If You Wish It, Wish It Now

BPOV

"...and then we could go shopping and we could go out to a gig or something. You'd come too, right, Edward?" Alice spoke at a rate of knots as she tried to arrange for me to have a weekend in Seattle when I was back home and when things would get back to normal somewhat.

I noticed the sullen look that Edward had worn since the moment I had saw him. He had smiled and kissed me as usual but there was something different about him. His small agreeing "hmm" to Alice was all I needed to know that his mind was most definitely else where. The question was, where was it?

"Me and Jasper could show you all the sights. We could go up the Space Needle and do some other sight seeing. You've never been to Seattle before..." Her words trailed off as you saw her face think of what else we could do.

With the exception of going out for coffee, I suppose I hadn't saw Seattle. Not really at least. We were just out of the main city and I hadn't saw the Space Needle or anything else for that matter.

I nodded agreeing but as she started of on another sightseeing tirade, my eyes landed on Edward again.

It made me nervous. He looked a little lost. As if he was looking for courage or strength.

Had I done this to him? Was he weak or exhausted with me? Did he want to leave me?

The promises were old. We had spoke about this so much yesterday, but that look on his face made me question him. Was he realizing now all that he promised? Was it too much for him to give to me?

He said he wouldn't leave me, but how could I hold him to that?

People change. Love goes and things end.

My eyes looked down at the bedding below me as I felt my fingers caress the Saint Christopher that hung from my neck. A gift from Edward.

"...Then I'll be up for Christmas as well. We can get something sorted for then too..." Alice's words mumbled in to the background and I looked up at her giving a nod and a smile, pretending I was aware of what she was saying.

Edward seemed to snap out of his own little bubble before quickly announcing that he was going for a coffee and swiftly leaving us too it without even looking my way.

"...we could have like a weekend away-" Alice's rambled still continued but I needed to know if she had any idea as to why Edward seemed so distant. I interrupted her.

"Why is he like that?"I asked quickly, throwing her off of her plans.

Her eyes narrowed and she looked confused. "Edward." I confirmed to her as I jutted my head in the direction he had left for.

She waved me off. "Nothing, don't worry about him." She told me as if his behaviour was no concern at all.

"How can I forget it? Have you saw his face?" I asked in shock at her flippant words.

"He's Edward...he gets a little tense..." A small smile played on her lips, but I was sure she was trying to cover something up.

"I know who he is, but I also know he doesn't shut off like that, from nothing. Has something happened? Is he okay?" I was so self obsessed, I had never thought about Edward having any difficulties of his own. He was struggling with a new job and here he was, babysitting me on his only days off.

"He's fine. More than fine. He's just needing some time to think things through." She shrugged as if it meant nothing at all.

"Alice." I demanded. If something was wrong with him, I needed to know.

She sighed as she wiped at her face. "Bella, he loves you but he's worried that he will lose you. He sees himself, how deep he's in with you and he...he just needs a little validation that you will be there for him too."

"For him?" I asked amazed. Was my pleading for him to never leave me, not enough? What did he want from me?

"Bella, you could have killed yourself last week. How do you think he would have coped with that, huh?" She asked sharply.

"I...I I" I didn't know. He would have coped. He would have got through life without the hassle of me slowing him down.

"Exactly." She huffed at me. "You don't know. We'll I'll ask you this, if the rolls were reversed, how would you have coped?"

I frowned thinking. A life without Edward would be devastating. I really didn't know how I would cope or if I even would.

At the thought of it I felt a pang in my heart, the same as I felt when I thought about my mum. If it was possible, I would have sworn it hurt even more for Edward.

Edward couldn't ever leave me. I would die. I thought I had died after my mum, but I hadn't. I was still alive, but I struggled to cope. With Edward gone there really would be nothing to live for. There would be no hope at all.

He was my hope.

He was my Saint.

He was what I had clung on to all that time ago as I flew out from Katrina's wrath, even if I didn't know him.

With him gone, there really would be nothing left for me.

I looked across at Alice in disbelief. Was this how Edward really felt?

Did he see me as the only hope for him too?

He was so much richer in life, not by money, but his attitude. His will to fight and take on challenges. He was so strong. He could survive without me. I was sure of it.

"You wouldn't cope, so why do you expect him to be so much stronger than you?" She asked.

Why had I? "He is stronger." I argued, my voice feeling frail at the prospects of never having him with me.

"He's strong, but that's because he has you and he knows that he needs you here. If he didn't fight for you, would you?" She gave me a moment to respond but I didn't.

"No you wouldn't." She told me simply. "He's holding on to you so tight, Bella. He loves you and he needs to know that you wont leave him too."

"You expect him not to feel hurt? You slept with him and then you did that to yourself." She slipped a space closer to me and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "You need to show him you're here for the long haul too, Bella. He feels like he's not enough for you."

