck and threw him on the floor.
A second set of robes appeared and jumped off the canopy in a frog splash effectively pinning Dumbledore to the floor. The other set of robes tapped the floor in a count of three and then raised the arm of the other robes in victory. From there, the two sets of robes floated out of the door leaving Minerva and Pomona holding each other up while blue in the face with laughter. When they were able to breathe again, the two women looked around. Dumbledore was still lying on the floor barely conscious. Something silvery was lying in the bottom of his closet. Minerva picked it up and saw the tag.
"This cloak belonged to James Potter," she said. "What in the world are you doing with it?"
"He left it in my care right before he died," wheezed Albus. "Can you get Poppy? I think I have a couple of ribs broken."
"He is lying," said Lady Hogwarts. "He stole that from James. He has been holding it here ever since. I think Harry would like to have that back."
Minerva agreed. She draped the cloak over her arm and left the room. As she headed out the door she spoke with Poppy.
"The thief just lost a wrestling match against his clothes," she said. "Now that we know he is a liar and a thief, he has a couple of ribs that are broken and is asking for you."
"I will get to him when I have time," said Poppy, following the Deputy out of the office. "I better go make sure that the castle or Harry hasn't killed Mr. Malfoy yet. I swear I see that boy in the hospital three times a day at least."
"He is like his father and Severus," she said. "They just don't know when to quit. Has Harry been in your hospital wing yet this year?"
"Nope," she said. "He is doing great. From what I hear, he is doing great in all of his classes and is tied with Miss Granger for the top spot."
"Yes he is," said Minerva proudly. "I have a final look at all of the test results and even though Severus marks him with a failing grade, between me and Lady Hogwarts, we give Harry his appropriate grade. He is getting an Outstanding in all of his subjects with the exception of History of Magic. In that, he is getting an E in that one. Then again Binns used to put me to sleep in his class. Harry and Miss Granger are the only two students passing the subject at this time."
As the two women were talking, Severus went flying past and out the front door. Neither woman batted an eyelash as a scream of rage could be heard. Once more, they did not even stray from their conversation as the sound of a huge fart echoed through the corridors.
A few weeks later they were all in the Great Hall eating when a new target just so happened to make their presence known. Ronald Weasley was sitting there talking with the twins.
"Mum said that we were to become friends with Harry Potter," said Ron. "How are we going to do that when he doesn't even talk to us? She said that if we make friends with him that we will get some of his money and we won't be so poor anymore."
"Maybe we can slip him a potion," suggested Fred. "That way we can MAKE him be our friend."
"ALERT," said Lady Hogwarts screaming in Dumbledore's ear causing the man to have an accident in his shorts. "The Weasleys are talking about slipping Lord Potter an illegal potion. Plus they have something in their possession that belongs to Lord Potter. DO SOMETHING. You are always screaming that I won't let you do your job. Well here is your chance."
"NO," said Albus. "I will not do anything about it. I don't care if anything happens to Harry Potter."
The wall behind the teachers crashed down as the fart blasted the wall to pieces. At the same time Voldemort was attempting to hex Harry and he belched. The two things happened simultaneously. When that happened two beings appeared before the group. One was gassy looking with flecks of shit in it and one was clear like saliva with bits of food in it. From there they started screaming at each other in Japanese and started fighting. Everyone sat there stunned for a few moments as the two beings started to do damage to the furniture. The students quickly left the area as the two entities managed to make their way towards the doors of the hall. No one at the staff table said a word as they were all too stunned to comprehend what had just transpired. Harry was calmly sitting there eating his dessert while all the commotion was going on around him. Both entities passed right over him and didn't touch a hair on his head. At one point both entities stopped in the middle of the hall and went into sumo wrestler position. They both bowed low to Harry and then proceeded to wrestle. Hermione had to excuse herself. She was laughing so hard that she accidentally used the bathroom on herself. Others around the hall were in the same predicament. Harry gave a sigh and pretended like nothing was happening. Peeves the Poltergeist was in the process of selling tickets to see which entity would win the fight.
"I want all of the Weasleys in my office this instant," said Minerva. "We will deal with what you had in store for Mr. Potter."
"OH," said Lady Hogwarts. "I can tell you. Apparently Molly Weasley wants Harry's money. Ronald and Fred and that thing that is his twin were planning on slipping him a Friendship Potion to force Lord Potter to be their friend."
"What item is in their possession that belongs to Lord Potter?" asked Minerva. "I already have to deliver his cloak to him."
