Though I Know I'll Never Lose Affection

EPOV

Frustration rang through me.

Aro was letting Bella down.

I knew it wasn't his fault, that an emergency had come up, but I still hated that the only real time he was able to talk to all of us, he couldn't make it to the arranged appointment this afternoon.

Bella clung to the side of Jacob, his arm pulling her in closer to him. It made me jealous that he was able to get that close to her, but from what I had heard from Jacob, he had been the only real person that was there for her after she and Alice had separated.

He hadn't done much for her, but I was sure that he had kept her safe somewhat. Pulling her back a little from the trouble she seemed so keen on finding.

Learning that it was him that had took her cliff diving in the first place wasn't something I needed to hear, but he had hoped it would be a safer method of idiocy, rather than taking drugs, as either a recreationally or to harm her self.

I suppose it made sense.

Her eyes spotted me from along the corridor and I found myself picking up my pace, determined to have some time with her on my own. I had given the two of them space, and they would have had plenty by now.

Jacob and her had spoke for the last hour and a bit and she had been with Charlie all week so it was only fair that I get some time with her, alone.

Shifting up and away from Jake, she glanced up at me as I came in the room. She gave a small smile but there was some worry showing on her face.

Jacob had told me a lot on the way down.

Her abuse with illegal drugs and the fact that she slept with the sleazy ass hole, that he knew he could work her to get what he wanted, to use her.

I had tired to put that thought to the back of my mind. It had literally filled me with fury and I could feel my skin grow hotter and hotter with rage.

"Hey..." she mumbled out with some hesitation.

I smiled at her in reply and looked towards Jake, looking for him to leave. "Charlie is along at the cafeteria..." I hoped that I was subtle in telling him to go, but if I needed to be more blunt, I would.

He rose his brows at me, no doubt at the gentle prodding of him to leave. But he stood, nodding.

"I'll be back in a little bit, Bells." He told her as he nervously rung his hands. No doubt at him having to face Charlie over Bella's other revelation and the fact he had kept them quite form him.

She gave a small smile up at him and nodded with no words.

Jake retreated from the room with only a fleeting glance in my direction.

Once he was gone, out of sight. I sat down beside Bella, reaching for her face with my hand.

I stroked her bottom lip with my thumb, before I reached down and kissed her chastely but firmly on her perfect lips.

"I missed you." She cooed out with a small smile.

I mirrored her actions and told her I had missed her too. "It's been a long few days." I shrugged almost feeling exasperated with the need to see her.

She scooted up the bed, the tiny little space that had been left between us, and rested her head against my chest, allowing me to wrap my arm around her back.

I could hear the contented sigh as she got comfortable. All the while she never spoke.

Swiping at a few strands of hair from her face, I gently tugged on her chin, to direct her glance at me. Things needed to be said and I needed for her to tell me everything.

I sighed, knowing I was no doubt going to kill the relaxed atmosphere between us, but I preceded anyway. "Bella, Jake told me some things," She nodded a little, letting me know she understood. "I need you to tell me what happened. What happened between you and James?" Her body froze, her breathing stilled and my attempt to read her eyes was taken away from me when she closed them.

"Bella...?" I pushed after a few moments.

"It wasn't anything, Edward." She pulled away from me, turning fetal as she sat on the edge of the bed with her knees up to her chin. "It was...it was..." She sighed in pain, as if the thought was hurting her.

"Did he hurt you?" I asked a little worried.

"No." She jumped quickly. "No, nothing like that. He's not that guy. He's not the best, but he's not that guy either." I nodded.

Jake had explained it to me simply but I wasn't right sure if there was more to the story. Either way though, I needed to hear Bella admit to it.

"Edward, please don't make me tell you. You'll hate me and you wont want me. You say that you love me, trust in me that whatever happened, is over."

Anxiety coursed through my veins. What had happened? Now I really needed to know.

"I swear, I'll still be here. I'm not going anywhere. You just need to say what had happened. Then there will be no more secrets. Just tell me." I pleaded as I pushed my lips on to hers. I hopped it was enough to convince her that I wouldn't leave her.

I was sure I wouldn't. Jake had explained the most of it. What I had heard I had learnt to live with. I hated it. God I fucking hated it. But I was still here.

She looked up at me, her hesitance was crystal clear in her brown eyes. She was afraid. Really afraid.

It only made me worry even more.

"Christ, Bella. Just tell me. You have me thinking the worst right now anyway." Had she loved him? Had she wanted him and he didn't want her? Was I second best?