"He is." I argued. "He's more than I deserve."

"That's your problem. You think you don't deserve him. You do. You deserve one another, you both deserve to be happy and to let this feeling of one deserting the other, to vanish. He's not leaving you, but let him know you're not leaving him either. He's waiting for it to get too much again and for him to be too late this time or that you will change your mind about him."

"I love him." I shouted to her. I did love him, I was in love with him.

"He wants forever, Bella and he wants it with you. Do you want him like that?" She eyed me cautiously.

I had never really thought about it, not really. I wanted him to stay with me, but I never really thought too far into the future. Really, I struggled to see my own future, never mind sharing it with Edward. I suppose I never thought about it in too much detail so I could save myself the pain if he was to ever leave me.

But thinking about it now. There was no doubt. I did want him for forever.

"I do." I nodded sure of myself, despite my voice only growing smaller.

"Well let him know. He wont admit it to himself, but he's still hurting from last week. I could see it in him last night." She looked up to the empty door way. Not another soul seemed to be around at present.

"Why did you let yourself be with him if you were going to try that?" Her voice was soft and the look of concern that washed over her face as she looked at me once again had the guilt swirl me.

"I don't know. I guess I just heard Rosalie's words. She's right though."

"No. She's. Not." Alice bit firmly as she gathered my hand in hers. "She was wrong. You know that, Bella. Stop blaming yourself for having a crappy run in life. It wasn't your fault and you need to stop beating yourself up about it."

"But she's right. I slept with people, I drank myself almost to my death-"

"I don't care what you did. It's what you do now that counts. You have a shot at a real life if you will just get yourself out of this damn mind set that you are so undeserving. Why do you think like that?" Her last sentence was demanding.

I sighed, frustrated. "I don't know, alright? I just see that Edward doesn't need this to add to his life. He deserves to be happy."

"But, Bella, he is happy. He's happy that he has you and he wants to make you happy too. What is so bad about that?"

"Because he could do better than me." I was so sick of hearing it. My own head rattled the words out and now I was screaming them at Alice.

"But it's you that he wants. Listen to me, he loves you, he would give his life for you. He wants to marry you."

My head snapped up at that one. "What?" I asked in serious disbelief.

She frowned. "I..I said too much. Just know he wants to be with you." She nervously looked away from me.

"Alice, what did you mean?" I could barley find the air to ask her. Was she serious or was this Alice being Alice once again.

She never answered me.

I grabbed at her hand, causing er eyes to snap up at me. "What did you mean, Alice?" I asked slow and deliberate.

She sighed again. "You know what I mean. You see it to. You're only kidding yourself on if you don't." She told me firmly as she snapped her hand back out of mine. "You know what your problem is? You don't want to face reality because it gets hard and sometimes you get hurt. I know it must have hurt like hell to lose your mum like you did, to go though any part of that. But Bella, that wont happen and if it does, that's really shitty and you will have to accept that loss. But you cant live on the outside all your days. All he wants is a promise that you will stay with him too."

"I did." I argued.

"Really? Or did you dance over his words and played blind to it?"

Do you want forever?

Oh god. His words rang in my ears. I never answered him. I kissed him, confirming my answer but there was no actual words. There was no 'yes' there was no promise of forever on my side. Was that what he meant? He wanted to marry me?

This was too much to handle. Too much to think about.

"He...he. Alice, what do I do?" I wanted him, I wanted to promise forever but I struggled. I felt panic build in me.

My breathing stuttered and I struggled to let my thoughts run clear.

My head was swamped.

My breathing became deep and laboured.

"Bella, are you okay?" I heard Alice's call but I couldn't focus.

The air was caught in the back of my throat and it wouldn't go. I gripped onto the bed covers as I felt myself fall forward into the mattress.

Still I couldn't breath.

Panic coursed through my veins.

"Bella." I heard his cry for me but it still never stopped what was happening. "Bella." his voice grew louder and I felt him tug on me, lifting me up to his warm arms.

Edward scent filled my lungs and despite his normal soothing quality, it wasn't helping.

"Bella, look at me. Just take slow breaths in and out." he pulled on my jaw, making my eyes meet with his. My vision was blurred with unshed tears.

He looked away, toward Alice as he questioned what had happened but his gaze was quickly back on me again as he made me copy his breathing.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

The familiar jade calmed me more than his smell and his technique. In his eyes something shone out.

Panic.

Worry.

Fear.

It was all the things I felt at prospect of loosing Edward. In his eyes I could see that vulnerability, that doubt.

Alice never meant to scare me like she had, and it wasn't the prospects of spending my life with Edward that had done it either, it was the simple fact that he loved me and that he was brave enough to ask me to be his. I just had never realized the depth of his words.

