DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will see kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am.

NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. PLEASE NOTE that if I have not responded to your review, it is either an accident for not seeing it in the story and author alerts or that you sent it anonymously or I am unable to answer it. I take pride in answering each and every review, but every once in awhile I will miss one.

Chapter 7 – The New Head Mistress

The days went by quickly. Albus and Voldemort were still in the castle, but were unable to do much. Petunia was sitting at her desk looking over some reports when the door opened and a man stepped in.

"Hi my name is Jeff Graham," said the man extending his hand. "Minerva McGonagall told me that you are interested in suing Cornelius Fudge for his attempt at manhandling your nephew as well as attempting to cause harm to him."

A huge fart sounded throughout the castle and Petunia picked up an aerosol can of spray and sprayed the area between her and the door of the office. She opened the window and looked outside and to her astonishment the Cerberus that was usually out playing with Harry was passed out cold in the yard. Moments later the enhanced voice of Minerva McGonagall sounded throughout the castle.

"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE," she said cracking a bullwhip. "What have I told you about attempting to bother Lord Potter? He was out here playing with Fluffy and you have the audacity to attempt to sneak up on him and try to hit him with a hex."

"I haven't done anything to the boy," screamed Dumbledore. "You nasty old besom I really wish you would stop screaming at me and stay the fuck out of my business. What I do to Harry Potter is no business of your own. I will do what I want when I want. I am Albus Dumbledore."

Petunia and the lawyer looked on as the giant squid was thrown out of the lake and a tidal wave washed out of the lake and destroyed Hagrid's new hut. Three dragons fell out of the sky and were not seen to be moving again for some time. Hagrid came out of his hut and grabbed Dumbledore around his throat and proceeded to strangle him. Filius, Pomona, Poppy, Minerva, and Harry were all trying to get him to let the old wizard go.

"I will bloody kill him," yelled Hagrid. "Fluffy is hurt. Three dragons are hurt and the water from the lake is currently everywhere it isn't supposed to be. How in the bloody hell are the merpeople supposed to live. That is not counting the fact that this old bastard has destroyed another of my houses."

"Call down Hagrid," said Harry. "I can use my Aguamenti Charm to refill the lake. It will take a little while and I see some of the water rushing back into the lake as we speak."

Harry cast his water charm and once more it was so powerful that he was lifted off his feet and ended up being thrown into the room with Petunia and the lawyer.

"Hello Aunt Petunia," said Harry as he stood up and raced out of the room. "Don't worry. I have all of this under control."

"Are you telling me that Lord Potter is the one that is handling most of the unpleasantness here in this school?" asked Jeff. "That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard of. Why isn't the Head Master, who is the supposed Leader of the Light, doing anything?"

"Harry has to convince the castle to not kill Albus, Voldienarks, and Draco Malfoy quite often," said Petunia. "I swear that the three of them have a death wish. I found out that Dumbledore placed the Sorcerer's Stone here in the castle and is attempting to get Harry into the trap of going to get it before the Dark Lord."

"Why would it even be here in the castle to start off with?" asked Jeff confused. "This is a school not a safe house for dangerous objects. Plus that stone belongs to Nicholas Flamel."

"It is destroyed," said Petunia. "Harry went and got it for me with the help of Miss Granger and Mr. Diggory. We used Albus' head to break it. We no longer have to worry about it. To answer your other question, Dumbledore is more interested in trying to get his hands on the Potter family fortune than to run a school. Because he has been here for so long, we are unable to get rid of him for now."

"What do you mean?" asked the lawyer confused. "How did you use Albus Dumbledore's head? I think I am missing something somewhere."

"We placed the stone on the desk and I grabbed Dumbledore's head and slammed it repeatedly on the stone until it broke," said Petunia. "Now we no longer have to worry about the stone anymore. Poppy left him unconscious for a few days so that he was out of our hair."

"I see," said the lawyer in awe. "Remind me to never get on your bad side. Now what are you wanting to do about the former Minister for Magic?"

"I want to sue him for at least five million galleons," said Petunia. "From there I want you to sue Lucius Malfoy. After that I want a divorce from my husband. Tell him he can have Grunnings as long as he doesn't try to take anything else from me. Oh, I guess he can have the house also. If he decides to keep the house, he has to keep Dudley."

