DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am. PLEASE NOTE that there is NO slash in this fic as of yet. There might be some in later chapters, but I am not sure. I am just concentrating on making you laugh rather than a funny story.

NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. Thank you to all my fabulous readers that are egging me on. Thanks goes to ffanfiction for the Ray Stevens idea.

Chapter 12 – Here We Go Loopty Loop

"Oh hey," said Harry. "It looks like we are back for another episode of Brain Tumors for Life. In this chapter, the author wants you all to know that it is none of your business why Dumbledore wants to get into my vaults. However, I am Harry Potter and I will tell you anyway. The manipulative old fart wants something that my dad left in there. Apparently, there was some sort of magical device that gives the user a rush."

"Rush, Rush," sang Lockhart. "Hurry, hurry lover come to me. Rush, Rush."

"Shut up," said Voldemort slapping him. "This isn't a Paula Abdul concert. Your singing is worse than Dumbledore's gas when he says that boy's name."

"Harry Potter," called Dumbledore ignoring his fart. "Have you decided to stop suing me yet?"

"That is a negative Ghost Rider," said Harry. "I will stop suing you on the day that you stop running around in the nude making the students want to kill themselves. I will stop suing you on the day that Hermione stops being a know it all bitch. I will stop suing you on the day that you and Poldyparks stops having sex where people can see it."

"So what are you going to do about the situation with Gilesnoy?" asked Albus. "Don't you think that we should do something about his inept teaching abilities?"

"POT," said Harry loudly. "THIS IS KETTLE. It isn't like you have a lot of room to talk. The only thing you have taught us this year is how to stick items up your bum, how to sniff glue, how to cause students to commit suicide, and how to rid the castle of all living and some dead occupants."

"It is not my fault that the castle cast a spell that makes the fart joke get old," snapped Dumbledore. "It is not my fault that I pass gas every time I say Harry Potter."

"Did you know that Hermione is bottling the stuff so that we can use it in case we go to war with an offending nation?" asked Harry ignoring the smell. "She calls it germ warfare or something like that. I swear that girl knows too much about everything."

"That is what happens when your only love is books," said Dumbledore intelligently for once. "She is going to be an old maid when she gets older. No one will love her and she will be single for the rest of her miserable satanic life."

"HEY," snapped Harry slapping him. "She is dating Neville and it is inappropriate for you to talk about a student like that. She will sue you if you try something like that again."

"What is she going to get?" asked Dumbledore. "You have already taken me to the cleaners."

"That is your own fault and you know it," said Harry. "If you keep it up we will start taking alphabets out of your name as payment for what you owe. By the way, why are we having a civil conversation? Shouldn't you be somewhere else causing problems?"

"Yes," said Dumbledore. "I forgot to finish packaging all the shit to send to the Ministry. I need someone to help me wrap the boxes."

"What's in the boxes?" asked Harry confused. "I can get some people to help you."

"Are your ears clogged?" asked Albus angrily. "Do you need a q-tip? Take out the ear wax. Make a candle. I said I was packing the shit to send to the Ministry."

"Do you mean to tell me that you are sending feces to the Ministry of Magic?" asked Harry shocked.

"You really are a stupid person," said Albus walking away. "Stupid children can't listen when people talk to them or about them. It makes me want to dump rabid dogs on them."

Harry let that comment go by as he headed to the Great Hall for diner. Time was fleeting and he still didn't have dress robes for the Valentine's Day dance. Petunia came in later as if on cue and brought him some pale green robes to try on. He loved the style and color. He was glad that they fit.

Soon the dance was upon them. Harry entered the Great Hall with his date and sat down at one of the many small tables. Hermione came in a few minutes later with a stag. She was wearing grey robes. What floored Harry and Cedric so much, was her hairstyle.

"Hermione?" asked Harry. "Why is your hair standing straight up on your head?"

