Well, not only was the previous chapter the longest chapter, but it was also the most reviewed. I guess Dedede really did it for you people.
See, now you've got me all worried and insecure and whatever. Even more than I was before! Now I see Chapter 28 being the yardstick all future chapters will be measured against! WHAT IF THE QUALITY REGRESSES?! WHAT IF YOU LEAVE ME?!
Please read Chapter 29 while I take my own life.
(Fun fact: ISK wrote this chapter with one hand. The other was fashioning his noose)
Rebuilding
Chapter 29: The Chapter Where They All Die
In response to the Ancient Minister, from the leader of the One Army,
While I am obligated to keep you as an underling to my Army, I ask that you refrain from wasting my time with such petty whining.
My Army is unconcerned with the losses of Solid Snake and Sonic the Hedgehog. You forget the varieties of minions we possess.
And of course, if this 'new SSB' matter becomes too critical, we have our special forces. I doubt that we will need them, if you can indeed both hear and track our foes.
However, your news that the balloon Pokémon Jigglypuff prevented Mr. Game and Watch from falling into the Primids' hands is quite...reassuring to me. I am sure I will reveal why to you soon enough at this rate.
I am also glad to hear Young Link can temporarily revive apparitions of the three dead Smashers. Again, I will reveal all to you in time.
Granted it is inconvenient that you can no longer brainwash any SSB sympathizers, but for a third time, I am unconcerned.
Do not fear me, Minister. You have done me no wrong, despite what you may think. The events actually make the next phase of my plan so much easier.
The only thing in your message I must point out as wrong is this: Lucario and the old SSB are indeed very much alive. But my old, ah, you may say friend, has allowed them to escape from Subspace. Their current whereabouts are withheld information, you will be sorry to hear.
I have sources – which I assure you, are painstakingly accurate – that indicate that the next stage of our plan will be complete as soon as the new SSB become a group of twenty-four. We are of course being courteous, and allowing Nana and Popo – the Ice Climbers – the right to be separate people.
However, my same accurate source informs me, though no doubt you with your tracking capability already know this, that the new SSB only have twenty-three fighters, with the newest addition being King Dedede of Dreamland.
Your current directive is this: lay low until you pick up information of one more new Super Smash Brother joining them. I shall handle the rest, at the same time; you will learn why your follies are so beneficial to me.
Everyone was shaking King Dedede's hand, or otherwise trying to help Donkey Kong. Everyone apart from Pit and Wario, that is.
"Why'd you drag me aside?" asked Wario apprehensively.
"Because, I want to hide back in your flab," said Pit enticingly.
"W-what?" asked Wario, confused.
"Listen, Mario, Snake, Pikachu and the Ice Climbers don't know what they're talking about. It was comfy and warm in there!" grinned Pit, fondly reminiscing. "Just let me come back in for like five minutes."
"No!" yelled Wario, outraged.
"I've got money," said Pit, taking out his wallet.
"Make it quick," said Wario, opening up his folds.
"Alright, some action!" cheered Pit. "Finally!"
Suddenly, the terrain changed without warning. A row of platforms grew under Wario, and lifted him up, while spikes appeared all over the left side of DS Land. A round structure burst from the ground underneath Pit, and all the others were swept up in a series of moving yellow elevators.
"Yo, what's the dealio?" asked Dedede, looking confused.
"What in my various gods' glorious names happened here?" demanded Wario.
"It looks like a menu's opening up!" cried Pit, pointing at the back wall.
The Smashers ran over to the menu, and were immediately rendered confused.
"Size?" asked Samus. "What does it mean, size?"
"Try touch it," decided Link, looking nervously at the menu.
Samus shot her Grapple Beam at a picture of a small mound, and at once the stage shrunk to a small hill that barely fit a pile of the Smashers on it.
"I'm crushed!" moaned Yoshi, at the bottom of the heap.
"Peach, get off me!" grunted Nana. "You're sitting on my foot!"
"I'm trying, Miss Nana!" protested Peach. "But I'm being pinned down under Zelda!"
"Keep it this way!" shouted Ike at once upon hearing this. "Don't change it!"
"Where's – that – damn – Grapple Beam?" asked Samus, struggling with her suit.
Ike checked where Samus was struggling. "I'm serious! Keep it! Don't change anything!"
