I Wanna Hold Your Hand

EPOV

"Get over here now." He ordered firmly. "She is hysterical and I can't help her, Edward. You promised me. Now do what you promised."

Charlie was pissed at me but I knew that he deserved to be. I had caused this because I had never told her the truth. My father was right, if it was a relationship, I had to be as upfront about my background as she was. This wasn't a patient/doctor relationship. This was friends with the promise of something more.

Ending the call, I jumped to my feet and began to dress, shoving on the jeans I had worn earlier, that was laying in a bundle in the corner of my room. I rushed to my closet picking up a t-shirt, knowing I had no time for the shirt and its buttons, that had lay beside the jeans.

Speeding up to her house, I parked and got out the car without even removing my keys, only just managing to turn off the engine.

I never bothered to knock on the door. Instead I walked straight in and ascended the staircase. Charlie stood outside her door, looking exhausted.

"What happened?" I asked him with the tone he had gave me on the phone.

I may have upset her, but he should have been able to look after his own daughter. If she had harmed herself in anyway, I was going to go after him.

"She was screaming in her sleep..." he sighed. "She's a wreck, but she ordered me out of her room. She doesn't want me." He looked away and I felt guilty that she had wanted me.

I stepped in the direction of her door but he put out a hand to stop me. "She doesn't want you either."

"What?" I asked incredulously. "Why did you call me?" Was he just trying to show me how much I had fucked up?

"She is obviously upset at you, but she trusts you. As much as she doesn't want to talk to you, I know she needs to." he shrugged his shoulders. "You need to fix it and I think you need to do it now."

I closed my eyes in fear of the wrath I would get from Bella but I nodded at him before I walked into her room.

Holding my breath I walked through her door.

"Get out. This is my room. I don't want you in here again, ever." She shouted at me with a weak roar. She was angry but she was trembling with fear.

She threw a pillow at me that was in her hands, but it did nothing as it hit the floor so she reached up to a photo frame that lay on her bedside table and threw it at me. The corner of the heavy meat frame smacked off my chest as I tried to catch it. It fell to the floor without sound as it landed on the pillow.

The impact of the frame hurt. The sharp corner had hit off my sternum, winding me.

"Are you fucking mad?" I shouted at her, throwing myself at her and capturing her hands so she couldn't try to hurt me.

"Apparently." She spat at me, trying to wriggle out of my grasp. Her distress becoming apparent.

I forced her down onto the mattress of the bed, trying to calm her sharp jerky movements.

She knew I would never hurt her. So I forced her on her back, allowing myself and my weight to still her.

My legs straddled hers and I pushed my upper body weight down on top of her, effectively stopping her movements.

She shook her head from side to side, trying to avoid my face at all costs.

"Help. He's hurting me." She tried to call on her dad for attention but I was sure he wouldn't come in to intervene. He had been the one to call me, despite knowing Bella didn't want to see me.

I wasn't hurting her, I was restraining her. Restraining her from hurting me and hurting herself. Even if Charlie was to come in, I had no concern on his thoughts about my positioning. I was protecting myself.

She lay out beneath me, still trying like blazes to escape me.

I was finally able to focus on her face somewhat fort the first time since I had got in and I could see her face. It was soaked with tears.

"You're crying." I let my voice drop a little. "Why have you been crying? Did you have another nightmare?" Charlie had already told me she had been she had been screaming in her sleep, it didn't take a genius to work out the cause.

She stopped shaking her head and gave a tiny nod.

Her breath stuttered and all of a sudden she was calm again.

I didn't want to hold her like this. I wanted to hold her like I did in my bed.

She never spoke but I could see the change in her. She had calmed down. I knew she had.

Bringing her into me, I hugged her. I rolled us onto our sides to let her know that she was free if she was calm, but her mad antics, I wouldn't stand for.

Sobs came from her. Her heart breaking. And I knew it was. What ever she had dreamed about, it had caused her a lot of great pain and she would be mad at the fact they were back.

"Calm, Love." The words rolled off of my tongue as I placed a chaste kiss on her lips.

She sniffled and nodded against my shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me..?" She asked breathlessly.

