Hi all! So here we are, second to last chapter... I really got to have fun with this, too, since it was originally pretty much all Bella/Jacob. Plus, we knew Bella and Edward were together before the chapter starts which means *gasp* I got to write Edward/Bella dialogue! So very exciting for me :) Hope life is treating everyone GREAT, and y'all enjoy.
Thanks, as always, to shasta53 for your help. You really get me thinking... ;)
Ethics
We left the field in silence, my family stunned that things had gone as smoothly as they did, and Bella shaking at my side. It felt strange to think such a thing, but I was actually quite relieved as I realized that the next time Bella encountered the Volturi, she would be a vampire. I only hoped whatever quirk existed in her mind that shielded her from Aro and Jane's powers, it would still be in effect after her transformation. It seemed likely that she would carry the trait through with her, but I couldn't be sure. We'd never encountered anyone like her, so we really didn't know what to expect.
Bella didn't ask about Jacob during the run home, but as soon as I put her down, she hurried over to my car, her eyes expectant. I knew she was anxious, and wouldn't believe Jacob was okay until she saw for herself. Before I had the chance to say anything, Alice was beside me.
"Charlie's down in La Push," she said. "I was keeping an eye on him earlier, trying to figure out when he would get home so Bella and I wouldn't be too far behind. Then he disappeared, so I knew he'd gone with Billy to check on Jacob."
"Carlisle wants me to go with him. He hasn't asked me yet – he knows I don't want to leave Bella – but I heard it."
"He doesn't trust the wolves?"
"No, he trusts them completely. But if things with Jacob get really rough, if he has to be held down while Carlisle works on him, he doesn't want any of the pack to have to be the ones to do it. They're Jacob's brothers, and he's afraid they'll let emotions get in the way. He'd rather I be there to help him, since he knows I can be pragmatic about it all."
"So, you need me to keep an eye on Bella?"
"Yes. And keep her occupied. I know she won't be happy about not coming with me, but it's necessary. We have to keep up the facade, for Charlie's sake."
"Don't worry. I've got a whole weekend's worth of girly sleepover activities to cram into the next few hours."
"She's never going to let me hear the end of this, you know."
She winked, then flitted over to Bella with an angelic smile. I looked on apologetically as Alice explained the plan to Bella. A dozen emotions played across her face before she started shaking her head wildly.
"No, Jake needs me. I have to go see him. I have to know he's okay."
"I promise you, he's fine. Carlisle is going to take perfect care of him. For now, the best thing you can do is wait for them to finish. When Carlisle's done treating him, and when Charlie is gone, then you can go visit. Please, Bella. You can't let Charlie see you yet."
Reluctantly, she nodded, and walked over to me. "You'll call the second Charlie leaves?"
"Of course. Alice will have you down in minutes. Bella, he's going to be fine."
"I know. I just need to – "
"I know." I tried to strengthen and reassure her with my kiss, but I could feel how distant she was. Nothing was going to be all right for her until this ridiculously long and exhausting day was over – and nothing was going to feel right to me until we were home again, and Bella was in my arms.
The entire drive, Carlisle's mind was focused solely on how to provide the best possible care to a species he knew very little about. Of course Billy would be allowed to stay with Jacob, but Carlise thought it was important for the rest of the pack to remain outside the room. Even if they understood logically that what Carlisle was doing was for Jacob's good, it probably wouldn't be an easy thing to watch, since it was in their nature not to trust us.
"Bella handled things very well today." I turned, surprised Carlisle had spoken out loud. Over the decades, he'd fallen into the habit of speaking to me only in his mind when we were alone. I'd come to expect it, and I found I actually appreciated it. It made my strange gift feel almost normal. Hearing him speak aloud was unsettling, and it made me wonder if he was trying to keep me out of his head.
I listened for a moment, but Carlisle was merely replaying the events of the day. Like so many times before, he had looked at Bella with the eyes of a father, and he was proud of the strength she'd shown. Deciding he'd spoken simply to get my attention, I felt myself relax.
"Yes, she always does. Too well, sometimes.".
