Ahayuta

BOPV

I would see Edward today.

It was the only thought in my head. The only one I could concentrate on.

Brushing my hair, I tried to look nice for him. It was never usually such a concern to me, I never felt this great need to glam up and demand attention. I liked to hide away and for no one to notice me.

But this was different.

I wanted Edward and I wanted him to look at me and to not feel ashamed of my appearance. He had already taken on so much with my life that he didn't need me too look terrible as well.

"This." I felt a tap on my shoulder as I looked in the mirror to find Jane handing me some other make-up product.

I hadn't slept much and was also trying to hid the effects. It wasn't that I couldn't sleep, the medication had thwarted that issue, it was more the fact that I just missed Edward. I missed his warm arms around me, his physical presence in the bed beside me. I needed him as much as I had needed the nightmares to stop.

"Thanks..." I replied back, taking the product from her with some confusion.

"It will help with those dark circles." She informed me with a soft smile as she gripped onto the top of my arm comforting me.

I only nodded and thought back to the night Edward had left me.

He was gone and for a change I felt positive. I could see past this point in my life. It was still going to be an obstacle, but I would work my way around it and I was determined to live the life I wanted. The life that I had always planned.

The nightmares had left me but I still wept into my pillow knowing that I wasn't going to see Edward.

I had felt so positive, sure of myself. But with him gone and the dark surrounding me I felt lost. I wasn't exhausted with sleep deprivation any more but without Edwards warmth to lull me to sleep, I couldn't.

I tossed and turned in the covers, tangling my legs in the harsh starch sheets.

There were no tears at first, just the annoyance of not being able to sleep. I tossed some more and when I realized what I was missing, the tears began. I missed Edward.

I would have got through it knowing that he would see me come morning, but now he was back in Forks, there was going to be no Edward, not for another three more nights.

The tears began to slide from my eyes, silently. Wiping at my face they didn't cause me too much bother but the pain in my heart was horrendous.

I sniffled in the dark for a while before I felt my bed shift. A small arm that felt totally out of place, gave me warmth. It was Jane.

There were no words. No grand actions of consolation. Only her tiny thin arm draping around my waist.

It was all I need.

It was a reminder that people cared.

Charlie cared

Edward Cared

Alice cared

And now, Jane cared.

I appreciated her warm touch, especially knowing she was struggling with her own issues, but then again, that's why she could understand. We lived in different worlds with our own problems, but what connected us was our loneliness at no one being able to understand our distress. We were both alone.

I felt her head against my back and I knew she wasn't Edward. I knew that and I understood it. What I realized was that she was someone in my world, someone that struggled with life.

I never tried to imagine that she was Edward. She wasn't being used like that. She was being appreciated as a new bond that could help me get through this.

The next day Aro was quick to point out the observation from the nurses.

We had shared a bed. But he wasn't surprised. The same as he wasn't surprised that I never though

of Jane as a substitute for Edward.

He said to the out side it was easy to assume that she had taken his roll, but to people in our situation, they knew she was someone I could lean against.

I cried again that day with Aro. He dragged the events of my trip to New Orleans out of me and I cried at all the memories he had made me bring up. We assessed everything. Every moment, every word and every fear.

Fear was key.

Fear was what I had lived my life by.

It sounded mad as I had felt fearless for so long. I never worried about my sexual conquests, what they may have had or what they could have done to me. I was never scared to jump from a cliff and hurl to the crashing waters below. I never felt in ounce of fear as I took illegal narcotics that could have left me in any situation possible.

I wasn't scared. I wasn't scared to be reckless.

What I was scared from was to be normal. To live life by a nine to five job or go to college. I was afraid to get into a routine where I would get along with my dad. I was petrified to get into a relationship and to want someone.

I was running scared of ever losing another person again, to have those bonds and grow, only to disappear later in life.

I thought I was being brave. I thought I lived life in the fast lane.

I was wrong.

I was refusing to let people in and to feel any possible future loss.

Alice had pushed past that barrier but even then I had kept her at a reasonable length. We were close but she knew nothing of my life prior. I pulled her along with me, dragging her into disaster after disaster. Same for Jacob. I used him for comfort but I never let him in. He loved me and I refused to ever let myself feel for him, what he felt for me.

I did love him, on some level I had let him in, but it wasn't like Edward.

Edward was something different all together. Edward came skidding into my life and came skidding into my heart. He rail-road through my soul, hell bent on finding out the truth, the thing I didn't want to give up, my personal hell.

