a/n: a lil bit of Bella to start with today

The Movement You Need Is On Your Shoulder

BPOV

Watching Edward while he slept was great. His face was relaxed, the brooding look was gone and he seemed content.

He shifted below the coves a little more, revealing the jeans that he still wore from last night. He kept them on and I still wore mine also. He seemed to lose his composure as he kissed me, the doctor leaving him, and him being only Edward. But without the doctor in him, he was still thoughtful and considerate and refused to take last night any further than the kisses he gave.

His body was toned and long. His skin, pale and he really did look like some Greek god. I cringed at myself for the words I had slipped out the other day. I had never meant it to sound like that. But I couldn't lie, he was quite stunning.

His low slung jeans showed off the trail of hair leading to below the line of the material. It was so simple but incredibly sexy at the same time.

Reaching out, I had to touch his chest once again. My fingers would never grow tired to the electricity I felt below them as I touched his skin.

Touching him, my fingers trailed along his shoulder, some definition of muscle even present there. He was breathtakingly beautiful, so much it almost hurt. There must have been a queue of girls after him, no wonder he was so hesitant about coming near me. I was trouble. We both knew it and I was understanding if it was his own personal thoughts about me that would stop him from wanting to be with me, but not what others thought. No one would understand so why should we care about there input.

His hand grasped on to mine lightly and looking up to him, his green eyes sparkled.

He wore a small smile on his face and I went to him straight away, needing to kiss him.

He pulled me in close, his arms wrapping around my bare waste and I could feel the light tickle from the hairs on the backs of his arms, brushing against my bare skin.

He rolled onto his back, taking me with him and only deepening our kiss. His tongue trailed along the inside of my mouth, him pushing it further and further in. It was becoming slightly uncomfortable and it had me worried. Last night he had only ever been gentle with me.

I pushed at his shoulder, breaking our kiss and looked at him warily wondering exactly what was going on with him.

I never had to speak, he knew what he was doing.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I..I'm just not wanting to face reality. Its morning and I'm going to have too."

His grip was still tight around my waists and I found myself settling between his legs. Freeing one of his hands from my back, he stroked my cheek. "None of this is going to be easy. I know I cant take back last night and...I don't want to either. I just want to lay here all day-"

"Why don't we." I jumped in. I would love to do the same. All I wanted to do was lie in Edwards arms and feel normal, to feel like I belonged. For him to make me feel wanted, like how he had last night.

"We have to work. I cant even risk it after the other day..." he sighed heavily and you could hear the stress he was under. "Besides, I want to know about last night."

I had been hoping that he wouldn't bring it up. I felt so guilty at the sight of his poor face and the scab he now wore, because of me.

"Please, just not now. I don't want to talk about that. I just want to enjoy the little time we have until you need to get ready."

Looking at the clock, it was early. We still had almost another hour before he had to begin to get ready for his day.

"No, I want to know why you did it. Is it some kind of defence mechanism. This is what you do, you go to men to sleep, is that what you thought you could get from him?"

He still held me close but I had had enough. When would he see it for what it really was. His words had hurt me and all I wanted to do was to retaliate. There was no second psychological guessing to this. It was me, a girl, hurt buy the boy she cared for.

Pushing up away form him, I wanted to be back in his arms again. I was still topless and I felt the cool air of the room surround my back without Edwards arms to keep me warm.

"Why do you always have to be the doctor?" I asked quietly. I could feel myself choke up at his vision of me, would he always see me as some broken patient that needed to be patched up or could he see me for the person I was. I knew I wasn't the best for him, but I was still a human being.

He shuffled up on his elbows looking at me. "I'm not always the doctor. Look at me, Bella. Do I look like some doctor to you?" His head motioned down to his stripped torso.

"We might be topless Edward, but you still always manage to slap that label on me. Everything you say is the doctor in you."

He sat up reaching for me. "That's because you need a fucking doctor. You need help."

He was right, but he was so very wrong at the same time.

