Hi. So, first things first. It was recently brought to my attention (THANK YOU!) that my Midnight Sun continuation had been blatantly plagiarized. As in, copied and pasted, "look what I wrote." Complete with added author's notes ("author's" notes...). Mmm. Classy. *insert rant here* I was going to say more, but instead I'm just gonna leave it at... it threw a bit of a kink in my think, but they've removed it and we're done. Over. Tada. I've moved on. Really. No, really.
OKAY, second, Eclipse... was... AMAZING! (both times I saw it) I love it, I really do, and the soundtrack is equally wonderful. In fact, Sia's "My Love" just feels so Edward and Bella, it's provided quite a bit of inspiration for my own take on the proposal. Ah, the sappiness. It makes me so very happy. THANKS to everyone, I really, REALLY appreciate you guys. Hope this lives up to everyone's expectations. Oh, and you know how chapter 16 was loooooong? Yeah... um. Yeah. * deep breath * Here we go!
Compromise
Our final training session had ended hours ago, and Bella was in her bed, finally sleeping soundly. It had taken nearly two hours for her sleep talking to stop. The sun was up by the time she slipped into a dreamless sleep, and she spent the majority of the morning in bed. When she was coherent, Bella informed me that she had several things to take care of before joining me for our evening together. I was eager to get her back to my house and enjoy us being trulyalone – as opposed to alone, except for a sleeping Charlie one room away – but I waited patiently while Bella gave away concert tickets to her friends, packed Charlie a lunch for his fishing trip, did three loads of laundry, and ate dinner slower than I'd ever seen her eat. It almost felt like she was nervous about something, though she'd made it clear the night before than she was looking forward to spending the night at my house.
"My family will be leaving soon. I should probably check in before they go," I told her. I did want to speak with Alice one last time, to make sure there wasn't any new information, but more than anything, I felt the need to give Bella some alone time. There was something different about her nervousness, something that made me think it wasn't just concern over the upcoming battle, and I hoped that having some time to think it through without my hovering over her would help.
When I reached my house, all the lights were off except for one, and it was quieter than I'd expected. Had everyone left already? I entered the silent house and ran up the stairs to my room, quickly making sure everything was ready for Bella's visit. My eyes were drifting back and forth between the large bed that was rendered useless when Bella wasn't there, and the nightstand which held the ring I so desperately wanted to place on her finger. My thoughts were so far away, I didn't realize Alice was standing behind me until I heard her sigh.
You have absolutely nothing to worry about.
I looked up to see her arching one eyebrow at me, and wondered if there had been more to the conversation that I'd missed. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
I wasn't saying anything, she teased.
"I thought everyone had left."
Everyone did, and I was already a few miles away when I started seeing you pacing around like you were worried something bad was going to happen. So, I came back to check on you, and here you are, looking worried. Can you please at least try to enjoy your evening with Bella? It wasn't easy getting Charlie to agree to let her come over.
I cast her a disbelieving stare.
Fine, she admitted, smiling angelically. Maybe it was easy. But considering I didn't even get a "thank you" from you for arranging everything, I think the least you can do is promise you won't waste your time with Bella worrying over stupid things.
She paused, her mind wandering and jumping so quickly, I couldn't focus on anything specific. Then, her expression changed and she spoke aloud. "You two really need this. Bella's been a mess lately."
I wanted to argue with her, but I knew she was right. Although Bella seemed to have relaxed around me after my agreeing to stay out of the fight, I knew there was plenty left on her mind. She was worried about my family, worried about the wolves, and no amount of assurance on my part or the part of my family seemed to make any difference.
"What else am I supposed to do, Alice? I hate to see her like this, but I've already done all I can do. I'm staying behind so she doesn't have to worry about my safety, but you know as well as I do that her concern for me is only part of what's bothering her. Unless that mongrel decides to stay behind as well, I don't think she'll be content until after the fight is over."
Alice rolled her eyes. "Even then," she muttered, and I wondered what she was seeing – seeing and hiding.
"So, what do you suggest?" I asked.
She smiled again, her mind flashing through images that had once terrified me, but now felt almost comforting in their inevitability. Bella, pale and cold, yet smiling – a member of my family, standing beside us, strong and wonderful. The two of us holding hands, white on white, finally belonging to the same world. Bella's lips hard against mine, together without fear or hesitation. It was one of the more alluring of Alice's visions, and one that I was only now starting to admit had been a source of temptation, urging me to give in to Bella's request against my better judgment.
"Well, what I meant was, what do you suggest I do to ease Bella's mind about the fight. But I appreciate the sentiment," I added, joining in her grin. "Don't suppose you've seen anything about a wedding that you're not sharing with me?"
"I've always been able to see Bella in her wedding dress, but that's because I've already picked it out for her. It won't be a true vision of the future, however, until she decides she's ready for that step."
"Very helpful, Alice."
"Oh, I know. Now, you'd better make sure you're ready for our house guest. Bella's packing right now, incredibly slowly, I might add, and she should be ready – " she closed her eyes for a moment, "in twenty-three minutes."
"I think everything's set. There's plenty of food in the kitchen, her bed is made, I believe the house is at a comfortable temperature."
"Yes, the house is perfect. But are you ready?" For a split second, I saw Bella sitting on the bed, looking up at me expectantly. There was a longing in her eyes, though I couldn't think of anything she would want that I'd be unwilling to give her.
The only think I'd refused her was that I be the one to change her myself, and technically, I wasn't refusing so much as agreeing, conditionally. And truth be told, even if she never said yes to my proposal, when that day came and Carlisle stepped up to fulfill his promise to change her, if she still wanted it to be me, I couldn't imagine telling her no. Anything and everything I have to give, I'd give to Bella, whether she decided to be my wife or not.
"Alice, I know you don't like to share things that you think could alter the future – "
"Which is why I've gotten very good at singing all my favorite songs backward," she grinned.
"Yes, you're very annoying. What I'm asking, though, is if you've had two conflicting visions – like how at first you could see me either killing Bella or changing her – then don't you think it's only fair to let me see both possibilities? You're not guiding the future, you're just – "
"Good-bye, Edward," she chirped, flitting out the door and down the steps before I had time to stop her.
"Perfect," I muttered. All I'd wanted to know was if I had a shred of hope, if the idea of saying yes had ever even crossed Bella's mind. It didn't have to be the only future Alice saw, but I'd like to know it was one of the possible outcomes. I just didn't know how I would have the courage to ask Bella again – and ask her theright way this time – unless I knew she was at least considering saying yes.
With one final glance at the room I'd soon be sharing with Bella, I left to go get her. Hating the idea of Bella coming home – to our home – and finding it dark and uninviting, I turned on every light as I raced through the house. I sighed as I ran past my car, reminding myself that Bella was, in fact, drivingme home tonight. It didn't bother me, though. Whatever made Bella more comfortable. When I got to her house, I saw that her overnight bag was already waiting inside her truck. Alice had been right, of course. She was ready to go. Bella flung the door open before I'd had time to knock twice.
"Anxious?" I asked, smiling at the way her cheeks were blushing pink.
"My bag's all packed, and the truck's ready to go," she said, not really answering my question.
"Bella, you're flustered," I told her softly, brushing her hair out of her face. "This was supposed to be a relaxing evening."
"I'm sorry. I've got a lot on my mind right now. I mean, you know that. You do, too. Of course." Her blush deepened, and she looked down at the ground, embarrassed.
