DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.
DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.
NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am. PLEASE NOTE that there is NO slash in this fic as of yet. There might be some in later chapters, but I am not sure. I am just concentrating on making you laugh rather than a funny story.
NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. Thank you to all my fabulous readers that are egging me on.
Chapter 9 – Brainless
Harry and his friends were soon falling into a routine. It was not long before DADA became the most hated subject in the school. That was saying plenty as Severus was now favored over Lockhart. The first round of problems occurred in their DADA class. Harry was sitting with Hermione and Neville in the back of the room when Lockhart came into the room wearing florescent green robes. He handed out a sheet of parchment to the class.
"This is a little test to see how well you understood what is written in my books," said Lockhart. "The one who does the best will receive a signed photograph of me. You may all begin."
Harry and Hermione looked at the test and gave a sigh of disgust. Harry cast a quick Gemino Spell on his copy of the test. From there, he and Hermione filled in the answers. Despite not enjoying the books, both students were smart enough to know what was in them. Lockhart called for time and with a wave of his wand, he collected the tests.
"Tut, Tut," said Lockhart. "Only two of you knew that my favorite pair of underwear is pink lace panties. Harry is the only on that remembers that neon yellow is my favorite color. Full marks will be awarded to Harry."
Harry groaned as he received his portrait of Lockhart. When the idiot turned away, he set it on fire with a quick Incendio Spell. Hermione quickly got rid of the burning smell.
"Today we are going to deal with a very dangerous creature," said Lockhart slapping a cage on his desk. "In this class you will face dangers that you have never expected before. Now I am going to remove the cover and I do not want you to scream. If you do, it might provoke them to attack."
With that, he pulled off the cover and there was a cage full or Cornish Pixies. Harry and Hermione snorted in grim amusement. Lockhart took their noise as squeaks of fright.
"Never worry," said Lockhart. "With me around, you will come to no harm. I promise that as long as I am around that you will always be safe. Now I am going to let them loose and we shall see what happens."
With that, he opened the cage and set the pixies loose on the class. The children were looking on with amusement as after a while Lockhart was trying to get them back into the cage. He twiddled his wand a few times and tried a few spells. He ended up hurting one of the pixies by mistake because the whirling wand hit it in the face. The pixie took the wand from Lockhart and threw it out the window. From there, all twenty five pixies went to Harry and Neville and bowed low. Harry immediately knew that this was not going to be good.
"If you must," mumbled Harry in a tired manner. "This is not going to be good. I wonder if we should all leave the class. I don't think I am going to want to see the outcome of this."
With that, the pixies all flew at Lockhart and grabbed him. They flipped him over and lifted the back of his robes. Two pixies had a wooden paddle and were beating the hell out of Lockhart with them. The class was in hysterics when it proved that Lockhart was wearing in pink lacy panties. Lockhart was screaming at the top of his lungs. Harry got up and left the room. He went to Minerva's classroom after dismissing the class and knocked on the door.
"Mr. Potter," she said stopping her lecture. "What are you doing out of class? Surely it is not over with yet."
"His name is not Shirley," screamed Dumbledore as he ran by being chased by Fluffy. Both Harry and Minerva ignored him.
"His name is Rebecca," said Voldemort running by a few seconds later being chased by the ninja sumo wrestlers and twelve suits of armor.
"No ma'am," said Harry ignoring Voldemort. "We have a problem in the DADA classroom and we need someone to come help sort it out. Your class is the closest and I thought you would be willing to come and deal with the situation. I would have handled it myself, but I am only twelve and this requires an adult."
"What is going on?" asked Minerva dismissing her class and following Harry out. "Is anyone in danger or hurt?"
"Professor Lockhart let a cage of Cornish Pixies loose and they are trying to kill him I think," said Harry. "So far they were spanking him when we left. A couple of the others found some umm, adult toys and were waiting their turn. I have dismissed the class as I felt that we did not see this. I have Hermione guarding his door so that no one goes in except another professor. So to answer your question, I would say that Professor Lockhart is both in danger and by now probably hurt."
"Twenty points to you for your timely actions," said Minerva. "That was the right thing to do. What is that noise?"
