This is a very special chapter of Rebuilding, because it contains a new serious segment that I'd actually planned ahead! Surprising!
Thank you for your reviews, they made me smile and look up at the skies wistfully, thinking about times o' yore and wonder.
Or at least the flame did. Although, I wrote that and taped it to the computer screen. I should control my language, I hurt my feelings.
Chapter 28!
Rebuilding
Chapter 28: Gangsta' of Pop Sta'
Dear Overlord, from none other than the Ancient Minister,
I must say I was shocked when I learned it was you who recruited me into the Subspace Army, not because I thought you too weak to be a leader, but rather I thought you would have deemed me no more than a worthless lackey.
Once I, along with Solid Snake and Sonic the Hedgehog, planted the bomb at the old Smash Mansion, I saw a familiar face – or lack thereof – make an escape. A foolish move. Duon and Galleom were planted at the site of the third Mansion in the guise of realtors and I have gathered from my last encounter that the current Smash Brothers fell prey to our ruse.
Duon and Galleom were able to plant a communication device on the Chozo Suit that Samus Aran favors so much, and thus, we are able to hear everything that happens around Aran, and by extension, the rest of the current Smash Brothers.
I'd like to thank you openly for providing suggestions for possible new Smash Brothers. Sonic the Hedgehog tracked down one of the new Brothers you correctly assumed would arrive, a Pokemon Trainer from Kanto, and planted a motion tracker on him. In addition to hearing everything the SSB do, we are now able to pinpoint their collective location as long as they keep the Trainer around them.
Whilst all of this was progressing, Solid Snake had been dispatched to kill all veterans who had not yet returned to the new SSB. He attacked Ness and Marth, but was...defeated by an old friend. Fortunately, he was able to incapacitate Mewtwo, Roy, and Pichu earlier on while we stormed the second Mansion. I, meanwhile, sent a Primid army to Mirage Island, where I knew Mr. Game and Watch would end up, in the hopes that they would defeat him and harvest the Shadow Bugs that inhabit him. Unfortunately, the Primids were compromised by a balloon.
Mario's brother then later brought Game and Watch and the balloon together to Silph Co. Sonic then attacked, but the three were able to evade him and call together a group of the veterans to New Pork City. It was there where the child Link had fled Snake and fallen into my hands, and where Duon and Galleom had bound Falco Lombardi and Ganondorf Dragmire to a capsule.
It was then that one of the most painful losses to our army occurred. Solid Snake defected after holding Captain Falcon at gunpoint, and joined the Smash Brothers. The child version of Link, for reasons unknown to even myself, was able to summon ghost-like apparitions of the deceased Brothers, and they defeated me. Also, a foe you know all too well sent the Aura Pokemon to disarm the bomb we had planted in New Pork City. You will be most glad to know he failed, and Snake was the only survivor of the bomb attack.
Snake had fled to the Halberd, where the new SSB were. After Sonic and I ensured our escape from the blast radius, we told Duon and Galleom to take the capsule from the top of the tower and go into hiding. Sonic and I pursued Snake and his new friends back to Shadow Moses Island, and the pink puffball Kirby destroyed the brainwashing beacon I had used on Snake and Sonic, turning the latter out of my control.
What's worse, even though the old SSB have apparently been killed in Subspace, the new SSB – including the traitors – have resurrected New Pork City. We've lost two of our members to the SSB, and I will not fail you again, my Lord.
The new SSB stood before a large, twinkling building in New Pork City, completely dumbstruck.
"This is it!" grinned Lucas enthusiastically. "New Pork Arcade!"
"Hey lamers, what's happening?" asked Zelda, rejoining the others and covered in sand.
"Where have you been?" asked Link, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, I stayed behind with Sandbag," replied Zelda offhandedly. "We were just playing."
"Playing what?" demanded Link. "You're covered in sand!"
"...we were playing 'Beat Me with a Stick and Never Stop, Zelda'," replied Zelda.
"That is his favourite game," smiled Link.
"So what's this dump?" asked Zelda.
"N-new Pork Arcade!" stuttered Lucas, already knowing to keep his distance around the princess of Hyrule.
"Enoughs small talk, macses," said Diddy. "Let's go ins and play the games alreadies!"
The SSB walked into the arcade, and even Lucas was shocked to see a new game.
"Void to Dayess Land..." read Lucas.
"Games! Games! Games!" chanted Fox.
"Mr. Lucas, do you know why it's nothing but a swirling white circle?" asked Peach.
Lucas shook his head.
"Games! Games! James! Games!" chanted Fox, running into the circle.
Fox disappeared.
"I likes this game," grinned Diddy.
