As you may or may not have gathered from last time, the Wolf only chapters will be shorter. If only so I can have 'cool' endings. Yeah.
Oh, and an exam death-grip may be imminent. As much as I'd like to keep my self-made reputation as a do-nothing slacker who's charming, hilarious and better at everything than everyone***, this story will probably still be affected by the lack of time.
***all may be exaggeration
Rebuilding
Chapter 44: Flukes of Hazzard
Dear Hand, from none other than the Ancient Minister,
Clearly, you are abusing the sacrifices I made for your army. My home is now nothing more than a base of operations, my friends are nothing more than drones destroying themselves across the world, and I seem to be nothing more than sentient hardware for you to use in your plots.
There is no way I will bring you Master Hand. I will kill Wolf only because he is an annoyance. I have Lucario secure, I stole him from the Fountain of Dreams. Toon Link is no longer of use. He was dealt with. But I will not bring you Master Hand. I cannot risk you corrupting him into abusing the Aura once more.
I am sorry Overlord, but you have seen the end of my so-called 'unwavering loyalty'.
New Pork City had been through a lot in recent months. It had exploded into the realms of Subspace and returned, played host to some spectacular battles, and most recently, the ex-monarch had played a part in one Super Smash Brother's downfall.
Speaking of Super Smash Brothers...
A cargo device barrelled around a street corner, steered using a nondescript stick and armed only with a mechanical arm. Ace pilot Falco Lombardi took control of the stick, and expertly swerved the cargo through a myriad of confusing streets and bright lights.
Luigi was cowering behind the mechanical arm, praying that the entire incident would be over soon. Occasionally he flinched at a nearly-missed wall, and even more occasionally he would make a grab at his overall pocket to protect some photograph.
Mr. Game and Watch however, was energetically standing on top of the cargo and flipping everything and everyone off.
A second cargo device charged after them, loaded to the brim with irate Primids – Master Hand's Alloys seemed to have cleared out. The Primid driver wasn't quite as adept as Falco was, but the entire crew of the enemy cargo only needed rage.
The Primid arm operator sent the mechanical arm grabbing in all directions, trying to throw off the Smashers' cargo. Falco was too quick however, and weaved his cargo in between stray arm thrusts.
"Here they come!" cried Luigi fearfully, knees buckled together.
"Fight back, Luigi!" shouted Mr. Game and Watch, ducking arm thrusts (most of which seemed to be aimed at him). "What are you waiting for?"
"I don't know how to use this arm thingy!" panicked Luigi, feverishly jiggling the arm controls.
The arm haphazardly wiggled a little bit. Mr. Game and Watch flipped off both the Primids and Luigi.
"Falco, stop being so stupid and Brooklyn-y and drive!" complained Mr. Game and Watch.
"Oh, I got so confused!" snapped Falco sarcastically. "I was so convinced that I was already driving! Thank you!"
"Shut up, you're ruining the ride!" argued Mr. Game and Watch.
"Whose idea was it to hijack one of these anyway?" demanded Falco, making a sharp turn. Mr. Game and Watch cheered, and Luigi made a strange sobbing sound.
Wolf, Ganondorf and Jigglypuff stood on a rooftop, overlooking the chase. Ganondorf apprehensively looked down at the Primids, while Jigglypuff appeared to be munching on some popcorn.
Wolf angrily muttered some profanities under his breath.
"I knew this wouldn't go well," said Wolf bitterly, sitting down on the rooftop in frustration.
"None of us thought it would go well," pointed out Ganondorf. "You're the new guy; this is your first lesson: We suck."
"My bestest buddy Kirby at the Mansion is the best at sucking!" smiled Jigglypuff. "And look, this newspaper says one of the new missing Smash Brothers is even better at sucking! It's some angel guy!"
Wolf and Ganondorf both looked at Jigglypuff, confused.
"Hey Walter?" asked Jigglypuff. "What does fel...fella...fellat-uh, that word mean?"
Wolf blinked, and decided to return to the matter at hand.
"They told us they'd be down there, and they'd have a few flying cargo machines for us in no time," sighed Wolf. "I guess they're just more idiots."
"More idiots?" asked Ganondorf. "Well what the hell does that mean, huh?"
"Oh, please," scoffed Wolf. "I learned you were an idiot the last time we were here."
