A/N: Hi everyone, hope life is treating you well. This one was fun. Good times, messing with Jacob's head and all. In the next couple of chapters, I foresee myself pouring over, not just Eclipse, but the Short Second Life of Bree Tanner as well, as there is lots of parallel stuff to take into account. Pardon me while my head explodes.
As always, thanks to shasta53 for your awesome powers of beta. Much love to all. Thanks for your reviews, PM's, and great Twi-chats. You guys are the sparkle to my vampire.
Monster
It was safe to say, that was the longest night of my endless life. Jacob spent two incredibly frustrating hours stroking Bella's hair and whispering to her – things I wished I couldn't hear, but found impossible to ignore.
"Everything's going to be fine now. I've got you. You're warm, you're safe. It could be like this always, you know."
I growled quietly, but it only seemed to spur him on. Eventually, Bella began her usual nightly routine of sleep talking, and I grinned wildly when my name was the first word she spoke.
Just when I thought nothing could ruin this night for me, Jacob thought sourly. "I'm here, Bella. It's me, remember? Jacob's got you."
Subtle. To my delight, however, Jacob's insistent murmurings didn't stop her from saying my name. She even said she loved me – a wonderful moment of reprieve for me – and if Jacob hadn't been almost as preoccupied with her safety as I was, I might have worried he would crush her as his temper flared.
"You can't change what she's dreaming about," I said softly.
Shut up! he hissed. He could probably feel me beaming. My joy was short lived, though, as the pattern of her dreams did, in fact, change. I heard her breathing pick up, and even though her position kept me from seeing her face, I knew it must be lined with worry. She was dreaming about the upcoming fight, and kept muttering, "Stay safe," and "Look out." Although I wasn't going to be in the clearing when the newborns arrived, I was foolish enough to think she was still dreaming about me – worrying about me.
"Jacob," she gasped, and I saw a wide grin stretch across his face.
Now that's more like it, he thought slyly.
"Please, no, Jacob. Don't go."
As the wind screamed outside the tent, I realized the violent sounds around us were probably making her nightmares that much more vivid. "Cover her ears, mongrel," I whispered fiercely. "The noise is enough to wake her up."
Oh, I doubt very much that's what you're worried about. You'd probably like her to wake up right about now. All this Jacob talk must be driving you crazy.
I sighed, frustrated that he seemed untroubled by her nightmare, as long as he was in it. I thought the worst was over when Bella's breathing slowed again. She was quiet for several minutes as Jacob rubbed his fingers up and down her back. When she spoke again, I could tell she wasn't upset, like before. This time, her dream was a pleasant one, and though I'd always wished only good dreams for Bella, her words pierced through me.
"Jacob," she sighed. "So warm. Just stay."
My eyes shut tight against the pain, and I quickly reminded myself how necessary Jacob was, at least for this one night.
"Don't go. Don't fight. Stay here." Everything she said made perfect sense, given the situation. I knew she'd been worried about him, and even if she wasn't, it would have been rather difficult for her subconscious to ignore the hundred and eight degree mutt that was keeping her warm. I'd managed to calm myself down again, but when she sighed, "Jacob. My Jacob," I could no longer remain silent. The snarl that ripped through my throat could have easily woken her, but she barely flinched.
Hey now, leech. Don't go waking up my Bella just when she's getting to the good part. Jacob was trying to stay his usual, cocky self, but I heard what was beneath the surface. He was surprised – and positively ecstatic. Oh, Bella, thank you. I love you so much. I'm yours. Just tell me you want me and I'm yours, always. My Bella. I'm not going anywhere, don't worry. I'll stay with you.
With Bella's words swirling through his mind, Jacob finally fell asleep. I was grateful I wouldn't have to be subjected to more of his taunting, although it certainly didn't get any quieter simply because he was long longer talking out loud. The sea of images in his unconscious mind were vivid and infuriating, but I took some solace in the way Bella seemed to start pulling away from him when his arms tightened around her. I hoped that, although she was enjoying his warmth, somewhere in her mind, she'd started to miss me.