But he broke me down.

I still couldn't understand it. How did he get to me so quick? How could he have that power over me? How did I ever fall in love with him when it was the only one thing I refused to give?

He was coming. He was coming to see me.

He had given me this tiny little flicker of light. This glow. A matchstick glow that had turned into this blazing fire of light and warmth.

Looking at the product in my hand I was a little confused on how to get it out.

Jane let out an exasperated sigh and pulled it back out of my hand.

"Now darling," She stretched out her last words with the mock accent of some one like Zaza Gabour. "you twist the end and brush out the grey." She told me still with her mock accent as she did what she said.

Her fingers danced across my skin as she fixed me up, hiding my struggle. I wasn't as bad look as I had been two mornings previous. I was growing to sleeping alone now.

She took the make-up pen in her mouth and pretended to smoke on it. "What do you think, sweetie." She joked some more. "Aro said I need to develop a new way to handle my anxiety. Is smoking a look?" She pouted her lips and and batted her eyelashes making it look almost glamorous as if she was some fifties icon.

"I think you should stick with the kick boxing." I told her flatly but trying to keep the smile off of my face.

"Doesn't it suit me, darling?" She asked still using her faux accent. She pretended to flick her hair back off of her shoulder but in reality it was still held tight in her usual little bun.

Pushing her in front of the mirror I had, I shook my head.

"No, no, no, darling." I played along with, using the same accent. It reminded me a little of the fun I used to have with Alice. Alice always had some alter ego up her sleeve.

"What I think you need is to let your hair down." I told her as I gently tugged at her bun, silently asking to take her hair down.

She knew what I was asking and nodded in the mirror with a small nod.

I gently pulled her hair loose of it bobble, letting it fall down to her shoulders. She shook her head, swishing her hair completely loose.

"Do you think I should become a blond?" I asked half serious as I let my fingers trail through the ends of her soft hair.

"No, your one of those brooding brunettes. Sultry...sexy...mysterious." She played on her words making them all appearer far more superior to what they really were. "If you go blond you will just become some slut with your track record." She joked. She laughed at her words and I knew that she never meant harm. We could push one another on our own realities and it didn't seem to phase us. If anyone else had done it, it would have been wrong, simply because they couldn't understand it.

Jane knew my sexual activity was part of my condition as much as pulling out her hair was hers.

"You are way too mean for your own good." I joked with a gentle shove. "You're evil." I laughed as I tried to narrow my eyes on her, pretending to be serious.

She laughed at my act too and we both knew we meant nothing with our words.

"So...what about your boyfriend?" I began. "Is he coming today?" I asked carefully. Jane was in much the same situation as I was with Edward. The land of the unsure-what-the-hell-to-call-it, relationship."

"Yes." She smiled up at me brightly as she answered. "Of course..." She was smitten with him but she never got to see much of him, due to the fact that they were both in their last year of high school. "He should be here about lunch time, so I can try to make myself look good for him, too." She fluffed at her hair once again before letting out a little defeated sigh.

"It doesn't matter to him." I reminded her. She had spoke of her boyfriend, Felix. He was a good friend of her twin brother, Alec. When speaking abut him, she seemed so positive that he was accepting of her issues.

There relationship had started in the typical way that they do with friends of siblings. Felix had hung around her often as she was close to her brother and eventually, a relationship with Felix transpired from that.

I was sure that he cared about her. A lot. She had been struggling with her school. She was an academic and all her classes were honours. She felt pressure and at the death of her grandmother, she just couldn't cope any more and so she began to pull at her hair - literally.

That was a year ago. The damage was clear and she was quick to admit the cause but she had struggled to stop. Now she was learning, in a way that suited her, how to take control once again.

"What about your doc?" She asked raising her brows suggestively.

"What about him?" I asked with an amused smile at her actions.

"When is he getting here?" She played with the ends of her hair once again and I took her hand and placed it on her knee as I took it upon myself to do something with the blond strands.

Gently, I French plaited it for her and tied up the end with the bobble that I had took out form her bun. "I don't know." I answered with a nonchalant shrug, trying not to show how eager I was to see him. "It's a long drive..." I explained, not expecting him till after lunch. It was his day off and he deserved his rest.

She looked pleased as she watched me do her hair and I hoped it made her feel a little better about how she looked. Smiling at me through the mirror, she looked happy. She was ready for home. She was a strong girl and I knew she would be leaving soon. I didn't need to hear it from her or Aro. I could see it.

