Lawli: I am SO SORRY this took such a long time to get out. I always think I'll have so much time on my hands to write when I'm on summer break, and then I always end up writing absolutely nothing at all. I've been out of the country (in Canada!) until a week ago, so I've been thoroughly distracted. And whenever I did manage to sit down and try and work on this, I met a brick wall every time. This second half of this chapter just did not want to be written.
I could go on and on listing excuses and apologizing, but I won't. All you need to know is that this story hasn't been abandoned! And that I'll try to update as regularly as I can.
THANKS TO... animehamster, Arkaham, Suffocated Entity, icarus923, loveableneko, potterfreak0515, Crispy Rice, Candelabra, ^_^, 6-The-Cloaked-Nocturne-9, realms of fic, loki lee, The Jelly Bean, DarkBombayAngel, Murasaki Anima, Banana Nut Muffin, deadaydreamer, Cheese-kun, bb-s, Derdimant, Aria DC al Fine, deathnoteno1fan-codegeasslover, calmxbeforexthexstorm, YaoiOkami, Ten, Closet Chocoholic, cridget101, ashfort, L Lexuran, simple charm, La Luna Negra, Vermillion Lies, emi_to_mao_374, megumi natsuyama, A, mochiusagi, RukiButterfly, AyanamiEraclea, Serena the Hikari of Love, Jackidy, Unadorned, Millicent, Op_2, DrawerDiary, twilightserius, DrewMayShipper, Nearu, Zurelily, moffit, Zakksu, S a l t y M i n t . P a n i c, stuckinabottle, Shinigami966890, RedGoldX3, Empty Melodies, Clichecatch, Cross - The Damned Alchemist, Viv. ... FOR REVIEWING!
Also thanks to those of you who recommended new series for me to watch! Especially 6-The-Cloaked-Nocturne-9, who recc'd Kuroshitsuji and Nabari no Ou, both of which I'm now obsessed with! XD (-totally cosplaying as Ciel-in-drag next month-)
ONTO THE FIC! Enjoy ample amounts of angsty and in-denial Suzaku... ;P
The Charlatans of Circumstance
-Chapter Eleven-
"Miss Suzako?"
Suzaku groaned, turning over onto his side in an attempt to escape the voice calling out to him. To his chagrin, a harsh beam of sunlight assaulted him, making his eyes twitch behind closed lids and squeeze shut tightly. His nose twitched from the uplift of dust off the newly-opened curtains.
"Miss Suzako," the voice called again. Persistent. It obviously would not leave until he was awake. There was no trying to fight it.
With a heavy sigh Suzaku wrenched open his eyes, having to squint to block out the rays of light which, after just having woken, were not welcome in the slightest.
"Ah, good! You're awake!"
Sitting up in the large bed, Suzaku rubbed his eyes to try and get the leftover sleepiness out of them, and once the haze in his mind had somewhat cleared away he noticed it was Sayoko present with him in the bedroom.
... The bedroom that, upon another quick sweep of the eyes, did not resemble the one he had been given. One difference Suzaku immediately picked up on was that the bed had gold sheets and was positioned against the opposite wall than he remembered.
A cold apprehension filled him as Suzaku hesitantly met Sayoko's gaze. The maid was smiling in the same knowing way she always did. There could be no pretending with this woman.
"Um," Suzaku began uncertainly, not wanting to ask (afraid of the answer) but feeling the need to anyways; "where am I?"
Sayoko did not hesitate to answer. "You are in master Lelouch's bedroom."
With those words Suzaku's heart dropped into his stomach. Lelouch's bedroom? How? Why? What on Earth was he doing in there? They hadn't – Suzaku broke out in a nervous sweat – they hadn't done anything, had they?
Too quickly, Suzaku pulled back the covers and took a good look at himself. To his immense relief he was still clothed in his dress from the previous evening (he was missing his stockings, but he wouldn't go there right now). That left the probability of them having done something they'd both regret at a minimum, but the chance was still there. Suzaku's mind was foggy, a jumble of blurry memories he couldn't make sense of alone, or couldn't piece together to form a clearer picture.