"I was in the tub taking a bath when voldierot ran in and threw a toaster that was plugged in into the water with me," she answered. "It gave me an electrical shock and my hair refuses to lie back down. So for now, I am going to pretend that it is an afro and go along with all of the bruthas and sistas."

Harry took her head and placed her into a headlock.

"What have I told you about talking street?" he said as some of her hair broke off and hit the floor. "You are seriously going to get the author in trouble with your racism."

"I wasn't being racist Harry," said Hermione trying to stand back up. "I was just using some slang. Blaise and Dean don't have a problem with it and they are black."

"That is beside the point," said Harry. "They are characters in a fic. Oh never mind. It is like talking to Dumblefork and moldysnot. They don't listen either. For the record Hermione, this castle doesn't have electricity. Therefore, he could not have thrown a plugged in toaster into the bath with you. That was a seriously bad lie designed to get them into trouble. Trust me when I tell you that they do not need your assistance to get into trouble."

"I get a kick out of seeing them get beat up," said Hermione. "Is it so wrong to idolize your Aunt? I want to be a wrestling champion when I get older as well. I will be the Fabulous Moola."

"You can't," said Harry. "That name is already taken and she is the first woman to be entered into the Wrestling Hall of Fame. If you use that name, you will get sued for copy write infringement. Doesn't anyone in this fic understand that and come up with something unique and different?"

"Is this a new fad?" asked Luna pointing at Hermione. "I want to join in as well."

With that she pointed her wand at her hair and caused it to stand straight up on her head. Dumbledore stood up near the staff table.

"I have an announcement to make," he called to the gathered students.

"So what," Millicent said. "We don't give a damn. Shut up and sit down. You are a pest and should be hit with a can of raid."

Harry turned around and gave Cedric and Luna a look of horror. No sooner had Millie finished those words then close to four hundred cans of raid flew at the head Master effectively shutting him up. Then again, it is hard to talk when you are passed out cold.

"Was that really necessary?" asked Harry. "He only wanted to give us some nonsensical sentence that has absolutely no merit what so ever to the story."

"Look at it this way Harry," said Severus. "With him being unconscious, he is out of trouble for the moment and your life will be easier at least for a couple of hours."

"Now that you mention it," said Harry thoughtfully. "I think you should all throw another can just in case he twitches or something. The longer we keep him unconscious, the longer his clothes stay on his body. I swear sometimes with the way he runs around in the nude that we are in a Ray Stevens song."

With that, fifty students got up and started singing. 'Oh yes they call him the streak. Buggidy, buggidy. Fastest thing on two feet. He's always making the news, wearing just his tennis shoes. Yes you can call him unique.'

Harry gave a sigh and turned back to his friends. This was really getting out of hand.

Days later, Harry and his friends were sitting together at the table when Dumbledore, Lockhart, and Voldemort all entered. All three of them were wearing dresses and makeup. Each one had a wig that made them look like they had beehives on their heads.

"What are the three of you up to now?" asked Minerva. "This had better not be another plot to overthrow the school and take over. We are running a school here and not a clown academy."

"We are the Rhea Sister," said Dumbledore. "We are here to put on a show for you all."

"I have never heard of the Rhea Sisters," said Hermione out loud. "Who are they?"

"My name is Diar Rhea," said Lockhart.

"My name is Sebor Rhea," said Dumbledore.

"My name is Gono Rhea," said Voldemort.

"Thus we are the Rhea Sisters," they said in unison.

"That is disgusting," said Harry. "That is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard. You three should all be quartered and drawn."

"I don't get it," said Neville. "Who are the Rhea Sisters?"

"They don't exist," said Harry. "Think about it. Those are all muggle sexually transmitted diseases as well as one bad bodily function."

"What are you talking about Harry?" asked Cedric. "We were not raised around muggles."

"Gonorrhea, Seborrhea, and Diarrhea," he said. The Rhea Sisters. Each one of these morons has names themselves after a human illness. Each one of these clowns should be shot for their absurdity and stupidity."

