And Help Me Understand
EPOV
Standing at the door to Bella's rehab room, she laughed along with the blonde. The two were lying on there fronts on Jane's bed, looking through something.
Next thing I heard was Bella howl with laughter. It was good to hear. It was actually pretty amazing to her.
"I can't believe you all dressed up like that and just pretended to be normal." She told Jane, clearly amused.
"You just got to have some fun." She shrugged back in reply.
I knocked on the door, alerting them to me standing here.
The both turned around sharply but as Jane nodded and turned back to whatever she was looking at, Bella jumped to her feet, making her way to me.
She hesitated on her feet a little, so I pulled on her waist, bringing her closer to me and kissing her firmly on the lips. She pulled away almost instantly, glancing across to a distracted Jane.
I was a little surprised she was being so reserved, but maybe she knew it would make her uncomfortable, so I gave her it. I let my hands drop to my sides and tried my hardest to show that I didn't mind, even thought the only thought I had thought the night before, was to hold Bella like I had held her in the car on the way here, yesterday.
"Want to go a walk?" I nodded up the hall, hopeful that we could have some time alone.
She nodded with a tight smile as I reached for her hand. "Where's Charlie?" She asked as she looked up and down the hallway.
"He's filling out your paper work since he never got it all done yesterday." We began to wander up the hall, "We have ten minutes then we are all going into talk to Aro."
She only nodded at my words. She seemed a little...distant.
"How did you sleep last night?" I had been worried as hell but I had prayed that the medication worked for her.
She swayed her head. "It helped...but the nightmares still happened." She looked a little upset. "Aro said that perhaps an increase in the dose will help it. I did sleep, just...they were still a little disturbed. Its freaky having to take pills to stop you from dreaming..." She mused to herself.
"It's not. Not when you need a break from them." I promised.
"How was your session with Aro?" She was scheduled to see him herself this morning.
"Fine." It was all she gave. I looked at her, wanting more from her.
She looked back up at me. "It was. Nothing major." she told me flatly. She seemed a little cold with me. It was odd. Had Aro said something to her to annoy her? Had I?
"What about Jane? How is she?" I tired to keep the conversation going. It was running flat. She didn't seem to want to talk to me.
"Fine. She's been here for two weeks. She harms herself too. She pulls out her hair." She shrugged so nonchalantly.
I was a little freaked out by this one and it must have been written across my face. "Don't give that look Edward. It's serious. That's why she keeps her hair tied back."
I only nodded, not entirely too sure of where to go from that one.
The air between us fell silent and I was sure there had been a change. I just didn't know what.
"I heard the two of you laughing." I stated in the hope of getting some kind of response.
"She was showing me pictures of back home, with her friends and her mum and that..." My gut clenched at that. Of course she wasn't going to be ecstatic – she was digging up all her past and all the hell she had went through. I could have strangled myself from my own insensitivity.
"I don't have pictures." She told me out of no where. "I mean, I have some with my mum and dad and Phil and the rest of my family from when I was younger. But I don't have ones of my friends." She shrugged, her face so heartbreakingly sad. "Maybe Jake has some...maybe Alice, too..."
"I'm sure some of your old friends have some." I told her with a nudge into the side, sure of myself that her other friends had pictures.
She shook her head. "I...I had a few friends in Florida...but not any real friends. Alice and Jake are my only friends. But I suppose that doesn't count either." Her tone only seemed to fall as she spoke and I was growing worried that she was tearing her self apart. Could Alice and Jake be the only two friends she had? I knew that was what she was saying, but was it true?
"How do they not count?" I asked confused.
She sighed as she waved her hand. "Jake isn't talking to me after you two fought and Alice...well she lives in Seattle now. And I don't think we have any pictures." She let out with another sad sigh.
I was actually hating this conversation.
"It's only pictures..." I tried to reassure her.
She snapped at me. "No, its not. Its life, what you did and who with...I have no one and no one wants to do anything with me." Her eyes welled up with unshed tears and I wanted to make her past different, but I couldn't. I couldn't magically produce pictures and I couldn't change her whole damn shit life either.
She was an amazing person and the fact that no one else had bothered to get to know her...I just couldn't understand it.
"Hey," I tugged on her arm pulling her into an empty side room. "I don't want to hear you talking like that. People are missing out on you. I don't know why...but if you could only know the things I want to do with you." She rolled her eyes at that one.