Samus shot the 'large' setting, and the stage expanded once more.
"Dammit!" grunted Ike, while everyone else gave sighs of relief.
"Look, there's backgrounds too!" said Link, looking at the pictures.
"Yo, and music!" cheered Dedede. "Let's turn on some beats!"
Dedede threw a Waddle Dee at the play button, and a remix of a vaguely Gourmet Race-sounding song started blaring out of invisible speakers.
"Tight!" grinned Dedede.
"This is the best song ever!" cheered Kirby, punching the air in jubilation.
"It's decent," shrugged Meta-Knight.
Everyone else looked fairly disinterested.
"What happens-a when you hit New-a?" asked Mario. "Does it let you make new background-a music?"
Squirtle jumped out of its Pokeball, followed by Ivysaur and Charizard. All three were holding controllers.
"There's a map editor?" asked Squirtle.
"This arcade just got a whole lot better," chuckled Charizard.
"Hey, Mario, don't hit that button!" called Ivysaur.
"I already did-a!" cried Mario fearfully. "Sorry!"
"That resets the stage builder," said Ivysaur, narrowing his eyes angrily. "Good going."
"Oops-a," laughed Mario nervously.
The floor fell apart, and all the Smashers fell to certain doom.
"Run 1-P Mode, Classic!" called Squirtle desperately.
"Everyone hold on!" shouted Charizard.
"Hold on to what?" asked Lucas.
"There's no walls any more!" roared Bowser angrily.
"I'm a round object," said Kirby irritably. "The hell am I going to hold onto?"
"Classic!" bellowed the same announcer who had announced the targets before.
"What?" asked the Smashers, looking up at the source of the voice.
"Brace yourselves!" cried Ivysaur. The three Pokemon were sent back into their Pokeballs, and the floor expanded into an artificial representation of the Bridge of Eldin right before the Smashers fell.
"Oh, what now?" groaned Link, rubbing his head.
Without warning, Link stood up and threw his Gale Boomerang at Mario.
"Whoa!" gasped Mario, jumping over the weapon. "What's-a going on?"
"Yo, yo, check mah boi Meta K!" cried Dedede, pointing at Meta-Knight, who was growing huge.
"I don't think Link and I can control this!" grunted Meta-Knight. "We're attacking you against our will!"
"Maybe we just need to defeat you or something!" realised Kirby, as the floor formed the platform outside the Halberd.
"That's a good idea," grinned Zelda evilly, holding Dedede's hand.
Zelda stabbed Meta-Knight and watched him fall to the ground.
"GAME!" cried the voice.
Mario noticed a pile of coins building up in the corner of the fake Halberd.
"What are-a these for?" asked Mario, picking up a coin.
"Where's Meta-Knight gone?" asked Yoshi, looking at where Meta-Knight was.
"I swear, all I did was stab him!" said Zelda. "I didn't know he'd disappear!"
"Wait a minute..." said Pokemon Trainer with an air of dawning comprehension. "This is a video game! If you die in a video game, you quit! If you quit, you're forced into reality! That's the way out of here! We have to d-"
Zelda stabbed him to death. "Got it."
"That settles it-a!" declared Mario. "Ladies and-a gentlemen, we have to kill each other-a!"
Peach snuck up behind Mario and clubbed him with her frying pan. Everyone else looked at each other, and then began a small civil war. Bowser, Dedede and Wario killed each other in a struggle, Samus shot Ike before her suit overloaded and destroyed her, Nana took out herself, Popo and Lucas in one swing, and Zelda ran around stabbing people at random.
"This is the best day of my life!" cheered Zelda, skipping along merrily with her knife. She was shot in the head with a pistol.
"Party's over," smirked Snake. He was stabbed in the back of the neck.
"Ha, gotcha!" laughed Link. He felt an odd arrow-like sensation in his back.
"Yes! I killed someone!" cheered Pit. He danced around merrily, but was suddenly run over.
"Ha, I killed Pit!" laughed Sonic. He was simultaneously mobbed by everyone who wanted to kill Pit themselves.
"The power of Wright compels you!" cried Pikachu, running around stabbing people with a stake. Unfortunately, he was strangled by Yoshi right after crucifying Diddy Kong. Kirby avenged Pikachu by taking the latter's Holy Instruction Manual and beating Yoshi to death with it.
