a/n: a little shout out to TheUnderStudy, who helped me to get to 999 reviews on HOTRS
1 away from 1000 – YAY!
Christopher
BPOV
Looking around my room, I packed my bag filling it with all I needed for my rehabilitation in Seattle.
I didn't want to go, but I had no choice. I couldn't think of a way to escape. Charlie had always been a step behind me since I had left the hospital and he was packed and waiting for me, downstairs.
I glanced at the window, wondering if it was possible to escape, to climb through and drop to the ground and run away.
I walked up to the white painted frame and seriously considered it.
"Planing to run?" Edwards voice called from behind me, catching me off guard.
I quickly pulled away from the window and looked in his direction to find him leaning against the side of my door frame.
"Would it be bad if I said, yes?" I asked nervously.
He laughed a little at my words. "I wouldn't have been too surprised. It would be bad if you did run, but you're still here..." He gave a small smile as he walked into my room, taking a seat on my bed. He gently patted the mattress, silently inviting me to sit with him. So I did. Because this was Edward.
I felt nervous and I felt scared. I was worried and I was terrified. But with Edward beside me, I felt okay. Not great, but okay. That I could live. That I could survive.
He cupped my cheek so softly as his emerald eyes twinkled as he looked in to mine.
"I'm proud of you." He told me in a whisper. I had no idea why he was proud. I had only disappointed him and I was only going because I was being forced.
"I don't want to go." He knew I still didn't want to go, I wanted him to help me. Not some stranger.
"I know. But you will be fine-"
"Like last night?" I jumped in on his words. His face crumpled at the thought of how we had been, how we had ended up last night. Me in his arms, a total mess.
He continued. "You are going to be fine. I'm not going to lie, its going to be hard as hell but you have got though so much more. This should be a breeze."
He sighed as he pulled his hands away from my face. My body aching at the loss of his warmth and safety.
"I...I got you this." he cleared his throat as he rummaged in his pocket. "Okay, well I never got it. Alice got me it when I went travelling before med school." Pulling out a silver chain, he dangled a pendant on it. "It's a Saint Christopher. I thought it would help with our little journey...and your bigger one."
I smiled instantly at the gift he was giving me. He unclasped the chain and I swept at my hair, letting him place it on me.
I placed my hand down on top of the silver pendant feeling a little safer that I had someone watching over me.
Edward gazed at it, admiring it hanging from my neck and the atmosphere changed. I looked into his eyes and I felt indestructible once again. He could always make me feel so strong, even though I knew I wasn't.
He sensed the change and tried to get it back to normal. "So...what can you tell me about Saint Christopher?" His smile was small with sadness and I knew that he really didn't want to have to do this to me but I knew as well as he did, that it was needed.
I laughed a little at the irony. If only I had this sooner. "Saint Christopher is the patron of travellers, as you know..." As he had pointed it out, speaking of our journey. "But he is also the patron of storms."
His brow creased and his eyes closed at my words and he let out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I was only trying to help-" His words rushed from his mouth.
I interrupted him. "You did. It means a lot. It makes me feel a little better that he will be watching us. And that you let me borrow it..." I shrugged as he opened his eyes back up to me.
He nodded silently before reaching down and kissing my lips. "I want you to keep it." he whispered as he reached into my ear, pulling me into his chest in a hug before kissing the top of my head.
I only nodded in reply.
This was going to be hell, but I would always get to keep this little part of Edward with me now.
I watched the world fly bye as I sat, looking out the window of my fathers police cruiser.
It was a little symbolic. Me sitting behind the safety grill between the front and rear seats. I didn't know if it felt like I was more an animal in a zoo or a criminal behind bars. Technically, I should be a criminal since it was the police cruiser...
"Are you okay, back there?" My dad called to me, as he looked at me in the rear view mirror. I gave a nod in response, knowing he could see me, that he was watching me.
Edward turned to look back at me and I couldn't even try to form a small smile, not even for him.
Instead I grasped at the chain around my neck, praying for safety at the end of my journey. That's what Edward had called it. A journey. Not just the ride to Seattle, but my rehabilitation, too.
Was this all it was? Some kind of journey, set up to test me.
I suppose if Edward had never caught me, I would have failed. In all honesty, I had failed. My survival now was built purely on Edwards fast acting.
I still hated that he took that from me.
