So with Olimar's entrance last chapter, every Smasher has now appeared in Rebuilding!
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Rebuilding
Chapter 39: A Tale of Two Personalities
To the Ungrateful Minister, from the Overlord of the Subspace Army,
I hold you in high regard for my army. The Aura was dealt with in the most fitting manner possible.
If you disagree with my methods again, you will be exterminated. You are not the only one of your kind, as I am sure you are painfully aware.
In layman's terms, mind your own business, Minister.
Fighting about uniting the Aura was forced to take a back seat to Master Hand's sudden message.
Wolf, Jigglypuff, Ganondorf and Lucario all silently stood in a huddle, even though Wolf was the only one who could hear Master Hand inside his head.
"Why did he have to choose now?" wondered Wolf aloud.
"Probably because you've been standing here whining while the Ancient Minister's been killing or stealing more of the Smashers, jackass!" shouted Ganondorf angrily. "How could you have been so stupid?"
"Shut up, I have to hear the voice in my head!" argued Wolf.
"Wolf, are you there?" asked Master Hand. "I chose now because it's important!"
"Yeah, a lot of things about this job are important," replied Wolf. "What now?"
"Wolf, I have information on the Minister," said Master Hand, sounding awfully troubled.
"He just molecularly relocated like the Mansion did," said Wolf. "Did you find out where he went?"
"I'm afraid it might all be my fault," panicked Master Hand, uncharacteristically helpless-sounding. "I did it, it was me, all of it! I let him go!"
"Let who go?" asked Wolf urgently. Behind him, Jigglypuff's jaw dropped, Lucario looked up, and Ganondorf stopped rolling his eyes.
"Wolf, there's a site I picked out for the third Smash Mansion," explained Master Hand. "It's called the Isle of the Ancients, and that's where I interviewed my first newcomer. The first place I went to when I sent Mario and his friends away so long ago was that island, and I met him there. I met the Minister – before he changed his name..."
"Changed his name?" repeated Wolf. "Who is he?"
"It's ROB, Wolf," revealed Master Hand.
"What?" asked Wolf, looking visibly startled. "That operating buddy thing? That's the island they come from?"
"I think you've known all along," said Master Hand. "I picked you for your skills like this. Is the Ancient Minister not a robot leader? Can he not access Subspace technologies?"
"The leader of the ROBs..." mused Wolf.
"Does that fit the description?" asked Master Hand quietly.
"Yes...it does...it all makes sense, this...ROB...is the Ancient Minister..." said Wolf slowly.
"What?!" screamed Ganondorf, outraged. Jigglypuff immediately grabbed him to stop him from charging at Wolf.
"And you asked him to join the Brawl thing..." repeated Wolf sadly, piecing information together.
"Join the Braw-wait, the Minister is a Super Smash Brother?!" spat Ganondorf, outraged. "And you didn't tell us?!"
Ganondorf clenched his fists and became incoherent, grunting and howling abuse at Wolf.
"Is that what he told you, Walter Donald?" asked Jigglypuff worriedly, looking confused. "The Prime Minister's gonna be a Super Smash Brother?"
"Goodbye, Master Hand," Wolf sighed. "Lucario, did you know this too?"
"I'm afraid not," replied Lucario.
"Great, we don't know where he is then..." sighed Wolf. "A new low point..."
"He's one of us!?" yelled Ganondorf again, furiously trying to shake Jigglypuff off of him to get at Wolf. "I could just kill you!"
"But if he's a robot, he might try and disguise himself further than a simple cloak by stealing the mind of a human," reasoned Lucario. "His only victims of brainwash left that I know of were Solid Snake, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Krystal. Snake and Sonic managed to repel it, and Krystal's dead, so we should be fine as long as he didn't do anyone else!"
"Where can he get human minds from?" asked Wolf.
Ganondorf and Jigglypuff looked at each other.
"Wasn't there somewhere from the Melee thingy?" asked Jigglypuff vaguely.