"That is Professor Lockhart screaming," said Hermione as she saw them approach. "At the last time I peeked into the room, the pixies were shoving a strange item at the professor."
"What type of item?" Minerva asked, looking a little alarmed.
"I am not sure," said Hermione. "What ever it was is hooked to a car battery. I have heard a few shocks coming from inside. I am too embarrassed to tell you where the item ended up. I think I will be scarred for the rest of my life."
"I will deal with this now," said Minerva opening the door and stepping inside.
As soon as she opened the door, she saw Lockhart bent over his desk with his robes tying him to the legs. The pixies were using him as a stuffed turkey on Thanksgiving Day. They were busy trying to shove as many objects as they could find up his ass. She was so shocked by what she saw that she was unable to articulate words. She closed the door and left Harry to guard it.
"Miss Granger, please run to Hagrid's and have him go and retrieve Petunia Dursley for me," she said in a choked whisper. "I would do it myself, but I think I am going to be sick. Mr. Potter, do not let anyone into this room. I would recommend that you not enter either. I have to go see Poppy Pomfrey about getting my eyes removed and my mind Obliviated."
Harry sighed and stood guard outside the door. Hermione ran off to do what she was asked. Minerva vomited before she headed off to the infirmary. A few moments later, Severus passed Harry in the hallway.
"Harry what are you doing out here?" he asked. "Are you in some kind of trouble?"
"No Sir," said Harry. "Professor McGonagall asked me to stand guard until my Aunt gets here. I am not allowed to let another student into this room. Aunt Minerva mentioned something about going get Obliviated due to what she witnessed in there as well as getting her eyes taken out. Hermione is going for Hagrid who will get my Aunt."
"What is the vomit all over the floor?" Severus asked waving his wand and cleaning it.
"That would be Aunt Minnie's breakfast," said Harry. "Whatever she saw in there upset her stomach. She went to see Aunt Poppy for something for her stomach. I have a copy of Professor Lockhart's pop quiz if you would like to see it. Hermione and I were not all that impressed with it."
Severus nodded and Harry handed it to him. The more Severus read, the more shocked he became. He stood there with Harry with a look of utter disgust on his face. Every now and then, they could hear a scream of pain come from within the classroom.
"Do you have any idea who is getting attacked?" asked Severus.
"Professor Lockhart," replied Harry in a tired voice.
"Any idea of who or what is attacking him?" asked Severus.
"Cornish Pixies," sighed Harry.
"Do I even want to know?" asked Severus.
"Trust me when I say Uncle Severus that it is best to let Aunt Petunia deal with the situation," said Harry. "She is coming up now and she will deal with it. I would not want you to lose your breakfast over this."
Severus nodded is head in agreement and waved to Petunia as she came to the door. Harry quickly filled her in on what started to happen before they left the room. She nodded her head and patted him on the arm. She entered the room and closed the door. Moments later, she came running out of the room looking like a deer in the headlights. It was the first time that she had been shocked by much of anything. She sat on the floor and started to shake. Harry and the two professors were concerned by her behavior.
"Aunt Petunia?" asked Harry. "What happened?"
"You all are not going to believe this," said Petunia to Minerva and Severus. "There is some little blue fairy looking creatures building a road of some sort in mid air. One of them is driving what would appear to be a tiny car. A neon sign is over his ass that says "The Tunnel of Love". I am not sure if this is something that I can take care of. I think I want to gouge out my eyes and drink acid or something. This is the most disturbing thing I have ever witnessed."
At that time, Voldemort was passing by. Petunia looked at him and then grabbed him by the arm.
"I want you to go into that room and rescue that man from those little blue creatures," she said. "By the time I am ready to enter that room again, I want him standing up on his own and able to speak."
"Ok Boss," said Voldemort and entered the room.
The group stood outside and waited for a few minutes. Loads of whooping and hollering was sounded through the door. After about ten minutes Voldemort came back outside zipping his pants. He started whistling a tune as he walked away. Petunia and Minerva glanced at each other and then peeked into the room. Lockhart was trussed up like a roasting pig on the table. The only thing she could say was at least he was dressed like Voldemort was asked.
