Rebuilding is back as the psychopathic slurry we knew before Wolf got all up in the story's grill with his action and his lack of idiocy and his badassery. These last few chapters will be the best of both worlds in the long run, I hope. Summer is also about to end and you are hereby required to miss me a bunch.
Unfortunately, I don't know if you'll see the mixing of wacky antics and action-y awesomeness straight away. After all, it's been several months and nine chapters since I wrote about the regular cast!
Rebuilding
Chapter 51: Regularly Scheduled Programming
A few weeks after the Super Smash Brothers' arrival, they were taking refuge in a small hut together. Of course, now that they had assembled a very large number of both newcomers and veterans, they were still rather cramped. Most of the goings-on in the outside world had been unheard of. Every time a scrap of news concerning the Subspace Army cropped up, there was a mad dash to see if any of their still-missing friends had been killed. The latest thing they knew was that a small group of Smash Brother rebels had been led into the Subspace base by Wolf O'Donnell. Nobody knew which Smashers Wolf had found by that point.
All of a sudden, there were static noises followed by tuning buzzes. From outside the hut, they could hear a large explosion, followed by piles of rubble crashing to the ground.
There were hushed whispers coming from Samus Aran's Chozo Suit. Exhilarated by the prospect of something actually happening, Samus spoke up.
"Hello?" asked Samus. "Who is this? Wait – you Subspace bastards still have that communications device stuck on me, don't you? Dammit! I forgot you could hear and track us!"
There was a pause. The other Smash Brothers near Samus drew nearer.
"Well?!" shouted Samus. "Aren't you going to say anything, Minister? We're in hiding; you can't kill us today, sorry."
The masking noise of a hand covering a receiver was heard.
"What should I say?" whispered a familiar, yet strange Brooklyn accent hurriedly.
"Who cares?" hissed a surly, vaguely Southern brogue.
"I-I was so sure that'd be Master Hand..." stammered a timid Italian voice feebly.
"Um, hello there," said Brooklyn, taking his hand off of the receiver. "This is...uh...the Subspace place. Can I take your order?"
"Finally spoke up, huh?" challenged Samus, trying to shake the three voices' familiarity. "You don't sound like the Minister. I bet he sent one of his Primid cronies to threaten us, huh? Tell me, do you think we're completely stupid? You can track our every move, why are you putting out these newspapers that say we're missing? You're too afraid to admit that this Wolf O'Donnell guy is giving you an even harder time than we are?"
"Oh...right...there's...um...nobody's here to take your call right now," said the bemused Brooklyn voice.
"What?!" Samus raged. With that, the Smashers right next to her jumped.
"I've got some paper right here," said Brooklyn. "Would you like to leave a message?"
"I don't believe this!" fumed Samus. "I thought the Subspace Army were smarter than this! What kind of bumbling idiot are you? I'm almost not worried about you people finding and assassinating us!"
"Finding...and...Hey, does assassinating have two s's both times?" asked the Brooklyn accent. Faint scratching noises of pen on paper could be heard.
"This isn't the message, you stupid Subspace peon!" screamed Samus. "Tell your Minister that we've been training in secret for a couple of weeks now, and we're ready to challenge him! We're going to take down your army, mark my words!"
"W-what is she talking about?" asked the Italian, petrified.
"I don't really care," shrugged the Brooklynite. "But it really sounds like she's getting riled up! This is great! Oh, wait, she can still hear me. Uh, miss? I'll let the Minister know you're waiting for him...He's been working out a lot, you know. Push ups and everything. Just FYI."
"We'll still beat him!" declared Samus, swelling with pride. "Long live Super Smash Brothers!"
"Yeah, whateve-what?!" spluttered Brooklyn.
Before Samus could reply, Pit let out a loud, girlish scream.
Before Samus could reprimand Pit for being so useless, she saw the reason he screamed. She screamed too, more of surprise than fear, but still, her cocky attitude melted away.
Immediately, Pikachu and Link and Kirby and everyone else were desperately fighting off a small group of Primids, only this time, in their absence, the presence of evil Subspace forces was a thousand times more intimidating than it used to be. None of the Smashers in the hut had seen any trace of Subspace activity since finding Marth, and their false sense of security had just been shattered.
At once, Super Scope fire rang out everywhere, subduing some of the less agile Smashers. Swords, fireballs, electricity, arrows, Waddle Dees, grenades, Blaster fire, anything the Smashers could muster towards the Primids seemed to merge into an inherently quirky but reasonably powerful force, driving away their attackers. Screams of pain were erupting from both sides.
"Fox, get off him, he's on our side!" ordered Samus, prying the mentally imbalanced critter off of King Dedede. "And Snake, get more grenades out there! Ness, Lucas, cover me with your PSI Magnets while I try to find out who called me!"
Samus crouched behind the two pulsating blue shields and listened intently to her suit. Nothing.
An explosion. Cheering. Snake jogged over and crouched down next to her.
"Who was it?" asked Snake, pointing at Samus' suit.
"They hung up," smiled Samus sadly, shaking her head. "Sounded familiar though."
"And then-a she said 'Sounded familiar though-a," finished Mario, closing his diary. "That's the story-a of what happened yesterday-a while you were getting firewood-a."
The knot of Smashers he was talking to exchanged blank looks.
"Why do I always have to get the firewood?" asked Marth. "We don't even have a fire."
"Nobody likes a whiner-a, Marth," said Mario promptly. "Besides-a, we're all busy training-a in the hut today."
"It's always good to be prepared!" smiled Pokemon Trainer. "That's why we're training! If that mean old Minister shows his face, we'll be ready to gently destroy him!"