"Yeah..." replied Ganondorf, remembering. "Jigs and I know where it could go..."
Wolf and Lucario looked uncertain, but then Wolf shrugged and got back in the Wolfen. Uncomfortably, the other three joined him. Needless to say, they were all tightly packed in together.
"Jigglypuff, sit between Ganondorf and Lucario!" barked Wolf suddenly, as Ganondorf slowly outstretched his arm to sneak a punch at Lucario.
Jigglypuff squeaked and absorbed the punch.
"Okay Walter!" cried Jigglypuff, dazed with a black eye.
"With four of us now it might be a stretch," said Wolf. "But just tell us where to go."
The explosion that had engulfed Pit was a mere memory to the Super Smash Brothers now, most likely because they didn't care about their camp angel companion. Snake kept flying his helicopter in any direction away from the Subspace ambush, while everyone else tried to sedate Olimar.
Eventually Olimar was settled down through an unconventional method. He lay on the ground with one of Zelda's knives inside him.
"Zelda, you are skilled!" smiled Zelda.
"Shut up, you!" argued Zelda. "You're a worthless maggot!"
"What is she doing?" asked Snake, not taking his eyes off of the skies.
"If I know Zelda, she's arguing with her split personality again," replied Link. "It's nothing to worry about; the arguments usually end pretty quickly."
Zelda punched herself in the gut and stopped arguing immediately.
"Hey, Snake, looks like we have company," warned Meta Knight, looking out of the helicopter's rear-view mirror. "Can you get us out of this?"
"It's probably nothing," said Snake. "Otacon will just be after my furry dice again. It's quite funny, you know. I showed up for work with this pair of pink furry dice, and Otacon went wild and held me up at gunpoint until I let him borrow them. Of course I took them back after two hours, then he got drunk and tried to-"
A loud explosion rocked the helicopter, and Snake nearly spun out of control.
"It's the Subspace forces!" panicked Lucas. "They're not done with us!"
"Right, buckle up everyone," said Snake, trying to maintain his composure. "I'm losing these guys, no matter what."
And as soon as he finished his thought, Snake tore out of the Subspace ship's line of vision and accelerated the helicopter, engaging the Primids in an aerial chase.
"There's only like four seats here!" shouted Nana.
"Bunch up then!" shouted Snake, focusing on the skies.
"Samus, I think for our own safety, you should sit on my lap," said Ike at once. "You know, for...our lives...and whatever..."
"Are you even putting effort into it any more?" asked Samus.
"Please sit on my lap," said Ike, sweating profusely.
The helicopter gained more and more and even a little bit more speed upwards, sending birds scattering to other directions in mid-air.
"Snake!" shouted Meta Knight over the roar of the helicopter. "Don't you think you're going too high? Fox and I are pilots and we'd be happy to help!"
"Never gonna give you up!" shouted Fox in agreement. "Never gonna let you down!"
"Never mind!" cried Meta Knight, punching Fox for his stupidity.
Snake nodded, and with a sudden, unpleasant lurch, the helicopter stopped its ascent and levelled off several hundred feet above the ground. Link risked a look out of the window.
"They couldn't follow us up, they're right under us!" called Link.
"It's a whole fleet now!" cried Yoshi, noticing the increase in enemy numbers.
"I know just the thing to do right here!" snarled Snake, lighting up a cigarette while steering with one hand.
"Try a somersault!" shouted Fox randomly.
"Exactly," grinned Snake. He tried a somersault, and the helicopter careened upside down in a wide arc, until it was able to shoot right down into the fleet, ramming into four or five of the small Subspace ships.
Explosions erupted on all sides.
"Nice job!" shouted Bowser, punching the air.
Several of the Super Smash Brothers shouted their encouragement to Snake, several more of them were desperately trying not to throw up or fall off of the lap they were sitting on.
"I am not sitting on anybody's lap," said Samus angrily, reading the above line.
Samus was sitting firmly on Ike's lap.
"No she wasn't!" argued Samus, shattering the fourth wall to tiny pieces.
