DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.
DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.
NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am. PLEASE NOTE that there is NO slash in this fic as of yet. There might be some in later chapters, but I am not sure. I am just concentrating on making you laugh rather than a funny story.
NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. Thank you to all my fabulous readers that are egging me on.
Chapter 10 – Can I Get An Oh, Oh?
The quidditch games started. Harry was enjoying himself. He watched as the players took the field. Slytherin House was competing against Ravenclaw. The Ravenclaw seeker was sick and Harry was able to play in the game for once. The game got started and soon enough Harry knew that there was going to be trouble. The beaters were determined to knock Harry off his broom. They were aiming their bludgers at him with a ferocity that was deadly. While they were aiming at Harry, the Ravenclaw beaters were making short work of the Slytherin team. Soon the score was one hundred to ten in favor of Ravenclaw. Harry was racing down on his broom to get the snitch when he was hit in the arm by the bludger that was aimed at him. It broke his arm. He grabbed the snitch with his other hand.
"Ravenclaw wins," called Lee Jordan. "The final score is two hundred and fifty to ten. It seems that the Slytherin beaters are not done with Harry yet."
Marcus Flint aimed another bludger at Harry. Harry was cradling his broken arm and crying with pain when he noticed that the crowd went from concern to laughter. He looked around and saw that the bludger had reversed course and hit Flint right between his legs. The broom flew to the ground where it stuck straight up in the mud. Marcus fell on it and was hanging from the top part of the broom by his collar. What had everyone laughing was the fact that midgets appeared out of no where and grabbed him and started singing while going around something they called a May Pole. From there, they sat back and had a mud fight. They were taking turns throwing mud mixed with fecal matter at Flint and scoring each other by how close to his face that they got.
Professor Lockhart decide to head to Harry and check to see if he was alright.
"Harry," said Lockhart and waited as he used the bathroom on himself. "I will heal your arm right quick and then I must be off to change my clothes."
"I don't want you fixing my arm," said Harry. "Let Madam Pomfrey do it. She is the school nurse after all."
"Nonsense Harry," said Lockhart and waited as a second bout of diarrhea hit him. "It will take but a moment."
Lockhart pulled out his wand and cast the spell on Harry's arm. The bones disappeared from his arm causing Harry and Cedric to scream in outrage. Poppy came up and when she heard what Lockhart had done, she borrowed Harry's broom, grabbed Lockhart by the head and slammed him to the ground. From there she took the broomstick and gave him a sound beating.
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO," she repeated hitting him. "How many times do I have to tell you that you are not a qualified healer and that you have no right to try and heal anyone? We will be talking to Mr. Potter's lawyer about this. You can bet that you will be loads of galleons lighter when this is all said and done."
She turned to Harry and Cedric when she was done beating Lockhart.
"Mr. Diggory," she said. "Will you help get Harry to the infirmary? I have to go and speak to Petunia. I will be along shortly to fix Harry's arm."
Cedric nodded and helped Harry stand. As they were walking to the entrance of the school, Voldemort was standing there laughing at Harry. Poppy took him by the ear and gave him a beating just like she did to Lockhart.
"We do not tease other people when they are hurt due to the stupidity of others," she scolded. "This is a bad example that you weirdoes are setting for the children. How are they expected to behave when people seventy years old and older are behaving like preschoolers?"
"You better be warned old woman," said Voldemort. "I have a vat of acid in my rooms and I will push you into it."
"That did it," shrieked Poppy. "When I tell Petunia what you just said, she will make you drink that vat of acid and you will be shitting steam and putrid things for the next few years."
With that Poppy sent an elf to Petunia with a message that she was needed at the castle once again. When that was done, she went to the infirmary to work with Harry. Meanwhile Rolanda and Minerva were busy giving Flint an earful. When they were done, they left him hanging on his broom and went inside to check on Harry.
"What are we going to do about all of this?" asked Minerva. "We have Albus killing us with gas every time he speaks Harry's name. We have Voldemort running around acting like he is retarded. Now we have Lockhart running around like he is some kind of fairy tale princess pretending he knows what he is doing. Let's not forget that he has a bout of diarrhea every time he says Harry's given name."
