DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.
DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.
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NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. PLEASE NOTE that if I have not responded to your review, it is either an accident for not seeing it in the story and author alerts or that you sent it anonymously or I am unable to answer it. I take pride in answering each and every review, but every once in awhile I will miss one.
Chapter 6 – Some People Are So Stupid
The days passed and soon the Christmas holidays were upon the castle. Hagrid brought in the trees and Professors Flitwick and McGonagall decorated them with style. The mood around the castle was that of a lively affair. Most of the professors just ignored the four ninja sumo wrestlers when they came near their classrooms. Many of the professors had agreements with the entities that they would not destroy or interrupt their classes with their war. Minerva was still worried about the DADA classes as they were still being taught by Harry and Hermione. It was during the staff meeting that the subject was broached.
"Albus," said Minerva. "Come out from under your desk and talk to us. We need to know what to do about the DADA classes. Harry and Hermione are still teaching the first years."
"First off," said Albus from under his desk. "I will NOT come out. My robes are still beating the hell out of me at every turn. Next I want to point out that the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw first years are getting top scores in DADA with boy and girl teaching. So if it isn't broken don't fix it."
"Surely you can't continue to let two first years teach an important subject such as DADA," said Pomona tugging on his arm trying to get him to come out. "They need to be taught by an adult that is proficient in the subject. I sat in on the class the other day and while I was impressed with both Mr. Potter and Miss Granger, I am concerned by the actions of Quirrel and Voldiesnorts. They kept interrupting the class."
"Really?" asked Minerva. "What was happening? What are the two of them doing to upset the class?"
"They wanted to teach the class how to knit," said Pomona. "They are trying to teach the class things that have no business being in a classroom. That is when they two of them aren't demonstrating how to kill your self. I think learning the defensive spells and such are a lot more important than what pattern to use to make a sweater or the fifty ways to throw your self off of a building."
"If it is any consolation," said Filius. "I have been training both Mr. Potter and Miss Granger in the evenings in the subject of DADA. So at least they are learning the material needed to pass on to that particular class. Even at the rate they are going, the first years in that class will pass the course for the year."
"Thank you Filius," said Minerva as she grabbed Dumbledore's other arm and helped Pomona pull him out from under the desk.
The two women sat him in his chair and at threat of wand usage made him stay sitting.
"Now," said Pomona huffing for breath. "We need to get a new Defense professor in this school. You may not want to do anything about the situation, but we do. Having Voldiesport in the castle is not doing us any good."
"As long as he is within our sights and not causing anyone any damage then I don't see what the problem is," said Dumbledore stubbornly. "I am less worried about him and more worried about Harry Potter."
Eleven Bubble Head Charms were cast as Albus farted and flew over his desk into a crumpled heap on the floor. No sooner had he landed, when his robes appeared and put him in the Scorpion Death Lock. Dumbledore was beating on the floor in pain. Severus and Minerva sighed as Hagrid was finally able to tap the floor three times claiming the robes the victor of the match. When that was done, the robes pointed to Dumbledore and then to itself and then made an obscene gesture as well as a choking gesture before floating away. Albus promptly fainted.
"Severus, have you been able to fix Mr. Malfoy's hair?" asked Minerva.
"I was finally able to create the counter and his hair is now blond," said Severus. "It does still have a blue tint to it. There is not much I can do about that until it grows out and he can cut it. It is however soft again and not sticking straight up on his head."
"Well that is a good thing," said Minerva. "At least he isn't a spotlight in the classroom anymore. Have we had any more incidences with him recently?"
"Yes," said Pomona. "That stupid child just doesn't learn when to quit. I swear he has a death wish. He actually hit Miss Granger with a shovel and the plants beat the living hell out of him."
"Merlin," exclaimed Minerva. "Was he seriously hurt?"
"I doubt it," said Pomona dismissively. "They were going to quarter him before I stepped in. Harry had to help me convince them to not kill him."
"What do you mean?" asked Filius.