Jeff was making many notations. He was nodding his head at the instructions. He was still wondering about the events happening around the castle.

"What is the reason for suing the Malfoys," he asked.

"I had to wash my eyes out with loads of soap and water causing an infection when he did a split in a muggle female cheerleader's outfit and exposed his personals to me," she replied. "I think I am going to be scarred for life for that one. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed. Trust me when I tell you that since I have been here I have seen some pretty nasty things. Plus he is trying to get my nephew expelled from Hogwarts. The castle is preventing that, but I am not taking any chances. We also know that he is a supporter of Voldiepots. Sue him for fifty million galleons."

"Such as," prompted the lawyer. "Tell me some of the things happening around here. You have my curiosity peaked."

"Where to begin," she said. "I guess with all the damage done by Dumbledore with his atrocious gas is a start. Every time that he says my nephew's name, he passes gas and destroys part of the castle or damages creatures or students. Day before yesterday, Harry was in History of Magic and Dumbledore decided he wanted to get into the class and cause trouble. He called Harry by name and ended up exorcising the ghost that teaches the class. We had to get a substitute teacher for the class. Thank goodness that Madam Longbottom came in. Next would be the fight he lost in the Great Hall when he and his robes got into a wrestling match and we watched as the robes put him in the sleeper hold and then hung him by his genitals from the ceiling. I did not think a man's scrotum could stretch that far. I also watched Draco Malfoy get his dues."

"What happened to the young Mr. Malfoy?" asked the lawyer pulling out a handkerchief and wiping his eyes.

"Well I was passing the loo the other day and he was yelling at Miss Granger," she explained. "What he was doing in the girl's loo I have no idea. Anyway he went to hex her and the toilet flew up and ate him. It took us four hours to find him."

"Where did he end up?" asked Jeff taking a deep breath.

"He was unceremoniously crammed into the cesspool," said Petunia. "Had he not woke up and started screaming, we would never have found him. It took us three days to rid him of the smell. No one in the castle wants to sit near him. His hair is kind of a shitty green color now."

"Oh sweet Merlin," wheezed Jeff. "This is the funniest shit I have heard in a long time."

"Well the other day I caught Voldismores trying to set himself on fire," said Petunia. "I had to get Severus to cast a charm on him to keep the flames from igniting. When he couldn't set himself on fire, he went to the potions lab and tried to blow the place up."

"Obviously he didn't succeed," said Jeff picturing it in his minds eye.

"Of course he succeeded," said Petunia. "It took Minerva and Filius four hours to shrink the castle back to its original size."

"Oh wow," said Jeff in amazement. "I thought when you said blow the castle up you meant destroy it."

"That is what he was after," said Petunia. "He said his spell wrong and instead of blowing it to smithereens he just blew it up like a balloon. The stupid old git said the spell wrong. We are trying to figure out how to get him out of the castle. Every time that I beat his ass and get him out of the castle, Dumbledore lets him back in."

"Well I will get on this paperwork right away," said Jeff. "I will inform you of when I get each piece done. Are you going to go after anyone else at this time?"

"Yes," she said. "Not with a lawyer though. When I have had enough I will beat the daylights out of Voldieguts and Dumbledick. They are both on my nerves. Oh, one last thing, I need you to check with the goblins and make double sure that Dumbledumb can not get into my nephew's vaults. I would hate to have to break his leg again."

"Again?" asked an astonished lawyer.

"Yes," she said. "I beat the hell out of him with his own leg."

"Did anyone try and stop you?" he asked with wide eyes.

"No," she replied. "They took bets on how long it would be before he passed out from the pain."

"Aunt Petunia," called Harry from the grounds to the open window. "You better get down here soon and with Professor McGonagall. Fluffy is using Draco as a chew toy and he is digging a hole to bury him in. I can't seem to talk him out of it. Hagrid is refusing to stop him as it was his class that Draco caused problems in."

"Shit," said Petunia before she headed out of the room with Jeff. "You had better come with me and help. Minerva's classroom is on the way. We should be able to get the dog backed off."

"Doesn't Dumbledore have a phoenix?" asked Jeff suddenly.