She was talking about my nightmares. Why hadn't I told her.

"There not the same. You have solid visuals in your head. I have an image of flames. That's all mine were. Emmett had them too. Emmett's was worse than mine. We were young then and we were limited with the pain that they caused us. The accident, I barely even remember it. I was six when it happened."

It was the truth. It was something I had lived through and bounced from pretty successfully. The memory was only a tiny blip. Bella was scarred.

"Our parents died and that was the real trauma for us. We don't really remember the circumstances. I don't know if it was our mind trying to block it out or the support we had from Esme and Carlisle after it."

"But why couldn't you just tell me that they could stop. That there was that possibility. They stopped for you." She tried to argue but she was drained.

"Yes, I know they did. But kids have nightmares at that age. They watch a scary film and then they dream about it. Its how your mind works at that age."

"And what about my mind at this age?" She asked a little worried.

"It's not a scary film, Bella. It was a serious trauma that you had to drag yourself through. I don't even flinch at fire, its nothing that holds me back. I was a kid with a flash of a flame in my head. I knew what it meant, what it had done to my birth parents but that was it. We were pulled out of it and that was it. You saw your mother and step father, you had to fight through the wind and water. You fought to live. I didn't. There completely different."

She looked away, taking in my words. "I knew that if you knew about it you would compare yourself."

"Why shouldn't I? You got through it." she bit with a little assertion.

"Nightmares are different to children than they are to adults. Especially in these situations. Kids grow out of them."

"You mean mine wont go away?" she asked with panic.

I sighed at her getting the wrong end of my words. "They can. Most likely they will with some help. What I mean is that my nightmares are common for kids, its our young mind processing the information. We hold on to them for a period of time and then they just go. You need to work through yours. They might just leave you, but its been so long. You need to talk about it to try and free the visions."

I hoped I wasn't sounding condescending. If she had went through Katrina at the same age as I had went through the fire, she would struggle to remember too, and her nightmares would have no doubt have passed without too much pain, the same as mine.

"I just want it to be over." She let out in a low mumble.

I kissed her and pulled her further into me as she released a few more tears.

"Can I ask what you saw?" I tread carefully.

"Water. Choking on it. I felt cold." her tone was laced with such pain, my heart hurt so much.

"Are you afraid of water?" It was often the case, but not always.

She shook her head against my chest. "Jake takes me cliff diving. I don't mind it." For her to do that, she really mustn't have had a fear of water – not unless she was trying to kill herself. Even then I couldn't see her trying to kill herself like that. If she wanted out, she would want to go out a calmer way than that.

"Why do you do that? Cliff diving?" If she went with someone that could save her, she mustn't have looked to end her life.

"It's fun. The adrenalin makes me forget about real life for a little while, too." it made sense.

I only nodded at her words, letting the silence fill the room.

She shifted further into me and I could feel her warm breaths against the skin of my neck. I would never tire of this sensation. It was like heaven after how I had found her in her room last time.

A light sob began to come from her, her tears landing on my skin.

She was upset by her dreams, so I did all I could do at this time. I held on to her, tight.

Pulling her into me, I wrapped her bed covers around us. I wanted her to sleep. I needed some as well.

I wasn't sure where Charlie was right now, but I didn't care. I hoped he wasn't in the hall though. I didn't like to be checked upon, especially when I knew that I really deserved to be.

There was more to Bella and I than he knew, and coming in to find us like this, as innocent and comforting as it seemed, I was sure he would see right through my thoughts and my intentions.

Bella's arm wrapped around my waist, and the two of us were locked into one another for the night.

Eventually I heard her breathing change. Relaxed shallow breaths came from her and I knew she was out for the night.

I never moved. Not an inch. I held on to her and fell asleep myself.

Two weeks later and life had settled.

Bella still slept at mine. Charlie accepted our unusual connection after that night he had called me and he was oddly supportive of it.

I think that having her nightmare come back to him and a very visibly shaken Bella had been a flash of there past and a step back.

Me and Bella's relationship had progressed. We danced around one another in harmony when we were together. Both giving the other space but also support when the other needed it.

