A/N: Here it is, folks... so sorry for the delay. Things have been hectic around here, to say the least. Between "real world" work, my baby girl's first birthday, and flitting around Forks for Bella's birthday bash (that was truly escapism at its finest...), it's been hard to find a minute to myself. Hope everyone enjoys, and that it's worth the wait. We're nearing the end * sniffle *, only five chapters to go after this! Take care. Sparkly vampire hugs to you all.
PS: Hehehe... my team won the Twilight trivia challenge in Forks. By a lot. =)
Fire and Ice
We got settled into the tent as quickly as possible, and it wasn't long before the lightly falling snow began coming down in blustering swirls around us. Bella buried herself inside her sleeping bag, every layer of clothing she'd brought with her already on. As the darkness set it, her teeth began chattering, and I wanted nothing more than to hold her and comfort her. Of course, that would have done far more damage than good, so I instead banished myself to the opposite side of the tent, willing the seconds to tick by faster.
Jacob was pacing outside, sending less than pleasant thoughts at me every other second, which wasn't helping my mood any. I kept hoping Bella would fall asleep, so the morning could come that much sooner for her, but around midnight, I realized she was far too cold. She'd never be able to relax enough to sleep, and I was feeling more guilty with each passing moment.
"This was a mistake," I muttered.
"You d-d-d-didn't know."
"I should have. Is there anything I can do?"
"N-n-n-no."
I shook my head, wishing I'd brought more blankets, or a space heater. Anything. She was quiet again, though I knew she wasn't sleeping.
"Are you sure you don't want me to run us back home?" I asked for probably the hundredth time.
"No. C-c-c-c-can't go outside. W-w-worse."
"I could get us there so quickly, Bella. Then you'd be warm." Jacob snarled complaints at me from outside the tent, and I heard the absurdity of my words. The faster I ran, the colder she would be. She'd be completely frozen, and in agony by the time we got back.
"No," she repeated. After awhile, the wind picked up again, and she asked helplessly, "W-w-w-w-w-what t-t-t-t-time is it?"
"Two." I could hear her teeth banging together as her body convulsed with violent chills.
"Maybe . . ."
"No, I'm f-f-f-f-f-fine, r-r-r-really. I don't w-w-w-want to g-go outside."
"What can I do?" I asked futilely. Unable to form the words, she shook her head.
She's gonna freeze to death. How could you have let her come up here like this? Didn't your psychic see how bad it was gonna be? This is ridiculous! Jacob's thoughts were screaming at me, making me more miserable than I already was. Alice hadn't known it was going to be this bad, because Jacob had hindered her vision, I reminded myself. Try as I might, though, I couldn't see any of this as his fault. It was my idea, and I, solely, was to blame.
"G-g-g-get out of h-h-h-ere," Bella called to Jacob, her voice shaking and raspy.
"He's just worried about you," I assured her. "He's fine. His body is equipped to deal with this."
"H-h-h-h-h-h." I could only guess that Bella's attempt at speech was another plea for Jacob to leave, though we both knew he would do no such thing.
That's it, bloodsucker. Game over. We can lay new tracks in the morning, but you've got to get her out of this – now!
"What do you want me to do?" I snapped, no longer able to ignore him. "Carry her through that? I don't see you making yourself useful. Why don't you go fetch a space heater or something?"
I'm a wolf, not a dog, you filthy leech! And I will not be fetching anything!
I rolled my eyes as Bella argued, "I'm ok-k-k-k-k-k-kay." Jacob and I groaned in unison.
Fine, if you won't do anything to help her, than I'm stepping in. And I'd just love to see you try to stop me.
Jacob's thoughts blurred, and I fought to get a clear glimpse of exactly what he was planning. The only thing I was certain of was that I was not going to like it. It wasn't until he howled loudly into the freezing night air that I heard exactly what he was thinking.
Seth! Sorry man, but your duties are starting a day early. Get here as fast as you can, I'm going to go help Bella get warm. Seems her little ice-cube of a boyfriend is at a bit of a loss.
"That was hardly necessary," I mumbled, then called, a little more loudly, "and that's the worst idea I've ever heard."
A moment later, Jacob was human again, and about to let himself inside the tent. I wasn't sure I had the patience for that.
"Better than anything you've come up with," he said callously, fumbling for the zipper. "Go fetch a space heater. I'm not a St. Bernard."
Once he'd managed to get the tent door open, he hurried inside, coat clutched to his side. I didn't see what good it could possible do when it was frozen solid, but then again, Jacob was probably thinking about as clearly as I was at the moment.
"I don't like this. Just give her the coat and get out," I snarled, knowing full well his intentions had nothing to do with Bella putting on more clothes.
Bella shivered again, an unintelligible "W-w-w-w-w-w" all she was able to mutter.
