Okay, so the story turns one year old on 15th October! Thanks for all the reviews over the past year! To all my readers – I love you all! Again! No, wait, scratch that. I'm in love with you all.
And let the storm of restraining orders commence!
Thank you for all your kind words and for forcing yourself to read stupid crap like the old chapters and random false facts?!
The author slacked off and played Brawl instead of making the next two fun facts funnier.
This story is "good."
The 'Kirby' in the author's username is actually secret code for YOUR FACE! Zing! Nice.
Rebuilding
Chapter 35: Saved by the Bell (-Holding Guy)
Dear Minister, from the leader of the One Army,
I understand that you felt an overwhelming desire to destroy the Super Smash Brothers with my clone army, and I'm going to grudgingly accept your decision.
I do agree, however, that our new equipment is foolproof. Now that you have more people, Smasher or otherwise, working for us, and our opposition is trapped in the past, we will be immediately be able to conquer the universe, and destroy the Super Smash Brothers once and for all.
All I need you to do, and I repeat myself because it's an important instruction, is to kill Wolf O'Donnell before he fulfils Master Hand's request to rebuild the old SSB. Do not fail me again.
Mewtwo stood in the door frame, looking around at the future Super Smash Brothers.
"We can explain-a," said Mario hastily. "See, we-a-"
Mewtwo interrupted him. "You're from seven years in the future, and while rebuilding the Super Smash Brothers and inducting newcomers on the way to the new Mansion after the old one was destroyed, you were mysteriously shot by a temporal distortion ray and sent back to Hyrule of 2001. You then stole a Pokeball shipment, changing the timeline and allowing you to break into this Mansion. You then used an insipid musical number to draw me out, and now you want me to return you to your time."
"Well-a, yes, that's a succinct-a summary," said Mario sheepishly.
"I'm psychic," Mewtwo explained to the newcomers.
"Wait, 'changing the timeline'?" asked DK curiously. "What did we change?"
"Now that you've used all our Pokeballs and killed the postman, we have no items for the Melee tournament," replied Mewtwo coldly. "Everyone except the most brain-dead Super Smash Brother pulled out, as they loved using items. Word about the postman's death quickly got around, and now everyone's prohibiting use of their stages out of fear. The only one we have left is Final Destination."
"The most brain-dead Super Smash Brother?" asked Kirby. "Who's that? We have like, five of us who fit that."
"Fox," replied Mewtwo. "Thanks to you time immigrants, the new tournament rules are-well, see for yourself."
Mewtwo indicated a sign on the wall. Everyone turned to look at it.
"No items, Fox only, Final Destination..." read the Smashers, except for Fox, who was illiterate.
"Hey, macs, if you're so mad at us, why don'ts you just send us back to the futures?" asked Diddy tentatively.
"I'm not sure if I have that ability," shrugged Mewtwo. "Allow me to try and bring something from the future..."
Mewtwo focused, and gave a deep grunt. Everyone watched as the psychic Pokemon's head rocked back and forward ominously, veins popping in his temple. The very ground itself seemed to shudder. It was a miracle that the past Smashers in the dining room could not hear them. A glowing light appeared as sweat rolled down Mewtwo's face, and then –
A tiny Pokeball popped into being.
"Open it," panted Mewtwo, pointing at Diddy.
"Oh, okays..." said Diddy. He walked up to the Pokeball, awestruck, and opened it. A small, brown, plant-looking Pokemon fell to the ground with a heavy thud unfitting for its size.
"Who's that Pokemon?" Meta-Knight asked Pokemon Trainer.
"It's Bonsly," replied Pokemon Trainer.
"Yeah, he sucks," said Pikachu. "He acts like a bonsai tree, but we all know he's a rock. I mean, hello, he's a rock type!"
Pikachu and Pokemon Trainer snorted with laughter. Fox joined them.
"Laughter is the best cyanide!" laughed Fox.
"Medicine," said Kirby flatly.
"Oregon," replied Fox.
"I am a tree," protested Bonsly.