"Not anymore," said Petunia. "The last time the old fool tried something with Harry he passed gas and the bird went into a burning day and never recovered. We are looking into seeing if there is such a thing as shock therapy treatment for magical animals. So far we haven't found anything."

"So what is happening with Fawkes?" asked Jeff in amazement.

"The poor bird has been barking like a dog and setting fire to anything that looks like an old wizard," she answered. "So far he has burnt down three houses and four people are in St Mungo's for third degree burns. We have not figured out yet what to do about the situation. So far, Severus and Minerva created a lifelike statue of Dumbledore and let the phoenix burn it to a crisp each day."

"Good thinking," said Jeff as he and Petunia joined Minerva in rushing to the yard.

"Hagrid," said Petunia. "You have to help us get the Malfoy twit away from Fluffy. We don't want you getting into trouble for letting your pet try and eat him."

"I won't let him eat that ponce," snapped Hagrid. "My poor dog would get heartburn. Right now I am not worried about Fluffy. It seems that Hedwig and Spook are taking their turn at him. Harry is crying over there by that tree as the three animals are doing their best to strangle Malfoy."

Petunia walked over to Fluffy who was guarding the scene from anyone approaching. Petunia raised her fist and looked at the giant dog. Fluffy put his tail between his legs and took off to hide behind Harry. When the dog left, they could see the owl dive bombing the boy while the cat was shredding the skin on his back and legs.

"THAT IS ENOUGH," yelled Petunia. "What in the hell happened this time Malfoy? You better tell me the truth or else."

"I slapped Hermione and blamed it on Harry," said a pale and bleeding Draco. "When he went to defend himself, I hit him with a stinging hex. When he started to cry I laughed at him and that is when the animals started to go crazy."

"Hagrid, is this what actually happened?" asked Petunia. "Did he really do all of that?"

"Plus he insulted the hippogriff," said Hagrid. "I am through telling him about not paying attention in class. I don't want him in my class anymore."

"Done," said Petunia. "Now I have to decide what type of punishment to give to you Mr. Malfoy. Points and detentions not longer work. So I guess in this case I can only say one thing. Hedwig and Spook continue as you were."

Soon the screams were sounding again as the owl and cat resumed their torture of the young blonde who was in the dug hole and couldn't escape.

"Where is Draco's wand?" asked Minerva.

"You really don't want to know," sobbed harry while Petunia tried to calm him down.

It was not long after when the school year finished. The students were packing the rest of their belongings before they descended to the Great Hall for their final meal.

"I have the pleasure of announcing this year's House Cup Award," said Petunia. "After speaking with all of the other professors, we have a few other awards to give out as well. In last place with negative three thousand fifty points is Hufflepuff House. In third place, with three hundred and fifty four points is Slytherin House. In second place, with four hundred and ten points is Gryffindor House. That means our winner with five hundred and ten points is Ravenclaw House. Congratulations to the Eagles for all of their hard work."

The Eagles were busy congratulating themselves. They had not won a house cup since the time of Rowena herself. When the applause died out a bit, Petunia continued.

"We have reviewed all of the scores of all of the years," she said. "This year, we have to award two special students. Harry Potter has the highest score in the school for the young men and Hermione Granger has the highest score in the school for the young ladies. Therefore we are awarding both students with a trophy for their academics."

Both youngsters were red in the face as they stood up and received their trophy. When the applause died out, they all sat and waited.

"We have one more award to give out for a job well done," said Petunia. "This student has earned the most points out of each student in the entire school. Not only did he earn the most points, but that was even while it was being divided between all four houses. Therefore, we award Harry Potter another trophy for the most points earned in a single school year."

The applause sounded just as loud as before. Harry was loved by all four houses for his hard work and dedication. He was red in the face again as he received his second award of the evening. He shook hands with all four Heads of House and then sat down. Dumbledore went to interrupt the proceedings and was quickly jumped on by twenty five house elves and three sets of robes.

"We have one student who deserves a special type of award in this school," said Petunia when Dumbledore was dragged away. "He has helped the staff when they needed it in defending the students from the harm that could have befouled them. Of course, I am talking once more about Harry Potter."