"The parka's for tomorrow – she's too cold to warm it up by herself. It's frozen." Don't be an idiot. You know why I'm in here.
Of course I did – but I could still hope, right?
"You said she needed a space heater, and here I am," Jacob pronounced, opening his arms like he was declaring himself some kind of saint. I could hear that it was genuine concern for Bella that had prompted him to join us, but beneath the supposed altruism, I also heard how badly he wanted to hold her in his arms, no matter what the reason.
Even with her eyes half-closed against the bitter cold, Bella knew exactly what he was suggesting. "J-J-J-J-Jake, you'll f-f-f-freez-z-z-ze," she chided.
"Not me. I run at a toasty one-oh-eight point nine these days. I'll have you sweating in no time." And you can thank me later, however you see fit, he added silently, testing my last ounce of my patience.
A growl ripped through my chest before I could stop it, but Jacob knew I wouldn't keep him from helping Bella. I needed her to be warm – to get through this miserable night – so Jacob continued to torment me. He unzipped Bella's sleeping bag, adding, for my ears only, This night might not turn out so bad after all. Don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.
My body moved instinctively, and Jacob's shoulder was in my grasp, my fingers gripping tightly enough to snap a human in half. Of course, Jacob was almost as far from human as I was, and his only concern with my impulsive gesture was that I was touching him at all. His revulsion was so strong, so instantaneous, his mind couldn't even come up with a proper insult.
"Get your hand off of me," he spat.
"Keep your hands off of her," I responded, my voice flat. My hand clenched more tightly, refusing to let go.
My tone snapped him back to his normal, immature self, and his lip curled up into a smirk. How am I supposed to warm her up without touching her? I mean, technically, I guess I don't have to touch her with my hands . . .
Then, he silently showed me exactly how he'd like to keep her warm. His imagination was far too vivid, and I felt my muscles twitch with the desire to break him in half. I was about one second from removing him from the tent – permanently – when Bella begged, "D-d-d-don't f-f-f-f-fight."
We both watched in agony as Bella shuddered and convulsed with another wave of cold.
"I'm sure she'll thank you for this when her toes turn black and drop off," Jacob shouted. You can hate me all you want, but this is one thing I can do for her that you can't. Just, please, will you let me help her? Please?
It was the most sincerely he'd ever spoken to me, even if he hadn't been able to say the words out loud. I could tell it was taking a great deal of effort to be so polite. Hesitantly, I took my hand off his shoulder, and it wasn't until he breathed a sigh of relief that I realized I had actually been hurting him. He'd done a very good job of hiding it, even in his thoughts, and I wondered how much pain the wolves had gotten used to since their first transformation.
I had almost started to feel a twinge of sympathy for him when he reminded me that there really wasn't a point.
That's more like it, leech. Now, unless you want a front row seat to the show, I suggest you move back to your corner. The farther away, the better. For everyone's sake.
I glared at him as I backed away slowly, unsure of what I might do if he didn't at least start to keep his thoughts to himself. "Watch yourself," I warned, but Jacob only laughed.
Oh, I'm pretty sure it's you who'll be doing all the watching. Me, I'm just going to enjoy my own little view. He couldn't stop himself from laughing out loud, and I watched Bella's confused expression as he told her, "Scoot over, Bella."
Her eyes widened as she realized what he was doing. "N-n-n-n-n," she stuttered. Her stubborn refusal actually made me grin – something I thought would be impossible until the fight was over and things could go back to normal.
"Don't be stupid," Jacob told her, and I rolled my eyes. At least I knew he wouldn't get anywhere with flattery. "Don't you like having ten toes?"
She looked like she was going to attempt another protest, but then Jacob slid down beside her and zipped the sleeping bag around them. It was impossible to deny the relief I felt when Bella's face relaxed. I could bear one night of Jacob if it meant she wouldn't have to suffer any more. She shuddered again, but this time, I could tell she was just shaking off the last chill. Jacob hugged her close to his body, and I couldn't make myself be upset about it. Bella was warm and safe, and if watching them together for a few hours was the price I had to pay for that, I couldn't complain.
"Jeez, you're freezing, Bella," Jacob said.
"S-s-s-s-sorry."
"Try to relax. You'll be warm in a minute. Of course, you'd warm up faster if you took your clothes off."
Okay, maybe I could complain a little. I growled at him, but he didn't even look up. He knew, now, that he would be with her all night. Nothing could make me take away the comfort and relief he was giving Bella.
"That's just a simple fact," he said dryly. "Survival one-oh-one."
"C-c-cut it out, Jake," Bella said. "N-n-n-nobody really n-n-n-n-needs all ten t-t-t-toes."
"Don't worry about the bloodsucker," he said, nuzzling closer to her. Warm, soft, perfect . . . "He's just jealous."
