We've hit the big 3-0! Right about the time I hit the big 1-7! (31st July, always a good date)
In honor of this achievement, how 'bout some good-old fashioned number crunching?
Number of Chapters Under 1,000 Words: 3
Number of Chapters Between 1-2k Words: 9
Number of Chapters Between 2-3k Words: 14
Number of Chapters Over 3,000 Words: 3
I'll crunch more in the outro, enjoy Chapter XXX!
Rebuilding
Chapter 30: Even The Mild Snap
Dear Overlord, from none other than the Ancient Minister,
I am sure your plans have you preoccupied with a busy schedule, and due to this, I have begun a personal errand. You instructed me to stay away from the new SSB, but said nothing about the old.
You told me that they survived the Subspace bomb, and now I seek vengeance upon them. Please feel free to inform me if you take exception to this.
Forgive me for sounding too uncouth about this, but our conversations will only link back to me tracking down every single one of those goddamn Smashers who belittled me in New Pork City and exterminating them.
However, I remain interested as to what my orders will be as soon as the new SSB gain one more member. I hope you will keep me informed.
New Pork City remained deserted. First, the old SSB had been forced out of the city by a Subspace bomb. Second, the new SSB had left through DS Land's portal in the arcade. All that remained there was a trophy of an important figure.
The Master Hand.
That was when the Wolfen landed. The pilot jumped out of the plane and landed deftly on the ground, baring his fangs.
"This must be Master Hand..." muttered the pilot to himself. He walked over to the trophy and tapped the base.
"A-are you Wolf?" asked Master Hand, gasping for air. "Did you receive my telepathic distress signal?"
"Yeah, I'm Wolf," replied Wolf shrewdly. "And it's a damn good thing you hands can send those messages from so far away. But that doesn't answer the question I tried to send back to you. Why did you pick me?"
"You can't feel compassion for anything," said Master Hand, floating back upright. "Therefore, you're the best man for this job. The Subspace Army are targeting the Super Smash Brothers, and I've reached my limit in assisting, I'm afraid to say."
"Super Smash Brothers?" asked Wolf. "Am I about to find out why half of the Star Fox team just called it quits to go to some mansion?"
Master Hand nodded. "There's a group of fighters who survived a bomb attack on this city, and I cast them away. There's a malevolent robot running around brainwashing innocent Smasher hopefuls. It got Snake and Sonic, but luckily they somehow broke free. I need you to round up the last few Smash Brothers before they fall into the wrong hands."
"Are you talking about the Ancient Minister?" butted in Wolf at once. "It attacked the Lylat System searching for that Krystal chick, but it turns out she's not joining the SSB. But it was a joke back then...are you saying it's stronger?"
"I am," replied Master Hand. "Does that concern you?"
"I'm not exactly excited about that," muttered Wolf.
"You've been through a lot with Star Fox," remarked Master Hand, in thought. "You fought them for Andross, you fought alongside them against the aparoids, you-"
"-offered myself as bait for the aparoids to save McCloud's neck," fumed Wolf, remembering.
"You'd be unwilling to save a member of Star Fox again?" worried Master Hand. "I must tell you, Falco Lombardi is one of the Smashers I'm talking about."
"I could deal with him," reasoned Wolf. "Matter of fact, he's the only tolerable member of that team. But look, last time I risked my life to save Fox and his friends, I was left behind with my team in the aparoid homeworld, and came back to find a massive bounty on my head."
"If the Super Smash Brothers join forces as one and you join us, you will meet Fox again," said Master Hand. "You could exact revenge upon him in the battlefield of a tournament, perhaps. Does that satisfy you?"
Wolf crossed his arms in triumph.
"More than you know," smirked Wolf. "So while this situation isn't ideal and I don't feel like sticking my neck out for McCloud, I'll do it as long as I get to take him down."
"Excellent," said Master Hand. "Moving on, the Ancient Minister's first target for brainwashing is likely to be Mr. Game and Watch. You should know why, I told you in my call for help."
"Because he houses Shadow Bugs?" asked Wolf.
"Exactly," replied Master Hand. "I sent him to Port Town, start from there and try to find as many lone Smash Brothers as you can before the Minister gets his hands on them. I fear he may have higher accomplices, so you must get to Mr. Game and Watch as fast as you can."
"Just give me the Port Town co-ordinates," scoffed Wolf, waving a casual hand. He got back in his Wolfen. "And I'll round up these freaks."
Master Hand agreed, and Wolf took off.
"Now I just need to send a shipment of items to the new Smash Brothers..." Master Hand thought to himself. He used telepathy to tag their location, and summoned a box.