I knew it was hard for Bella to have to step back from me when I needed it. I felt at times that I was ignoring her, but there had been a couple of days when life at work had been too much.

I had lost my first patient only last week and the ability to accept these things had left me.

I was mad at myself, but most of all, I struggled with the acceptance that I couldn't help everyone. I tried not to let it get to me, to allow it to fester into fear of not being able to help Bella. She was the one person I knew that I couldn't let slip away from me.

"Toast?" She offered with a smile as she skipped across the kitchen, placing a plate of buttered toast out in front of me. I was beginning to be spoilt. I knew it.

I nodded, accepting the breakfast she had made for me as she sat down across from me, lifting a half slice for herself.

"So...what time does Alice get here at?" The warm smile on her face shone across to me and I knew she couldn't wait to see her again.

"She said she will get here around five this afternoon." I replied back to her as I bit into my breakfast.

Emmett was getting married, tomorrow.

Bella was going as my "guest" and as much as she was looking forward to it, I sensed her nervousness at having to mingle with some of the people who no doubt had spoke of her.

Rose was pissed at that one and was still intent on trying for me not to take her with me. I didn't understand how Rosalie could be so off with her. She had to learn to accept it. Rose was officially becoming part of my family, and my family had already accepted Bella, long before I had.

I rested my elbow on the table and rested my chin in my hand. "How excited are you?" I teased. I knew Bella had tried to keep her emotions at bay, to play it cool, but I knew. I knew that getting to see Alice and be invited to the wedding was a big deal for her.

She was being accepted again.

She shrugged as she mashed up the corner of her toast in between her fingers. "It will be nice to see her..." she tried to hide her smile, taming the corner of her mouth.

"You know, you do get to be excited." I told her a little more seriously. It was as if she felt that she didn't deserve it or something. Something seemed to hover in the back of her mind. I just didn't know what.

Her eyes floated up to mine. "I am excited. I'm...I'm just seeing how it all goes..." She finished off cryptically.

"How what goes?" I asked her, genuinely having no idea what she was talking about.

She looked away and placed her toast back down on the plate before licking at her finger tips, cleaning them of toast remnants.

She didn't seem to want to answer me.

I slid my chair around to her, resting my hands on her knees. "How what goes?" I pushed again, trying to get her eyes to focus on mine.

"I know Rosalie doesn't want me there. I can see Alice the day after..." Wasn't she going to the wedding with me? My gut clenched at that.

"What are you talking about. You will see Alice later today and then you will see her at the wedding, tomorrow. And then...you can see her the day after if you want too as well. If you can put up with her for all that time." I tried to lighten the tone a little.

"Rosalie doesn't want me to go. It's her wedding-"

"And Emmett's. I'm Emmett's best man – its his wedding too and he wants you there." I told her firmly without doubt.

"Edward, I heard her the other night. Maybe she's right. Maybe you should ask, Tanya. She seems to like her."

My mind went into over drive. What else had she had overheard that she was keeping quiet.

Rosalie was acting her first class bitchy self at my parents the other night, telling me that Bella wasn't welcome at the wedding. But it wasn't just her wedding. Emmett wanted Bella there as well and he had put his foot down.

Emmett understood that there was nothing mean to Bella. He had learned about her difficulties and he took them on board as the explanation of the stories he had heard. Emmett treated Bella like a sister of sorts and he quite simply wasn't standing for Rosalie's words. He wouldn't accept them if they were directed at Alice and saw that Bella should be no different.

I just never realized that Bella had overheard the conversation. And I only hoped that she had hung around long enough to hear the end of it.

My father was present during our little altercation and was surprisingly, deeply annoyed at Rosalie's thoughts and her determination to shun Bella.

My dad had stepped up and stood up for Bella, refusing Rosalie to get her way and he had told her that she needed to learn that Bella was a part of our family, as much as she was.

I was blown away at his words and I didn't know if they were directed at me and my admission that something deeper ran between the pair of us, or simply it was him accepting Bella back into our lives as the friend she had been to Alice.

I didn't ask. I didn't want to give Rosalie more fuel to run her mouth off. She was still tetchy towards me and the fact I was trying to help Bella.

"You do remember who Tanya is, don't you?" I asked carefully as I looked into her eyes.