"Hold on a minute-a..." said Mario, reading the sign closer. "This isn't-a Dayess Land! It's Dee Ess Land-a! DS Land! It's-a trap-a!"
"No, that one's a trap," said Link, pointing to the next 'game', which was nothing but a pit of fire.
"Oh-a," replied Mario. "Guess this is fine, then-a,"
Mario's eyes nervously darted over to Peach.
"Uh, Peach-a?" asked Mario. "Ladies first-a, you go in!"
Peach held her head up higher, drew herself to her full height, and walked into the portal without acknowledging Mario.
"We let a ladies in, we're goods to go!" grinned Diddy, grabbing Lucas' hand and throwing him in.
As Diddy followed, Mario sighed.
"I do respect-a you, Peach..." muttered Mario, staring into the portal.
Peach, Fox, Lucas and Diddy Kong were the first four to tumble into DS Land.
"This isn't a game!" protested Fox at once. "This is PictoChat!"
"PictoChat..." repeated Peach, Lucas and Diddy at the same time, all waving a vague arm upwards.
"It's a chat room type thing," said Fox. "But I use it to draw pee-pees and mail them to my friends!"
"Real matures, mac," scoffed Diddy angrily.
"Hehe, good one," laughed Lucas shakily, too kind to argue.
"Mr. Fox, this is disgusting!" yelled Peach, checking her DS.
"It's got pinstripes!" laughed Fox hysterically. "To make it go faster!"
Fox collapsed on the ground, pummelling the floor in laughter.
"Haaaaaaa-here we go!" cried Pikachu, arriving in the PictoChat lobby. "Let's beat some games!"
Pikachu looked around.
"What the hell kind of game's this?" asked Pikachu, looking disinterested.
"Alright, let's set a two minute round of Slayer, spawn points on either side of the map, Underground-class voice chat encouraged-goddammit, this looks terrible," rambled Zelda, being next to arrive. "Where's the guns? Where's the anything? I'm leaving!"
"We can't," replied Peach. "Sorry Miss Zelda, but we're stuck here now."
"Are the parental controls set up correctly?" asked Link, appearing. "I sure hope this game is child-friendly!"
Link looked around at his surroundings.
"I must say, this hardly constitutes a game," scoffed Link.
Ike appeared, spraying breath spray into his mouth and licking his lips.
"Alright party people, what we got here? Leisure Suit Larry? Dead or Alive? Metroid?" asked Ike, rubbing his palms together in anticipation. "All excellent titles!"
"Neither, this is a chat room," replied Link.
"Chat room, eh?" asked Ike, winking. "I gotcha."
Ike whipped out some cologne, followed by some viagr-
"Not that kind!" reprimanded Link, slapping the items out of Ike's hands. "The more acceptable one!"
"Sounds lame," sighed Ike. He then looked up and called "Sorry guys!"
Bowser and Donkey Kong appeared, looking disappointed.
"But I wanted to talk to heavensbabe21..." lamented Bowser.
"Yeah, and I was selling viagra to some chump named greils-pride!" moaned DK.
"That's me!" said Ike. "That's funny, sounds like you were selling it to me!"
...
"Oh..." mumbled Ike, embarrassed.
Yoshi appeared and fell face first on the floor.
"He tripped through the portal," sighed Kirby angrily, appearing to pick up the dinosaur. "So there's no games?"
"Doesn't look like it," replied Lucas, disappointed.
Suddenly, an ominous, announcer-like voice echoed throughout the chat room.
"BRRRRRRRRREAK THE TARGETS!" yelled the voice.
"How dare you tell me what to do?" fumed DK. "And furthermore, where the hell are the targets?"
Ten targets suddenly appeared, most of them in mid-air.
"Well this is stupid," DK yelled up at the targets. "How am I supposed to break 'em if I can't reach 'em? At least I get as long as I want to figure this one out!"
"FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!" counted the voice. "FAAAAAAILURE..."
"I see a timer," pointed out Bowser. "Sorry bud, looks like you suck. Can't say I'm too surprised."
While DK punched Bowser, everyone else looked up at the targets.
"Whoa!" cried Samus, next to fall through into the room. "What are these things?"
While free-falling, Samus wildly shot at the targets, desperately trying to destroy one.
"I'll catch you, babe," smirked Ike, stepping forward and strategically placing his hands.
"New target acquired!" shouted Samus, aiming straight downwards.
"Ow, my dexterity!" cried Ike, being shot in both palms.
Ike tumbled over aimlessly and ran into a wall.
"Ow, my co-ordination!" cried Ike, rubbing his brain.
Ike noticed he got blood all over his forehead and into his eyes.
"Ow, my vision!" cried Ike.