"Speaking of that," said Rolanda. "I just so happen to pass his quarters the other day. You will never guess what I saw."
"What did you see?" asked Minerva knowing she was going to regret it.
"Lockhart, Dumbledore, and Voldemort were in Lockhart's suite of rooms," she said. "The stupid asses left the door open. They were all dressed like princesses. It was complete with gowns and tiaras. They were having a tea party. They were attempting to see about getting Draco Malfoy betrothed to Voldemort."
"Are you serious?" asked Minerva.
"No," said Albus running by. "Sirius is in prison thanks to me. Her name is Fat Fanny. She is part of the large ass society and she is determined to have the largest ghetto ass in Hogwarts."
Both Rolanda and Minerva stopped dead in their tracks. Neither woman was able to speak for a few moments. The insult was so blandly uncalled for that both women saw red. With that, they nodded their heads in unspoken agreement and gave chase to the old wizard.
"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE," screamed Rolanda. "WHEN I AM DONE WITH YOU, YOUR BALLS WILL BE HANGING AROUND YOUR CHIN."
All the males in the vicinity held their crotch protectively at that proclamation. As Minerva and Rolanda passed, they noticed that Voldemort was cackling while standing next to a vat of something on the floor. As they raced past him, Minerva accidentally bumped into him and he fell in. She paused to observe the scene while Rolanda continued to chase Albus up the hall.
"What is going on here?" asked Petunia coming up with Narcissa Malfoy. "Who is in there?"
"Voldemort was doing something stupid no doubt," answered Minerva. "What he was doing with a vat of acid in the corridor is anyone's guess. The question is how are we going to get him out of there safely?"
"Eh," said Petunia. "Let him figure it out on his own. I am to understand that Harry was hurt by Marcus Flint and then Lockhart did him something?"
"Oh yes," said Minerva. "Lockhart took it upon himself to heal Harry's broken arm and ended up removing the bones all together. From what I saw, Poppy beat the piss out of him literally with Harry's broomstick."
"What are those students doing over there?" asked Petunia.
The trio of women came upon a group of students surrounding something on the floor and they looked like they were praying to it. Lockhart was standing there giggling uncontrollably.
"What are you all doing?" snapped Minerva.
"Holy Shit," said Lockhart.
"I beg your pardon," said Minerva huffing up immediately. "What are they doing on the floor and what is it that they are praying to?"
"Holy Shit," repeated Lockhart. "Don't you know anything? When a wizard gets the shit beat out of him by a witch, he constitutes a religious faction. It is now Baptist Poop. So therefore it is…"
"Holy Shit," said Petunia understanding immediately. "Are you telling me that there is a pile of shit on the floor that these students are now worshiping and you have some insane idea that it is religious?"
"Isn't that what I just said fat ass?" snapped Lockhart. "Religious Poop, or Holy Shit, take your pick of what you want to call it. Now if you don't mind, we have a shitty sermon to listen to from this pile of shit on the shitty floor."
"Did he just call me fat ass?" asked Petunia.
"It seems to be the daily insult," said Minerva. "I was helping Rolanda chase Albus for calling her Fat Fanny before you arrived. This pile of shit on the floor might be due to her actually catching him."
"So he called me a fat ass," confirmed Petunia to the nod of the other woman. "Well then I think that I have to teach this worthless bastard a thing or two."
"Hey, hey, hey," snapped Lockhart. "Didn't I just ask you to shut the hell up? We are trying to listen here."
Petunia grabbed him around the neck and dragged him screaming to a secluded section down the hall. When Minerva joined her a few minutes later, Lockhart was laying on the ground. He had one hand shoved into his mouth while one leg was wrapped around his neck. The other leg was not noticed at first until she went to the other side and saw his foot in his own ass. Narcissa was busy taking pictures of the scene for the newspaper while Petunia was screaming about getting the lawyer here for the paperwork to begin for the lawsuit about the damage he had done to Harry and for the stupidity that he had done to her. Jeff the lawyer came bouncing along a few minutes later with the documents in his hand.