"Four different vines grabbed an arm or leg each and were attempting to pull him in four different directions," explained Pomona. "We had to stop them before they got too far."
"What are you going to do about it?" asked Severus.
"He is banned from my classes," said Pomona. "He will have to repeat Herbology next year."
"That will make him a year behind his class mates in that subject," observed Minerva writing it down. "Something tells me that Lucius is not going to be happy about that."
"Well it is Draco's own fault," said Pomona. "The prefects are working overtime preventing the house from killing him. I have to spell him into a room at night to keep the students from attacking him while he sleeps. Thanks to him we are a negative four hundred points and that is mainly due to him losing points all the time for his mouth and actions. The only thing that is keeping Hufflepuff floating is the fact that Harry Potter is earning points."
"Well I am going to award Hufflepuff four hundred points for the prefects keeping Malfoy safe," said a generous Minerva. "We seriously need to get him out of there before someone kills him."
"Lucius will be here soon," said Severus. "That is a given. He is furious that Draco is not in Slytherin. To be perfectly honest, I don't want him in my house. I just don't know what to do with the child. If it isn't students that want to kill him it's the castle and everything in it. Yesterday his own cauldron grabbed him around the head and was trying to drown him. I swear that boy is just plain stupid."
"I still say that it is all the fault of Harry Potter," said Dumbledore.
The pictures behind him caught on fire causing the occupants to flee when he passed gas. The desk flipped over and Fawkes was forced into a burning day.
"For Merlin's sake Dumbledore," snapped Minerva gasping for breath. "Will you stop saying his name before you kill someone? Why is it that every time that something goes wrong in the castle, you automatically point the finger of blame at him? He is a very generous child with good manners that is the top of his year. He is passing every single subject including History of Magic."
"I do have to say that, that especially is impressive," said Severus. "Even I had trouble staying awake in that class. I think I got an acceptable on my OWL."
At that moment the door of the Head Master's office opened and the robes came back in. They grabbed Albus by his ankles and dragged him out of the room howling and screaming. The others in the room just stood there with a resigned look on their faces. When they saw him later in the day, his head had been shaved and his beard was tied up around his neck in a bow. He was also porting two black eyes and he was limping.
"What in the hell happened to you this time?" asked Minerva.
"The robes dragged me outside and shaved my head," said Albus. "Then they did this to my beard. When they were done with that, they tried to shove my own leg up my arse. I tell you they will end up killing me if they don't quit."
"How did you get the black eyes?" she asked pointing. "You do know that if you quit your machinations, then your robes will probably leave you alone."
"I was used as a toboggan," said Albus ignoring her last comment. "I was slammed into some bushes and I got hit in the face often. I am terrified that they will end up killing me. If this doesn't stop soon I will be forced to leave the castle."
"Children," called Voldemort. "Come out and play. It is time for Red Rover. Then we will play patty cake and something about baking a man. I have a good recipe for roasted man."
Minerva sighed as she grabbed the DADA Professor and steered him back to his quarters. This was getting seriously out of hand.
The next day during lunch, the sound of a huge fart filled the castle. What the students did not expect was for the doors to fling wide open and the music from Bob Seager's Old Time Rock and Roll sounded. Those that were muggleborn knew the music. Harry was staring in horror at what might happen next. Soon Hermione was consoling him as he started to cry. Dumbledore came sliding into the Great Hall wearing a pair of socks, sunglasses, and a red thong. As the music played, Dumbledore was shaking his butt to the beat of the music. When he turned to the different tables, the sound of vomiting could be heard as many of the students who were not trying to gouge out their eyes were busy puking. Up at the staff table, the professors were so shocked that none of them could do anything but sit there and gawk at the spectacle before them. When the music finished, Dumbledore stood there not sure what to do next. Minerva decided that something needed to be done about the situation. She grabbed the newspaper and walked over to Dumbledore and grabbed his head and slammed it to the table.