"That's mean!" Jigglypuff sulked.
"And don't even get me started on you," snapped Wolf. He turned back to look at the chase, seething at everybody else's inherent stupidity.
The twin cargos ploughed through inferior Primid squads and dead Alloy bodies, reaching an imposing looking castle. Oshoe Castle.
The chase continued dangerously close to the castle walls, so close that the archaic, borderline-medieval stone design was scratched by biomechanical arms built by a futuristic army.
Eventually, the Smashers' cargo was battered into the side of the wall by the Primids. Before any of the three Smashers could fight back, the Primids were thundering into their cargo over and over again, sending sparks flying.
Luigi held the cargo arm so tightly he was beginning to imprint it onto his skin. Falco calmly played around with the steering stick – and Mr. Game and Watch was hollering all kinds of taunts at the Primids.
"Falco!" called Mr. Game and Watch, almost gleefully. "Fight these guys back, come on!"
"Oh, those guys?" asked Falco, bored. "Eh, okay."
Without warning, Falco grabbed the steering stick and shoved it towards the Primids' cargo. The latter vehicle spun out; its inertia carted it off into the city. Eventually the Primids scattered and the cargo was destroyed.
"Oh, did I do that?" asked Falco, mildly amazed. "Fantastic."
"Are they dead?" asked Mr. Game and Watch.
"Yeah, why not?" shrugged Falco.
Falco looked around briefly and leaned back on the cargo in relaxation.
"I don't believe it!" cried Mr. Game and Watch, dismayed. "The chase was just getting good! Like something you see on that there Dukes show!"
"Yeah, well, I guess I just saved us," Falco smirked. "Because I'm awesome, obviously...yeah, it's hard to explain just how awesome I-"
Falco paused. Another cargo had appeared from inside the castle. All three Smashers looked around at the cargo. A pair of bulkier looking Primids were commandeering the second cargo – and they shot twin hostile glares.
"-am."
One of the large Primids dived for his arm controller, and shot the cargo arm directly at Falco's steering stick. Falco hunched protectively over his stick, barely dodging the arm.
"What the hell, dude?" demanded Falco. "This is seriously unfair!"
Wolf, Ganondorf and Jigglypuff all watched the two cargos speed after one another into the castle, stunned and stupefied. Popcorn was idly spilling out of Jigglypuff's mouth as she watched the chase, mouth agape.
"I bet I could drive one of those arm thingies!" smiled Jigglypuff airily, trying not to look at the chase.
"No, n-no, no, you couldn't, no way," stammered Ganondorf, trying not to look at the chase and imagine Jigglypuff driving at the same time.
"Stay here, I'm going to go down there and sort this out for them," sighed Wolf, trying not to look at the chase, listen to the idiots, and accept that he'd have to keep them all alive at the same time. "For this mission, this is what, the millionth time?"
Jigglypuff looked uncertainly up at Ganondorf, who shrugged and looked down back at her. She raised her hand.
"Walter, I think you're a good leader!" piped up Jigglypuff. "You're great at saving us when we're dummies!"
"Save it," sighed Wolf hollowly. "I don't need support from you people."
Wolf jumped off of the rooftop and began ambling over to the cargo chase, sighing heavily.
"Hey, Wolf!" cried Ganondorf, watching his retreating figure. "Just let them die! All it means is that we don't have to cram six people into one Wolfen again! I think that's a pretty good idea!"
"And if Ganondorf and I die you won't have to do this mission anymore!" cheered Jigglypuff. "You should kill all of us!"
"Thinking about it!" called Wolf, without looking back. He trundled towards Oshoe Castle and out of sight.
Ganondorf craned his neck, scanning the streets for Wolf. He saw no sign, and sighed in relief. He cracked a grin, but then something dawned on him and his face fell. If the Super Smash Brothers have done anything to me over the years, thought Ganondorf, they sure as hell softened me up...
"Okay, Wolf's out of the way," said Ganondorf, distracting himself. "Um...Jigs, are you going to be fine here alone? I'm just going to go away for a second."
Jigglypuff blinked unfocusedly. "Why?"
"Remember last time we were here with Wolf?" asked Ganondorf steadily. "When we found that surveillance tape in the Hall of Memories?"