"It's the big boss man!" screamed Sonic suddenly, looking out of another window.
A huge Subspace gunship was right behind the now-descending helicopter, much like the gunship that had fired the ray on Norfair which had totaled the planet and sent the SSB back to 2001.
"Attention, Super Smash Brothers," bellowed a commanding voice. "You are trespassing on our fleet's airspace. Back down or be destroyed."
"That voice-a sounds familiar!" panicked Mario. "Is that-a him?"
"It is me," said the voice. Everyone except Snake turned to see who was standing on the deck of the massive gunship which was attacking the Super Smash Brothers. Everyone except Snake turned to see who was the overlord of the Subspace Army.
Crazy Hand floated menacingly before everyone's eyes.
"Snake, turn round and kill him!" shouted Zelda at once.
Snake was only able to touch the control pad when Crazy Hand fired a ray at the helicopter.
Nobody felt any effect of the ray, but perhaps that was even scarier. The Smashers were all now unaware of what they were doing. Snake even left the controls to gape up at Crazy Hand.
"Tell my brother he's a fool!" roared Crazy Hand to the falling Smashers. "Rayquaza, kill them all!"
A huge green dragon-like Pokemon flew from behind the gunship and opened its mouth menacingly. Kirby screamed at once.
"That's it! That's what I saw! That's what Mewtwo told us about! That's Rayquaza!" shouted Kirby in a panic.
Rayquaza performed a nosedive and headed straight for the helicopter. Everyone screamed as it took a bite out of the back.
"Let us down here, dawg!" cried Dedede, waddling as fast as he could away from the wall. He bounded into the cockpit with everyone else close behind.
"Get out of here!" shouted Snake desperately.
"I'm freakin' out!" panicked Olimar. "Bad trip! Bad trip!"
"We're about to crash!" noticed DK, pointing straight down at a jungle below.
Before anyone could form a coherent thought, Rayquaza fired a Hyper Beam straight down alongside the helicopter.
"This looks like the end!" despaired Pikachu.
"I want you all to know I love each and every one of you!" shouted Samus.
"Even me?" asked Ike hopefully.
"As a friend!" shouted Samus back. "And not even a very good one at that!"
The tops of the trees grew closer and closer to the helicopter, then suddenly trees became bushes, then bushes became the ground, until-
"Everyone jump-a!" shouted Mario. Except for Snake, who was still trying to regain control of the helicopter, everyone jumped out of the helicopter as Rayquaza flew off to rejoin the Subspace forces.
The Smashers all hit the ground painfully, and they weakly stood up.
"Is everyone here-a?" asked Mario desperately.
"Dude, Snake's still in there!" cried Sonic.
Snake's helicopter crashed nose-first into the ground, and Snake's limp body broke through the window, covered in cuts and gashes.
"Well, we escaped," croaked Snake in a hoarse voice.
And with that, Snake lost consciousness.
The rest of the Smashers looked around at their new surroundings, thoroughly confused.
"W-where are we?" asked Lucas nervously.
"Hey, this is vine!" noticed Pokemon Trainer, tapping the ground. "This is exactly what Ivysaur uses! Isn't that a delightfully familiar connection between our current surroundings and those back where we used to be? Hey gang, let's raise our spirits with a merry song about wilderness-"
"Look at the size of that thing!" marvelled Zelda, hitting Pokemon Trainer in the neck with a stick. She pointed at a discarded soda can, fifty times bigger than even the likes of Bowser, DK, Dedede, and Wario's girth.
"Crazy Hand fired a ray at us," remembered DK. "Last time his rays just sent us back in time, but this time it must have decreased our size."
"Do we still-a have the Dragoon pieces?" asked Mario suddenly, quieter than usual.
"I still have mine," said Meta-Knight.
"Yo, right here," nodded Dedede.
"Ugh, fine," sighed Kirby, holding up his. "Why do you want them, are you going to try and fly up to the cloud place now?"
