DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am. PLEASE NOTE that there is NO slash in this fic as of yet. There might be some in later chapters, but I am not sure. I am just concentrating on making you laugh rather than a funny story.

NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. Thank you to all my fabulous readers that are egging me on. A THANKS GOES TO LOLWTFROFL FOR THE BARBIE GIRL IDEA.

Chapter 11 – What Becomes of the Stupid?

December turned into January and Voldemort spun around and pretended to be Wonder Woman.

"Why is it that when I spin around I do not get the red, white, and blue costume that the woman was wearing?" he complained. "I am sure that I did it right."

"Are you stupid?" asked Albus. "You did it left. That is why it isn't working, you retard. You are supposed to spin the other way."

"Shut up you old, decrepit, ancient, outdated, antique, archaic excuse for a wizard," snapped Voldemort. "I know what I am doing. You don't know anything. You are just stupid and I am going to crush your head."

With that, Voldemort squinted between his thumb and forefinger and proceeded to crush Dumbledore's head.

"Whoa," said Dumbledore. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the thesaurus this morning. What in the hell has your panties in a knot?"

"Lockhart," said Voldemort. "I caught the pervert in my underwear drawer. When I asked him what he was doing, he stated that he wanted to use my lime green lace panties. When I looked, he had all of my panties tied in knots."

"Doesn't he have a pair of his own in that color?" asked Dumbledore. "Why would he need yours?"

"Yes, he does," said Voldemort. "However, he told me that he needed a second pair to put on his head as he wanted to go in disguise for something he was doing in the castle."

"How would a pair of panties on his head constitute as a disguise?" asked Albus confused, but calculating.

"When I asked, he told me that it was to keep his face a secret," was the reply. "He said that if no one could see his face, then he could get away with the prank he was pulling."

"Did it work?" asked Dumbledore.

"No," said Voldemort. "Satan caught him. Apparently he only put the panties on his head and forgot to put clothes on the rest of his body. Therefore, she had to teach him a lesson about walking around in the nude. Plus he couldn't see where he was going and ended up banging into doors and finally ended up in the Transfiguration classroom where the fat ass old besom started screaming at him. Apparently he is grounded and he is not allowed to host a tea party for us again for a week. What an idiot he is. I really wanted to be Snow Pink this time. He mentioned he was going to be Cinderfella or something like that. You were supposed to be Sleeping Booty."

"Did you get your panties back?" asked Dumbledore. "I don't want to be Sleeping Booty. I wanted to be Bulla and the Beat."

"Please don't ask where they ended up," said Voldemort walking away a little stiffly. "Suffice to say, I was told to keep a better security on my possessions, especially my underwear."

"Well," said Dumbledore. "I have things to do. I wonder if Gilderoy would be willing to come to my party this afternoon as he can't host any of his own. I have to set things up."

With that, Dumbledore walked off humming a new song.

Meanwhile, Harry and his friends were busy discussing the potion that Severus had them brew.

"It was very easy to make that one," said Harry. "I am glad that Uncle Sev let us try it. I am amazed at how well I am doing. He says that I am at least a year if not more ahead of my classmates. I will be starting on fifth year potions next year. I can't wait."

"Did you see what happened to Draco?" asked Hermione with a grin. "That stupid dumb fuck never learns. I can't believe that he is still alive after all the shit that happens to him all the time. He just never gives up. It is like he has this compulsion to keep on getting hurt. Maybe he is into S&M. I know Weasley is. They were caught flogging each other the other day."

"I missed the last episode of Death to Draco," said Harry. "What happened this time?"

"He was busy tormenting Neville," explained Hermione. "While he was doing that, he wasn't paying attention to his own potion and what he was adding and ended up making a lust potion instead of a blood replenishing potion."

"That is a very far cry from what we were supposed to be making," stated Harry. "What ended up happening?"

"Professor Snape made him drink the potion anyway," said Hermione with a grin. "Draco turned to look at Ron Weasley and the two of them have been running around the castle since."