No one understood that feeling of standing on the brink of a nightmare and just wanting it to all go away. I needed it to go away. It was too hard to face it every night and the looks I got every day were hard as well.
I didn't want to die. I just saw no other way of ending it.
This constant stream, this vision burning your brain. It was horrendous and with the exception of making my self pass out with alcohol, nothing seemed to stop it.
Edward seemed to believe it could stop. It stopped for him and I suppose he saw it could stop for me. But he had been right, our worlds and situations had been different. He held no real image of it, where as I could remember very second.
So I grasped my St. Christopher and prayed.
Edward gave a small smile seeing I held some faith in it. But the only faith I felt from it was getting to Seattle in one piece and straight into my living hell. Of course, Edward was around so I would survive my arrival for that one.
"Do you want anything, Bella?" Edward still looked back at me and at his words I stretched out along the back seat, resting my head on the far end.
"Sleep." I replied to him. I was still exhausted from last night and my lack of sleep and all I wanted was some rest. Some proper rest.
My eyes still fixed onto his features and his lips pulled into a tight line of uncertainty.
"Do you want to sleep?" He asked seriously.
"I'm tired..." I I felt my lids flutter.
My mind began to cloud over and all I could hear was faint mumbled from up front. I could have heard them if I was awake, but I wasn't. I was in the mixed land of the living and the unconscious.
The next thing I felt was being shaken.
I was screaming and pushing away the weight that hovered above me. I didn't know what it was.
"Bella, Bella." Edwards voice called to me and my eyes snapped open to find his own filled with worry.
"It was only a bad dream." he told me so surely. His face upside down from mine.
He wiped at my face as I realized I had been crying as well.
He sat me up a little, sliding himself below me in the seat that I had rested my head, but now resting against his chest as he held me in close.
He closed the door behind him before swiftly checking over me once again.
"Are you okay?" his tone was so gentle and I felt myself pull into him automatically. I couldn't help but want to be closer to him.
My breath stuttered with my tears as I silently nodded my head, assuring him that I was fine.
Edwards eyes looked back to my father and it was then I realized that he had watched the two of us together. I couldn't care though, all I did was pull myself in closer to his chest and rest my eyes.
I felt Edwards lips press against my cheek and a small audible peck passed through the car and I was sure my father had heard if, and possibly had witnessed it.
The car took off once again and we were continuing on our way to Seattle, all of us knowing that I really did need this help that was going to be offered.
He didn't look like a professional. Not physically at least. His long hair sat over his shoulders and he looked more like some ageing hippy. His suit was smart though. Well cut and and perfectly sized.
He grinned at me as he entered his office, us waiting on him.
"Sorry about that." He chimed in with a weirdly happy tone. "On of my patients..." he finished off, knowing he couldn't go into detail.
"So, Edward. You have brought Bella to me." He smiled across at Edward as he sat down behind his desk. "It's nice to finally put a face to the name. Edward has told me a lot about you." He nodded back at me before shifting his gaze to Charlie. "And you must be, Charlie." he acknowledged with a bow of the head.
"Yes, Sir." My dad replied back with a nod.
"Please. Call me Aro. I know that you are becoming one of my patients but I like to try and keep it a little informal, if that's okay." His eyes looked slightly possessed, as if he was on some kind of drugs but there wasn't an ounce of malice behind them. "I want you all to be able to talk to me and keep it almost as friends...I say almost because I have a feeling you wont want to think of me that soon enough..." His words filled into the air and I felt my self panic, my eyes landing on Edward, wondering just what he had talked my father into.
I only nodded in response to Aro. My eyes still on Edward.
Aro licked his lips before he spoke once again. "Okay. So from what Edward tells me, he is worried that you are depending on alcohol to get though the hurdles in life, Bella. Is that right?"
I frowned wondering if he was asking if I was an alcoholic.
"He said that you drink so to try and keep yourself from having nightmares..." he clarified for me.
I nodded silently, my eyes meeting Edwards.
"Perhaps you could tell me about the nightmares a little?" He asked with a small smile.
"I see things." I shrugged. "Things from the past." I didn't want to be here and I didn't want to talk about this, not to this man.
"Okay..." He pushed for me to continue, but I never.
The room fell into a silence as I looked down at my lap.