"No-a," replied Mario. "Mewtwo told us-a that this Wolf-a guy is doing something that sounds-a way more important than us trying to reassemble a new-a Super Smash Brother group-a. We should wait-a until we find him."
"So we should just hangizzle onto these, dawg?" asked Dedede uncertainly.
The plumber nodded, and suddenly Olimar's eyes shot open again.
"I remember this place!" shouted Olimar at once. "This is the Distant Planet! It must have been Earth all along!"
"So you're not from Earth," repeated Samus flatly. "Of course.....tweeker..."
"I'm not high!" protested Olimar. "This is the Distant Planet! This is where I get my Pikmin!"
"Yeah, that's a good way to convince us you're not stoned," replied Samus. "Start telling us where you get the stuff."
"Listen to me!" complained Olimar. "This place's weather is all crazy, so we need to find shelter!"
Just as Olimar finished talking, there was a burst of lightning and rain poured from the unseen skies above.
"Whoa, that's some gnarly rain!" gasped Sonic, shaking his quills dry.
"See what I mean?" asked Olimar angrily.
"Yo, where do we go?" wondered Dedede, with Kirby and Meta-Knight wrapped in his warm, giant robe.
"Someone has to take-a Snake, he's not moving-a by himself," said Mario, looking over at Snake's unconscious body.
"What a hero, huh?" asked Samus. "He used to be part of the Subspace, but he just risked his ass to get you, me and everyone else to safety. Shame his helicopter was damaged, and I don't know if he knows how much he's reformed."
Samus bowed her head in respect, sopping wet.
Samus looked up to see Ike staring right at her with a wide grin permanently frozen on his face.
"Now's not the time, you pig!" snapped Samus. "How can you even get a good look? I'm wearing a full suit of armor!"
"Hey, I'm good at this," grinned Ike, not taking his eyes off of Samus.
"Uh, anyway, we need to leave like right now," warned Olimar. "It's dangerous to be out here too late!"
"Why's that, Mr. Olimar?" asked Peach, passing spare Team Healers around.
Suddenly, a giant caterpillar burst through the trees and attempted to eat half the Smashers, or more specifically, the half that had no injuries from the helicopter crash.
"Son of a bitch!" cursed Kirby, hiding deeper up Dedede's robe....ew, what is wrong with me?
"That's why," replied Olimar. "Those things eat all my Pikmin every time I find them!"
The caterpillar gave a wide stoner-esque smile at the mention of Pikmin.
"Just stay calm!" cried Olimar. "I'll get high too, maybe it'll be scared off or kill itself or something or shut up, and I just want to get high!"
Olimar smoked a spare Pikmin, and with a sigh of relief, he began to do a sloppy and uncoordinated river dance.
"How can something kill itself from something so stupid?" asked Fox hypocritically.
"Kill?" asked Zelda excitedly.
"Oh, you've really done it now," hissed Link irritably in Fox's ear.
"I love you!" smiled Fox in return.
"Zelda, no!" whined Zelda in a resigned voice. "Don't resort to violence!"
"Shut up!" shouted Zelda angrily. "I need to kill! It's a compulsion!"
"You can end the craziness now!" sobbed Zelda.
"NO!" bellowed Zelda, punching herself again.
"Sheik, can you stop her?" asked Link, watching Zelda torment herself.
Zelda blinked at the mention of her alter-ego, and at once she changed clothes into her Sheik outfit.
"I tried, but she won't listen to reason!" despaired Sheik. "I can't get through to her!"
"You can't stop me!" shouted Sheik angrily, pulling out a knife.
"I can try, princess!" said Sheik adamantly, throwing the knife aside.
"Sheik, do you know how to stop a large drugged-up caterpillar?" asked Link kindly.
"An overdose?" suggested Sheik.
"Is this still Zelda talking?" Pikachu asked Link.
"I'm not sure...Sheik, what exactly do you mean?" asked Link tentatively.
Sheik pulled out some long, sharp needles. Link squealed and ran behind Bowser for cover.