Jacob was blissfully unaware of Bella's attempt to pull away from him, and as he held her closer, I was bombarded by another round of images. He was confessing his love to her her again and again, his thoughts so coherent that it was difficult to tell whether he'd woken up or was still dreaming. Either way, I could feel my patience waning, and for the first time, I found myself wrestling with the idea of leaving the tent. I knew Bella was safe – there was no question of that, with Jacob effectively soldered to her – and the idea of a quick, impromptu hunting trip was sounding better by the second. There had to be a deer or elk nearby, assuming they weren't all frozen, and the thought of a few minutes with my conscious mind turned off was very appealing. A few moments later, I came to my senses, talking myself out of such a selfish idea. I couldn't leave Bella. What if she woke up and I wasn't there? Instead, I went back to counting the minutes, and trying without success not to hear what Jacob's mind was shouting.
The hours passed, and I breathed a deep sigh of relief when I heard Bella take in several quick, sharp breaths, then watched her eyes flutter open. She shifted uncomfortably, trying to break free of the iron hold Jacob was keeping her in, and I saw her roll her eyes before lifting her head and searching for me. She smiled awkwardly, and I wondered what my expression showed. I tried to smile, though it was difficult with her still wrapped in Jacob'sarms. Still, I didn't want her to feel even a moment's guilt for what seeing her wake up with him was doing to me. There had been no other way, and as much as I loathed the situation, I knew I would be forever in Jacob's debt.
"Is it any warmer out there?" she asked.
"Yes. I don't think the space heater will be necessary today."
She struggled again, attempting to free herself from Jacob's grasp. I was all too willing to help with her predicament, but there was still a chill in the air, and I didn't want to force her back into the cold if she wasn't ready.
"Some help?" she finally asked, and it was all I needed for the smile to return to my face. The night was over, and Bella would never have to be in Jacob's arms again.
"Did you want me to take his arms all the way off?"
"No, thank you. Just get me free. I'm going to get heat stroke."
I nearly laughed as I realized how anxious she was to get away, and without another thought, I unzipped the sleeping bag and Jacob came tumbling out.
"Hey!" he yelled, rolling back onto Bella. Furious and completely out of patience, I lunged at him, growling and snapping. I grabbed his shoulder and hurled him off of Bella – my Bella – launching him into the side of the tent.
What the hell? Filthy bloodsucker, don't touch me!
I was still seeing red, my instincts on high alert. Don't ever touch her again! was the only thought in my head. We were both crouched, ready to attack, when we heard Seth outside.
What's going on it there? Whatever it is, it's probably going to piss some people off and not solve anything, so would you both just knock it off?
I figured Seth was probably referring to Sam, and possibly Carlisle, but in that moment, the only person I was worried about upsetting was Bella. I saw how distraught she was seconds before she started yelling, and I tried to stop the rage that was still building as I stared at Jacob.
"Stop it, stop it!" she shouted, positioning herself between her two monsters. I reached out to her, pulling her toward me, and her touch instantly comforted me. I was ready to stop the fight, but my eyes were glued to Jacob, who was clearly not in complete control. I wondered how much effort it was taking for him not to phase right there in the tent.
"Stop it, now," Bella repeated, misunderstanding the intensity in my eyes. I listened closely as Jacob tried to calm down. He kept repeating, keep it together, have to keep Bella safe, like a mantra.
Seth was still snarling outside the tent, his claws raking against the side like he was about to come barreling through. Jacob, dude, listen to me. You're fine. You've got this. Just get out of there. No need to spend one more second in the company of that leech, right? Come on, man, just calm down.
Jacob's eyes were still wild, but I could tell he was steadily regaining control.
"Jacob?" Bella asked softly, concerned. She waited while his breathing slowed, probably never thinking about the danger she'd been in as his temper flared. When he finally turned to look at her, she asked, "Are you hurt?"
"Of course not!" he yelled, and I felt my rage surge again. There was absolutely no need to raise his voice to her. I looked at Bella to see if she was upset or offended, but it was me she was glaring at.
"That wasn't nice. You should say sorry."