"So I'm going to have to get a little tougher. Bella, I ask questions and you answer them as much as you possibly can." he told me, his assertiveness scaring me a little.
"Shouldn't we be alone." I asked as I glanced between Charlie and Edward. Isn't that how it went? I lay out on some kind of couch and I tell him all my problems?
"No, not right now. There will be a time for that later. Besides, you have lost your rights, meaning your father should know what is going on...And I assume Edward knows most things, since the both of you have been speaking."
"I will be asking the two of them questions as well, Bella. They want to help you, you all need to work together."
I nodded, understanding his words.
"Again, Bella. What do you dream of?" He was waiting for me to tell all.
I took in a deep breath before looking at Edward. He placed a reassuring hand on my knee and I felt that feeling he gave ma all over again. I could do this.
"I dream of the hurricane I was caught in. I see my mum and Phil in their car...I see the wind and rain." I gasped for air, struggling to breath.
They all sat there watching me and Aro gave me the time I needed. "I see flashbacks to the roof of the Superdome being pulled away with the force of Katrina. I remember feeling so alone and feeling like I was going to die... Just like my mum."
Edwards hand gripped at my knee at I let my sobs out, trying to discreetly wipe away my tears with the sleeve of my top.
I had never thought that he would have got this out of me so quick. I thought I would have had to have some appointment with in the next day or so after being fed drugs to stop the dreams.
He leaned forward in his seat, resting his elbows on the desk in front of him. "Bella, I know this is hard. I understand that. But I am going to need to know everything."
I nodded. "It's just different visions of the whole incident. Like when I saw the helicopter pull down towards me in the dark..." I rushed out worried that he thought I was trying to hide something.
He smiled at me a little sadly. "It's good that you told me that. But what I mean is, I need to know everything in your life now, as well. I need to know the things that this tragedy has made you do. Because it has made you do it. This incident started off a chain of events and I need to know what that includes." I felt a strange wave of compassion roll off of him, towards me and it made me feel a little better that he saw me and the things I done as almost separate identities.
"Edward told me that he first met you in a small driving incident. That he was angry when he found out who you were, but now you seem very close. How did that change come about?"
He eyed Edward before he looked back at me.
"There was an incident with his sister-"
"What kind of incident?" He interrupted me as he began to squiggle on his note pad.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "She almost died because I gave her cocaine." I told him with shame. "I never meant to hurt her. I was just trying to make her feel better..."
"With drugs?" He looked back up at me, silently studying me. I only nodded.
"We'll come back to this another time. I still want to know how you became close..." he prodded.
"He pulled me out of a bar. He knew I was too young to drink and so he told the bar man and I was pretty much kicked out. He took me home." I shrugged.
"To who's home?"He asked carefully.
I glanced to my dad, knowing that I had told Edward lies so I could stay with him. I had told Edward my father would be mad if he saw me as I was, but the truth was, I was being punished for my behaviour. My penance; to stay at home for the weekend, alone.
"To his. I told him my dad would be upset if he saw me, but he wasn't there. He had left me alone for the weekend." I admitted, feeling guilty for Charlie's actions.
"Charlie? Edward? Is this right?" Aro asked them nicely to confirm.
Charlie shuffled in his seat, and gave a small nod. "Yes. I was trying to show her that her behaviour wasn't acceptable..." his words mumbled into the air.
"So...you were trying to punish her?"
I hated how he could just say that to him. He had been right to do what he did. He was only trying to get me to behave, to be normal.
Charlie only nodded.
Aro held his look and his words as he turned to Edward. "So you took her home, to your apartment? Did you think that was a good idea?"
It was Edwards turn to shuffle uncomfortably in his seat. "Not really, but I didn't want her to get into trouble-"
"Even though you didn't like her?" he jumped in.
Edwards head quickly turned to me, silently apologizing. "I had saw her hospital notes after she ran me off the road. I didn't want her or her father to have any more fall out. I guessed that it was hard on both of them and if she stayed at mine, it would save any more friction." He sighed.
Aro nodded at his words, his mind thinking. "And how was that...experience?"
Edward lifted his hand from my knee and began to nervously rub them together as his brows furrowed forward. "She...she..." He scrunched up his eyes, cursing below his breath. "She was flirting. She was looking for attention, trying to get a rise out of me by stripping off to her underwear." He sighed and rubbed his face as my dads face turned red.