Losing her would be hard.

But I had her cell number and her e-mail address and maybe sometime I could visit her. She was still at school but she was the same age as Jake. Actually she was a month older than him. She was a bond and I refused to break it, especially when she had got me through the week.

Suddenly I heard a voice.

One I recognised.

One I had missed.

Jacob.

Was it really him?

My head snapped towards our room door and I felt Jane's eyes land on me, confused at my actions.

I took a few hesitant steps, worried if it was him.

We had been on such bad terms. Had he forgiven me for choosing Edward?

Jake was so obnoxious at times, I couldn't ever imagine him coming to me here of his own free will. Had Charlie guilt tripped him into it?

I carefully peaked around the frame of the door, my eyes instantly landing on Jacobs bulky frame,

He was here. Jacob was here.

My eyes went straight on to the figure next to him.

Edward.

Charlie was there too.

I turned to Jane and she could read the panic on my face.

"What's wrong?" She asked, her own panic for me lacing her voice.

"Ja...Jake..." I stuttered. "He's here. With Edward." I gasped.

A large smile broke out across her face. "That's...good? Isn't it?" She asked confused.

She knew all about my history with Jake and of course the fight that Edward and him had.

"I don't know..." I let out worried.

"Bella, breath." She told me sharply. "Go out and see him. You wanted this."She reminded me.

I had wanted to make up with Jake, not for him to have another fight with Edward.

There was no way that the two could go through a day without Jacob sniping at Edward. I knew Jake and he wasn't one to forgive easily. I struggled to think of him forgiving me, never mind Edward.

I did as she instructed and I took a large gasp of air before walking out to the hall way.

Edward instantly saw me and smiled as Charlie and Jake spoke away.

I wanted to run into his arms for him to hold me, Edward that was, but Jake also. I wanted Jake to hug me and forgive me.

Jacobs eyes were quick to land on me and despite my need to rush up to all three of them, I stayed rooted to the floor, waiting on them to come to me. I was to scared to do anything else.

Jacob smiled at me and I knew from the look in his eyes he had forgiven me. That was why he was here. He was here for me. I just couldn't believe that Charlie had managed to talk him around to coming to Seattle to see me.

Jake got to me first, his big strong arms pulling me up and into him, before twirling me round on the spot and placing a chaste kiss on my cheek. I laughed at his actions and the fact that I had him in my life.

Jacob cared.

Why had I been so quick to think he would strike me off for life? He was stubborn and there was no doubt about it that he was mad with me, but he still loved me. I should have known that he still cared and would have come around, given time.

Gently, he placed me back down onto my feet as Charlies arms pulled me towards him, hugging me. It was still so bizarre. This is what we did now. He, himself had been so awkward on how to deal with my mums death that he had hindered me along the way. Aro had told him that. I was shocked at his words, but he was right.

Charlie had lost Renee too, all over again, and he too had been closed off. We kept our thoughts and feeling at bay from the other and doing so had only put more distance between us. We were working on our relationship, and Aro thought that physical contact was a great way to help with emotional contact.

His fatherly hug was short and sweet and something that I had looked forward too. It was a sense of belonging. I was his. I was still his daughter. I had grown up and did so many wrong things, but I was still that girl.

The third hug was what I had been longing for. The one I was desperate for. That one I needed.

His arms wrapped around my back firmly and as I drew in closer to him, I inhaled that smell that was him. It filled my lungs and senses and the warmth made me feel like I was home again.

The low gentle whisper of the word 'Love' in my ear stood as his greeting. I never said anything back. I was sure my grip on him was telling him everything.

Slowly his hand reached my face, his fingers cradling my cheek. His body pulled away slightly but only so he could greet me the way I was desperate for. A kiss.

His lips gently and polity brushed against mine and I wanted more. I wanted deeper, I wanted to taste him. But I never, because I knew that he was being reserved in the presence of Jacob and Charlie and I wasn't wanting to make anyone uncomfortable, especially Jacob.

That relationship was hanging by a thread and I wasn't going to let it snap.

Charlie and Edward had left to give Jacob and I some time alone to talk things through properly.

The four of us had chatted away awkwardly for a while but the obvious tension still hung in the air and it needed to be sorted out.

I sat on my bed and Jake sat across from me, his huge frame taking up most of his side of the bed.

He looked around at the room and a now empty side, that belonged to Jane.