"Exactly-a," beamed Mario. "Now, let's see how the guys-a are doing."
Mario inched open the door, beckoned Marth, Pokemon Trainer, and the others inside, and revelled in the nobility of a fighting force in its prime.
Yoshi flew into the wall right above Mario's head, bleeding all over. Marth and Pokemon Trainer glanced at each other, and edged away out of Mario's sight, not wanting to find out why Yoshi was bleeding so violently.
"Uh, Yoshi-a?" asked Mario tentatively. "Are you okay?"
Yoshi coughed painfully, and opened an eye weakly.
"Oh, it's cool," wheezed Yoshi. "Zelda said I should practice that Ukemi thing, so she's been throwing me at the wall over and over again until I get it right."
Yoshi slid down the wall, collapsing on the floor.
"That's an F minus, plebeian!" roared Zelda. "I'm only going to do this one more time!"
"I'm sorry!" wailed Yoshi. "Please, I want to learn things!"
Dutifully, Yoshi pranced over to Zelda, and puffed out his chest. Zelda closed one eye, and wound up her fist.
Zelda suddenly drew back her fist and blasted Yoshi directly in the chest with a shotgun.
Yoshi careened through the air, crashing against the wall. As soon as he made impact however, he performed a skilful little hop and landed back on his feet, shaken but unhurt.
"How was that?" beamed Yoshi eagerly. "Did I make the team, Coach?"
Zelda attacked Yoshi's left shin with a bullwhip, and the right shin with a cowlick.
"That was perfect, actually," said Zelda. "Too bad you'll never, ever, ever need to do that! Part of my grand schematic for the fight against the Minister is to kill you and use the scent of your freshly rotting corpse as bait for the carnivorous Subspace beasts!"
Yoshi blinked.
"I'm important," smiled Yoshi smugly.
Uneasily, Mario directed his attention to the sound of clanging steel. A swordsman's duel was taking place, as Link sparred with Meta Knight, each developing their own sword styles.
Meta Knight swooped in to attack, Galaxia clutched in his hand. Link took a step forward, determinedly looking into Meta Knight's bright yellow eyes. Meta Knight raised his sword, ready to strike...
Link threw up his Hylian Shield at once, knocking Galaxia away. Meta Knight cursed as Link drew the Shield back and prepared a counter-attack, swinging the Master Sword threateningly.
"Didn't see that one coming," groaned Meta Knight, ruefully picking up Galaxia.
"Would you be okay with a best two out of three situation here?" asked Link, grinning.
"Okay, but no swords," replied Meta Knight.
Link and Meta Knight glanced at each other for a second.
"Ha! That was a good one!" Link chuckled, doubling over with laughter.
"Thanks, man!" laughed Meta Knight, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. "I mean, we all know part of my grand schematic for the fight against the Minister is to hold him off with furious swordplay while the others take care of the other Subspace beasts!"
Chuckling at the different schematics, Mario now looked over at Fox McCloud, who was unleashing serious fury with his Blaster.
On a Sandbag.
"Take this!" roared Fox, furiously throwing his Blaster at the Sandbag.
The Blaster bounced off and landed on the floor.
"Why doesn't that work?" pouted Fox, sitting on the ground and crossing his arms.
Fox angrily slapped his Blaster away.
The Blaster discharged, firing a shot into the Sandbag.
"Oh, wow!" grinned Fox. "I didn't know it could do that!"
Fox picked up his Blaster and began slapping it repeatedly.
"Aw man," pouted Fox. "This is worthless."
Fox dejectedly pawed at the trigger.
The Blaster fired.
"Oh, I get it now!" laughed Fox. "Sometimes I can be so dumb!"
Fox successfully fired his Blaster.
The shot missed Sandbag.
"Aw man," pouted Fox. "I broke it. That sucks. Part of my gran's scam attic for the fight against the President was to use this gun thingy on him until he stopped living."
"He's a real train wreck of an infidel," observed Wario, walking over to Mario.
"Do you think-a we can just sort of leave him-a in day-care before we challenge the Minister-a?" sighed Mario.
"He just learned how a gun works," pointed out Wario. "And you want to let him near little kids? Looks like you're more inclined to my way of thinking than I thought! We can take over the oil supplies after we're done with the Subspace Army! This'll be great!"
"Why did-a you come over and talk to me-a?" asked Mario suspiciously.
"I don't know, you're the leader guy," shrugged Wario. "I just wanted to ask when we're leaving. We've been here for weeks! And all you do is read your diary to the people you send to get firewood we don't even need!"
"Hey-a, my diary's important!" argued Mario.
"Samus getting a phone call isn't that important," scoffed Wario.
"Well, if it wasn't-a for my diary, none of you would have known-a that Saturday was Luigi's birthday-a!" said Mario heatedly.
Wario looked around quickly.
"Luigi's not even here," said Wario.
"Oh-a, right," realised Mario. "Sorry-a, sometimes it gets hard keeping-a track of who's here and who isn't-a."
Wario took a piece of paper out from his pocket, and put on some reading glasses.
"You, me, Peach, Bowser, DK, Diddy, Yoshi, Link, Zelda, Samus, Pit, Popo, Nana, Kirby, Meta Knight, King Dedede, Olimar, Fox, Pikachu, Pokemon Trainer, Marth, Ike, Ness, Lucas, Snake and Sonic are here," recited Wario in an expositional manner.
"You have a list-a?" asked Mario.
"Helps remind me who I need to jihad," shrugged Wario.
"So why are you on the list-a?" asked Mario.
Wario opened his mouth.