Harry smiled as he received yet another award for his services to the school. When the applause died out, he waited to see what happened next.

"One last award and we can eat our last meal together," said Petunia. "This year, there was one student who was the stupidest person around. Not only did he lose the most points, but he lost the most dignity and the most respect. This year we are going to award Draco Malfoy with the Biggest Douche Award. Please let it be known that you disapprove of his actions."

The entire Great Hall erupted in laughter and jibes aimed at the Malfoy heir.

From there, Petunia dismissed them and let them finish what they were doing. Hours later, the students were sitting on the train and were heading back for London. As Harry, Hermione, Neville, Cedric, and Susan were sitting there, the door opened and Draco Malfoy was standing there with fury in his eyes.

"There is no one here to protect you now," he sneered. "There is no castle and no professor to defend you. That bitch that is your Aunt isn't here to save you either."

"That doesn't mean that I am without defenses," said Harry. "I am not scared of you. Do your best, because even then it will not be anywhere near my level of intelligence and maturity. Do yourself a favor and leave while you are still able to walk on two legs."

Draco pulled out his wand and was about to cast his first spell when Harry waved him away. The next thing anyone knew, there was a screaming noise coming from behind the train. Harry and Cedric looked out and saw that Draco was being pulled along like a kite on a string.

"What is going on here?" asked Percy. "Why is Malfoy outside the train?"

"He was being his usual self," said Cedric. "He threatened and then tried to hex Harry. You know what happens when someone tries that."

"Say no more," said Percy. "I understand completely. I will see you all later."

With that, the Weasley prefect left them to finish his rounds on the train. Later that afternoon, Ronald decided to have one more go at Harry.

"Potter," said the red head. "My mum says that you have to give us some money. Therefore you better give it to us or else I am going to be forced to make you. My mum says that we deserve the money more than you do."

"If I give you some money, will you swear on your magic that you will not ask me for any more?" asked Harry seriously. "If you do that, then I will give you some money."

"I swear on my magic that if you give me some money then I will no longer bother you about it," said Ron pulling out his wand and smiling.

The glow that came from his wand surrounded him as the magic did its part. Harry reached into his pocket and pulled out a bronze knut and handed it to Ron.

"There you go Ron," said Harry smirking. "I have lived up to my end of the bargain and have given you some money. Now go away and never darken my step again. The next time might just cost you your magic."

"What are you playing at?" yelled Ron. "We have a magically binding contract. You swore to give me some money if I left you alone after that. This is not money. I demand that you live up to your end of the bargain."

"It is NOT my fault that you are an idiot," said Harry. "I lived up to my part of the contract. I gave you money. I just never mentioned how much and you were too stupid to bother asking for a certain amount. Now you have what you want and I got what I want. Now go away."

Harry pulled out his wand and within seconds, Ron was flying right along side of Draco. The others in the compartment were howling with laughter. They could not believe that Harry was able to pull off such a stunt and get away with it. They could also not believe that Ronald was that stupid.

"So what are you all going to do for the summer?" asked Harry. "I am going to stay with Aunt Petunia for a couple of weeks and then I am going back to Hogwarts. Professors McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, and Snape want me to come back for some advanced lessons. Due to my grades, they feel that I can handle the slightly harder stuff. Aunt Petunia knows that I will be safe as long as I am within the castle and with those four. Plus Dumbledore can't get into the common room that was set up for the heirs. She told me that she has a surprise for me for my birthday."

The others all spoke about what they were going to do with their summer. When the train stopped and the students all got off the train, Harry slung his bag over his shoulder as he didn't have that much to take home with him. He was about to walk out of the barrier when he heard Narcissa Malfoy and Molly Weasley all screaming behind him. Hermione and Cedric stopped with him as Susan and Neville ran to get their parents. Petunia and the Grangers came in on the run. As they were rushing up, they could see both women screaming and pointing at Harry.

"How dare you do that to my son?" screamed Narcissa. "You have no right to do that to anyone. When the Minister of Magic hears about this, your wand will be snapped and you will be sent to the muggle world for good. You will lose all of your money and your prestige and titles and everything."