Jake had said that they had been together half a dozen times or so, was it really more? Was Jake in the dark as much as I was?

I asked because I needed to know. "Do you love him?" I almost snapped the words at her, my jealousy filling the room. There was no denying it. I was jealous. I was jealous of them all.

Her forehead creased in confusion. "You think I love him?" She asked incredulously. "No, Edward. I do not love him." She snapped at me. She was snapping at me? Her eyes glared at me as if I had just completely offended her. "I love you." She snapped again.

"Then tell me what the fuck is going on. I need to know." I demanded, my voice growing louder.

"Drugs, Edward, Drugs. I got them from him and in return I let him screw me. Is that what you needed to know?" She practically snarled at me. And yes, it was what I needed to know. I needed her to tell me everything.

"Yes." I snapped back. "I needed to know. I need you to tell me everything, to let me all the way in and trust me. Not for you to think I'm wanting out. I'm not going anywhere. I thought I had made that clear already. But you need to trust me. I'm not going to just turn away 'cos I don't like your past'." I stopped, gasping for air.

My voice lowered, my nerves calmed, my hand reached for her face, stroking her cheek. "Be mine and only mine and I'll never go. I'll never leave. I can't be without you. Don't hurt yourself, 'cos you only hurt me more. Stay with me too."

I pleaded with her. She thought I would leave her because of her past, but I would never have been able too. Nothing would make me go, but she kept threatening me with leaving. This desire to hurt herself and to overdose. If I promised to never leave her, would she promise never to leave me, too?

She shrugged away from me, mumbling on her words. "That's different, Edward. It wasn't because I never wanted you, or that I wanted to leave you...its just all different..." Her words trailed off into the air.

"But promise me you'll try and I'll promise that I'll stay with you." A small smile formed on her lips as she reached up to kiss me.

"I promise. I have only ever been yours and I always will be." sincerity poured from her, her words, her eyes and her heart.

Puling her into me, I kissed the top of her head as a faint sniffle cam from her.

Pulling her away I inspected her features. Small tears welled up in her eyes, she still held that soft smile.

I hated myself of knowing what I was going to say next, "You still need to tell me what happened?"

"Nothing. That was it. He had what I wanted and he wanted to get me into bed." She wiped at her eyes, catching the tears before they fell. "I know how it sounds. Like I'm some whore. Maybe I am." Her words peaked on her last few words. "But I just wanted an escape. I took that stuff and it made me forget...for a while."

"And after?" I Pushed.

"I only felt more alone. It never did any good except at the time. But it doesn't last forever, and I didn't want to do it. Not really. I only took it when it got really bad, when I never had the guts to do what I did the day after the wedding." She shook her head as she pipped at her face with the backs of her hands, still a small faint trail of tears fell from her eyes. "I'm sorry, but I can't take it back."

"How many times?" I pressed again.

She looked up at me and I could see the lie before it left her mouth. "Just...just a couple of times." She shrugged her shoulders as she looked down to the mattress between us.

"A couple? Twice?" I double checked.

She nodded, her eyes never meeting mine. "Just twice." she confirmed.

Anger fuelled me, my control waning. I shot up from my seat on the bed, next to Bella and I tried to calm myself, anxiously tugging on my hair.

"Will. You. Just. Stop. Lying." I spat at her. "I'm struggling with what is true and what isn't. Jake told me it was about half a dozen times. Will I go and ask him?"

She jumped from her seat and grabbed at my forearms. "No." She gasped in panic.

"Tell me the truth now, Bella. If you don't I swear I will leave." I didn't know if I had the strength to do it, but I had to at least try and put some fear into her. She needed to see there was repercussions to her lying.

"It happened about fifteen times." She hurried out in panic.

"Fifteen?" I asked, totally taken back and gob smacked. "You went with him fifteen times?"

I could see the rise fall of her chest, the speed at what her heart went at. She was scared.

"You said you wouldn't leave me." She reminded me furiously as if it had been my intention too. It wasn't. But what I heard wasn't what I was prepared to hear.

"I'm not going anywhere, Bella. But neither is this. We talk about it. We all talk about it. It's not James that gets to me, its what you got from him."

"I never wanted him." She tugged on my hand, pleading with me. Though I didn't know what she was pleading for. She had nothing to beg of me. I was sure.

"I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about the product. What you took, what he deals in."

She Bowed her head, "It's nothing. I haven't done any of it since I met you. I took some pot and some mushrooms a couple of times." She sighed, looking back up to me, "I don't need it. Not when I have you."