My breathing calmed and he held me in close to him. I couldn't see his eyes any more but it didn't matter. I had already saw what he had been trying to hide. He was just as scared as me.

Alice had left us too it and Charlie and Jacob were still, yet to show face so I took our quiet time and enjoyed it.

Sniffling, I wiped at my face trying to hide the tears that rolled down my cheeks.

Crying, again.

The warmth of Edwards lips rested against the top of my head and his gentle rhythmical strokes were lulling me back to sleep once again.

We hadn't spoken since I had my little panic attack and I was thankful he was letting me regain my composition before taking to me about it.

He lay out across my bed and I lay on top of him, my legs lying between his.

I felt cold from the wet miserable October day we were having and I found my self pulling into the crook of his arm even more.

It felt like nothing could get me from here.

"Are you going to tell me what you were taking about?" His voice was low and soft. He was clearly trying to keep me calm and careful not to cause round two.

"Alice...she told me some things. Some things I hadn't realized..."My words trailed off into the air and I sat up a little so I was able to look him in the eye.

"When you said you wanted forever, yesterday, what did you mean?" The crease on his forehead appeared and he shuffled up a little, resting on his elbow.

The expression on his face told me he knew exactly what I was talking about. "Alice..." He gasped in annoyance.

"Don't blame her. You should have told me yourself if you were questioning me."

"Questioning you?" He gasped. "I'm not...we'll...I don't mean too. You just never answered my question and I suppose...I suppose I just thought that you didn't want me as much as I want you."

"I do. I thought I was telling you. I kissed you. I want forever and I'm sorry if you're questioning that, but unless you tell me that, I cant easy your worry."

"You want forever?" He asked carefully.

"Yes. But I need to know what that means to you. Alice said marriage, is that what you're looking for?"

The crease on his forehead deepened "Not like that, Bella. Not right now. I just want something solid so I know I get to keep you. Something..."

"You have my soul, Edward." He owned me in every way possible.

"I...I just love you too much. I know I do. I know the looks your father gives me. I know the concern in my dads eye when he saw I was getting to heavily involved. But I don't care. What I care about is how you are. I don't want you freaking out like this because Alice mentioned marriage."

He lay back and sighed as he closed his eyes. "We were talking last night. I told her the truth because she wont look at me as if I'm mad, even if I am. I'm not giving you a ring and I'm not down on one knee...I just wanted to know that you wanted me too, that you would stay with me."

Opening his eyes once again, he looked deep into mine. "I promise you everything. I haven't refused you a single thing but I don't get the same back. Not really. I'm just worried that at the end of all this, I don't get you. I don't get to keep you."

Of course he would always have me. Nothing was going to change that. I sensed it too, that despite everything going against us and my young age, we were meant for life.

"You get me. I am yours." I promised him as I reached up for his cheek so that I could look him deep in the eye. "You think that I would have gotten this far without you? No, I wouldn't. I need you and I know that at the end of it, if there is an end, I still want you with me. You're the only one that has really fought to help me." It was true. No one else had tried, not really. "I tried so hard to keep it all in but you broke down those walls and you saved me, literally, and not just the once."

The green in his eyes sparkled with the emotion he held.

He always would have me.

"Move in with me." he stated so simply that it almost went whizzing past me.

"What?" I asked in total shock. He wanted me to move in? Permanently?

"When this is over," He motioned to my rehab room "move in with me. You. All of you. All of your things."

Was this what he really wanted?

Would I even be allowed? My dad still held my rights. Somehow I didn't think he would be allowing something so...definite.

"Do you really want this or are you just panicking?" I was ready to hear the truth, I braced myself for the rejection, that he had jumped too quick in his offering.

"I want this. I want you." he promised. "You sleep at mine anyway." he reminded me.

"This is different though..."

He looked rejected. Defeated. "You don't have too if you don't want too." His tone was low and I could hear that I was crushing him by not giving a simple yes and jumping into his open arms at the offer.

"I want too." the firmness of my tone told him that. "My dad..." he was the issue.

"We can talk to him. He knows what we are now." He shrugged. "And if not, we will just wait until you can." it all seemed so easy. And I suppose it was.

Too easy?

I shook the negativity from my mind and let myself have the moment. To relish and enjoy the hope of my future with Edward. "Okay. I'll move in. That's what I want."

I smiled at him before I quickly connected our lips, desperate to quench the need I held for him.

I pulled into him closer, falling between the small space in his parted legs. Gripping onto his hair I deepened our kiss and pulling us closer together.

He broke away contact swiftly and tried to pull himself out from under me a little, steadying himself on his elbows. "Stop." he gasped.

Did he not want this?

I thought with him asking me to move in meant he wanted me.