Mario raised his eyebrow.
Wario walked away.
"Weird guy-a," muttered Mario. "That reminds me...part of my grand-a schematic for the fight-a against the Minister-a should be to put all the crazies-a in some kind of safe place where-a they won't get killed-a..."
Mario walked among the sparring Smashers, trying to formulate plans. He was the de facto leader though...but it was hard, knowing that some of their friends had left somewhere with Wolf. What had they done? Was there even a Subspace Army left to fight?
Mario was so lost in thought that he walked right past Donkey Kong, who was in the middle of a lake outside the hut, tied to a cinder block on the lake's edge.
"Hey. You. Cloudcuckoolander," called DK briskly. "I'm like five seconds away from violent, bubbling asphyxiation. Get in here and save me, huh?"
"Oh, sorry-a, DK," apologised Mario, cutting away the cinder block. "I'm just so lost-a in thought. What if Wolf and-a those guys already did everything we're trying-a to do?"
"Well, in that case, we're alone in an unknown location," said DK, swimming up to Mario. "When we found Marth, not even he knew where we were. I mean, are. Excuse me; I forgot we haven't moved in weeks."
"I'm not-a surprised nobody knows, though-a," admitted Mario. "To sound horribly rude-a, we do have a lot of stupid-a people on board."
"Yep," nodded DK. "I tell you buddy, part of my grand schematic for the fight against the Minister is just to lock him in a room with half our guys and wait for him to kill himself."
"I guess there's only one-a way to find out what Wolf and those guys-a accomplished," shrugged Mario. "Follow me-a."
"Well, okay, but if Zelda signs you up for 'buoyancy training', ignore her," said DK. He shook water out of his fur. "Trust me."
As if on cue, Zelda bounded out of the hut, an unconscious Yoshi under her arm.
"Oh DK!" trilled Zelda insanely. "Did you die yet?"
"Um...yes," replied DK. "Yes, I died."
"Splendid!" giggled Zelda. "That's one less Snackable I have to prepare!"
"Peach does the cooking-a," said Mario, perplexed.
"Because she's a woman, and that's what they're for," nodded Zelda.
"We're a woman!" protested Sheik.
"Grammatically incorrect, but I can't really think of a way to phrase that correctly without being inaccurate," noticed DK. "There's a conundrum."
"Would-a everyone stop being smart and insane please-a?" demanded Mario. "I want to go tell the others-a something!"
"Let's go over to them using the new technique I learned!" Zelda grinned, taking short hops towards the others, Yoshi dangling limply around her shoulder.
"That's what you learned?" asked DK. "Hopping?"
"Not now-a," muttered Mario. "Could I have your attention-a please, everyone?"
Meta Knight looked up from his practice duel with Link. The change in events surprised Link into missing his sword plant move, instead sticking his sword into the ground.
"What is it, Mario?" asked Meta Knight. "Are we deciding whose schematic was the best?"
"I think it's mine," said Link, leaning against his sword. "My grand schematic for the fight against the Minister was just to trick him into signing a peace treaty. That way, nobody has to get hurt."
"Close your face!" raged Zelda. "The red guy wants to say something!"
"...Thank-a you, Zelda," said Mario. "Listen-a, I think we should stop biding our time-a here, and resume searching for other Smash Brothers-a! We need to find out what Wolf-a and them accomplished in the Isle of the Ancients-a!"
The group of sparring Smashers collectively gasped. Olimar let out a loud cry, pushing King Dedede (who had just won a practice match by smothering him) off of his body.
"We're making progress?!" squeaked Olimar, twitching. "Not cool, man! It was so calm here, and now our mellow is harshed!"
"Yo, I can't understandizzle this guy," King Dedede chuckled, gesturing at Olimar. "That's why my grand schemizzle for the fight against tha' Ministrizzle is to blat'blat' that mofo all the way to 'da West Say-eeed."
"Clearly, you're all idiots," said Snake, siding with Mario. "Look, while it has been worthwhile to improve on our fighting skills, the fact remains that people are dying needlessly without us to stave off the Subspace Army."
"Thanks for making sense-a," smiled Mario.
"And I used to be one of them," continued Snake, wincing. "That's why my grand schematic for the fight against the Minister is to brainwash all of his underlings to join our side!"
"Does anyone else have anything-a to say?" asked Mario quickly.
Everyone raised their hands.
"Lower your hand if it's a schematic-a," sighed Mario.
Everyone lowered their hands.
"Oh!" realised Fox. "Wolf O'Donnell! I know that guy! But when did he change his name?"
"Excuse-a me?" asked Mario, confused.
"Yeah, his name is actually Walter Donald!" Fox grinned. "That sounds way cooler anyways."
"Well, I'm sure-a that's true," sighed Mario, resigned.
"Who are we even trying to save, anyway?" asked Pit. "I mean, don't we have enough people here without having to add more?"
Mario opened his mouth, but DK nudged him.
"Ignore him," advised DK. "He's just angling for an excuse not to risk recruiting more female Smashers."
"Well, we have four women right now, and that's bad enough!" pouted Pit.
"At least he didn't say his-a-" Mario whispered.
"Oh, and my grand schematic for the fight against the Minister is...well...ever heard of being a lover, not a fighter?" asked Pit suggestively.
"See the horizon over there?" asked DK, pointing to a tiny skyline miles away. "Yeah, I could see that coming from there, as soon as it became apparent that this schematic thing is a recurring quirk."
"You wouldn't have had to if I had managed to get a clear shot at him," pouted Zelda, pocketing a sniper rifle. "One pull, right to the body! No more of the gay angel!"