"So I'm just some replacement drug?" I snapped. I didn't know why I was being such an ass to her, I guess I was still reeling from what she told me about her and James a little.

But if she thought that I was there just to be used instead of some hash, she had another thing coming.

"No." She shouted at me instantly. "You are not a replacement, but I haven't really needed to escape like that for a while. You kept the nightmares away."

"But you still tried to kill your self." I reminded her calmly.

"No, I...I never. I never had that as my plan. God, Edward you come here at me with all this and you want answers, but you wont even listen to me." She glared up at me, "I love you. Just listen."

I sat back down on the bed, and kissed her lips softly and waited for her to begin.

"I took that stuff to forget. When you came to Forks, you never made me forget, but you didn't let it follow me like it had. You kept the bad away." A small smile tugged on her lips ans her eyes glazed over.

"I never told you about that because I really didn't think it was something that you needed to know and I though that if you did, you'd hate me."

"I don't hate you." I jumped in quickly. I didn't care what she had did in her life before me, all that mattered was what happened between us. But the point was, she still needed to talk about it. Her dependency – how ever small – was very much relevant to her treatment and nothing was going to hider that if I had my way.

She placed her finger against my lips and gave a small laugh and smile, clearly at the fact I hadn't listened to her when she had told me to pretty much keep my mouth closed.

I closed my eyes and smiled myself as I nodded, understanding what she was meaning and letting her continue without another sound.

"I wasn't some addict. I only needed it as an escape...just like with the alcohol..." She shrugged as her words trailed off into the air.

She wasn't an alcoholic, either. It was clear that when she came here for treatment she didn't really need it. She just thought she did. Her body never turned cold turkey at the loss of it. Instead, she began to look better, healthy. Especially with the sleep she had got too. There was no doubt about it, as beautiful as she always was, she appeared to be shining now.

"I'm sorry I kept it from you. I know I should have been more honest but I just didn't want you to be asking about James." Her brown eyes looked deep into mine. "You can understand why I kept it quiet, right?"

I could. Of course I could. I had kept quiet about my own accident as a kid so it would be a bit hypocritical to make her squirm any longer at the fact she had kept it a secret.

I only nodded in response, a little worried she would tell me off again.

Though I kinda liked it.

She could be bold, but it was only when she was trying to play games with you. But something new was beginning to take over. She was still Bella. Self-conscious, a little shy. But now she was beginning to take hold of her life and her situation.

Whenever I had challenged her on things, she would fight back, be aggressive, all before running away and never resolving any issues. But now she was standing on her two feet and she was steady. She was sure, she was calm and she was collected.

She smiled up at me again, at my silence. "Do we need to keep talking about this right now?" her voice soft and a little tired.

"Not today. But I want you to talk about it to Aro when I'm back home." He at least needed to know about this, though I was pretty sure Charlie would be mentioning it and wanting some details for himself.

"I will." She promised with a nod. "But right now I just want to lie down beside you and pretend that I'm normal for a little while."

I scoffed at her words. "Bella, you are normal. You just had a bad turn. You are no more different than anyone else who would be in your situation. Its how your brain functions."

She waved off my words as she tugged on my arm as she lay down on her bed, pulling me down with her.

Laying down by her side, I pulled her into me and wrapped my arm around her waist, tightly, securing her into me. It was so good to have her by my side again.

I had to admit the lack of sleep I had, during the week at her missing form from my side.

Her warmth would only ever draw me in closer, it was as if we were magnets. She moved, I moved.

Without her there, I had tossed and turned, gripping onto my pillow as some sort of replacement, but it was never actually going to replace her. Not in the slightest.

I weaved my fingers through her hair, just enjoying the simplicity of it all. The smell of strawberry radiating from her long dark brown hair.

Kissing the top of her head, I pulled back so to watch her face. Her features were relaxed with her eyes closed and her mouth open ever so slightly.

"You're not planning on falling asleep on me here, are you?" I teased as I let my thumb pull gently on the centre of her cushioned bottom lip.

She sighed contently, not opening her eyes. "Wouldn't dream of it." She teased back, her voice, small, wispy and relaxed.

I rolled my eyes at her but she couldn't see. If she were to fall asleep on me, I couldn't argue. I had been the one thing I had longed for all week.

"So, Jake..?" She put out there, waiting for some kind of response.

"What about him?" I knew where she was going with this questioning, I was just winding her up a little. I didn't want to think of the guy at all, tot when I had her in my arms, finally.

"How is he here?" She asked me, finally opening her eyes and looking up at me.