"Why can't you see me for who I really am? I went to Jake last night because I knew when you found out, it would hurt. I wanted to do that to you. It wasn't some deep thought inside me, not realizing. I wanted to do that because you had hurt me. I wanted to hurt you back and I knew it would. I...I just never expected you to come after me and for you physically get hurt. That...that wasn't my intention."

"You think I wasn't going to come after you?" he shouted. "You think I didn't worry that you had done something to yourself?"

"That's your problem, Edward. You see me with this wreckage. That my mind needs fixing, and maybe it does. But I still want someone to see past that and care about me. No one cares about me. No one except Alice and Jake." I shrugged as I quietened on Jakes name knowing it could upset Edward.

"He cares about you?" he laughed bitterly at my words. "If he cared about you, he wouldn't be trying to get you into bed."

"You mean like, you?" I motioned to exactly where we were. In Edwards bed.

"It isn't the same. He was trying to get into your jeans, I was trying to keep them on you."

"Don't speak about Jake like you know him. You don't. You don't know how we work-"

"How you work? How long have you been screwing him, Bella?" he shifted closer to me, grabbing hold of my wrist, not letting me escape his questioning.

""He loves me. He treats me as if I'm normal, like you do half the time, the other half of the time, you treat me like some patient."

"I never treated you like a patient and if he really loved you, he wouldn't take advantage like that."

I shook my head at him, "Don't you see, it's me who is taking advantage of him. 'Poor Bella, she doesn't know what she's doing.' Well its a lie. I know I go to him and he makes me feel better. When he treats me like a normal person I feel like I could be normal one day. I know he cant help me. But he's there for me. I need you to be there for me, I need you to treat me how you would treat someone in our situation..."

"I don't know how to treat someone in our situation. How come I'm the one that has to know everything when Jake gets away with nothing." He was pissed off and I had no way of helping him, I needed him to understand first.

"Because he never promised he would help me and he isn't the one I'm falling for." I swallowed hard, my words sticking in my throat. "When I ask you to treat me like how you would treat someone in our situation, I don't mean as some patient, I mean...as a girlfriend."

He had to see there was a difference.

His eyes looked surprised by my words. He looked startled. "Bella, I don't know if we can have that..." I wanted for him to see that something really was going on between us, why not be his girlfriend.

"Why not? What makes me so different from all the other girls. Yes I know the obvious, but what is it, am I not good enough to be seen with?"

"I'm to old for you." he argued.

"That didn't stop you last night and it didn't stop you this morning. Why would it be so bad if we were together?" I knew the reason, he just wasn't admitting it. He was ashamed to be with me, he was worried about his reputation and I couldn't blame him.

He scrunched up his eyes, struggling not to say the wrong words to me. "It's not what you think, Bella. I want to be with you, but I made a promise to other people. I promised your father. He trust me with you."

"Exactly. He knows that you want to help me, why cant we have it both ways. I want to be with you." I was begging him.

"I...I just don't know what this is." he shuffled closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me into him. "I care about you. So much. Every time you do these things, it hurts me. I know how you are, how your brain is. Right now your focusing on me but when you don't and you have a bad day...What if I'm not there, Bella. I cant keep trying to save you if you wont do it yourself. You wont survive and neither will I."

I saw the genuine pain in his eyes. The pain I was causing him. I hated it. But I only wanted to make it better.

"Well don't turn away and I'll keep fighting it." I had to have him believe it. I didn't want to leave him, I only ever want to leave behind the pain.

He pulled at his hair and I reached up for his hand, kissing the palm of it before resting it across my heart. I need him to want me back. I knew he did but he was to determined not to allow it.

"Please...just let me be normal." I didn't want him to think of that girl any more. I knew it was hard. He had saw my medical notes he saw the things I had done to myself. He knew my secret. But he couldn't turn me down because of it. It wasn't fair that those things should haunt me like that. It wasn't. I never knew when I was doing all of those things, that he would find me, that he would let me in and make my world better.

