Strawberry Fields
EPOV
"Bella, no. You are not going anywhere." Jumping from my bed, I chased after her, out my bedroom door and along the hall. There was no light on and my eyes were only just beginning to adjust to the darkness.
"Go to Hell, Edward." she spat at me while she tried to pull her jeans on as she walked to the lounge, no doubt on the search for her trainers and jacket.
She stumbled backwards as her foot got caught in the leg of the denim. Catching her with my hands, I helped her up back to her feet as she tried to fight me away.
"Will you just leave me alone." She barked at me, quickly looking over her shoulder, narrowing her eyes at me. She still continued on her way, determined to leave.
"Bella, I said no. Listen to me. You are not leaving at this time of the morning. Come back to bed." Back to where she had no nightmares. Back to where I could watch over her and know she was safe.
"NO!" She screamed so loud it could have pierced my ear drum. I grabbed hold of her, silencing her with my hand. That's all I needed, Bella attracting the attention of the full apartment block. Her father would kill me for causing her to act like that. I had already had looks from neighbours, I knew they thought that they knew her, but I also knew that they really didn't so I ignored their glances.
She fought in my arms but I held her tight. She needed to calm down and listen to me. She was always one for stomping out, she never listened to reason or logic.
I felt her teeth bite down on the palm of my hand and I instantly threw her away from me, my instincts kicking in. I would never meant to do that, or to ever hurt her, it just happened.
She fell to the floor and bumped the side of her head of the wall with a dull, thud. I was instantly on my knees in front of her, my stomach churning. I had never meant do do that.
Pulling gently on her chin I checked her head, there was nothing there but a bump was sure to form, but she tired to clutch on to the spot, obviously in some kind of pain. She began to sob and the tears poured from her eyes like a fountain and I wanted to kick myself. She was never going to keep her faith in me.
"I said, leave me." her words were stuttered, her breath struggling in short pants. She was so damn stubborn but this time I couldn't blame her. She was still trying to shift away from me.
I pulled her into me, silently apologizing. "I never meant it."
I thought I had made the right decision.
I still didn't know if I was right or wrong. I had turned her down and now she thought I was rejecting her.
"I need you to listen to me. Not just at the bit you want to listen to, but all of it, okay..." I was already on my knees, I would have begged if she asked me too.
She never acknowledged my words and I wanted to shake her and make sure she was paying attention. "I want this to be right. I don't want sneaking around. I want it how it should be." But I wanted to get her on track first, before we dived head first in to that one.
"But you don't want anyone to know... Just tell me. You don't want me, because I don't know any more." She still sobbed but I still held her.
"I want you. I do. We just don't have to rush. I thought we agreed on that one this morning." It was the same entire conversation, all over again.
"But its gonna happen. Why not now?" She wiped at her tears, harshly and I pulled away her hand, gently thumbing them away so not to make her skin sore.
She sighed, "I was only looking for you to show me...show me that you really do want me. I wasn't looking for that. I just wanted you to put your hands on me."
I didn't know if I could. I was afraid of losing control and needing her too much to be able to stop myself. It wasn't her I was only concerned about. I had happily wrapped myself around her finger, waiting for her to need me. I wanted her to need me, because I needed her. My fear of her becoming to reliant was based on my own need for her.
I really couldn't see a way back, to a life without her in it. She swamped me, my mind, my senses. I needed her, to know I would see her, to get through my days.
I had been trying so hard to stay objective and for her to keep a distance. But I knew that was shot to hell now.
"Bella, I really want you. Fuck, I do. But last night killed me, I wanted all of you. Just remember I need to keep control. I don't want to ever put too much of myself on you." I stroked her cheek as her glassed eyes shone up at me. She always looked so innocent and it only made me hate myself. Was I taking advantage of her, was that all this was. I knew it wasn't but what would her father think?
"You can have all of me." she breathed out, trying to kiss my lips. Words like that weren't helping my resolve. She was dissolving it with that look in her eyes alone.
I pulled away before she kissed me. She couldn't just offer herself like that to me. There was this edge and I was gripping on to it with my life.
Her words sounded innocent and I was sure that this wasn't the line that she usually gave out to the other guys. She was being sincere and that's what was making this harder.