"Yes, there are a lot of things happening in our lives right now. Which is all the more reason to not think about them for one night. Everything's taken care of. My family is hunting, getting their strength up. The wolves are confident. There's nothing for you to worry about." Her eyes met mine, exasperated, and I knew I was fighting a losing battle. "Okay, you're right. There are plenty of things that you could worry about. Will it solve anything, though?"
Grumbling, she shook her head. "I guess not." I smiled my most reassuring smile, though she didn't return it.
"For this one night," I begged, "could we try to forget everything besides just you and me? It seems like I can never get enough time like that. I need to be with you. Just you." The truth of my words shocked me, as did the desperation I heard in my own voice. I did need this night, and I realized in that moment that I needed it every bit as much as Bella. All we'd done for so long was worry about the newborns. Even the nights we'd spent in each other's arms had been tainted by fear of what was to come.
It was odd, yet somehow, with the knowledge of the army's approach on the horizon, the fact that they were closer than they'd ever been before, I could feel that tonight had the ability to bring us peace. We knew where our enemy was, and when they would be here. There was nothing more we could do to prepare, so for one night, there was absolutely no point in thinking about them. Fear could be put aside for the evening, and I had every intention of making the most of it.
I walked Bella to her truck, and she smiled at me as she took her place behind the wheel. Though she was keeping a smile on her face, I could hear in her frantic heartbeat that nervousness was still getting the best of her. She drove more slowly than usual, her hands gripping the wheel tightly until I reminded her to relax. She took a few deep breaths, and I felt the truck slow down even more. Under normal circumstances, I might have given her a hard time about the pace we were traveling, but I was determined not to rush anything tonight. There was nowhere we needed to be, nothing that needed to get done. It was freeing, knowing that nothing but a huge, empty house was waiting for us. If Bella wanted to take an hour to get there, I wasn't going to complain.
I couldn't help but smile as I realized that soon, Bella would be coming home with me every night. Once she was part of my family, officially, this would be her home as well. That thought made me more eager to reach our destination, and I was happy when I could see the lights from my house shining through the trees. I wasted no time, and the second Bella shut the engine off, I was around the truck and at her side. I flung her door open, anxious to have her in my arms again.
Her bag on my shoulder, I scooped her up and pressed my lips to hers. I felt her exhilaration as she kissed me, like she'd just realized there was nothing we needed to think about but each other. Her fingers threaded into my hair, and I needed her closer. Without thinking, I picked her up and crushed her to my chest. Her breath caught and for a moment, I thought I'd hurt her, but the next moment, she was hugging herself even tighter to me.
My love in my arms, I ran toward the house, nearly kicking the door in on my way. She didn't seem to notice. She was too busy filling every one of my senses, driving me crazy in a way I probably should have been worried about, but I couldn't make myself feel anything but joy. Bella was in my arms, in my home, and for the first time, there was no one there except for us. No Alice trying to sneak in a little "girl time." No Rosalie in the next room, thinking her opinion obnoxiously loudly. No one listening, and no one to listen to. Over the years, I'd gotten so used to the constant chatter of everyone's internal monologue, the serene quiet that filled the house only served to make the moment that much more special. I could hear nothing but the beating of Bella's heart, and the sound of us breathing together.
I realized after a few minutes, that we were still standing just inside the door. We had the whole house to ourselves, and we couldn't make it past the entryway. Reluctantly, I started to pull away from Bella, and she whimpered as my lips parted from hers. I laughed softly at her unwillingness to end our embrace, even for a second.
"Welcome home," I said, my eyes locking with hers, completely overwhelmed by the emotion those words evoked in me. I never thought I would share my home with anyone but my family – that I would always be alone in my very full house.
"That sounds nice," she answered, smiling up at me warmly. I set her down, though everything in me wanted to carry her up to my room and continue our kiss. There was something I wanted to do first, though. I was anxious to give her the present she'd already agreed to accept.
"I have something for you," I reminded her.
"Oh?"
"Your hand-me-down, remember? You said that was allowable."
She frowned, her eyes shifting down to the floor. "Oh, that's right. I guess I did say that."
"It's up in my room. Shall I go get it?"
Something flashed in her eyes, and her reluctance about accepting my gift vanished. She twined her fingers through mine and looked up at me from under her lashes. "Sure. Let's go."
I couldn't place exactly why, but a rush of excitement took over, and I scooped Bella up without another thought and carried her to my room. After setting her gently down, I went to retrieve the diamond that was one of the few ties to my past – one of the only ways I could bridge the world I'd known with the world in which I now lived.
When I'd returned, Bella was standing somewhat shakily, and eying the bed. A moment later, she appeared to decide something, and went to sit in the very center of the golden comforter. She looked like she was bracing herself for something terrible. I could only hope that her aversion to gifts would disappear when she realized that in our family, resources were virtually unlimited.
"Okay," she said, begrudgingly. "Let me have it."
I laughed at her posture, wondering what she was expecting me to give her, then joined her on the bed. Her heart sped up as she appraised my light expression. "A hand-me-down," I repeated, just in case she was thinking of going back on her word.
Carefully, I lifted her left arm away from her body, and could feel her pulse beating frantically as I touched her wrist. My fingers grazed the carved wolf, though its presence wasn't bothering me at the moment. All I could think about was attaching the diamond to her bracelet, finally being able to share a piece of my history with Bella, the absolute embodiment of my future.
As I placed Bella's arm back at her side, I watched her eyes meet the reflection of light coming from the diamond. I almost regretted having given it to her inside – it would have been much more effective had it been catching the sunlight in our meadow. It was harder than usual to read her expression, but her quiet intake of breath made a smile tug at my lips.
"It was my mother's," I said, nearly a whisper. I hadn't expected my voice to betray my emotion, so I quickly added a shrug of indifference. "I inherited quite a few baubles like this. I've given some to Esme and Alice both. So, clearly, this is not a big deal in any way."
I smiled lightly, though my half-truth felt wrong. I wanted her to know what it meant to me. I needed her to understand that the things I'd given to my family hadn't had the significance that this piece did. I could still see my mother's face when I looked into its facets. I could almost, almost, remember the sound of her voice the day my father had given it to her. Someday, when Bella had grown more accustomed to accepting the things I gave her, I would tell her the truth. For now, though, I would be content simply to see Bella wear it.
I'd gotten lost in my memories, and it took me a minute to realize that Bella was watching me. Her stare was somewhat apologetic, like she knew what it meant and was sorry she was taking away its significance.
"But I thought it was a good representation," I continued quickly, grinning, so she would know I was still enjoying myself. "It's hard and cold. And it throws rainbows in the sunlight."
Bella blinked, her eyes scrutinizing first the diamond and then me. "You forgot the most important similarity," she whispered. "It's beautiful."
"My heart is just as silent. And it, too, is yours."
She lifted her bracelet just enough that it caught the light of one small lamp that was shining from beside the bed. Her eyes didn't leave it as she said, "Thank you. For both."
"No, thank you," I said, finally letting out the breath I was holding. I hadn't realized how nervous I'd been that she would refuse it. "It's a relief to have you accept a gift so easily. Good practice for you, too." I grinned at her, challenging her to argue with me, but instead, she burrowed under my arms until her head was pressed against my chest. I held her as tightly as I could without worrying about hurting her. Every muscle in my body ached to hold her closer, crush her to me and never let go. Soon, I reminded myself. She would only be this fragile for a little while longer. An excitement I'd only recently started to get used to coursed through my veins at the thought of it.
"Can we discuss something?" she asked softly, bringing me back from where my mind was slowly wandering – which was probably a very good thing. I still needed to be minding every second with her, not letting my guard down thinking about the future, when things would be different. "I'd appreciate it if you could begin by being open-minded," she added.