"How did Draco drinking the potion affect Weasley?" asked a confused Harry. "That doesn't make any sense to me."

"Draco is now in love with Ron Weasley," explained Hermione. "He wants to marry Ronald. It was a big mess as Odliesnacks started screaming something about Draco cheating on him and Dumbledore screaming at Ronald for the same reason. It got really confusing for a few minutes, but I am sure that the author of this story knows what he was picturing in his mind."

"It sounds to me like Dumbledore has the yearnings for Ronald Weasley, and Oldfarts has the yearnings for Draco," said Harry. "Then again, Dumbledore has the yearnings for everyone. So that is not all that surprising I guess. If you think about it that makes the most sense with this situation."

"Let's go down to lunch and see what is on the menu for today," suggested Blaise. "There might actually be something good today. Ever since Dumbledore has been adjusting the sewage pipes to leak into the kitchen, the elves are more determined to kill him rather than cook anything good."

The trio of students left the dungeons and headed to the Great Hall. As they were passing classroom thirteen, Albus appeared in the doorway.

"Go away midgets," he snapped. "I am about to have one of my parties and you are not invited. I would not mind if you could let me borrow your underwear though. It seems that with Gilderoy grounded and Voldiesnots unable to use his that we are short of some underwear to use."

"Uh," said Harry. "We are just passing by and you can't have your party in the middle of the hallway. Students need to pass to get to lunch. For the record, I am not a midget and I take offense to you calling me that."

"Miss Granger," said Dumbledore winking at her. "Would you like to come in and have something to eat? I made a special snack for me and Doldymort and Gilderfraud."

"No thank you," she said. "I am heading down eat in the Great Hall. What is that you are sniffing?"

"Glue man," said Dumbledore in a hippy voice. "Did you know that you can get really high on this shit? It makes your head spin around."

Harry and Hermione stood there in amazement as Dumbledore's head spun around like a top on his shoulders. When it stopped spinning Dumbledore preceded to stat blowing raspberries for no reason what so ever.

"I think we better tell someone about this," whispered Harry. "From what I can see, that is a large bottle of paste and some of it is on the plates."

"If you build it they will come," intoned Dumbledore.

At that moment, Voldemort came in and proceeded to sit at the table. He stated shoveling gobs of the paste in his mouth at one serving. Lockhart came in a few minutes later and the two of them started to fight over who got the red plate and who got the yellow one. Harry and Hermione were so shocked by the spectacle that they were unable to move. Dumbledore proceeded to give a strip tease to the other two men while encouraging them to wrestle in the pool of chocolate that was in the room. All three of them soon ignored the preteens in the hallway and started to have their interpretation of what ever it was they were doing.

Severus passed the hall and noticed that Harry and Hermione were standing there looking at something that had their total interest. Blaise had already run to the loo and was busy puking his guts up. Severus wandered over to them and glanced over their shoulders at what they were watching. His eyes grew large as he watched Dumbledore and Voldemort trying to sniff from the same glue stick while pinching each other on the ass. Lockhart was giggling while shoveling the glue into his mouth at a fast pace.

"This can't be happening," said Severus. "I can not believe that these three are at it again. Come with me Harry and Hermione. We need to go and get Minerva. She has to come and deal with this mess before any students get wild ideas. You should also see Madam Pomfrey for an Obliviate Potion."

When Minerva found out what was going on, she raced to the corridor and into the room. All three wizards were buck naked. All of them were flying high as a kite while singing lurid songs about this, that, or the other. Before she could stop them, they ran to the Great Hall. From there, they started singing Barbie Girl by Aqua. The students at first didn't know what to make of the scene. After a couple of moments, pandemonium broke out as no less that three hundred students raced out of the castle and threw themselves into the lake. Those students that didn't were busy tying sheets together to make nooses in which to hang themselves from the ceiling in the Great hall in protest. Only Harry and Hermione were unfazed by the scene. Both were wondering how and why the students had sheets in the Great Hall in the first place.