"You must be joking – he was crushing you!"
"Because you dumped him on the floor! He didn't do it on purpose, and he didn't hurt me."
I couldn't stifle the groan of disgust at the thought of apologizing to that mongrel. It didn't help matters any that he was mentally goading me on, but after everything I went through the night before, a few more words between us probably wouldn't matter much. I wasn't sure I'd be able to muster up any amount of sincerity, but I figured simply saying the words would be good enough for Bella at that point.
"My apologies, dog."
"No harm done." I'm still enjoying that warm, cozy feeling of waking up next to Bella. Mmm, did I sleep great . . .
Ignoring him for what would hopefully be the last time that day, I turned to Bella just in time to see her shiver and wrap her arms around herself.
"Here," I said, wrapping the parka around her.
"That's Jacob's."
"Jacob has a fur coat." I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, a silent warning that it was time to leave. If he understood my meaning, he certainly didn't make any attempt to comply.
"I'll just use the sleeping bag again, in you don't mind. I wasn't quite ready to wake up. That wasn't the best night's sleep I ever had."
"It was your idea."
Jacob had already made himself comfortable once more, and though he tried to hide it, he couldn't stop the fleeting thought at how empty the sleeping bag felt without Bella there with him. His eyes were shut against his frustration, and the conflicting thoughts of what he wanted and what he thought he could actually obtain. Much to my dismay, his night with Bella seemed to have solidified his feelings for her, and his desperation to have her beside him, always.
"I didn't say it wasn't the best night I've ever spent. Just that I didn't get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella was never going to shut up."
Bella tensed, and I scowled at him for making her feel badly. I had actually been hoping to avoid that conversation entirely, but now I was certain she would want to know what she'd said.
"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," I said sarcastically, glaring at Jacob.
"Didn't you have a nice night, then?"
"It wasn't the worst night of my life." I was not going to give him the satisfaction. And, of course, I had lived through far worse.
"Did it make the top ten?" Come on, admit it. You were miserable. I know that stone cold heart of yours feels something, so just own up to it already.
I couldn't understand why it meant so much to Jacob to know I was unhappy. Perhaps it was my hundred odd years of watching humans torment each other – and watching it solve absolutely nothing – but it seemed a pointless thing to wish unhappiness on others, simply because you aren't satisfied with your own life. I felt a strange pang of sympathy for Jacob, and a hope in the back of my mind that life would eventually teach him that his happiness wasn't dependent on his enemy's misery.
"Possibly," I finally conceded.
That's more like it, he thought, closing his eyes again. Now, maybe I'll just get back to dreaming about Bella. She was certainly dreaming about me. Mmm, it's so nice to actually be able to think about touching her, and kissing her, without worrying I'm going to crush her into tiny pieces . . .
It would never cease to amaze me how quickly Jacob could squelch any and all friendly feelings I'd managed to have toward him.
"But," I replied casually, "if I had been able to take your place last night, it would not have made the top ten of the best nights of my life. Dream about that."
He tried not to see it, not to imagine how easily I really could be with Bella, but I could see that, in the back of his mind, even he knew I would never hurt her. It was true, I would probably always have to be painstakingly careful around Bella – as long as she was human. Yet somehow I was capable of being close to her, kissing her and caressing her, and the thought of that was enough to send Jacob flying out the tent door.
"You know what? I think it's too crowded in here."
"I couldn't agree more." I felt Bella's elbow in my side, and I hoped I hadn't upset her. It really was in everyone's best interest that Jacob and I part ways. There was only so far we could push our unsteady alliance.
"Guess I'll catch up on my sleep later, then." Away from Bella. Alone, as usual. His face pulled into a scowl as he tried to banish his thoughts. "I need to talk to Sam anyway."
Bella sucked in a sharp breath as he stepped outside, and I knew before she spoke that she would ask – perhaps even beg – Jacob to stay.
"Jake, wait – " she pleaded, trying to grasp his arm.
Enough. I can't take this. Either you want me or you don't, and clearly, you don't. He tugged his arm roughly away from her reach, and the gesture spoke more loudly than the words I'd heard.