"Everyone else is still worried about what's in here," Samus reported upon landing. "Expect people to gradually arrive, we just queued up eventually. Kirby, I think Meta-Knight's next."
"Great," scoffed Kirby, looking up at the spot everyone else had fallen from. "Can't wait..."
Meta-Knight appeared out of nowhere and began flying down slowly.
"Free-fall, you pansy!" shouted Kirby.
Meta-Knight threw his sword at Kirby.
"Ow! Jerk!" cried Kirby, rubbing a wound.
"Yeah, it slipped," chuckled Meta-Knight, landing next to Kirby, who was bleeding. "Damn, how long does it take some of these people to just go through a portal?"
"Well, big guys seem to fall down faster," replied Yoshi. "I'm kind of heavy, and I came down quick!"
"You tripped," replied Kirby bluntly.
"And Bowser, Ike, and DK came down quick!" continued Yoshi, ignoring Kirby. "I bet it's just the light people that we're waiting for!"
Wario smashed through the floor.
"Gravity, consider yourself marked down in my list," grunted Wario, pulling himself up from the ground. "My bombing list...argh, what's on my back?"
"Thanks for the ride, dude!" laughed Sonic, his spikes latched onto the folds of Wario's back. "Made it easier to get here!"
"Macs, why can't everyone else just get here?" asked Diddy Kong, frustrated.
"Wait a minute...Mr. Wario, shake yourself," requested Peach.
Wario grinned seductively and danced for Peach. A large fold of his flab unravelled and everyone else who hadn't jumped through the portal fell out, gasping for air.
"Oh for the love of-lose some weight-a, fatty!" shouted Mario, looking up at Wario.
"I've seen things..." groaned Pikachu. "Unimaginable things..."
"I'm never calling boxes uncomfortable again," sighed Snake, rubbing the back of his neck.
"It's hard to look on the bright side when you can't see it for flab..." wheezed Pokemon Trainer.
Nana was too disgusted to lift up her hammer to hit Wario, and Popo was unconscious.
"That. Was. AWESOME!" cheered Pit. "I wanna do it again! I wanna do it again!"
Everyone stared at Pit.
"I mean, ew! Wario!" said Pit in a high, false voice.
As soon as everyone turned away, Pit licked his lips enticingly at Wario.
"So this is a chatroom?" asked Pit. "Cause I was trying to talk to KingofKoopas, so I can get his number!"
"You're heavensbabe21?!" screamed Bowser.
"Hey, what's that thing over there?" asked Yoshi, pointing while Pit leered at Bowser and Wario.
Everyone looked over at where Yoshi was pointing, and the majority were confused as to just what they were seeing.
Four baby-like creatures wearing what looked like red sweaters were carrying a throne that looked like a miniature boxing ring. Sitting in the middle of the ring was a huge robed penguin, carrying a massive hammer.
"What a fatass," scoffed Wario.
Mario, Snake, Pit, Pikachu and the Ice Climbers all exchanged glances.
"Oh you've got to be kidding me," sighed Meta-Knight, squeezing his eyes shut.
"Why did he have to track us down?" asked Kirby.
"Darnelle, Alphonse, stop here, dawgs," said the penguin, motioning downwards to the babies.
"Hey! You!" cried Bowser harshly before anyone could stop him. "Who the hell do you think you are?"
"No, Bowser, don't!" cried Kirby. "He's just going to – "
The penguin smirked, jumped off of his throne, and pulled out a boombox.
"Awwwwwww yeah..." said the penguin in a deep voice. He set it down on the ground and pressed play.
A fresh urban beat began to play, and the penguin began to perform some dance moves.
" – rap..." finished Kirby, looking at the penguin in disgust.
"My name is D,
To,
Da Powa' of three.
Dat's what mah Waddle Dee bitches all call me.
I rule Dream Land wit' mah iron fist,
Stealin' cake to get the pink one pissed.
Kirby, yeah, he all up in my grill,
He ask 'Where my cake?', I tell him to chill.
Cause I is Dedede, straight up-G,
King D to da powa' of three!" rapped King Dedede, folding his arms in a rapper pose.
"That was the worst song ever," scoffed Bowser. "Kirby, this is your villain? Lame!"
"You playa hatin'?" asked King Dedede, snarling at Bowser.
"Come on man, he's right," said Kirby. "You're lame."
"That's just wack," replied Dedede. "You just sayin' that cause yo' a racist, dawg."
"Oh no, no, no," intervened Meta-Knight. "Playing the racism card didn't work when I wouldn't let you kill Kirby last time, and it won't work now."
"Ear up, dawgs," said Dedede, ignoring Meta-Knight. "I want to be one of you Super Smashizzles."
"I dunno your highness," scoffed Bowser. "To be a Super Smash Brother, you sort of need...fighting skills..."