"Relax Link, I'm still me," said Sheik. "If I could just get a sedative or something on the end of these needles, I can quickly put the caterpillar to sleep so we can escape!"
"Does anyone have any drugs?" asked Link politely to his comrades.
Everyone glanced at each other, and then they slowly began to hand over all of their substances.
"Wow, that's a lot!" gasped Sheik, staring at the massive pile of drugs.
"Well, we need them to numb the pain from all the violence your other half puts us through!" complained Kirby.
"I'm more than a half, kid!" screamed Sheik, pulling a shotgun out. "I'll kill you if you call me that again!"
Sheik tossed aside the shotgun.
"Yo, macs, hurry ups!" panicked Diddy. "Olimars and the caterpillar are comings down!"
"Don't worry, small fellow!" smiled Sheik. "This is a foolproof plan! But why aren't you new guys more surprised that Zelda and I are split personalities?"
"Wells," replied Diddy. "Firsts off, we expected it from Zeldas, and secondlies, we're always high on painkillerses!"
"Ah, I see," smiled Sheik ruefully, throwing the needles.
Absolutely nothing happened, except that the caterpillar vomited in overdose.
"Dang," sighed Sheik.
"You idiot!" shouted Sheik. "I could just put a bullet through your heart, dammit!"
Sheik picked up another shotgun and shot herself through the heart.
...
Zelda changed back into her princess gown.
"Is Sheik dead?" asked Lucas fearfully.
"She better be," frowned Zelda.
"OW! OW! OW!" cried Zelda, clutching her heart in pain.
"Hey, what's that in the vomit pool?" asked Link, pointing at the caterpillar's vomit pool.
A glowing orb was sitting firmly in the pile of vomit.
"Looks to me like a Smash Ballizzle," observed Dedede, gesturing at the object.
"One of us-a should use it to get rid of this caterpillar-a!" panicked Mario.
"Why, is it like a performance enhancer?" asked Olimar. He injected himself with a Pikmin syringe.
At once, Olimar was stoned again.
"WOO-HOO!" cheered Olimar ecstatically. "Let me at 'em!"
Olimar dived forward, shouting something about being the lizard king, and the Smash Ball shattered on his helmet. The energy penetrated the glass, and Olimar's tiny lines for eyes became purple.
"A toast to the flying rainbow puppies of evil," smirked Evil Olimar, still under the influence of Pikmin.
"You're kidding me!" screamed Zelda, outraged. "I should have killed something with mine, and he gets his!?"
"Zelda, calm down!" argued Sheik from within. "It's not a competition to get the-"
"YES IT IS!" yelled Zelda, stabbing herself.
"Allow me to surf the Technicolor dreamscape," crooned Evil Olimar in an English accent. "Dreamscape of doom and despair-ahahaha!"
A spaceship big enough for two Hocotatians (approximately one eighth of a normal person) sprouted from the ground, and Olimar hopped in.
"So long, my foolish friends!" cackled Evil Olimar.
"Yo, where do y'all think yo' goin'?" demanded Dedede.
"That Final Smash is even worse than Peach's so far!" shouted Kirby up at the ship.
"Why thank you, Mr. Kirby," said Peach, with just the slightest touch of annoyance in her voice.
"This is bad, dawg," realised Dedede. "He be the only mofo 'round here what knows what to do wit' da cata'pilla'!"
...
"Roughly translated from rapperese to English, he's the only sexual deviant of mothers with the knowledge of how to tackle the caterpillar," Kirby told the others dryly.
"Oh," said everyone, understanding.
"Look-a, it's getting dark," noticed Mario. "Grab Snake's-a body and go, no time-a for this!"
Bowser nodded and hefted Snake's body onto one shoulder, and the Smashers sprinted into the eerie depths of the jungle.
"Oh!" realised Fox, understanding. "That was a good joke, Furby!"
"So's your life," sighed Kirby.
"We'll-a just keep walking until we find daylight-a," reasoned Mario. "This jungle has to end-a sometime!"