He remembered dinner, unpleasant as it was, and going to the park afterward... following the sound of faint music – drums... dancing, and the feeling of someone kissing him so desperately... wonderfully... and then nothing.
"Master Lelouch insisted this be brought to you, Miss Suzako."
Suzaku, for the first time, took notice of the tray of food on the edge of the bed. Scones, croissants, fresh fruit and tea. Lelouch sent that for him? Unbidden, a blush crept across Suzaku's cheeks at the gentlemanly notion. It just didn't seem like Lelouch to do something like that; unless it was all just a part of the act? He hated to think so pessimistically but he just didn't know what to make of Lelouch anymore.
Gingerly he took a croissant from the tray. "Where is Lelouch?" he questioned innocently. In a way he was relieved that Lelouch wasn't present, but he did wonder if the other man knew something about the previous night.
Sayoko moved over to the second large bay window of the bedroom to draw back the curtains. "He's gone into town for the day," she replied. "I'm afraid he won't be back until much later."
"I see." Suzaku took a small bite of his croissant, wondering what he was supposed to do for the day with Lelouch gone.
Wait, what was he thinking? Suzaku didn't depend on people – especially not Lelouch – to enjoy his day. He didn't need Lelouch there!
Sayoko turned back to him. "Shall I run you a bath, my lady?"
Suzaku nodded, and ten minutes later was lounging in a tub filled near to the brim with water. A sigh escaped him as he sunk further in, chin and mouth disappearing below the water's surface.
What happened last night?
As much as he repeated the question, no answer ever followed it. Suzaku couldn't recall how they'd made it back to the estate from the park – couldn't even remember a majority of what happened at the park. Just music, the constant beat of drums and the feeling of being swept away. And...
Suzaku touched a hand to his lips, almost swearing that they began to tingle in remembrance of a phantom's kiss. Green eyes slid shut, Suzaku attempting to put a face to the shadow in his mind.
Could it...
No. He couldn't even complete that thought. There was no way he would... not with Lelouch.
But then, it might explain why he'd woken up in Lelouch's bed, or why Lelouch sent him breakfast in aforementioned bed, or even why Lelouch was conveniently absent that morning.
Why would Lelouch kiss me?
Suzaku couldn't think of a reason for Lelouch to do something like that. The man looked like he would pass out when pressured to give Suzaku a peck on the lips in front of their dinner guests, so why would he kiss Suzaku fully on the lips when there was nobody demanding it?
Lelouch had been acting strangely, though. Like when he'd defended Suzaku in front of Bradley. Not that Suzaku didn't appreciate it, it was just that...
"She's my lover."
Suzaku released a deep breath through his mouth, creating a stream of bubbles in the water.
Why did he have to use that word? Lover...
"I wanted to impress you..."
But it hadn't been the usual flaunting. Moreover, why would Lelouch even care about impressing him?
"She's my lover."
He needed to stop thinking about this; it was only making him more confused, and for some reason the longer he mulled over it, the less he found himself bothered by the possibility of Lelouch having been the one to kiss him.
Suzaku groaned loudly. "This is crazy!" And it was. There was no way in Hell that he could have feelings for Lelouch. Had acting the part of a woman gone to his head so completely that he was actually starting to fall for another man? And Lelouch, of all men? "I'm going crazy!"
"Miss Suzako?"
Suzaku screamed, turning quickly towards the door and nearly passing out as he saw Sayoko standing there, wide-eyed – staring not at his face but at his lack of chest.
"U-um," Suzaku stammered, blushing furiously. "I..." He swallowed and shook his head, dropping the feminine act and using his normal voice. "This is... I can explain!"
Sayoko only placed the towel in her hands on the counter and left the room. But the grin on her face as she did so didn't get by Suzaku.
When Suzaku finally managed to track Sayoko down, the young maid didn't even seem interested in listening to anything he had to say.
"Master Lelouch's preference in sexual partners is hardly my business," she told the stuttering and red-faced Suzaku, who proceeded to stutter even more as the blush on his face darkened.