"So..." He put out into the air.

I shrugged, not really knowing what to do. "So...How's things going at the reservation?" I carefully asked, not wanting to stand on toes.

"Fine...The normal, really..." There was a silent pause before he sighed.

"Is this it?" He asked a little sharply. "Are we going to talk about this or pretend its all normal?" He eyed me up, looking for an answer.

Nervously, I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and glanced up into his sparking brown eyes. They were always warm, even when his tone wasn't.

"What do you know?" Had Charlie told him why I was here – That I had tried to overdoes again.

"A lot." He started. "Edward told me everything on the way down. He-"

I interrupted him, surprised. "Wait. Edward drove you down?" Had Edward went to Jake?

"Yeah. He came to talk to me. He told me what happened, what you tried to do..." I nodded silently at that one as I let my eyes fall to the mattress below me.

"I told him a lot too, Bella." His tone was different. It was sorry.

Looking up to him, I tried to think what he meant.

"I told him about James." he rubbed at his face knowing that I had tried to keep that part of my life quiet from everyone.

"Why?" I snapped. "Why did you tell him that?"

"Because he deserved to know." He snapped back just as forcefully. "You did drugs, why couldn't you just tell him that."

"Because...Because he will wonder about the money for them." I replied back, worried that Edward ever found out.

I had pretty much prostituted myself for the narcotics.

"He knows." He told me sharply. "I told him everything. No more secrets and no more lies, Bella. Personally, I don't like he guy, but I see that he's trying to help you. You have a real shot at it now you're here. I'm telling them everything."

"Them?" I asked confused and completely stunned.

"Edward, Charlie...even this doc your seeing here." His words were firm, as if he really was going to do it.

"Wh...what does it matter?" I panicked. "I took some drugs. End of. This doesn't need to come out." It really didn't need to come out, all it would cause was more upset and for them to lose all faith in me. I hadn't touched a drug since I had smoked the marijuana in Jacobs garage the day I had ran Edward off the road.

"It does matter. Its a pretty big matter. They need to know that you relied on that shit too." he groaned.

"I never relied on it." I argued. I never had a problem with drugs, I used them, but I never had a problem with them. I had never touched cocaine after what had happened with Alice, instead I stuck to marijuana and mushrooms.

"I know you don't have a real problem with that stuff, but they needed to know. Edward is looking out for you. Fuck, Bella, you are sharing a bed with him, he deserves to know." He palmed his forehead in sheer frustration at me.

I was shocked to learn he know of me sharing a bed with Edward, too.

"It's in the past." I still tried to fight my corner.

"I don't give a shit, he needed to know in case you ever take it again."

"You took it too." He had, it wasn't only me.

"A few draws." he told me pointedly. "And I never used it as an excuse to hide from reality. I experimented – you used it to forget."

My head hung low at knowing he was right. If it wasn't for me he would have never have been exposed to it in the first place. Like always – I had dragged him into it with me.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled out, the reality of it hitting me.

"It's not about being sorry, Bella. I'm here for you, but you never come to me. I hoped that you would mess about and then get bored and finally tell me what was eating you, but you never, you just got worse. I should have went to Charlie, but I never cos I wanted you to come to me, for you to need me. That was wrong. Now I'm going to make it right because you need me too. You don't want me too, but you need me too do it." Wiping at his eyes he looked out to the window, the sunny day shining through the blinds.

"Why are you like this? What happened in your life that you gave up on it?" His eyes bore into mine and the sincerity of him wanting to be there for me shone out from him.

He was here.

He had always been there for me.

It was time to admit it to him, not because he deserved to know, but because I knew that he was the one person that I knew would never pass judgement on me. He never had, and any thought that he may have in the past, disappeared.

When Alice was pulled away from me, he was all I had left. Why did I let myself become so distant from him, instead of embracing him.

He had never left me.

He took me and he had been intimate with me, but I had never ever been intimate with him.

This was the least he deserved.

Jacobs warm arm slung around my neck, pulling me closer into him. That usual warm fragrance what was his, surrounded me.

I wiped at my tears furiously, determined to wipe them away, along with my past that I had explained all to Jake.

My breath stuttered as I tried to compose myself in his form, his arms only gripping tighter on to me.

"Shhhh." His warm breath tried to sooth me and it did a little.

He was my best friend. He had been the one to stand beside me at every downfall. He had been the one to watch over me as I turned my life into a mess.