"How does he do that?" Minerva asked Narcissa. "He always seems to know when Harry or Petunia wants to sue someone."
"I think he has a generic sheet made out," explained Narcissa. "All he has to do is, fill in a name, an amount, and who is being sued and there it is. When the courts see that it is Jeff the lawyer suing for Harry Potter or Petunia Dursley, they don't even read it anymore. They just stamp their approval on it and file it. I wonder how much she will be getting from this loser."
"Twenty million for Harry and ten million for me," said Petunia. "That should about break him down to nothing. He better start writing some more fan fiction stories so that he can make some money off of them and replenish his vaults. According to Jeff the lawyer, Lockhart will be lucky to have five thousand galleons left in his vault after this."
"By the time Jeff is done, harry will be the richest man on the planet," observed Minerva. "Well I hate to run off, but I need to see if Harry is ok. Plus we still have the Dark Lord in the vat of acid. Wont Lockhart get sued for copyright infringements if he gets paid to write fan fiction?"
"What do we care?" asked Petunia bluntly. Minerva just nodded her head in agreement at the statement.
When they got back to the vat, Hermione was standing there looking at a blond haired woman in awe.
"Who is that Miss Granger?" asked Minerva curiously.
"I am Voldemort," snapped the Dark Lord. "I am the most evil person on the planet."
"No you aren't," sang Albus as he ran by with Fluffy in hot pursuit. "Harry Potter is."
Fluffy passed out and soiled the floor with the fart that sounded from Albus.
"He, he, he," giggled Albus. "That will teach the big fur ball to mess with me."
Sighing Minerva grabbed Albus by the head and slammed his face to the floor and rubbed his face in Fluffy excrement.
"BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD," she said hitting him with a newspaper. "How many times have I told you about doing that to unsuspecting people or animals?"
"Four hundred and fifty eight times," whimpered Albus. "Hey! Who is the fox?"
"That's Barbara Eden," said Hermione pointing at Voldemort. "She played on 'I Dream of Jeannie'. It was a sitcom from the sixties. It was in black and white on TV."
"I am the Dark Lord you poor excuse for a human girl," screamed Voldemort outraged. "How dare you call me a woman?"
"Then what do you call those?" asked Hermione pointing to his breast. "Those look like tits to me. So that makes you a woman. Add in the fact that you are the spitting image of the woman from TV and that makes you Barbara Eden. You are even wearing her outfit."
"Those are pimples," said Voldemort. "I must see that old battle axe in the hospital wing to pop them for me."
By this time Albus was making crude gestures at Voldemort. He was making seductive comments to him as well.
"How about we go back to my room and play a game of hide and seek?" asked Albus seductively.
A few moments later, the spell wore off and Voldemort was standing there while still in the costume from the TV show. Albus was not deterred by this and was still calling out obscene references when Minerva grabbed him and started beating him with a yard stick.
"How many times have I told you to not talk about things like that in front of the students?" she asked while she beat on him. "It is inappropriate and not something you should do."
"Three thousand, nine hundred twenty thousand four hundred fifty seven times," admitted Albus. "But he is so hot in that outfit. Come on Minerva. I would like to procreate with him or her or what ever it is at the moment. This gets so confusing with the entire cross dressing thing that has been going on around here lately."
"That is your own fault you pervert," snapped Minerva. "Tom I suggest that you go and get changed. I will NOT have you dressed like this around my students. It is bad enough that you are in the corridor and I have to have acid poured on Miss Granger's brain so that she will forget what she has seen here today."
"Can I try that outfit on?" asked Albus. "I bet I would look better in it than old Mouldywarts."
"NO!" screamed Minerva. "You can not try it on. Albus I am warning you for the last time to get to your room and to not come out until dinner. You are hereby phenomenally prematurely persistently personally privately predominantly platonically permanently positively potentially punished. Are you even listening to me? I used a whole lot of words with the letter p in that sentence."