"Lady Hogwarts," said Harry with a sigh. "Can you do something about this? They have just ruined lunch. Now we have to rescue the students and prevent them from committing suicide. This is not funny anymore. Someone is seriously going to get hurt."

"Hey fat ass," called Dumbledore pointing at Minerva. "Why don't you take your clothes off and dance naked? Do you want to play poke the pee-pee? How about hide the hotdog? If that doesn't float your boat, we can always play chose the chicken."

Minerva just stood there. She was so affected by what she was seeing and hearing that she could not respond one way or the other. When the trio finished singing Barbie Girl to lurid gestures, they decided to do the YMCA by the Village People. Dumbledore decided he was going to be the Indian while Lockhart went as the leather man. Voldemort decided that he was going to be the cowboy. Ordinarily this would not be a problem. However, Dumbledore was not dressed anatomically correct. Instead of placing the head dress on his head, he inserted it into his ass. He looked more like a very sick turkey than an Indian. Harry started to bang his head on the table in disgust.

"Now Harry," said Hermione. "I though we cured you of that bad habit. It is not healthy for you to keep slamming your head into the table. We have already explained to you that either your head or the table will eventually break."

"How is it that you are not affected by this?" asked Harry again. "You should want to join our classmates by now in committing some form of suicide."

"The author has decided that I should be the hard ass of the group," she replied. "While you are the one being affected, I am the groupie that is able to endure it all. It is giving him some sort of sick twisted vibe to have me acting normal under these circumcisions."

"Circumcisions?" asked Harry looking at her. "Don't you mean circumstances?"

"NO," said Hermione pointing to Dumbledore and Voldemort. "I mean circumcision. The two of them have Lockhart and they are trying to circumcise him. They are so stupid."

"You are telling me," said Harry. "We know that he is already circumcised. It is hard to not notice that when you are presented with him running around nude all the time. I stress once more that I will be glad when this year is over with so that we can get him out of the castle. We have our hands full enough with two retarded old wizards in the castle."

"Who are you calling old?" asked Dumbledore. "I resemble that remark you midget."

"Um professor Dumbledore," said Hermione. "You are about one hundred and fifty years old. So that does make you a wrinkled old douche bag. Prunes and raisins have fewer wrinkles than you do. Might I suggest that you put some clothes on? You are fixing to have a problem that you will want to deal with soon."

"What would that be Miss Granger?" snapped Albus. "As you can see, I am as fit as a fifteen year old. Fifty million points from Gryffindor for that stupid remark."

"Your um, well," she stammered. "Your private parts are now running out of the door. I think you had better go and see about catching them if you are to continue to be an old man. It would appear that Wouldiemart has hexed them off."

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO CALL ME BY MY CORRECT NAME?" screamed the Dark Lord. "I NEVER GET ANY RESPECT AROUND HERE."

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP SCREAMING LIKE A WOMAN IN LABOR," yelled Hermione in retaliation. "YOU ARE WORSE THAN A WOMEN IN THE LAST MOMENTS OF CHILDBIRTH."

Tom decided that he was going to teach her a lesson. He walked over and wrapped his hands around her neck. The problem was that his arms had flipped upside down and instead of choking Hermione, he was chocking himself. Harry sat there with a grin on his face as he pocketed his wand.

"That ought to keep both Dumbledore and Voldemort busy for awhile," said Harry.

"Four hundred points to you Harry for that perfect transfiguration spell," said Minerva. "That ought to keep two of these bumbling fools busy for awhile. Where did Lockhart disappear to?"

"He is heading to the girls loo," said Hannah pointing down the hall.

"What for?" asked Minerva rushing around the corner.

"He said something about blowing up the toilets so that no one can use the loo," she replied. "You might want to speak to him. His newest hobby is being an axe murderer."