"It is called the Marauder's Map," said Lady Hogwarts. "The twin pests stole it from Filch. It rightfully belongs to Harry as his father was one of the creators."
"You two will hand over that map immediately and show both Mr. Potter and myself how to use it," she snapped. "Harry if you would be so kind as to accompany me to my office, I will get all of your possessions to you."
"Yes Ma'am," replied Harry. "I am done eating and I would like all of my belongings returned to me."
"Then you might want to give him the Sword of Gryffindor," said Lady Hogwarts. "That belongs to him as well."
"He will not be getting that sword," yelled Dumbledore. "He has no claim to it."
A magical glow surrounded Dumbledore for a moment. The old wizard looked alarmed for a moment. When nothing happened he relaxed. The Sword of Gryffindor glided into the Great Hall and stopped in front of Harry. He reached out his hand and took the sword.
"You will return that Sword to me immediately," said Albus standing. "It does not belong to you. It belongs to the castle."
"Who do you think the castle belongs to you old windbag," snapped Lady Hogwarts. "As the Heir of all four this castle and everything in it belongs to him. Oh and Dumbledore, if I were you, I would run."
"Why would I do that?" snapped Albus.
"Because your next wrestling opponent just appeared in the doorway," said Lady Hogwarts.
Albus turned white as a set of his robes appeared in the doorway flexing its arms. There was a Heavy Weight Title belt around its waist. Dumbledore stood and raised his wand only for it to fly up and disappear. A look of horror appeared on his face when he realized where it went. He raced from the hall as fast as he could which was saying something as there was an eleven inch stick up his ass. The robes took off in hot pursuit of Albus.
Minerva gave a sigh and a shake of her head as she glared at the Weasleys before they all exited the hall. They were soon ensconced in her office and she was giving them one hell of a lecture.
"You have no right to attempt to harm Harry Potter," she said. "Your threat of a potion to force him to be your friend is out of line. One hundred points from Gryffindor. Your mother will be receiving a Howler from me for this and for her thoughts. How dare your family attempt to want to get money from an innocent child?"
"He is noting but a half blood," snapped Ron. "He doesn't deserve to have all that money when my pureblood family is poor."
Harry was floored by this. He had no idea that Ron felt that way about him. Ron glared at him and made to flip him off when the next thing anyone knew, there was a scrub brush and a pail of soapy water floating in mid air. The items then proceeded to wash Ron's mouth out with soap and water for his abusive tongue. Minerva sat there wide eyed and gaping as Harry proceeded to bang his head on the desk. Minerva was in awe of the spectacle before her. Without even realizing what she was doing, she transfigured the portion of the desk for Harry to hit his head on something softer and then proceeded to sit back and watch the show in front of her. The soap and brush went from Ron to Fred and then to George. A house elf proceeded to bring her a bowl of popcorn. She absently grabbed a few pieces and sat back.
When it was all said and done, the three Weasley children were cleaner than anyone ever saw them before. Every time they opened their mouths to speak, one or the other would belch bubbles. Minerva dismissed them all and with a smile to Harry she escorted him to his dorm. Albus raced by screaming about the robes doing bodily damage to him.
The next day in class, Harry and Hermione were in the process of attempting to vanish their snails, when Draco Malfoy struck once more. He stood up and then faked tripping and slammed his hand down smashing Harry's snail.
"OOPS," he said sarcastically. "Sorry Potty. It looks like you will not be getting a grade today."
The next thing anyone knew, Draco was hanging from the ceiling with a light in his mouth and his ass and his robes wrapped around him displaying all of his goods to the class. The light show that emanated from him was a delight even if it was disturbing. At that moment Albus raced by screaming with the robes chasing right after him.
"Honestly," said Minerva handing Harry another snail and banishing Draco from the class. "How am I supposed to teach when there are so many distractions in this school? Mr. Potter you will eventually break either your head or the desk if you keep slamming your head on it."
"That is the idea Professor," said Harry. "I do not understand why this keeps happening to me. All I want is to study, do well in my classes, and make some friends."
"It seems to me that you have succeeded then," she said kindly. "Other than a few oddballs, most of the school is your friend. You are the top of your year with your grades and your homework is always impeccable. Please do not let what is happening to a few misguided people stop you from doing what you are already doing."
"Yesterday the ninja sumo wrestlers wrecked the History of Magic classroom," said Harry. "When I tried to help and attempted to banish or even to vanish them, they multiplied instead. Now we have four of them wandering the school fighting."