An unnamed anxiety passed through my thoughts. I thought I'd already given in on everything she'd claimed I wasn't open-minded about – my aversion to her spending time with the wolves, my determination to keep her human. "I'll give it my best effort," I said, careful not to make a promise I couldn't keep.
"I'm not breaking any rules here," she added, already defensive, which didn't help to calm my nerves. "This is strictly about you and me. So..." She drew out the word, stalling, even though she was leading the conversation. "I was impressed by how well we were able to compromise the other night. I was thinking I would like to apply the same principle to a different situation."
She sounded like she was trying to work out a business arrangement. The corner of my mouth twitched into a smile. "What would you like to negotiate?" She didn't speak right away, but her heart began racing and her breathing sped up. "Listen to your heart fly," I said softly, struggling to get her to meet my eyes. "It's fluttering like a hummingbird's wings. Are you all right?"
"I'm great," she answered, far too quickly.
"Please go on then."
"Well, I guess, first, I wanted to talk to you about that whole ridiculous marriage condition thing."
I knew she wasn't thrilled with the idea of marriage, but hearing her call it ridiculous was painful. "It's only ridiculous to you. What about it?"
"I was wondering... is that open to negotiation?"
"I've already made the largest concession by far and away – I've agreed to take your life away against my better judgment. And that ought to entitle me to a few compromises on your part."
"No," she said firmly. "That part's a done deal. We're not discussing my... renovations right now. I want to hammer out some other details."
I wanted to argue with her, but she was right. This discussion wasn't whether or not she was going to be changed. That had been decided long ago, without my having more than a single, ineffectual vote in the matter. My marriage condition was only related to me changing her myself – something we, in actuality, both wanted. I was swiftly reminded of what an idiot I was.
I looked into Bella's eyes again, reminding myself that her transformation was imminent. With that understanding, I had to ask, "Which details do you mean exactly?"
She paused, her cheeks flushing again. "Let's clarify your prerequisites first."
I already felt foolish for trying to coerce her into marrying me by refusing something that should have been a given. If Bella was going to enter this life with me, why wouldn't I be the one there with her when it began? Still, I'd begun it. There was no way I could back out now.
"You know what I want," I said.
"Matrimony," she said, her voice thick with sarcasm. I could have been upset, but at least we were talking about it. Maybe the stars would align, and she would actually let me explain my reasoning.
"Yes," I said, then decided that if we were doing this, if we were actually trying to work out the details, as she'd put it, she might as well know about all the things I'd like to give her. With a grin, I added, "To start with."
"There's more?" she asked, obviously taken aback.
"Well, if you're my wife," I said, loving the sound of the word on my lips, "then what's mine is yours... like tuition money. So there would be no problem with Dartmouth."
"Anything else?" she asked, cringing. "While you're already being absurd?"
"I wouldn't mind some time."
"No. No time. That's a deal breaker right there."
I let out a defeated sigh, though I hadn't really expected any other response. She'd been very clear about how important the time frame was to her. While I couldn't imagine it mattering a decade from now, or a century from now, Bella was insistent that she not be more than the year she already was older than me. "Just a year or two?" I pressed uselessly.
She shook her head. "Move along to the next one."
"That's it. Unless you'd like to talk cars..." Bella still wasn't smiling, but I couldn't contain my grin as I realized... we were negotiating. She was hesitant, yes, and completely uncooperative, but we were negotiating nonetheless. Starting with my marriage proposal. If she was truly considering saying yes to that, then I couldn't imagine anything I wouldn't give her in return.
I reached out and started idly playing with her hand, turning it over, tracing the inside of her wrist and making her shiver. I found myself staring at the diamond that was now hanging from her bracelet, and from there, my eyes drifted to her ring finger – the empty place I was beginning to let myself imagine wouldn't be empty for long.
"I didn't realize there was anything else you wanted besides being transformed into a monster yourself. I'm extremely curious." It was hard to hide the fear in my voice, but the weight of the moment was heavy on me. I felt certain that I would give her anything that was in my power to give, but was there anything she wanted that I couldn't give?
My mind started to race. The only thing I could think of was that she was having second thoughts about leaving someone behind. Charlie, perhaps, or her mother. What if she wanted to let them in on the secret, so that she could someday – when the bloodlust of newborn life had passed – see them again? We could never risk their safety like that. We'd barely managed to escape the Volturi's punishment for Bella knowing the truth, and that was only because Alice saw her becoming one of us. A fresh wave of panic set in. Did she want us to change one of them, so she wouldn't have to say good-bye? The thought was only fleeting – I knew Bella would never ask for something so selfish. Still, what else could she possibly be so worried about asking of me?
I hadn't been looking at her as my thoughts had been tormenting me, and when I tried to meet her eyes, I found that she was looking away as well. The curiosity was stifling. I was about to plead with her to put me out of my misery, when I noticed her cheeks had returned to my favorite shade of pink. Instinctively, my hand stretched out to touch her face, to feel the heat beneath my icy fingertips.
"You're blushing?" I asked, my curiosity intensifying as my nerves diminished. She wasn't going to ask me for something I couldn't give, just something she was embarrassed to ask for. Perhaps she really did want a fancy car, or an expensive ring, and she didn't know how to admit it. When she stayed silent, I urged softly, "Please, Bella, the suspense is painful."
Her only response was to bite her lip, and her fluttering heart only fueled my need to know. "Bella," I nearly begged.
"Well, I'm a little worried... about after," she said, her eyes finally meeting mine.
I felt my fists clench. She wanted to talk about those first few terrible months. Both Alice and Carlisle had encouraged me to be upfront and honest with her. The more she knew, the more prepared she would be. It made sense, in theory, but the idea of discussing the horror of the transformation itself, and the gnawing, aching pain of thirst, was not something I was prepared to talk to her about. I could barely fathom it myself, putting her through all that. I couldn't bear to think of it, but if she wanted to know –
"What has you worried?" I asked, steeling myself to give her whatever answers she felt she needed.
"All of you just seem so convinced that the only thing I'm going to be interested in, afterward, is slaughtering everyone in town." I shuddered as I pictured Bella, eyes blazing red, shaking with thirst, and us trying to contain her. "And I'm afraid," she continued, "I'll be so preoccupied with the mayhem that I won't be me anymore... and that I won't … I won't want you the same way I do now."
I relaxed slightly. If what she was worried about most was her feelings for me, at least I could assure her that, in time, they would return. In fact, I was fairly certain they would return, multiplied. I'd spent decades watching the way vampires love – completely, passionately. When you'd found your mate, not just for one lifetime, but for all eternity, everything was amplified. I was actually looking forward to Bella finally understanding exactly how much I loved her, lived for her. My existence would be nothing without her, and I hoped that joining the immortal world would make her see that more clearly.
"Bella, that part doesn't last forever," I promised.
"Edward," she said, sounding frustrated, likely doubting me, though I should be proof enough that the bloodlust doesn't dominate forever. "There's something that I want to do before I'm not human anymore."
I watched her, waiting for the big revelation, the something she wanted to do that she was afraid to ask me for. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt certain I should already know. Like this was the punchline to a joke everyone knew but me.
Bella sat there, face redder than I'd ever seen it. "Whatever you want," I told her.
"Do you promise?" she asked, eyes still not meeting mine.
That should have been the warning bell going off in my mind, but, fool in love that I was, I answered, "Yes. Tell me what you want, and you can have it."