"I've had a pull in the body, if that counts!" called Pit.
"Okay, I'm tuning him out," said DK, shaking his head.
Suddenly, everyone snapped to attention. A spark of electricity crackled around the hut, the tiny lake, and everything else as far as the eye could see. The spark turned into a crack, and in an instant, there was nothing but blackness. The Smashers groped around in the murky black canvas, but bars of color materialised into being, extending lengthways. Blobs of green took shape at the corners of the area. Solid ground arrived next, an array of brown. Everyone except Marth looked surprised.
"What just happened?" asked Lucas fearfully.
"Isn't it obvious?" scoffed Marth. "Don't you remember where we are?"
"Remember?" fumed Kirby. "You never told us where we were once in the weeks that we've been here!"
"Oh, my bad," apologised Marth. "We're in a holographic realm. It's been projecting scenes of green fields and huts and lakes and all that crap. But this is what it really looks like: an archaic arcade-looking representation of the Mushroom Kingdom. It changed right around the time you crashed that blue platform here and found me."
"That explanation doesn't make a lot of sense," DK frowned.
"No? I think it sounds pretty solid," nodded Marth.
"I went to Yale," said DK. "That means I'm smarter, wittier and generally a better person than you. So if I decide it's crap, it's crap."
"I don't know about that," said Bowser. "It looks like the Mushroom Kingdom. Except all pixelly and eight bitty."
"Yeah-a, I mean-a, I must have crossed-a this Warp Pipe a dozen times-a," said Mario, inspecting the green mess of pixels.
"I think it's a perfectly logical explanation, Mr. Marth," nodded Peach.
"See?" smirked Marth. "They agree with me, and they live in the real world version of this!"
"Yo, why ain't we pixelbated?" asked King Dedede, looking around at everyone else.
"Aha!" laughed DK. "Go ahead and worm your way out of this nonsense, Marth!"
"Um, we're not holograms," shrugged Marth. "That's why."
"Sounds good to me," nodded Meta Knight. "DK, sometimes you just have to let your imagination go wild."
"Yeah, I mean, if you can't grasp the concept of holographic worlds, what are you going to be like when I bring out the holo-enemies?" asked Marth.
"Holo-enemies," repeated DK flatly.
"Yeah, I've got Shellcreepers and Sidesteppers," replied Marth.
"What the hell are they-a?" asked Mario.
"You know, turtles and crabs," shrugged Marth.
"Koopas and-a crabs," corrected Mario.
"Whatever," replied Marth. "They've got shells. They creep. Shellcreepers."
A Shellcreeper and a Sidestepper appeared.
"HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN," said the Shellcreeper.
"L IS REAL 2401," agreed the Sidestepper.
"Programmed them myself," smiled Marth proudly. "Since you're so non-believing DK, you can be the first to test their combat skills."
"You want me to kill the holograms," said DK.
"Go for it," nodded Marth.
"The holograms that are holographic and can't be touched by any of the corporeal beings in this room," said DK.
"Yeah, those ones," replied Marth. "Are you chicken?"
"No, I'm rational," snapped DK. "There is no way I can physically interface with them! Watch this!"
Donkey Kong slapped the Sidestepper in the face and tossed him into the Shellcreeper. Both of them died on impact, leaking large amounts of red pixels.
"And is that supposed to make sense?" asked DK, shocked.
"You know what, you're a talking gorilla, why don't you shut the hell up," fumed Marth. "Now go put away my dead hologram bodies before somebody stupid gets to them."
"Corpse ball!" cheered Pit gleefully, picking up the dead Shellcreeper.
"Too late," groaned Marth.
"Hey Meta Knight, go long!" called Pit.
"I'm not going to go long," Meta Knight frowned.
Pit threw the Shellcreeper at Meta Knight. It hit him in the face, cracking against his mask. Meta Knight flew backwards several feet and fell to the ground in a daze.
"Whoa!" gasped Pit. "Look how it sent him flying! That's cool!"
"Yeah?" asked Marth, raising his eyebrows. "Well, if I turn the enemy intensity up, you can have all the crabs you want hit you in the face."
"I fell for that in the past once," admitted Pit. "Heraldo told me he'd been checked!"
"Am I going to have to hear much more homoerotic smut from him?" asked Marth irritably.
"Pretty much every time he speaks, yeah," replied Meta Knight, stumbling to his feet.
Pit embarrassedly looked at his feet, and Marth wisely decided not to say anything else. Instead, everyone decided to wander around the pixellated creation, taking in all the archaic, arcad-ic wonder.
"I've never seen anything like this!" smiled Yoshi enthusiastically. "Can we live here? Please? I bet living here would rock!"
"No, it would not rock!" fumed a chagrined DK. "We can't eat holograms! Even if we could, there's no holographic food! Use your brains, people!"
"Um, we can eat the dead stuff," said Kirby. "That's how animals survive. Duh. For a Yale graduate, you sure are a gibbering idiot sometimes."
"Yo, there ain't any shelta'," noticed King Dedede. "I don't think we can livizzle here. Besizzle, ain't we s'posed to be findin' the rest of the Super Smash Brizzles?"
"I agree with King Dedede," nodded Sheik. "We can't abandon our responsibilities. I daresay we should find our friends or die trying."
"I want you to die trying," retorted Zelda, stabbing her hand.
"You're all getting a little delusional here," admonished Snake, standing on a slightly raised pixel. "Let's all try to regroup and make amends. The Subspace Army wants nothing more than to see us revolt against each other. That was probably most obvious when they brainwashed me."