"He's from the future," assessed Mewtwo. "I predicted the first sighting of a Bonsly will be in 2006 a long time ago. So it seems that I can indeed send you into the future."
"Whoa, whoa," interrupted Bowser. "How do we know you won't send us somewhere where we'll just be killed immediately, like Subspace or to the Minister or New York?"
"I'll be careful..." sighed Mewtwo. "But I trust that you already know that I'm dead in your present?"
Snake coughed inconspicuously.
"Isn't anybody listening to me?" asked Bonsly.
Silence. There was a lot of it. On account of how quiet it was.
Zelda stabbed Bonsly to death and stuffed him in Past Zelda's nearby (and unsupervised) purse.
"There! I just got revenge on the bitch that put a corpse in my purse seven years ago!" cackled Zelda. "The doctor said the trauma messed up my mind!"
"Anyway," said Mewtwo pointedly. "This means that I will be unable to assist you further. Just know that the key to victory is to use the enemy."
"Hey, wait!" said Kirby. "I just thought of something! Listen, Mewtwo, in six or seven years, there'll be a video game called Adventure Quest Journey Pilgrimage 3, okay?"
"I know," said Mewtwo.
"Keep Ness away from it!" demanded Kirby. "I'm pretty sure that's what started this whole mess!"
Mewtwo nodded, and created a psychic energy bubble around the Smashers. "Alright, you will be sent to the future momentarily. Goodbye. Goodbye for the final time. Goodbye once more for luck. But there is something you should know about the Ancient Minister, his boss, and what they have planned for Lui-"
"What is it-a?" asked Mario hastily. "Tell us!"
Unfortunately, it was at that moment the energy bubble closed up, and they were unable to hear Mewtwo's last revelation as they hurtled forward in time to the present...
At the same time but in the future, Leon and Panther smirked evilly at Falco and Luigi, their guns drawn. Leon and Panther's guns, that is. See, Falco and Luigi are defenceless. It's really quite unfortunate, you see.
"Wait, don't shoot!" cried Luigi suddenly.
"What?" asked Leon harshly, without looking away. Panther lowered his gun, but Leon continued to aim directly at Falco.
"Don't we get a chance to say our last words?" asked Luigi hopefully. "Or something like that?"
"Fine, whatever," snapped Leon.
"Good idea, I'll go first," jeered Falco, unfazed. "Hey Leon, how about you suck my-"
"Or-"cut in Luigi, "You could explain to us just why you're killing us instead!"
"You both know why," snapped Leon. "Master Hand drops you both here, steals Wolf, and then tells us that thing about Falco that technically makes him-"
"Gotta love that Master Hand," laughed Falco, purposefully taunting Leon.
"You both interrupt a lot, you know that?" asked Panther casually, stroking his Blaster. (Not one word)
"Yes, and the both of you had better stop delaying this," said Leon icily.
"But you can't kill us!" panicked Luigi. "Haven't either of you ever been in love and desperate to prove yourself? Isn't there anyone overshadowing you? Someone else has to feel the pain I go through!"
"You're about to die a whiny bitch," sighed Falco.
"You get to survive for five more minutes if you become a whiny bitch too," whispered Luigi.
Falco considered the idea.
Falco looked at Leon and Panther.
"Well?"
"Fine, yeah, my father never hugged me," Falco lied, rolling his eyes.
"Do you think that the innocent victim act is really going to work on the mighty Star Wolf?" snarled Leon.
"See, you like your life," observed Falco. "You called your team mighty, that's something."
"Of course I like my life!" raged Leon.
"That's because everyone does, except for him," smirked Falco, jerking his head at Luigi. "He's in love with his now-sister in law, he's overshadowed by his brother, and now he's been close to dying so many times in the last few months it's almost not funny."
Luigi burst into tears.
"Nice acting," whispered Falco. Luigi continued to sob.
"Yeah, we don't really care about all that," said Leon. "We've just decided to kill you and say the Subspace Army did it."