He bowed his head, nodding. Looking back up to me, he agreed. "Normal."

Pushing myself up onto him, I kissed his lips fervently. I needed this. I needed him. I was falling in love with this man and I had no idea how he had tore down that wall, all I knew was that he had and he had me, open and exposed.

I slid up onto his knee, my legs at either side of his waist. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me in the way I knew he could. In the way that none of the others did, not even Jake.

Our chests touched as I held him in close and continued kissing him.

His hand cupped my cheek, holding me in the most gentle pose. His touch alone could break me.

I reached for the button of his jeans, swiftly opening it up. I wanted this.

His hands instantly clamped down on mine, stopping me from unzipping his fly. "No, Bella, no." he breathed out his words and I wasn't entirely sure he wanted me to stop. It sounded like he wanted me to stop for what he thought was right, rather than what he wanted.

"Yes." I breathed out across his mouth, fighting to get to him.

He snapped away from me. "I said, no, Bella."

I put my head down in shame at trying to force myself on to him. He wouldn't want me like that after he had caught me with Jacob. I was wrong for even trying. "Sorry." I mumbled out, feeling utterly ashamed of myself. "I..I understand." I shrugged.

"What do you understand?" he asked a little confused.

"That you don't want to be with me, not after you saw me with Jacob." He had every right to feel that way. This was my doing once again.

He pulled me to wards him once again. "No. That's not it, Bella. I had no right to act the way I did. That was your business. I turned you away and when I saw that, I got jealous and I just snapped."

He was jealous of Jacob?

"I don't know what to do here, I know what's right and I know what's wrong, but what is wrong, feels so right." he sighed, aggravated with himself. "I'm not making sense here, I know that. But you are so quick to tell me to stop with the labels when its the same thing you are asking me to do. You are asking for me to commit to something I know I shouldn't. You want me to tag it as something, so we can show it off to the same lions that are already judging us."

"I...I didn't mean..." I didn't know what I wanted from him, I never meant for it to sound like that. All I wanted was to be with him, for him to want me too.

"I know, Bella. Just can't we take it as it comes. I'm not keeping it quiet because I'm ashamed of you. I'm anything but. Those bastards don't know what there talking about. I'm proud of you for getting to this point. I just don't want to rush into something that you are not ready for. I know you think you are, but I don't want you to depend on me and it could happen."

I didn't know what to say. I understood him and he was right. I accused him of labelling and it was the very same thing I was trying to do.

I only said what I knew to be true. "I want to be with you."

He nodded at my words. "I want that too, and I want to be, be with you." I understood his words, he wanted me physically. "I just want to take it slow. There doesn't need to be a rush, does there?"

I shook my head. He was right again, what was the point of rushing into this in any more than we already had.

He gave a small smile and it warmed me from the inside. "You know, I have sometime before I have to get ready. Do I get to kiss you once more?" he asked so shyly and I felt myself blush at the sweetens of his tone.

I nodded shyly as his mouth came down over mine and we kissed once again. He rested me on my back and lay between my parted legs. Through the two layers of denim, I could feel him and I knew that he wanted me, but despite the cries his body gave, he didn't give in.

He wanted to go slow.

And I was happy with that.

"Bella, really? Is that you?" He asked confused as he felt my forehead.

My smile only grew as Mike teased me at work. As much of an ass he was, I couldn't help but admit that he was a decent guy. A little dim maybe...but a relatively decent guy.

"So what got you smiling? You know I thought after your little pill swallowing contest at the weekend ..." He shrugged as he fished off, meeting my eyes.

"My what?" I knew what he had said and I knew what he was referring to but I wanted to know where he had heard it from.

"Bella, you know I never meant it like that. It's just gossip right?" he was questioning me and even though he knew that I had been off, it hadn't been mentioned that it was because I had overdosed on medication.

I had to stand up and make it real.

That was what Edward told me. I needed to admit the truth to myself and everyone around me before I could get real help.