"Of course I am," I admitted, frustrated. "You don't have the faintest idea how much I wish I could do what you're doing for her, mongrel."
"Those are the breaks." He was trying to sound nonchalant, but he couldn't hide from me. His mind was racing.
Where does he get off? He thinks I don't have any idea what it feels like, not being able to help her and look after her? He gets to be with her all the time. I get this one night, and I'm the one who doesn't understand how hard it is? It's not like she even wants me here, other than to keep her warm. If I tried this any other night, she'd be kicking me in the shins.
"At least you know she wished it was you," he finally said, sparing me the quickest of glances.
"True," I answered as simply as I could manage. I wasn't juvenile enough to gloat, though a little voice in the back of mind wanted to.
Her heart rate and her breathing are starting to sound normal again. But I guess you probably already know that.
I smiled wryly, though I didn't think he was looking at me anymore.
"There," he told Bella. He was trying to sound confident, but I knew he'd been worried about her. He was as happy as I was that she'd stopped shaking. "Feeling better?"
"Yes."
"Your lips are still blue. Want me to warm those up for you, too? You only have to ask."
I let out a deep sigh. It was going to be a very long night.
"Behave yourself," Bella warned him.
She's still so freezing, he thought, jumping slightly. I tried not to think too hard about where Bella was putting her hands. A moment later, I saw the bottom of the sleeping bag shift and ruffle, then Jacob flinched again. Freezing, he repeated, this time adding, but worth it.
Jacob pressed his cheek against the side of Bella's head, and I heard her sigh. He was breathing her in, and loving every second of her easy compliance. It was only a small victory that he knew how short-lived it would be. His thoughts were warring with each other, trying to enjoy whatever time he had with her in his arms, but unable to forget that it would be over soon and she'd be back in mine. At times, I was convinced he'd forgotten I was there, or maybe he'd simply tired of trying to torture me every second.
Just isn't right. I could give her so much more than him. She feels so warm, so perfect. And she fits. She just fits. It's not fair –
His mind continued trying to rationalize what he wanted and couldn't have, while I attempted to count the seconds left until sunrise. I was sure Bella had already fallen asleep, her breathing having slowed to its nightly, even tempo, so I was surprised when I heard her speak. Her voice was quiet, a whisper in the darkness – words meant for Jacob. There was a sinking, hallow feeling in my chest as I wondered if she, too, had forgotten I was there.
"Jake?" she asked. "Can I ask you something? I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, I'm honestly curious."
"Sure," he laughed, recalling some inside joke from one of their days together in La Push.
"Why are you so much furrier than your friends? You don't have to answer if I'm being rude."
"Because my hair is longer." Simple question, simple answer. Please, just leave it at that.
I held in a laugh. He must not know Bella like I do, because, of course, she would never leave it at that.
"Oh. Then why don't you cut it? Do you like to be shaggy?"
Aw, Bella, why now? His mind launched into a series of images – flashes of the two of them together. Her casually touching his long hair, noticing when he had it down instead of pulled back. The rest of the pack cutting their hair and telling him to do the same. Egging him on when he refused. This time I couldn't hold back my laughter.
Shut up! So she likes my hair long, at least I can cut mine if I want to. Freak.
I was too amused to be bothered by him.
"Sorry," Bella said, yawning. "I didn't mean to pry. You don't have to tell me."
Right. Like there could ever be any secrets with the freak-show in the tent. "Oh, he'll tell you anyway, so I might as well . . . . I was growing my hair out because . . . it seemed like you liked it better long."
"Oh," she said again. "I, er, like it both ways, Jake. You don't need to be . . . inconvenienced."
"Turns out it was very convenient tonight, so don't worry about it."
It was quiet again, except for the constant chatter of Jacob's mind that I was attempting – and failing – to ignore. I tried to concentrate on Bella's breathing.
"That's right, honey, go to sleep," Jacob whispered. My fists tightened hearing the word honey escape his lips, but his voice was soft, and I could tell his only intention, at least for the moment, was to help lull Bella to sleep.
It was a relief when I heard another voice in my head, one not preoccupied with Bella.
Still can't believe I'm up here playing walkie-talkie instead of getting ready for the fight, he complained. Too young. Right. I could take out my fair share of vampires. Just let me sink my teeth into one of them.
"Seth is here," I said softly, not wanting to wake Bella if she was really asleep this time.
"Perfect," Jacob whispered. "Now you can keep an eye on everything else, while I take care of your girlfriend for you."
I refrained from answering, for fear I couldn't keep my voice quiet. It was a lost cause, though, as Bella seemed to be stubbornly refusing sleep. "Stop it," she murmured, clearly exhausted.