Luigi stopped crying and looked up, horrified. Even Falco's arrogant smirk twitched momentarily.
"Well Falco, there's something I need to tell you," sniffed Luigi.
"Yeah, I have something to say to you too," admitted Falco.
"Ready!" Leon told Panther.
"I was the one who sold your diary to those Japanese businessmen the month after I moved into the Mansion," admitted Falco. "Sorry."
"Aim!" Leon yelled.
"So what do you want to say to me?" asked Falco.
"Oh, nothing," said Luigi angrily.
"FIRE!" screamed Leon.
Suddenly, an F-Zero race car burst through the walls of Star Wolf HQ, and darted through the tiny gap between Falco and Luigi, and Leon and Panther. All the Blaster shots hit the car's side, and the aforementioned car crashed into the wall in a fiery heap of wreckage. Leon and Panther cursed heavily, throwing their guns away. Falco and Luigi looked relieved and surprised, as a certain two dimensional saviour stepped out of the destroyed vehicle.
"Falco, Luigi, there you are!" yelled Mr. Game and Watch, beaming with a furious pride.
"Did we die?" asked Luigi.
"We got saved by the worst guardian angel ever," Falco sighed, rolling his eyes.
"I've been looking everywhere for the Super Smash Brothers! Again!" bellowed Mr. Game and Watch. He paused. "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We're being held up at gunpoint!" replied Luigi, but his stained overalls explained further.
"Well that's enough of that!" said Mr. Game and Watch. "You're coming with me; Master Hand has a secret mission for us!"
"Who the hell are you?" asked Leon angrily, striding over to Mr. Game and Watch.
"Shut up, you murdering, scheming, disgusting Star Wolf bastard!" bellowed Mr. Game and Watch, as livid as Sakurai was that time tripping wasn't well received. He, that is, Mr. Game and Watch, not Sakurai, whipped out his Judgement Hammer, and swung dangerously at Leon. The number 9 shot sent Leon flying against the wall, bleeding. "Now, where's Star Wolf's leader?"
"Over there," replied Luigi nervously, pointing at Falco.
Mr. Game and Watch blinked. "What, is he behind Falco?"
"F-Falco's the leader of Star Wolf now," stammered Luigi, worriedly looking around.
"So, Wolf O'Donnell goes by the nickname Falco now, does he?" asked Mr. Game and Watch. "Sickening..."
"No, no, Falco's the leader of Star Wolf," said Luigi forcibly. "Master Hand pointed this out when we got here: there's two Super Smash Brothers to replace their missing leader. We're replacing the leader, which made Falco and me co-leaders of Star Wolf. I gave up my position, but he wouldn't! That's why they were about to kill us! Falco's in charge of Star Wolf!"
"This doesn't make any sense," replied Mr. Game and Watch, confused. "Let me talk to the leader around here!"
"That's Falco!" yelled Luigi, exasperated.
"I'm so, so, so happy," sighed Falco blissfully.
"It's true," Panther chimed in, looking disinterested. "That stupid bird scum is our leader, and-"
Mr. Game and Watch cracked his number 9 Judgement Hammer over Panther's head, sending him flying just like Leon. "No-one asked you!" he yelled furiously. "Falco, Luigi, just steal some planes or whatever! We're leaving!"
"I got dibs on the Wolfen!" cheered Falco, running off.
"There's like twenty here," pointed out Luigi.
"Shut up," replied Falco blandly.
Mr. Game and Watch chuckled, and then turned back to the groaning Leon and Panther. "You two tell Wolf O'Donnell I'm comin' for him! Understand? Tell your leader!"
"But you're taking our leader..." groaned Leon, losing blood.
Mr. Game and Watch stuck his fingers in his ears and ran off to board a third Wolfen. "Lalalalala, can't hear you!"
The three Wolfens took off, searching the skies for signs of Wolf O'Donnell...
The very same Wolf was in New Pork City, trying to get into the Hall of Memories while Jigglypuff and Ganondorf watched. Two metallic guards employed by Master Hand, known as Alloys, were on guard duty after the previous incidents. Unfortunately for Wolf, these two were the most stubborn – Red Alloys.