"I'll pop you, mang," snarled Dedede. "Just gimme a chance."
"Yeah, heavyweight fight!" demanded Wario. "Bring it on!"
While Bowser and Wario stared at Dedede intently, Diddy Kong turned to DK.
"Macs, you fight him toos," said Diddy. "You heards the terrorist, heavyweights fight!"
"Oh, I don't know," said DK. "I think those two can take the King."
"Fines, but he's gonna challenges you eventually," warned Diddy.
"I am so embarrassed right now," groaned Kirby, one hand over his face.
"At least he's creative!" consoled Pokemon Trainer. "That could be a good thing on lonely days! A creative mind is a positive mind!"
"You shut up," replied Kirby, glaring at the Trainer.
"You foo's betta' be ready fo' my hot moves," warned Dedede, looking Bowser in the eye.
"As I'll ever be, fatty," snarled Bowser, looking right back at Dedede.
Without warning, King Dedede launched himself straight up in the air.
"Look!" cried DK. "That's a serious jump! Diddy, now do you see why I'm not fighting him?"
"Yeahs, he's gonna mess thems up when he lands!" replied Diddy, looking fearfully up at the airborne penguin.
"Bowser, help!" screamed Wario. "He's going to trizzle the shizzle all over the hizzle!"
"I know! Wait, what? I know!" cried Bowser, jumping into Wario's arms.
Wario fell over and became a sitting duck for the attack.
"Funkin' freaks, making this too easy, yo," scoffed Dedede, landing on the two heavyweights.
"Ha! You're open now!" growled Bowser triumphantly, lifting himself out from under the king and rearing back his claw.
"Guesszizzle again," smirked Dedede, dodging Bowser's blow and smacking him with his hammer. "Alright, where's your other big daddy heavyweight?"
Snake frantically took off all of his gear.
"I'm just a light fighter in a Sneaking Suit, no need for any alarm," said Snake hastily.
"There you is!" roared Dedede ungrammatically, pointing at Donkey Kong.
"You don't understand, I'm not here to fight you!" cried DK frantically.
"Too late for that!" shouted Dedede. "Darnelle! Get yo' sweet ass ova' here!"
The Waddle Dee sighed. "What d'you want now?"
Dedede picked up Darnelle and threw him at DK.
"No! Keep your sweater babies to yourself!" cried DK, being bludgeoned with a Waddle Dee.
"Doo-Money!" bellowed Dedede, throwing a Waddle Doo at DK.
"Ow! Electricity!" moaned DK, being shocked.
"On wit' da Gordo!" shouted Dedede, throwing Gordo at DK.
"Ow! Spikes!" moaned DK, being stabbed.
"On Tabitha! On Shaquafafa! On Raquel! On Kyresh! On Rudolph!" shouted Dedede, throwing Waddle Dee after Waddle Dee.
"See why this is embarrassing?" asked Meta-Knight, gesturing at Dedede.
"It's like urban Christmas with this guy!" fumed Kirby. "Mario, you get a turtle, Link, you get the King of Evil, but noooo! My villain's baby-throwing rapper penguin Santa!"
"I have the Eggplant Wizard," smiled Pit.
"Even that sounds kind of cool," sobbed Kirby.
"Macs, shouldn't we helps my uncle?" asked Diddy, pointing at DK.
"So...many...sweaters..." groaned DK.
"I still has my hammer, bi-atch!" snarled Dedede, pulling it out. "With a new feature...izzle!"
"Dear god, the head of his hammer is expanding!" gasped Link.
"Alright!" cheered Pit. "Oh...by 'hammer', you meant...his actual hammer...sorry..."
Kirby and Meta-Knight looked back up at Dedede's hammer.
"It's an...engine?" asked Meta-Knight.
"It's a rocket?" asked Kirby.
"It's a hammer," explained Fox. "Doy."
"This be my Jet Hammer, y'all!" grinned King Dedede. "Watch it bring the smackdown on this preppy homie!"
Dedede smacked DK with the Jet Hammer. DK was hit in the face with an explosion and landed in a bloody heap on the floor.
Everyone looked at Dedede.
"That was the hottest thing I've ever seen," uttered Zelda, completely stunned. "Welcome to us!"
"Awwwww yeah," said Dedede in a deep voice.
Well, I'd been spending time writing Dedede's introductory rap since I first played as him in my third ever match, and I hope it turned out funny and busta-rhyme-tastic enough. I love Dedede but hate rap, so no idea if I did either of them justice!
Also, the back-and-forths between the Ancient Minister and his unknown master won't be that long in the future, the first one was basically just a status report.
Read, review, speculate, pontificate, flame, whatever you want, you reader, you.