A/n: Sensitive subject matter – this FF is M rated
Boy, You're Going To Carry That Weight
EPOV
I tried calling her
And then I tried, again.
And again.
Her phone was still turned off and my frustration and panic, combined. I was worried that this was my fault. Had I pushed her when she wasn't ready? Did she regret it?
I thought it was what she wanted. I thought it had just came so naturally to us.
Was I wrong?
Was my own need for self gratification blurring my vision.
I did all I could do. I got ready and began to search for her, all over again.
I knew she wasn't in my apartment. The fact that her dress wasn't still strewn on the floor meant she was wearing it.
I hoped I was seeing wrong, that when I walked through to the lounge she would be making breakfast and wearing my sweats and t-shirt with the dress slung over a chair.
She wasn't there and the dress wasn't lying over the back of some chair either. Both of them were gone.
I quickly got dressed and grabbed my keys, heading for the front door and to my car.
I wondered if she was feeling okay. She said she left early because she was unwell and I wasn't sure if I believed her, but maybe she really wasn't feeling well and maybe she just wanted her own bed to feel crap in.
But I was so sure she had lied last night. She left the wedding and that was her shoddy excuse. I knew I was right.
Had something happened between her and another guest? Had some one came up to her in the bathroom and had words.
I had told her to come to me if that were the case. Why hadn't she?
My mind raced. I was beginning to feel like I was losing my mind.
What if she had hurt herself after I had made love to her. Was she repulsed by me and at what had happened between us? Did it cause her to remember a bad incident with another man?
I needed to stop. I was feeling sick with worry.
I had made it to her front door, her fathers police cruiser was gone but her truck still lay parked at the edge of the road.
It was daylight so no indication of light to tell me if she was in her room. Realizing her father must be at work, I opened the door.
Well I tried. It was locked. Why was it locked? It was never bloody locked. Not even when it was empty, was it locked. It was Forks, it was the kind of place you could do that without bother.
I was sure Bella was inside and she was determined to keep me locked out.
Doing the only thing I could, I chapped.
There was no answer.
So I chapped again and again.
Still nothing. Not a sound, not a flicker. Not a speck of life.
"Bella." I banged on the door furiously. She must have been in. her truck was parked outside.
Still nothing.
I battered both fists off the door practically screaming her name from my lungs. "Bella, open this door, now."
I was positive she was inside and I wasn't worried to attempted to break the door in if I needed too.
Suddenly I saw her face. She appeared at her bedroom window. "Will you be quiet. I have neighbours." She nipped at me.
"Open the door, Bella." I demanded.
"I'm not feeling well." She sighed at me and suddenly I was beginning to think I was acting the fool. Had she been resting, feeling ill and here I was, almost kicking her front door in.
"Come down and let me see you." I tried to be a little softer, trying to forget my anger and panic.
"I'm fine. I just need some quiet." She promised.
"You can get that at mine." I argued back.
Her hair swung in the breeze and I was desperate to run my fingers through it once again and check her over and try to make her feel better.
"Edward...Please. I just need some time alone." I felt panic at those words.
She wanted to be alone.
I was kicking myself. I knew I should have resisted her last night. I should have been a bigger man and only have held her.
"Please, just come to the door and let me see that you're okay. I'll leave you then." I rose my eyebrows, hoping she realized that I wasn't wanting to shout up to her about us being intimate.
If she regretted it I needed to know.
She sighed again. "I'll be right down." and with it, I heard her window frame slide shut.
She was at the door in seconds, unlocking it. "Edward...I'm not feeling well." She looked fine.
I was worried with the fact she wasn't inviting me in and that she seemed to keep her self shut back from the door, only her head was visible.
I pushed against the door and her and she stumbled back, too small to fight me off.
"Edward..." She argued loudly, obviously aggravated at the fact I had just stomped right past her and in to her house that she tired to lock herself in.
"I'm a doctor. Let me check you over." I tried to smile but I was becoming suspicious at her nervous behaviour.
She twitched, which wasn't too unusual for Bella, but it was more than what I was use to seeing from her.
I looked around the house. It was completely empty. Only a brief panic flushed through me at the prospects of meeting Jacob here.
"I'm fine. I just need the quiet. I have a really sore head." she told me a little pointedly but you could see her trying to be a little kinder with her words.
"I got up and you were gone...I was worried." I looked up at her and reached for her face, thumbing her cheek.
Her head moved closer to my touch. "I'm fine. Like I say, I'm just not feeling too great." her eyes closed as she kept her head in my hand.