"Don't, Bella. I never meant that." I knew she thought I was only meaning to sleep with her. It couldn't have been further from the truth. "I love you...I need you to get better so we can get on with those things...that life you want. We can take all the pictures in the world if that's what you want."
Her lips pouted at my words so I reached down, kissing her.
She pulled away from me, again.
"Maybe we're not meant to take pictures together, maybe this was your job. To get me here. You've done that..." Her eyes dropped to the floor at the same time my stomach did.
Was she being serious? Was she trying to tell me that this was all over with?
I reached up for her face, to make her look at me, but before I could, she drew away from my hand, rushing past me and out the door.
Was this over?
I quickly followed after her, hot on her heals. "Bella." I called in a semi hushed panic. She couldn't just walk away from me. Not like that. "Bella." I called on her again, but she was too quick for her own good and before I knew it she was standing in front of her father and Aro.
"Ahh, you're both here, now. Come along." Aro told as he started towards his office.
"NO." Bella shouted out, startling Aro and causing him to look back.
"I mean, just me. Edward is leaving. He has something to do." My heart rate increased and I felt hot with panic. She wasn't doing this to me. Not like this. She couldn't. She told me she loved me.
"Bella..." Her name croaked out my mouth. It was practically inaudible.
Aro looked suspiciously towards both of us.
"Has something happened?" He asked.
Bella shook her head. "No, something important came up. He needs to go. He's sorry. It's complicated."
I didn't know if it was just part of her lie or if she was trying to apologize to me without the others knowing.
I wasn't letting her get away with it. "She's lying. Bella, what's going on?"
She looked up to Aro in panic. "He doesn't need to come in, right?"
Aro narrowed his eyes suspiciously towards her. "Bella..." he warned. She shook her head, furiously. "It needs to come out."
"What does?" "What?" Charlie and I snapped at the same time.
"You can't make me."She growled at Aro.
"Are you refusing to talk today?" She nodded silently, telling him yes.
"Very well, then. You can go back to your room." He told her so bloody casually. He was just letting her get away with it. He couldn't just give her an out like that.
"Charlie, if you would like to still join me for our discussion on Bella's appointment from this morning...maybe you would care to invite Edward,too."
He rose a brow at Bella, telling her that what ever she was trying to cover up, was still going to come out. She had no control. She had no rights. Charlie needed to know and if he decided to invite me in with him, Bella couldn't do anything to stop it.
"Please..." she begged him in a whisper.
"It's your choice, Bella. You can explain to them, or I will."
Those unshed tears began to make tracks on her face as a sob ripped out from her chest as she dropped her head. She nodded, agreeing.
Aro began to walk forward to his office and she followed. I walked a step behind her wondering what the hell had gone on.
"Rosalie..." it was only one word, but Aro had put it out there. I frowned in confusion as Bella continued to sob, trying to silence her self. I wanted to go to her, to try and ease her cries.
"Rosalie...as in my sister in law?" I asked confused. Aro nodded.
I was still confused. What did Rosalie have to do with this?
"Bella..?" Aro, tried to get her to talk but she shook her head, refusing.
"Charlie...Edward, it seems that there was some...catalyst for her previous overdose attempt." Aro turned to look at me, and I could feel the panic build in me. Was this my fault? "Charlie had spoken to me yesterday about some concern of someone having words with Bella, causing her to take the pills. And from what I have gathered, it was an altercation at the wedding, regarding Rosalie..." His eyes slowly shifted from me to Bella and my own eyes followed, needing to know the truth.
Bella burst out with a ball of fury. "This is bullshit. You don't get to tell him my stuff. It has nothing to do with any of you." She stood up, no doubt wondering where she could run too, but she couldn't run. She had no where to go.
"This is my life. Not his. Leave him out of it. I want him gone."
"I want him here. "Charlie rushed out. I was completely taken aback that he was letting me stay, despite Bella's protests.
"He stays." Aro shrugged casually. "Bella, it's your father that is in charge. I'm sorry. It's just the way it is."
She looked stunned as her eyes ran from Aro to Charlie and back to Aro's once again.
She never looked at me. Instead she sat down, pulling her chair closer to Charlie. She really did want me gone.