"Sorry, but our orders from Master Hand are to let nobody through here," said the Red Alloy firmly. "You're not coming in."
"My orders from Master Hand are to have these two look around for clues about the Subspace Army," argued Wolf. "So I need to get in here!"
"Master Hand is counting on me," snarled the Alloy, taking a step towards Wolf.
"He's also counting on me," said Wolf calmly, looking up at the Alloy. "How can you be sure Master Hand wants me away from this room?"
"Well, if Master Hand didn't give me these orders, it was someone who looked an awful lot like him," the Alloy sneered in a joking manner. "The capsule that was in here has been activated, and it's been dealt with. All we're doing in here is removing traces of the Smash Brother it took down."
Wolf felt a small twinge of worry, then dismissed it immediately. "I understand," he said placidly, and he walked back to Jigglypuff and Ganondorf.
"Hit a little snag," said Wolf, shaking his head in disbelief.
"It jumped in front of our car," cut in Jigglypuff, defensively.
"We're in a plane-never mind. They've found out that the kid in the capsule took down one of your guys. No idea if it meant he or she's dead though..." sighed Wolf. "Either way, the capsule's still in there."
"Oh. Great," said Ganondorf angrily. "You started this mission here, why didn't you just take care of things then?"
Wolf ignored him. "The place is crawling with these Alloy guys too, but I'm still going in."
"Wow, I hope you invade the deserted hall successfully," scoffed Ganondorf. "The only Alloys I see are those two red ones at the door!"
"What about the gray one?!" asked Jigglypuff, alarmed. She pointed at Wolf, who rolled his eyes.
"So I'm thinking after this place, we go find a bar and stand in front of it, doing nothing," continued Ganondorf.
"Just stay here," snapped Wolf, urging the two into another room. "I'll handle the Alloys. Come running when I'm done."
"How will we know when you're-" Ganondorf turned from the doorframe to see Wolf tearing off down the hall, back towards the Alloys. "-done..."
Jigglypuff blinked for several seconds.
"How will we know when he's done?" repeated Jigglypuff innocently.
"He'll probably call us quietly or something," shrugged Ganondorf, looking at Wolf sneak up to the Alloys.
Wolf horribly and viciously murdered the Alloys, leaving them lying on the ground in pools of their own motor oil or blood because I'm not entirely sure if they're organic or metallic and if you could help me out that'd be super.
"Okay, I was wrong," admitted Ganondorf, raising his hands in mock apology.
"He's better at telling us stuff than you are," said Jigglypuff, awe-struck.
"Follow me through here," called Wolf from the doorway. "The capsule's inside."
"Um, I'm scared," whimpered Jigglypuff, hearing footsteps.
"Ugh, you're pathetic," grunted Ganondorf. A tiny Green Alloy wandered up behind them.
...
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!" shrieked Ganondorf, sprinting at full pace (which for him is about a brisk jog) down the hallway. He stopped next to Wolf, panting and crying like a little girl. Sorry for insulting all the little girls out there. You are of course manlier than Ganondorf.
Jigglypuff walked casually behind him all the way, occasionally throwing a glance at the Green Alloy.
"What the hell was that?!" demanded Wolf. "You're lucky only one more showed up!"
Ganondorf coughed. "Yeah, Jigglypuff, you could have screwed it up for us. That's a bad Pokemon. Baaad Pokemon!"
Wolf turned back to Porky's capsule, cursing under his breath. "Both idiots..."
A secluded figure-eight circuit sat flatly yet proudly, seemingly in the middle of nothing but green fields. Two Koopa Troopas sat in the only building for miles, a commentator's podium.
"And we're getting ready to begin another exhilarating race!" yelled one Koopa exuberantly into his microphone. "How would you describe the race, Dave?"
"I would describe the race as amazing!" grinned Dave the other Koopa. He kept grinning significantly into thin air.
