There are some things you just don't need to know about your loved ones. What they do in their free time, and so on. Well, I recently found Rebuilding after a months-long period of being AWOL. It was smoking what it would later claim was a "prescription plant, yo" with some bad influence fanfics.
Kicking and screaming, I dragged Rebuilding to its room and forced it to regurgitate a fifty-second chapter. Let's see it undermine my authority again.
Rebuilding
Chapter 52: Kill Only the Killers
The Falcon Flyer brought the Smashers out from the carnage of Green Hill Zone and there, across a grim-looking forest, sheltered from the rest of society by an imposing garnish of gnarled trees and ruined fences, they saw Luigi's Mansion. Despite its age and atmosphere, the veterans of the Isle of the Ancients debacle assured the others that it was their designated safe house.
Before they had even landed, the doors of the mansion swung open to welcome everyone. Upon landing, the Smashers were led into the dining room. Sitting at the head of the table, Falco, Luigi, Jigglypuff and Mr. Game and Watch began their retelling of events.
"Wolf tracked us down because the Ancient Minister was becoming more obvious as a threat," said Mr. Game and Watch. "He got Jigglypuff and Ganondorf first, while the Minister sent me doctored orders from Master Hand instructing me to attack them."
"The Minister started attacking this Pokemon Lucario with Fox's girlfriend, who he possessed," explained Jigglypuff. "Then we showed up and Walter killed the lady and the Prime Minister escaped."
"Luigi, Mr. Game and Watch and I interrupted their next confrontation with the Minister, allowing him to recover, attack and then escape," admitted Falco.
"Ganondorf found Jigglypuff unconscious in a puddle of this p-purple stuff called Aura, which he somehow used to receive a message from Lucario, who the Minister stole," continued Luigi.
"Wolf said we should go to the Subspace base at the Isle of the Ancients, but the Minister followed us in," said Mr. Game and Watch.
"Walter and Ganondorf went into the bomb factory. They found Toon Link, and Walter told Ganondorf he was the Malevalour Auror," added Jigglypuff.
"The Subspace Army found out we were there, and a fight broke out between the Primids and Master Hand, who showed up with Alloys," explained Falco.
"Wolf told us to escape and find h-help while he and Ganondorf set off a S-Subspace bomb that would blow up the b-base with the Minister still inside," said Luigi.
"Ganondorf didn't want to go, but he changed his mind at the last minute," said Mr. Game and Watch.
"We don't really know what happened to the others after they left," admitted Jigglypuff.
"But we escaped," said Falco. "Um, by diving off of the island."
"And Captain Falcon saved us," finished Luigi. "Any q-questions?"
The story's audience were silent and fatigued. Hardly anyone had the energy to form enough logic to ask anything insightful. Eventually, DK let out a little gasp, raising his hand like he was some sort of Yale alumni.
"Yes?" asked Luigi, pointing to DK.
"Oh, this isn't about the story," said DK, waving dismissively. "I was just wondering if you've realised the irregular patterns of your mansion's supporting ballasts."
"W-what?" asked Luigi, confused.
"I'm sure it's not any indication of your ineptitude," assured DK. "I just think that they, um...shouldn't be in the middle of the room, you know."
The Smashers looked at each other, and collectively decided to stop leaning on the ballasts behind their chairs.
"Not to worry, though," smiled DK. "I took a construction course at Yale. That's where I was educated, you know. Yale. I'll just make a few adjustments and everything will be fine. Can someone hold this ballast in place while I unscrew the bottom?"
Everybody suddenly noticed that Ness' face had turned quite a lovely shade of white.
"Is this the screw that's meant to have been there all this time and totally has been?" asked Ness hesitantly.
"Y-yes!" panicked Luigi.
"Oh, you foolish idiot," sighed DK.
"Does anybody else see that?" asked Meta Knight, pointing up at the roof.
"The ceiling's caving in, isn't it?" asked DK wearily. "Ness, you tool. Go sit in the corner."