"Please, Jake? Won't you stay?"
"No." I could see the pain in Bella's eyes, and Jacob must have too, because he quickly add, "Don't worry about me, Bells. I'll be fine, just like I always am. `Sides, you think I'm going to let Seth go in my place – have all the fun and steal all the glory? Right."
"Be careful – "she started to say, but he was already outside, muttering, "Give it a rest, Bella." When all this was over, I really would need to teach him a lesson or two regarding manners.
I watched Bella's expression as she listened for signs that Jacob had left. After a moment, she seemed to accept that he had disappeared off into the woods. I didn't have the heart to tell her that he was quietly pacing just outside, as frustrated and confused as ever.
Am I really just supposed to leave her here with him? Like my work here is done – I kept her warm, and then pass her back off to the bloodsucker? I should have just ripped his head off and been done with it. She would've been pissed for awhile, but she'd get over it eventually, right? She's almost gotten over him once before. I can wait it out. Jeez, what am I doing? The fight's about to start, and Sam's gonna be pissed if I don't get there soon.
A moment later, his thoughts were joined by other voices from the pack.
Enough, Jacob.
I can't listen to this anymore.
Yeah, man. Give it up already. There's more important vampires to worry about killing than that leech of Bella's.
Seriously, Jacob, the fight's starting in, like, an hour. At least that's what the psychic leech told Sam. While you were, ya know, playing space heater for your girlfriend.
You guys aren't helping! Jacob snapped.
Hey, leave him alone, Seth said. And Jake, I know it sucks, but for now, you gotta let it go, okay? They're right that you need to get focused. The army is almost here.
I wished he would listen to them. I wished Sam would join in the conversation so he would have no choice but to listen. But Jacob couldn't stop imagining Bella curling up beside me, happier than she'd been with him – glad her night with Jacob was over.
"How much longer?" Bella asked quietly, pulling me from Jacob's thoughts. Her head was resting gently against my shoulder.
"Alice told Sam it should be an hour or so."
"We stay together. No matter what."
"No matter what," I promised.
Bella must have misread the anxiety in my eyes, because she took a deep breath and sighed. "I know. I'm terrified for them, too."
"They know how to handle themselves. I just hate missing the fun." She glared at me, troubled by seemingly flippant attitude. Really, though, I wasn't worried about my family. I felt remnants of the guilt they'd assured me was unnecessary, but I trusted them to handle to fight perfectly. They were more than prepared. "Don't worry," I told Bella again, kissing her forehead.
"Sure, sure."
"Do you want me to distract you?" I traced my fingertips along her cheeks, marveling in the warmth I felt coming off her skin, though I knew she must still be cold. When she shivered, I knew I needed to stop, at least for the time being. "Maybe not right now." There would be plenty of time for us to be together when we were back home and all the insanity was over.
"There are other ways to distract me," she hinted.
"What would you like?"
"You could tell me about your ten best nights. I'm curious."
I laughed, happy to finally be talking about a more cheerful subject. It felt like all we'd done lately was worry. "Try to guess."
"There're too many nights I don't know about. A century of them."
I wished we were back at my house so I could have wrapped my arms around her and kissed her properly. I couldn't believe that after all this time, she still didn't understand. Every good night I'd ever had was because of her. My existence was nothing before I'd found her.
"I'll narrow it down for you. All of my best nights have happened since I met you."
"Really?" she asked, grinning the sweetest smile as her cheeks got back some of their color.
"Yes, really – and by quite a wide margin, too."
I was happy this pleased her, though I didn't understand how there could have been any doubt. She thought for a few moments, then said, "I can only think of mine."
"They might be the same."
"Well, there was the first night. The night you stayed."
"Yes, that's one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my favorite part."
"That's right. I was talking that night, too."
"Yes." I smiled warmly, everything in my entire being radiating the love I felt for her. Every time I thought of that first night – when she'd told me she loved me in her dreams, and then again when she awoke – I was filled with wonder and awe at the precious gift I'd somehow been granted.