He had never wanted that for me, but her knew he was powerless to stop it. All he could do was try to keep an arm out for me in the flood and hope that I could pull myself out.

I was pulling myself out now.

"I'm sorry..." Gasping at the air I tried to calm myself down. "I should have told you...You deserved to know."

His thumb stroked my forearm as he tried to sooth me. "I can understand it now. Cullen told me not to get mad, that it was your way of coping and I suppose as messed up as it is, I can understand it. I don't like it. I can't believe that you never trusted me enough but that you could trust him...That hurts, Bella."

I could see the pain etched on his face and I wondered just how much I had hurt him.

Could he forgive me?

He was here right now, but would he still be my friend when I was back in Forks? Could we hang around the garage like we did, once I was back home?

I wiped at my tears with my sleeves once more and I felt that crying had been the only thing I had done in the past week.

My time here had been hard. I had got though it, saw the positives...But it was still hard.

My cheek lay pressed against Jacobs chest and I could have sat like that for ages. I had missed him so much.

He played with my bracelet, the one that Edward had got me with the saints painted along it and I began to explain who had got me it.

He laughed knowing too well my fondness for saints.

"Am I ever going to be one of those dudes?" he asked jokingly as his finger grazed across the wooden beads.

"You already are." I promised him.

He laughed again. "Really...Then who am I?"

He eyed me suspiciously, unsure whether or not to believe my words.

"You're none of these, palefaces." I smiled up at him. "You're a deity." I explained to him.

Deity's were seen as supernatural to the Native Americans, they were in a sense, Gods. Jacob was one of my gods. He always had been.

"Really?" He asked somewhat amused. "What one am I?" He thrust his shoulder a little, encouraging me to tell all.

"You're, Ahayuta."I told him with deep sincerity.

"Second in command." He said in some mock disapproval. "Who is first in command? Cullen?" He asked a little expectant.

I laughed at his tone as I pulled away from him. "No. I'm first in command. I'm the boss." I joked with a wink.

The story of Ahayuta was that he belonged with Achi. The two gods were often named together as Ahayuta-Achi, but the story is that Achi was never heard from. Instead Ahayata ruled as second in command from the sun god, Awonawilona. Ahayuta is seen as protection or a victory in battle.

Jacob had protected me from the moment he had found me and he was the one that had put up with me the most. No one was more deserving of that title, than him.

He laughed hard and I looked up at him, confused. "What?" I asked confused.

"I made this for you." He told me as he pulled out a little carved wolf on a length of black cord.

It was a symbol of Ahayuta, a carving of him to protect you and to keep you safe.

I smiled as he dangled the little object in front of me.

"You made this...for me?" I asked stunned.

He shrugged. "After I had spoke to Cullen, I figured you needed all the help you could get."

The cord was tied already, the length was long and he placed it over my head and around my neck with out a problem.

I laughed as I seemed to sit along side Saint Christopher with ease.

I was bound to have no issues with all of them looking out for me, the humans as well as the immortals.

"Thank you." I told him in a hushed mumble. All he gave back in reply was a sweet peck to the apple of my cheek.

The two of us sat in silence for a long time, both of us looking out to the lush green in the suburbs or Seattle.

I had my best friend back and I was never going to let go of him now.

I had missed him. I had needed him and I loved him.

The bond between myself and Jake was close like Edward and I, but I could still see the difference.

I knew that on another day I would have to point his loyalty out to him as my friend, and that a friend would all he would ever be.

His arms were warm and they were strong, but still they weren't Edwards.

I was beginning to see the truths that Jake had brought with him and the admissions I would have to talk to Edward about. I needed to tell Edward everything, even my past with drugs and James, despite how fleeting they had been.

How could I expect him to be entirely true with me if I was never entirely true with him.

Truth would prevail in everything.

It had a way of coming out.

Before long I could see the small hesitant look on Edwards face from the far end of the corridor and I knew it was time to come clean. He had heard bits from Jacob and now he would hear it from me.

a/n: Please review – just a little something...

I worked pretty hard on this chapter, so please tell me what you think and also about Jacobs deity – did you like it?

It's true to its legend – the only thing I'm not sure about is how Ahayuta looks – the carving of him for protection is true, but I don't know how he appears – I thought that he may look different to different tribes so I went with him as a wolf.

I never thought I would get this out so quick – I have been typing furiously, but like I said, I have work and I may not be back for a few weeks. But as always, I do think about you, and the support you give so I do try to write when ever I can.