"Don't you want me?" I asked a little shocked but I never meant for the words to come pouring out of my mouth.

He shook his head furiously. "Of course I want you. I just can't. Not here." he rested his forehead against mine. "Trust me love, I'm desperate for you. I just know I need to wait. I can handle that...I think." He smirked a little and I laughed at his honesty.

I pressed myself against him, trying to tease him a little and it was then I felt his obvious arousal.

How the hell did I miss that?

He growled a little at my action before he pushed me further off him. "Love, not here." He chided me but the amused tone still etched his voice.

"Okay...I'll behave." I laughed at the fact that it seemed like I was trying to force myself onto him.

Alice had joined us again not long after and everything was fine.

We chatted away casually about my move after Edward had given her a brief telling off and telling her the conversation that had transpired as a result; me moving in with him.

"You need to decorate...I could help..." Alice smiled at me sheepishly and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Why don't we just wait and see what happens first. Then Bella and I will do what we want with the place." he shrugged as I still lay out across the bed with my head resting on his chest.

"This looks cosy." Charlie grunted at he came up to the door, surprising all of us. Jake was by his side too.

"Jake." Alice squealed as she jumped up out of her seat, throwing herself against him.

He was quick and caught her and embraced her in a tight hug.

"How you doin', Pixie?" He teased as he placed her back down onto her little feet.

"Not too bad." she nodded as she looked up at him. "Are you taller?" She asked as she sized him up. "I'm sure you are."

He laughed and nodded. "Six foot seven now." He stated proudly.

"Please don't get any taller. I feel small enough as it is." she laughed as she sized herself up against him. It looked as if there was almost two foot between them. He made her look impossibly tiny, as if she was some doll.

At my dad's arrival, Edward had swiftly moved out from his position on the bed. He still sat on it but his laid back demeanour was now gone.

I could sense he was a little uneasy about the prospect of going to Charlie and asking for his permission for me to move in, but it had to be done. He just didn't want to seem impolite and taking advantage of me stretched out on my bed. Even if it was what I wanted.

Edward was looking amused at the way Jake and Alice got along. They had never been the best of friends but they got along for my sake and both were always friendly to one another. It was Jake and I, together, that had taken Alice on her first cliff diving expatiation, so they were friendly and trusting toward one another.

"So what was that about decorating..?" my dad asked politely, clearly aware of out conversation somewhat.

"Just discussing how to fix up my apartment." Edward jumped in a little panicked. "'I've been there over a month and it still looks like I've just moved in." He admitted a little sheepishly as he nervously rubbed at the back of his head.

I could tell by his tone he was worried about taking this to Charlie but I knew we had to do it. But right now was not the time.

I didn't know when would be the right time.

Charlie was off the conversation almost instantly, anyway. Charlie hadn't decorated the house since had had moved in with my mum before I was born.

"So I had asked Aro if we could do something...you know? Go out?" Charlie shuffled on his feet. "I just hadn't expected You and Alice." he directed his words to Jake and Jake nodded in response.

"I can go out?" I asked a little disbelievingly.

Sometimes I forgot that I was here due to my dads and Edwards say so. I wasn't actually a prisoner. Though it felt like it.

"Sure can." He smiled at me as I felt myself practically bounce. It was as if Alice had taken over my body. "What do you want to do?"

He was asking me? It was my decision. It felt like I had been given back a tiny part of my life.

I tried to think low key. To get out of here and spend time with my friends was enough for me. I couldn't care about the grandeurs of the city right now.

Practically springing from my seat, I looped my arm through my dads knowing what I wanted. "Can we go to that little coffee place, again?"

It had been so great when the two of us had went, I was desperate to take Alice. She would love that.

"Coffee?" Charlie asked surprised. "Were in Seattle and you want to go to a coffee shop, a ten minute ride away?" He shook his head laughing.

"I can see the city any time when I'm outta here. Right now I just want to catch up." I shrugged.

Was I being stupid?

Should I have wanted to run around the concrete jungle, just because I could or was it okay to spend time with the people I loved?

I had spent so long out of touch with myself that I suddenly felt I just wanted to take the moment and enjoy it. I didn't need to jump off of some cliff. I didn't need to try to seduce some guy and I didn't feel the need to get waisted.

I laughed at myself and my random thought of not wanting the alcohol to consume me.

Edward had made me feel like I never needed it but now I was realizing I didn't need it at all.

I wanted to feel something. I wanted to be normal and just be me.

Edward looked at me suspiciously as I tried to calm my wild smile that I knew played my lips. He narrowed his eyes at me, sizing me up and I could see the smile form on his mouth also.

This was it.

Life was beginning again.

a/n: Okay so i forgot to post this...Sorry - on the up side - double post!