It has come to be – the story is no longer an improv-fueled-parodies-and-very-close-references-to-stuff-make-fun-of-things-as-I-go-along type of affair. Believe it or not, I actually have plans for later events, including shocking revelations, badass moments, and a stupid little thing called the final chapter. I'll also probably end up ripping off more ideas. Oh, and thanks for over 200 reviews, and especially to the two who've been reading, reviewing, etc since the beginning over a year ago. You two are awesome, and most likely know who you are.
The author is considering making the fun facts true starting now. Consequently, they might start getting less fun.
Chapter 35 went through about six or seven different titles.
The fun facts will be fake again next chapter.
Rebuilding
Chapter 36: Spit or Swallow?
Dear Overlord, from none other than the Ancient Minister,
Forgive me, but I must address some new issues. Krystal and I captured a Pokemon, and we're detecting high amounts of Aura coming from it. However, you told me before my mission started that the only bearers of Aura were yourself and your...friend.
Would this mean that other beings out there possess Aura too? Where is this extra Aura coming from? And why, Overlord, have you not told me this before?
In the Hall of Memories, the Green Alloy fell over dead. Wolf put away his Blaster, and looked around cautiously. No sound, no indication to the other Alloys, nothing.
"Okay, no more Alloys," said Wolf briskly. "Now then, do you recognize this capsule?"
Ganondorf and Jigglypuff looked at the capsule. Cold metal encased a perfectly rigid figure of a man who looked like a boy. Neither Smasher had really paid much attention to the capsule until now. Ganondorf doubted this was the correct capsule – until he saw the remains of the ropes that bound Falco and himself to the thing...so long ago...
"Yeah, this is it," replied Ganondorf in a low voice.
"Hopefully, there's something around here that'll show us what happened here, and where the defeated Smash Brother is now," muttered Wolf, looking cautiously around the room. Eventually, he spotted a surveillance camera in a corner of the ceiling. "Ah ha, there we go."
Wolf picked up Jigglypuff, who silently got down the camera and gave it to him. Wolf took the tape out of the surveillance camera, and used one of the random gadgets on his belt to tap into the audio.
"I expected you to be saying stupid stuff by now," admitted Ganondorf, looking down on Jigglypuff. Not because he's better or anything, because Jigglypuff is f'in' awesome, but rather because of the considerable height difference.
Jigglypuff nodded silently, then finally spoke up: "I just realised how scary all this is!"
Wolf pretended to ignore both, but once again felt a twinge of worry as he began playing the audio from the camera's tape.
"It's good to see you back here again, my friend," droned a first voice.
"Damn you, Ancient Minister! I came back because someone needs to destroy you – and fast!" yelled a second voice.
"Your pitiful friends have been thrown into the past. I am on course to destroy the only person who can help you SSB fools. My master is allowing me to harness this world's ultimate power. All of this paired with my coup de grace? You have no chance of winning."
"You talk big for a coward hiding in a cloak!"
"Keep insulting me, its incentive for me to have you destroyed sooner."
"What's the capsule thing behind you?"
"A good friend, that's all. I must go now; it seems my target is heading to Princess Peach's Castle with the pathetic balloon Pokemon in tow."
"Sure, I'll just stay here and trash this capsule! It's not even moving!"
"Oh yes, I had nearly forgotten. Thank you for reminding me. Porky, activate!"
The second voice suddenly shook. "Wait! What's happening to this thing?"
"Try to die without asking so many questions, will you?"
The sounds of lasers and other weapons, and the second voice cried out in anguish.
The audio ended in the middle of the pained screams. Wolf and the two Smashers stood silently for several eternity-long seconds.
"It ends after that," said Wolf, breaking the silence. "From my little talk with the Red Alloy, I'm guessing Master Hand sent them here to search for the Smash Brother it attacked, and to shut down-what did he call it, Porky? I'm just wondering, how did they ever reactivate this capsule?"
"Maybe they set it on fire!" suggested Jigglypuff.
"Shut up," snapped Ganondorf, trying to concentrate.