"Yeah," nodded Jigglypuff slowly.
"And it had that...capsule thing...attacking a Super Smash Brother?" continued Ganondorf.
"Yeah," nodded Jigglypuff again, clapping a hand to her mouth uncertainly.
"And Wolf wouldn't let us find him because he thought this Aura thing was more important?" asked Ganondorf.
"Yeah," nodded Jigglypuff again, struggling to keep up.
"Well, look at this newspaper you've been reading," said Ganondorf evenly, picking up the paper.
On closer inspection, it was a crudely distributed copy of a new newspaper: The Subspace Emissary. A photo of the confirmed missing Smashers was plastered over the front cover, covered in blood-red (and blood-smelling) Wanted labels. Over twenty faces were cobbled together in a collage of collateral. A small tabloid in the corner concerned some sort of operation led by Wolf O'Donnell, ending in the phrase "MUST BE STOPPED".
Jigglypuff looked over both old and new faces, tears silently forming as she ran her hand over photos of Pikachu, Kirby, and even some of the newcomers she thought looked friendly.
"Notice who's missing?" asked Ganondorf. "Er, apart from the people on this mission?"
Jigglypuff thought for a while. It looked like hard work.
"Captain Falcon!" cried Ganondorf impatiently. "It's Captain Falcon! Porky's capsule attacked him! He was the voice in that recording!"
Jigglypuff made a fake noise of understanding.
"And for some reason, Wolf doesn't want me to find Captain Falcon," shrugged Ganondorf. "But we need all the help we can get to beat the Subspace Army, and we need to know he's okay! I'm going to look for him."
"D-don't leave me here with this evil newspaper!" sobbed Jigglypuff at once, throwing away the paper. Some of the blood on the Wanted labels rubbed off onto her hands, and she wailed harder.
"You'll be fine," scoffed Ganondorf, averting his eyes.
Ganondorf ran off towards the Hall of Memories, leaving Jigglypuff alone and scared.
She blinked and looked over at the newspaper, reading its articles. Each Smasher had their own page; with quick jabs of despair she flipped through Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Yoshi – and there was Kirby.
Pictures of Kirby lined every inch of his page: an injured Kirby being carried up Rumble Falls, a dazed Kirby lying on some clouds alone, a dazed Kirby being harassed by Petey Pirahna, and his name being listed among those crushed by the Frigate Orpheon and shot down by the Overlord of the Subspace Army.
Jigglypuff tried to sob but made no noise; with some sustained effort she slowly closed the newspaper.
Without warning, she tore it to shreds, angry tears burning her.
The bulky Primid cargo tore off behind the Smashers' cargo, darting its arm threateningly at an incredible speed as they ascended onto the castle's wide rooftop.
The arm shot back and forth, coming closer and closer to the stolen cargo, until it struck the back with such force that even Falco was shaken away from the stick for a brief second.
Mr. Game and Watch ducked, cursing heavily and shaking his fist. However, for a change, Luigi remained unperturbed.
"Look! They fixed our arm!" cried Luigi, marvelling at the Smasher cargo's own arm, which was now waving around more energetically.
Falco nearly came to a complete halt in frustration. His concentration broken, he glared up at Luigi.
"Oh, I've got a great idea!" snapped Falco. "Use the arm to fight back already!"
"No time!" called Mr. Game and Watch, alarmed at the enemy. "Falco, just get us away from them! Run for it!"
Falco turned back to the stick, and noticed a gap between two battlements.
"Ooh, sweet!" gasped Falco. "Let me have a go at this, I can clear the entire courtyard in one jump!"
Falco rammed the stick forward, aiming for the small opening. Luigi nervously swung the arm around, and Mr. Game and Watch gasped in fear.
"What's wrong with you?" demanded Mr. Game and Watch. "You're going to get us killed!"
Falco paid no attention, and forced the control stick upward...
The cargo smashed against the battlements, the gap too narrow to fly through. The three Smashers jerked forward slightly as their vehicle came to a stop at last.
"Dammit!" yelled Falco. "Ugh, that sucks!"
The other cargo was now closing in, right behind the Smashers. To their amazement, however, the Primid pilot had ascended the cargo to try the jump. The enemies sailed over Luigi, Falco and Mr. Game and Watch's heads.