Fine. Just sleep, Bella, please. You're so tired. Because of the angle they were laying at, I couldn't be sure, but I thought I saw Jacob stroking her hair. I shut my eyes tightly, pressing my fingers against my closed eyelids, trying to block everything out. Whatever kept her warm. Whatever helped her sleep. Whatever I needed to endure to get her through this night. I just about shot out of my seat when a particularly lewd thought crossed Jacob's mind, interrupting my mantra.
"Please! Do you mind!"
"What?" Jacob asked, genuinely confused. Crap, what was I thinking about? What did he hear? Oh jeez, totally embarrassing.
He'd obviously been letting his mind wander, and I realized that as much as he enjoyed tormenting me, he hadn't actually been thinking about that on purpose. It was amazing how quickly my instincts took over. I'd been keeping myself calm, thinking rationally. Then I see a picture of all the things Jacob wanted with my Bella, and everything inside me instantly screamed, protect her! I wanted to rip Jacob apart for having eventhought of defiling her in such a way. He had the woman he loved pressed against him, andhe already had most of his clothes off. And now I was being forced to watch his mental image of undressing her . . .
"Do you think you could attempt to control your thoughts?" I spat.
"No one said you had to listen." Disgusting leech, stay the hell out of my head! This is so messed up. Why can't he just go spend the night in the woods? Or better yet, go do some more combat practice with his family . . . except, oh yeah, there's no point because he's staying out of the fight like a coward. Still can't believe he let Bella talk him into this. What on earth did she say to him to make him stay . . .
His mind was racing so fast, it was hard to keep up. It took me a few seconds to realize he was babbling to try to regain control of his thoughts. Jacob had no desire to let me hear his private thoughts about Bella. He took three deep breaths, trying to steady himself, then repeated in a carefully calculated tone, "Get out of my head."
"I wish I could. You have no idea how loud your little fantasies are. It's like you're shouting them at me."
"I'll try to keep it down," he said, his voice biting. Bet you're just pissed that I can even think about being with her like that. You probably can't even hold her without breaking her.
"Yes. I'm jealous of that, too," I admitted, preferring the word jealous to his less tasteful term.
"I figured it was like that. Sort of evens the playing field up a little, doesn't it?"
He could pretend to be as self-assured as he liked, but he couldn't hide the frustration and hopelessness that was now taking over his mind. Just because physically he could be with Bella, didn't mean he would ever get to be. As his mind slipped unconsciously back to his earlier fantasy, I laughed.
"In your dreams."
"You know, she could still change her mind. Considering all the things I could do with her that you can't. At least, not without killing her, that is."
I really wished Jacob could have learned to control his thoughts better, but he seemed to have a one track mind. With those words, Jacob's mind threw image after image at me of everything he wanted his relationship with Bella to entail. It was probably only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. My ability to hear someone's every thought had never felt like more of a curse. I felt my fists clenched as he imagined kissing her, lifting her until her legs were wrapped around him. Clothes were being torn off and thrown to the ground, and the feeling of pure bliss was consuming Jacob's mind as he saw so clearly everything I wanted, but didn't know if I could ever have with my Bella.
"Go to sleep, Jacob. You're starting to get on my nerves." My voice was unsteady and I tried to hold back the rage that was building inside me. I hoped he heard the warning in my words, and knew how little patience I had left. I'd promised not to hurt Jacob, for Bella's sake, but I'd never imagined I would be forced to sit and listened while he dreamed of being intimate with my fiancée.
"I think I will. I'm really very comfortable." Not as comfortable as I could be, but close enough. I didn't dare speak again, because I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself. I was concentrating all my energy on making sure Jacob lived through the night.
Several minutes passed, and, thankfully, his fantasies died down. He was quite content to be holding Bella, keeping her safe, and he eventually found himself able to focus on enjoying the moment. After a brief period of relative quiet, I started to wonder if he'd finally fallen asleep. I was just starting to worry about what I was going to hear if he started dreaming, when his still very conscious thoughts surprised me.
Hey, bloodsucker. If I asked you a question, or, you know, thought about a question, would you actually answer it? Would you at least give me that?
"Maybe I would."
"But would you be honest?"
"You can always ask and see." I smiled in the darkness. Whatever he wanted to ask me was really irking him, and after all the mental games he'd been playing with me, I was letting myself enjoy toying with him for awhile.
"Well, you see inside my head – let me see inside yours tonight, it's only fair."
"Your head is full of questions. Which one do you want me to answer?"
"The jealousy . . . it has to be eating at you. You can't be as sure of yourself as you seem. Unless you have no emotions at all."
"Of course it is," I spat. I found it very hard to believe he didn't know what it was doing to me, watching him lying there with Bella and listening to all the things he wanted to do with her. He had to know how it was killing me. Frustrated, I listened to his mind, but there was no indication he was asking me for any reason other than a genuine desire to know. For the first time, he wasn't trying to torment me – he just needed to hear me admit it.