The Smashers' iceberg drifted lazily along the ocean. Suddenly, a box popped into existence and landed in front of them all.
"Present!" cheered Fox.
"Free stuff?" asked Zelda, finishing Snake's punishment.
"Fox, leave the box alone!" cried Link. "You don't know what could be in there! It could be a trap!"
Fox ignored him, and ripped open the box with his teeth. A shining blue stick of light fell out.
"What's that?" asked Meta-Knight curiously.
"It's a Beam Sword!" cheered Fox, swinging it around wildly.
"Giving a complete idiot an offensive weapon," said Kirby. "Sounds like a trap to me."
"Lookie!" cried Fox, swinging the sword at Link. "This time it gets REALLY long!"
"The light! It's blinding me!" cried Link.
Link fell to the ground and had a seizure. Everyone gave mild applause.
"Say Samus," smirked Ike suggestively. "My Beam Sword gets really long."
Samus punched Ike.
"Dude, that's pretty cool," said Sonic, walking over to the box. "Is this all stuff from you guys' last tournaments?"
"Sure is-a," nodded Mario. "Here's a Fire Flower-a, Sonic. Give it a try-a!"
Sonic took the flower in both hands, and shot out a stream of fire.
"This thing is too cool!" smiled Sonic, delighted by the fire.
"I don't think it's a good idea to spray fire on an iceberg," noted Donkey Kong. "Just FYI."
Everyone ignored him.
"Say Samus," smirked Ike suggestively. "How hot does your Fire Flower get?"
Samus punched Ike.
"Yay, whoever this was sent us a Freezie!" cheered Popo, digging into the box. "I call dibs on using it!"
"Popo, dearest boyfriend, apple of my eye, sole recipient of my love, may I see the Freezie?" asked Nana politely.
"Certainly!" smiled Popo, handing Nana the Freezie. Nana clubbed him over the back of the head with it, freezing him.
"What was that for?" asked Yoshi, alarmed, staring at the frozen Popo.
"Well, it made the situation a lot less annoying," shrugged Nana.
Everyone collectively murmered their approval.
"Say Samus," smirked Ike suggestively. "How about I handle your Freezies?"
Samus punched Ike.
"Miss Samus, I'm learning more and more about asserting myself from you!" smiled Peach, clapping.
"Hey Peach, I'm gonna squeezie some Freezie," said Bowser casually, staring at Peach's chest.
Peach reached into the box, pulled out a Home-Run Bat, and beat up Bowser horribly with it.
"Very good," smiled Samus, nodding her approval. "Just don't overdo it, or you'll end up like –"
Samus pointed over at Zelda, who was biting Link's foot.
"SAY IT!" screeched Zelda.
"I wear a skir-ir-irt!" sobbed Link hysterically. "Uncle! Uncle! Let me go!"
"- that," finished Samus, shaking her head. Peach saluted.
"Say Samus," smirked Ike suggestively. "How about you swing my Home-Run Bat?"
Samus punched Ike.
"We got a Party Ball over here!" grinned Kirby, producing a large yellow ball.
"Yo, check it, streama's!" laughed Dedede, playing with the Party Ball.
A Mushroom fell out of the Party Ball.
"Say Samus," smirked Ike suggestively. "How about you and I have a party?"
Samus raised an eyebrow, and Ike realised how lame the line was.
"With my ba-" began Ike, before Samus punched him.
"Is that a Super Mushroom?" asked Pikachu, more interested in the Mushroom than Ike's raunchy one-liners.
"Super Mushroom?" repeated Pokemon Trainer. "Why Charizard, that could raise the EV levels of all your stats! Your IVs have been lower than the average Charizard, so you could use the EV boost to get your stats up to par with the high IV 'zards!"
"What?" asked everyone else.
"Or you could just level me up," suggested Charizard irritably.
"Now Charizard, you know how I feel about irritable suggestions!" laughed Pokemon Trainer. "Now take the Mushroom!"
"No," replied Charizard bluntly.
Pokemon Trainer pushed him onto the Mushroom.
"Agh, you son of a bitch!" grunted Charizard, growing to twice his height.
"I am, aren't I!" grinned Pokemon Trainer.
"I wanted that mushroom," said Pikachu. "You've just made an enemy out of the Church of Wright!"
"Who isn't the enemy of your stupid religion?" asked Kirby.
"Everyone except the Trainer and you, bitch," snapped Pikachu.
"Say Samus," smirked Ike suggestively. "Everything grows bigger with a Super Mushroom!"