"No. I tried to kill myself." I admitted unashamed. Edward had made me feel inferior. I knew why I had done it. Life was hard. It was unbearable for the most and after my fall out with Alice, it broke me. But I still needed to admit to these defeats within myself.

He looked at me in horror. He didn't know what to say, and honestly, I didn't expect him to say anything.

"I'm...I'm...I..I..-" he stammered on his words, completely unsure of what to say to me in this moment.

"It's okay, Mike. I understand, you don't have to say anything." he really didn't. The fact he hadn't ran away was enough for me.

"Are you okay?" he sighed. "I mean, how are you doing? I don't know if I can help...but...you can always talk to me if you want?" I seemed more like a question, especially given the hesitant shrug.

"Well I told you that. I think that's enough for your little brain to handle for one day." I patted him on the head with a little laugh.

"Really? You are managing okay?" He looked at me, still curious to know the hows and the whys but still afraid to ask.

"I'm doing okay. I have someone helping me. I suppose I felt like I have turned a bit of a corner. Its a small corner, but its a turn none the less." I was feeling proud of myself.

I remembered at feeling so ashamed of myself when I had got lost in the forest behind Alice's house. I worried that Edward would figure I was a lost cause and had thought I had went out there to attempt to end my life again. I had been so relived when it had been him that had found me and had cared for me, making sure I was warm again.

When we had been in the kitchen and he let it slip, that to him, I wasn't some quick fun, I could hear the sincerity lace his voice. I knew I could trust him. I had trusted him, but I had trusted him with my mind when I opened up about Katrina. Now I was trusting him with my heart and the concern he had showed this morning only proved to me that he genuinely had my best interests at heart.

I knew he didn't want those feelings for me, that without them it would make it all easier. But he had and he was trying his best to give me what I wanted and what I needed alongside with what he wanted.

He was mad at himself for being weak and kissing me. But he shouldn't have. It was something out of his control.

He wanted to control the situation, and in a sense, find some control of me. The thing that he failed to notice was, that he already had.

I knew I pushed him. I dug verbal jabs into his brain until he lost control, and in that moment, it was some truth from him.

I didn't like those words leaving my mouth, not when they were directed at, Edward.

I went to Jacob in the hope that when Edward found out he would feel the knot in his gut too, that he would realize it was there and it was connected to me. He couldn't control it, and the fact he had lashed out at Jacob like he had, it proved everything.

I only wish I had never saw that pain. I knew how it felt because it was the same pain he had inflicted upon me before I had left his in tears.

I knew it was wrong, immoral and just generally the shittiest way to treat people, both, Edward and Jake. But that feeling of rejection had me lashing out and doing the wrong thing for all the wrong reasons.

I was ashamed at my actions, but I couldn't regret them, they had only brought Edward and I closer.

I told Mike the truth because I knew I needed too. I needed to let this out and let the truth prevail, letting the rest of the town know the reasons why.

There was always gossip of my visits to hospital, the people of Forks mumbled it between themselves but I knew I was talked about. But I had never admitted it before. Telling Mike was a huge step, but one that seemed so easy, knowing I had Edward there if I needed him.

I didn't know if Mike would tell anyone my revelation, though a part of me hoped he would. It would save me a job. Things like that got passed around the Town like wild fire and I knew my admission to it would only intensify that.

But I knew I could handle it. I had Edward.

EPOV

I heard the front door close as she called my name out into the apartment. "Edward..?"

I couldn't help but laugh at the fact she had been comfortable enough just to walk into my apartment like she had. "In here, Bella." I called out to her, some anticipation building after this morning.

We had talked and even thought we had agreed to take things slow, I knew she wouldn't be leaving my apartment tonight, not if she didn't want too. I was completely weak on that one. After seeing the pain etched on her face with the nightmares I had been witness too, I couldn't send her off home, knowing that would be the result.

"Hey..." She called out with a smile on her face and a sparkle in her chocolate brown eyes. She peeled off her jacket before crashing down at my feet, on the opposite end of the couch from me. She was desperate to say something. She couldn't hide it.