"Right now it's so bad that I can barely control my voice," I admitted. "Of course, it's even worse when she's away from me, with you, and I can't see her."
"Do you think about it all the time? Does it make it hard to concentrate when she's not with you?" He was speaking softly, his voice shaking more than I'd ever heard. I could tell he was trying to focus on what he was saying out loud, to block me from hearing the desperation in his mind, but it was too loud to ignore. I think about her all the time. He has no idea how much it kills me to think of them together, just please, please let it be that bad for him when she's with me. It's not fair. Why am I the only one suffering?
"Yes and no," I answered. Inexplicably, I found I was trying to stop myself from hearing any more of his silent pleading. It was one of the first times it actually felt impolite to be listening. "My mind doesn't work quite the same as yours. I can think of many more things at one time. Of course, that means that I'm always able to think of you, always able to wonder if that's where her mind is, when she's quiet and thoughtful."
You worry she thinks about me, even when you guys are together. I like that.
It surprised me that he didn't sound arrogant. He wasn't bragging or trying to rile me up again. He was just happy to think he was on her mind.
So . . . do you think she's thinking about me a lot?
"Yes, I would guess that she thinks about you often. More often than I like. She worries that you're unhappy. Not that you don't know that. Not that you don't use that."
Right, he scoffed. Like you fight fair. "I have to use whatever I can. I'm not working with your advantages – advantages like her knowing she's in love with you."
"That helps." My voice was calm, but it was too much to ask to keep all the smugness out of it. Apparently, all traces of nicety were gone for Jacob as well.
Shut up! he thought defensively. You don't know anything. "She's in love with me, too, you know."
He sounded like he was asking for confirmation, though of course, I couldn't be certain either way. There were plenty of times I'd listened to Bella try to explain why she cared so much for Jacob, and the way she spoke of his help during the months I'd been gone made it hard not to believe she was in love with him, in a way.
Jacob sighed at my silence. "But she doesn't know it."
"I can't tell you if you're right," I said, defeated.
"Does that bother you? Do you wish you could see what she's thinking, too?"
"Yes . . . and no, again. She likes it better this way, and, though it sometimes drives me insane, I'd rather she was happy."
Wow, he really does love her. His unconscious thought startled both of us, and I was about to speak when the wind picked up again, rocking the tent violently. I've got you, Bella. You're safe, he thought, his arms pulling her in tighter.
"Thank you," I said softly. "Odd as this might sound, I suppose I'm glad you're here, Jacob."
"You mean, 'as much as I'd love to kill you, I'm glad she's warm,' right?"
"It's an uncomfortable truce, isn't it?"
Uncomfortable. Now there's an understatement. I'm never going to get this stench out of my nostrils. Still – "I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am."
I wondered for a moment what Bella would think if she knew how much of his confident attitude was just bravado.
"I'm not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do. It doesn't help your case, you know." I had no idea why I suddenly sounded like I was giving him relationship advice. Then, I remembered the look on Bella's face when she looked down at my ring on her finger, and how that moment had changed everything. Maybe the only reason I was tolerating Jacob at all tonight was that I'd never been more sure that Bella had truly chosen me.
"You have more patience than I do," he sighed.
"I should. I've had a hundred years to gain it. A hundred years of waiting for her."
"So . . ." he started, trying not to let me hear how hard it was for him to wrap his mind around the concept of that much time, "at what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy?"
"When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose. It's not usually this difficult to control. I can smother the . . . less civilized feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time. Sometimes I think she sees through me, but I can't be sure."
She's never really seen you, so why should she start now? Keeping true to form, he quickly tried to cover up his bitterness with arrogance. "I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose, she might not choose you."
"That was a part of it. But only a small part. We all have our moments of doubt. Mostly I was worried that she'd hurt herself trying to sneak away to see you. After I'd accepted that she was more or less safe with you – as safe as Bella ever is – it seemed best to stop driving her to extremes."
Bella think he's Mr. Tolerant, but it's all just a front. I wish she could hear him now. "I'd tell her all of this, but she'd never believe me."
I grinned. "I know."
"You think you know everything." So annoying.
"I don't know the future," I admitted. Even with Bella having promised to marry me, and Alice constantly reminding me she's seen countless images of Bella with us forever, I knew there were things Alice couldn't see, and situations Bella couldn't anticipate. What if Jacob got hurt in the fight, and thinking about losing him made her realize how much she loved him?
"What would you do if she changed her mind?" Jacob asked.
"I don't know that either."
I could take a guess, he thought, laughing. "Would you try to kill me?"
"No."
Yeah, because you know I'd rip your head off with one swat. "Why not?" he taunted, and irritation crept back into my voice. Just when I thought he'd started to understand that Bella came first in my life, no matter what . . .