She nodded and looked down. "She's the nurse..." She had been one of Bella's nurses when she was in after her attempted overdose .

"Yeah. Your right. She's the nurse. And she's a friend of mine and maybe I would have asked her if I had no one else to take with me, but I do. I have you and I want you to go with me. Tanya..." I wanted her to know that I had a lot of trust in Tanya as a friend, but that was all it would ever be. "Tanya, is a good friend, like a really good friend." I tried to let her see but all she did was look up at me hurt.

"Like how I am?" She asked a little dejected.

I shook my head furiously. "God no. Tanya was the one that made me see that there was more to me and you. She saw that and made me admit it. She was worried for me...but she was more worried for you."

"Why was she worried about me?" Bella looked totally perplexed. I was confusing her here.

"Bella she seen you come in and out of the hospital. She knows that you aren't..." I struggled to find the right words.

"Stable?" She jumped at me with a snap in her voice.

"No." I told her firmly. "She knew that something must have happened to you, to make you do those things. She thinks...she thinks that maybe us getting close could be what you need..." I trailed off my words into the air.

Bella looked a bit taken aback by my words and her look fell from my eyes and to the floor.

"She doesn't see any wrong in it. She only tried to encourage it." I shrugged as I spoke. She encouraged it but she still wanted me to be careful.

"Why?" Bella's word was almost in audible.

"I don't know. Maybe she thinks that its something your missing..." I had no real idea what Tanya had encouraged us, other than she had. I think she thought that Bella had truly been lacking in support and love and that I was the answer.

The air turned awkward between us and Bella shifted in her seat, trying to avoid my eyes.

I slipped off my chair and knelt down on the spot between her legs, resting my palms on her thighs that were covered with a pair of my sweats that were entirely too big for her.

I had happily accepted her wearing my clothes. At the weekend it was all she seemed to wear. And I quite liked it. She still looked beautiful.

"I'll understand if you don't want to go, especially if you over heard Rosalie. But I want you there and so does everybody else." I looked up to her and I could see her coming around to the idea again. "If you don't go, I'll be alone." I smirked up at her, trying to get that smile to ghost her face once more.

I reached up, kissing her firmly on the lips.

"Okay..." she breathed against my mouth, almost instantly as she wrapped her arms around my neck and deepened our kiss.

I lifted her up into my arms and out of her chair. We had plenty of time before we had to help with the final arrangements and I was going to make sure I used them wisely.

Her legs circled my waist as I headed toward the bedroom.

We had yet to make love with one another. Though there were times we had gotten a little carried away. We were always open with one another, gentle touches and caresses. I wasn't rushing anything and even though Bella had became upset at me because I wouldn't, she understood my reasoning and accepted it.

But I knew that time was coming soon. We had seemed to dive into this silent relationship and even thought we were never too intimate with one another in front of others, eyebrow's were being raised all around town at our friendship.

Charlie was the exception thought. I didn't know if he ignored the talk of the town or if it was the fact that he trusted me to keep our relationship strictly as friendship. Either way, Bella said he never asked anything that would cause concern. He was only interested in how she was coping and she hadn't had a nightmare since that night Charlie had called me over.

Reaching the bedroom, I gently placed her down on the bed, kneeling down on the spring mattress and placing her down in front of me.

I sat back on my heels, looking at the beauty that lay out in front of me. She wore one of my t-shirts too and even though she could swim in the material, she loved to wear them.

I tugged at the material of the sweats, pulling them down her legs, exposing my spiderman boxers that she seemed to love so much.

Her body trembled slightly and placed a comforting hand on her hip, assuring her."Relax. I'm only taking them off so we can lie in bed for while longer." She nodded at my words but I could still see the hesitation on her face.

It completely threw me. At times she was desperate for us to be together then there were times she seemed to fear me. When I explain that I was only trying to make her comfortable or looking for a hug, she seemed to calm instantly. But it did seem that sometimes she panicked at the prospects of intimacy with me.