"Dude, Snake's right," agreed Sonic. "If we're going to worry about something, let's worry about the guy who called Samus, 'kay?"
"Instead of listening to all of this trivial crap, I've been trying to call him back," said Samus. "But nothing's happening. He definitely called from the Subspace base though, so I'll bet he knows something about what happened to the Smashers who went in there."
"Do you think he was one of them?" asked Popo.
"No, she doesn't!" shouted Nana. "Why would one of our guys try to contact us?"
"To help us?" offered Popo under his breath.
"Maybe there are no good and bad sides for the mysterious stranger," said Olimar, waving his hands about hypnotically. "Maybe he represents the inner apathy in all of us, the inner apathy that can only be awoken by the addition of 'mind-fumes' into the brain..."
"I still can't undstizzizze anything the O-man speaks," said Dedede, scratching his head.
"Dammit, why can't any you guys speak right at all?" demanded Kirby. "Proper English aren't that hard!"
"Everyone, everyone, calm down," urged Link. "I think the extreme proximity to lit-up pixels is making everyone a little migraine-y. Let's all try and take our minds off of our irrational hatred of each other."
"Like I said before another conversation devolved into...something like...that..." said Snake, "I think we should get better at regrouping, making amends, and generally not toeing the line of murdering each other."
"Toeing?" shouted Zelda angrily, being forcibly restrained by four or five other Smashers.
"Marth-a, turn off the hologram-a," said Mario, taking charge. The Mushroom Kingdom-reminiscent hologram faded back into the three-dimensional, thoroughly un-pixellated hut. "Now, in order to find out what happened-a at the Isle of the Ancients-a, it's important to know where the heck we are-a now. So the first step-a of our rush to the endgame-a will be to...open this door-a."
Mario indicated the hut door. The Smashers all gasped collectively, marvelling before the door. Some of them fainted. Whether they were walking or being dragged along the ground, the Smashers all made their way outside.
"Now-a, does anybody recognise the area?" asked Mario.
"Hey, I do!" beamed Sonic. "Dude, I had no idea we were here all along! This is-uh-oh! Primids!"
Hearing Sonic's warning, the rest of the Smashers collectively whipped their heads around, following the shaky gloved finger pointing to the distance.
At first, they could see nothing but an array of checkered hills and valleys, but eventually their eyes adjusted away from the almost-all black blindness of Marth's hologram, turning the incoming grey blobs into more corporeal Primids. Immediately, the Smashers divided, leaving the hut open in their centre as they dove behind any form of cover. The only exception was Yoshi.
The green dinosaur looked around desperately. He was unfortunately unable to find any free cover. The Primids were approaching. This was it. He'd have to fight them off.
"I'm an expert at throwing eggs. I can do this," Yoshi told himself.
Yoshi briefly pondered his thought.
"Aw man, I'm dead," moaned Yoshi.
Mustering his reluctant courage, Yoshi cupped a hand to his posterior. The thought of what the ravenous Primids would do to him caused him to expel a ripe-smelling egg.
"Okay, take this!" cried Yoshi, filled with fake, doubtful confidence. He threw the egg wildly at the Primids.
At the same time, he stumbled over, knocking the egg out of midair with one of his flailing arms.
"That was just practice!" screamed Yoshi, feeling mocking glares coming from the Primids. "Now I'll show you what I can really do!"
Yoshi readied a second egg, and tossed it high into the air. It bounced off of a tree branch, and ricocheted into his face, knocking him back to the ground.
"I guess everyone has a little bad luck sometimes," shrugged Yoshi. "But my luck is about to get egg-scellent!"
Yoshi encased himself in an egg and hurled himself at the crowd of Primids. One of the Primids in front stuck out his foot, shattering the brittle egg shell and kicking Yoshi hard in the face.
"Here's how this will work," snarled the Primid who had kicked Yoshi. "We will use you as a hostage to gain leverage over your friends. We will then proceed to capture you all. Now do a better job of being knocked out!"
And with that, the Primid threw Yoshi at the hut. Yoshi weakly shut his eyes, but then they snapped open.
The wall thing! Yoshi thought to himself. This is going to be great! It'll be bananas! B-A-N-A-
Yoshi was smashed painfully against the wall. Remembering what Zelda had been trying to teach him by mercilessly pummelling him against the wall, Yoshi kicked off and converted his rebound momentum into another Egg Roll attack.
The speckled ball of inertia bowled into the Primids, sending them flying into the bushes where most of the other Smashers were convening. At once, swords, Pokeballs, guns, and any other weapons possible were being drawn. Fearfully, the Primids sprinted away, screaming something about backup.
"I did it!" cheered Yoshi. "Dino-myte!"
Yoshi grinned expectantly, waiting for somebody to laugh.
"Green thing!" cried Zelda proudly. "You saved us!"
Zelda stooped down and kissed Yoshi on the cheek. Yoshi grinned gleefully until he noticed that Zelda had smeared ammonia on her lips seconds before.
"It was all because I learned that Ukemi thing we practised!" beamed Yoshi, absent-mindedly scratching at his cheek.
"And to think that I only made that up as an excuse to beat you up and throw you at walls!" laughed Zelda.
"Yoshi, did they say anything around you that could hint at their future plans?" asked Samus urgently.
Yoshi screamed incomprehensibly, wiping his hand over his cheek so fast that the friction burns coupled with the ammonia and his already fairly sandpapery scales ignited his face.
"No, not really," said Yoshi, his face on fire. "They just said that they want to capture us all instead of killing us outright. Is that important?"
"It may be," replied Samus. "Whatever the reason, the Subspace Army are softening their regime. They must want to keep us alive for something important. Do you think it's related to what the others did in their base, Mario?"