"Oh dear," said Minerva as Albus raced by once more. "That is a problem. We should have warned you to not try that. Tell me Mr. Potter. What is happening in DADA? You are coming face to face with the man who killed your mother and father. What is he trying to do to you?"
"He attempts many things," said Hermione answering for a crying Harry. "Unfortunately every time he does try something, the class is filled with bubbles from his belching where we have to leave due to it filling up the classroom. We have no idea what to do about that. Yesterday, the Dark Lord ran out of the room crying and the last we saw, they were jumping into the lake. When that happened, the giant squid took offense or something and threw them back out. They landed on Hagrid and from there we saw, Madam Pomfrey was patching him up from the broken bones that Hagrid inflicted upon him or them. It gets so confusing with two faces on the same head."
"Are you actually learning anything in the class?" asked Minerva in shock.
"Harry and Hermione teach us what they learned," said Hannah Abbot. "The two of them are great teachers."
"Are you telling me that DADA is being taught by two first years?" asked Minerva. "This is absurd. We have to do something about this. I will have to talk to Professor Dumbledore when he stops running from his clothes. This is getting seriously out of hand."
"You are telling me," mumbled Harry. "We actually saw Professor Quirrel trying to strangle himself with his own hands day before yesterday. The man was in tears. When I approached him to calm him down he shrieked something about me being possessed and raced out of the room. It took me twenty minutes to get him to come out from underneath his bed."
"Oh my," said Minerva trying to smother her laughter. "This is more serious than I thought. Has any other mishaps happened that I do not know about?"
"Yes ma'am," said Harry miserably. "I had to rescue Draco Malfoy yesterday."
"Why?" asked Minerva hating the fact that she was curious in spite of herself. "What happened to Mr. Malfoy?"
"We were nearing the loo when he decided to insult my heritage again," said Hermione. "The next thing we know, Harry raced into the loo and was seen trying to pull Draco out of the toilet. He was stuck upside down with his head in a toilet that had not been flushed yet."
"What happened after that," said Minerva fanning her face as she was trying not to laugh. "What was the result?"
"I had to flush the toilet so that I could see what I was doing," said Harry miserably. "The next thing I know the toilet sucked him all the way in. I had to get Professor Flitwick to come and help me get him out."
By now Minerva was making no pretenses. She was sitting at her desk, banging her fist on it with laughter. Harry gave a sigh and reached into his pocket to hand her some tissue. Minerva was howling with laughter as she dismissed the class and sent them to Charms.
They were practicing the Summoning Charm. Harry was a bit timid about this. His spell casting, while accurate, tended to be over the top. He gave his wand a wave and summoned the pillow that he was supposed to be summoning. Unfortunately, he summoned not only his, but everyone else's and everyone else. It took ten minutes for everyone to untangle themselves from the pile of people. Filius was laughing so hard that he actually used the bathroom on himself and had to excuse himself for a few minutes to fix the damage.
Next they were in potions. Everything was going just fine for Harry. Severus tried a different approach on this day. If he ignored Harry, he might actually get to stay in the castle. This suited Harry just fine. He was able to make a perfect potion. Severus looked at him and awarded him ten points. Harry stood there shocked. Draco however started to complain.
"He cheated," said Draco. "I saw him steal some potion from Granger."
"How in the hell is he supposed to have done that?" asked Lady Hogwarts. "She is not even sitting near him."
"Draco," said Severus quietly. "For the love of Merlin, just shut the hell up. I am tired of having my office destroyed every time your mother or father sends me a Howler. It is not my fault that these accidents keep happening to you every time you try to harm Mr. Potter or Miss Granger."
It was at that moment that Crabbe passed by Draco's desk and farted. The flames from Draco's burner flared up and burned off all of Ron's hair. The now bald boy screamed in pain and shock and raced from the room. As he was turning the corner, Albus raced past him with the robes still chasing him. Meanwhile in the classroom the four ninja sumo wrestlers appeared and were busy destroying the potions lab during their fight. Severus sat at his desk and cried. Harry sighed and with a friendly pat on the back he placed his Pepper Up Potion near Severus and left the room. Draco made to get up to follow them. When he stood he heard a ripping noise and when he turned around, he noticed that his robes were missing the area where his ass would normally be. Not only were his robes torn, but his under garments as well. He quickly covered up his bum and ran from the room.
That evening at dinner, Albus snuck into the Great Hall. He approached Harry.
"I am warning you boy," said Albus. "If you do not call off all of your spells and shenanigans in this school then I will have no choice but to expel you."