"No, really, there's purple fire down here!" cried Jigglypuff, pointing at the base of the capsule.
"No wonder he wants her to shut up..." Wolf muttered, contemplating something. "Listen, Master Hand told me some facts about the Super Smash Brothers on my way to Corneria. The purple fire is called Aura. Master Hand and Crazy Hand, his brother, created the Aura in the hopes that they would find a fighter to harness it. Unfortunately, the Aura was split into Malevolent Aura, and Benevolent Aura."
"So where are the Auras?" asked Ganondorf, the name reminding him of a Pokemon of some kind. "And why didn't the hands tell us anything about it?"
"I don't know!" retorted Wolf. "I wasn't told any more than that! We just need to find them, and unite them with something in Final Destination, that's all he told me!" He then added in an undertone, "I can figure some more of it out..."
"Then figure it out!" yelled Ganondorf.
"I can't! I don't have a clue!" yelled Wolf back.
"You remind me of me sometimes!" Jigglypuff grinned innocently.
"Shut up!" shouted Wolf and Ganondorf, both swivelling to face Jigglypuff.
"So where do we find the Smasher who got beat by this thing?" snarled Ganondorf, jerking his head back at the capsule.
"We're not going to, this is more important!" snapped Wolf.
Wolf and Ganondorf stared each other down again, and Jigglypuff sighed.
Chaos erupted in the Mario Circuit, as the Smashers ran for their lives. It all proved futile however, as the large falling object landed on top of the circuit, trapping everyone.
Kirby stood up shakily, and looked around the wreckage of the large...room...he was inside.
"Well, that sucked more than Pit at some funny gay place..." groaned Kirby, dusting himself off. "Why do I feel heavier? No, screw that question, what is this thing, and why'd it crush us? Yeah, they're better questions."
Kirby waddled around for a couple seconds, and picked up a body without looking at it. A whiff of cigarette smoke, and Kirby quickly identified the body as Snake.
"Uh-oh...hey, Snake?" asked Kirby, lightly throwing the body gently onto a pile of scrap metal.
Snake woke up with a start and whipped out his pistol. Because it just wouldn't be funny without some innuendo thrown in there.
"Who are you? Who sent you?" asked Snake quickly, his eyes darting around.
"I'm Kirby, jackass," frowned Kirby. "Do you know what this thing is, where it came from, or whatever?"
"No," replied Snake. "Say, have you gained weight?"
"Ah, good, Kirby, Snake, you're both okay," said Samus sharply, walking over to the two with Fox behind her.
"That was so fun!" cheered Fox, pulling shrapnel, shards of glass, and some fur out of his skin. "Do-over, please, do-over!"
"Wow, Kirby, you're looking kind of big," said Samus.
"Yeah, I think you should go on the Atkins diet!" recommended Fox brightly. "Did I say Atkins? I meant Fatkins! Hahaha, I'm so funny!"
"Shut up, 'tard," grunted Kirby irritably.
"Samus, where are we?" asked Snake, as Fox laughed hysterically at his own...comedic wit...yeah.
"This is a Space Pirate Frigate," replied Samus off-handedly. "Must have been teleported here as an attack from the Subspace Army."
Kirby, Snake, and Fox looked around the frigate as Samus turned to a stasis tube behind them.
"And that's the Parasite Queen," added Samus. "I killed her before...the Army must have revived her...she's still in stasis, so she shouldn't be a problem."
"Amazing how you can be so calm about all this," said Kirby.
"Isn't that Pikachu?" asked Snake, pointing over at a huddled body.
The four walked over to Pikachu, who screamed in alarm.
"My god, they're dead!" cried Pikachu. "They got crushed! How will I ever go on-yo, Kirby, you're kind of fat-I can't believe they're gone!"
Pikachu showed everyone the crushed, dead bodies of Jim and Dave, the two Koopa commentators.
"Who were they again?" asked Fox.
Pikachu burst into tears, mourning the loss of these two important and central characters.