"Th-that isn't – I-I mean, Lelouch and I, we aren't—"
Sayoko gave one of her usual smiles. "Never fear, miss Suzako. I have no intention of revealing the truth. Nor do I expect you or my young master to explain yourselves. To be honest... I've known he was planning something from the start. Master Lelouch is not the sort of man to take a bride, especially not so soon after meeting her. And more than that, he is not the sort of man to do what his mother wants of him. Though I am impressed by this scheme of his; how he's managed to fool the rest of the family so easily."
She tilted her head to the side. "I wonder how much longer you two can keep it up..."
Suzaku heaved a sigh, looking away from her. Truthfully, it would probably be better to end things sooner rather than later. Before his feelings became even more messed up than they already were. But Lelouch still hadn't given him any indication of how their little relationship was supposed to meet its end. Just how long did Lelouch want to keep pretending? As of late, he hadn't seemed particularly bothered about being with Suzaku.
Or is it Suzako he doesn't mind?
During all the time he'd spent together with Lelouch, Suzaku couldn't say he'd ever fully been himself, and appearance-wise he'd looked like a woman. So was it that woman whom Lelouch enjoyed being with?
It made sense. More sense than Lelouch liking a poor Eleven boy with absolutely nothing to his name.
Suzaku placed a hand against his chest, rubbing at the skin over his heart as if trying to relieve himself of an ache he couldn't quite reach. "I don't know how much longer," he replied in a hushed voice.
Sayoko regarded him for a moment. "You don't want it to end."
It was a statement, not a question. Suzaku raised his head, blinking twice. "What?"
"You don't want it to end. This relationship you have with master Lelouch... You're afraid to lose it."
Suzaku didn't know what to say.
Possibly because Sayoko's words were truer than she herself even realized, or that Suzaku wanted to admit. Because there was no way he could actually want to continue living like this – living as Lelouch's pretend-lover. He didn't actually have feelings for Lelouch; he wasn't really in love with him!
...Right?
It was to Suzaku's great displeasure, as he blindly descended the stairwell, lost in thoughts of his previous discussion with Sayoko, that he bumped – literally – into Marianne Lamperouge. He wouldn't have even realized he'd done it, if not for the dignified huff that reached his ears seconds afterward, making him freeze in his steps and flush as he finally took note of who stood before him.
Great. As if Marianne didn't already have enough reasons to hate him, now she could add his being careless and rude to the list. With all the things he already had to worry about – especially his new, possible (yes, possible... Suzaku did not want to accept them as a definite just yet) feelings for Lelouch – Suzaku did not want to deal with an irate Marianne. Quickly he stammered out an apology.
Marianne considered him with cool lavender eyes that reminded him too much of her son's before tilting her head and smiling in that 'friendly-but-not-really' way of hers.
"Not a problem. I imagine it must be hard for such a gangly woman as yourself to walk properly in those," she replied, glancing down at the heeled shoes adoring Suzaku's feet.
Suzaku balked, yet in the midst of feeling self-conscious couldn't keep his pride from flaring up. Walking in heels was hard – especially for him, a man, who had no need to wear a pair up until just recently. The fact that he learned how to walk in them so quickly was something to be admired, even if he did, admittedly, stumble from time to time. Of course, even though he so badly wanted to wipe that little grin of her face, he could never tell Marianne any of that; it would ruin Lelouch's plans.
But he hated this! Hated having to act like this when all he wanted to do was prove himself – to give some kind of snide remark that would shut the woman in front of him up for good. Showing a bit of character from time to time, just so the Lamperouge family knew Suzako wasn't a pushover, was fine but it wasn't something he could do as often as he would have liked; there was standing up for oneself and then there was being a bitch, the latter which Suzaku did not people thinking of him as.
Besides... he couldn't ruin things for Lelouch. Even if he still had no idea what Lelouch hoped to achieve with this grand charade.
Suzaku took a silent deep breath and met Marianne's gaze yet again, determined not to start anything, yet at the same time not about to roll over. "Yes. Luckily for me, and," he gave a small chuckle, "probably everyone around me, Lelouch prefers when I don't wear heels. But as for his reasons... well, he finds heels much harder to take off at the end of the day" The suggestiveness of the statement was even more pronounced due to the tone of voice Suzaku chose to adopt. "He's quite impatient, your son."