"This has got to be the strangest school that I have ever been in," said Petunia. "Has it always been like this?"
"No," said Minerva. "Only since Harry started and Dumbledore lost his marbles. We are not sure why, but there is something about Harry that has made the man insane for power and such. He is more concerned with your nephew than doing his job. This is the second useless Defense instructor he has brought into the school. We may well just summon Remus back and ask him to assist with the classes."
At that moment Albus ran by. When he saw Petunia, he stopped dead in his tracks. He screamed something that resembled 'Satan is here' and fled back the way he came. Severus went into the room and dealt with Lockhart. He came out with a disheveled DADA professor and stood there.
"I was just trying to show the students what could happen with creatures like that," said Lockhart. "I was finally able to get the pixies back into their cage."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth, and then make up appeared on his face. When the makeup finished appearing, he looked like Ronald McDonald and a ninety year old cross dresser ran into each other. The others were standing there in amusement. The look was not a pleasant one for Lockhart.
"This is what is going to happen to him every time he takes credit for someone else's work," said Lady Hogwarts. "I am so sick of people lying in this place. We have a Head Master that is scared of his own shadow. We have a Dark Lord that is nuts. Now we have this idiot who thinks he is the greatest thing to happen to magic. Minerva if you could post notices for the Houses to let them know why Professor Blockhead will sometimes appear the way he does, I would appreciate it."
Petunia nodded to the group and took her leave. Harry and his classmates all went to Charms where they were learning some new and exciting things in the class. As usual all it took was for Harry and Hermione to grasp the basic and then they were able to perform the Charm. This day they were learning the Alohomora Spell. Harry and Hermione were already masters of this spell. Harry cast it and not only did the locks unlock, but they fell off the door. Harry sighed as he cast a Reparo on them.
In potions, there was an incident that made Harry want to crawl into a hole and never leave. He was sitting with Neville in their normal spot when Draco Malfoy struck again.
"Potty," said Draco. "I heard that you and Professor Lockhart are now booty buddies. I am going to start spreading that rumor around. That way you can understand that you should not mess with a Malfoy. My father only has about fifty million galleons left thanks to you. It is a good thing that I have my vaults or I would beat the hell out of you. Mother has left father and it is your fault. I am going to get you if it is the last thing that I do."
Harry ignored Draco and proceeded to work on his potion. He was helping Neville with a mistake the Gryffindor was making when Draco called out through the class to Severus.
"Professor," he called. "Lockhart's boyfriend is cheating for Longbottom. It is not fair that we have to do out own potions and Potty and Longbottom are able to steal their work from others."
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose as he looked over at Harry. Harry just sat there with a shocked expression on his face. Severus smiled at him before turning to Draco. When he did, he was shocked to his core. The cauldron that Draco was working at grew hands and grabbed the blond by his ears and was pulling his head into the cauldron. Draco had his hands on the rim of the cauldron and was trying to prevent that from happening. When it looked like Draco was about to succeed, the burner flared up causing him to yelp and let go. When that happened, the cauldron succeeded in pulling Draco's head in. Severus ran to his godson and was attempting to help the boy. The cauldron was determined to swallow his whole body. Severus turned to look at Harry. Harry sighed and walked over to the cauldron and tapped it with his wand. Immediately the cauldron spit Draco out and proceeded to regurgitate.
Draco had most of the hair on his head missing and his face had the implant of two butt cheeks etched on it. His nose had a brown ring on it. Soon the sounds of monkeys echoed in the room and Draco shit in his pants and then ran out of the room. Severus was not a happy person.
"Miss Abbott," said Severus. "When you see Mr. Malfoy next, please inform him that he has lost twenty points for his remark. Also inform him that he has earned a week worth of detention for leaving class early. Mr. Potter, take eight points for assisting another student with their potion."
With that, Severus waved his wand and cleaned up the mess that Draco had made. The next morning at breakfast, the group was all sitting there when the mail arrived. As they watched, an arrow zoomed out of nowhere and pinned a letter to Draco's forehead. It was a howler from Narcissa.