Luigi meekly pressed a button on the arm controls. An arm shot forth and caught the flying enemy cargo, severing it in two. The remains tumbled to the city below, as the Primids splattered lifelessly against the ground.
Falco stared at Luigi. Mr. Game and Watch's jaw dropped, and he found no words, only surprise.
"Uh, n-nice timing," stammered Falco, bewildered.
"I got them!" cheered Luigi, almost looking confident. "Me! I saved the day!"
Wolf was now storming through the castle, and he angrily reached the three Smashers.
"Did you see that?" begged Luigi. "I did it!"
"You idiot!" roared Wolf. "We needed another cargo for Jigglypuff and Ganondorf!"
Luigi looked crestfallen.
"Wolf, can it," replied Falco. "Luigi may have just saved our lives. Isn't that more important?"
"Fine, take that cargo, but I'm not cramming three people into one Wolfen again!" shouted Wolf. He took note of Luigi's saddened expression, and softened up a little. "Luigi, don't worry, at least you took care of all the enemies for-"
A crashing noise shattered the mood. A purple spear-shaped foot landed on the castle floor, followed by seven others. A large capsule shape containing a fat little man was last to touch down, scattering a flurry of dust everywhere.
Luigi nearly fainted. Mr. Game and Watch's jaw dropped again. Falco rolled his eyes. And Wolf rushed into a combative stance, reaching for his Blaster.
If Porky could move inside his capsule, he would have glared down menacingly at them all.
"-us," finished Wolf bitterly. "I guess Porky's still here."
"You really shouldn't have said anything," remarked Falco. "That's Murphy's Law, dude."
It had taken quite a lot of time, but the Alloys had been driven out of New Pork City by the Subspace Army. Two Primids lazily stood guard over the Hall of Memories. They idly stood next to the entrance to Porky's room, having released him. Neither guard seemed to care about the spider-robot-shaped hole in the wall. Neither guard seemed to care about the King of Evil sneaking up through the hallways.
So the guards, taking no notice of Porky wreaking havoc outside, continued to stare directly ahead at nothing. On an occasion of rare fancy, one of them would blink. If they were feeling extravagant, they would even go as far as to swap places.
Something they never did was start screaming in pain, and that's exactly what happened after a punch caught one of them in the back. The assaulted Primid guard tumbled over, dead. Ganondorf stood where he had been, nervously eyeing the second guard. He was not moving, and did not even seem to acknowledge the scream.
"Looks like Porky's going to kill those Super Smash Brothers," said Ganondorf conversationally.
"They deserve it," spat the Primid, breaking his silence. "They destroyed our cargo, plus that group of twenty that's in all the newspapers are becoming more and more of a threat."
"But, um, didn't we kill some of their friends?" asked Ganondorf. "Mewtwo, Pichu and Roy, right? And Toon Link's still on our side right? Erm, Lucario?"
"Yeah, we're putting up a good fight," the Primid chuckled, still staring straight ahead.
"We should watch out though," agreed Ganondorf earnestly. "That, uh, Overlord guy, he might-"
The Primid interrupted him. "You know, your voice sounds different."
"M-my voice?" asked Ganondorf, faltering.
"Yeah, your voice," answered the Primid. "Are you feeling okay?"
"Maybe, I think I'm just hitting...puberty..." hesitated Ganondorf. "You know...Primid...puberty..."
"Primid puberty?" repeated the Primid guard. Amazingly focused, he still refused to look away from his post to see Ganondorf. "We were born eons ago in the depths of Subspace. How can you just be hitting puberty now?"
"I...uh..." stammered Ganondorf, at a loss.
"Late bloomer, huh?" asked the Primid sympathetically. "I've gotta tell you, I'm not surprised."
Ganondorf paused, trying not to think about the now dead Primid he was impersonating.
"Yeah, late bloomer, sure," answered Ganondorf. "Listen, so, I'm going to check Porky's room. I'll make sure that, uh, Captain Falcon guy is still there...unless he escaped or something. Okay, so, see you later."
"But the Ancient Minister said we're to stay out here and release Porky only if the Super Smash Brothers are causing trouble," pointed out the Primid, confused. "And that Wolf guy's here, so Porky's out killing him."
Ganondorf sidled up right next to the doorway, and the first signs of breaking into a sweat glistened on his forehead.