"It's hard-a to tell," admitted Mario. "We should just-a get on the move. Sonic, you were saying you know where-a we are, right-a?"
"Sure do, bro!" nodded Sonic. "This is Green Hill Zone! It's from my world! My buds and I like to chill here."
"All this time and you never realised we were here?" asked Kirby furiously.
"Aw, gimme a break," laughed Sonic. "We were all holed up in that hut! Y'know, apart from the times we went outside. But I didn't want to let our location slip! You heard those guys that called Sammy, they can hear us!"
"Fair point, though my name is Samus," said Samus. "Now that we're mobile, it won't make any difference. We'll be leaving soon, right Mario?"
"That's an impressive shuttle-a loop," said Mario, admiring the structure of a giant loop in the middle of the pathway.
"Are you listening to me?" asked Samus.
"The loop?" asked Sonic, happily stepping over. "Ah, man, I love making runs through these things."
"Really? What's yours fastest time?" asked Diddy Kong. "Macs, if you is wanting, I can rig up a few more of these springs lying arounds."
"Wow, it's totally awesome how you're all so nice about where I come from!" beamed Sonic.
"Hey, how about you demonstrate that Wright-given speed of yours?" suggested Pikachu. "Make a lap around this course!"
"Okay!" grinned Sonic, peeling out into a run.
"Can anyone else feel that tremble?" asked Samus. "I'm not just trying to get you to listen to me again, I can genuinely feel an unsettling tremor."
"Oh no, did I do that when I was being awesome all over the Primids?" asked Yoshi worriedly.
"Let's wait for Sonic to come back," decided Samus. "We can warn him then."
"I'm back," said Sonic, screeching to a halt. "Sorry I took so long, dudes. What's up?"
"I thought I felt the ground rumble for a while there," said Samus. "Maybe somebody's coming. Yoshi, are you sure you beat all of the Primids?"
"Yes I did, and I want a reward!" pouted Yoshi.
"Oh, dudes, someone is coming!" laughed Sonic in relief, squinting off into the distance. "It's cool though, it's one of my homies!"
A yellow, two-tailed fox stepped out from behind a tree, glancing around at everyone.
"Everyone, this is my buddy Tails!" introduced Sonic.
"What's wrong with him?" asked Fox at once. "He's got two tails! Ha! What a loser!"
"Now, Fox, be nice," whispered Pokemon Trainer. "In some cultures, foxes are expected to have more than one tail. Heck, there's a fox Pokemon with six tails."
"Freak!" jeered Fox.
"And it grows up and becomes a bigger fox with nine tails," finished Pokemon Trainer.
"Of nature!" jeered Fox.
"Um, Sonic, who are your new friends?" asked Tails.
"Tails, remember a few months back when that robot showed up with one of Eggman's devices and I suddenly left, screaming about killing some fools?" asked Sonic.
"Yeah..." replied Tails slowly.
"Meet the fools!" beamed Sonic.
"Oh. Hi. Sonic, we've all been really worried about you," revealed Tails. "We hadn't heard anything...we've all been hoping that you're okay."
A red echidna burrowed up from the ground next to Tails, a shard of a large green emerald clutched in his spiked fist.
"Yeah, what gives with the not contacting us?" demanded the echidna.
"Well, Knuckles, you don't have an email address or a phone number or anything," shrugged Sonic. "Dude, you shun technology all together!"
"Hey, just because I don't live in your fancy-shmancy not-Angel Island doesn't mean I shun technology," snapped Knuckles. "It just means that I live on a floating rock with nowhere to buy the latest crap."
"Whatever, Knuckles," Sonic chuckled. "So who else is part of this welcoming committee?"
"It's just us," smiled Tails. "Well, us and-"
"Hey guys, what's up?" asked a grey-ish hedgehog, poking his head out from behind the shuttle loop.
"Oh no, not Silver!" groaned Sonic.
"What's-a wrong, Sonic?" asked Mario, as the other Smash Brothers looked lost.
"Silver is the worst thing to happen to my life ever!" complained Sonic. "When he showed his face here, oh, about three years ago, my career went to hell, dude! I know, I know, it's probably a coincidence, but still, I blame that douche!"
"Hey, come on now," protested Silver. "I'm not that bad! I'm the only one around here with psychic powers, right?"
Ness used his psychic powers to pants Silver.
Lucas used his psychic powers to detect something flying in the horizon.
"So Sonic, when are you going to tell us what happened to you?" asked Knuckles.
"When Silver dies!" shouted Sonic.
Zelda stepped forward hopefully.
"You remind me of Princess Elise," smiled Silver pleasantly.
"Who's that?" asked Zelda.
"His ex-wife," laughed Sonic. "He can't even get girls his own species! How sad is that? Freak! Looks like the only way to avoid further embarrassment is to kill yourself, Silver!"
"You...you were the one who was in l-" began Silver.
Sonic punched Silver in the throat. The latter fell over and began writhing on the ground.
"Why did you do that?" asked Tails, alarmed.
"I dunno, probably because I hate him so much," replied Sonic.
"Can't argue with that," shrugged Knuckles. "Ever since he showed up, his psychic powers keep moving me around, even while I'm in the middle of digging. Those little tremors may seem harmless up top, but down here it's like being punched in the throat."
"Good thing I paid him back!" smiled Sonic.
"Oh, so that was the cause of those tremors," said Samus. "I thought we were about to get ambushed by more enemies!"
"That's right, you fellas are on the run from someone, aren't you?" remembered Tails. "It was in that newspaper, The Subspace Emissary!"