"You shouldn't be troubled by her easy acceptance. It just shows she's ready for what lies ahead."
"You know how I feel about her choice."
"Of course." He tried to hide the grin that started to spread across his face, but he was finding it harder to hide his thoughts. Or possibly, he had no intention of hiding them from me in the first place.
It had been no secret to my family that's I'd grown more tolerant as of late, to the knowledge that Bella would soon be one of us. While I could never fully condone it, knowing what I did of our existence, Bella's carefree attitude toward everything in my world was teaching me to relax. There was no denying the relief I felt knowing she wouldn't be nearly as breakable, if and when we found ourselves the target of another sadistic vampire like James or Victoria.
Carlisle seemed to be enjoying himself, throwing image after image at me of my smiling face, every time Bella casually mentioned how different things would be after she was changed. There was no arguing that Bella was ready. More than ready, really. Whether she was joking with Emmett about arm wrestling, or assuring me she wouldn't be waiting on the sidelines during our family's next big battle, every time she spoke of her new life, it was with nothing but confidence. Who was I to stand in her way, when she knew with such certainty what she wanted?
"Carlisle?" He looked over at me, and I found myself wishing he actually needed to pay attention to the road. This question would be easier to ask if he wasn't looking at me.
Edward, you can ask me anything. I smiled as he returned to his normal, silent method of communication with me.
"I know. And I trust you to be completely honest with me. It's just . . ."
What's troubling you? Everything went so well today.
"Everything except for Bella's very broken best friend who we're on our way to fix."
Except that. He paused, turning his eyes back to the road. That's not what this is about though, is it? Jacob's injuries will heal.
"I know."
Are you concerned about Bella's connection to him?
"No. I've accepted that he is a part of her life. I caused that by leaving, and I am going to simply remain grateful that he was able to take care of her when I wasn't."
And soon she'll see for herself that he's going to be all right. She's coming down to La Push as soon as Charlie leaves, isn't she?
Carlisle wasn't usually this far off. He knew me so well. I wasn't sure how to tell him I was worried about something completely unrelated to the events of today.
"Yes. She and Jacob have things to . . . discuss." He quirked an eyebrow at me, but I shook my head and sighed. "That's not what I wanted to ask you about, though. And I feel it would be disrespectful to Bella to discuss the matter any further."
Of course. So . . . ?
"Carlisle, I'm worried about not being strong enough to change her myself. And I've already promised her I would. She's marrying me, giving me everything, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep my word."
The words spilled out, and I immediately felt the relief of having said them aloud. Carlisle and I so rarely got the chance to speak alone anymore, and this was something that had been weighing heavily on my mind since I'd agreed to Bella's request.
Edward, you know I've never had anything but absolute confidence in your ability to keep Bella safe. Even in the very beginning, when you were frightened of yourself above all else. This is no different.
"I wish I was as sure as you. I have no experience with this, so I have no idea what to expect. I can't even go to Alice for reassurance, because she can only see as far as my decisions, and of course I want nothing more than for everything to go smoothly."
Is it only fear that you won't be able to stop that's troubling you, or is there something more?
"I don't know how I'm supposed to sit there and watch her suffer for three days. How can I witness that, knowing there's nothing I can do for her."
Exactly like that. By knowing there's nothing you can do. She's made her choice, and she's prepared for the consequences. In fact, her being so prepared is probably the very thing that will make this tolerable for her. Yes, she will be in pain, but throughout the ordeal, she'll possess the knowledge that the pain is bringing her to the life she desires. None of us had that. None of us knew what was happening to us. Bella will be aware from the very start that the torment has a purpose. I believe, to my very core, that will make a difference.
There was a weighted silence while I tried to make myself believe knowledge could make a difference. It was hard to imagine anything making the fire feel less agonizing, making the seemingly endless time go by more quickly. Still, that hope was all I had, and I needed to believe in it.
"How did you do it? Change me and Esme, and the others."