"No, really, it's fine," assured Ganondorf, lying on his feet. "The Overlord of the Subspace Army said it was okay...you know, because he wants all those-" -Ganondorf nearly choked on his words- "-Super Smash Brother bastards dead."
"Death to the Super Smash Brothers!" agreed the Primid guard. "I'll stay out here, keep an eye out. It'd be embarrassing if a Super Smash Brother snuck in here right under my nose!"
The guard glanced to one side, thankfully not the side with the dead Primid body and Ganondorf on it.
"Looks clear," granted the Primid, resuming his forward glare.
"Oh, okay, cool, thanks," smiled Ganondorf awkwardly. He slowly slinked around the edge of the doorway and out of sight. Safely into the Hall of Memories. Safely into Porky's keep.
But in the hallway, the Primid guard felt something suspiciously wet. The damp, unusual feeling of blood. The guard spun round. He put his fists up. He saw his dead comrade.
Questions flooded through the guard's mind. Ultimately, however, they all boiled down to one final thought: who the hell had he just talked to?
Ideas flooded through the Smashers' minds.
Escape. Run. Hide. Basically get the fuck out of here.
These were the only thoughts of Wolf, Mr. Game and Watch, Luigi and Falco (respectively), as the cargo barrelled out of the castle and tore back through the city, chased by a steel behemoth wild with unmoving rage.
Porky could not move, confined to the Absolutely Safe Capsule. But his spider-mech was fully capable of moving, and it was proving it among the smoldering wrecks of any surface it touched. Every step the mech took was a new pothole, and every building it ran through turned from deserted skyscraper to dust, waiting to be carted off by the winds.
"Run!" thought Mr. Game and Watch, prodding Falco. The latter shot him an angry glare, already jamming the stick as far forward as it would go.
As the cargo weaved in and out of obstacles in a chase once more, Wolf jumped off and looked up at the rooftop he had abandoned. Jigglypuff was staring shell-shocked at a pile of torn-up newspapers. Wolf shrugged, what did he care, and shouted up desperately.
"Jigglypuff!" shouted Wolf. "Hide inside! Porky's on the loose, you're not safe up there on the roof!"
"Oh-okay!" stammered Jigglypuff, her eyes not moving from the newspaper's remains.
Wolf paused, and glared up at the rooftop again. Coming to a realisation, he grunted in frustration.
"Where is Ganondorf?" asked Wolf, annoyed. "What's he doing?"
"He went to look at that Hall place we were last time!" called Jigglypuff automatically, still focused on ink and paper. "He told me to stay here!"
Jigglypuff's lip quivered, then with a shrill voice she added: "Wolf, are my friends going to be alright?"
Wolf hesitated to answer. As he watched the other three flee Porky, he toyed with two ideas: either tell this stupid kid the cold, hard truth: her friends are in danger and are unlikely to survive, or calmly reassure her that everything will be alright.
But Ganondorf was searching for the Smasher that Porky had attacked earlier. Did he really think he would find anyone? These Super Smash Brothers...were they all just so united that they'd do anything if it meant seeing each other safe?
Jigglypuff was blinking sadly. Oh god Wolf, say something, anything, it doesn't have to be smart, it doesn't have to be right, just say something to make her feel better hurry up go-
"Jigglypuff?" called Wolf, getting her full attention. "Part of being a hero is to know that you carry the lives of countless others on your back. Right now? We're carrying their lives on our backs."
Jigglypuff blinked uncertainly, unsure of what to say.
"However," Wolf glanced over at the Hall of Memories, slowly taking out his Blaster. Even he was wondering now where the rest of the Smashers were. "They've got ours."
And that's another chapter down. Leave a review, let me know what you think! For instance, since I have fewer characters to deal with at once, I've been exploring their thoughts a little bit, e.g. Jigglypuff and the newspaper now, and Wolf and his mission last chapter. Are these bits too unnecessary? (without them these chapters would only be like 50 words though, so...)
Sorry these are taking so long, if anyone's been annoyed. Hopefully once spring break shows up in a week or two I can speed things up. Until then, sorry.
Five more action-y chapters left, I'm really enjoying these as a break from humor, even if most of you seemed to have enjoyed the 'fun' story more!