Ness slumped off, in disgrace.
The ballast collapsed into powder without Ness there to hold it.
"I wasn't talking about the caving in," said Meta Knight, shaking his head. "That roof's got asbestos."
"Not to worry," smiled DK. "I took a chemistry course at Yale. But first, I should really have asked you if you have home insurance, Luigi."
"I cleared out to join the Smash Brothers y-years ago!" protested Luigi.
DK opened his mouth to discuss payment for his services, but the ceiling chose that moment to cave in. The Smashers, coughing heavily, spat out chunks of wood and plaster. They struggled to their feet in a pile of asbestos-infested ceiling, waiting to get back to the task at hand with bated breath.
"So that'll cost you, then," murmured DK. "Also, Meta Knight, I was totally right about that cave-in thing.
"P-please stop destroying my mansion!" sobbed Luigi. "The entire r-right side! It's gone, all gone!"
"You boys should have been more considerate," said Peach, handing Luigi a tissue. "Well, if I wasn't so good-natured, I'd give you all a proper tongue-lashing!"
Luigi looked up suddenly, gazing at Peach.
"It's-a his own fault anyway," snapped Mario. He continued, still glaring at Peach. "Luigi-a, if you'd kept this place-a in better condition, they wouldn't-a have touched the pillar thing-a."
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" screamed Luigi. "Who are you to give me maintenance advice? I'm the one who covers your plumbing shifts while you're living it up in outer space or in a tropical island or in a bunch of paintings!"
Mario glared at Luigi, confused.
"Yep, keep on looking!" continued Luigi angrily. "It's about time you looked at me! I'm just an afterthought to the toast of the Mushroom Kingdom, aren't I? No, on second thought, forget it, it's actually quite nice being unappreciated for supplementing your rescue operations for a woman you don't even care about! Forget what I said, let's hear more life lessons from the self-centred, always-gotta-be-in-charge, arrogant son of a bitch that is my brother!"
"Um...all I did-a was suggest-" began Mario, but Luigi hugged him.
"I'm sorry, let's move on," sobbed Luigi, looking wiped out. "It's just...uh...it's...the thing with Wolf was...uh...r-really emotional?"
The rest of the Smashers exchanged uncomfortable glances, and in Fox' case, baseball cards.
"Hey, something's happening," noticed Falco, half-heartedly pointing up at the ceiling.
With some difficulty, the Smashers pulled themselves apart from the plaster cluster to watch the new phenomenon. For the millionth time this story, something surprising happened. Everything became considerably brighter, and once a few seconds had passed they found themselves standing in a completely reinvigorated Mansion. Everyone realised the same thing at the same time: this was the reason Captain Falcon had designated this house as their safe house. Only the pile of asbestos lay forgotten in the corner.
"Well, I'm not going to lie," continued Falco. "That sure is convenient."
"Exactly!" smiled Yoshi wildly. "Luigi, this is way cool! Has your house always been able to do that? I wish my house could do that! I'd wreck stuff all the time if it could!"
"You wreck stuff all of the time anyway, dude," pointed out Sonic.
"Yeah, I don't even have a house anymore," sighed Yoshi.
"Hmm, I've got a bad feeling about this regeneration thing," shivered Wario. "People like me have instincts. We know when something's going to be attacked by somebody misguided."
"Misguided, or evil?" asked Yoshi, tripping over his own feet as he turned to glare at Wario. "Because I've got the same feeling, and I'm not an evil Bomberman like you!"
While Yoshi and Wario argued, the pile of asbestos managed to grow outwards and upwards until it was a veritable wall. Then it began to change shape rapidly. Roofs turned to dust once more as the pile became more solid, more metallic, more familiar. At the end of the transformation, the evil Subspace Army machine Galleom stood before the Smashers once more.
"Greetings, friends," smirked Galleom evilly.