"Good thing it wasn't anyone that any of us care about," chuckled Kirby. "I don't know what I'd do if someone anyone gives a damn about died, but luckily it was these two. The ones nobody cares about. If anyone else were to die, I hope it's someone we don't care about."
...
"I mean Pit," added Kirby.
"Ahhh," nodded Samus, Snake and Pikachu, understanding.
...
...
"The angel guy," finished Kirby.
"Ahhh," nodded Fox, understanding.
"Is everyone alright-a?" panicked Mario, running over. Meta-Knight followed him, looking cautious. "Oh god-a, we're too late-a! Kirby's already become-a obese with injury-a!"
"You weren't a real doctor when you were Dr. Mario, were you?" asked Meta-Knight. "But yes, Kirby is suspiciously heavy..."
"Will everyone just shut the hell up with that?" asked Kirby irritably.
"Hey, did you guys find anyone else?" asked Snake, studying Meta-Knight with mild interest.
"Nope, but we found this in the wreckage," replied Meta-Knight, showing Snake a glowing ball with two bands of light around it. "No idea what it is, but it definitely looks like something we should hang onto."
Everyone looked at the ball, but suddenly a vivid blue arrow whizzed past everyone.
"Nobody moves and nobody gets hurt!" screeched Zelda's voice from on top of a pile of rubble. "Everyone stay down!"
"Zelda, it's-a us!" cried Mario in alarm.
Zelda shot Mario in the arm with an arrow.
"Thanks for the weapon, Pit!" thanked Zelda, turning to Pit, who was behind her.
"Zelda, Pit, I think it's really them," panted Donkey Kong, coming up behind them and catching his breath. "Except for that pink puffball, he looks like Kirby, but it's too fat to be him."
"Shut the fu-"- Pit squealed at how large Kirby was – "ck up!"
Zelda span around on one foot, punched Donkey Kong, and kicked him in the shins, breaking his leg.
"I don't care who it is!" screamed Zelda. "But this is the perfect time to murder someone and claim the falling thing did it!"
"Where are we?" asked Pit, looking around.
"The Frigate Orpheon," replied Samus again.
Zelda shoved DK and Pit off of her pile, and then climbed down gently. "So who's still alive? Let's see..." She counted herself, Donkey Kong, Pit, Mario, Meta-Knight, Pikachu, Fox, Samus, Snake and Kirby. "That sure means a lot of deaths!" Zelda grinned enthusiastically.
"We don't know that," argued Meta-Knight.
Zelda raised her hand to stab him, but saw the orb Meta-Knight was holding.
"What's that thing?" demanded Zelda. Without waiting for an answer, she kicked Meta-Knight in the eye and stole the glowing orb.
"It's a shiny-shine!" cheered Fox. "Yay shiny shiny shiny shiny-"
Zelda bit Fox's pulse, punched him in the face a few hundred times, and then threw him in a corner.
"Maybe it's an accessory!" assumed Pit stereotypically.
Copy and paste the line two lines above this for Pit.
"Zelda," began DK, but he saw the look on Zelda's face, "Um, maybe...we should...be careful with that thing...in case you hurt us...I MEAN...the thing's dangerous and we hurt ourselves?"
"Your arm's too big to eat your pulse!" screamed Zelda, throwing the orb at DK. At once, DK's broken leg was healed.
"What the hell?" asked Zelda angrily.
"Wow, looks like it's some kind of healer thing!" laughed DK, flexing his leg. "We should give it to the rest of the team! We can call it a Team Healer!"
"Looks like the Space Pirates were making these in case I ever returned," noticed Samus, pointing at a shimmer in the distance. "There are a lot of them over there."
Within a few uninteresting minutes, everyone was over there. Pit picked one up, and broke it off of his arm.
Immediately, Pit's chewed pulse was healed and he was as sprightly as a young man of his persuasion should be. Pit squealed, again, like a young man of his persuasion, and passed Team Healers to everyone.
"Wow, I feel happy again!" clapped Fox, as he regained the ability to not have a chewed pulse.
"Hey-a, maybe the Healers can-a heal Kirby of his morbid obesity-a!" chuckled Mario.