"This is good." Aro quickly told my father. "This type of behaviour is often seen after such trauma. We know what we are dealing with here."
My dad looked appalled and I hated myself. I wanted to hide. I wanted the world to open up and let me disappear into its fiery centre.
"What happened then, Edward?" he pushed.
"Nothing. I...I...I didn't look or anything like that. I had given her clothes to change into because she was cold and not really wearing much. She dressed and eventually after we talked she went to sleep in my bed and I slept on the couch. That was it. Innocent." Edward was rushing his words out, panic laced his voice, as if he was being accused of something.
"Edward, calm. I'm only asking a few questions. We are all here to help, Bella. Nothing is going to try and be twisted to incriminate you." Aro told him carefully.
Edward inhaled deeply, nodding at his words as his eyes looked out into the distance, out the window.
"Did she have any nightmares when she stayed?" Aro asked Edward.
Edwards eyes came back to me and he nodded, silently telling Aro, yes. "I woke up when I heard her screaming. I rushed to her, to check that she was okay...she was a mess." his tone seemed so flat and tired and I wondered if that's how I made Edward feel.
"What happened then?" Aro pushed.
"I put on the radio to try and distract her. I hugged her, trying to give her some comfort and we fell asleep. That was it..." Edward shrugged.
I didn't know what to think. It was the truth but it was out in the open to my dad and some stranger. I felt like a part of me and Edwards world had been torn away.
"That was it..?" Aro asked amused, knowing fine well, that wasn't it. Aro wanted to know everything.
Edward only shrugged his shoulders, not knowing what else to say.
"Would it be fair to assume that you and Bella are having some sort of relationship now?" Aro asked carefully. "That other things happened and you became more...closer." Aro picked his choice of word carefully in front of Charlie but I was sure he would push further.
"I care for Edward. He's been a very good friend." I whispered out.
"Friend?" Edwards gaze turned to me sharply, his tone incredulous.
Aro sat quietly watching between the two of us.
"I forgot...that's what you do with all your friends." Edward dug at me with his sarcastic tone. I knew what he was talking about, me being with Jake. I just didn't understand his sudden change of tone and why he seemed mad. It was him that had spoke of not giving it a label so I guessed friends was a fair assumption.
Aro jumped in. "Okay, what happened?" he seemed confused a little.
"We slept together." I admitted in a mumble, my face turning scarlet.
Edward stood up, his chair flying backwards. "We made love." Edward practically shouted at Aro. "I know it shouldn't have happened, but it did. I thought it meant something. But obviously we're all just the same to, Bella." he looked down at me, his eyes narrowed.
"No!" I shouted up to Edward. He was wrong. He meant something. He meant something to me.
Edward rushed out the door, the slam from the frame echoing around the room.
We all just sat there, completely perplexed at what had just happened.
Aro rose his brows in surprise. "Maybe you two need to talk a little more about what's going on between the two of you. But how do you see Edward? He seemed hurt that you referred to him as a friend."
"He told both of us, he loves her," Charlie told him. "but she even tried to use the fact that they had...been together, to try and come in between me and him, too. She knew I wouldn't like it, and I don't. But she manipulates people and I wasn't going to let her change my mind of him. He's a good boy."
Aro only looked at me as I pulled my eyes away from my father in shock. He said I manipulate people. I suppose did.
"Are you aware of his fondness for you?" Aro pushed gently. I only nodded.
"What is your feelings towards Edward. You have spoken to him about a lot. You must trust him."
"I do. I...I don't want to have this conversation without him..." I told him firmly. Edward was going to get me through this and if there was no Edward, I wasn't speaking.
He had stormed out of here under some misunderstanding and I wasn't letting it be like that.
Aro looked at me blankly, as if he knew I was going to be suborn with out Edward.
He sighed heavily. "Fine." he told me before he pressed a button on his phone. "Victoria, Edward Cullen, the man that would have no doubt just ran past your desk...Can you tell him we would like him to come join us again."
He let go of the button and her voice carried into the room from the machine. "Will do. Give me just a moment."
So we did. Aro sat patiently before Edward once again walked back into the room and taking the seat he had sat in. He didn't look at me or any of the others and I felt stupid that I needed him with me when it was quite obvious he didn't want to be here.