"It is not my fault you have a thing for urine," said Albus while Voldemort was busy bashing his head into the wall of the corridor. "Who do you think I am Penny Pingleton?"
Minerva got so mad that she assisted Voldemort in beating the hell out of Albus. Hermione was rolling on the floor laughing at the scene before her. Pomona had to come and rescue the young Gryffindor from the area before she did herself harm by laughing so hard. Soon the other teachers got involved in what was going on. Each wanted to teach the old bastard a lesson.
Meanwhile back in the hospital wing, Petunia was sitting with Harry while Poppy was doing her business.
"You are going to be here for the entire night," said Poppy. "Had that idiot let me do my job, you would have been fixed up in a jiffy. However, I have to replace all of your bones. That will not be pleasant."
"Harry what do you want to do about the Horcrux diary?" asked Petunia. "We still have yet to figure out what to do with it."
"We could always give it back to him," suggested Harry. "We can use a bit of magic on it and change the name on the cover. That way, he will think it is a gift and he will start using it. By combining the two parts of his soul, we can get him to have his own body so that Professor Quirrel can go home to his family."
"Harry there is another horcrux here in the castle," aid Lady Hogwarts. "I thought you should know. It is in the Room of Requirement. I can bring it to you if you like. Also I should point out that Voldemort is trying to access the Chamber of Secrets again. The last time he did that Myrtle died."
"HMMM," wondered Harry. "We can not allow him to do that. Legend has it that there is a creature in there that belonged to Salazar Slytherin. It is probably a huge dangerous snake of some kind."
"How do you know that Harry?" asked Petunia.
"The author of this story told me," said Harry. "Basically as the heir of the four founders, I can go in there and tell the snake to dance the hula if I so wish it. When I am free to move about the castle again, Blaise and I will go down and talk to the snake and do something about it. I wonder if we can move it to another location and away from Voldemort."
"Leave it to my nephew," beamed Petunia. "Here he is in the hospital wing and he is worried about a giant snake that can kill people. I am so proud of you. Maybe I can borrow it and deal with your former Uncle."
"I think there is a riot outside," said Poppy. "It looks like the staff of Hogwarts is beating the shit out of Albus again. Scratch that. It looks like Albus is putting on a show and the teachers are trying to get him off the stage. Students are screaming and scratching at their eyes in horror."
"What is he doing?" asked Harry curiously as Petunia went to the door to look.
"Do you remember the song by the Divinyls?" she asked. "The one that is entitled, I Touch Myself."
"Yes," said Harry. "Why do you ask?"
"Well," said Petunia as the students with bloody eyes came in. "He is standing there nude with the exception of a glove covering his privates while doing obscene gestures to that song."
EWWW," screamed Harry and promptly passed out.
"Oh dear," said Petunia. "After Jeff the lawyer sues Dumbledore, I guess I get sued for planting the image into his poor brain."
No sooner were the words out of her mouth then the lawyer ran in. He had her sign the parchments before running off.
"How much did he get this time?" asked Poppy.
"Ten million galleons from Dumbledore and thirteen million from me," said Petunia. "That will hardly make a dent in my vaults though. I am not that worried."
Later that day, Lockhart was walking around with a huge knife in his hands. Minerva noticed this and approached him.
"Gilderoy," she said harshly. "What in the hell are you doing?"
"I am going to become the world's first cereal killer," replied the man. "Since you all won't let me attend the dueling club anymore I have to have a new hobby."
"So you are going to go around and kill people?" asked Minerva shocked to hear the news. "How is that going to solve anything?"
"I am not going to kill people you stupid old lard ass," snapped Gilderoy. "I am going to kill Raison Bran, Fruit Loops, Cheerios, Corn Flakes, and Life Cereal. Why would I want to kill people? That will get blood all over my pink lace panties. Merlin, it is like no one around here has a brain. I have to think of everything all by myself. Now if you will excuse me, I heard from the house elves that there are a few boxes of cereal in Albus' bathroom. I have to go and kill them."