Bella was quiet for a long moment, and I assumed she was still thinking about that first perfect night. She surprised me when she asked, "What did I say last night?"
I'd all but forgotten Jacob's presence outside, having tuned most of the pack's chatter out in favor of Bella's more pleasant conversation. It was impossible not to hear him now, though, since Bella had brought up his current favorite subject.
She said my name, he remembered reverently. She called me her Jacob.
I shrugged in response to Bella's question, not particularly in the mood to discuss it, and certainly not wanting to upset or embarrass her.
"That bad?" she persisted.
"Nothing too horrible."
"Please tell me."
"Mostly you said my name, the same as usual."
"That's not bad."
Don't lie to her, you filthy leech. Admit it. You tell her or I'll come back in there and tell her myself.
Just give it a rest, Jake, the pack chimed in immediately. Sam's about to order you back, anyway, so you might as well leave now.
He was having nothing of it. He wanted to know how she would react to knowing she'd been dreaming, and talking, about him.
"Near the end, though, you started mumbling some nonsense about 'Jacob, my Jacob.' Your Jacob enjoyed that quite a lot." I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice, but I was sure it was there. A second later, Bella was stretching up to kiss my chin, and all the bitterness vanished.
"Sorry. That's just the way I differentiate."
"Differentiate?"
"Between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Between the Jacob I like and the one who annoys the hell out of me."
"That makes sense."
It sure as hell does not make sense! Jacob was in a frenzy. I was certain Bella would hear him, but she was still looking up at me, her lips barely grazing my jawline, exhaling her warm, perfect breathe and making me feel alive.
"Tell me another favorite night," I said, smiling back at her.
"Flying home from Italy."
My smile disappeared as I recalled in perfect detail the horrors that had transpired that day. Yet, despite all that had happened, I knew I had been filled with joy during the flight home. Bella was safe and in my arms, something less than twenty-four hours prior, I had thought would never be true again. I remembered not caring whether or not she still loved me, or if she would ever forgive me. All that mattered was that she was alive. I could remember joy, but I didn't comprehend how Bella could. She'd been face to face with the most vicious of our kind, and had witnessed atrocities no one should ever have to endure. On top of all that, she was also fully convinced I no longer wanted her, and although she – impossibly – did still love me, she didn't believe she had my love in return.
"Is that not one of yours?" she asked, scrutinizing my expression.
"No, it is one of mine, actually, but I'm surprised it's on your list. Weren't you under the ludicrous impression I was just acting from a guilty conscious, and I was going to bolt as soon as the plane doors opened?"
"Yes. But, still, you were there."
If I were still able to cry tears, I would have. That she could be so grateful for my presence to have overlooked all the other horrors that night, was perhaps the most beautiful display of her love I'd ever seen. All I could think to do was kiss the top of her head and silently thank whatever force had brought us back together. "You love me more than I deserve."
She laughed, though I couldn't figure out why, and continued. "Next would be the night after Italy."
"Yes, that's on the list. You were so funny."
"Funny?" she repeated, sounding almost offended. Perhaps it wasn't the right word, but I'd been practically giddy with relief that we were together again.
"I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convince you that you were awake."
"I'm still not sure. You've always seemed more like a dream than reality."
I was somewhere between wanting to argue with her that she thought far too much of me, and basking in just how much she actually loved me, when Jacob's thoughts interrupted Bella and my otherwise quiet moment.
Nightmare is more like it. Please, Bella, you're making me sick here.
Once again, I'd managed to forget Jacob was there at all. I might have let him remain outside, miserable because of his own eavesdropping, but his ability to effectively ruin so many beautiful moments reminded me that our odd little truce had ended when the sun came up.
"Tell me one of yours, now. Did I guess your first place?" Bella urged.
"No – that would be two nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me." I'd expected a reaction from Jacob, but it was somewhat more desperate than I'd anticipated.
What? No. NO! You're not going to marry that filthy leech! Bella, please, no!
The grunts and snarls Jacob could not longer keep to himself might have alerted Bella to his presence, had she not been so distracted by the reminder of her promise to me. I wished her face had showed something other than her obvious aversion to the idea, though at least she didn't appear to be having any sort of panic attack this time.