She was staring intently at me now, looking more frightened than I'd ever seen her, and I'd certainly given her reason to be frightened before. I was baffled, even as she muttered, "You."
"I'm yours," I said, smiling until she turned away from me.
I was about to reach out to lift her chin so her eyes would meet mine again, but the next thing I knew, Bella was shifting her weight. She knelt in front of me, a surge of determination suddenly taking over her face and replacing the blush that had colored it moments before. Her arms were around my neck, her lips pressed firmly against mine, and my thoughts were gone. There was an urgency to her kiss that I'd never felt from her before, a need and a desire that I'd experienced, but had worked very hard to push away.
I knew it frustrated Bella that I only gave her a small fraction of what I was feeling, but there was no other way to keep her safe. If I let myself go the way I wanted to with her, the monster inside might reemerge and take over. I'd long ago put my thirst aside, banished it for fear that it would take my beloved away from me. I thought I'd lost her once, and I'd be damned before I lost her again.
Every kiss was a whisper of what I wanted to give, what I wanted to feel. Every touch was tainted by the restraint that was necessary to keep her alive. I could have grabbed hold of her and never let go, but for fear of suffocating her. I wanted to feel more, to feel everything that you're supposed to feel when you're with the one you love, but I couldn't. I wouldn't.
But Bella was kissing me wildly, and my insides were screaming, begging to feel more, to no longer be suppressed. Her lips were frantic, passionate against mine, and I felt cheated that I couldn't let myself relax and give in. I felt like I was cheating her by not being able to give more. I thought she was giving up, her frustration and disappointment with me too much to take, when she released me from her hold. I was almost relieved as my head started to clear – I'd been too far gone for my own liking. Then her lips were on mine again, still urgent, still pleading, and I felt her burning fingertips trail down my neck. My head still in a fog, I didn't realize what she was doing. The gesture was unfamiliar to me. Unfamiliar and ludicrous. Why, when I was as cold as ice, would she be trying to take my shirt off? Then I froze.
Bella. Was. Taking. My. Shirt. Off.
"Be reasonable, Bella," I said, pushing her away as gently as I could manage, give the circumstances.
"You promised – whatever I wanted." Even she knew that wasn't going to change anything. At least, I thought she knew.
"We're not having this discussion." I hated that my voice sounded so scathing, but I knew as I buttoned my shirt back up that the anger was only at myself, for having allowed it to go on that long. I should have realized. I shouldn't have let her think I we – that I –
My thoughts jumbled as I took in Bella's expression and saw that it was absolute fury. "I say we are," she snapped. Then, to my utter shock, she started trying to take her shirt off.
I didn't know what else to say, so I held her hands at her sides, stopping her from going any further, and repeated, "I say we're not."
Oddly enough, this felt like the most stubborn and juvenile conversation we'd ever had with each other. We are, we are not. It might have been amusing, except Bella was glaring at me like I was the cruelest person on Earth.
"You wanted to know," she finally muttered, a strange mix of irritation and disappointment.
"I thought it would be something faintly realistic."
"So you can ask for any stupid, ridiculous thing you want – like getting married – but I'm not allowed to even discuss what I – "
I couldn't listen anymore. I couldn't hear her tell me that the only thing in the world she wanted was the one thing I couldn't give her. I held both her hands in mine and gently placed my hand over her mouth. "No," I said firmly, though my voice must have conveyed my desperation. Thankfully, she didn't say another word. She stopped trying to unbutton my shirt, and hers, though I sensed we were far from finished discussing this. I sighed, tilting her chin up toward my face so she would look at me. "What now?"
"Nothing," she said, scowling.
When I looked into her eyes, all I expected to find was anger. That was fine, I deserved it – anger I could take – which was what made it so agonizing when I saw something I wasn't expecting. I couldn't put my finger on the emotion bubbling just under the surface, but there were tears filling her eyes, and the blush was returning to her cheeks.
"Did I hurt your feelings?" I asked, bewildered.
"No," she nearly spat. Her eyes shifted down again, and I could see it was taking a great deal of effort not to let the tears spill over. I would never get used to the fact that she didn't seem to know how much I wanted her, in every possible way. Just because I couldn't yet show her exactly how much, I felt it. Of course I felt it. She was everything. In one motion, I pulled Bella to me, pressing her cheek against my shoulder and softly grazing my fingers across the soft skin of her flushed cheeks. How she could ever doubt me, I didn't know, but I hoped the small gesture would comfort her and at least partly fix whatever damage I had done.
"You know why I have to say no," I whispered. "You know that I want you, too."
"Do you?" she argued.
"Of course I do, you silly, beautiful, oversensitive girl." It occurred to me then that it wasn't just my desire for her she was doubting – she'd never understood why every boy at school seemed to take an immediate interest in her, why they were fighting for her attention, why they all hated me. I laughed, though I didn't particularly like thinking about the number of people who'd been furious when Bella had taken me back after my long absence. Still, I wanted Bella to understand, and to get over this absurdly inaccurate way she regarded herself.
"Doesn't everyone?" I continued. "I feel like there's a line behind me, jockeying for position, waiting for me to make a big enough mistake... You're too desirable for your own good."
"Who's being silly now?" Her voice was still shaky, frustrated, and completely disbelieving.
"Do I have to send a petition around to get you to believe? Shall I tell you whose names would be on the top of the list? You know a few of them, but some might surprise you." Classmates she barely spoke to, a boy whose name she didn't even know who'd once been paired up with her in gym. Though I'd appreciated his looking out for her, he was almost as annoying as Mike Newton, trying his hand at chivalry in an attempt to keep Bella from getting hurt.
Bella shook her head, clearly not interested in her would-be suitors. "You're just trying to distract me. Let's get back to the subject. Tell me if I have anything wrong. Your demands are marriage," she said, shuddering, "paying my tuition, more time, and you wouldn't mind if my vehicle went a little faster." Finally, she lifted her eyes to look at mine. I was very happy to see she was no longer crying. "Did I get everything? That's a hefty list."
"Only the first is a demand," I reminded her. I felt myself beaming once again, as I sensed her wavering – considering it. "The others are merely requests."
"And my lone, solitary little demand is – "
"Demand?" I repeated the word, wondering how we'd gone from discussing the impossible, to Bella demanding it of me. What was it going to take to convince her I could never let myself risk her safety in such a way?
"Yes, demand," she said, all her nerves seemingly gone. I scrutinized her face, trying to figure out where her sudden confidence had come from. "Getting married is a stretch for me. I'm not giving in unless I get something in return."
So there it was. Bella would marry me, but only if I agreed to put her life in danger first. Perhaps this was all my fault. I'd always wanted Bella to have nothing but confidence in me and my ability to keep her safe. I had no doubt she knew I could stop any dangers that were coming from outside sources, that I would do anything and everything to keep her from ever feeling even the slightest pain again. I loved that she trusted me, but she seemed to be under the delusion that I could trust myself if I let my guard down, and that was not the case.
Every moment we were together, I was guarded. If Bella and I were together, truly together in every way, I could only begin to imagine how quickly my mind would forget to be careful with her. If all my senses were taken over by desire, and a kind of hunger that was completely new to me, how could she expect me to control my strength, and – though it pained me to even think of what I'd worked so hard to silence – my thirst?
"No," I whispered, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt my own voice shake slightly. I only hoped Bella hadn't noticed. I tried to infuse my next words with more finality. "It's not possible now. Later, when you're less breakable. Be patient, Bella."
"But that's the problem. It won't be the same when I'm less breakable. I won't be the same! I don't know who I'll be then."