I truly struggled to understand it. There had been no past of abuse in her life but sometimes it just seemed as if she clammed up on me. I only ever tried to make her comfortable and I tried constantly to never push myself onto her. The knowledge of her murky past was enough for me to understand that the change in our relationships, in contrast to others she had been with, she just needed time to adapt emotionally, rather than physically.

I rid myself of my own sweats and began to pull the bed covers back, helping Bella slip below the material. Once I got under myself, she quickly came to me, seeming a little more relaxed.

She rested her head on my chest and rested her hand on my t-shirt covered abdomen as she quickly fell asleep again.

I knew she needed rest. She slept the same hours I had and I knew I was exhausted. I let her fall over, knowing she was safe to sleep and that I wasn't going anywhere.

We had to help to get things ready but it was nine in the morning, we still had time. It was important that Bella got the sleep she needed and not only the sleep I let her have.

It had been a hectic few days at work and it was only made worse by the fact that both me and my father had taken two days off of work to help wit preparation and the actual wedding itself.

I heard a contented sigh from Bella as she slept and knowing she was okay and that she was going to the wedding with me, I could rest happily, too.

BPOV

I tried like hell to try and do something with my hair. I didn't want to let Edward down and look a mess. Fighting with the brush, I knew it was useless. There wasn't anything I could do with it.

I wished I had Alice with me right now but I knew that she would be helping Rosalie out, and to be fair, Rosalie would be needing Alice by her side.

Alice had got here yesterday afternoon with Jasper and we had been glued to one another's side all evening until It was time for bed and time for me and Edward to go home.

All she kept asking was what was going on with me and Edward. I was growing a little worried. I knew that Edward and I had gotten closer and that other people were seeing our friendship. But that was always what we called it.

We never told them that he held me through the night. That he kissed my lips, making my heart feel better. We never told them anything. We only shook off there suspicion.

I didn't know what we were. I suppose we were a couple, but if you don't acknowledge it publicly, what do you become? An affair? A sordid little secret?

I didn't know what we were and I felt like my mind was constantly looking for a tag to put over us.

We hadn't even had sex.

He touched me intimately but he had never just had me. I was glad that we hadn't. It backed up the security I felt even more. I knew I wasn't just a notch on his bed post, that when the time came to be together like that, it would mean something. For a change.

Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the front door that startled me and dragging me out of my day dreaming.

Catching my breath, I rushed to the front door, worried about who would be on the other side. Fear spiked in my gut at the thought of an angry Jacob. He still wasn't talking to me after the whole incident in his garage with Edward. He struggled to accept my new friendship, and so he was making me pick, it was either Edward or him.

Opening the door I was met with a dressed up Alice.

"Okay, I have twenty minutes to fix you up." she told me sharply as she pushed past me shoving a dress into my hands.

Looking down at the dark blue chiffon, I wondered if I was to wear it.

I had a dress looked out to wear but I still felt it was a little under dressed for a wedding, a Cullen wedding, no less. And Rosalie as the bride to boot.

A lavish wedding was obvious.

And well...I was me. I was just lost on how I should look.

"Is this for me?" I asked in confusion as she tugged on my hand, dragging me up stairs with her.

She sat me down on the bed and instantly began to rummage thought a make-up box that she had brought with her.

"Are you seriously giving me a "She's all that" moment?" I joked with a snigger. Alice loved to play dress up and if I was going to a wedding with Edward I knew she would be determined to make me look decent.

"Your damn right I am. But it's not for Edwards benefit. Rosalie is already spouting her poison and I'll be damned if she tried to take you down because she doesn't think you are acceptable for her got damn over the top wedding." She panted out as she began fixing the make-up I had already done on my face.

Alice got on well with Rosalie but Rosalie's nature with Alice's was often a clash. Alice was go-with-the-flow where I had learned, from a distance, that Rosalie was meticulous in everything she done.

I never replied to her words. I only sat there accepting her offerings that I knew I badly needed.

It wasn't that I didn't care how I looked. I just felt comfortable in who I was, but often, that wasn't how people felt I should be "comfortable" and I had more than a few digs over the years on my appearance.

"Did you plan on doing anything with your hair?" Alice asked with a worried questioning look on her face. She was afraid of my answer because she already knew it.