"Yeah, we're huge celebrities," Kirby grinned arrogantly. "Well, if outlaws are famous, anyway."
"We're escaping from The Subspace-a Army," explained Mario. "They brainwashed-a Sonic, that's what happened to him-a. We fixed him-a, and we're trying to get to their headquarters-a without being caught by any of their drones-a. Do you have a plane or anything-a that can take us there-a?"
"Yes!" beamed Tails. "I have my plane, the Tornado!...Oh, but there isn't nearly enough room for all of you. Besides, I'd have to come along to fly it..."
"Maybe they can use this blue thing that's flying through the air at us," suggested Knuckles. "It's flying kind of low, too. Duck!"
Knuckles burrowed back into his tunnel, dragging Tails and Silver down with him. The three of them collectively shouted something about Sonic and the other Smashers dealing with the new problem on their own. Panic ensued.
On lighter feet than usual, the mismatched Smashers ran for the shuttle loop in their attempt to escape. Sonic cleared it easily, while the likes of Bowser and King Dedede merely ran headfirst into the vertical curve. These slower Smashers backtracked to a boost pad, endeavouring for greater speed, but gave up when the sheer friction ignited their feet.
Eventually, everyone decided to just scramble over the top of the shuttle loop, tearing its side wall to shreds. What they saw in the thickets of the Green Hill Zone ended up repulsing them. More Primid squads were marching forward, all looking up to the flying ship in uniform. The Smashers tried to listen to the lead Primid's orders to get some bearings.
"They're jumping out!" barked the Primid. "Try to capture as many as you can! Kill them if you have to! Hurry!"
The Primids all readied their Super Scopes, aiming at the tiny, far-off figures falling out of the ship. Then, without warning, they tore off in pursuit. The Smashers all exchanged glances, and then did their best to follow suit.
"Where did they land?" demanded the Primid leader, too furious to notice the other thirty or so Smashers listening in. "I don't see them!"
"I think they're still falling," said a cunning voice, too Southern to be a Primid. "Look up."
The Primid leader looked up, but the Smashers watching scanned the scene intently, unable to detect where the voice came from. As for whose voice it was...well...
"Psyche!" barked Mr. Game and Watch, springing up from the ground. He swung a pixellated turtle into the Primid leader's gut. The turtle gnawed its way to the Primid leader's death, and Mr. Game and Watch leaped into the air, firing off both middle fingers.
"You all fell for a misdirection!" Mr. Game and Watch chortled tauntingly. "Choke on that, Primids!"
"The others are around here!" shouted a Primid. "Flush them out! You two, check that rock!"
The two Primids strode over to the rock. One of them rapped it with his fist.
"Absolutely safe," smiled the Primid. "They won't fool us with another disguise."
Suddenly, the rock deflated, turning lighter and lighter pink with every second. The Smashers felt another gratifying jolt of recognition.
"You guys want to be more careful!" smiled Jigglypuff sweetly. In a sudden whiplash of emotion, she puffed up her cheeks and delivered a Pound attack right into one of the Primid's faces. When his fellow Primid turned to attack, she got there first with a Rollout.
"No!" cursed another Primid. "Don't let them overwhelm you! Fire! Fire!"
The Primids fired rapid streams of yellow lasers from their Super Scopes, but they were met with blue laser fire. A graceful blue shape was flying through the sky in sweeping circles, brandishing a gun in one wing. Fox McCloud cheered.
"We're back from your base!" shouted Falco Lombardi menacingly between Blaster shots. "There's no way you're stopping us all now!"
Mario excitedly turned to the rest of the Smashers.
"We're saved-a!" cheered Mario. "Can you believe this-a?"
"Falcy!" cheered Fox. "Go Falcy! This is great!"
"Is that balloon girl single?" inquired Ike.
"Mind out of the gutter, you swine," Samus frowned. "Don't you have any standards?"
"I'll have you know I'm looking for an intelligent, well-read nymphomaniac," retorted Ike smugly.
"This is wonderful-a!" continued Mario. "Now we know they're all right-a!"
"Yeah, it was really t-touch and go up there," nodded Luigi.
"It must have been-a!" nodded Mario.
Everyone else stared at the two plumbers, shocked.
...
"Luigi?!" gasped Mario, amazed. "Brother-a! You're alright! But-a...what happened to your accent-a?"
"I p-phased it out," chuckled Luigi. "I've just got this st-stutter instead."
"Mr. Luigi, I'm so happy you're alive!" squealed Peach happily, hugging Luigi.
"Glad to be alive," replied Luigi, his voice suddenly an octave higher.
"Over there!" cried a Primid at once. "In fact – I don't believe this – it's the entire group of Smashers reported missing! Kill them! Kill them!"
As if on cue, the ship suddenly plummeted to the ground. The pilot leaped out of the cockpit, geared up to fight.
"Crap! It's exactly who we thought it was!" cried the Primid. "Dammit! Super Smash Brothers, is he with you? Answer me!"
"Is who with us?" asked Ness, trying to stand on his tiptoes to see who the Primid was talking about.
"Don't play dumb with the Subspace Army!" raged the Primid. He addressed his comrades. "All of you! We've identified those aboard the ship as Mr. Game and Watch, Jigglypuff, Falco, let's see, uh, Luigi is here with the main group, and " - he suppressed a gulp – "-him! Engage them in battle and don't let them defeat any more of us!"
The Primids charged at Mr. Game and Watch, Jigglypuff, and Falco, who fought their way through the crowd to join the others.
"They're all h-here, guys!" smiled Luigi, taking a quick headcount.