"DRACO MALFOY!" screamed the letter while Draco looked on dazed due to loss of blood. "HOW DARE YOU RUIN ANOTHER CAULDRON? SEVERUS CONTACTED ME LAST NIGHT AND TOLD ME HOW THE CAULDRON HAD TO BE SHOT AS THE AILMENTS FROM EATING YOUR HEAD CAUSED IT TO BECOME SICK. THERE WAS NOT A CURE FOR IT. IF YOU DO THAT TO ONE MORE CAULDRON, THEN YOU CAN JUST START BREWING YOUR POTIONS IN YOUR MOUTH AND SPITTING THEM INTO THE VIAL."
With that the letter ignited. When the fire stopped burning, his robes and part of his underclothes were also burnt. Harry stood up and walked over to him.
"I spoke with my lawyer last night." he told the burnt boy. "I am suing you for slander and pain and suffering. Be prepared to lose fifteen million galleons."
"But I only have twenty million in the bank," yelled Draco. "How am I supposed to live on five million galleons? My father is spending loads of his money at St Mungo's due to being addicted to shock therapy treatment."
"That is not my problem," said Harry walking back to his table. "You did this to yourself and my lawyer is always looking for a reason to sue someone."
At that moment a second arrow joined the first one. It was a letter from Jeff the lawyer.
"Dear small Malfoy," said the letter. "This is to inform you that you have lost your case against Lord Potter. Fifteen million galleons will be removed from your vault to Lord Potter's vault. Three million will be reduced for my fees. Eat shit fuck head. You are a loser now. The Weasleys are richer than you are. OO, OO AH, AH!"
Once more Draco shit in his pants and fled from the dining hall. He still had a mortal fear of monkeys.
Later that day, Minerva was passing the Great Hall when she noticed Dumbledore giggling by the fireplace. She was not sure what he was up to so she decided to investigate the scene. Dumbledore was magically arranging all of the sewage pipes to drain into two separate locations.
"Albus what are you doing?" she asked. "Where are those pipes draining?"
"It is a secret you skanky old besom," said Dumbledore. "Why don't you go and annoy someone else and leave me alone. This is the first time in weeks that I have had a moment's peace and quiet to get even with Harry Potter."
Minerva backed away as Albus farted. It was so loud and so hard that it undid some of his magic. The first set of pipes which were set to go off in Harry's rooms, ended up dumping mounds of shit in Albus' bed. The second set of pipes which were aimed at the Ministry of Magic was now being poured into the kitchen. When Albus finished farting, he looked up and saw a troop of house elves headed his way. All were covered in the waste from the school cesspool and none of them looked happy.
"Oh, Oh," said Dumbledore running from the room.
"Well," said Minerva. "That ought to keep him occupied for a bit. At least one of the four will be out of my hair for awhile."
That evening, the students were gathered into the Great Hall for the first dueling club. Lockhart was making a big to do about being so great. The students were not impressed with his words. He was standing there when they noticed that Professor Snape was there as well.
"Ok class," said Lockhart. "This evening we are going to start our little dueling group. Now we are going to pair up and practice disarming people. Who can tell me the spell for it?"
Harry raised his hand and gave the answer. Lockhart smiled down at him and awarded him eight points. He proceeded to tell them about his time as dueling champ. Many of the students were laughing at Lockhart as his face changed and his makeup had reappeared on his face. His robes changed into a used trash bag and he had sludge in his hair. Many of his teeth were blackened and he did not even realize what happened. When he did, he had to excuse himself for a few minutes to change. Severus took over while he was gone.
"I think a demonstration between me and Professor Snape is in order," said Lockhart upon returning. "Not to worry everyone, you will still have your potions teacher when I am done. Now we will take up our stances and we will show you the proper way to duel."
Lockhart and Severus bowed to each other and then took their places on each end of the stage. Lockhart did a lot of twirling with his wand.
"On the count of three, we are going to cast our spells at one another," said Lockhart. "One. Two. Three."