He didn't wait for her to say anything – not that Marianne had much to say to that – instead sidestepping around Lelouch's mother and continuing down the stairs, mindful of where he was going this time around. He had to say he felt quite proud of himself. While his words had been lewd for a lady, as well as completely untrue, there was nothing cruel about them.
"Suzako!"
Suzaku's expression brightened immediately as he caught sight of Euphemia in the parlor. She was sitting on the starch white sofa with a book in hand and a cup of tea on the table before her, dressed in a casual ivory and green dress that hugged her curves nicely. Today Suzaku had on a dress of a similar cut, and he couldn't help but notice how completely differently it hung on him. It made him wonder how on Earth he was fooling anyone in this house.
"Good morning, Euphie," he greeted, making his way over to the sofa to sit next to her.
Euphemia smiled – a real smile unlike Marianne's, which made his heart flutter and sink at the same time. Euphemia was such a beautiful woman, and kind as well; the sort of woman Suzaku could easily see himself falling in love with. It was such a pity they had to meet under these circumstances, with Suzaku in a dress and seriously doubting his own sexuality thanks to Lelouch.
"Afternoon is more like it."
Suzaku glanced at the clock that hung on the opposite wall and was shocked to discover she was right. He hadn't even realized how late it had gotten. He must have been talking with Sayoko for a long time...
At just the thought of that conversation, a blush started to creep down his neck.
"I'm sorry, that was too bold of me!"
The exclamation brought him back to the present, Suzaku making a face and replying intelligently, "huh?"
It was Euphemia's turn to blush. She fiddled with the folds of her skirt, avoiding Suzaku's gaze. "It was nothing, never mind." She made the mistake of raising her eyes, and upon seeing the brunette's confusion her blush darkened even further. "I-I'd just asked... if you and my brother had a nice time last night."
Despite its implications Suzaku could find nothing bold about the question, and he voiced just as much – which seemed to relieve Euphemia a great deal, considering how her posture relaxed afterward. "It was very nice. Lelouch is... very romantic." Suzaku didn't even know if he was lying when he said these things anymore. Because honestly, thinking back on the evening – the carriage ride, dinner at an upscale restaurant – even if the latter hadn't turned out quite as expected, it was a very romantic evening.
"I've always thought so," Euphemia agreed with a giggle. "He tries so hard to put on a cool façade, but... I've always thought he was the most soft-hearted of my brothers."
Suzaku frowned. So Euphemia noticed the two sides of her brother as well..
"I wonder why he does that."
Euphemia blinked. "Does what?"
"Pretends." Suzaku noticed for the first time that there were now two cups of tea on the table, and Sayoko was standing by the entrance of the parlor. Silently, Suzaku smiled in thanks and lifted the china cup to his lips. He hesitated before drinking to elaborate. "To be honest... I hate it when Lelouch doesn't act like himself. Sometimes I find it hard to know what he's really thinking, when he tries to pretend he's someone he's not; he treats me differently..."
"But you're his fiancée," Euphemia said, taking her own cup of tea in both hands. "You should know he loves you even if he's putting up a front around others."
"He shouldn't have to do that!" Suzaku exclaimed before he could stop himself. "What does he need to put up a front for? Lelouch is... he's a good person, he shouldn't have to hide that from anyone."
Euphemia gave a gentle smile, lavender eyes radiating warmth and the fondness she felt towards her elder brother as she sipped her tea. "Lelouch has always been that way, though."
Suzaku slumped back against the sofa in a manner that was hardly ladylike and gave an exasperated sigh. "What's he trying to prove?"
"I don't think I'm the one you should be asking."
As if Lelouch would ever tell him anything about his personal life. All he told Suzaku was the bare minimum, and only because he didn't want Suzaku saying anything stupid that might blow their cover. He would never divulge anything about his feelings, Suzaku knew that already, so he found it stupid to even consider asking Lelouch about this.
Still, that didn't change the fact that Suzaku wanted to know. He shouldn't want to know – really, he shouldn't care at all. But if there was anything he'd realized this morning it was that he'd come to care far more about Lelouch than he ever could have foreseen.