"Not another hobby," sighed Minerva. "I swear by the end of this year, I will have more white hair on my head than anything."

"I can always shave your head for you," said Dumbledore while chasing his penis down the hall. "That way you won't have to worry about what color it is."

Minerva didn't even bother to reply. She just resigned herself that the school was a madhouse and she was the one in charge of making sure that no one got seriously hurt. Thank goodness she could count on Harry Potter and the nameless yet still important other professors of the school.

Later that afternoon, Harry and Minerva were walking down the hall when they could hear Hermione going off on someone. When they approached the situation, they spotted Albus and Voldemort leaning up against the wall in fright as Hermione was letting loose with everything she had.

"What do you mean you are JR Ewing?" she screamed. "You are seriously going to get the author in trouble for copy right infringement. Don't you care that you are causing trouble? I mean seriously, you two are the worst sort of Professors that I have ever had the misfortune of meeting."

"You just hate me because I am beautiful," said Dumbledore. "You should really learn to control that temper of yours Satan's daughter. I was going to ask you to be Debra Fisher and play the part of Wonder Girl."

"You asshole," screamed Hermione. "Now you are stealing the line from Kelly LeBrock. For the record you retarded old shit, Debra Winger was Wonder Girl. If you are going to cause copyright infringement, at least know who you are talking about."

"Listen here Miss Smarty britches," said Dumbledore. "My name is JR Ewing and I am a star on Dynasty. Now go away before I drop a house on you or something."

"Do you think we can have her hit by the train?" asked Voldemort. "It would get one less annoying female out of the castle that is determined to undermine our deviously stupid plan."

"Miss Granger why are you screaming at these morons?" asked Minerva. "You do realize that you are facing unarmed opponents do you not?"

"They are going to end up getting us sued," shrilled Hermione. "For the record you prehistoric fossil fuel, JR Ewing played on Dallas. He did NOT play on Dynasty."

"Who are you calling a fossil fuel?" asked Voldemort indignantly. "There is no fuel here you stupid little girl."

"Oh yeah," sneered Hermione. "Then what do you call that black oily stuff that is leaking out of your ass? It sure isn't bleach."

"What are you talking about?" snapped Voldemort. "I don't feel anything leaking out of my ass. I think you are just losing your sense of know it all importance."

Harry, Hermione and Minerva all pointed to the fluid that was leaking out from behind Albus and Voldemort. The two older crackpots looked down and nodded in understanding.

"You win this round smarty drawers," said Dumbledore. "We will get you next time. I may even hex you with the Herpes spell. Yeah, I think I like that idea. If we can't get her with herpes maybe we can get her with a stool softener spell."

Dumbledore and Voldemort walked away still discussing different spells they could use on Hermione.

"Look," said Lockhart coming up. "I am Elizabeth Montgomery from the Wonder Woman series. Do you see my Golden Lasso?"

"THAT DID IT," screamed Hermione and proceeded to beat the living hell out of all three older wizards. ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY DID NOT PLAY WONDER WOMAN SHE PLAYED SMAANTHA ON BEWITCHED. THAT WAS LYNDA CARTER THAT PLAYED WONDER WOMAN. YOUR GOLDEN LASSON IS JUST YOUR PENIS PAINTED GOLD AND WE ARE TIRED OF SEEING IT. IT IS SMALLER THAN A BABY'S ANYWAY. YOU SHOULD NOT BE PROUD OF SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T HAVE. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PENIS AND MINE IS BIGGER THAN YOURS."

"Is she on her period?" asked Voldemort through a busted mouth. "I swear the women in this castle have no sense of humor. Well I am going to go be Diana Ross. She sang the song Beat It."

Hermione growled at the stupid mistake, but Harry and Minerva held her back.

"Don't worry Hermione," said Minerva. "He will be punished. However, you should know that it might be an honest mistake. Michael Jackson does look an awful lot like her. I better quit before we get sued by the Jackson family."