"Sorry...about leaving..." He whispered out to the room.
Aro frowned at him. "Did something upset you, Edward? We need to keep the lines of communication open, so it would be wise if you set your self up as an example of that just now." His tone was sharp and curt and Edwards head snapped to him, glaring at him.
"I know this game, okay, Aro. I know what I need to do." He snapped back at him. "But this...this is my feelings. Not Bella's."
"But they do concern Bella. You don't want her leaving here thinking she upset you..." He trailed off, taunting Edwards a little to spill the truth.
"I...I just thought I meant more..." He huffed with a sigh. He did mean more.
"You do. It was you who told me not to put a label on it." I argued back. It had been Edward who had been to afraid to truly admit what was going on. I wasn't being blamed for following his orders.
"I love you." He old me in a whisper with out any doubt or hesitation.
"I love you, too." The desperation drowned my tone, pleading for him to see what he truly meant to me.
But that was it, we had both admitted our feeling to one another, in the presence of others and it frightened me somewhat. But I did love him.
"You love each other, you have been intimate...Sounds like a relationship to me..." Aro concluded.
"It's not." I jumped in a little to quickly. I loved Edward, but Rosalie's words were in my head. I had to let go of him before I broke his heart. He was already too involved it was clear. But I still felt compelled to have him next to me. I couldn't make him leave this room. I didn't want him to leave this room. He needed to walk me through it.
"I mean, I just want to get my self sorted first. Before I think about what we really are. I just like how we have been. Can't the rest wait?"
Edward gave a small understanding smile as he nodded his head. Trust him to be so forgiving and understanding. It only made me feel worse.
"I think it would be something to come back to another time. Right now I need to know more about your behaviour. And I need you all to be honest." he eyed us all, silently making up promise to tell the truth.
"She drinks. She pops pills and she is just generally reckless." My father told him sharply.
All air left me as I looked up at him from his small rant.
"When you say pops pills..?" Aro asked carefully.
"Tried to kill herself." He told him pointedly.
"No I never." I jumped into he conversation. "I never tired to kill myself. I knew that was the risk, but it was never my intentions. I just wanted an escape."
Aro nodded at my words, writing down something on his pad of paper.
"If it wasn't for Edward, she would be dead." Charlie's tone was loud, but he wasn't angry. He was trying to make his point.
"Okay. This is good." Aro promised. "This is all making sense to me, Bella. I know that they don't understand it, but I do. This is the way you cope."
He looked between Edward and Charlie. "Sexual aggression and a dependency on alcohol are effects of the stress her body is going through." He looked at me. "I think what you have is a sever case of Post traumatic stress disorder. You're behaviour seems to emulate it."
"She has post-traumatic stress disorder?" Edward asked not quite believing.
"I'm not going to yes or no, Edward. All I am saying is she possesses the qualities of someone that has a very bad case of it. And to be honest, it's not surprising..."
Edward shook his head and looked away.
"Bella, I'm going to prescribe you Propranolol. Its a-"
"A Beta-blocker?" Edward jumped in, instantly.
Aro sighed and looked at him, expectingly.
"You are giving her heart medication?" Edward asked with annoyance.
"Edward, though I do know that some day you will be a great doctor. The truth of the matter is that you are only starting out. Propranolol is also used to treat sleep disturbances. If Bella is able to rest peacefully while we work through her issues, perhaps she will be able to stop the medication in time and function without the use of any prescribed drugs or alcohol." He told him sharply. "Though there may be a need for some form of anti-depressants, right now I want to see how she copes generally. I'm the doctor here, not you."
Edward slouched into his seat at being shot down.
I was amazed though. I was so positive that the moment I stepped into the centre, I would have been drugged up to the eyeballs and struggled to tell what year it was, let alone wad day.
Aro began once again. "Bella, its more commonly used to slow down heart rates in patients, but with your levels of anxiety that you show, it wont harm you. It should be enough to ease the adrenalin in you system, that you are able to sleep soundly."
I nodded at his words, understanding for the most of it.
"We will talk more about your issues tomorrow. I think I have gathered enough information today to know where you stand on your difficulties and the cause of them." He smiled at me, easing me a little.
"We will all talk again." he looked towards Charlie and Edward " Tomorrow, possibly. I know that you are staying close to here and your in put is essential to helping Bella recover."