"Okay, that's it!" grunted Kirby angrily. "I'm tired of this!"
Kirby ate Mario, and at once, a Mario hat appeared on his head. The real Mario popped out as if from nowhere, and scolded Kirby.
"Kirby-a!" yelled Mario. "What have we told you-a? Spit, don't swallow-a!"
"Wha-what's this now?" stammered Pit, a goofy smile spreading across his face.
"Shut up, Pit," said Kirby. "Figures it had to be you who makes me hate my awesome copying powers..."
"You can do what?" asked Snake, himself and Pit being the only two present who didn't know about Kirby's mad skillz, yo.
"Yeah, uh, I eat people and steal their powers," explained Kirby. "Watch and cower."
Kirby effortlessly threw a Fireball, assuming the exact same pose Mario would do.
"Impressive..." marvelled Snake, stroking his sandpaper-like chin, which made his hand bleed. Snake wiped it on Pit's face.
"It wasn't-a just me!" protested Mario. "In the five-a seconds I was in there, I found out-a why he's so big! He swallowed most of our friends-a in the confusion after the frigate crashed on-a us!"
"I was going to wait until we were somewhere a little safer," said Kirby irritably. "But fine, I'll let them out..."
Kirby strained, and tried to expel the food he had just eaten. My god, this is some Nickelodeon-esque toilet humor. I'm so sorry.
Wario popped out first, as Kirby got his biker helmet.
"Merciful Allah, I'm free!" celebrated Wario. "Free from the incarceration of the pink one!"
With just one expulsion, Kirby had lost a lot of weight. "Ah...that's better..." Kirby sighed.
"I'm not that morbidly obese..." sulked Wario.
Kirby huffed, and puffed, and eventually Peach appeared, changing the biker helmet to a crown.
"Mr. Kirby, while that was repulsive, I want to thank you for saving our lives in there!" Peach grinned. "But once again, I want to bring up the dropped plot point that you gave Mr. Mario advice which he prioritized over me, so my knapsack of emotions is telling me to still be mad at you!"
"Whatever," shrugged Kirby, not caring. "I'm keeping Toad by the way."
"And Mr. Mario, I think we should just stay friends," decided Peach, upturning her nose at the sign of Mario.
"No-a!" cried Mario despondently.
"Ha, dude, know what that means?" taunted Kirby. "That's basically her telling you that she's hot, you're not, and she wants to keep you around to slowly torture your mind with all the tales of hotter guys she dates until you finally crack and kill yourself!"
Mario burst into tears.
"Happy suicide, buddy-aaaaugh!" chuckled Kirby, before being slashed from the inside. "Whoever I ate and saved with the sword, cut it out!"
"Oh, sorry, Kirby," apologised Link, stepping out as Kirby got his hat. "You're surprisingly roomy though, I was impressed."
"Thanks," said Kirby, dead-pan.
"Come on out, you guys!" called Link.
"Yo, yo, Kirbs, you is so a wide load, homie," smiled Dedede, trying to hi-five Kirby as he climbed out.
"Take your stupid hat off my head before I ducking kill you," grunted Kirby typo-ishly.
"Mac, if you just lets me puts in an extension, we can uses you as some kinds of walkin' hotels or something on our travels!" chuckled Diddy, hopping out of Kirby as the latter lost more weight.
"Your accent's already funny, you don't have to try jokes," retorted Kirby flatly, punching his stomach in boredom. "Just take your cap and-ow! OW! Dammit!"
Yoshi was standing on Kirby's bottom lip. "Man, guys, is it awesome down there or what?"
"'et off my 'ucking lip, 'ouchebag," warbled Kirby, trying valiantly to speak.
"Oh, sorry," apologised Yoshi. He immediately tripped on Kirby's lip, face-planted, and hit Kirby in the eye with his tail.
"Trip on this next!" demanded a gleeful Zelda, putting a mace in front of Yoshi.
While Yoshi tripped over the mace and Zelda clapped, Pokemon Trainer climbed out of Kirby.