"You'll still be Bella."
"If I'm so far gone that I'd want to kill Charlie – that I'd drink Jacob's blood or Angela's if I got the chance – how can that be true?"
"It will pass. And I doubt you'll want to drink the dog's blood." I cringed, imagining ever being so desperate with thirst that any of us would stoop to that level. I'd sooner take Bella up on her offer to move to Antarctica and feed on penguins. "Even as a newborn, you'll have better taste than that."
I'd expected Bella to either smile, or be upset with me for making light of things, but I'd underestimated her determination. "But that will always be what I want most, won't it?" she challenged. "Blood, blood, and more blood!"
There was a time when I would have agreed with her, but because of Bella, I'd learned that there was a force even more powerful than thirst. "The fact that you are still alive is proof that that is not true."
"Over eighty years later," she said, almost pouting. As if the idea of having to wait so long to want me again was unthinkable. In a way, it was flattering. Nevertheless, I wished she could understand that her concept of time was slightly skewed. Things were different when you could see forever stretched out in front of you. The early newborn years were a single grain of sand on an endless beach.
I was about to speak, to argue my case, but something in her expression stopped me in my tracks. There was such desperation, such longing, I lost my words. "What I meant was physically, though," she whispered. Somehow, her tone was still pleading. "Intellectually, I know I'll be able to be myself... after a while. But just purely physically – I will always be thirsty, more than anything else."
In her eyes, behind the look of affection I loved so much, I could see her desire for me. I saw what I'd never believed I could have – someone who loved me enough to trust me with their heart, body, and soul. And I wanted to give her everything in return. My heart she knew she had. My soul, if I still had one, was hers long ago as well. There was only one thing she was asking of me, and I still wasn't sure I could give it to her.
"So I will be different," she said flatly, misreading my silence. "Because right now, physically, there's nothing I want more than you. More than food or water or oxygen. Intellectually, I have my priorities in a slightly more sensible order. But physically..."
I'd barely noticed that through everything we'd been discussing, we hadn't moved a single inch. My fingers were still resting against her cheek, and in one quick motion, she turned her face so her lips were against my palm. Her warm breath saturated my skin, and I felt my insides twist into inexplicable knots. It was such a simple gesture, nothing particularly out of the ordinary, but somehow, it felt entirely new – new and wonderful. Instinctively, I wanted to weave my fingers into her hair and pull her closer. Unfortunately, that only made me more aware of the inherent problem with what Bella was asking. Every step we took forward from this point on would be new, and every new sensation made me feel less and less in control.
I took a deep breath and tried to remind myself that no matter what we wanted, Bella's safety was the only thing that really mattered. "Bella, I could kill you," I said. I wished my voice had sounded steadier.
"I don't think you could."
Bella's stubbornness was exactly what I needed to get my head back to where it needed to be. I'd spent so long trying to earn her trust, but in this one thing, I couldn't let her forget for a second what I was capable of. Without breaking her gaze, I reached behind me and pulled one of the metal flowers from the bed. As easily as if it were a real flower, I clasped my fingers around it and crumbled it into ash. Anger flashed in Bella's eyes.
"That's not what I meant. I already know how strong you are. You didn't have to break the furniture."
"What did you mean then?" I searched her face for any trace of the fear that should be there if she really understood what she was asking of me.
"Obviously not that you aren't physically able to hurt me, if you wanted to..." she explained. "More that, you don't want to hurt me... so much so that I don't think that you ever could."
I instantly started shaking my head, ready to deny her, but to a certain extent, she was right. I'd never explained it to her in those exact words, but the agony I'd felt when I'd believed she was dead was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I would have rather taken the fires of my transformation a thousand times over than to feel that again. Since then, the thirst I once thought unquenchable had all but disappeared, and any time I began to feel it, my thoughts quickly reminded me of why I was denying what I wanted physically. Nothing was as important as protecting Bella, especially not my own selfish desires.
Which brought us right back to the subject at hand. I hated myself for having considered, even for a split second, giving in. "It might not work like that, Bella," I protested, as much to myself and to her.
"Might," she repeated back to me, picking out perfectly the trace of doubt, and throwing it back at me – taunting me. I was standing my ground, though, ready to fight for Bella's safety, even when she was not.
"Exactly. Do you imagine I would ever take that kind of risk with you?"
Bella was watching me with calculating eyes, like she was trying to read behind my words. I hoped she wasn't still doubting my reasons for saying no. She had to know that refusing her in anything was not easy for me.
"Please," she whispered. "It's all I want. Please." Bella shut her eyes, absolutely desolate. I no longer knew whether or not she was aware of exactly how deeply she was shaking my resolve. All I could think of as I watched her desolate expression was that Bella was asking me for one last human experience – one that she would only ask of me, even if it meant her life was on the line – and I was finding it increasingly difficult to refuse her.
A moment passed and the only sound in the room was our syncopated breathing. Her eyes opened slowly, and she again whispered, "Please?"
I took a deep breath to steady myself, rummaging through my list of reasons not to take such a foolish chance with Bella's safety. It was hard enough to kiss her, to touch her face, to hold her in my arms, without momentarily forgetting my own strength. How could I expect to keep myself in check if all my senses were filled with her? To be with her, so adoring yet so vulnerable – what if I couldn't stop myself from needing to be closer, to hold her tighter?
No. No. I felt weak, and disgusted with myself. It was positively deplorable that we were even still discussing this. It wasn't a possibility. Not until she was changed. As my last ounce of resolve managed to resurface, Bella said the thing that, deep down, I'd known all along would defeat me.
"You don't have to make any guarantees. If it doesn't work out right, well, then that's that. Just let us try... only try. And I'll give you what you want. I'll marry you."
I was certain she was still talking – maybe she was listing off more things she'd be willing to concede on if I gave her this one wish. I couldn't hear a word, though. All I'd heard was, I'll marry you.
And then, please.
In a moment of cruel irony, I forgot my strength, and crushed Bella to me. If I hurt her, she didn't complain. I truly was a monster.
"This is unbearable," I whispered in her ear. "So many things I've wanted to give you – and this is what you decide to demand. Do you have any idea how painful it is, trying to refuse you when you plead with me this way?"
"Then don't refuse." Her voice was so sure, so absolutely confident that this could work, I found I didn't have it in me to argue anymore. "Please," she whispered again, but it was unnecessary. I was already too far gone.
"Bella..." I sighed, brushing my lips across her perfect skin, breathing in her scent until everything inside me ached. I could feel her pressing herself closer to me, and I tried with every last shred of conscious thought to attempt to be gentle with her. She certainly wasn't making it easy, as her lips found mine with a tortured desperation. She was still trying to get me to give in, and all I wanted was to give her everything she desired. I reached up to hold her face in my hands, returning her kiss with all the fervor she was showing me. It was new, and agonizing, and amazing – and I couldn't stop.
An unbidden guest, thirst raked violently at my throat, and the pain I'd tried to escape was making up for its long absence by screaming at me louder than ever. Yet I felt no urge to give in. I felt a small victory as I realized we'd been right about that aspect – my need to protect her would keep the monster at bay. I would never be able to guarantee that I wouldn't accidentally hold her too tightly, or kiss her with too much enthusiasm, but my thirst, at least, still appeared to be in control.
With a new sense of confidence, I smiled as Bella wrapped her arms around my neck, her blazing hot lips caressing my skin as she trembled in my arms. When her lips momentarily parted from mine, I saw that her cheeks were red – flushed with excitement, rather than her usual nervousness or embarrassment. While Bella caught her breath, I scattered kisses across her heated skin, down her neck and across her collarbone. She sighed in contentment as her hands reached down to the buttons of my shirt.