Petunia Dursley and Jean and Dan Granger looked behind the screaming women and saw a Popsicle Draco and another in the form of Ronald.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER," yelled Molly causing everyone to jump at the volume of her voice. "What have you done to my child? How dare you do that to him?"

"He was threatening me," defended harry. "Am I to let him hex me and not defend myself? How was I to know that he was going to be with Draco behind the train rather than in it? I would really appreciate you not yelling at me. You are hurting my ears. As far as I am concerned I was just defending myself. Your son decided that he wanted to break a magical binding contract. Would you rather him frozen for a bit and still alive with his magic or would you like him to be aggravating, stupid, and without his magic."

"Mrs. Weasley," said Petunia walking up. "I would appreciate it if you would stand back and get out of my nephew's face. The same goes for you, Mrs. Malfoy. I am not sure quite what happened, but you can bet that if your sons are in the predicament that they are in, then they deserved what they got. Harry is not known for being vengeful nor is he one to maliciously hurt anyone."

"Shut up you bitch," snapped Molly. "I am going to take this child over my knee and teach him some manners about speaking that way to his elders."

"You are going to do what?" asked Petunia taking off her coat and handing it to Jean Granger. "Did you just threaten to harm my nephew? Did you just threaten to hurt the Potter heir? Did you just call me a bitch? Are you out of your damn mind? Do you know who in the hell you are talking to?"

Molly swung her hand at Petunia. The next thing she knew, she was on the ground with Petunia slapping her repeatedly. Narcissa was about to join in when Jean Granger handed Petunia's coat to her husband and jumped on the pureblood witch. Harry's eyes widened when the next thing he knew, there was a wrestling ring that appeared from nowhere. Minerva, Remus, and Severus were in the audience and were watching the scene with interest.

"I think I can enjoy this," said Minerva conjuring chairs for everyone. "I bet fifty galleons that Petunia and Jean will win."

"Do you think any of us is stupid enough to bet against that?" asked Severus sitting next to her. "Do you not remember what she did to Cornelius? His face didn't work for weeks after she was done with him."

Soon the four women were rolling around wrestling. Petunia had Molly in a chin lock and Jean raced and bounced off the ropes and hit her in the chest with her feet. Narcissa shrieked as Molly's face hit the mat. She climbed to the top rope and made to jump on Jean from behind. She missed and landed squarely on Molly. Jean grabbed Narcissa by the hair while Petunia grabbed Molly. Soon the music started and the sounds of Bang Your Head by Quiet Riot echoed through the platform. Every time the words said 'Bang your Head', both muggle women would slam the two pureblood's heads together. Soon Molly and Narcissa were unconscious on the mat. Hagrid watched as Petunia lifted up Narcissa and dropped her on top of Molly. Both she and Jean placed a foot on the two witches and Hagrid tapped to three declaring them the winners of the fight. Amelia Bones, the current Minister of Magic, waved her wand and conjured two belts. Petunia and Jean were awarded the tag team champions.

Later that evening, Petunia and Harry were sitting around the table at Privet Drive with Minerva when the lawyer came in. He had the papers all signed and her divorce was final. The women all packed up her and Harry's belonging and then assisted them in returning to Hogsmeade. Between Harry and Petunia, they bought a house in the village and stayed near the castle. Two weeks later, Harry was back at the castle and was reading through the books his professors gave him. Albus ran by screaming as a pair of robes was once again chasing him around the castle. Voldemort was on the Astronomy Tower crowing like a rooster. Harry sighed. Some things would never change. The last thing that happened before he went to bed that evening was hearing a loud fart.

The next day Petunia came to the castle and searched for Dumbledore. When she found him, she wrapped her arms around his neck and started to beat the living hell out of him.

"Petunia?" asked Minerva. "Why are you beating the shit out of Dumbledore? What has he done this time? Harry has not mentioned that he has done him anything."

"Half of Hogsmeade is destroyed thanks to his latest theory that my nephew is the source of all his problems," she said. "My brand new house was leveled in the earthquake that it caused. I am here to extract some revenge. Even when we get the house rebuilt, it will take forever to get the smell out of the area."

"Say no more," said Minerva and she left while Albus pleaded with her to save him.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – I will stat with the second book beginning next chapter. I hope that you got a couple of chuckles out of this chapter.