With that he left a very confused Minerva standing there. Luna walked up to the transfiguration professor and gently closed her mouth.
"Don't worry about it," advised the young Ravenclaw heir. "He was bound to lose his marbles sooner or later. He is just lucky I found them. They were hiding behind the pumpkin patch. Do you know why he is not allowed to teach the dueling club anymore?"
"Yes," said Minerva absently. "Because the last time he was there, he somehow managed to transfigure Hagrid's ass onto his face. It took me an hour to undo the problem."
"So that is why Professor Lockhart missed class for three days," observed Luna in understanding. "Hagrid must have gotten some sort of revenge on him."
"You could say that," said Minerva. "It took Madam Pomfrey over three hours to extract all of the items that were shoved up his ass. I swear that man has some kind of fetish for that sort of thing."
Luna didn't say anything. Minerva looked down and saw the pretty high heeled shoes the young girl was wearing.
"Miss Lovegood," she said pointing to the shoes. "Where did you get those shoes?"
"Some munchkins took them from Professor Dumbledore and told me to stay tight inside of them," replied the girl. "Something about if I throw water on Professor Dumbledore that he might melt. When they left I heard this huge crash and Professor Dumbledore was lying under a house that mysteriously fell on him in the middle of the Great Hall while wearing black and while striped stockings. Did you know that Professor Dumbledore wears panty hose?"
"Somehow that doesn't surprise me," said Minerva escorting Luna to her common room. "That man has gone around the twist. Oh by the way, we have to get the diary out of Harry's room. Petunia wants it returned to Voldiesnacks. If you could get it for me, I will make the necessary arrangements."
"WILL YOU PEOPLE EVER CALL ME BY MY CORRECT NAME?" screamed Voldemort as he ran by being chased by the costume he was dressed in earlier.
Somewhere around five hundred voices shouted a NO in response.
"I am the most feared Dark Lord in history," he screamed. "You will show me respect."
Five hundred dictionaries surrounded Voldemort showing him the definition of the word as well as pictures with lurid suggestions as to what he could do with the dictionaries when he was done with them.
Later that evening, the school was eating their dinner. Harry was sitting with Cedric and Luna talking when Dumbledore started talking to Minerva.
"Minerva," he said to her face making her recoil in disgust. "What are you going to do about Parry Hotter?"
"Albus, you breathe stinks," she snapped. "Could you please get your face out of mine so that I can breath? I swear it smells like shit."
"I don't see how," said Dumbledore. "The house elves gave me a tube of toothpaste. I used it before I came down to dinner. It was a pretty brown color. It' name is Poopgate. It is supposed to make your breath smell painfully good and whiten your teeth."
He smiled at Minerva and showed her his supposedly pearly whites. She promptly vomited in his face and then passed out from the smell. Poppy and Pomona had to get her out of harms way. Petunia meanwhile, was standing and then had Dumbledore bent over her knee and was giving him a sound spanking.
Harry gave a sigh and turned to his companions.
"I will be glad when this year is over with," he told them. "That way we can get rid of Professor Lockhart and maybe we can get an intelligent and knowledgeable professor for DADA next year. I swear that I can not keep up with teaching it again this year. I don't know how I am getting such good grades in all of my classes with all of the extra stuff that I have to do around here."
"Just be thankful that you ARE getting good grades," said Hermione. "Thanks to you we are once again passing the subject of DADA."
"Maybe I should just stop being a full time student and be a full time teacher instead," suggested harry. "I can always study on the side with the professors. If I am going to have to teach the subject of DADA every year, I should at least be getting paid for it."
"Oh I thought you knew Harry," said Cedric. "You are getting paid. Dad told me that the Ministry found out about what is going on and the Board of Governors have been getting you paid to teach DADA to your class."
"Wow," said Harry. "Well then I guess I better stop complaining then. At least I am still getting the top grade in all my classes. Professor Flitwick said that Hermione and I are like a prodigy or something. Professor McGonagall showed me my test results and stuff and I have an Outstanding in each and every subject. I am the top of the whole school right now."