Before I knew it, my shirt was open, and Bella's fingertips were tracing delicate lines on my chest. Not accustomed to the sensation, I was surprised when something almost like a shiver raced through my veins. I felt physically weak for the first time in my very long second life, and I was like a puppet in Bella's hands as she pulled my mouth back to hers. I was barely aware of how tightly I was holding on as I tugged on her waist, pressing her closer. I felt her reach up to her own shirt, and she began fumbling with the buttons.
Without thinking, I opened my eyes and my gaze caught her left hand. The empty spot on her ring finger reminded me of exactly how we'd gotten to this place. Bella had agreed to marry me. Marry me. The words rang in my ears, and I was blindsided as it occurred to me that I hadn't even gotten to ask her properly. All this time, I'd been so focused on finding the right words, saying them in the right place at the right time. Now, somehow I was an engaged man who'd still never gotten to really propose. It had all happened so quickly, and I felt my body tense as I realized I'd gone about this all wrong. Everything we were doing was going about things all wrong.
In the first moment of clarity I'd felt since Bella had pressed her lips to mine, I remembered where I was, and when it was. Bella might have convinced me that it would be possible to try, but there was something else that needed to happen first. I wasn't sure Bella would understand – I didn't even know where to begin – but I knew that I wanted to be married to Bella before we went any further.
"Bella," I said softly, my lips to her ear. "Would you please stop trying to take your clothes off?"
"Do you want to do that part?" she asked breathlessly.
"Not tonight." I kissed her cheek lightly. I didn't want her to be disappointed, but we just couldn't – at least not yet.
"Edward, don't – " The pained desperation was back in her voice, so I spoke quickly, unable to stand hearing her sadness for another second.
"I'm not saying no. I'm just saying not tonight."
I counted three deep breaths before she spoke again. "Give me one good reason why tonight is not as good as any other night."
"I wasn't born yesterday," I said, laughing a little as the tension of the moment dissipated slightly. "Out of the two of us, which do you think is more unwilling to give the other what they want?" I'd already been so close to giving in, so close to forgetting everything about the way it should be. I didn't want Bella to see how unsettling that fact was to me, though, so I attempted to keep things light. After all, we were still working out the details of our compromise. This time frame, like everything else, should be up for discussion.
"You just promised to marry me before you do any changing," I said, unsuccessfully trying to hide my smile as I said the words, "but if I give in tonight, what guarantee do I have that you won't go running off to Carlisle in the morning? I am – clearly – much less reluctant to give you what you want. Therefore... you first."
She let out an exasperated sigh. "I have to marry you first?"
"That's the deal – take it or leave it. Compromise, remember?" Then, without another word, I picked up where we'd left off before I'd come to my senses, only this time, I was thinking more clearly. I was aware of every shallow breath Bella was taking, and completely conscious of the way her heart was racing as she tangled her fingers in my hair. I almost laughed at myself for not realizing what she was trying to ask of me earlier.
"I think that's a really bad idea," she whispered, her voice shaking.
"I'm not surprised you feel that way," I answering, grinning. "You have a one-track mind."
"How did this happen? I thought I was holding my own tonight – for once – and now, all of a sudden – "
"You're engaged." I couldn't stop the word from tumbling out of my lips. I'd waited so long to say it.
"Ew! Please don't say that out loud."
"Are you going back on your word?" I asked, though her flushed skin made me fairly confident she wasn't. Her heart was racing, and she there was an excitement and a passion in her eyes I'd rarely, if ever, seen. "Are you?" I repeated.
"Ugh! No. I'm not. Are you happy now?"
I'd never felt more ecstatic or more alive. I may not have gotten my romantic proposal, but the fact remained – Bella was going to be my wife. "Exceptionally," I said, my heart feeling like it would somehow find a way to beat again, just to show her how happy she'd made me.
My elation was put on hold as Bella groaned again, and I knew none of this meant anything if it wasn't what she wanted. "Aren't you happy at all?" I asked her, then kissed her, trying to infuse it with all of my joy and excitement. Please, please, be happy, was all I could think.
When my mouth finally parted from hers, I could taste adrenaline in her breath. "A little bit," she admitted, eyes still shut, her tongue unconsciously tracing her lower lip. "But not about getting married," she added, her eyes opening to find me smiling at her again. Her stubbornness was as adorable as usual, and I found myself kissing her again.
"Do you get the feeling that everything is backward?" I whispered, my lips moving to her ear. I loved listening to her racing heartbeat as my cool breath washed over her. "Traditionally, shouldn't you be arguing my side, and I yours?"
"There isn't much that's traditional about you and me."
"True," I agreed, finding it hard to keep myself from kissing her more. Then I remembered, with a rush of enthusiasm, that she was my bride-to-be. I didn't have to stop kissing her. Ever. My fingers traced down her side, raising goosebumps all over her skin. She sighed as my lips scattered kisses across her cheeks, down her throat, to the base of her neck. I inhaled deeply, my nose skimming lightly from one side of her collarbone to the other. It was agony, and it was perfection, and I relished the burn it elicited because it was so completely and extraordinarily Bella – and she was mine.
"Look, Edward," she gasped when my lips moved to the palm of her hand. "I said I would marry you, and I will. I promise. I swear. If you want, I'll sign a contract in my own blood."
"Not funny," I muttered, my nose moving to her wrist, where her scent was even more potent. Some might call it masochism, but I couldn't stop myself. Somehow, knowing she was ready to bind herself to me in every way made me that much more desperate to memorize everything about her now, so I could take it all with me after she was changed. We would always have this first life together, and I wanted to be able to tell her everything about it when it was nothing more than a distant human memory to her.
"What I'm saying is this – I'm not going to trick you or anything. You know me better than that. So there's really no reason to wait. We're completely alone – how often does that happen? – and you've provided this very large and comfortable bed..."
"Not tonight," I repeated.
"Don't you trust me?"
"Of course I do."
With a look of confusion, Bella pushed me away and stared into my eyes. She could see that there was more than I was saying – but how could I explain it right? People today might call it an old-fashioned idea, but to me, it was such a simple idea. If you were lucky enough to find the person that made life worth living, then you wanted to promise them forever. Marriage meant, "I love you, and I will never want anything more than to share my life with you." Then, after you'd made that promise to your love, in front of everyone who mattered in your life, you would seal that promise by giving yourself to them – completely, joyfully, and without a trace of fear.
"Then what's the problem?" she pressed. "It's not like you didn't know you were going to win in the end. You always win," she added glumly.
"Just hedging my bets." I waited, knowing she wouldn't leave it at that, and tried to think of how to best explain it. A hundred years of differences seemed to be staring me in the face. I knew why it couldn't be tonight, but would she understand?
"There's something else," she said, scrutinizing my face. "Are you planning to go back on your word?"
"No," I promised. She'd already given me a taste of what she wanted – of what I wanted as well. And she'd agreed to marry me. There was no going back. Even against my better judgment, I'd made her a vow of my own. "I swear to you, we will try. After you marry me."
She shook her head and laughed under her breath, the strangest expression on her face, and I wondered if she'd just put the pieces together. "You make me feel like a villain in a melodrama – twirling my mustache while I try to steal some poor girl's virtue."
I think she was expecting me to laugh along with her, but, although I didn't particularly like her comparing herself to a seedy villain, the analogy was close enough to the truth. Not quite ready to say the words out loud, I resumed what seemed to be a relatively decent distraction – kissing her collarbone.