Before Lockhart was able to say the first syllable of his spell, Severus flicked his wand and sent a spell at Lockhart. The students were rolling with laughter as a giant spit ball hit Lockhart square in the face. It took the git almost ten minutes to try and get it off. Eventually Severus had to remove it from the man's face. The students were crying they were laughing so hard.
"Well I think we have enough to get on with," said Lockhart when he was able to breathe normally. "Why don't we pair a couple of students up against one another shall we? How about we allow Harry and Mr. Malfoy to try?"
"Excuse me," said Harry politely. "Why is it that you call everyone else Mr. or Miss and yet you deem it appropriate to call me by my given name? How is that fair to me? If you are going to address me, then I would prefer it if you call me Lord Potter or Mr. Potter like you do everyone else. You and I are not friends and you do not have permission to call me just Harry. That is a special privilege to people who have earned it."
"Come now, Harry," said Lockhart. "I am just being friendly. I count you as a friend. Do you not count me as a friend?"
"Isn't that what he just said?" asked Severus with a sneer. "Do you still have some of that spit wad in your ears? I will ask you to grant Mr. Potter's request Gilderoy and stop making him out to be your sidekick. Shall we get back to this dueling lesson, or shall I berate you further in front of the students?"
"Quite right Severus," said Lockhart. "Mr. Malfoy, please come up. Mr. Potter, please do the same. On the count of three, please cast your spells to disarm only."
With that, Lockhart counted to three. When he got to two, Draco cast his first spell only to miss and hit Lockhart. Harry fired his spell back at Draco and hit him square in the face. Ron fired a spell at Harry only to miss and hit Hermione. She fired one back at him. He jumped to the side quickly and Neville got hit by a spell. Soon spells were flying all over the room. Voldemort came in and spoke to Severus.
"Is this a new game?" he asked. "This looks like fun. Can I play too?"
Before Severus could respond, Voldemort picked up a chair and threw it at Lockhart. Lockhart crashed to the floor in a heap. From there, Lockhart picked up Ginny Weasley and threw her at Severus. Severus used his wand to deflect the girl and she crashed on top of Lockhart. Voldemort decided that he was having a great time. When Dumbledore entered the hall to see what all the commotion was all about, Voldemort picked him up and threw him at Ginny. She ducked and Dumbledore hit Lockhart causing him to smash to the floor again. Soon the house elves decided that they had enough. They picked up Lockhart and threw him into the lake. From there, they picked up Dumbledore and threw him into the floo and sent him to Malfoy Manor. After that, they picked up Draco and sent him back to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
Severus, Harry, and Hermione were all working together to clear up the mess. It was not long before the trio managed to get the wands away from everyone and then separated.
"Harry," began Lockhart and then paused as a smell came from him. He realized then that he had used the bathroom on his self. He ran from the room and changed his clothes. He came back in a few minutes later to survey the scene. He saw that Harry was still fixing the tables and such.
"Harry," he began and then stopped as once again he had diarrhea once again. He ran out of the Great Hall to go and change as the smell was nauseating.
"I wonder what all that was about?" asked Harry. "Please don't tell me that Lockhart will shit his robes every time he calls my name. That is worse than Dumbledore passing noxious gas when he calls me by my name. This can not be happening to me."
"Think of it this way," said Hermione cheerfully. "At least they both are going to know that there will be repercussions for calling you something other than Mr. Potter."
"That is one way to look at it," observed Severus. "If they continue, we can always bring in Petunia and see what she can do about the situation. If anyone can fix this it will be her. I wonder where Draco is?"
"You might want to check Myrtle's bathroom again," said Harry. "Last I saw, she was upset that he invaded her space and she was determined to make him drink all of the water from the toilets. I want to say that she had his head under t he water until he actually drank enough. He doesn't look to good at the moment."
"Damn it," snapped Severus as he headed to the loo to once more rescue his godson.
Days passed and the group was all worried. From time to time huge farts sounded and blew holes in the walls. Lockhart could be seen from time to time running for his rooms to change his robes. DADA was one of the stupidest classes for the school. Severus was rapidly losing his patience as he had to teach seven years worth of students Potions and then turn around and teach a group that was growing larger by the day DADA. The only good thing that Harry was enjoying was that so far he was the top in his year again.