"BAD BAD BAD BAD," she said over and over beating him soundly with the newspaper while rubbing his nose in the mess the students made with his little performance. "What have I told you about blaming Mr. Potter for your stupidity? Did I not tell you to leave that poor boy alone? You should feel lucky that this is all that I am doing to you."
At that moment the ninja sumo wrestlers appeared and started fighting in the Great hall. They stepped on Dumbledore and one of them even picked up the old man's leg and started to wield it like a sword at his opponent. When they moved on, the robes dropped from the ceiling knocking all of the air out of him causing him to shit on the floor. Minerva started to usher the students out of the hall while the robes started to place Dumbledore in a figure four leg lock causing the old wizard to scream in pain.
"Professor McGonagall," said Hermione. "I think we need to give something to poor Harry. I don't think his nerves can take to much more."
"Help Mr. Diggory get him to his room," she said. "I will have Poppy give him a sedative to help calm him down. We may have to bring Petunia to the castle before the poor boy has a nervous breakdown. I just don't understand why Dumbledore and Malfoy won't leave Harry alone. It is like they are asking for something serious to happen to them with all of their shenanigans. I will eventually have to contact the Minister of Magic about this."
Hermione nodded to Minerva and between her and Cedric they got Harry to his common room. Neville and Blaise were there to help the crying young man get into his bed. Hermione sat at Harry's desk and wrote a quick note to Petunia.
Dear Mrs. Dursley
My name is Hermione Granger and I am writing on behalf of Harry. We think you may have to come to the castle and help with him. Between Dumbledore, Snape, and Malfoy, we think Harry will cry himself to death or something. Head Master Dumbledore and Draco Malfoy are the worst of the lot and they just keep going after Harry. Professor Dumbledore is actually trying to get into Harry's vaults. If you CAN come to the castle please send a reply and I am sure that Professor McGonagall will send someone out to get you.
Thank you
Hermione Granger
She gave the letter to Hedwig and told her it was for Petunia. The owl looked at Harry and hooted in agreement and flew out of the window. Hours later, Harry was sitting in his room having been given a Calming Draft. Hedwig came back with a reply from Petunia.
Dear Miss Granger
Please send someone to my house at Number Four Privet Drive to get me immediately. I am going to start kicking some ass for those that are putting my nephew through that much drama and bullshit. Please keep him safe until I arrive. As far as Dumbledore getting his hands on Harry's vaults, he will have a hard time if he has no hands to do it with. I will get there as soon as possible. Thank you for alerting me of the dangers and trouble. You might want to suggest to Professor McGonagall to send for Remus Lupin as well. He is a friend of James and Lily.
Sincerely Petunia Dursley
Hermione raced out of Harry's common room and searched for Professor McGonagall. When she found the teacher, she gave her the letter. After reading it, Minerva went into action sending a letter to Remus telling him to stop at Privet Drive and pick up Petunia on his way to the school. The next day, Petunia and Remus entered the Great Hall with fury in their eyes.
"What in the hell are you doing to my nephew?" asked Petunia. "I send him here to this school to be taught and Miss Granger is under the impression that he is about to have a nervous breakdown."
"It is his entire fault," said Minerva pointing to Albus. "This old fool can't seem to get it out of his head to leave Harry alone. We are not interested in harming Harry. Only Dumbledore, Malfoy, and every now and then Voldespark are causing problems. Otherwise, Harry is top of his year in grades and has the manners of a saint. He is a joy to teach and even Severus has learned to leave the boy alone."
"So what?" Draco yelled. "Potty has to have his family come and defend him from the big bad Head Master? Is he some kind of pussy?"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth then he was flung upside down and his shorts pulled away from his ass. The chandelier came down and started to spank him. Petunia stood there with Remus in shock as the castle started to discipline the boy.
"This is what happens when someone says or does anything that hurts wimpy little Harry Potter's feelings," said Dumbledore.
Sounds of people hitting the floor followed as the fart blew Minerva and Hagrid off their feet. Petunia and Remus ran from the room to go vomit from the smell.
"What in the hell is all of that?" asked Remus. "That was the most awful smell I have ever witnessed in my life. How is it that the students are not sick from it?"