"Please, don't push me away. I want to be with you. No one has ever really cared about me, they take what they can get. I know your different. So... just, please, let me have this. I want to be with someone that cares about me and that I care about them. I've never had that before."
My heart shattered into a million pieces with the crack in her voice and her heart breaking words. How could someone like her be over looked and treated like crap. It was only more fuel to her blazing, unjust reality.
I pulled her into me, kissing her softly. She needed loved and that was what I was going to give her.
She had been right. It was going to happen. I knew it was, I just tried to pretend it wasn't.
I felt like I was almost obsessed with her and that was a piece of her I would always be desperate for.
I ran the tip of my nose along her cheek and I felt her shiver below my touch. I could smell her hair, the lavender soothing my senses. I felt my self calm a little and I wasn't sure if it was the smell of her hair or the fact that this only felt right. Touching her like I was, her strands of hair brushing against my knuckles from where my hand rested on the back of her neck. Her breath I could feel waving against my face, her sweet taste tempting me. It was all right. My hesitations were slipping and without them, I knew there was no stopping either one of us now.
Kissing the side of her face, I trailed my mouth along to her ear, catching the lobe of it between my teeth. She let out a groan at that one and her grip on my arm only grew tighter.
She was still so fragile. Breakable. And I knew if I was agreeing to this, I was agreeing to hold her together, indefinitely. There was no walking away. If she didn't want me, fair enough. I would take that. But she would have to order me away from her side if she wanted me away, I never could just turn away now, nor would I want to.
Her finger threaded through my hair as she pulled me down to her lips, our mouths smacking off each other furiously.
I wanted this.
And now I knew there was no turning back, no going back to the way things had been. I was completely tangled up in this situation and Bella, both emotionally and physically. Something in my mind almost settled, calmed. I had this...this hit, that I was desperate for. But I had never actually realized just how badly I had been needing it.
"Edward..?" She gasped my name out across my lips and I felt my self harden. She was asking me to have her. Just like she said I could.
Pulling on to her waist, I drew her closer into me before forcing her back down on to the carpeted hallway.
Suddenly I realized where I was. I had her pinned down below me in the middle of the hall. Not even on a damn bed. I couldn't take this any further, not here.
I wasn't entirely sure of just how far this was going to go but I knew I never wanted it just to happen on some piece of walked over carpet. She deserved this on giant water lilies or something, not on my god damn landing.
Wrapping her legs around my waist, I cradled her back, holding her into me, tight, so she wouldn't fall from my grip. My arms were as iron clad as our mouths were. Neither one of us parting for a second as I made my way through to the bedroom. The small tugs on my hair only encouraged me to pick up my speed as I crashed through the bedroom door, instantly toppling over onto the bed and swiftly putting out an arm to stop me from crushing her below me.
She tightened her legs around me again, encouraging me into her even more, pushing me against her. All I wore was my boxers. There was no way of hiding my need from her. None at all.
She was in her t shirt and underwear but I had to have more of her. Sliding down, I stopped at her midriff, placing small kisses along the space of skin between the two items of clothing.
I wasn't having her, I was loving her. And I was determined to do it right. She deserved to be treated like fine crystal. She wasn't that little fragile china doll, she was much more delicate and exquisite than that.
Her fingers still weaved through my hair, trying to tug me back up to her, but I knew there was no way I was rushing into this. As painful and as hard as it was to keep my composure, I still had it and was determined to keep it.
I heard a small giggle coming from her, her knees coming up higher, by my sides. I still lay out between her legs and I could feel her heat against my chest from where I rested up against her. I still struggled to see in the dark but I could see the beam of white from her smile, break through the darkness.
Teasing her, I gently nipped down on her hip bone with my teeth, causing a tiny sequel then another laugh from Bella. I was glad to hear the sobs had been replaced with some glee.
My palms rested on the very tops of her creamy thighs. She was so slim but I was sure when she got back on track her curves would begin to take shape that little more.
Gripping onto her flesh, I gently pulled her further down the bed, below me as I simultaneously lifted my self up a little so that she could fit.
Her hair trailed behind her, the mass of brown waves fanning out across the centre of my bed. It looked like it belonged there. That this scene should have been here form the moment I had moved in.
She bit down on her lip, she seemed like she was trying to control a smile, but she seemed nervous.
"You know, we don't need to do this." I didn't really know what I was assuming what was going to happen but I was sure something definitely was.