"That doesn't make your list?" I asked, watching her expression carefully. She slowly went from nervous and reserved, to varying shades of confusion, but much to my delight, a smile eventually crept onto her face and her eyes began to light up.
"Yes . . . it does. But with reservations. I don't understand why it's so important to you. You already had me forever."
"A hundred years from now, when you've gained enough perspective to really appreciate the answer, I will explain it to you."
Her smile grew wider as the promise of so many years – endless years – stretched out before us. "I'll remind you to explain – in a hundred years."
I couldn't tell at what point Jacob's conscious thoughts had ended and the agonized screaming had begun. His mind was like static noise as he tried to reconcile with the pain. A moment later, he was gone, running through the woods faster than he'd ever run. I felt a twinge of guilt, though it was not for having let Jacob hear we were engaged. That, he needed to know, if he was ever going to accept the certainty of Bella and my future together. I felt guilty, though, because I knew Jacob's pain would hurt Bella, and with the fight she was already so worried about mere minutes away, it didn't seem right that I should have added another burden to her mind.
"Are you warm enough?" I asked, knowing his silent screams wouldn't be remain silent for much longer.
"I'm fine. Why?"
Just as I'd been waiting for, Jacob's cries filled the air around us. He howled for his love, and the life he believed would be taken from her. He howled for his own life – the one he'd imagined for himself, with Bella at his side. The sound of his suffering took only a moment to register in Bella's eyes, but I still spoke the words of confirmation.
"Because your space heater has reached his limit. Truce over," I added quietly.
"Jacob was listening."
"Yes."
"You knew."
"Yes."
She was still, her eyes glazed over as she stared helplessly at the door of the tent.
"I never promised to fight fair. And he deserves to know."
I waited, but there was nothing. Bella wouldn't look at me, wouldn't speak. She lowered her head into her hands miserably, and I wondered whether I had acted foolishly. Impulsively.
"Are you angry with me?" I asked. I expected her anger. I deserved her anger. In fact, I would have gladly taken her anger if it helped ease the sorrow she was feeling for Jacob, but her next words shocked and baffled me. They also gave me something entirely new to feel guilty for, something I hadn't been expecting, though knowing Bella like I did, I should have realized she would findsome way to turn this around on herself.
"Not you. I'm horrified at me."
"Don't torment yourself," I begged, confused. What had she done?
"Yes. I should save my energy to torment Jacob some more. I wouldn't want to leave any part of him unharmed."
"He knew what he was doing." I certainly knew better than anyone that those who listen in where they are not welcome, often hear things they wish they hadn't.
"Do you think that matters? Do you think I care whether it's fair or whether he was adequately warned? I'm hurting him. Every time I turn around, I'm hurting him again." She was speaking quickly, frantically, and her heart sounded like it was going to beat out of her chest. I was a monster for having caused this. With so much else already on the line, how could I have given her yet another thing to worry about?
"I'm a hideous person," she spat, and I simply couldn't listen to her misplaced fury any longer. I'd done this. Why wasn't she angry with me? I hugged her to me, trying to calm her down like I was normally able to do, but this was beyond my ability to fix.
"No, you're not," I argued, but she was already shaking her head.
"I am! What's wrong with me?" She was violently pulling away from my grasp, and I worried she would hurt herself in an attempt to get away. "I have to go find him."
"Bella, he's already miles away, and it's cold."
"I don't care. I can't just sit here." Bella was pulling her boots on and scrambling for the door. "I have to – I have to . . ."
She couldn't seem to find her words as she threw herself into the icy chill of the morning air. I followed silently behind her, wondering if she was really planning on running off into the woods, when there was an army of newborns – newborns who'd been studying her scent, no less – quickly approaching.