I brought her closer to me, hugging her, needing her.
"Are you sure? I never hurt you or anything did I?" I thought I had been so careful to love her gently.
She smiled at me gently. "No, Edward. It was perfect. Really. It was great." Her tone was sincere and I believed her.
I kissed her head and released her but I tugged onto her hand, leading her to the couch.
I made her sit down and I knelt in front of her. "What do you feel is wrong?" I asked, my inner doctor coming out to play.
"Nothing really. I just have a sore head and feel a little light headed." She told me automatically.
I nodded at her words. "Was this how you felt when you left the party?" I asked carefully.
Bella nodded.
"Did you still feel like that when...when we..." Made love. I didn't want to call it that, not after I wasn't right sure of the words I had heard when I had fallen asleep. But I definitely wasn't just going to call it sex.
It was love. Everything about it was love.
She shook her head this time. "No it went away. I just need a lie down and it will go away again."
I nodded at her words.
"Can I get you anything, any food? A drink?" I offered. I would have waited on her, hand on foot. Happily.
"No. I'm fine. Just go home. Relax and catch up with Alice." She smiled at me.
"Do you want to see Alice?" I asked carefully. Her and Jasper were to head back to Seattle later this evening.
"No." She answered a little too quickly. "Just you go and see her. Tell her I love her...and that I'll call her in a couple of days."
She was edgy again, suddenly twitching away once more.
I nodded, letting her know I would pass on the message to Alice.
Standing up, I sighed. "I need the bathroom." I informed her as I excused myself and climbing the stairs.
I didn't need the bathroom but I had a feeling Bella was lying about something. There was something off with her behaviour and it would be obvious a mile away.
I sneaked into her room, opening the door.
Looking at her side table was a half glass of cola and about a dozen pills.
I wasn't sure what they were. They had been emptied from there bottle of burst from there blister pack and I couldn't think from what was printed on them, what they were. I began to look around the room, searching out the evidence.
Tucked hidden below her duvet cover was empty blister packs of Aspirin. There must have been about fifty pills popped and I was sure I had interrupted her.
Why would she have kept empty packets under her bed covers?
She was halfway through an overdose.
I raced back down the stairs knowing fine well what she had done. The sudden change in behaviour.
She never had a sore head. She couldn't have, not will all those pills.
Her smile fell as soon as she saw the look on mine and she realized she had been caught. She stood up and tried to rush out away from me.
"Bella..." I called her name loud, warning her of my anger. She was unsure of what way to try to escape me, padding on her bare feet in various directions.
"Has your sore head left you yet with all those pills?" I strode towards her, capturing her hands tight, determined not to let her get anywhere.
"I don't know what you're talking about." She lied. I could tell.
Dragging her through to the kitchen, I grasped at her waist, holding her in to me.
She fought and she wriggled and she tried to escape but I wasn't letting her go.
I reached for the salt dish and headed to the sink, pinning her in-between myself and the unit.
I was sure by now that I was hurting her but she had no idea the pain she was about to cause if she never got them out of her system.
"You're hurting me." She tried to make me feel guilty, but I wasn't going to let her tone or words sink in.
"I'm hurting you?" I yelled in her face. "Do you know the pain and the damage you are going to cause. The agony you will feel if I don't stop this."
I filled up a glass of water and as I reached the salt dish, she knocked it over to the floor, smashing it.
"Fuck, Bella. I'm saving you're life. You don't want to know the pain you will be in. You don't. It's agonizing and there is nothing to stop it once it begins. We need them out now." I still shouted at her and she still thrashed below me.
I reached for another glass, keeping it further from her this time. I filled it up with the salt and water and capturing her jaw in my hand, I tried to force the concoction back her throat.
She tried like hell to avoid the glass. But I held her tight, so tight I could feel my hand tremble along the bone of her face. I felt like I was going to break her. I knew I was at least bruising her. And It made me feel sick.
"Just drink it, Bella." I shouted again, forcing the drink down her throat.
She was drowning in it so there was no other option, but to drink it.
I felt her almost convulse at the taste, her gag reflex kicking in at the salt and letting her go of her, she began to throw up in the sink.
She coughed and spluttered, the water and the pills making there way back up. Back out of her system.
She began to still and I grabbed her tight again. "Just go with it, Bella." I pleaded she would but she tried to fight me off again, breaking down in hard solid sobs.
My gut gnawed and I felt sick and I felt ashamed of myself, for being able to cause that. I hated myself but I loved her too much to let her go.