I rose my eyebrows at her, wondering what was going on.

"I told Mike I took an overdoes." she let out triumphantly. The words and her tone sounded wrong together but I knew it was completely right.

"Well done. How do you feel about it?" she didn't look worried by it but I had to check. I had to make sure she was processing this okay.

She nodded her head. "Pretty good actually. He was okay with it all. Well as much as you could be with that." she shrugged before sliding out along the couch, her head coming towards mine.

"Do I get a treat?" she teased with a wicked glint in her eyes. I knew what she was looking for, she wanted a kiss and I was only too happy to give her one.

I reached her lips, kissing them softly, chastely. It was nice and I wanted more, though I was determined to hold onto my sanity a little more and not push too far. Her kisses from this morning had been with me all day. I couldn't stop thinking about her, them and that magnificent chest that she didn't seem to mind having on display. But I had to remember to keep the jeans on. The jeans had to stay on, no matter what.

"How was your dad after last night?" I didn't want to ask but I was more than positive he would be concerned about the whole situation.

"I never saw him this morning, but when I got back home, Jake was waiting to see him." She just left it there. I had to know what happened, so I prompted her again.

"And...?"

"And..." She sighed. "My dad is fine. He doesn't blame you. He knows you were just looking out for me. He was a little mad at Jake, but he's always had this warped idea that we would get together...I suppose he never thought like that though..." She chewed on her lip and you could see her mind drift back to her day.

I pulled her perfect bottom lip, out from the clutches of her teeth. "How was Jake?" I pushed.

She shook her head, clearly not wanting to go there but this was the least of her problems, so she really needed to get it out.

"Bella..." I tried.

Her eyes glazed over and I reached for her hair, tucking it behind her ear, letting me see her face. She was upset about something. I just didn't know what.

"I had to lie to him. I kept it quiet, that I have been staying here. He would only get angrier at the whole situation. He was mad that I told you what happened to my mum. He doesn't know and he's mad it wasn't him I went too. He was mad that it was you who found me too. I just tried to keep it to a minimum, you know?" She shrugged.

She cared a lot for this friend and she was doing everything in her powers so he wouldn't be hurt but the truth was, it was inevitable. Bella had already been asking for us to be something, if that was to happen, he would surely find out the truth.

"I don't lie to him, I never have done." there wasn't a doubt in her words or s hesitant thought.

"Well, don't." it was simple but I under stood it, though it wasn't going to help anyone in the long run. "Didn't he ask where you have been?" She had spent so much time with me, if he was her friend he would have been concerned.

"He doesn't ask any more, he doesn't like the answer." And I didn't like the answer to that either, but I knew I had to put her past out my head, it wasn't her fault. This was how she dealt with things.

Pushing her self further into me, I embraced her warm and her need to hold onto someone right now.

I felt her warm breath on my shirt, her damp air clinging to the material. I only tried to comfort her. Today she had a win but at the same time, she still felt some loss.

Kissing the top of her head, I smoothed down the back of her hair, her soft brown waves tickling the palm of my hand.

"Do you want to do something?" If she needed to get away for a bit, that was fine. If she wanted me to drive her to the end of the land for some peace, I would have done that for her, despite the tiredness I felt after my late night and early morning.

She shook her head. "No. I just want to lay out here, with you." I was happy with that answer.

We lay in a comfortable silence for about an hour, neither one of us feeling the need to speak and both of us thinking. I knew she would have been thinking about, Jake, but I had been thinking about her. The best way to help her.

I didn't know if I was helping any more. That was the truth of it. I was worried that things had become too personal. But that's how I was helping her in the first place. Being personal. She trusted me because of who I was and not because I wore a white lab coat. I wasn't a doctor to her and nor would I ever be. I would only be the one trying to help her get he life back on track. Yes, I had contacts I knew that in time could help me, but right now all she needed was someone to lean on and listen to her, someone that she trusted completely. If I dared to attempt to pull away and become the doctor, that would be lost.