The entire time you all were suffering, particularly you since you were the first, I hated myself. I felt terribly guilty, as you surely will, but you'll have something I did not. You will know that this is the life Bella wants, and when the pain is over, she will be happy. I couldn't be sure of that, with any of you. The whole time you were suffering, I questioned whether I'd made the right choice – whether saving your lives by damning you to this existence was really kindness. You'll never once have to question that you've given Bella exactly what she wants. That, my son, will give you all the strength you need.
With those words, we pulled into Billy's driveway. We could already hear Jacob's cries of pain. Thankfully, they were human cries rather than howls, so we knew he had phased back. I didn't know how Billy would have kept Charlie in the dark had Jacob still been in his wolf form when they'd returned home.
"Well, speak of the devil," Charlie muttered when we stepped in the room. I assumed he was talking about Carlisle, since I couldn't see any reason they would have been talking about me.
"Thank you so much for coming," Billy said when he saw Carlisle. When he glanced at me, I heard a brief flicker or irritation at my presence, but it passed quickly, outweighed by his deep gratitude that Carlisle had agreed to help. None of the pack were qualified to treat this degree of injury, and obviously he couldn't go to a human doctor.
"Charlie, could you go get me some water please?" Billy asked.
"Yeah, no problem. Sure you don't want something a little stronger?" He tried to smile, but everyone knew there was nothing that was going to make this any easier on Billy. His boy was suffering, and there wasn't anything he could do to make him better.
"No, just the water." Charlie disappeared, and Carlisle spoke quietly.
"I'll do what I can with my limited knowledge. Because of his accelerated healing, I think the best thing I can do for him is work quickly. Is there anything else I'll need to know that can't be spoken in front of Charlie?"
"I know Jake's body temperature will burn off pain killers pretty fast, but I'd sure appreciate anything you could give him that might take the edge off."
"I can take it, guys," Jacob said, his voice barely audible.
Carlisle shook his head and smiled at Billy. "Don't worry, I've got enough morphine to dull the pain significantly."
"Thank you again. You're showing us a great kindness by coming down here."
"No, it was you and your family that showed us a kindness by fighting in a war that was not your own. My own family might not all be with me today if not for your help, and we will always be thankful for that." Billy nodded just as Charlie stepped back into the room.
"Here ya go," he said, handing Billy the water. Carlisle and Billy exchanged glances, silently acknowledging that their time for speaking opening was at an end. Carlisle knelt down next to Jacob and placed a cool hand on his forehead.
"I'm getting you started on some morphine," he said, placing an IV as he spoke. Jacob grunted in reply. "Your father and Charlie are going to stay with you. Don't worry, you're going to be fine."
"`f you say so," he muttered, cringing as he spoke.
"I'm going to try to assess the extent of your injuries. I'll be as gentle as possible, but I need to work quickly. I want to get your bones set right away."
Jacob gave one faint nod, then clenched his eyes shut against the pain he knew was coming. Carlisle was careful, and I was sure his cold skin helped dull the pain at least slightly, but it was clear Jacob was miserable. Carlisle was feeling down the side of his body, his eyes pulling together as he tried to figure out which bones had already set themselves wrong, and would need to be re-broken. When he'd finished, Jacob forced his eyes open.
"What's the news, doc?" he asked, managing a half-smile.
"This will be . . . unpleasant. But you will suffer no permanent damage. There are several places that I'll need to re-break before I can place the splints."
I heard Charlie's mind start to race, wondering why such a thing was necessary. I shot Carlisle a warning glance.
"Some of your breaks aren't as clean as I'd like to see, and they'll heal faster if you allow me to do this."
"Whatever you gotta do."
"Is it all right if Edward assists me? I'll need you to stay very still, and he can help keep you in the right position. It will minimize the pain."
"I doubt that," he grumbled, but he reluctantly agreed.
Carlisle nodded, then turned to Billy and Charlie. "You don't have to watch this." No one said a word, but we all knew. Billy would stay at Jacob's side because that's what fathers did, and Charlie would stay at Billy's side because that's what best friends did. Considering the mix of species in the room, it was a very human moment.