I forced the rest of the drink on her once again and she began to throw up, being sick once more.
She tried to fight me away and I let go of her, giving her what she wanted.
Of course she didn't want me.
As I let go of her, she slumped down so I quickly, caught her once again.
She still sobbed but I wasn't finished yet.
I dragged her out to my car, her body too exhausted to fight any more. I sat her in the passengers seat, belting her up before I raced her to the hospital to make sure there was no serious damage done.
"I hate you." her words rang in my ears and I hated myself for putting her through this. But it was her own fault. I wasn't giving up on her. I wasn't just going to let her slip off that edge.
Something had brought her to this moment and I was determined to get to the bottom of it.
Her words were groggy from the drugs she had been fed and her eyes struggled to focus on me.
"I don't care, Bella. Hate me all you want. I'm not letting you die." I pulled at my hair, infuriated by myself and infuriated at her lack of want to survive.
Why was she doing this?
Why was she doing this to me?
Couldn't she see everything I would do for her. I would give her the world if she would just stay with me.
Tanya silently worked away at Bella, adjusting her drip and taking more blood from her.
"Get him out of here." She ordered to Tanya.
I sighed. "Give it up, Bella. I'm not going anywhere. Your dad has your rights and he left you in my care. I'm not going anywhere." I was firm with my words and I could see her flinch at me, seeing that she wasn't getting rid of me.
"I'm not moving until Charlie says." I wasn't moving. Even an order from Charlie would still have to be forced.
"Maybe give her some time to rest, Edward." Tanya tried to be kind to Bella, to let her have the peace she wanted. I wasn't standing for it.
"No. I'm not leaving her. She can lie there and watch me and I'll stand here and watch her breath."
I was being a total bastard and I knew it but my anger was bubbling out of control at the realization.
She wanted to be dead. She didn't want to keep herself alive for me.
What the hell was last night then?
"Edward..." Tanya scolded me, trying to pull me back to reality and the fragility of the situation.
I collapsed down in the seat next to her bed. "Why did you do it, Bella? You were making progress." She had been doing good. She was talking about it all. She needed to let the out side world see it, but she was telling me everything.
Was that what had caused it, being at the wedding and struggling to cope with them all finding out the truth.
"It's my life. What does it matter to you what I do?" That was the hardest words I had heard come from Bella.
I jumped back up out my seat. "What does it matter?" I repeated her words in shock. "What does it matter?" I asked again. "All I have done is try to help you. Do you know the time and effort I have put into you." My tone broke and I felt myself begin to wilt at continuously running into this wall.
"I'll leave you too it." Tanya's words were quiet as she crept out of the room.
"I shouldn't be time and effort. You should be spending time with someone that actually deserves it." She tried to argue back. Her voice still groggy.
"You do deserve it." I wasn't giving up in her. Not if Charlie didn't order me away at least. "Bella, you deserve everything. You deserve so much. You have been through hell. That doesn't mean you deserve to stay there. You need to stop this." I was spent with this constant battle. It was so hard.
I wanted to break down in tears and beg for her to stay with me, to tell her that she was all I wanted. I wanted to make her promise that she would spend forever with me.
I heard the door open and looking at it, Charlie appeared. I knew I had lost my time to be completely honest with her now.
"What's happened?" He asked tiredly. His features looked years older than he was and it was Bella who had done it to him. The worry he had for his daughter, this precious part of him.
I looked at her, waiting for her to tell him the story.
Her eyes never met his and they never met mine either. She was refusing to speak.
I began to tell what I could. "I woke up and she was gone. Last night had been good so I didn't know why she had left. We hadn't fallen out. I went over to your house and I caught her half way though an overdose attempt." I didn't need to go into details right now.
He nodded his head, taking in my words. "Her face?" He asked, her jaw was now covered in bruises from when I had held her. My thumbs marks, pressed into her neck.
I felt so disgusted and sick at myself but I knew I had meant no harm to her. It was impossible to fight her like I had without marking her.
"I made her drink salt water so she would throw them back up...She put up a fight. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt her. I...I was trying to save her." My tone cracked and I was surprised to find a comforting hand of Charlies on my shoulder as he moved closer towards me.
"It's okay...I understand." he whispered out as he moved closer to Bella.
"Bella..?" he was so expectant of her, he wanted an answer and he wanted it now.
"It's his fault." she protested, directing her blame at me. "He slept with me."
Everything pause and the air left me.
Her words were like a dagger to the heart.
I couldn't believe she had just said it.
I jumped towards her instantly and pushed Charlie out of my way to get to her.