"We'll be sued for that!" the first Koopa grinned.
Dave kept grinning.
The first Koopa stopped him after a while. "So Dave, who do you think will come out on top?"
"Well Jim, I must say that sounds exactly like what your mother asked me last night when we met up with your sister, wife, and daughter!" replied Dave, still grinning.
"I hate you, Dave!" smiled Jim. "Interesting side note: nobody is in the audience!"
Dave was about to reply through his permanent grin, but a bubble of psychic energy came into being in the middle of the circuit. The Super Smash Brothers stepped out of the bubble, looking around.
"Where are we?" asked Samus cautiously.
"When are we?" added Meta-Knight.
Everyone looked up at the commentators, who didn't seem to have noticed anything strange at all.
"Now let's start the 2008 Mario Kart Grand Prix!" Jim grinned.
"However, as both Mario brothers, Donkey Kong and Yoshi have been absent for ten years, we only have four contestants!" grinned Dave. "Give it up for-"
"Princess Peach and Bowser left seven years ago," reminded Jim. "And I think the Princess took Toad as a protection device.
"Dammit," grinned Dave. "Well, looks like it's a clear victory for Wario-"
"He left a few months ago!" smiled Jim. Each racer piled into their kart as they were called. "So let's welcome our backup cast: Shy Guy, Shy Guy, Shy Guy, Shy Guy, Shy Guy, Shy Guy, Shy Guy, and last year's winner, the crowd favourite-"
"Can you smell what Shy Guy's cooking?!" grinned Dave almost angrily, as a slightly bigger Shy Guy was introduced.
"Mario Kart race!" cheered Yoshi. "Yeah-ha-awesome, I wanna watch!"
"I remember this place," said DK, smiling at the memories. "Back in the simple days, when we just raced occasionally, that was fun..."
"Me too!" grinned Peach. "Mr. Bowser, don't you remember this place?"
"Yeah Bowser-a, you were a good driver-a!" smiled Mario.
"I don't recall," replied Bowser.
"Really-a?" asked Mario. "The eight of us-a got into karts, and we competed for-a many cups!"
"Doesn't ring a bell," said Bowser.
"Girls in two-pieces held up the chequered-a flags," added Mario, frowning.
"Oh yeah..." sighed Bowser and Ike dreamily.
"You weren't there, infidel," pointed out Wario.
"I thought we were just sharing memories," admitted Ike sheepishly.
Everyone else in the group had lost interest by this point, and decided to walk over to the stands to watch the race.
"What do you think the race will be like?" Kirby idly asked Fox, as they walked up past the commentators.
"Amazing!" grinned Fox, promptly being sued.
"See?!" pointed out Jim. Dave kept grinning, and flipped Jim the bird.
"Hey-a, look, another Assist-a Trophy!" noticed Mario, pulling a glass tube out from under his seat. "This race is-a more boring than watching-a The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race-a! Maybe it'll lighten things up!"
A purple-clad plumber appeared from the Assist Trophy, waving a tennis racket around in a special manner. Yes, that kind of special. No, I'm not making fun of them. In fact, I know a close personal friend who's of that persuasion. He's a real trooper. I mean myself, by the way.
"Dur hur, hey guy-as!" chortled Waluigi.
"Oh, hey-a Waluigi..." said Mario flatly.
"Yeah, hi," said Wario shortly.
"YAHA HI MARIO!" cheered Waluigi, running up to Mario wildly.
"Oh god, no-a!" panicked Mario.
"Ha! Dude, he's giving you the special hug!" laughed Bowser.
"I gave your mom the special hug," said Ike.
"You're both so immature," Samus sighed, rolling her eyes.
"Immature gonna plough your momma!" retorted Bowser.
"Nice!" applauded Ike, hi-fiving Bowser.
Waluigi hugged Mario passionately, running his hands down his body, freeing the beast that lived in those overalls- I am seriously not writing a Mario-on-Waluigi hug scene. Waluigi realised what he was doing, and kicked Mario to the floor.