She shook her head shyly, her smile only growing.
Her petite little hands reached for mine, down by her thigh, brining it up to her face, to her mouth. Holding my hand in hers, she kissed the middle section of my folded fingers, almost like kissing the back of my hand. Her soft lips grazed along my skin and I couldn't help but notice how loving she seemed.
I knew she liked me. I assumed it was because of the fact I hadn't been trying to get her into my bed, not like this at least. But had that been my doing? Seeming nice and sincere to get her to fall for me?
But I had been nice, and I had been sincere. This wasn't a ploy. I wanted to look after her, to care for her.
I didn't expect her to care for me like I cared for her...but that kiss...it told me a everything and nothing all at the same time. She did care for me. I was sure of it.
I just wasn't too convinced that we would both get through this without a broken heart.
But who's heart was going to break?
I felt her fingers trail across my cheek, brining me back to reality. "Edward..." she whispered out.
Her tone and touch was so tender I could feel my gut clench at the need to shower this woman with love and adoration.
"Are you okay?" She asked out, her tone sounding a little worried. Like she needed to worry about me.
Reaching back down to her, I let my nose trail across her cheek once again as my lips made their way to her ear. "Absolutely perfect." And I knew with out word of a lie, that it was completely true. She had made me feel like that.
For the rest of the night, we explored one another's bodies in the dark, seeing only the look in her eyes. It was like I was blind, learning everything by touch. I felt the raised dot of skin on the inside on her thigh and assumed it was a mole. I was sure when the morning light began to rise, we would both be comfortable enough to still explore the other, only with our eyes also.
We never made love and as much as I thought I would have no control over it, the hypnotizing look Bella gave to me, seemed to have me entranced on keeping her feel entirely comfortable and secure, not pressing her too far. As vigorous and as encouraging as she tried to be, there was some trepidation seeping out of her, seeming to want to hold back slightly.
Eventually, we slept. Wrapped up in one another and completely consumed and satisfied, there wasn't a stir from either one of us.
Jumping up with fright, my alarm blasted music into my left ear. Bella was still draped around me, her pale naked torso being exposed to the cool morning air as her body shifted up with mine, automatically. She was only stirring, the music not giving her the same fright as it had to me.
Tugging on the covers, I brought them up to her shoulder, not wanting to chill her, and her bare flesh.
I hadn't noticed at first but her eyes were trained on to my hand, watching me cover her back up. She glanced up at me with a soft smile, seeming endeared with my motions.
"I...Just don't want you to get cold." I mumbled.
She let out a little laugh as she reached up from her position to kiss me, effectively causing the cover to fall back to her waist again. "Maybe you could keep me warm." Her tone was joking and playful, but I always liked a challenge.
In one swift motion she was below me once again, just like she had been last night. "I'm sure I could think of a few things to keep you warm." I rose my eyebrows at her suggestively and I loved the hearty laugh that she gave out.
In the middle of the night, the air had became more than a little warm, our constant touches and strokes causing our heart rates to increase.
I was taking advantage of the morning light that began to shine though the blinds, her body completely visible to me.
I trailed kisses down her breast bone, down her navel. All the time she trembled below me. She wasn't stopping me so I was sure it wasn't distressing her. As I slid further down, I once again rested myself between her parted legs. All clothing had been discarded in the middle of the night so I felt her warmth touch me, pressing against my bare chest.
As much as I still wanted to take her, it wasn't about that. I wanted to explore her. To see with my eyes, what my fingers had touched.
I slid further down her, her legs still trembling. It worried me but she still smiled. "Is this okay?" I asked lowly and carefully. If she felt at all uncomfortable, of course I would move. I was worried the day light was sobering her up and she would begin to retreat back into the tight enigma she was.
She let out a sound, a child like giggle and she smiled nervously at the same time her teeth pulled on her bottom lip. "I'm fine...it's...it's just what you do to me." her words breathed out and I understood. She was comfortable, just a little nervous.
I went to inspect the mole that my fingers had found in the middle of the night but before I could get down that far, my eyes stopped on the tattoo that was inked into her skin below the line of where her underwear would be.
"Fleur de lise?" My finger traced along her black dyed skin, along the points of the symbolic flower.