"Well that shows that you are good at what you do," said Hermione. "At least I am not that far behind you. By the way, what are you going to do for the holidays?"
"Aunt Petunia and I are going to have a nice quiet dinner and then we will spend some time with the Professors while I get ahead of my school work again," he answered. "I just want a quiet holiday away form Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest."
Harry was only partially lucky. He had a quiet Christmas, but Voldemort was still an issue. The diary had been changed slightly and was given back to the man, err thing, or err wizard. Oh who knows? It gets confusing as the man has multiple personalities and two faces. Lady Hogwarts had also given Harry the Diadem of Ravenclaw. Harry presented it to Voldemort on Christmas morning proclaiming him to be Queen Elizabeth for the day. Minerva transfigured his robes into a gown that the Queen would wear. With the Diadem on his head and the diary in his arms, he fled the room as Dumbledore took off his clothes and proceeded to make more obscene gestures at him. Harry sighed as he went back to his rooms. As he looked back, he saw Minerva using a hot spatula on Dumbledore while screaming at him for taking his clothes off if public again. It was not long before Professor Quirrel ran into the room screaming something about being free. With that, the young man fled to St Mungos where he joined Lucius Malfoy in the room for shock therapy treatment.
When the holidays were done, things at the castle were somewhat quiet. It was one day during lunch that Lockhart stood up and made an announcement.
"I have the honor of reporting that I have killed nine different varieties of cereal," he said happily while the professors all slapped their own heads in exasperation. "When I am done, I will have killed at least one variety of each kind of cereal on the market."
"Would you like a cookie for all of that?" asked Ronald Weasley.
"Why yes I would," said Gilderoy rushing up to him. "Do you have chocolate chip? How about double stuffed?"
"Get away from me you fruitcake," yelled Ron as he and Gilderoy stated to fight over the cookies on the table. "You have your own food at the staff table you nasty fucktard."
"Weasley," snapped Minerva. "One hundred points from Gryffindor for that remark. Gilderoy, I insist that you leave that boy's plate go. You have your own food up at the staff table."
"I insist that you take your bottom lip and stretch it over that head of your and swallow," snapped Gilderoy. "I am tired of you Minerva McGonagall. You are a bitch from hell and you are in league with Harry's satanic Aunt."
"Lawsuit," said Harry and watched as a spit ball with the letter attacked to it hit Lockhart in the face. "I think I want his name as he doesn't have that much money left. Oh and I'll take his house too."
A second spit ball hit Lockhart in the nuts and Harry looked at the document.
Congratulations Lord Potter. You have won your lawsuit.
Sincerely,
Jeff the Lawyer
"It seems to get easier each time," remarked Hermione. "The lawyer doesn't even show up anymore. All that happens is the paper shows up with some sort of torture for the loser."
"Yes well," said Harry. "I think I am going to enjoy being rich. I wonder where Draco is. He hasn't caused any problems this chapter."
"That is true," said Hermione looking around. "Oh there he is. He is getting eaten by the portrait near the door. Professor Snape is trying to pull him out of it. Did you hear what the Fat Lady did by Gryffindor Tower?"
"Dare I even ask?" remarked Harry.
"Ronald Weasley will never be able to have children," said Hermione with a giggle. "He called her a fat hog and she ended up grabbing him and pulling him into her portrait. She changed into a dominatrix costume and preceded to umm, well I won't go into detail. Suffice to say that Ronald talked in falsetto for about three hours."
"How is it that you haven't drunk acid yet due to viewing all of these things?" asked Harry looking at her in concern.
"The author of this fic wants me to stay alive and in your corner for this story," she replied. "Besides it is giving me an education on the art of torturing people."
"AH!" was all Harry said.
AUTHOR'S NOTE – OK I have my groove back. I am pleased to announce that I laughed while creating this "shitty" chapter. Thanks for the support that you are all showing me while I am working on so many stories all at once. Don't worry if some of it is confusing. It is meant to be.