"Why would they sue us?" Harry asked. "You are just telling the truth. Even Diana Ross says so."

"You guys had better quit," me as the author says. "You will get me into big trouble with someone. I am not sure who yet, but I can see some serious trouble brewing."

All three characters flipped me off and continued with their conversation like I never even existed. What a bunch of bitches. Maybe I should just replace their characters with people from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

"Harry where is your lawyer?" Hermione asked. "I think someone should sue him for not doing his job."

"Lawsuit," said Harry in a tired voice and watched as the lawyer threw himself on the floor. He watched as the lawyer picked himself up and then threw him self a second time.

"What was all of that for?" asked Hermione.

"The first time was to show me that he was suing himself for me," replied Harry. "The second time was to show me that he lost his case against me."

"Oh goody," said Hermione. "Can you give me some money? I need to wash my hair."

"Sure," said Harry. "Come on. We can get you all kinds of shampoo. Did you know that is what I got for Uncle Severus for Christmas? He was so happy that it took him three days to come out of the shower."

Minerva watched in awe as the lawyer picked himself of the floor. He handed Minerva the documents for Harry and then left the castle. By this time the terrible trio had left the room to cause mischief somewhere else in the castle. Minerva sighed and went back to her class and pretended that none of this was happening. Later, Harry noticed that she was opening a bottle of pills and popping a few.

"What are those?" he asked. "I didn't know that you were taking muggle medicine."

"They are nerve pills," she replied. "How do you think I can stay as calm as I do during all of this? I drug myself to the teeth just to be able to stand it."

"That explains a lot," said Harry patting her fondly on the arm. "Well don't let me stop you. If it keeps you in the castle and something close to sane, then that is all that matters to us. Hermione, Cedric, Neville, Blaise, Luna, and I all love you. I have to go for now. Potions are next and I don't want to miss another episode of Death to Draco. It is becoming the number one slot of daytime television these days."

"Oh I know," said Minerva. "I TiVo the program every afternoon so that I can watch in the evenings while I am grading papers. Good luck in Severus' class."

With that Harry and Blaise left and headed down to the dungeons. When they got there, the war had already started. Hermione was egging on a cauldron, Bunsen burner, three stirrers, and a bottle of poison. Each item was taking their turn pretending that Draco was the patient and they were the doctor. A set of ninja sumo wrestlers was keeping Severus back from rescuing Draco to soon. Harry looked around in disgust and sat at his table.

"I knew that I was going to miss something good," he grumbled to Hermione.

"Oh don't worry Harry," she said brightly. "The TV station is sending you an autographed copy of this episode. Apparently Draco flicked something from his nose at Neville and Neville took offense. It was pretty disgusting. I am not even sure what color to call the stuff that came out of Draco's nose. However, I would assume with as many times as his head gets dunked into something that it was bound to cause his mucus to turn colors."

"How do you know all of this?" asked Harry. "Also, how did you get to the dungeons so fast?"

"Because the author stated that I have to be a bossy know it all," replied Hermione. "As for me being here so fast, it is the only way that I have chapter time. So I get here first so that I can be a commentator. Do you think that I should sue the writer for not giving me my own spots here in this story?"

"No," said Harry. "That will just cause him to turn you into a bad guy and you could get hurt. It is best to just stay in the position that you are in and let bygones be bygones. Just be lucky that you are getting space. I am the star of this fic and I get fewer spotlights than the terrible trio and Draco."

"Good thinking," said Hermione flipping me off. "Shall we begin our potion? The instructions are on the board. Like we didn't already know that. What kind of moron doesn't even teach the class?"

"Careful Hermione," warned Harry. "It took forever to get Uncle Sev to be nice. We don't want him reverting. Then the author will start picking on him again. As far as our question, I have two names for teachers that don't teach. They are Quirrell and Lockhart. I guess if you want to get technical, Dumbedork and mouldysnot are not that great of professors either."