She sat up on her elbows, looking down at me. Her face was etched with some pain and I knew exactly why she had this permanent stamp on her skin.
"It's...It was for..." she sighed, frustrated at her own inability to form her words in time of distress.
"I know..." I interrupted her, to stop her from her struggle. I under stood why she had it, but I couldn't understand why she hid it.
These were the badges of the of survivors, the survivors of Hurricane Katrina. They were symbols of strength and determination and she deserved to have hers. But she hid it. The tattoos were often inked on arms, where they could be seen. So why did she hide hers out of view?
"It's beautiful." I told her. It really was, the harsh shade of black in contrast to her pale skin and the true meaning behind it made it incredibly precious, despite its simple detail.
Reaching the tattoo, I kissed it gently before I made my way back to her. The air had shifted and I knew this was another step we had to work through.
She was so determined to hid what had happened, that she even hid her tattoo out of sight. It could have meant anything to anyone that never knew her story, yet she still kept it a secret. I wondered who knew she had it and if it was only men she had been with that had saw it. I hoped no one had, but I knew they would have.
I slid up against the cool material of my bed, facing her and her glistening eyes. I knew my alarm had gone off to wake me up for work and that I was already running late but I couldn't have moved away from her if I had tried.
"When did you get it?" I asked her gently, trying not to frighten her into silence.
She shrugged a little hesitantly before she began to speak. "After Alice...after I wasn't allowed to see her. I went into Port Angales one night and got drunk, alone. This guy was talking to me at the bar, he said he was waiting on a friend of a friend. He was going to do a tattoo on him that night. He asked me to go home with him when his friend got there and that I could watch. I was interested in how it was done and was asking him questions." She shrugged nervously.
Did she stay with that man? Did he put his hands on her too?
I hated it. Any mention of another man and that was my automatic reaction.
"And..?" I asked a little worried.
"And, he asked if I wanted one done. He paid for it for me-"
"And what did he get in return?" The words snapped out of my mouth before I had any chance to even think them through.
Her face fell and I knew my words had stung. Here she was, open and vulnerable and I just took a major fucking swipe at her.
I closed my eyes at my own self loathing. "Sorry." I mumbled out the word like it meant something. I was truly sorry but saying it was never going to cut it.
I felt the bed shift and when I opened my eyes, Bella was slipping on her t-shirt over her head.
I sat up, reaching for her. I wanted her to know that she could talk to me. Well at least she should be able to talk to me. Without me judging her.
"I never meant it." I reached for her arm but she shrugged away from my touch.
"You know something? You keep saying that. A lot." Her tone was cold and harsh and everything I deserved.
Her eyes fixed onto the floor as she looked around for her underwear that I had removed from her the night before. I silently picked them up from the floor, by my side of the bed, silently passing them to her.
I didn't know what to say.
I was completely mute.
A thousand things were rattling through my head but the words just wouldn't come out.
She slipped on her underwear and sprinted from the bed, just like she had done last night.
"Bella..." I called on her desperately. My heart raced at the thought of her leaving me. After last night I knew she couldn't. She hadn't ordered me away yet and I wasn't giving up.
Quickly placing on my boxers, I chased her, running into the lounge after her. She sat on the couch trying to regain her composure. She was upset and she tried to stop her few tears that had managed to spill from her eyes.
I was instantly on her and all over her. I braced her, straddling her thighs, pushing her further into her seat. She rested her palm against my chest to push me back but she never push me away.
She was angry and upset but she was giving me time to try and sort this mess. To take back my words.
I clutched at her cheek with my hand and wiped away one of her tears away with my thumb, gently stroking it away. "I should never have said that. And you are completely right. I'm always saying things that I never mean, but I honestly don't mean them." I scrunched my eyes tight trying to man up and be honest.
"I...I get jealous when you speak of these...these people and I get angry. I get jealous because you gave a part of you to them and I get angry because they took it thinking nothing of it. It's not fair and it's not right, none of it, not with you."
She nodded silently, my hands stopping her from her movement a little.
She wiped at her other eye and I let my free hand up to caress her skin. "I never went with him. He only gave me some drink and the tattoo for the conversation. We talked a lot that night and he let me sleep on his couch. He was worried about me when I started screaming in my sleep but he was...well, he was fine. Nice – a bit like you." She shrugged.