"I know," replied Samus flatly. "I was in the last two tournaments, and I can see Charizard right now."
"No, I mean everything!" grinned Ike. "Everything!"
Samus blinked.
"Like my p-"
Samus punched Ike, kicked him, and threw him against a wall.
"How can you get hit by a wall if we're on an iceberg?" asked Link. "That doesn't make any sense!"
"You don't make any sense," shot back Ike, sticking his tongue out.
"That's just silly," said Link. "All you're doing is repeating what I'm saying."
"More like, repeating what I'm gaying," smirked Ike.
"Hey! Gay jokes are off limits!" complained Link.
Pit cheered.
"Except when used against Pit!" added Link.
Pit hung his head.
"I'm so angry!" raged Link. "I think I might just have to perform an act of violence on you!"
Link threw a sissy punch at Ike, but missed.
"You done?" asked Ike.
"Quite done," nodded Link.
Ike threw a sissy punch at Link, but missed.
"Ha! Missed me!" laughed Link. "I think that makes me the victor of this showdown!"
Ike punched Link in the face and threw him to the ground. He then proceeded to break Link's nose with the blunt end of Ragnell.
Everyone chuckled.
"I'm bleeding!" complained Link. "Bleeding!"
Link fainted.
Everyone gasped.
...
Zelda chuckled.
"Well, there's also an Assist Trophy here," noted DK. "But after all the chaos the previous ones caused, should we really open it?"
"Yes," replied everyone else in a collective murmur.
DK sighed and threw the Assist Trophy on the ground. At once, a cyborg ninja with a single piercing red eye appeared, and glowered at everyone.
"Gray Fox!" called Snake in shock. "I thought you were dead!"
"I was..." muttered Gray Fox creepily. "So make me feel alive again..."
"Cool eye, Foxman!" grinned Fox. "I'm also a fox! Does that make us buddies? I like to play and laugh and sing and dance and punch my friends!"
Fox merrily skipped up to Gray Fox and punched him. In that cute little way you lightly punch your date on the shoulder, not the way your uncle punched you relentlessly when I-er, you were a little kid.
"Hand to hand..." noted Gray Fox. "It is the basis of all combat..."
"Wow, that's pretty insightful!" grinned Fox. "We're pals!"
Gray Fox abandoned his insightful notion, and instead of going hand to hand on Fox, he slashed him repeatedly with his katana. In that cute little way you butcher a really annoying guy.
"My skin broke!" wailed Fox.
"I'll save you!" cried Link, weakly getting up. He shot an arrow at Gray Fox.
"You can't defeat me with a weapon like that..." scoffed Gray Fox, batting away the arrow with a flick of his blade.
"I'm sad now," sighed Link, being slashed.
"You see Link, the only way to defeat this guy is to crush him with a huge Metal Gear-like machine," said Snake, chuckling. "Isn't that right, Frank?"
"Dave, you know me better than I know myself!" chuckled Gray Fox.
Snake laughed merrily. Gray Fox laughed merrily.
The fish from the previous chapter burst forth from the ocean and crushed Gray Fox. To death.
"Like old times...Snaaa-aaaake..." groaned Gray Fox, dying.
"I'm sad now," sighed Snake.
"Don't be sad, Snake!" grinned Yoshi. "So you watched him die! It's not like you did it! It's not like he was your twin brother and you killed him because you were wearing a Franklin Badge at an inappropriate moment!"
"What are you talking about?" asked Snake.
"Sorry, I'm making fun of the wrong person!" said Yoshi, slapping his forehead. "Ditzy witsy!"
Yoshi swivelled round on the spot, and pointed and laughed at Lucas, who looked upset.
"You killed your brother!" taunted Yoshi.
Without warning, Lucas ran at Yoshi and performed a mentally powered flip kick on him.
"Ararararararar..." groaned Yoshi, crashing to the ground. He looked up to see Lucas snarling down at him.
"Don't remind me about what I did to Claus!" yelled Lucas in a shaky voice. He pointed his finger down at Yoshi. "PK Barrage!"
"Arararar! I won't! Okay! I get it!" cried Yoshi.
Lucas pulled Yoshi up.
"Good," said Lucas apologetically. "I'm real sorry Yoshi, I just get emotional when...that subject...gets brought up..."
Yoshi nodded understandably.
"Lucas, you killed your brother!" laughed Fox. "That's hilarious!"
Lucas angrily ran up to Fox, performed a short PSI-powered hop and kicked him in the face.