"HEY," said Voldemort. "I am not even getting a capitalized name anymore. This is seriously getting out of hand. I get no respect."

"HEY YOU LOT!" yelled Hermione at Draco and his problem. "CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN? SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO TALK DURING CLASS AND WE CAN'T HEAR OURSELVES. IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU COULD CAUSE PROBLEMS QUIETER DRACO MALFOY."

"Shut up mudblood," screamed Draco in pain as the cauldron lifted off the table and started hitting him in the head. "I have more concerns than being quiet at this moment. In case you haven't noticed, the three stirrers are missing and the cauldron is trying to bludgeon me to death."

"Well it is your own fault," said Hermione. "If you weren't such a spotlight hog, then these things wouldn't be happening to you. Now pipe down before I get a pipe and teach you a lesson."

"HAHAHAHA," said Voldemort. "She told you. She is the big shit these days around the castle. I think she is having a lesbian relationship with Potter's satanic Aunt."

Hermione threw a bottle labeled "Essence of Dumbledore's Farts" and threw it at Voldemort. It shattered and encased the stupid wizard in the obnoxious smell.

"WAS THAT REALLY NECESSARY MISS GRANGER?" thundered Severus. "You have just caused half the class to pass out from the smell. Who in their right mind would bottle something that atrocious in the first place? YOU ARE SERIOSULY A TWISTED LITTLE GIRL."

"MISS THANG," yelled Hermione back. "DONNA COP A TUDE WITH ME. I WILL BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU IF YOU DO."

"Hermione," said Harry. "When did you learn to talk street?"

"Yesterday," she answered. "I think it makes a difference. Didn't you notice that he backed down?"

"I think it has to do with Aunt Petunia in the doorway," said Harry pointing. "She is busy yelling at everyone. While you were yelling at Uncle Sev, she grabbed Voldemort and gave him a beating. The street slang did no good. You should really not use it anymore."

"Damn," muttered Hermione. "I spent weeks trying to translate it. Oh well. Maybe we can learn another language."

Later that day, a scene was happening in the hallway near the Charms class. Voldemort was toe to toe with Minerva.

"Wai Yu Mun Ching," asked Voldemort.

"What did you just say to me?" asked Minerva. "If it was something bad I am going to beat you to a bloody pulp.

"I think that was Chinese," said Hermione speaking up. "If I translated it correctly he said 'I thought you were on a diet."

"Don't be stupid Hermione," said Harry trying to avoid another fight. "It was 'What you munching'."

"Oh I know," said Hermione. "I just wanted her to beat the hell out of him again. I get my rocks off when she does that."

"You do realize that you are seriously disturbed," he replied. "I think watching all of these scenes have knocked a few screws loose in your head."

"You are probably right," admitted Hermione. "However I am still a top grade student and I am still having fun. So what's your point?"

"I guess I didn't really have one," said Harry. "Have you noticed that the rest of the Weasley family has not gotten any publicity yet in this story?"

"That is because Ginny is trapped in the Chamber of Secrets," said Hermione. "Apparently she is the Madam of a whore house and she is down there. Really Harry. You should pay better attention to your surroundings. Fred and George are her pimps. They bring her and the other girls business."

"Aren't they kind of young to be whores?" asked Harry. "She is only eleven."

"They don't have sex you pedophile," said Hermione. "Good Golly! Will you give this story a better rating? They play Parcheesi, monopoly, scrabble, and patty cake down there."

"So how does that make her a whore?" asked Harry rubbing his head as he felt a head ache coming on.

"That is simple," said Hermione with a smile. "She is a Lily Potter want to be and the author of this story hates her, Bella Swan and Jessica Stanley."

"Who are Bella Swan and Jessica Stanley?" asked Harry really rubbing his head. "Wait! Don't answer that question. I really don't want to know. I need a headache relief potion. This fic is giving me a head ache."

"That is because you are always so busy banging your head on hard surfaces," said Luna. "We warned you about that. Did you know that grass is green?"