"How could you say that, Bella?" How could she think I had just slept with her? I had tried to show everything I had felt. I grabbed at her arm, pulling her towards me. "You have to ruin everything, Bella. Why do you have to do it?" I screamed the words in her face and I couldn't help. I had lost it.
I loved this girl and she was hanging me out to dry.
Charlie's grip on my arm was firm and he pulled me away from Bella. I dropped her arm and pulled away from her altogether. I moved across the room a little, wanting away form her but not wanting to leave her at the same time.
"Edward, it's okay. I know the lies she can make up. Trust me. I've head them all." I hated myself even more. He thought she was lying. He didn't believe his own daughter.
I had to admit the truth.
Not only because it was the right thing to do, but because it was Bella admitting something, something she shouldn't have had to have kept hidden.
Our relationship and all the little labels that went with it, we kept them a secret from Charlie. He trusted me with his daughter and I had taken advantage. There was nothing right about it. I was completely in the wrong and I knew it. I had no one to blame but myself and my own stupidity for allowing it to happen in the first place.
"I'm sorry, Charlie..." the words caught in my through but they got out. Charlie had heard them.
"Sorry?" he questioned. "What are you sorry for?" The flash in his eyes told me he knew, that he understood.
"She's not lying...I slept with her." I admitted full of shame.
Before I knew it I felt myself being pushed back up against the wall and my head smacking off of it. It was sold and it was sore.
"I trusted you. You said I could. You said you weren't like those other guys" He shouted out to me, his words full of fury.
He held me up against the wall, pulling at the material of my t-shirt at my neck. I was sure he was actually going to kill me.
"I'm not. I'...I'm sorry. I never meant for it to happen." I tried to save my own skin but I knew I wasn't worth it, not really. I had take advantage of Bella and I deserved to burn in hell for it.
"When?" he asked, his voice still full of hatred towards me.
"Last night. I know you can't trust me but please believe me when I say I wasn't trying to take advantage." I had, but I had never meant too. I had never meant to become one of those other men.
He laughed bitterly at me as he let go of me.
I crumpled into a heap on the floor, feeling like the little kid I was.
I had paper to say I was a doctor. I wasn't stupid, but I was immature and clearly not able to take responsibility for another's life.
"I'm sorry...Things just happened..." I tried to explain to his back and to Bella's wide eyes.
She was sat up in bed quiet considerably for the drug she had been given.
"I knew it. I knew something was going on. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt. You promised me..." he still argued with me but never once did he turn around.
"I'm sorry...I...I just fell...I just...I love her." I had admitted it out loud. It was out there and I couldn't take it back. Not that I ever would want too.
"I love her." I admitted once more without doubt or hesitation. "I'm in love with her."
He turned to look at me on the floor. "Just leave." he wanted me gone and I knew I would never get past him, to Bella.
My lies had caught up with me and the one thing I had tried so desperately to hold on to had been prised out of my grip.
I practically crawled out of Bella's room, feeling the smallest, shitties piece of dirt. And it was exactly how I deserved to feel.
"Edward." I heard Tanya call out to me.
"Edward." She called again, her voice changing, realizing I was ignoring her.
"Edward." She called once again. She was louder and firm but I still ignored her words as I walked through the front doors of the emergency department.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, gently tugging at me. "Edward, what's the matter, what's happened?" Tanya had followed me out and her voice was full of worry.
I tried to shrug out from under her touch but all it did was encourage her to wrap her arm around my shoulder and pull me closer into her.
"Come on." She ordered as she pulled me towards a bench that sat out under a little shelter for the smokers. No one was here right now except us.
"Sit down and tell me what happened." she ordered gently.
I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about the look Charlie had given me and I didn't want to think about the pain I felt when Bella let it all come out.
I shook my head, refusing her.
"Edward..." she sighed. "Don't worry. She's fine. Her bloods were normal." her body was fine, but her mind was so messed up.
"And what about her head? What about all the things that are going on in there. Is that fine?" I shot my words at her, trying to vent my anger. I knew it wasn't fair to take it out on her, but I just wanted someone else to hurt too.
"I...I can't do anything for that one Edward. You're the one helping her..." Her words trailed into the air.
"I'm not helping her. I don't think I have even helped in the slightest. Charlie kicked me out." I ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed at my face. The reality of not getting to see Bella ever again, setting in.
"He will come around...He just got a fright. What ever he said, I'm sure he didn't mean it." Tanya tried to sooth me with her words and a comforting hand on my shoulder, but none of that was ever going to work.