I watched the pain on Carlisle's face as he did what needed to be done. Jacob cried out in agony, and I was glad, then, that Bella hadn't accompanied us. Aside from the string of profanities that cascaded from his mouth, I couldn't stand the thought of Bella seeing him suffer like that. Even I was finding it difficult to watch. I listened as his every thought screamed out in protest, but beneath it all, I could also hear that he understood it was all for his own good.
Several times, I saw Charlie cringe beside Billy, and he asked if it would be better to take Jacob to a hospital.
"No," Billy said too quickly. "I mean, I really think it's best we keep him at home, if possible. Once everything's set, I don't want to have to move him. Besides, he'll sleep better here."
"Billy's right," Carlisle agreed calmly. Charlie crossed his arms and muttered something under his breath, but dropped the subject.
Thankfully, it wasn't long before the combination of pain, exertion, and morphine rendered Jacob unconscious. As soon as Carlisle felt his body go limp, he quickly finished breaking and setting the bones. When it was all over, I felt my posture relax and I breathed a sigh of relief. Whatever animosity I might feel toward Jacob, no one should have to go through that, and it was all because he had been looking out for a fellow pack member.
"He's sleeping very soundly, which will help aid the heeling process. Try to remind him to move as little as possible when he wakes us," Carlisle said, putting his hand on Billy's shoulder. I was stunned when Billy reached up and patted it twice.
"Thank you, for everything. I don't know what we would've done without you."
"I'm happy to help."
"Charlie," Billy said, turning to him. "I appreciate you staying here with us during all this, but I think I need some time with my boy now."
"Of course. You call me if anything changes, okay?"
Edward, you should call Alice and tell her to bring Bella right down. I'm sure Charlie will be expecting her home soon.
I left the room silently, though none of the attention was on me anyway. I wondered if Charlie even remembered I was there. He'd been so focused on Jacob, and how Billy was handling everything. He watched Jacob like it was his own child suffering, and I was reminded again of the depths of his friendship with Billy. It was good that he had someone he was so close to, since his daughter was about to disappear from his life. I felt a wave of guilt at the thought of taking her from him, but I forced myself to remember it wasn't my choice to make. As Carlisle had said earlier, all I was doing with giving Bella the life she wanted.
The phone rang once, and Alice answered with a grumble. "We'll be down right away. Honestly, I hope she's not this fidgety once she's a vampire. She'll break everything in the house."
I rolled my eyes as the line went dead, and started counting the seconds until Bella arrived. I was pacing, waiting for Charlie to leave, and when Alice pulled up less than five minutes later, I motioned for her to park the car behind the house. Worry was written all over Bella's face as she stepped out of the car. Her arms were folded over her chest as she anxiously waited to be allowed to enter.
"Charlie's gathering his things now," I said, listening on the chatter coming from inside the house. "Now that he's sure Billy is okay, he's focused on being there when you get home. He knows you're going to be upset."
"How's Jake?"
"He's okay. It was difficult, but he's already healing quickly. Carlisle gave him a great deal of morphine, and he was asleep for most of the process. He's still unconscious, so he won't be able to tell you himself, but I assure you, he'll be back to normal very soon."
She nodded, but I could tell she wasn't going to believe it until she saw with her own eyes. The moment Charlie left, Bella sprinted to the front door, nearly tripping along the way. I held her hand, determined not to let her injure herself in her haste, but it wasn't until I felt her grip tighten around my hand that I realized she was shaking. She didn't let go of me as we made our way through the house. I was surprised to find that not a single member of the pack had one ill thought toward me. They were all grateful for Carlisle's help in mending their injured brother, and, at least for the time, that appeared to grant me some level of immunity from their natural hatred.
Billy and Carlisle were talking quietly in the living room. When Billy met Bella's gaze, she smiled sympathetically and he nodded, motioning her toward Jacob's room. "Thank you," she said, followed by a nearly silent, "I'm so sorry."
When Bella opened the door, her breath caught. Jacob was being held together by countless bandages and splints, and there was a sheen of sweat covering his face. His breathing was shallow but steady, and tears filled Bella's eyes as she walked slowly toward him. She still didn't let go of my hand, and I wondered, had Jacob been awake, if she still would have been holding it. I knew how much she tormented herself over hurting him – over hurting either of us.