"They are used to it," said Pomona handing each a cold wash cloth. "That happens so often in the castle that most of the students wear the muggle car fresheners around their necks like jewelry. I am Professor Sprout. I teach the students Herbology. You must be Remus and Petunia. I enjoy teaching Harry. He is such a great kid."
"I taught him well," said Petunia proudly. "He is the same way at home even though his uncle is a bully."
The group was met up by Minerva and Filius. They spoke for over an hour about what was happening in the school. The more Petunia and Remus heard the angrier they got. Things were not sitting well with them on this issue.
"What are we going to do about this?" asked Remus. "We have to stop Dumbledore from getting into Harry's vaults. From there we have to get the Dark Lord out of the castle. We have to figure out how to get Harry's magic under some kind of control. We also need to figure out what to do about DADA. Two eleven year old students can't continue to teach the subject."
"I am going to stay at the castle until the end of the year or longer," said Petunia. "I will be able to better keep an eye on Harry and help him from the attacks by his peers. That arrogant little blond bastard is lucky that the chandelier beat him before I got my hands on him."
"He has a lot of nerve talking about Harry needing his relatives anyway," snorted Minerva. "Every time that he has something happen to him or he doesn't get his way, he writes to his father about it. Lucius sent me a letter stating that he and the Minister of Magic will be here this evening to discuss what to do about Harry. Yesterday I passed the loo and saw the ghost known as Moaning Myrtle dunking his head in the toilet."
Petunia and Remus were fighting to keep a straight face. This was something that Petunia was not accustomed to, but she was picturing it all the same in her mind. They got up to head to the special quarters that were prepared for them when Dumbledore ran past screaming with a set of wizard's robes chasing him with a glowing branding iron.
"Shouldn't we do something to help him?" asked Remus. "That looks dangerous."
"Are you willing to get in the way?" asked Minerva. "We learned quickly to stay out of it and to let the robes do as they wish. It is safer all the way around."
"Good point," admitted Remus and watched as a second set of robes put him in the twist of fate and slammed him to the floor. The first set of robes took aim and pressed the glowing iron to Dumbledore's ass cheek. When the smell of burnt flesh passed, they could make out the words "Hogwarts' Bitch" burned into his flesh. The spectators were just standing there in awe as Dumbledore promptly fainted and let loose his bowels. Poppy sighed as she used lotion to ease the burn and used magic to give him a pain reliever. From there, she left him in a heap on the floor and went back to attend her duties around the castle.
Later that evening, the Minister of Magic appeared at the castle with Lucius Malfoy. Fudge was upset about having to miss his dinner to handle the affairs of the castle. He demanded that Harry be summoned. A few minutes later, Harry, Minerva, Remus, Petunia, Voldemort, Dumbledore, Pomona, Severus, Draco, and Filius met in Dumbledore's office.
"I insist that you do something about Harry Potter," said Lucius smoothly placing gold in Fudge's hand. "He is a danger to my son and I insist that he be locked away for Draco's safety."
"Yes we will have to do something about him," said Fudge. "He can't stay in the castle if he is causing trouble. I am afraid that he will need to be expelled."
"You can not expel him," said Lady Hogwarts. "He is the heir of all four founders and as such he can not be expelled. As it is, he is not the cause of the problems in this school. You have a Head Master that is scared of his own clothes, a blond ponce that doesn't have a brain cell in his head, and Voldetarts playing patty cake instead of teaching."
"I am the Minister of Magic and I can do what ever I want," snapped Fudge grabbing Harry by the arm. "I demand your wand this instant."
"Let go of my nephew you bastard," snapped Petunia slapping him across the face. "I am going to sue you for everything that you have."
"I have the perfect lawyer," said Minerva. "I will send him an owl as soon as this meeting is done."
"You are nothing but muggle trash," snapped Lucius. "I will teach you a lesson about talking that way to your superiors."
"Voldemort do something," said Harry. "He is your servant after all. I will not have him threatening my Aunt that way."