"It was clever if you think about it," said Hermione thoughtfully. "They came up with something totally unique. At least this time, they have clothes on and aren't running the naked joke into the ground anymore. I think it is an improvement even if it is disturbing."

"Yes the readers are probably getting tired of picturing Dumble, and smoldysnort naked all the time," admitted Harry with a sigh. "I just wish that people weren't so twisted. This way the author could clean up this fic somehow."

"Why would you want him to do that?" asked Cedric. "If you clean it up, then people will not want to read it anymore. Isn't the point of the author writing weird things, is to make the readers laugh and come back for more?"

"Yes," said Harry. "We want them to laugh. We don't want them to throw up, gouge out their eyes, or any other reason to visit the emergency room."

"Oh hush Harry," said Hermione. "You are just upset that they are getting more acknowledgement than you are in this story. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. At least with these three, this year is flying by pretty fast. In the next portion of this ridiculous fic, we can save your godfather from prison."

"How do you know that?" asked Harry.

"The author told me," she replied with a smirk. "I know about some of the things that are going to happen in the next book and the one following it."

"You are seriously disturbed," said Harry. "I guess we do need that to keep the story flowing with all of the funnies."

Dumbledore proceeded to start singing and the students all shoved lethal objects into their ears to void out the sound. Poppy slapped him for his absurdity and took out her wand to repair all of the damage.

"DUMBLEDORE," yelled Hermione. "YOU SUCK."

"FIVE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR," Dumbledore yelled back. "THAT OUGHT TO TEACH YOU TO YELL AT THE FABULOUS DIANA ROSS."

"Are you ever going to tell him that you are not in Gryffindor?" asked Harry looking at her. "You do realize that thanks to you, they have lost loads of points."

"Nah," she said. "This way they lose the points and Ravenclaw has a chance at winning the house cup. The castle still refuses to let Severus play favorites with the Slytherins and Draco always has the Hufflepuffs in the negative for points. Gryffindor was our only competition this year."

"Sometimes I think I am in a fairy tale story," mumbled Harry.

"REALLY," said Hermione. "What ever gave you that impression? You don't exist expect on paper. What makes you think any of this is real?"

"You really are a cruel individual," said Harry. "Thanks for taking a shot at my self esteem. Really, that was the nicest thing you have done for me yet. With friends like you, I don't need enemies. What a bitch."

"You are very welcome," she replied. "I am glad that I could be of help."

"What is Lockhart up to?" asked Harry and they passed the DADA professor in the hall. "It looks like he is in a fight with someone or rather something and they are muggle dueling."

"Is that Fang?" asked Hermione as they got closer and witnessed the dog stand up and give Lockhart a sound right hook. "I didn't know Hagrid's dog could fight like that. He is like another Mike Tyson. That punch just knocked Lockhart clean out. I always did say that dog was not all that he claimed to be."

"You should not have been in Ravenclaw," said Harry. "That sentence was one of the dumbest things I have heard today. There should be a fifth house for idiots. Maybe Lockhart, Dumbledumb, and moldymart would have all been tied for Head of House."

"Don't make me hex you Harry Plopper," said Hermione. "I know some really good ones that will make your hair curl little girl, not that it needs it."

"Did you just call me a girl?" asked Harry. "Also, you stole that line from Rita Skeeter from the Goblet of Fire book. JK Rowling will sue you for copy write infringement."

"What is with you and copy write infringement?" asked Cedric. "You are like the police or something. Give it a rest Harry. All the readers know that the author doesn't own anything in this story. So what if the characters are using lines from different songs, books, and other media. They are getting credit after all. Just chill man."

"It is getting rather boring to keep repeating myself," admitted Harry. "Ok I will not say anything more about it. I am sure by now that the readers know that the author is insane."

"That is putting it mildly," said Hermione. "I mean, where does he come up with all of this stuff? He hasn't even mentioned the basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets."

"Oh yeah," said Harry. "I forgot to tell you. The diary and Voldienots got into a fight."