"You're sure he's okay?" she asked weakly.
"I assure you, his injuries appear far worse than they actually are. Carlisle is confident he'll be as good as new in weeks, if not days. Remember how quickly he heals."
"This is my fault." I started to shake my head, but she stopped me. "It is. All of it is. The newborns, the fight, the injuries."
"You have to stop thinking like that."
"He's hurt because of me." In that moment, I could see it on her face. I felt foolish for not understanding sooner. Her concern for Jacob went far beyond his injuries. She was worried about devastating him with the news that what they'd shared on the mountain didn't change anything. She was still going to marry me. She was still going to join my family.
She was still going to let herself be turned into something he hated.
I had to stop myself from asking her again if she was certain she wanted this life with me. I knew what her answer would be, and I knew it would only upset her to have to say the words again, especially in Jacob's presence. She'd made her choice. Now, she was simply trying to reconcile the consequences of it.
"Edward, do you think I'm a terrible person?"
"No, I think you're the most wonderful person I've ever encountered."
"Would you still think that, though, if I'd led you on all this time, only to choose someone else over you?"
"If you had decided you wanted to spend your life with Jacob, that wouldn't have made me love you any less."
She took a deep breath in, and I could tell she was trying not to let her tears spill over. She took several tentative steps toward Jacob, pulling me along beside her.
"I'm sorry, Jake. I've made a mess out of everything." She placed the hand that was not holding mine on his cheek, and his breathing sped up for a few seconds. I focused on his mind, trying to figure out if he knew she was there. His thoughts were scattered – quick, incoherent streams of consciousness that indicated he was dreaming.
Every thought was of Bella. He was replaying their kiss and Bella's reaction, he was imagining what I had said when she told me what happened between them. He was conflicted; part of him hoping I was furious, and another hoping I wouldn't be too hard on her. He really did love her, there was no denying that.
Feeling more of an intruder than normal, listening in on his dreams, I tried to block him out and listen for Alice. Since she'd had no desire to be in a house of werewolves, she was waiting outside, and I could hear her growing more anxious by the second. What started as quiet reminders that time was running short, quickly escalated until she was nearly shouting at me to make Bella hurry up. I just couldn't bring myself to make her leave, though, as I watched the concern on her face. Finally, my cell phone rang.
"Just give her a few more minutes, Alice," I whispered.
"She doesn't have a few minutes. She wanted to see that he was okay, and now she's seen him."
"I listened to Charlie on his way out. I couldn't get a clear read, but I could tell he wasn't going straight home. He's stopping by the police station to check on something first."
"Perfect. That gives me enough time to make Bella presentable."
I glanced down at Bella, who was still staring miserably at Jacob, and realized for the first time that she was in no condition to return home. Her hair was a mess, her clothes were filthy and tattered. She was supposed to be returning home from a shopping trip and an evening with Alice, not a weekend in the woods. She would need, at the very least, a shower and new clothes.
"Bella," I whispered, closing the phone. "I'm sorry, we're going to need to leave soon."
"But I just got here."
"I know. Your father will be home very soon, though, and you need to get cleaned up first."
She didn't take her eyes off of Jacob as one hand reached up idly to run through her disheveled hair. "Oh," she breathed.
"You can come back down after you talk to Charlie. I'm sure he'll be expecting nothing less. Just check in for a few minutes, maybe get something to eat. You must be starving. I'm sorry I haven't been taking care of you as well as I should."
She laughed once, an almost hysteric sound, and turned to me with the oddest expression. "You haven't been taking care of me?" she repeated. "What exactly do you think you were doing the last two days?"
"You know what I mean."
"Don't worry. Pretty soon I'll be out catching mountain lions with you. You won't have to worry about my silly human needs anymore."
She turned back to Jacob, her eyes not nearly as bright as they usually were when she talked about her new life. I squeezed her hand lightly.
"He'll hate me forever after this." Her voice broke and I watched as tears filled her eyes again.
"He won't hate you . . . he'll hate what you are. It's in his nature."