"You need your friends." Despite there fall out, she needed him. Both of them cared an awful lot about the other. It wasn't right to let this argument carry on the way it had. I could understand him being angry, but I knew that he wanted her in his life, just like I did. Just like I needed.

Life was always kinda easy for me. I just sailed by with out hassle or issue but at the back of my mind something was always missing. And Bella had been the one to fill that void. Who knew it was a gaping hole in my heart, though?

"He doesn't like you." She told me a little sheepishly.

"I know." Despite our conversation in the car and mutual understanding, there was by no way we had became sudden friends. "It's not that he doesn't like me. He doesn't like me being with you." I knew it was the truth. Also the fact I was a working guy in his mid twenties didn't really help much either. I think there was some intimidation.

"But you did that for me?" She asked awe struck. I would have done anything for her. "You went and spoke to him and drove him down with you. You didn't need to do that. You didn't need to do all the things you have done, but you did. Why?"

She looked up at me from her position, her eyes filled with confusion.

Seriously? Did she not get any of this?

"I love you." I told her strongly, so I hoped she would actually believe it. "I want to be with you. I know this is way too fast. And I know I probably really shouldn't push you on it, but I don't want you to ever go away. In any means. I want you to get better, I want a life with you and I want to show you off to the world as mine."

Her eyes welled up and she stayed silent, she looked shocked, but not put off.

"I need you to stay with me. Not just alive, not just breathing. I need you to be by my side when you sleep. Christ, even when I watch television I want you to be next to me. I want you to cook me more of that amazing food – as much as I hate to ask you to cook for me – and I want to be the one that you come home to at the end of the day, whether it be a good one or a bad one. The good ones we'll enjoy and the bad ones, I'll try to help you through."

I held her hand up to my mouth and kissed the palm of it. Warm.

"What do you want from me Edward?" Her voice was shaky, trembling slightly and she still looked a little confused.

I sighed at her blindness. "I want you. Forever. By my side. And I want you whole, not because I want it, but because you deserve to be happy."

I kissed her forehead gently and looked back down at her in the eye. "Do you want forever?" I asked, suddenly totally out of my depth and worry coursing me at the prospect of her answer being 'no'.

I was putting way to much on her here. I should have held back. Let her settle into the idea of me wanting her. Instead I was asking her to promise her life to me.

I wanted to marry her.

I struggled to think when it happened. When I found myself being so deeply consumed by her.

She fascinated me.

From the moment I averted my gaze as she stripped off her clothes in my lounge only five weeks ago, I knew I was pulled to her.

Her eyes had me at the side of the road as she sent me running off, but her unusual behaviour had me asking questions. Making me think about her circumstances.

Tension had built between us quickly and my fight with Jacob only proved to myself the thoughts that I had been trying to keep below the surface.

But they had floated up, and I gasped for air at the prospects of having her with me, like I had.

Her warmth as she seemed to follow me in bed as she slept, the feeling of her small hand on the low of my back with my larger one reaching out to touch her in some way, even if it was only the tips of my fingers. We had to have contact. And that's what I had realized this week. I couldn't sleep without her, because I couldn't be without her.

She never did answer my question. Instead she kissed my lips chastely, only leaving me more confused.

My time passed with Bella quickly and before I knew it was time to leave for the evening. So I went to see Alice.

She jumped up at me, hugging me tightly, like she always did. She kissed my cheek before I made sure she made it back to her feet without falling.

Taking hold of my arm, she gripped her two around it as she directed me in the direction of some restaurant.

Jacob and Charlie were entertaining themselves elsewhere and as much as I knew we should have talked, I wanted to see my sister. Someone who was on my side. Wholly.

"I can't believe you brought Jake with you." She seemed amazed, even more than Bella had been. "Really, when did you grow up and become such an adult?" She teased me with a tug of the arm, pulling me in through the door of an Italian restaurant.

"I guess I knew it was what she needed. She needs you and she needs Jake. As much as I hate to have to admit it, the guy has tried." I had to admit it. There was nothing else for me to do. She had made it thought her life with his help.

"He must hate you." She mused with a laugh.

"I'm pretty sure he does." I hoped he didn't hate me, but at the same time I wasn't arguing with her.

"Yep." She popped her P. "He hates pretty much any guy who talks to her, with the exception of Charlie of course." She smiled up at me. Just exactly how well did Alice know Jake?

"So you know Jake well?" Suddenly realizing that she most likely had been part of his life too.

"Yeah. Not too badly. He's a decent guy. He's always had those sad puppy eyes for Bella. She knows he wants more but she just doesn't see him like that."