One of the good things that Harry had to look forward to was the fact that Quidditch was starting up. They were at dinner one evening when he noticed that Dumbledore had his head together with Voldemort and Lockhart. Draco was not far away and they were discussing a new plan of attack.
"Harry Potter," called Dumbledore and had to wait while seven professors started to scream at him because of his smelly fart. "We challenge you to a duel. You are allowed to pick three people to help you in this duel. Winner gets your vaults. Voldemort, Draco, Professor Lockhart and I are the challengers."
"Very well," said Harry with a sigh. "As I don't have much choice in the matter and I am tired of you always harassing me, I choose Aunt Petunia, Jean Granger, Professor Snape and me to fight you. If you lose, you will turn over your vaults to the four of us. If you insist on coming after me, then I will have no option but to give you all that you are asking for. I need one hour to write to Mrs. Granger and my Aunt."
With that, Harry sat down and wrote two letters. When he had them both written, he sent one off with Hedwig and the other with Spook. An hour later, he had an affirmative answer from both women. Severus offered to go and pick up Jean while Petunia entered the castle and sat down next to Harry. Petunia glared at Albus and was cracking her knuckles. The old man looked constipated while viewing her actions. Severus came back in a few minutes later with Jean Granger. After greeting her daughter, Minerva rose and transfigured one of the house tables into a section for the four combatants. Hagrid was asked to referee the fight along with Minerva. Soon bets were being placed all over the hall. Students wanted good odds. The eight fighters took their places. After a brief huddle, Harry and his team made their plan. It was not long before Minerva told them to begin.
Harry and Severus quickly disarmed both Albus and Draco. Petunia stalked across the ring with Jean by her side and together they grabbed Voldemort and Lockhart. Both men screamed like little girls and tried to get away. Each woman grabbed the man by their ankles and started swinging them in a circle. Soon Voldemort's head crashed into Dumbledore's. Harry just kept firing hexes at Draco making him dance on the spot. Severus kept an eye out in case anyone sent anything dangerous at their team. When Minerva looked again, Petunia had Dumbledore's beard tied around Lockhart's neck and was using the two men like a punching bag. Severus obliged her buy hanging them from the ceiling. Jean was busy beating the daylights out of Voldemort.
"Uncle Severus," said Harry. "I am bored. Do you think that we won or should I let Aunt Petunia finish bruising up the rest of their bodies?"
"Eh," said Severus indifferently. "Let her have her fun. I am sure there are a few places on their bodies that don't have bruises yet. Even if she doesn't get in all of the shots, the ninja sumo wrestlers are waiting for their turn and some of Dumbledore's robes are also waiting. I see your lawyer is here and he is jumping up and down like an excited six year old girl."
"Yes," said Harry. "He is making a fortune off of suing people for me. He is probably the richest lawyer in Britain by now. He gets a fee from the people that lose their cases. I know that he is anxious to get to Lucius again if the man ever comes out of St. Mungo's. I am not holding my breath on that one. The last report I got about that situation was that the man was becoming addicted to rubbing alcohol. I think he has really lost his mind."
"That is a new development," replied Severus. "I have not heard that. I didn't think it was healthy to drink rubbing alcohol."
"Oh he isn't drinking it," said Harry. "He is snorting it. I would assume that it is starting to fry his brain cells."
Soon the sound of the lawyer getting the papers signed was done and the two women were standing with Harry and Severus. Both had a feral look on their faces.
"Just send us an owl anytime you need us Harry," said Petunia. "I assume that we are splitting everything four ways?"
"Of course," said Harry with a grin. "We all worked together and we all get a share."
With that Jean and Petunia took their leave. Sounds of sobbing could be heard as Dumbledore and Voldemort were being escorted out of the room by the robes. Neither man was on their feet. Both were dragged off to another part of the castle for some more abuse. Trailing behind them was a contingent of house elves. All had a dangerous glint in their eyes.
AUTHOR'S NOTE – Special thanks to Combatwars for his idea for Lockhart. I am going to start taking it slower with the chapters. I want to do them justice and I am not feeling it today. I hope that this chapter was ok.