"That's it, isn't it?" she gasped, undeterred. "You're trying to protect your virtue!" Her eyes widened with shock as her hands reached up to cover her mouth. I could see she was biting back laughter. It wasn't exactly the reaction I'd been expecting.
"No, silly girl," I said, still kissing her shoulder. "I'm trying to protect yours. And you're making it shockingly difficult."
"Of all the ridiculous – "
"Let me ask you something," I said, interrupting her. If we were going to have this discussion, I was not going to let it start with her calling it ridiculous. I may have been brought up in a different time, but that did not make my beliefs ridiculous – all it meant was that I was trying to hold onto at least some of who I used to be. "We've had this discussion before, but humor me. How many people in this room have a soul? A shot at heaven, or whatever there is after this life?"
"Two," she answered without hesitation. It was quite nearly enough to make even me a believer.
"All right. Maybe that's true," I conceded. "Now, there's a world full of dissension about this, but the vast majority seem to think that there are some rules that have to be followed."
"Vampire rules aren't enough for you? You want to worry about the human ones, too?"
"It couldn't hurt," I said, shrugging. I'd been human once, and Bella was human for a little while longer. If Bella and Carlisle ended up being right about our souls, it seemed only right that we should try to follow whatever human rules we could. "Just in case," I added, smiling, though Bella only glared back at me. "Now, of course, it might be too late for me, even if you are right about my soul."
"No, it isn't," she said sharply. Her faith in me was unshakable.
"'Thou shalt not kill' is commonly accepted by most major belief systems. And I've killed a lot of people, Bella."
"Only the bad ones."
"Maybe that counts, maybe it doesn't. But you haven't killed anyone – "
"That you know about," she mumbled, and I smiled, remembering the way she'd once talked about wanting to run over Tyler with her truck after he'd told everyone he was taking her to the prom.
"And I'm going to do my best to keep you out of temptation's way," I continued.
"Okay. But we weren't fighting over committing murder."
"The same principle applies – the only difference is that this is the one area in which I'm just as spotless as you are. Can't I leave one rule unbroken?"
"One?" she asked, eyebrow raised.
"You know that I've stolen, I've lied, I've coveted... my virtue is all I have left." I smirked, daring her to argue with me. Shouldn't she want to help me keep at least one area of my life unspotted?
"I lie all the time," she argued.
"Yes, but you're such a bad liar that it doesn't really count. No one believes you."
"I really hope you're wrong about that – because otherwise Charlie is about to burst through the door with a loaded gun."
I thought about all the times I'd heard traces of doubt or wariness in Charlie's thoughts, but every time, he seemed to talk himself out of whatever was bothering him. He trusted Bella, to the point that it often made me feel guilty about keeping so much from him. Of course, there would always be things about our world we could never tell Charlie, but at least after Bella and I were married, he would know that she'd chosen me, and we would never have to hide in order to be together.
"Charlie is happier when he pretends to swallow your stories. He'd rather lie to himself than look too closely." I almost added that in the brief time I'd spent with her mother, I'd seen she was the same way, but I was sure Bella already knew.
"But what did you ever covet?" she asked, still watching me with a hint of confusion. "You have everything."
"I coveted you. I had no right to want you – but I reached out and took you anyway." There were times I still couldn't shake the guilt of having taken Bella out of the world where she rightfully belonged, but with her sitting next to me, talking about our future together so calmly, everything just fit so perfectly. How could she belong anywhere else? Of course, her still heated skin and racing heart also helped cement the idea that we belonged together. It had taken me so long to get used to the idea that someone as fragile and perfect as Bella could ever want to be with a monster like me, the notion that we were discussing her wanting more seemed almost absurd. I smiled, my voice teasing. "And now look what's become of you! Trying to seduce a vampire."
"You can covet what's already yours," Bella said, her tone absolutely matter of fact. I was still trying to get used to the idea that she considered herself mine long before I allowed myself to believe it. "Besides, I thought it was my virtue you were worried about."
"It is. If it's too late for me... Well, I'll be damned – no pun intended – if I'll let them keep you out, too."
"You can't make me go somewhere you won't be," she protested. "That's my definition of hell. Anyway, I have an easy solution to all this; let's never die, all right?"
"Sounds simple enough. Why didn't I think of that?" I smiled as I let her words sink in. Very soon, I wouldn't have to fear for her safety anymore. We would be married, and we would have eternity stretched out before us. For the first time in my second life, the concept of forever felt like a gift.
We'd gotten so far off track from where our discussion had started, I wondered what was going through Bella's mind. A few seconds later, she let out a frustrated breath.
"So that's it. You won't sleep with me until we're married."
I almost rolled my eyes at her. We'd spoken of marriage and souls, heaven and hell, yet her mind was still very firmly on picking up where I'd stopped her.
"Technically, I can't ever sleep with you," I teased.
"Very mature, Edward."
"But, other than that detail, yes, you've got it right."
"I think you have an ulterior motive," she said, accusing.
"Another one?"
"You know this will speed things up."
Surprisingly, I hadn't even thought of it. Bella had said she would marry me, and that was all that mattered at the moment. Now that she'd said it, however, I was wishing I could whisk her away and make my vows tonight.
"There is only one thing I want to speed up, and the rest can wait forever... but for that, it's true, your impatient human hormones are my most powerful ally at this point."
"I can't believe I'm going along with this. When I think of Charlie... and Renee! Can you imagine what Angela will think? Or Jessica? Ugh. I can hear the gossip now."
I looked at her, silently posing the question I didn't quite have the heart to ask aloud. How could she possibly be worried about what her friends would think of her getting married when she had no plans to ever see any of them again? I quickly reminded myself that not caring what anyone thinks is an art that had taken me and my family decades to learn. It made sense that Bella would be worried about appearances – it was a very human reaction, and she was, for the time being, still human.
"It doesn't have to be a big production. I don't need any fanfare. You won't have to tell anyone or make any changes. We'll go to Vegas – you can wear old jeans and we'll go to the chapel with the drive-through window. I just want it to be official – that you belong to me and no one else."
"It couldn't be any more official than it already is," she protested.
"We'll see about that." I sincerely hoped that when we did make it official, Bella would stop feeling like marriage was just a piece of paper. I wanted her to feel the power that came with the irrefutable knowledge that we'd vowed to love only each other – that for all eternity, there would never be anything we would want more than to be together. I wanted to believe that her trepidation over the whole concept of marriage truly did have to do with appearances, and that when she was standing beside me, making her vows, she would do so with joy in her heart and love in her eyes.
I spoke my next words carefully, and without a great deal of hope. For all my planning and longing, I still hadn't gotten to actually propose, so I asked, "I suppose you don't want your ring now?"
Her eyes widened nervously, and her heart skipped a beat. "You suppose correctly."
I couldn't help but laugh at my Bella – how many times had I said she feared all the wrong things? "That's fine. I'll get it on your finger soon enough."
Her eyes narrowed. "You talk like you already have one."
"I do," I said, grinning as I pictured my mother's ring on her hand, then added casually, "Ready to force upon you at the first sign of weakness."
"You're unbelievable."
"Do you want to see it?" I asked, realizing that just because she wasn't ready to wear it, didn't mean I couldn't share it with her. Unfortunately, my excitement was quickly shot down.
"No!" she shrieked, managing to further crush my hope that she might someday actually want to wear it. My face must have betrayed my disappointment, and she added, halfheartedly, "Unless you really want to show it to me."