I was sure she was sleeping. Her breaths were shallow and even and her body completely relaxed. I was tired myself and I knew I could do with an early night.

Lifting her up in my arms, she stirred, mumbling something incoherent to me as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

I placed her on my bed, pulling at her trainers that she still wore and began to unzip her hooded top that would be too warm to wear to bed.

I glanced down at her jeans and had to hold in my amusement. I had told Bella I was trying to keep them on her, but after last night and the nuisance they were to me as I slept I knew she would need to take them off. I unfastened the material and she began to help me fight them off in her half conscious state. We got them off and she was out for the night, cuddling into one of my pillows. Quickly I wrapped the bed cover around her to keep her warm and I began to strip myself for bed, discarding my jeans and t-shirt.

Brushing my fingers across her cheek, she seemed to lean into my touch a little. I bent down kissing her gently on the cheek before shifting below the covers and falling asleep for the night.

I could feel a trail of hot kisses long my neck, trailing down to my collar bone. It felt fantastic and my hand reached into Bella's hair, pulling her in closer. I didn't want her to stop. They were fantastic little pecks, caressing my skin.

I opened my eyes, noticing how much darker it had got since we had fallen asleep. I glanced at the clock and the red glow told me it was a little after three in the morning.

Reaching down to Bella's lips I kissed her and she kissed me back with a passion. I let my hand trail down her sides as I gripped on to her waist. I wasn't right sure if I was trying to stop her or encourage her.

I felt her climb over me and rake her fingers through my hair. We were cloaked by her mass of brown hair and all I could smell was her, she was so damn intoxicating and inviting.

I tried to remain calm, keep my composure, but it was slipping further and further away every moment she kissed me.

I rolled her onto her back, bracing myself around her hips. I never let up on kissing her. I couldn't.

Both of us began to pant for air and breaking away we caught our breaths as she continued to push me on further. Her palm ghosted my chest, down and then back up to my shoulder before her sensual touch carried on down the length of my arm, gripping onto my right hand.

Her hungry kisses started once more, pressing firmly against my lips and I only fought harder to get closer to her, as if it was possible.

Pulling on my hand she pulled it down between us, directing me. I wasn't sure what she was actually doing until I had touched her.

Instantly, I froze.

"No, no Edward. Keep going." She sounded as if her life depended on that touch but I couldn't do that.

We were meant to go slow.

I tried to pull my hand away but her grip was tight and I was too stunned to fight my hand out of hers. Part of me was battling to keep my hand there, I was sure of it.

I sat up from her a little, my hand still resting where she held it, over her centre.

I could feel her.

She had her underwear on but I could sense her warmth and I knew she was turned on. It wasn't helping my inner battle.

"Just let it happen. Its going to." She was sure of herself. Positive. And it scared me a little. Okay, it scared the shit out of me.

I wanted it but I still couldn't decide what was right and what was wrong. To help her was right, to have her was wrong. But was loving her, right or wrong?

I knew I wasn't just going to have her. I had a lot more respect for her than any of those other fuckers that thought they could touch her. This wasn't some quick thrill to satisfy my needs. This was a want and deep, deep want, for her to only ever have the best. I wanted to be the best guy for her but I didn't know if I was capable of being that person.

There were still too many hows and whys and what ifs. Everything was grey. There was no simple line between black and white and I knew that she might never get over her trauma, that it might have to be something that she had to live with. But was it something I could live with?

My hand still rested on her sex, the need to have her, killing me.

I looked into her shiny brown eyes, filled with unshed tears and I knew my hesitation was rejection in her eyes. It wasn't. My hesitation was at myself. Was I really the guy she needed in her life right now?

I knew leaving her would only devastate her further, and if I was honest, it would only devastate me, too.

I swallowed hard.

I needed to make a choice.

a/n: Please Review

Okay sorry this took as long as it did, I have been kinda snowed under – and for even moer bad news...my cousin is visiting me so I wont have another UD for about a week – so so sorry! xx