Just let him go. You can't have it both ways, leech-lover, Seth was thinking, eyes fixed on Bella. I shot a glare at him, but he was unapologetic. One of the more pleasant minds to listen to, I wasn't used to him speaking so harshly, but I supposed it was to be expected. What Jacob had heard, now the entire pack knew. Of course, none of them would take the news of Bella and my engagement as personally as Jacob, but I was sure they were all equally offended by the idea. That anyone would ever willingly choose this life was beyond any of their comprehension. In truth, it was beyond mine as well, but I'd long given up trying to understand Bella's decisions. I was now trying to simply accept them – graciously.
Bella slowed down when she reached the forest's edge, and I thought she'd come to her senses. Then, I watched in horror as she stepped into the woods, a look of sheer determination on her face. I reached out to grab her hand, and she struggled futilely to break free.
"You can't go after him. Not today. It's almost time. And getting yourself lost wouldn't help anyone, regardless." She continued her attempt to break free, though she knew it was pointless. I watched as her eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry I did that."
"You didn't do anything. It's my fault. I did this. I did everything wrong. I could have . . . When he . . . I shouldn't have . . . I . . . I . . ."
The tears were flowing freely now, and I tried desperately to console her. "Bella, Bella," I pleaded, pulling her into my arms. She was nearly hyperventilating, and I felt a sharp stab of pain as I realized with more clarity than I ever had, exactly how closely Bella was bound to Jacob. Just as the severity of his reaction had surprised me, Bella's desperation to take away his pain was startling. I'd been underestimating her feelings for him for so long. I'd been happier in my delusion.
"I should have – told him – I should – have said – " She paused, gasping for breath, then her eyes met mine. "He shouldn't have – found out like this."
I knew in that moment what I had to do, what I owed her for having caused her all this pain. I hated it, but it wasn't about me. It was about fixing what I'd done wrong. The hardest part of all, though, was knowing that I could lose her. After everything we'd been through, one foolish moment on my part might have been the thing to finally push Bella right into Jacob's arms.
"Do you want me to see if I can bring him back, so that you can talk to him? There's still a little time." It was difficult to conceal the pain in my voice, and I was thankful for the fact that Bella's face was still pressed up against my chest. I didn't want her to see the agony that was surely written all over my face. She nodded and I shut my eyes against the pain. "Stay by the tent. I'll be back soon."
I ran before she could look up at me. It was more difficult than I could have imagined, running away from her when she'd pleaded so long with me to stay. A million thoughts ran through my mind as I went to find Jacob. As much as it pained me to admit it, I'd never been more certain of how deeply he cared for Bella. I'd seen his mind more clearly in the last twenty-four hours than I ever had before. He'd reminded me of how close she had actually been to moving on, when I'd been gone for so many months. He'd proven time and again that he was strong enough, and determined enough to keep her safe. Could I really be angry with him for loving her? Loving her was all I knew how to do anymore.
I certainly couldn't blame Bella if she loved him in return. He'd been there to pick up the broken pieces I'd so foolishly left behind. He'd trusted her enough to share his secret with her, even when he'd been instructed to keep his distance. He'd defied his pack, his brothers, to be with her, and now, he was about to fight alongside his mortal enemies to keep her safe. I could hate him until the end of time, but I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that, in many ways, Jacob deserved Bella. And she deserved to be happy.
Stinking, filthy, disgusting bloodsucker, just waiting for us to take out this army – pave the way for him to marry my Bella, and then kill her! Turn her into a freak. A monster. Make her – no. Not Bella! He can't do this. I won't let him.
"Jacob." I kept my voice calm, even. He was still in his wolf form, and I could hear how out of control he was. I didn't doubt for a moment that he would kill me if I gave him the opportunity.
What are you doing here, you disgusting –
"Jacob," I repeated, maintaining eye contact. "I know you're upset, but I need you to listen to me."
No! I don't owe you anything!
"But if I'm asking for Bella?"
His eyes widened for a split second before a violent snarl pulled at his mouth. You know what, I don't owe her anything either. All I've ever done is help her, be there for her, love her, dammit! And for what? Nothing! She's marrying you. She's going to let you turn her into a killer, assuming you don't bleed her dry first. Would she even care if you did? Would you? All in the name of love, right? It's worth the risk –
"Enough!" My voice was laced with contempt and my fists were clenched. I could feel my lips curl back over my teeth, and it was taking every ounce of self control I had not to attack. He should suffer for speaking such slanderous lies. "You will not speak of things you know nothing about."