"That's all right. It can wait." Maybe, if Bella's impatience didn't send us running off to Vegas, I would have another opportunity to present it to her properly.
She let out a sigh. "Show me the damn ring, Edward." Clearly, she was determined to ruin everything about this moment for me.
"No," I said flatly, shaking my head. I heard a tiny voice in the back of my mind, calling me a fool. Why was I so excited? She'd only agreed to marry me because she wanted something I wasn't willing to give her without it. She didn't like the idea of having to tell her friends or her family. She didn't want to see the ring that meant so much to me – that I so desperately wanted her to have. She'd told me I always win, but if it was all a game to her, could I really call it a victory?
Bella must have seen something in my eyes – something I didn't know how to say out loud – because her expression softened. "Please?" she asked, and I exhaled in disbelief. She was just trying to appease me, I reminded myself. Then, she lifted her hand and brushed her fingers across my cheeks. The tenderness of the gesture was so far from the tense, unyielding posture she'd shown me throughout our whole exchange, I was left baffled. "Please can I see it?" she asked.
I stared into her eyes, searching for any trace of the fear that I knew still lurked behind them, but came up short. She'd managed to push it completely away in her attempt to make me happy. I knew it wasn't what she wanted, I knew it wouldn't mean to her what it meant to me. Yet I couldn't stop myself. She was asking to see the ring that now belonged to her, and I could not refuse.
"You are the most dangerous creature I've ever met," I complained, moving quickly to retrieve the ring from where it had been sitting, waiting – relentlessly reminding me of its presence. I sat down beside her, not having the heart to look at her if she cringed when she opened it. I put my arm around Bella – my safe harbor, the only one I would ever want – and placed the small box on her knee.
"Go ahead and look, then," I said, hating that I could hear the bitterness in my own voice. This should have been a different moment, one filled with roses and candles and music. Why had I let her coerce me like this?
Holding my breath, I watched as she touched the box lightly, examining it before she opened it. "You didn't spend a lot of money, did you? Lie to me, if you did."
I should have known she would be worried about accepting anything I'd spent money on, and I breathed a short sigh of relief that there was at least one concern I could alleviate. "I didn't spend anything. It's just another hand-me-down. This is the ring my father gave to my mother."
"Oh," she said. As I felt her relax slightly, I allowed myself a bit of excitement again. Her fingers were resting on the lid now, and in her hesitation, I saw another opportunity. It occurred to me that it was the ring's significance that was making her wary, and if I could lighten the mood again, perhaps she would be able to relax even further and actually enjoy seeing it for the first time.
"I suppose it's a little outdated. Old-fashioned, just like me. I can get you something more modern. Something from Tiffany's?" I teased.
Blushing just enough to make my heart soar, she said, "I like old-fashioned things," and then opened the box to reveal my mother's ring. There was a long pause and neither of us spoke or breathed – the silence was heavy around us. I finally found my courage enough to look at Bella's face, and I nearly pulled her into my arms when I saw one side of her mouth curled into a smile. My muscles ached as I forced myself to stay still. She touched the ring like it was made of glass, and whispered, "It's so pretty."
"Do you like it?" I asked, my voice thick with emotion that I was completely and utterly unable to hide.
"It's beautiful. What's not to like?" she said, shrugging lightly, but this time, she couldn't convince me. I'd seen the ring's reflection in her glassy eyes. All joking aside, she knew what it meant, and even if she wasn't ready to let me place it on her finger, she knew it belonged to her now, and always.
"See if it fits," I said, unable to resist the urge to see her wearing it, even if only briefly. Her hand clenched and I saw the hesitation return to her eyes. "Bella, I'm not going to solder it to your finger. Just try it on so I can see if it needs to be sized. Then you can take it right off."
"Fine," she sighed. She started to reach for the ring, but there was no way I was letting her put it on herself. I'd gone about everything else so wrong, there was one thing I was determined to get right. I hadn't been able to say the words I'd practiced, Bella hadn't accepted graciously or with any particular amount of enthusiasm, she wouldn't let me even speak the word engaged – but I was going to place this ring on her finger.
I heard her take a deep breath in as I slid my mother's ring onto her finger, and when it was in place, I lifted Bella's hand so we could both look at it. If there had ever been a moment I'd been desperate to read her mind, this would have been it.
"A perfect fit," I breathed, trying once again to keep my voice casual. Anything I could do to stop her from ripping it off her finger that very second. I wasn't ready yet. "That's nice," I continued. "Saves me a trip to the jeweler's."
I couldn't take my eyes off of it, though I could feel Bella had turned to stare at me. It really was perfect, like it was meant to be hers. I'm sure it must seem like the most insignificant of details – we'd certainly proved in far more concrete ways that we belonged together – but I couldn't help the intense joy of knowing that nothing about the ring would have to be altered. If Bella would let me, I could leave it there forever.
"You like that, don't you?" she finally asked, moving her hand just slightly so that the dim lights in the room caught every gemstone.
My casual tone was threatening to break away and reveal everything I was feeling, but I fought against it. "Sure," I said, shrugging. "It looks very nice on you."
I think if I'd kept staring at the ring, if I'd resisted the urge to look into the eyes of the woman who would soon be my wife, I could have kept up the pretense a little while longer. Instead, though, I turned to Bella, and when my gaze met hers, I could see our entire future in her eyes. Without fear, I saw her eyes turning golden, her skin becoming pale. I could almost feel what it would be like to touch her skin and not feel the heat I'd grown so accustomed to. I saw Bella, my wife, standing alongside my family. I saw her in the sunlight, skin like diamonds, holding my hand and laughing at some shared secret.
The next thing I knew, my fingers were twined with hers and my lips were moving against her lips as best I could manage through the smile that could no longer be contained. I kissed her nose, her eyelids, then down her cheek until my mouth was at her ear, whispering, "Yes, I like it. You have no idea."
Miraculously, my exuberance appeared to have alleviated whatever concerns she still had, and she laughed the most beautiful of laughs. "I believe you."
I wasn't sure whether it was the sound of her laughter, or the sudden but definite joy in her eyes, or the crystal clear visions of what our life together would soon be, but I knew then that I was never going to have another moment as perfect as this to, officially, ask for her hand.
"Do you mind if I do something?" I asked, hugging her tightly, not sure if I'd be able to let go long enough to do this right.
"Anything you want." She must have been as unwilling as I was to end our embrace, because when I let go, she muttered, "Anything but that."
A look of surprise and confusion crossed Bella's face when I pulled her off the bed with me. Considering all that had just transpired, I found it difficult to believe she didn't know what I was doing, although it did make it more enjoyable. I placed my hands on her shoulders, needing to steady myself as much as her.
"Now, I want to do this right. Please, please, keep in mind that you've already agreed to this, and don't ruin it for me."
Understanding flickered as I dropped to one knee. "Oh, no," she said.
"Be nice," I pleaded. She must have seen the desperation in my eyes because she took a deep breath.
"Isabella Swan? I promise to love you forever – every single day of forever. Will you marry me?"
My hundred years of existence didn't feel as long at that single moment, and no word that had ever been uttered sounded as beautiful as Bella's answer.
"Yes," she whispered, her eyes glowing and adoring.
I didn't know what else to say, so I answered, "Thank you." She'd given me everything. Happiness I didn't think was possible, love I knew I didn't deserve – a friend, a partner, a reason to exist. I kissed each of her fingers before kissing the ring that had been meant for her all along. "Thank you," I tried to whisper again, but nothing came out. For the first time in my long life, emotion had rendered me speechless.