"Do you really think I would hurt her that way?" I asked, icily.
No. No, of course not. Same reason I haven't tried to kill you. He sighed. "Yeah, you're right. I know that's right. But sometimes . . ."
"Sometimes it's an intriguing idea."
Jacob laughed out loud, burying his face in the sleeping bag to keep himself quiet. "Exactly," he said as thoughts of us fighting for Bella played through his mind. It suddenly seemed like a very old fashioned idea – fighting to the death to win the hand of the woman we both loved. In another time, it might have been the appropriate way to handle things, but for now, we both had to accept that it was Bella's choice to make.
Several moments passed, and after listening to thoughts of the fight we would never have, I was surprised at the direction Jacob's mind took. As clearly as I'd ever watched one of Alice's visions, I watched the fight in his mind end – and he saw me winning. He watched Bella walk away with me, hand in hand, as he ran in the other direction, defeated. His agony was so complete, I felt hollow in my own chest. All his confidence, all the ways he'd tried to goad me into admitting I was jealous of him – not even a hint of it was there as he saw all too clearly what his life was going to be without her.
"What is it like? Losing her?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper. "When you thought that you'd lost her forever? How did you . . . cope?"
"That's very difficult for me to talk about."
Fair is fair. I know you've been digging around in my head already, so you know what I'm afraid of. Just tell me what it was like. Tell me what I need to –
Even in his mind, he couldn't finish the thought. But I knew. He was trying to prepare himself for what he knew was coming, and as much as he hated me, I was the only one who understood – the only one who'd loved and lost our Bella.
"There were two different times that I thought that," I began slowly. "The first time, when I thought I could leave her . . . that was . . . almost bearable. Because I thought she would forget me and it would be like I hadn't touched her life. For over six months I was able to stay away, to keep my promise that I wouldn't interfere again. I was getting close – I was fighting but I knew I wasn't going to win; I would have come back . . . just to check on her." It was important that Jacob knew this. I'd heard enough of his mind to know that he blamed himself for losing Bella. He often felt that if he'd never let her jump off that cliff, I wouldn't have come back into her life. No amount of animosity I felt toward him would let me leave him with that kind of self-loathing.
"That's what I would have told myself, anyway. And if I'd found her reasonably happy . . . I like to think that I could have gone away again. But she wasn't happy. And I would have stayed." I paused, making sure my words were sinking in. His mind was racing, trying to argue against what I was saying, but he couldn't stop himself from remembering what Bella was like during that time. He knew if I'd come home and seen her as miserable as he'd watched her be all those months, nothing in the world could have made me leave again.
"That's how she convinced me to stay with her tomorrow, of course. You were wondering about that before, what could possibly motivate me . . . what she was feeling so needlessly guilty about. She reminded me of what it did to her when I left – what it still does to her when I leave. She feels horrible about bringing that up, but she's right. I'll never be able to make up for that, but I'll never stop trying anyway."
I'm such an idiot. All this time, I didn't think he even had real feelings. Crap, why does that make it so much harder? Doesn't change what he wants to do to her. Doesn't change that he wants to kill her! Damn it, stop listening to me, this isn't right . . .
He wasn't looking at me, so he couldn't see the apology in my eyes, but I hoped he knew. I wished I could give him privacy, especially since it seemed he was finally starting to understand, at least to some extent, that everything I did was out of love for Bella. Determined not to let me hear any more unintentional thoughts, he continued.
"And the other time – when you thought she was dead?" And don't you dare tell me it's too hard to talk about it. You're about to put me through the same damn thing.
"Yes. It will probably feel like that to you, won't it? The way you perceive us, you might not be able to see her as Bella anymore. But that's who she'll be."
"That's not what I asked." Just say it already. Tell me how it tore you apart!
"I can't tell you how it felt. There aren't words," I nearly yelled.
I saw Bella twitch, and Jacob's arms tightened around her protectively. He can't do this, he just can't. I won't let him take your life away.
"But you left because you didn't want to make her a bloodsucker. You want her to be human," he pleaded. I didn't know exactly why it felt so important, but I chose my words carefully, knowing this was probably my only chance to try to make him understand.
"Jacob, from the second that I realized that I loved her, I knew there were only four possibilities. The first alternative, the best one for Bella, would be if she didn't feel as strongly for me – if she got over me and moved on. I would accept that, thought it would never change the way I felt. You think of me as a . . . living stone – hard and cold. That's true. We are set the way we are, and it is very rare for us to experience a real change. When that happens, as when Bella entered my life, it is a permanent change. There's no going back . . ."