"Bad touch! Bad touch!" whined Waluigi.
"You violated me-a, shut up-a!" argued Mario, being comforted by his friends and loved ones, as all you victims should.
"This kind of treatment should be expected from him," said Wario. "Why, back when we were living together, I'd wake up to find him naked at the foot of my bed with a bowlful of blueberries. I kept resisting, but I never succeeded. I've still got a blue stain on my right hip; it's a souvenir more painful than any scar..."
Wario paused to see everyone looking at him, horrified.
"Go on..." coaxed Pit slowly.
Waluigi hit Mario indecently with his tennis racket. Mario was left sobbing on the ground.
"Mr. Mario, I hope you learned your lesson about undermining me!" snapped Peach, as Mario lay bleeding.
"Dur hur hur hur!" laughed Waluigi, running on to the track.
"Are you-a seriously bringing this up-a now?" sobbed Mario, as Waluigi stole a Shy Guy.
"Maybes someone from this others trophy can heal the unhealable woundses?" proposed Diddy, pulling up a second Assist Trophy.
A peaceful looking star landed on the floor of the stands, and looked around. He dusted himself off, lighting up everything with a heavenly glow. Everyone looked at each other, puzzled, except for Pikachu.
"Some say that Dr. Wright encountered Stafy in his trials..." Pikachu reminded himself. "The old legends spoke of you..."
"Hello, my children," smiled Stafy. He turned to address Pikachu. "Yes, my child, the doctor sought after me. He knew the magical healing powers I possess, and – oh my, what happened to this man?"
Stafy looked over at Mario.
"He was violateds, sir," said Diddy. "By that mans."
Diddy pointed down at Waluigi, who was playfully chasing after the terrified Shy Guy racers.
"Well, perhaps I can heal him..." Stafy mused serenely.
"I think I can do it," said Snake. "I had medical training in the milita-"
Stafy jumped up and bitch-slapped Snake. "I'LL DO IT. I AM DOING IT!!" yelled Stafy.
And with that, the little star pranced merrily over to Mario. Snake waited until he was out of earshot, and then whimpered softly.
"Strong Snake...strong Snake..." whispered Snake, tears slowly streaming down his face. He tried and failed to keep a steady palm.
Stafy tapped Mario gently on the nose, star power emanating from his very essence. The otherworldly energy filled Mario, trying valiantly to remove the trauma caused by Waluigi's playful advances...
It didn't work, so Stafy hit Mario with a chair.
"What-a happened?" asked Mario.
"And now he has no recollection of what Waluigi did," said Stafy simply, clapping his hands in celebration of the wonder that he was.
Everyone collectively blinked.
"That's completely-"argued Link.
"May Wright shine over you, Stafy!" sniffed Pikachu tearfully.
"Hey, what's that thing?" asked Lucas nervously, pointing up at a falling object. "It's really big!"
"I recognise that thing!" gasped Samus. "Everyone, get away from the thing! Do it now!"
"Scatter!" whimpered Yoshi, running around in circles.
"Women and children last!" bellowed Ike, carrying Bowser up the stands with great difficulty.
"Stafy, save us!" cried Pikachu, desperately watching as all his friends scattered.
Stafy blinked, and disappeared.
"Noooooo!" yelled Pikachu in dismay. "How could you-"
He was unable to complete his thought, as the large falling object had completely crushed Mario Circuit, complete with its very own matching huge explosion.
"My god, they're dead!" cried Pikachu, opening his eyes to the aftermath.
Just in case this is the last chapter before 15th October, I just want to congratulate myself – it's been a hell of a year, and I've definitely improved a lot from the lowly swill that was the early chapters!
Only problem is, while the dialogue seems to get you people laughing, I need to flex my technical writing...lobe...seeing as how I can't do descriptions for crap. Oh well, as long as people like it!
Speculate what'll happen next, discuss stuff, or tell me you're lifting the restraining order, whatever you want because you're all perfect in the eyes of Dr. Wright and Stafy. Oh, and me. Duh.