"What happened?" asked Cedric.

"Well obviously Voldirots lost," he replied. "The diary beat the cold living hell out of him. It was like the diary was possessed or something."

"CUE IN THE CRICKETS," said Hermione. "How lame was that Harry?"

"Fine," said Harry. "Anyway, Voldemort invaded Ginny's turf in the Chamber and she and the twins took offense to that."

"So what happened?" asked Hermione.

"Well the Weasley twins started to prank him," said Harry. "For three days, volmold had to do the Hokey Pokey and turn your self around."

"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT," chorused no less than three hundred students and four teachers.

"HEY, HEY, HEY," shouted Harry. "Do you mind? I am having a private conversation here during class time. Keep it down. You are disturbing me. ANYWAY, the basilisk was tired of being interrupted while he was after Filch's cat. So it moved out of the castle. I received a postcard the other day from it. It is in Hawaii enjoying a peaceful life. It told me to tell the rest of the characters that it refused to eat something as disgusting as Ginny Weasley and that we should poison ourselves just for thinking about it."

"Um Harry," said Hermione pointing to the edge of the forest. "I think we have another problem. It would appear that Lockhart has managed to piss off the creatures of the forest."

"Is that a unicorn pissing on him?" asked Harry in awe. "I didn't realize that they had such large bladders."

"That isn't the worst of it," muttered Cedric. "Dumbledore and voldiemap are making mud pies with it. It is kind of gross if you think about it. I would caution everyone to not accept anything that those two have to offer to eat for awhile. The results could be seriously disturbing to say the least."

"The elves are still getting even with Dumbledope," said Harry. "Now he has to eat green food for each meal even if it isn't a green food."

"I noticed that yesterday at breakfast," said Hermione. "He ordered eggs and ham and they were green."

"Shall we wait for the readers to catch the joke?" asked Harry.

"I am sure that they got the green eggs and ham joke," assured Cedric. "At least it was better than when his food was running from him."

"What do you mean?" asked Harry. "I think I was with Aunt Petunia for that one or something."

"The other day," explained Hermione. "His food refused to let him eat it at all. Every time he took a bite, he belched and the morsels that were on his plate would escape him and run away in fright. He had to keep on replacing the food on his plate because it ran away from him so that it didn't have to hear or smell him belch."

"Wouldn't you?" asked Harry amused. "His bodily functions don't smell all that grand. It probably has something to do with him being prehistoric and stuff."

The trio made their way to COMC where they witnessed Lockhart and a unicorn giving a fencing demonstration. As usual, Lockhart was claiming to be an expert and was losing to the animal.

"NO, NO, NO, NO," said Harry. "Professor McGonagall will not be happy. Dumbledore and boldybock is up to it again. What in the world is Dumbledore wearing?"

"It looks like a dog collar," said Hermione. "Are they playing fetch?"

"YES," said Harry. "That is the problem. That is all that he is wearing. Here they go again with the whole nude scenario around the students thing, again. Some wrinkled old farts just don't get that the joke is tired and run into the ground. We should put them in turtleneck sweaters and have pants up to their tits with a tight belt. Then we wont have to see those things they call genitals."

"At least they are playing fetch and not some twisted sex game," said Cedric. "I won't go into detail as it could get quite disgusting."

"Good thinking," said Harry. "We don't want to gross out the readers of this story any further than they already are. Do you think we should go and tell Professor McGonagall?"

"I don't think that will be necessary," said Hermione pointing. "She is already acting like a rabid pit-bull."

"Hey lard ass," called Dumbledore. "How about you get jiggy with it and take off those clothes and join us here? We need someone to be our human dining room table for our sexy party later."

"Great," muttered Harry. "There goes a Family Guy quote. Next we will see Stewie running around with a bunch of women in their underwear."

"Just as long as we have you telling everyone where it all comes from, then we are safe from lawsuits," said Hermione patting him on the head. "I think someone had better do something before Professor McGonagall kills one of them. I don't think she appreciated being called a fat ass."