For a split second, I caught myself imagining what my life would have been if Bella hadn't loved me in return. I would have watched her from afar, swearing not to intervene, but I knew without a doubt that if she was in danger – if anyone ever hurt her – that I would have protected her in whatever capacity was necessary. It would have been a lonely life, even more of a half-existence than I was already living, but I really had no other alternative. I'd lived alone for a century, never thinking I could feel love the way my family felt, but Bella had shown me what my frozen heart was capable of. Even if she hadn't wanted me, I would have loved her forever.
I realized Jacob was waiting for me to continue, so I shook off the emptiness I always felt when I remembered how life could have been, had Bella chosen a different path. "The second alternative, the one I'd originally chosen, was to stay with her throughout her human life. It wasn't a good option for her, to waste her life with someone who couldn't be human with her, but it was the alternative I could most easily face. Knowing all along that, when she died, I would find a way to die, too. Sixty years, seventy years – it would seem like a very, very short time to me . . . But then it proved much too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity with my world. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Or hung over us . . . waiting to go wrong. I was terrified that I couldn't get those sixty years if I stayed near her while she was human.
"So I chose option three. Which turned out to be the worst mistake of my very long life, as you know. I chose to take myself out of her world, hoping to force her into the first alternative. It didn't work, and it very nearly killed us both."
Jacob shuddered as he remembered watching Bella and Alice drive away, on their way to save me. I'd never seen that exact moment, and there was something in Bella's expression that made my insides tighten. Jacob couldn't read her mind, but all she was feeling was there in her eyes, and now I was looking into them as if I'd been standing in front of her. I saw fear like I'd never seen, not even when her own life was in danger. I saw determination, intense as fire. I saw love, though it was marred by fear, desperate and searching.
What struck me more than anything, though, was that Jacob seemed to have known – and now I was seeing for myself – that if she hadn't gotten to me in time, she probably wouldn't have come home. Jacob knew she was being taken to a group of vampires who would have happily killed her without a thought. More than that, though, was the fact that the fear in Bella's eyes was only fear for me, and the determination to get to me in time was only because my life meant that much to her. There was something behind all those other emotions, telling me without a doubt, that if she'd failed, she wouldn't have even put up a fight. She would have been the easiest prey the Volturri had ever seen.
I'd never felt so completely at a loss for words, but what I'd started, I knew I had to finish. Jacob's thoughts had scattered as he remembered her driving away. He thought he'd lost Bella, and he couldn't process that kind of loss, not again. No amount of my telling him what it had done to me was going to prepare him, but there was still something he needed to hear. I continued quickly, ready to be done – done talking, done thinking, done with this night. I'd never felt so exhausted.
"What do I have left but the fourth option? It's what she wants – at least, she thinks she does. I've been trying to delay her, to give her time to find a reason to change her mind, but she's very . . . stubborn. You know that. I'll be lucky to stretch this out a few more months. She has a horror of getting older, and her birthday is in September . . ."
Shut up, shut up . . . no more. I can't listen to this. "I like option one," he said quietly. I knew he was only muttering to himself, barely aware of my presence anymore. He was as tired as I was by being forced into this level of honesty. We were both very ready for the night to be over.
"You know exactly how much I hate to accept this," he finally said, "but I can see that you do love her . . . in your way. I can't argue with that anymore." He'd thought the words earlier, but it was good to hear them out loud. It was comforting, in an odd way, knowing that no matter how much Jacob hated me – and hated the choice Bella was making – at least he would always know that she was everything to me. He'd never doubt that she was loved, and taken care of. If Bella had chosen Jacob, I could have asked nothing more than to have that same knowledge.
"Given that," he continued, "I don't think you should give up on the first alternative, not yet. I think there's a very good chance that she would be okay. After time. You know, if she hadn't jumped off a cliff in March . . . and if you'd waited another six months to check on her . . . . Well, you might have found her reasonably happy. I had a game plan."
I laughed, because all his ifs and maybes must have sounded absurd, even to him. It made it easy, though, to give him the benefit of the doubt in his wildly hypothetical situation. "Maybe it would have worked. It was a well thought-out plan."
"Yeah." If. So many ifs. "But . . ." he said, lowering his voice as if worried Bella would hear his secret mission, "give me a year, bl – Edward. I really think I could make her happy. She's stubborn, no one knows that better than I do, but she's capable of healing. She would have healed before. And she could be human, with Charlie and Renée, and she could grow up, and have kids and . . . be Bella.
"You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan. She thinks you're very unselfish . . . are you really? Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are?"
"I have considered it. In some ways, you would be better suited for her than any other human. Bella takes some looking after, and you're strong enough that you could protect her from herself, and from everything that conspires against her. You have done that already, and I'll owe you for that for as long as I live – forever – whichever comes first . . . .
"I even asked Alice if she could see that – see if Bella would be better off with you. She couldn't of course. She can't see you, and then Bella's sure of her course, for now."