"What was said?" because I really needed to know. I knew that Rosalie had the tendency to be a royal bitch but I also knew Bella and her unstable mind could flip out easily. Was it an over reaction? I needed to know.
The room was quiet and all I looked at was the back of Bella's head.
"Bella, you need to speak." Aro pushed her on. "You need to tell them the truth, what happened. You need to tell the both of them. I'm not blaming you or Rosalie, you just need to tell them the events that led up to you trying to overdose." He was so calm and collected. He must have had nerves of steel. I knew inside I was falling apart and I was sure it was pretty apparent on my face as well.
I got up off of my seat and knelt down at her feet, aching for her to look at me. I reached out to her, placing my hand on her knee but she still wouldn't look at me.
"Bella...what did she say?" I tried to push gently.
Her eyes darted back to Aro and you could see the contempt that they held. She was mad.
"Bella, we have to talk about how those words affected you, how they made you want to try and kill yourself." Aro told her firmly.
"I didn't want to kill myself. I just wanted pain to take away the thoughts in my head. I wanted to be detached. Separate myself... I wanted to be numb."
I couldn't help it. I lashed out. "You want pain. Do it to yourself, fucking safely." I snapped at her. Jumping to my feet I reached out for the jug of iced water, grasping onto the bobbing blocks of ice.
Looks of confusion ran between Bella and Charlies face as I grabbed hold of her wrist and forcing the ice into her palm. "Try that for a god damn distraction." I yelled my words at her, tightening her grip around the ice.
I felt dizzy with fury. How could she not have saw what she could have done to herself?
Charlies hand grabbed at my own wrist, stopping my tight grip from making her hold the ice. My hand backed away and her own hand opened up, dropping the ice to the floor.
I felt my body tremble. I felt like I was going crazy.
Looking back at Bella, she looked scared of me. I couldn't believe I had installed that fear into her, that she was scared of me. Her eyes were wide.
I crumpled to the floor, to her feet. "I'm sorry." the words were only a whisper.
"Perhaps you need to give yourself a moment, Edward." I turned my head to Aro and he nodded towards the door.
"No, I'm fine." I knew I wasn't, but the look that Bella had was bringing me straight down back to reality.
"Rosalie..?" I asked, needing to know the story and trying to get back to where we were from my outburst.
Aro only sighed at me ignoring his words and Bella struggled to look at me. Charlie...he was watching me with deeply concerned eyes and I knew it wasn't me who he was concerned about, it was my actions towards Bella.
"Bella, do you want Edward here for this? I think after his outburst, it really is up to you. Don't you agree, Charlie?" Aro was trying to get her to kick me out now. He knew whatever was going to be said, it wouldn't be received well after that.
Charlie agreed and I knew I was going to be kicked out. She wanted me gone. She hadn't wanted me here in the first place. I had been holding on by the tips of my fingers and I now just let go of any chance to stay.
"I'm sorry, Love." The words were a whisper, still. I gently caressed her knee with my hand as I got up, off of the floor. I wanted to kiss her on the forehead but I knew that it was out of the question now.
Slowly I headed to the door, my hand resting on the handle.
"I...I don't want you to go." her words were rushed out, telling me to stay.
Turning to face the room, the look on Bella's face had changed. It wasn't that frightened look that I had caused, it was the scared look she would carry after being woken from a nightmare, the glazed eyes looking for the touch of someone to hold her.
Charlie looked unimpressed by her decision, but he kept quiet.
"Fine." Aro sighed. "But that's it Bella, you had your chance." He warned her and I felt a small growl trying to escape my chest at his words to her. I wanted to be here, even without her permission, because I now knew that whatever happened was related to Rosalie. But Aro...I didn't like his tone with her.
I made my way back to my seat and as I did, Bella's hand reached out for me. I wanted to speak to her alone. I wanted to tell her that it was all going to be alright and I wanted to get to lie out with her and sleep.
I hated her being in her. I knew the practice of what help she was getting, could help her. But I misses it just being us two, in my apartment and in my bed.
It had only been one day as well.
"Bella..." Aro asked for her to start.
She turned to face me, her hand resting on my knee, just like mine had on hers. She was trying to sooth me. "Rosalie...she had a go at me. But she was right too. Don't blame her because what she said was true."