"She still slept with him." I pointed out. Out of everyone she had been with, nothing stung quite so much as Jacob. He had a face. He was in her life, he wanted her. Of course I was going to feel that pang of jealousy towards him.

"She did a lot of things she's not to proud off. I thought you were letting it go. You can't bring it up like this. You need to get over it, too. You better not ever slap her in the face with that one at any point. I know what you can be like when you're losing an argument." Her eyes were intense as she looked up. She was serious. Deadly serious and I knew if I crossed her she'd have my balls on a plate.

"I wont. I'm not going to mention it to her. It just gets at me...he seems so smug about it. He loves to gloat about it at any chance he can get."

"He's playing mind games with you, Edward." her voice grew. "Don't let him beat you. He thinks he's better for her. You need to show and prove to him that you're not going anywhere."

I laughed a little, the fact that Bella seemed to have the same thought about me. That I would just get bored and go.

"How badly do you want her, Edward. Really? Do you want a relationship or do you want to just help her and enjoy the benefits?" My eyes narrowed on her as she hid from the other side of her menu.

"Are you kidding me?" I snapped loudly. I quickly took in my surrounding and lowed my voice back down to normal. "I'm not using her-"

"I...I-" She tried to interrupt but I never gave her a chance.

"I'm not going anywhere. I want her. I want her to be mine." Looking down into my sister eyes I knew I could be as crazily honest as I wanted. In fact she would think my thoughts were normal. "I...I want everything with her. I want to make her mine." my voice lowered at my uncertainty to admit the truth so early on, so prematurely.

She smiled at me "You want to marry her?" She asked me to confirm my words.

"At some point...I know, it's crazy. I'm rushing. I need to see how she recovers and that we need normality...but I just don't want to ever be without her ever again, Alice." Leaning my elbow on the table I tugged on my hair and began to see those haunting memories.

"The way she hurts herself. The way it makes me feel...Alice, my life would be over if anything ever happened to her. I know it, I feel it. I see nothing beyond her. No real life."

Her tiny hand reached out for my other one. Dropping my menu, I clasped her hand, taking her support.

"I know I haven't done much with my life. I partied through school and never had a difficult day in my life with the exception of when we were adopted. Life just went by and I never asked questions. Nothing interested me and I became a doctor because dad had always encouraged me from the moment they got us." I shrugged. "Don't get me wrong. I know I'm lucky. I know it's great that I'm a doctor, that I even had the capability...just life was...meaningless and I didn't even notice. Bella came crashing into my life and I just can't imagine it going back to how it was."

I dropped her hand and clasped my own two, resting my chin on them. "The way she just goes around in my clothes...the way she jumps over my middle, trying to waken me up...those little kisses." I groaned internally. "I can't live without any of that and I need her back and I need her whole."

Her violet eyes looked back up at me, sympathetically. "I know you do, and you will. She just needs to see the world again. She locked herself off to it all and then you came out from nowhere. Just because you're trying to help her, doesn't mean she's going to be fixed instantly. You know its going to be a long road and a lot of hard work and understanding. Give her time and I know that she'll be yours.

"She loves you, she really does, but this is her life and it's how its been for a while now. Give her time and stick by her side. Even when she lets you down."

I knew what she was meaning. Bella was bound to have set backs and the only way that I would get what I wanted, was if I sat by her though all the lows too. It was only right and fair to ask of and it was something I would have done anyway. I was always going to be by her side. It wasn't only the good times I was preparing for.

"I know. And I will." I promised her. "I just want her to get out of this...whatever it is. That feeing of being in the dark. It's just so hard to sit and watch." It was excruciating. I didn't know if I would ever grow accustomed to the pain Bella felt. I doubted it.

"I know it is. But you are helping. Don't forget about that. You have already done a lot for her in such a short space of time."

"Have I really though?" It didn't feel like it.

"Yes." She snapped. "I can see it myself. The fact she is even speaking about it is amazing. She never told me anything. She trusts you."

I fingered the tip of my fork, sliding it across the white linen as I thought. I knew she trusted me. I knew she loved me. But was it going to be enough. When she was finished with pulling her life apart and rebuilding it, was there going to be space for me in it?

Was I really what she needed or wanted?

I couldn't help the self doubt. She held my world in her hands and I really didn't think she had any true indication of hope I held in her.

a/n: I'm back...and I hope to begin to get these out a little quicker again. Thank you for being so patient!

Please review

Oh also - I have chapter 1 started of my new story - anyone wanna be a beta? let me know i want your thoughts on it too please.