Eventually, everyone was killed except Fox, who shot himself over and over again with his Blaster. No effect.
"Stupid no-flinchies rule!" pouted Fox. "Why'd Slippy make me the kiddy Blaster?"
Fox continued to shoot himself, to no effect whatsoever.
In the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight suns where the hot springs flow, all was silent. The only residents of the icy summit were an eggplant and a pumpkin.
"This sucks, man," sighed the eggplant.
"I wish Popo and Nana, hell, even that damn condor would just come finish us off already," agreed the pumpkin.
"We just need some kind of huge, epic event to happen around here," said the eggplant, frustrated.
A tear in reality opened up over the summit, and the Smashers (sans Fox) all crash landed on the summit.
"Totally wack," groaned Dedede, massaging his sides.
"Where are we now?" asked Samus, shaking her head.
"Well, I see ice, and nothing else," said Kirby, looking around. "We're also on top of a mountain. I wonder who'll know? Popo? Nana?"
"Sorry, we don't know either," said Popo sheepishly. "We never actually reached the top of any mountains."
"But you're the Ice Climbers!" yelled Kirby in frustration.
"All we try and do is kill vegetables, club baby seals and find the condor," shrugged Popo.
"That's exactly right, you pathetic excuse for a human being," agreed Nana. "I suppose this is the top of Icicle Mountain."
"Feels like such a hollow victory, only reaching the top because we went on a crazy adventure, broke reality and winded up here," sighed Popo.
"Yeah," agreed Nana, nodding solemnly. "It kind of alters your perspective of life, makes you appreciate all your friends and everyone around you-Bowser, you fat piece of crap, get your spikes out my mountain!"
Bowser had landed on his back, his spikes embedded in the ice.
"I'm a turtle," said Bowser. "You expect me to get up like this?"
Bowser snapped his fingers, and at once, Wario pulled him free.
"Good job idiot, now my mountain's breaking," hissed Nana.
"Aww, Bowser!" cried Popo.
The summit popped off of the rest of the mountain, and began sliding down at an extremely high speed.
"Hey, guess what Bowser?" said Samus. "If we die here in this mountain crash, we won't break reality! No, all we'll do is die!"
"Is it really my fault?" protested Bowser.
"Yes," shot back Nana.
"We're heading towards the sea!" gasped Lucas fearfully. Pokémon Trainer wrapped his arm around Lucas protectively.
"We have nothing to fear," reassured Pokémon Trainer.
The summit plummeted into the ocean, with everyone barely managing to keep their footing.
"So this is it?" asked Kirby. "We're just staying here? And where's Fox?"
"That idiot! He's still in DS Land!" yelled Samus. "Nobody killed Fox?"
"Hey, I tried," said Zelda defensively. "I try every day."
"Yo, cha-check the friendly polar bear!" grinned Dedede, looking up at a polar bear wearing shades. "We be having a lot in commonizzle, we're homies! We're both cold-weatha' expoits!"
"No way, penguins? On my turf?" asked the polar bear, outraged.
"Oh right, we is rival gangs," said Dedede. "Almost fo'got, yo,"
The polar bear took out a machine gun and started shooting wildly at King Dedede. The penguin put up his hammer to protect himself.
"Dedede, you fat idiot!" yelled Kirby. "He's pushing this thing underwater!"
"Oh come on, yo," scoffed Dedede. "We're like two feet unda'wata', what's the woist thing that could happizle?"
A huge fish leaped out of the water and swallowed Dedede.
"That," replied Kirby.
"Hey, is that a Smash Ball on the fish's angler thingy?" asked Popo, pointing at the fish.
"I don't care man, I got my super move already!" grinned Kirby smugly.
The fish reappeared, and spat Dedede out with a moan.
"The fish is talking!" called Popo. "He's saying...this penguin tastes like old cocaine?"
"I had to write mah rap somehow, dawg," smiled Dedede bashfully.
"Well, it's not like he's the only Smasher to have an addiction," grinned Pikachu, looking around at Mario and Sonic.
"Oh-a, let me guess," scoffed Mario sarcastically. "You're gonna take the high road and make a done-to-death-a Mushroom joke-a."