"Yes Luna I knew that," mumbled harry. "I think Voldietarts has a game of Red Rover going. He wants you on the opposing team. You might want to hurry before you are late."

"Good thinking Harry," she chirped happily. "I love that game, especially when my team wins. We get a bonus when we win."

"I am going to regret this," said Harry. "What do you get when you win?"

"We get to raid Voldiefloor's underwear drawer and take what we want," she replied. "I got a pair of neon yellow lace panties the last time we played."

By now Harry had such a bad headache that he was sure he was going to pass out. Madam Pomfrey came along with her cart of potions and handed one to Harry. He downed it gratefully and handed her the empty vial back.

"Aunt Poppy," said Harry. "Why are you rolling a cart of potions around the school?"

"Harry," she replied. "For such an intelligent person, that was the stupidest question ever asked. I do this because Dumblefloor, Oldieflops, and Lockedup are always up to something. Half of the potions are Obliviate Potions. Others vials are pain relievers, Head Ache Potions, and Stomach Soothers. I even have acid in some of these for people to pour onto their brains to forget permanently what they witnessed. Now, if you don't have any more questions, Dopeysnarks and Lockfart are putting on a puppet show in the Divination Tower. They are using Dumbledore as a puppet. You really don't want to know where they shoved the sticks."

"This year is dragging by," said Harry. "Hermione, who are you taking to the Valentines Day ball?"

"I am going with a stag," she replied offhandedly.

"Don't you mean you are going stag?" he asked confused.

"No," she said. "I am going with a stag. Why would I want to go alone? That would make me a loser wouldn't it? Who are you going with?"

"I was going to ask you," he said. "As you are already going with someone, I think I will ask Aunt Petunia to go with me. She wants me to get together with Cedric, but I told her that this fic is not supposed to be a slash."

"Wise thinking Harry," said Hermione patting him on the head. "Though, you should really start dating Cedric. He looks great in tight jeans."

"I SWEAR THAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY PERVERTS," roared Harry. "I AM ONLY TWELVE. I CAN'T DATE RIGHT NOW."

"Sure you can," said Hermione. "I am dating Neville. Why can't you date Cedric? Just because you don't have hormone problems yet doesn't mean you can't be interested in someone."

"As true as that statement may be," said Harry. "I stress once more that this fic is NOT supposed to be about my love life. Why are you going with a stag if you are dating Neville?"

"I think it is too late now Harry," said Hermione seriously. "The cat is already out of the bag. I am going with a stag, because Neville said he is not going. He mentioned something about not wanting to see Dumbledick and Smoldershorts having sex again. That seriously disturbed him."

"What makes you say that?" he asked. "Let's get back to my problem as I don't have time for Neville's."

"Voldieparts, Dumbledick, and Lockflock have already heard this conversation and are making banners for the school," she said pointing. "Plus, now all of the readers of this fic know that Cedric and you are supposed to be a couple in later chapters."

"But," he said. "I am only twelve."

"He is only fifteen," said Hermione. "It is against the law for the author to go into explicit sexual descriptions regarding any minors. So you have nothing to worry about until you turn at least sixteen."

"Fine," said Harry. "What do you think will happen in the next chapter?"

"I am not sure," said Hermione. "You may want to be ready for anything. This author and his mother are nuts. You will never know what will happen when those two put their minds together and comes up with something."

"Good point," said Harry. "Oh alright. We shall see you readers in the next chapters. Until then have a great day."

"Ya'll come back now," said Hermione. "Ya hear?"

"Wasn't that the Beverly Hillbillies?" asked Harry as the scene faded.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – ok there we go, another chapter for this ridiculous fic. I am glad that so many of you are enjoying this. I will update again soon. Thanks for the reviews that you all are pouring in. It is my goal to pass up My Cullen with this story in popularity and such. With this only being the 11th chapter, I am well on my way. Thanks for everything.