I saw Aro shake his head at that one, but he still kept quiet. He was letting her speak.
I waited for her to gather her words together but I felt the fear grow in my bones at what Rosalie had said. Aro had said her words had been Bella's catalyst.
"She told me I needed to leave you, that I was to let you be, before I broke your heart." Was this it? Was this the reason she had tried to hurt herself?
"I...I don't want to be without you. But Rosalie was right. She knows I'm a mess and all she was trying to do, was to look out for you." her tone was heartbreaking "Don't be angry at her..." she pleaded.
I looked up towards Aro and then back to Bella.
"So you did that, because she didn't want us to be together." I asked incredulously. Who the hell did Rosalie think she was?
"Bella..." Aro prompted her again and I knew that there was more. There had to be.
"What did she say, Bella. Tell me. I won't get mad, okay." I hoped to god if I did, I could keep it in check.
Bella's eyes dropped and so did her hand. She pulled away from me.
So I reached for her, placing my hand on her arm, gently.
"She told me that I had compromised myself with the..." She began to sob so I squeezed her arm, letting her know I was here for her. "...with the way I have acted. She told me that she had been raped, but I had lay down and asked for it."
My heart stopped at her words. My breathing stopped at her words.
"She what?" I asked a little too firmly. I didn't mean to scare her, but she flinched at my tone.
"That bitch. That's why you did that to yourself?" Charlies tone matched mine and it made me feel better that it wasn't only me who was disgusted with Rosalie's words. "She doesn't know you Bella. She can't judge you. Tell her Aro." Charlies voice grew.
"I have." He replied calmly. "We have been through this at extraordinary lengths. I thought it was important that you both knew, though. Especially since she seems to be compelled to still believe her words."
"She's wrong, Bella." I tried to hide my anger. My teeth clenched at my words. I was down by her side again. "She's wrong. Don't believe it and don't try and pull that shit with me because she said so."
I could understand her actions now. I could see her trying to push me away earlier and now I understood why she was doing it.
"But she's right. You deserve better than me." She argued.
"Then why did you let me stay, just now? You could have got rid of me. You wanted me here."
"I needed you." She sobbed into her hands. "And you...you scared me. You scared me because you got so angry with what I did to myself."
I felt confused at her words.
"What do you mean, Bella? Are you scared of me? Do you want me to go?" I didn't understand but now I knew her reasoning, I would leave if that was what she really wanted. I wanted to stay with her, but if she wanted me gone. I would go. Especially if she was scared of me.
"You got so mad there. I knew you were mad at the hospital with me. But just there...with the ice...you lost control, because I pushed you." Her words were mixed with the tears she shed. "You love me." it was as if it was the great revelation. It was as if she hadn't believed my words before.
"I told you that...Did you not believe me?" I was pained by that thought, that she thought I had just said the words.
"I...I don't know. I thought you cared about me...like Jake does...like Alice does. But none of them look at me like that."
"I'm mad about you, I love you so much...Seeing all this...It's killing me. I wish you didn't have to go through it. But trust me when I say it, I love you and the only way you can break my heart is if you listen to Rosalie. Shit, I know I'm in too deep here. We all fucking know it. But I'm not leaving you and you don't get to leave me either. Not at Rosalie's words at least. If you want me gone, send me away, but only if you really want me gone."
The room was silent and all I could focus on was the doubt's Bella had.
I didn't care of she never loved me. I loved her and that alone would make me stay, even if all I ever was to her, was someone she could cry on.
Between Bella and Aro – all had been explained.
I was so damn angry at Rosalie. I had no idea how the hell I had kept myself in check. But I knew I had too. In front of Bella at least.
Once I got hold of Rosalie, she was going to wish she had never crossed my path – Ever.
But I was still with Bella, so I had to swallow my rage and concentrate on her and let her know and maker her understand that Rosalie was wrong; because she still thought Rosalie was right.
Through her session with the three of us, she had sobbed her heart out for the most of it. She was exhausted with the tears.
She lay out on her bed, her eyes rested closed but she was still awake. She practically purred below the small strokes I gave to her cheek.
She looked a little more content and a little more at ease. Charlie sat by me, the three of us in total silence.
Jane had came walking into the room with tears of her own, but as soon as her eyes landed on us, she tried with haste to wipe them away.