"I beg your pardon," said Harry ducking as one of the four fighters went flying overhead. "I am not responsible for most of what is going on. That is you and Draco that is doing things to try and hurt me that is causing all of this to happen."
"HARRY POTTER," yelled Dumbledore and then sighed as he made a huge fart.
Turning, he saw that all of the students that were sitting behind him had passed out into their food from the smell. Poppy, Minerva, and Pomona were rushing to their aid to assist them. A pop sounded and two dozen house elves appeared and started to run after Dumbledore. He yelled in fear as each was brandishing a rolling pin. Just as he made it to the doors of the Great Hall, the robes that had been chasing him all day clothes lined him and knocked him off his feet. From there, it put him in a full nelson while the house elves proceeded to beat him to within an inch of his life.
Once more a thudding noise was heard as Harry was banging his head on the table. Hermione quickly transfigured the table section into a pillow as Harry was starting to acquire a bruise on his forehead. Minerva had taught all of Harry's friends that particular spell as she could not be everywhere at once.
Later that evening the staff was all sitting around talking.
"Where is Albus?" asked Minerva. "Shouldn't he be here for this meeting?"
"The last I saw of him," said Pomona fighting to stay serious. "His robes were busy dunking his head in the toilet on the first floor. From there they grabbed him by his leg and dragged him off somewhere. I have no idea where they took him."
"Oh my," said Minerva fanning her face. "Well at least we have him out of the way for a bit. We need to discuss what to do about the Weasleys and Malfoys. Severus what is going on with the Malfoy parents?"
"I had to fight for ten minutes yesterday to transfigure my hair back onto my head," said a miserable Severus. "The howler that I received cursed me and I had to first hunt for my hair before I could get it back on my head."
"OOhh," said Minerva holding her sides in pain. "Where did you eventually find it?"
"Filch was using it to mop up the toilet incident with Draco," said Severus. "It took me hours of washing it to get the smell out of it."
"What is happening in Herbology?" asked Minerva standing with her back to Severus as she was fighting a losing battle with laughter. "Is there any news to report on that class?"
"Mr. Malfoy had to be escorted to the infirmary," said Pomona struggling with all of her might to keep a straight face. Once again he shoved Miss Granger to the ground and the plants took offense. It took me close to an hour to find the boy."
"Where was he?" wheezed Minerva.
"The plants decided to bury him," said Pomona wiping her eyes. "I found him in the back of Greenhouse two buried upside down in dragon dung compost. His feet were the only thing visible. Every time I went to rescue him, the Venomous Tentacular tried to bite me. I finally had to get Harry to come and rescue the boy."
"If he doesn't quit soon something in this castle will kill him," said Minerva getting up from the floor where she had fallen from her laughter."
"That is not the worst of it," said Filius. "I was passing the DADA classroom and Harry Potter was teaching the class about Hinky Punks. Apparently Professor Quirrell and the Dark Lord were busy trying to blow themselves up."
"Oh dear," said Minerva. "We need to stop. I don't think my ribs or chest can stand anymore. This is the funniest shit I have ever heard."
"Speaking of shit," said Professor Vector. "Dumbledore ran into my classroom and was proceeding to scream about Harry when his robes literally beat the shit out of the man right there in the middle of my class. I had to dismiss my class early and try to figure out how to clean the mess."
"The house elves have informed me that they are adding laxatives to Dumbledore's food," said Armando Dippet. "That is when they decide to feed him."
"I did notice that the chicken bit him last night at dinner," said Minerva laughing out loud.
"Didn't you notice that the elves placed a can of soup in front of him with a note to eat it?" asked Severus smiling. "According to the note it said that one way or another that the soup was going into him. It was split pea soup."
"So what eventually happened?" asked Pomona.
"We aren't really sure," said Severus. "We know that as soon as Albus denied the food, the can disappeared and he was walking funny for a few hours."
"Oh please quit," said Minerva holding her chest. "I can't take anymore. Severus I am begging you to please start treating Harry nicely. If not, you will end up like Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Weasley and of course Dumbledore."
"I plan on it," said Severus. "I have been able to stay in my class for the last few days due to not being evicted like a pin ball. Mr. Potter was actually helpful to me in his last class when the four ninja sumo fighters destroyed my classroom. He came back later and helped me to clean everything up."
As the teachers were heading to their quarters, a huge fart sounded in the castle. Each professor sighed in disgust and headed to their rooms.
AUTHOR'S NOTE – I have to say that I laughed throughout the whole thing. I amuse myself sometimes and I am not sure that is a healthy thing. Let me know what you think.