"What did I just say?" asked Lucas angrily, throwing Duster's Rope Snake at Fox. The snake pulled Fox up to Lucas' face, so close Fox could see the anger even in meek little Lucas' eyes.
"You said how you killed your brother," replied Fox, stammering.
Lucas snarled.
"And I said it was hilarious!" cheered Fox merrily.
Lucas threw Fox forward with his mind, and clasped his hands together.
"PK Fire!" cried Lucas, shooting forward a..um..a lightning bolt that would later burst into flames. Yes.
"No, fire bad!" whimpered Fox, picking up the nearest object (read:Sonic) and throwing him at the bolt.
"What the hell, man?" asked Sonic, bursting into flames.
"Is ice good?" asked Lucas angrily. "PK Freeze!"
Lucas created a blue snowflake-like shape with his mind and sent it careening towards Fox.
"No, ice isn't good either!" whimpered Fox, picking up the nearest object (read:Sonic) and throwing him at the flake.
"What the hell, ma-" began Sonic, before freezing.
"I'm sorry!" cried Fox. "I mean, I lost my dad! I know what it's like!"
"Really?" asked Lucas. "Oh, I'm so sorry!"
Lucas calmed down and went to comfort Fox.
"Fox, that's not quite the same. You lost your dad but at least you didn't kill him," sneered Pikachu.
Lucas span round on one foot and jumped in the air.
"PK Thunder!" cried Lucas, sending out a ball of electricity.
"Puh-lease kiddo, I'm freakin' Electric type over here, what's that going to do?" scoffed Pikachu.
Lucas hit himself with the ball.
"See, that's just silly," said Pikachu.
Lucas gave a scream and became a human missile, careening off into Pikachu. The latter fell to the ground and began to bleed.
"Keep your blood away from my blood!" cried Link, moving his bleeding carcass away from Pikachu.
"Now Lucas, you need to calm down," consoled Pokemon Trainer. "Feeling grief like this is part of being human! You have nothing to worry about, we all care about you!"
"I don't," said Zelda helpfully. Pokemon Trainer glared at her.
"Just take some deep breaths," said Pokemon Trainer. "In through the nose, out through the mouth! Show him, boys!"
He sent out Squirtle, Ivysaur and Charizard. Squirtle took a breath and squirted water at Lucas, Ivysaur spat cigarette butts at him, and Charizard just plain tried to set him on fire.
"Uh, thanks," said Lucas timidly, putting up a PSI Magnet. "But I feel better now! A lot warmer, though."
"Our iceberg's melting," said Kirby conversationally, sitting back in a laidback manner.
"No wonder," said Samus ominously, looking around. "We're approaching Norfair..."
"How's that even possible?" asked Meta-Knight. "Isn't that a completely separate planet? How can we go from the middle of the ocean to another planet?"
"Cause we can," replied Samus. "We just can."
"What's Norfair anyway?" asked DK, looking around. "Looks dangerous!"
"This is where I fought Ridley..." said Samus, remembering. "Just watch out, the lava here's quite erratic..."
A wall of lava appeared from the west, swallowing up several small platforms.
"Every man for himself!" yelled Bowser, throwing Wario at the lava wall.
"I agree with the fatty!" yelled Kirby, throwing Yoshi at the lava wall.
"You shall all rot!" screamed Wario angrily, burning.
"Ararararar..." groaned Yoshi.
"Macs, there's a wave comings down from the back too!" yelled Diddy, pointing.
"We're all going to burn and die!" cried Link fearfully.
"Quick!" exclaimed Fox. "If we chew on the lava wall, we can eat our way out!"
Fox ran up and bit the lava. It didn't work.
"Ow," said Fox sadly.
"Good thing I remember where the safe area is!" called Samus, running over to the capsule. "Everyone inside!"
"Are you insane?" asked Sonic incredulously. "We can't all fit in that thing!"
"Good point," realised Samus. "Just force all the lamer characters into the lava!"
All the cooler people scrambled into the capsule, packed tightly together. Link, Ike, Pit, Sonic, Fox, Yoshi and Wario were left to burn slowly.
"Ow! It burns!" cried Link, rubbing his wounds. The lava wave died down, and the lame characters landed on a platform, charred and in tremendous pain.
"I can't believe we live here!" whined Pit, one of his wings still on fire.
And as I promised at the beginning, time for more number crunching!
Number of People Who Have Reviewed Under 10 Chapters: 18
Number of People Who Have Reviewed Between 10-20 Chapters: 1
Number of People Who Have Reviewed Over 20 Chapters: 3
Subliminal Message I'm Putting Across to You People: Review me.