It was so sad to see. This place was filled with broken people. The only thing that gave me hope, was that they were all trying to get help. I could only think about the thousands of others that was in the same position, but without it.
Jane's parents followed her in, them taking there seats, just like we had. It felt like we were intruding on there privacy, but the general point of having a shared room, was to share with others. It was to try and break down the walls and open up communication.
Bella's eyes fluttered open at the sound of the others and a faint knowing smile passed between the two before she closed her eyes once again.
When I had arrive, the two were laughing, and now they looked like shadows of the girls from this morning.
Suddenly, Charlie began to speak. "So when do you plan on going back home, Edward?"
I didn't want to have to think about leaving her, but I knew I had too. I had a job to get back too. As much as I wanted to stay by Bella's side, I had to leave her.
Bella's eyes opened, looking straight into mine. She was waiting for me to answer.
I sighed. "I'll need to leave tomorrow night." I hoped that some time apart would help build her own self confidence a little too. I knew she had depended on me too much and this could be one of the worst things to do to her, but life still had to carry on. If not, I wouldn't have a job and my intern-ship would be up in smoke.
She never spoke. She only closed her eyes again.
I knew that Bella would be spending less time with us soon enough. Aro had already decided. He didn't want us around her constantly. She needed to find her own legs through this.
Charlie silently got up, leaving us alone. I had no idea where he went, other than he did.
"Are you okay with that?" I asked carefully, knowing I never really had any choice in the matter.
She kept her eyes closed, but gave out a small shrug, as if she couldn't care less. But I knew she did.
"You can call me. And I will be back tomorrow and see you before I go back to Forks." I promised to her.
"You get on with Jane..." I whispered to her, knowing she had her to confide in.
She nodded at that one. But she still never spoke. "You will have your medication fixed. It should stop the nightmares tonight." I really hoped that they would stop, that it would help her. Let her rest.
She let out a little laugh and opened her eyes to me. "I think your panicking more than me." Her smile was small but she was trying, she was trying to ease me. It was ridiculous.
I laughed back at her words. "I just don't want you to worry. Its been a hard couple of days, but you are getting through them."
"Why did you try to make me hold the ice?" She asked, her features looking confused.
I shrugged, feeling embarrassed at my actions. "It's a method used to help people who self-injure. Pain without doing any damage. All it is, is frozen water."
"I didn't mean that pain. I just wanted a...a blank for a little while. I little bit rest." her words whispered along her pillow, her voice a sweet caress to the ears, despite her darker words.
"I know. I over reacted. In case you haven't noticed, I have a tendency to do it quite often." We both let out little laughs at my words knowing I was right.
"But Rosalie...you won't be too mad with her, will you?" Her eyes looked up at me and she wanted me to tell her that I wouldn't say anything to her, that I was going to let it go. But I couldn't and I wasn't lying to her.
"I will be speaking to her. She had no right to say that too you. She was cruel and vindictive and took serious advantage of your emotions." I kept my voice soft so not to worry her but inside my blood was boiling at the thought. Christ, I was a good actor.
"Please, no. She didn't realize." Her words a small panic for Rosalie. I struggled to even comprehend Bella wanting to let her get away with it. She Should have been mad and wanted her to pay. But she didn't, all she wanted was to move on from the matter and give Rosalie the benefit of the doubt that her concern was about me and not an attack on her. Even though it was.
"Look at you. You are so much the bigger person here, Bella. You are passing no blame on to her, when you know it was her words that sent you spiralling. I could have lost you."
"But you never. You need to move on. I'm still here. Don't hold resentment towards the people you love. Don't hold resentment at all." Her eyes glazed over and the light from the window bounced off of the brown. "I was so angry towards my mum. She wouldn't listen to me and I was right..." I reached for her hand, grasping hold of it, tight. "I never argued with her in the car. I just went. But for a long time I hated that she didn't believe me and she was gone because of it." Tears spilled down her cheeks and I reached with my other hand and wiped gently at her pale skin.
"Just don't carry the resentment around like I did. It's not good for anyone. She cares about you. She was concerned..." Maybe she was, but she still had no right to talk to Bella like she had. That was out of line.
I sighed, because I wasn't agreeing or disagreeing with her. Rosalie had been wrong. I knew that. Charlie knew that. Aro knew that. Soon enough, everyone would know it.
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