My eyes shut tightly as I tried to make myself think of what I would do if Bella chose to leave – now, after we'd been through so much. It was agonizing just to imagine it, but I loved her too much to ever try to make her decisions for her again. If she chose Jacob, I would let her go, but I had also vowed never to try to push her away again. I needed Jacob to understand that it wasn't about me, or what I wanted for Bella any more. I wasn't holding her to me or taking her human life from her out of selfishness. I was giving her anything and everything she asked for, because I'd finally learned that trying to make her decisions for her only led to disaster.
"But I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before, Jacob. I won't try to force her into that first option again. As long as she wants me, I'm here."
"And if she were to decide that she wanted me? Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that."
I didn't hesitate for a second, though the words were painful to speak. "I would let her go."
"Just like that?"
"In the sense that I'd never show her how hard it was for me, yes. But I would keep watch. You see, Jacob, you might leave her someday. Like Sam and Emily, you wouldn't have a choice. I would always be waiting in the wings, hoping for that to happen."
Of course you would. You never go anywhere for long, do you? he scoffed, before letting out a long sigh. "Well, you've been much more honest than I had any right to expect . . . Edward. Thanks for letting me in your head."
"As I said, I'm feeling oddly grateful for you presence in her life tonight. It was the least I could do . . . You know, Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you."
Very funny, leech. He considered it for a moment, trying to figure out if I was joking, but when he realized there was no trace of malice in my voice, he attempted to return the sentiment.
"Maybe . . . if you weren't a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love . . . well, no, not even then."
I laughed. He had given it his best effort. A moment later, I remember something I had wanted to ask him about, but wasn't sure how to bring it up. After all that had conspired tonight, though, it seemed a very easy question. "Can I ask you something?"
"Why would you have to ask?"
"I can only hear if you think of it. It's just a story that Bella seemed reluctant to tell me about the other day. Something about a third wife . . . ?"
"What about it?" he asked, but I didn't need to clarify any further. The moment I'd said the words, Jacob's mind had started recounting the story. The legend had been passed down through his tribe, and of course, the vampires in this story were the worst kind – the monsters my family and I knew we could never let ourselves be. The Quileutes were heroic in defending their tribe from danger, and when the Third Wife drew blood and offered herself as a sacrifice, I felt a hiss escape my lips.
"What?" Jacob asked defensively.
"Of course. Of course! I rather wish your elders had kept that story to themselves, Jacob."
"You don't like the leeches being painted as the bad guys? You know, they are. Then and now."
"I really couldn't care less about that part. Can't you guess which character Bella would identify with?"
Why would she be identifying with anyone from that story? Unless she's already thinking of herself as a disgusting bloodsucker. I'm not apologizing for anything. If he's upset because she doesn't want to think of herself as a monster, that's a good thing –
Then, it dawned on him. "Oh. Ugh. The third wife. Okay, I see your point."
"She wants to be there in the clearing. To do what little she can, as she puts it. That was the secondary reason for my staying with her tomorrow. She's quite inventive when she wants something."
"You know, your military brother gave her the idea just as much as the story did," he snapped, and I saw Bella flinch again.
"Neither side meant any harm." I didn't want either of us getting upset and waking Bella up. We were finally starting to make peace, temporary as it might be.
"And when does this little truce end? First light? Or do we wait until after the fight?"
He thought the words at the same moment I did.
"First light," we said in unison, laughing together for the first, and most likely last, time.
"Sleep well, Jacob. Enjoy the moment," I said, reminding myself that when the sun came up, Bella and I would be together again, alone. She might have been in his arms for a night, but it was my arms she wanted to spend eternity in.
It was quiet as Jacob drifted off to sleep, and when the images from earlier began to return, I wasn't entirely sure if he was dreaming or not.
"I didn't mean it quite so literally," I muttered.
"Sorry," he answered drowsily. "You could leave, you know – give us a little privacy."
"Would you like me to help you sleep, Jacob?"
"You could try. It would be interesting to see who walked away, wouldn't it?"
It was amazing how quickly the pleasantries of the evening dissolved, and we found ourselves right back where we started. I hoped, however, that it was with a slightly better understanding of each other than before.
"Don't tempt me too far, wolf. My patience isn't that perfect."
Mmm, it's so warm in this sleeping bag. I can't believe how comfortable I am. I rolled my eyes. "I'd rather not move just now, if you don't mind."
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, deciding it best to end the conversation there. Instead, I hummed the lullaby Bella had fallen asleep to so many times, and wished I could sleep myself. It would have been nice to leave everything behind and escape for a few hours. I supposed I would have to settle for knowing that at least my Bella was warm and safe – and, I hoped, listening to me hum to her. I wanted nothing more than for her to know that this would be the last night she would ever spend in anyone's arms but my own.