He looked at me carefully. "Like I said Bella, talking thought your issues is our primary concern, without open communication, things wont get better. I know at times you wont want to talk, and I'm somewhat accepting of that, but remember, if you don't, if you refuse, your stay here will only increase." I didn't know if it was a threat or not, but I understood his logic. I nodded again.
"Very well. You will be sharing a room with another patient, a girl the same age as you. Like I say, talking through our issues is our priority and I know that patients often find a bond in similar situations. If you feel comfortable talking to her, I suggest you do. She is a sweet girl and likes to talk, but she likes to listen as well."
I nodded again, apprehension peaking in my gut. I felt Edwards hand on mine and I relaxed instantly as his concerned touch.
"I'm scared." I panted out my words as I held on tight to the side of Edward's t-shirt.
His arms were wrapped around me and I was in my new room that I would stay in. But all I wanted right now was to go back to Forks and hide away in Edwards bed, beside him.7
"Don't be. You did good in there. Aro will take care of you. He is one of the best." His warm lips pressed against my temple and I let go of his fisted t-shirt and wrapped my arms around his waist.
He pulled away with doubt written all over his face and it scared me. Did he not believe his own words?
"Earlier...did you mean what you said? That we're friends?" I nodded to him feeling slightly confused.
"We're not more than that?" He asked, the worry lacing his tone.
"We are..." I looked down to where my hands rested on his sides. I never did this to anyone else. Not even Jake, but maybe Alice...but she was different. Jake only ever really got to touch me if we were having sex. "I...I didn't know what to call it. I never meant to upset you."
he laughed dryly. "Don't worry about me. I'm just tired from lack of sleep and I over reacted. But I think of you as more than just a friend. " I nodded because I knew he did.
"I know...In that room things just seemed tense and I didn't want them to trip us up over it." I admitted in a part lie.
"I know, but they wont. You need to tell Aro the truth. He knows we made love, there is no point in lying." He shrugged. I was dying to hear those words from his mouth again. - made love. I knew he loved me, he told me. But to make love to me...it seemed so foreign.
Jake loved me, but I don't think you could class our sex as "making love".
I loved Edward and I would let him help me get through this, because I knew if I didn't, I wouldn't. I couldn't manage without him. He was my strength. But I knew at the end I would have to let him go, becsue that was what was right, that was what was fair. Rosalie's words continued to haunt me, that I would break his heart.
They say if you love them, then set them free. That was what I would be doing with Edward. It was what was best for him. He deserved that.
I shook the thoughts out of my head and just enjoyed the fact that his hands were on me. "I know. I just...I didn't want to make things more complicated. We can work on us when I'm better." I lied with such a deceiving smile that led him to believe it was true.
He only kissed my cheek in response.
"Bella," Aro's voice called on me as he walked into the room. "I have your medication." He passed me a small plastic dish with a glass of water. "Lets see if this can exorcise some of those daemons." he smiled at me.
"Like Cyriacus." I smiled at him and laughed when his brows bunched together in confusion. He was a clever man but I liked how that I was still able to confuse him.
"Who?" He asked in confusion.
"Saint or god?" Edward asked me with a small laugh, him automatically on my page.
"Saint." I smiled as I knocked pack the small pill.
""Bella...She has a things for Saints. She's pretty good." Edward mused as he placed a hand no my far shoulder and pulling me into him before a soft kiss to the side of the head.
Charlie coughed in annoyance at our contact as he stood off to the side. Edward dropped his hand instantly at his reaction.
"Interesting..." Aro summed up. "Do you know any more?"
I shrugged.
"Of course she does." Edward proudly proclaimed. "She is like a genius." He laughed in amusement.
I rolled my eyes at him. And began to explain. "Saint Cyriacus is one of the fourteen holy helpers. He exercises demons."
"I didn't even know there were fourteen holy helpers. Never mind him." Aro laughed a little.
A moment later a girl about my build came walking through the room before jumping onto the other bed.
Her hair was tied up in a tight bun and her eyes were wide and almost a little crazy looking, or surprised. She was quite pretty.
She smiled wildly at us before talking. "Hi. I'm Jane."
a/n; Please Review
ohh I have the makings of a new story in my head! I cant quite believe it – but I will keep processing the thoughts and work on it once this is complete. - I just had to tell someone!