"Survivors, immunity is up for grabs!" declared Jeff Probst, appearing from behind a tree.
"No time for that now," said Kirby flatly, as the Smashers continued walking.
Suddenly, Olimar's ship was seen hurtling down through the sky.
"He's come back to jihad us!" screamed Wario, terrified. "This is the end! Everyone take your cyanide pills!"
Wario took some cyanide frantically.
Olimar's ship landed on Jeff Probst, destroying him in a firey explosion of violently-bloody-explosiony-extraordinary death. The death was so intense that it caused Probst to lose consciousness for approximately the next eternity. Poor Jeff.
"I lost my buzz..." said Olimar sadly, walking out of the ship's explosion. He was no longer Evil. "So what's going on now?"
"We're walking," replied Link. "We let Pit die, Snake's out of action, and Wario just took some cyanide...Mewtwo's right, bad things have happened ever since we accepted you, Olimar."
"But we don't have to appear on Survivor," pointed out Popo.
"Yeah, everyone knows the cheap British knock-offs of Survivor are a thousand times better!" laughed Nana.
"I guess some good did come of this!" smiled Link. "You're a welcome addition, Olimar!"
Everyone agreed amicably.
"Hey, Wario, dude!" chuckled Sonic. "You didn't even die!"
"Yeah!" laughed Wario. "I guess cyanide has no effect on me! I love happy endings!"
"It's-a not over yet," pointed out Mario.
"Happy resolutions?" asked Wario.
Wario exploded, showering everyone in cyanide.
...
"I'm okay," panted Wario, in pain.
Wolf and his team, however, were not okay.
The slowly flowing liquid of dreams poured from the Fountain of Dreams, spilling down onto the land below. The land below was the Green Greens, floating just underneath the fountain since Master Hand had requisitioned it for his Melee tournament.
The Wolfen touched down in front of the Whispy Woods, and Wolf stepped out cautiously, followed by his hapless team.
"Look," noticed Wolf, pointing at an oil slick. "If the Minister is a ROB, then he must be here."
"No crap," scoffed Ganondorf. "Do we know anyone else who runs on oil?"
"I used to drink it by the can back home!" smiled Jigglypuff. "I'm pretty sure I'm fine, though!"
Jigglypuff looked at the bodies of dead Waddle Dees.
"Look, dead people!" smiled Jigglypuff incessantly.
"Shut up," ordered Wolf. "Just be careful, alright? Lucario said the Minister was meeting up with more of his cronies here. So we have to be real quiet. You two protect Lucario and climb up these dream clouds. I'll fly back up slowly."
"Fine, whatever," sighed Ganondorf.
"Remember to stay quiet," warned Wolf.
"Heard you the first time," sighed Ganondorf.
"And don't go onto the actual fountain just yet," continued Wolf.
"Sure, we won't already," said Ganondorf, getting annoyed.
"And try not to fuck things up this time!" snarled Wolf, bitterly remembering every other attempt.
"Can we just go and do this already?" asked Ganondorf irritably.
"I'm tired of failing," spat Wolf angrily, walking back to the Wolfen. "ROB could already have a human mind stolen by now."
"Wolf, should I help you?" asked Lucario. "I don't think I should be with these idiots!"
Wolf paused briefly at his Wolfen.
"They need someone to watch over them," scoffed Wolf. "They're pathetic."
"True, but you'd be better at protecting me!" warned Lucario.
"Give it a rest, Lucario!" snapped Wolf. "Let's just get this show on the road!"
Lucario nodded sadly, and watched miserably as Wolf re-entered his Wolfen. Jigglypuff, Ganondorf and Lucario prepared for what they all expected to be the least successful stealth mission of all time....
And that's another chapter down! I counted my tiny plans, made estimates, and my guess for the final number of chapters for Rebuilding will be 57 with 58 as an epilogue.
That number is not definitive however, but expect this to carry on until somewhere in the late fifties-early sixties?!
R&R time, kiddies.