"I am so glad you opened up to us all, Kirby," smiled Pokemon Trainer. "After all, sharing is caring. You also have exceptional oral hygiene, and I would gladly take another venture into the catacombs of your stomach."
"This might just be the most homo-erotic five minutes of my life," Kirby sighed. "Are you all nearly out?"
"I was the second-to-last person out," grinned Pokemon Trainer, immune to Kirby's insult.
"Good, so this should be a breez-oh the agonizing pain holy crap get the hell out of me in a way less painful!" screamed Kirby.
"Ahhh, quit your bitching," snapped Bowser, climbing out of Kirby (and stretching his mouth to pieces in the process). One of his spikes ripped a chunk of Kirby's face off.
"Healer! Healer!" yelled Kirby desperately.
One Team Healer and a lot of hats returned to people later, Kirby fell asleep as everyone else counted themselves.
"Okay, is anyone not here?" asked Link calmly.
Everyone looked around, while trying to remember everybody in the group.
"I think so..."
"Yeah, maybe..."
"Oh my Wright!" gasped Pikachu. "Ike, Lucas, the Ice Climbers and Sonic are gone!"
"Oh no!" cried Yoshi. "What if they're dead? Oh man, what if the thing on this frigate that killed them is after us! I'm so scared!"
Yoshi relieved himself five times, laying waste eggs everywhere.
"Okay, now I'm better," Yoshi sighed with relief.
Ike, Lucas, Nana, Popo, and Sonic burst out of the eggs, all looking disgusted.
"Yoshi, what the hell?" demanded Ike.
"Why have I been inside people's mouths twice now?" asked Lucas, shivering.
"Yeah, Yoshi, couldn't you have spat instead?" asked Popo.
Nana punched Popo. "Don't question him!"
...
"Yoshi, why didn't you just spit us out?" demanded Nana.
"You're such a freak, dude," scoffed Sonic.
"Ahh, you should have been inside Kirby," Yoshi told them as a rebuttal. "Being inside him was great!"
"I hate the events of this chapter so much," grunted Kirby. Pit lit a cigarette, looking suspiciously satisfied with everything going on around him.
Jigglypuff looked nervously back and forth between Wolf and Ganondorf, desperately trying to think of a way to resolve their conflict.
"Uh, Wolf, did you say the good Aura guy was a Pokemon?" asked Jigglypuff hesitantly.
"Yes, I did," replied Wolf. "But there's nearly five hundred different Pokemon –"
"Four hundred and ninety-three," smiled Jigglypuff proudly.
"Can't spell her own name, but she knows that..." muttered Ganondorf.
"-so how are we supposed to know which one's the Aura Pokemon?" asked Wolf, raising his voice slightly.
"It's Lucario," interrupted Master Hand's voice from inside Wolf's head.
"Master Hand, are you talking to me again in my head?" asked Wolf. He quickly realised what a futile question that was.
"And Lucario's in the Mushroom Kingdom," continued Master Hand. "Looks like I started listening in just in time..."
"Well," said Wolf, addressing Jigglypuff and Ganondorf, "looks like we know which Pokemon it is and where. Now we just have to get it before the Minister..."
"Hurry Wolf, Lucario's in danger!" alerted Master Hand. "The Ancient Minister was following you to the Mushroom Kingdom! He's performed at least one new brainwash!"
"What?" gasped Wolf. "Who? Who did he get?"
"One of the Star Fox team...Krystal," reported Master Hand. "It's likely she's not the only person the Minister has gained control of!"
With that, Master Hand's voice left. Wolf shook his head, and turned back to Jigglypuff and Ganondorf.
"Come on," said Wolf, indicating the door to the two Smashers.
"Where are we going this time?" snapped Ganondorf.
"We're going," retorted Wolf irritably, "to get the Benevolent Aura..."
Will the new SSB escape the Frigate Orpheon? Who was attacked by Porky's capsule? When will the story end? Why haven't I realised I've already done the question thing a few times before?
Read, review, speculate, cry about how your favourites got neglected, and the usual. There's a fifty-point bonus if you use the word "the" in your review. (wink)