"It wasn't what he said. It was what Bella said. She said, I slept with her." I felt my heart tighten and the pain shot through me. It took all I had in me not to break down.
"Edward...did you..?" Her tone was full of worry. She knew I had.
I nodded my head and I couldn't help it. The tears just poured out of me. I covered my face with my hands and wiped at my eyes furiously, trying to make it all disappear, make the pain disappear. But it was useless.
Tanya's arms wrapped around me and she pulled me in towards her trying to shush me.
Suddenly my phone went off, vibrating in my pocket.
Alice had tried calling me earlier but I had cancelled all of her calls. I had to answer her now. I had to let her know what was going on. At least, part of it.
Tanya broke away from me, letting me get to my phone.
"Alice." I answered, trying to keep my voice as normal as possible.
"Edward, where are you?" She was demanding and sounding pissed off and I couldn't blame her. I had ignored her calls for the last hour.
"I'm...I'm at the hospital. Bella...she did it again." I admitted to her. "But she's okay." I quickly finished. It was the last thing she needed to hear. She was to be driving to Seattle later. She didn't need to be told this.
"I'm coming right over." Her voice full of panic.
"No. Don't. Charlie is here and he just wants to be left alone with her just now." It wasn't a complete lie.
"I don't care. She's my friend. I want to see her." She demanded.
"Alice, please...I'll call you if there is any news. But she is fine." I was slow and deliberate with my words. Tanya said she was fine. Her blood and body was at least.
"Edward..." She whined.
"I'll call you, Alice." That was it. I cut the call, ending our words and she had been told. She would be mad, but I would drive down to Seattle and explain to her. She needed to hear it all and not over a damn telephone.
"Listen...I need to get back to work." She sounded apologetic and I knew she had her job to do. It wasn't as if I couldn't look after myself.
I nodded. "It's fine, I'll be fine." I turned to look at her. "I know you have work and I know that you can't tell me anything..." I was hoping she would give me something. If Charlie was going to make any rash decisions.
"Edward. I'll tell you, but only if you promise me you wont act out if you don't like it. I'll let you know what happens if you promise you don't get involved.
I nodded, silently agreeing. I knew I couldn't risk her job and I wouldn't.
She stood up. "If I hear anything, I'll let you know." she told me before walking away and back in through the entrance.
I sat there for what must have been easily two hours. Maybe more.
All I could think about was last night and what it had meant to me. I thought I was getting everything I wanted. I thought it was a vital piece of helping put Bella back together again. I thought if she knew how much I cared for her, she would try to get better. That I would be there for her and support her.
I knew what she did to herself could be like an addiction, a chain that she was never quite able to break but I wanted to be there for her and her nightmares. I didn't want her anywhere else but my side, but I wanted to know if she wasn't with me, she could rest easy on her own.
I still didn't understand it. The reason she left the wedding and the reason she attempted to hurt or kill herself.
What was she thinking? What had been going through her head?
I wished she had thought about me, about the pain she would have put me in. As selfish as it was, I wished her knowledge of that would have hurt, enough for her to stop what she had been trying to do.
Before I knew it, the sun was getting lower and lower in the sky and I had been out her for hours.
I had spoke to no one and I wasn't even sure if anyone but Alice, knew I was here.
I still sat on the bench. A few smokers had come and gone, but no one sat down beside me.
I leaned forward in my seat with my face in my hands.
Tanya had left for home a couple of hours ago so I wasn't going to get any information tonight.
I didn't know what to do or even where to go.
Bella had practically lived in my apartment. It never held any of her items – with the exception of the hair pins she had left last night – but she had still treated it almost like her own. She would get up and make me breakfast on weekends when I was still fast asleep. I hated it and loved it. I hated that she felt like she had to make me food, but god, did I love her cooking.
I wasn't going to fall asleep with her in my arms ever again.
There was a strong kick to my foot, giving me a fright. Jumping up I was met with those two brown eyes I had saw in Bella's room, and they still weren't pleased to see me.
"Charlie..." Panic grew in me and I was sure he was going to hit me.
a/n; Please Review – I'm trying so hard to get these chapters out, so just give me a little heads up to let me know if you are liking it.
Please if you ever feel like Bella, speak to someone. Call your operator to ask for a helpline number such as Samaritans for the UK or Hopeline if you live in the US.
Also, I do try to handle this subject with sever sensitivity and keep it true to life. If you feel that I ever compromise this, let me know. The issue is close to my heart so please let me know your thoughts.