"Hello, everyone!" beamed Jigglypuff cheerily, waving energetically.
"Great, let's get out of here," smiled Falco.
"Shut up, Falco," snapped Mr. Game and Watch. "What we need to do is get out of here!"
"Can it, old man!" shouted Falco. "I'm trying to tell everyone that we should get the hell out of here!"
"Where will we go?" asked Link. "I mean, look, over there! The Primids are swarming him!"
Sure enough, the Primids all seemed to be closing in on the same target. Their target caught Falco's eye, and pointed to the ship they had arrived in.
One of the Primids tried to take advantage of this momentary lull to attack, but one fiery uppercut later, his body thudded to the ground in front of his fellows.
"Dammit!" cursed the new Primid leader. "All of the others are heading for that flyer! Get them too!"
One of the burlier Primids sprinted off in pursuit of the Super Smash Brothers, dropping his boomerang in favor of one of his fallen comrades' Super Scopes.
Left and right, more and more Primids were meeting the same bone-crushing demise as the fight grew increasingly one-sided.
"We're nearly there!" cheered Jigglypuff. "Trust me, this ship will save your life! Are any of you pilots?"
Fox, Meta Knight and Falco all raised their hands. Instantly, everyone dragged Fox along with them.
"You do it," urged Meta Knight. "You're saving us anyway."
"Thanks, man," nodded Falco. "'scuse me, I have to heckle those guys."
Falco climbed aboard the blue flyer, and whistled at the remaining Primids.
"Hey! You Primid bastards, over there! See you in Hell!" roared Falco enthusiastically. "We're out of here!"
As soon as everyone had crammed themselves inside, Falco took hold of the steering wheel and a lever and began waggling them furiously.
The Primid chasing them grabbed on to one of the streamlined, aerodynamic fins on the exterior.
The rest of the Primids threw Gooey Bomb after Gooey Bomb at their target.
"How the hell does he fly this thing?" demanded Falco, pounding the control panel, all confidence gone. "It's nothing like an Arwing! Where's the barrel roll button?"
The flyer feebly raised itself off of the ground by about two or three feet. The Primid clutching the exterior fin bashed the flyer's outside with his boomerang in anger.
"Where's the ignition?" cried Falco. "Guys, could the thirty of you maybe try and find the keys for me?"
"You're useless!" shrieked Zelda. "Every man for himself!"
Zelda dived out of the window, pulling a few of the children outside with her. Other assorted Smashers began escaping, until it was just Fox, Falco and Meta Knight left.
"Nothing like the Halberd at all," groaned Meta Knight dispassionately. "We might be done here."
"Ah, fuck this!" yelled Falco, punching the wall. "Bail, we'll just have to hope we don't get killed down there!"
"Um, Falcy, that mister guy seems to be doing all right!" noticed Fox.
"We'll soon find out!" replied Falco, barging his way out of the flyer. Meta Knight followed suit, but as Fox left, he tripped over a pedal on the floor.
"Deployment initialised," said a computerised voice.
"...God?" asked Fox. "Scary!"
On the ground, the last few Primids were firing despondently at their foe, but to no avail. The other Super Smash Brothers ran as hard as they could back through the fight, just as Fox jumped out of the flyer.
An approaching skiff full of Primids was crushed under the flyer as it landed on the ground once more, and as the single survivor climbed out of the skiff's wreckage to join the fight, he was crushed by a smaller blue car coming out of the large blue ship.
The Primid who had been latching onto the flyer fell to the ground, and was pelted by a Gooey Bomb with a piece of spandex stuck to it – evidently one that had been torn off and thrown back.
As he exploded, the new Primid leader – now the only one remaining, cursed at the sight of all his fallen teammates.
"Fall back!" called the Primid instinctively...though he was the only one left alive in Green Hill Zone. Furious, he shielded his head with both hands and ran for it.
Around thirty pairs of Super Smash Brother feet skidded to a halt to rejoin their savior. Most of the children and some of the more cowardly adults had been firmly closing their eyes to avoid seeing everything, and they opened them blearily.
"Sorry about that, here are the keys, get back to the Falcon Flyer, hurry!" urged Captain Falcon, taking off his helmet and mopping his forehead clean of Primid blood.
"Oh my god, Captain Falcon!"
"It is him!"
"He's okay too!"
"Who's he again?"
"Captain Falcon."
"Oh yeah."
The Smashers all excitedly gasped and began to talk all at once, eventually being shushed by Falco, Jigglypuff, Luigi and Mr. Game and Watch.
"Falcon, is it really you?" asked Samus, awestruck. Ike's grin faded a little.
"Yeah, of course it's me," smiled Falcon, almost losing his composure. He quickly regained it, shaking his head. "Now get moving, all of you!"
"So, where have you been?" asked Samus, sounding on the verge of a giggling fit.
"Not the place to tell you!" called Falcon, trying to appear as if he was speaking to everyone at large. "Just take the Falcon Flyer and fly to where Falco takes you! The other three will explain their part of the story, I'll meet up with you later and explain my part! Now move!"
"Your part of the story-a?" asked Mario.
"W-we've done a lot," admitted Luigi sheepishly.
"It's been craaaazy," nodded Jigglypuff.
"We'll explain on the way," added Mr. Game and Watch.
"But first, let's leave our old buddy to scope out Green Hill Zone," smirked Falco. "Back to the Falcon Flyer then, now that I actually have the keys..."
Mammoth chapter. I hope you liked it. I think there were a few guys I hadn't used in a while in there.
Read and review! Or just review. At this part I think you've probably read it.