I shook my head. "I tried...I just don't know how you manage it..." I shrugged off feeling a little ashamed.

"You are stunning, Bella. I'm only watching your back this time because its Rose. I swear if you give her any excuse to not be in the pictures, she will have you out.." She mumbled off as she began to pin up the side of my hair. It was simple but it was all that she had time for.

"I don't want to be in the pictures." Why was I going to be in them?

"Well you have too, at least some of them. You are the...partner of the best man." her eyebrow rose up at that one and she was looking for more information but I chose to ignore the look she gave me.

"But I'll ruin them." I wanted to argue on this one and stamp my feet.

Alice laughed at me like she always did to my irrational behaviour. "What's going on between you two. Is he your Saint Hermes, yet?"

I hated how she could say that so easily. He wasn't my Hermes. There was never going to be a Hermes for me.

"Alice..." I snapped a bit too firm, but she was over stepping her mark again – like always.

"Admit it. There is something going on between you two. I saw it last night and everyone else knows what's going on too. Well...going by what my mum says..." A smug look appeared on her face as if Esme had been keeping tabs on us.

"Alice, as much as I love your mum, she doesn't know anything." I told her tiredly.

"Bella, I know something is going on and Edward is a little shy on admitting it, but he still admitted it." What had he said and too who? I felt panic rise in me and Charlie finding out and taking me away from Edward. I was an adult but he still held my rights.

"What has he said?" I asked a little worried.

"Well he never actually said yes, he kinda danced around it." She shrugged as she tried to open up the end of a clip with her teeth.

"Alice. What did he say?" I was growing short with her and I never had time for this, she would need to be leaving soon.

"My mum told him not to be like the rest of the guys... and he said he wasn't going to use you."

"That's nothing, Alice. Stop trying to create bother. Edward is a good person and he just wants to help me. He understand the nightmares a little." She had nothing here but the feeling in her gut and I would try like hell for her to let that go.

"I was too young to understand Edward, but I know there not the same." She was arguing Edward side on this one. Of course.

"Why did you never tell me about it, the reason you were adopted?"

"Why didn't you tell me that you were in Katrina?" she bit at me as she pushed on my shoulder. "I'm done." She told me about my hair but I was sure there was a double meaning behind her words.

The air fell quite and it grew thick with tension. Our conversation had annoyed Alice and I didn't know why.

"Get changed, Bella. I said to Edward I would bring you over once you were ready." her words were still short and she didn't even look at me as she crossed her arm over her chest.

"Are you mad at me?" I needed to know why she was acting like this towards me.

"Yes, I am. I'm here Bella and I'm ready to listen. Okay, I understand why you kept quiet about your mum and Katrina and all of that, but we are friends. You can talk to me if there is something going on between you and Edward. I know you are lying. I was the one that told you that you could trust him. We're friends and you need to keep talking. And not just to Edward." Her voice grew louder and louder and I knew that event thought she was back in my life, I had been keeping her at a distance, made so easy with the fact she was in Seattle.

I felt guilty. All of our time together we had told one another secrets, we did. Despite keeping our messed up pasts, quiet, we were so open and honest about everything else.

I was learning to do that with Edward, but at the same time I was keeping things from Alice, in fear that the truth would come out to everyone.

I nodded to her, understanding her frustration. "I...I'm Sorry. I can see that now. I'm just scared." I was torchered by nightmares, but now my biggest one would be to be without Edward. I hated it at the same time though. I couldn't depend on him like that, it wasn't fair.

"Some things have went on between me and Edward." I admitted a little shyly.

Her face began to light up at my words, the fact that I was telling her. "What?" She pushed gently.

I shook my head at my own frustration. "I don't really know. We kiss and we touch...but that's all it is."

She sat down on the bed beside me, taking my hand in hers. "And how do you feel about that?"

This was Alice, my Alice. The one that had been torn away form me and given back. Sitting on the bed I was beginning to realized that despite our time apart, nothing had changed.

Looking into her eyes, I told her the truth. "I'm terrified."

a/n: Please review - I need to know what your throughts are. Thic chapter is a little slow but it will pick up again.

Sorry for the space in UD – I struggled with this chapter – my mind is focused on the next!