Why did Lelouch act one way when alone with certain people (like Suzaku himself), and a completely different way around others?
Suzaku didn't even know what he would do if he ever found out the answers to his questions, but... he wanted to know.
What was Lelouch afraid of?
As Sayoko promised, Lelouch didn't return home until early evening. Suzaku didn't want to admit that he'd missed the other man, but... well, there was only so much he could do at the Lamperouge estate!
Wanting to avoid Marianne as much as possible, Suzaku occupied himself with accompanying Euphemia on a stroll through the gardens, where they encountered Arthur (and his lethally sharp claws, or so the scratches along Suzaku's arms hinted); afterwards they'd spent time with Kaguya, though the girl had little interest in anything besides the television in her room.
Suzaku found it difficult to speak with her when dressed as Suzako anyways, for all she seemed to want to do was inquire about his and Lelouch's affairs (and, yes, she did stress it like that). With that attitude of hers, she wouldn't be much help but Suzaku found himself wanting to talk to her in private about the strange things he was feeling; she was his only family, the only person he felt as though he could talk to about such things, even if she would never let him live it down. Kaguya did have her moments of wisdom, and Suzaku felt as though he could use her advice now more than ever. But he couldn't exactly boot Euphemia out of the room.
So instead, the three 'women' all sat on Kaguya's large bed, the television set on a soap opera (at first they'd been watching a talk show, but Suzaku immediately switched the channel when the topic of the day was announced as My Wife Had a Sex Change, hearing Kaguya snort under her breath as he did so) as they gossiped and painted their toenails. Suzaku was reluctant to let either of them go near his feet, but at Euphemia's insistence he begrudgingly allowed her to paint the nails red.
"We're just like sisters already," she'd giggled, while Suzaku tried hard not to shiver pleasantly at the touch of her delicate fingers on his feet, which had always been rather sensitive.
By the time Suzaku left the room several hours later, with a perfect pedicure and his head filled with the latest on the Lamperouge family and friends, he felt far more like a woman than he'd ever wanted to in his life. As strange and emasculating as the experience had been, the time spent with Kaguya and Euphemia helped him forget everything he'd been worrying about before.
...Not that it mattered, since the moment he saw Lelouch all his questions and insecurities came rushing back.
He was standing in the foyer, and Suzaku couldn't help but think with a heavy blush that he looked devastatingly handsome in his black slacks and white button-down, a red tie loosened around his neck. For a brief moment Suzaku felt the insane desire to reach out and pull the tie away altogether.
Oh, god, he was losing it.
This needed to stop. Suzaku didn't like these weird thoughts and feelings towards Lelouch, they weren't right at all. Before things got any worse than they already were, he needed to end this. He needed to speak to Lelouch alone, find out a way for their little act to come to an end because he couldn't live with having Suzako's feelings for Lelouch.
"Lelouch, I—"
"Suzako, I'm glad you're here."
There was a cheerful lilt to Lelouch's voice, and for the first time Suzaku noticed the uncharacteristic grin on his face. Suzaku, wondering if this was another act, hesitated before proceeding further into the foyer. He stopped as he reached Lelouch's side, keeping a safe amount of distance between them, but Lelouch would have none of it. He placed a hand on Suzaku's arm, drawing him closer.
Unbidden, a blush appeared on Suzaku's face as Lelouch's arm dared to drift lower, until it wound around his waist to hold the two of them together. He didn't need this right now! "Look, I have to talk to you about something," he began, only to have Lelouch interrupt him again.
"Can it wait?" Lelouch asked, the smile morphing into a more customary frown. "There's someone I wanted you to meet."
Suzaku shook his head, attempting to wriggle out of Lelouch's hold. "No," he hissed. "I really have no desire to meet any more of your family members. This is important."
"It's not a family member," Lelouch promised. "And I think it's more important than whatever you may want to say to me." He paused, effectively capturing Suzaku's interest. "It's about Kaguya."
That did the trick. Suzaku gave up complaining and allowed Lelouch to take him by the arm and lead him from the house.