"Yeah, and I'm gonna get some flak about taking speed or steroids or some crap," sighed Sonic. "Come on man. Old. Joke. Seriously."
"No, actually I was talking about Link's addiction to Horse Grass," said Pikachu.
"Yeah, I'm trying to quit," said Link from behind Mario and Sonic.
"Um, guys, the Smash Ball on the fish's angler thing kind of...crushed Meta-Knight..." said Popo. "And it broke..."
"Meta-Knight broke?" asked Kirby excitedly.
"No, the Smash Ball," replied Popo.
Kirby tutted disappointedly.
"Mets, mac, how do ya feels?" asked Diddy, putting a hand on Meta-Knight's non existant shoulder.
Meta-Knight stood up, with piercing red eyes.
"I feel like you should know my power," growled Evil Meta-Knight, swirling his cape at Diddy Kong.
"Mac, that's its?" asked Diddy, bewildered. "You misseds me."
"He got Mr. Kirby," explained Peach.
"Kirby, are you okay?" called Link, running over to Evil Meta-Knight.
"Behold," droned Evil Meta-Knight, drawing his sword.
"Now, let's-a not get carried away-a," said Mario hastily, pulling Meta-Knight's arm away.
The summit was engulfed in darkness.
"No wonder the Ancient Minister was stockpiling Smash Balls," mused Snake.
"Yeah," agreed Sonic.
A piercing blue slash rang through the air, and Mario, Link and Kirby were thrown from Meta-Knight and to the ground. All three looked unconscious.
"Kirby's unconscious again?" asked Zelda, looking bored.
"Why did it have to be Mr. Kirby?" wailed Peach, looking devastated.
Wordlessly, everyone pointed at Mario and Link.
"We don't really care," assured Zelda.
"Peach, I'm so sorry about Mario!" gasped Meta-Knight back to normal.
"Believe me, it's fine, Mr. Knight," said Peach, looking happier.
"No, we should at least wake them up," said Pokemon Trainer. He scooped up some water from the ocean and threw it on Mario.
"Ack! Arg-a!" coughed Mario, wiping salt out of his eyes. "What the hell-a?! You have a Squirtle, use it-a!"
"You were right Mr. Trainer, we should have done that!" grinned Peach.
Suddenly, reality ripped open again and Fox appeared, looking frustrated.
"Why did you meanies leave me there?" asked Fox. "If you guys were real friends, you'd have killed me!"
"So how did you die in the end?" asked Popo curiously.
"I slipped on some blood and broke my neck," replied Fox. "I was all like, 'Whee!' Then I died and I came back to reality! Yaaay!"
"Oh, we're all really happy," remarked Nana, lighting a cigarette.
"I never even got to kill anyone!" whined Fox. "I missed it when everyone killed Sonic for killing Pit!"
"Heh, I did killsteal from all you dudes," laughed Sonic.
"Don't worry Fox, if it helps, I didn't kill anyone either," consoled Lucas.
"Hey, that's right!" said Fox. "I feel better now! In fact, you were one of the first to die!"
"Ha! In your face, kid!" laughed Ike, pointing and laughing at Lucas.
"You died before me," replied Lucas flatly.
"And I killed the sociopath among us," smirked Snake, jerking a thumb at Zelda. "Ha ha, yep, and I killed M-"
Everyone looked curiously at Snake, and Sonic clapped a hand to his face.
"P-"
Everyone looked curiously at Snake, and Sonic made frantic signals behind their backs.
"R-"
Everyone looked curiously at Snake, and Sonic mouthed 'No' repeatedly.
"I killed Zelda, that's it. I shot her in the head and watched her die. But it was a video game and I did not kill anyone in real life," said Snake flatly.
Sonic sighed silently.
"No-one kills Zelda but me," hissed Zelda angrily, narrowing her eyes at Snake. "And like I'd let that bitch Zelda touch a princess like me."
"You have split personalities, both named Zelda?" asked Snake fearfully. "And they're trying to kill each other? No wonder you're so insa-"
Zelda took out a lead pipe.
Snake gulped.
And with that, I leave you waiting for TURNING THIRTY.
I'll be alternating between procrastinating, hyperventilating, and printing out reviews and selling them. Not that I've ever done that.
You'll review, I'll reply. Sweet deal, huh?