Something in my tone must have told him he was treading on very thin ice. Even his mind quieted down, and he sat back on his hind quarters. Why are you here? he asked, struggling to calm his mind.
"Bella was very upset when you left."
She didn't even know I was there.
"I informed her."
Well, why the hell did you do that?
"Because she deserved to know."
And now she's pissed because I ran off? Why should I care if she's mad at me?
"She's not angry with you. She's not even angry with me, though she has every right to be. She's angry with herself."
That's a stupid thing to –
"Do not ever call Bella stupid. I'll admit, her reaction was – unexpected. And not one I have particularly enjoyed witnessing. She cares about you. I suppose I have no one to blame but myself for that. She is under the impression that your pain is her fault. I'd like to think that all she wants is to apologize, but I fear there's more to it than that."
More to it? Does she – ?
I couldn't stand to listen to him work out what I'd already started to fear. I continued quickly. "So, to answer your question, I am here because Bella is inconsolable, and the only way I can see to calm her down is to bring you back to her. If you'll agree to this, I suggest we both run very quickly and get this over with. The newborns are not far away, and it wouldn't surprise me if Sam ordered you back to the clearing very soon."
I didn't need to wait for his response. I could see in his eyes that he, like myself, could deny Bella nothing. I turned and began my run back to the campsite, with Jacob trailing close behind me. I knew what I would have to do when I got there, and the thought of it nearly stopped me in my tracks. I would have to leave Bella alone with Jacob. There was no other way to ensure her decision was what she truly desired. It was a simple truth I'd come to know very well, that Bella tended to care about those she loved more than herself. With me there, how could I ever be sure she wasn't editing her words to Jacob, to save me from the pain? She still seemed to be trying to find a way to protect us both.
I slowed down when Bella came back into my sight. She was pacing, and Seth was staring nervously into the woods. I heard Jacob phase from a few feet behind me. Seth must have smelled me before he saw me, and he growled as his mind began preparing for battle. I almost smiled as I realized he was readying himself to protect Bella.
"It's just us, Seth," Jacob told him.
I was surprised when Seth walked up to me before Jacob. Listen up, Edward, Sam has a message for you. Actually, it's a message from the psychic. She told Sam she saw something, and you needed to know about it. She said, 'The Volturi have decided to intervene.' Sam says she can't tell exactly when they're coming, but she's keeping a close eye on them. Do you understand all this?
I nodded, hardly able to wrap my mind around something else going wrong. How many more things could be stacked against us? "Yes, that's all we need," I muttered. "I suppose we shouldn't be surprised. But the timing is going to be very close. Please have Sam ask Alice to try to nail the schedule down better."
Will do. Then do you promise to explain what's going on? Everybody seemed pretty upset about this.
I nodded absently, but my attention was fixed on Bella. "Bella," I whispered, watching her as she watched Jacob. He wasn't looking at her, and when she turned to meet my gaze, I saw she was close to tears again. "There's a bit of a complication. I'm going to take Seth a little ways away and try to straighten it out. I won't go far, but I won't listen, either. I know you don't want an audience, no matter which way you decide to go."
The words were nearly impossible to utter, though I'd been silently practicing them the entire run back to her. Uncharacteristically, Bella didn't even attempt a smile for my benefit. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I felt in my gut it wasn't a good sign.
"Hurry back," she said quietly. I leaned down to kiss her softly, wondering somewhere in the back of my mind if it was the last time I would feel her lips on mine.
I didn't open my eyes until I'd turned away, and my feet were carrying me quickly into the surrounding trees. I breathed in the forest air, trying to clear my mind so I could focus on the problem at hand. Seth was only a few steps behind me, and I heard him asking me to slow down. He wanted answers, but those answers were going to have to wait a few minutes longer. I needed to get away, for Bella's sake and my own.
I didn't stop running until the last traces of Jacob's thoughts had disappeared from my mind.