Voldemort walked over to Lucius and slapped him. For good measure he turned and slapped Fudge. When he was done, he turned and slapped Dumbledore. Afterwards, he turned and slapped Draco. Dumbledore was not going to be outdone and slapped him back. Soon Lucius slapped Dumbledore. Dumbledore slapped Fudge. Fudge slapped Petunia. Petunia gave him a right hook. Draco slapped Lucius. Severus slapped Dumbledore. Minerva slapped Draco. Pomona slapped Voldemort. Voldemort slapped himself and then looked confused about it.
Harry sat there with Remus and cried. Filius was busy trying to console the boy. When they looked again, Petunia had Fudge in a head lock and was busy punching him in the face. Voldemort had Dumbledore in a leg lock and was trying to break his leg. Minerva and Pomona were busy beating the hell out of Lucius. Draco was about to jump on Minerva when a suit of armor grabbed him and threw him out of the window and into the lake. Soon the four ninja sumo wrestlers entered the room and each one picked a target. Soon the four fighters had Fudge, Dumbledore, Lucius, and Voldemort and was dragging them out of the office.
"I think we can safely say that Harry will not be expelled this evening or ever," said Minerva taking a breath. "We had better get him to the safety of his common room. Mr. Longbottom and Mr. Zabini, along with Mr. Diggory will be able to attend to Harry for the night."
"Come on Harry," said Petunia. "Let's get you into bed. We will not let anyone hurt you. I am not sure where those four fighters came from, but I am pissed that they took away my fun. I was enjoying beating the hell out of the Minister of Magic. He is nothing but a pansy ass bitch and I will have him cleaning my shoes with his tongue before long."
"Remind me to never upset you," said Remus. "I doubt that even my werewolf side can compete with that."
The next morning the students and staff were eating breakfast when a huge fart sounded in the castle.
"Something tells me that Dumbledore is up to something again," said Petunia.
She was sitting in Dumbledore's chair and refused to move. She was determined that she was going to make sure that the students and staff behaved themselves. Minerva adjusted the wards to accommodate her. Being the Deputy, she could do such things. When all of the students were present and accounted for, she stood up and made some announcements.
"My name is Petunia Dursley," she said. "I am afraid that Professor Dumbledore is unable to do his job correctly so I am taking charge. My first order of business is to inform you that Professor Quirrel will no longer be teaching Defense. The Heads of House and I decided that it is in your best interest to have a professor that is actually teaching you the subject rather than someone who wants to play hide and go seek. Therefore we are appointing Professor Remus Lupin to the post."
"Who are you to decide what goes on in this castle," demanded Draco Malfoy. "You are nothing but a muggle with a big mouth."
Petunia descended upon Draco in a heartbeat. With a wave of his wand, Remus conjured a paddle and Petunia let Draco have it. When she was done, she assigned him detention with Mr. Filch and then headed back to the staff table.
"Does anyone else have anything to say?" she asked.
When no one spoke, she continued with her announcements.
"Lady Hogwarts has assured me that due to the relationship that I have with Harry Potter, she will allow me to take the mantle of Head Mistress for now," she said. "This means that when you get yourselves into trouble that you will serve manual labor until you make amends for your actions. Now I am also to understand that certain students have been going out of their way to cause trouble. I am here to tell you that I will not tolerate it. I will not hesitate to expel a student who continuously disrupts the classes. I absolutely abhor the word mudblood. If you are heard saying it, you will automatically lose fifty points. Blood status means nothing here. Do I make myself clear?"
When no one spoke, she stood and cracked her knuckles. She soon got a resounding "yes ma'am" from the students. She was about to say something more when the music of Toni Basil sounded. Harry groaned and put his head in his hands as the doors opened and Dumbledore, Fudge, Lucius, and Voldemort all where thrown in dressed as cheerleaders. Dumbledore was doing the dance from the music video and the other three were forced by magic to follow his lead. The students were laughing openly at the display of all four older wizards dressed as female cheerleaders waving pom poms. Lucius even had his hair in pig tails. All were wearing clashing colors on their costumes. People like Minerva were wheezing trying to catch their breaths while the four wizards completed their routine. From there, the four of them ran from the hall.