I felt ashamed. I had assumed that everyone in the world had tried to take advantage of her but I had never thought about the people that would have saw that lost look in her eyes and would have just wanted to try and make it better. I was foolish to think that I was only one that hadn't taken advantage of her. There were a lot of decent people in the word, ones who were just willing to listen. I still felt jealous of him though. He had given her the tattoo. I had gave her nothing but hell and tears.
I knew I had been a little reluctant for Bella to label what we were, for her to call herself my girlfriend, but right now I understood it. I needed a label. I didn't care if she was my girlfriend or not, I only wanted to know that she was mine. She had been so open to my hands on her last night and this morning, I just knew it couldn't end. I needed to be able to touch her like that and have her in my arms.
I wasn't sure what it was all meaning but I knew I was hers. The question standing was, would she be mine?
I felt dizzy, almost sick, and the need I had to keep this girl by my side. To help her. I didn't know if talking about her tattoo had helped but I knew my reaction was doing nothing to ease her.
Reaching her lips, I kissed her firmly and full of passion, to show her I still wanted her. That I needed her.
She was stunning. Absolutely beautiful and she was trusting me with everything. I needed to see the bigger picture. Her healing from her past, not me constantly attacking her, because of it.
She needed to move on and I had to help her with that one by moving on from the issues I had.
Her small hand slid down the font of my chest, resting on my abdomen. She wasn't trying to hold me back any more, she was letting me get close to her again. She knew I was sorry and she had forgiven me.
I rested my forehead against hers and stared into her eyes, her sweet chocolate brown eyes. She didn't look back at me. She was thinking. I could tell from the look on her face.
"Bella..?" I tread careful.
Her eyes darted back up at me and I moved back, to asses her features.
"You need to get ready for work." she reminded me, a little sullen.
I didn't want to. I wanted to lay in bed with her all day and explore her like how I had done last night.
But I nodded with a sigh. "I suppose..."
She gave a small amused smile at my words. "Do I get to see you later?" Of course I she did. It went without saying. She would sleep here again. I was only surprised that she wanted to come back to me after my cutting words.
"You better..." I smirked at her before I pecked her lips gently.
I still sat there, straddling her lap. I held my weight in my legs so not to squash her and I have to say, I liked how she fitted below me.
Begrudgingly, I got up off her and dragged my backside into the shower, getting ready for my day ahead.
Getting out, I headed to my bedroom and found Bella laying out across the bed, still only wearing her t shirt and underwear. She was balled up on the middle of the mattress, almost sleeping.
Her tired, hooded eyes looked up at me as I walked up by the side of the bed, heading into my closet. She never spoke, she only watched me.
I pulled my boxers , up and under my towel, so not to shock her as her eyes still stayed focused on my form. I was beginning to feel self conscious with her eyes on me. Had she saw better? Was I being compared? I was relatively happy with myself, it wasn't something I truly thought about. I ran, I occasionally went to the gym but that was it, really.
"You're beautiful." she whispered out to me, but I could still hear her words perfectly.
She thought I was beautiful. Perhaps she needed to get her eyes tested if she thought I was beauty and that she seemed to think of her self so lowly.
It oozed out of her, her own self doubt. Her inability to see her own beauty. You could tell that just by looking at her. But she was the one who was beautiful.
I made my way over to her, lowering myself to her little balled up form and stroked her cheek with the pad of my thumb.
"Do you know how beautiful you are?" I asked.
She smiled softly at my words, almost dream like. But she never actually answered me. She looked tired as she lay there and as much as I had loved every moment of last night, it looked like it had takes it's toll out on, Bella.
She let out a little yawn and I tried to keep my laugh, small. "Maybe an early night for you, tonight." I winked at her and she smiled up at me again.
As painful as it was, I knew she was going to need to get up and go to work. I had to drop her off at home, which I should have already have done.
I kissed her swiftly on the cheek as I stood up to get ready for work, gently ordering her to get ready to leave soon.
All I would be doing for the full day, would be counting down the seconds until I got to see her once again.
a/n: Please review and make my week a little better. Its been a sucky one!!
Sorry this took so long. I work when they need me – they kinda need me a little more right now but I might be quitting a few of my positions as my health isn't looking too good right now. Unless the doc can fix it I'm a little out of sorts, especially when I try to concentrate on writing.