"Five hundred points from Slytherin," screamed Lockhart running by with a herd of unicorns chasing him. "I heard that Miss Granger."

"There you have it," said Harry. "Ravenclaw will win the house cup for sure now. It is the only house that is not losing points because of you. I wonder why no one remembers what house you are in."

"I keep changing my house insignia on my robes," said Hermione. "That way no one remembers what is going on."

"That explains so much," said Harry sarcastically. "Don't you think that someone will catch on eventually?"

"Well one has to be smart to be in Ravenclaw," said Hermione with a smirk. "I have been doing this all year."

Later that evening, the trio was sitting down to eat dinner when music started. Dumbledore came into the room and proceeded to start a strip number while singing.

"I'm too sexy for my robes, to sexy for my robes, to sexy," he chanted.

Soon there were a line of people standing there with all sorts of weapons.

"YOU ARE NOT RIGHT SAID FRED," screamed Hermione. "WHAT HAS PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL TOLD YOU ABOUT DOING STRIP NUMBERS IN THE GREAT HALL?"

"Listen here little Satan," snapped Dumbledore. "I am the Head Giver and I can do what I want?"

"Uh," said Harry. "Don't you mean Head Master?"

"Don't tell me what I mean Harry Fotter," snapped Dumbledore handing his head to Lockhart. "See? I meant Head Giver. The readers just need to get their minds out of the gutter."

"Thank goodness for that," said Hermione wiping her brow. "I thought that the rating on this fic was going to go to rated R."

"So did I," admitted Harry. "I was going to have to call in the big guns if it had."

"You mean that Satanic Aunt of yours?" asked the head of Dumbledore. "She needs to stay out of the castle. Things are so much funner when she isn't around."

"Don't you mean you get beat up less when she isn't around?" asked Harry. "You do realize that is your own fault when that happens."

"Whatever," Dumbledore said. "I am old enough to do what I want. I don't need some lesbian woman telling me what I can and can't do."

"LAWSUIT," called Harry.

A pile of shit with a note hit Dumbledore in the face with a note attached to it. That sentence is confusing, isn't it?

Dear Dumbeldor

As a result of your recent loss in the lawsuit, you are no longer allowed to have an e at the end of your name. We do not call people a lesbian for no reason. That is rude.

PS – The next lawsuit will result in the loss of the r in your name and so forth until you don't have any letters left.

Jeff the lawyer

"Well," said Harry. "That ought to teach you."

"I am getting tired of you suing me," said Dumbledor. "I insist that you desist this instantly."

"Shove it up your ass Dumbledor," said Hermione. "He doesn't have to do anything."

"I already have Miss Smarty panties," he replied. "It has been in there for days. Five hundred points from Hufflepuff."

"Will you stop that?" asked Harry. "You do realize that the castle is not allowing the point reductions. The only people who are seriously losing loads of points are Draco and Ronald Weasley."

"I wonder why we haven't had a Draco scene in awhile?" murmured Cedric.

"I think it is due to the fact that Professor Snape hasn't been able to get him out of his cauldron lately," said Hermione. "He has been in his last one for the last three days after trying to poison half of Gryffindor. I think his mother mentioned something about shooting him and putting everyone out of their misery with him."

"Can't she just trade him in for a different child?" asked Neville. "It would be better for her if she can just get a new son."

"If he were a pet or a car then that would be acceptable," said Harry. "She can't very well put him back where he came from. That would be quite painful not to mention disturbing."

"There is nothing in this story that isn't disturbing," said Cedric.

"Well that is true," said Harry. "Shall we end this chapter on this note?"

"I think we should," said Hermione.

"Well," said Harry. "I guess we will see you all another time. Goodbye folks."

AUTHOR'S NOTES – This is the last chapter in this fic. I am just out of funny things to write. I really want to concentrate on my other fics and this is just out of control. I have lost my fun vibe with it and I don't want to disappoint you further.