"That doesn't make it any easier."
"Well, perhaps it won't always be like this. After all, we fought beside the wolves today against a common enemy. That's something I never could have imagined happening. Maybe someday we'll find ourselves allies once more."
She turned to me, the tears running down her cheeks now, and shook her head. "I know what you're trying to do, and I love you so much for it. But you know it's not true. Everything will be different as soon as you change me. You'll break the treaty. What hope do we have of standing beside the wolves peacefully after that?"
I didn't know whether it was the absolute truth of her words, or the way she was speaking as if she were already one of us, but I felt a swell of emotion. My breath caught, and I knew there was nothing left to say. Somehow, the finality of the moment was enough to convince Bella it was time to leave. She looked at me with another pained expression.
"Will you stay here with him until he wakes up"
I didn't understand her request, but I also didn't see any reason not to grant it to her. "If that's what you'd like."
"I'm sorry, I know it's a ridiculous thing to ask, but Alice can't see him and I don't want to trouble Carlisle. He's already done so much for him. I just need to know that if anything changes, you'll let me know."
"Of course."
She dropped my hand for the first time since we'd arrived, and closed the small space between her and Jacob. She kissed his forehead, and closed her eyes as she whispered yet another apology for things that were not her fault. To my great relief, when she faced me again, her expression was more peaceful. She left without another word, and I waited. I knew Carlisle would be coming in soon to see why I wasn't with Bella.
I heard his quiet footsteps behind me not a minute later. You're not going with her?
"Alice is going to take her home and help her get ready. She'll be back down as soon as she's talked to Charlie."
I wanted to say more, but I wasn't sure how. I didn't know how to make Carlisle comprehend how, after so many of my stubborn refusals to leave Bella's side, after all we'd just been through, I was now choosing to stay in a house full of enemies, rather then be with my fiancee.
Not ready to look at Carlisle, I kept my stare fixed on Jacob – who loved my Bella with all his heart, who hated me and my family for taking her away from him and the life they could have had together. I felt Carlisle's hand on my shoulder as he struggled to understand.
Edward, why are you here?
"She asked me to stay."
I didn't see his smile, but I could hear it in my thoughts.
It's always a pleasant surprise for me when I learn something new about the nature of love.
I laughed under my breath at the thought of teaching Carlisle anything.
Would you like me to stay? he asked.
"If you'd like. I'm guessing the atmosphere is a little tense out there."
Not particularly. The wolves are grateful for our assistance, which seems to have momentarily outweighed their disdain for us. Besides, Billy's made it clear that if any of them are anything but kind toward me, they are no longer welcome in his house.
"That's pretty remarkable."
Fear and gratitude do strange things to people. But you've already figured that out, haven't you?
I laughed again. Carlisle knew me so well. "I'd like to think that I'd be tolerant of Jacob, even if I didn't feel indebted to him. Bella cares about him. I'm not going to keep him out of her life."
All that will be over soon, though, won't it? I can't imagine he'll want anything to do with her after she's changed.
"Of course." He heard the sadness in my voice, and obviously it wasn't because I was sorry to be rid of Jacob Black. Just because I was tolerant, didn't mean I wasn't anxiously awaiting the day he would be out of our lives.
Bella's prepared for this, you know. She's chosen you, completely and without fear. She's aware of all the things she'll be giving up.
"Being aware she's going to lose loved ones, and actually feeling that loss are two very different things."
Give it time. You know how quickly human memories fade.
"But is it wrong of me to try to shield her from further pain?"
Of course not. As long as you understand that you won't be able to completely. There are things – people – she will miss. But she will have you, and our family. Soon, Jacob will be a distant human memory, one that will fade along with so many others. When you realize that, I believe you'll truly be ready to welcome Bella to this life of ours, and that you'll find the strength you need to bring her into it yourself.
Without another word, Carlisle left me to my thoughts. Faintly, I could hear him talking with Billy again, but I didn't bother trying to listen to what they were saying. My mind was elsewhere – on Bella, on what she was prepared to give up for me, and on how best to prepare for the monumental task that was before me.