The next day, the newspaper had a field day with it. The headline was bold and blaring.
Minister of Magic resigns position!
In recent events, the Minister of Magic was seen taking a bribe from Lucius Malfoy in an effort to expel the heir of all four founders. Mr. Harry Potter was then accosted by Mr. Fudge. His Aunt Petunia Dursley was there to step in and defend her nephew. The former Minster was seen the next day dressed in a muggle cheerleader costume doing a dance routine. He was also seen porting two black eyes and a busted lip when he slapped Mrs. Dursley. The newly appointed Head Mistress of Hogwarts had this to say.
"The next person that lays a hand on my nephew will learn that you do not mess with me or my family," she exclaimed. "We are here to teach the children, not to abuse them. From this day forward a whole new way of discipline will be enforced. Any parent who doesn't like it can withdraw their child from the school immediately. I will not tolerate bigotry in the school. Professors such as Albus Dumbledore and Voldiespots/Quirrel will no longer be allowed to teach the students. Hide and go seek will no longer be a subject that is taught at Hogwarts."
Minerva McGonagall and Filius Flitwick were among the first professors to give their full support of the new appointments. Parents such as Lucius Malfoy, was not pleased with the situation, but was unable to comment due to being in St Mungos receiving shock treatment.
Rita Skeeter
Reporter
Very few people were in the mood to dispute the fact that a muggle had just taken over the school. Many feared for their skin after viewing what Petunia had done to Draco Malfoy the day before. Draco went to open his mouth to complain when Petunia shot him a look that shut him up in a flash.
During Transfiguration, Draco had decided to once more try again to get even with Harry. The raccoons they were supposed to be transfiguring all decided that they were going to teach the blond a lesson. When Draco went to hex Harry, all of the animals took off from the students and started to bite and scratch the blond boy. Minerva let this go on for a few moments before she had Harry call off the attackers. When he had done this, Draco lay there on the floor covered in blood, feces, and urine. She dismissed him from class stating that he was no longer welcome in the class and that he would have to repeat the class the following year.
It was during lunch that Dumbledore decided to try again. He was arguing with Petunia in the entry way to the castle.
"You nephew is an abomination," said the old wizard. "He needs to be locked up for our safety. Harry Potter is a danger to himself and others."
As he said the words Harry Potter, he farted and the wind from the fart blew over no less than sixty four trees in the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid walked over and proceeded to beat Dumbledore unconscious as his house was in line with the fart and had been ruined. From there, Lady Hogwarts decided to get some revenge herself and had the old wizard strung upside down on the wall. The words "Harry Potter rules" were painted on his chest in bright pink. Later that afternoon, Filch was seen using a cat o nine tails on the old wizard. Whenever Filch needed a break, one of the house elves took over.
Christmas came and went and the occupants of the castle were starting to get into their new routines. It was not long before spring time came and the last quidditch match of the season took place. Harry was the referee of this match while Rolanda watched. Gryffindor was playing against Slytherin. The match went on for awhile with Harry calling fair plays and penalties as he saw them. Marcus Flint went near him with a beaters bat on the pretense of hitting a bludger. He missed Harry all the way around and knocked himself unconscious with the bat.
"Penalty to Gryffindor for an attempt of hitting the referee with a beater bat," said Harry. "Chaser Marcus Flint is now exempt from this game."
Gryffindor flattened Slytherin. The ending score was four hundred and twenty to ten. Gryffindor had won the quidditch cup.
Petunia smiled at her nephew and congratulated him on his fairness in the match. Minerva was smiling also.
AUTHOR'S NOTE – I will stop right here as next chapter will be the end of first year. I am going to start the chapter following it with book two in the series. Thanks for the reviews. This chapter is not as funny as the previous ones, but I tried.