"I've got a question," said Kirby at once. "Why is it that every time something big like that happens, nobody does anything? Hell, we only ever have about four or five of us talking at one time. Makes for a pretty boring adventure."
"Very well, perhaps I shall tell you how I knew where to find you!" boomed Galleom triumphantly.
"I didn't ask," replied Kirby.
"Anyway," said Galleom, flicking Kirby aside with a giant, metal finger, "My associate Duon and I have been using the tracking device we planted on him!"
He pointed at Pokemon Trainer with a flourish.
"Nearly three years of being in the story and you still haven't taken it off?" asked Kirby incredulously.
"I don't want to antagonise them," said Pokemon Trainer placidly.
"They're the antagonists! They're already antagonised!" spluttered Kirby incredulously.
"And the listening device in her suit!" continued Galleom, pointing at Samus.
"Wow, that's a plot point that won't die," said Samus.
"I'd like to get my device in her suit," quipped Ike.
Samus forced Ike's head into her Arm Cannon and fired.
"We've been monitoring you for ages without letting the Ancient Minister know!" said Galleom triumphantly. "And now that all that business on the Isle of the Ancients is over, he'll never have to know!"
"What do you mean?" asked Samus furiously.
"I mean I can just kill you right now without explaining anything further to you!" replied Galleom joyfully.
"Oh no you don't!" screeched Zelda, outraged.
"Uh-oh, everyone prepare your blood umbrellas," urged Link. "This will be ugly."
Everyone trembled in fear at the inevitable violence, and for the next thirty seconds Zelda and Galleom waited impatiently (and surprisingly rationally) for everybody to find a hiding place or shelter or both. Unfortunately, a mansion with six readily available rooms turned out to be a crappy place to find hiding places in. They were all forced to watch Zelda and Galleom's physical disagreement.
Suddenly, Galleom fired a single missile at Zelda. Before the missile could make Zelda warm and snug and dead, a blue crystal-like shield enveloped her. She had great difficulty coercing the shield to have its desired effect, but in the end she finally succeeded.
The missile was deflected, and shot back towards Galleom. He was thrown against the wall, his face charred and enraged. Galleom morphed his right hand into a gun, pelting the walls around Zelda with bullets. But his efforts were useless, as the bullets that didn't miss were easily sent back at him by the shield. So Galleom struggled powerlessly against Zelda, hopelessly waiting for any kind of opening to attack.
"Link, what is that blue thing?" asked Samus. "It sure is making this fight embarrassing for Galleom."
"That's Nayru's Love," explained Link. "It uses magic to deflect projectiles. It's definitely one of the perks of living in Hyrule!"
A stray bullet grazed Link's arm, making a tiny scratch.
A torrent of blood gushed out of Link's entire body.
"Of course, having twenty-four hearts is a disadvantage. My blood flow is unnaturally fast, you see," said Link.
"Link, don't throw blood at me!" screamed Zelda. "I'll murder you later, but please, behave yourself!"
Galleom's opening had come. He fired another missile at Zelda, who shrieked and hid behind her conveniently placed gun collection. Every weapon in the pile was destroyed.
"I am about to get so offensive with you," threatened Zelda, glaring at Galleom.
"I'd like to get offensive with you," winked Ike.
Zelda conjured a match using her magic abilities and held it in front of her. Nobody said anything.
"Uh, is this Din's Fire?" asked Link helpfully.
"Shut up," snapped Zelda.
Zelda looked at the match until it burst into flames. Again, nobody said anything.
"Zelda, you can't just waste your Din's Fire matches like that," said Link.
"I swear, Link, I will turn this car right around!" screamed Zelda. "Now let me commit arson!"
"What do you think you're going to do with a tiny match like that?" asked Galleom scornfully.
Zelda threw her match into Galleom's gas tank.
Galleom held up a tiny white sign that read 'Uh-oh'.
Zelda quickly twirled on the spot and created a small whirlwind around all of the Smashers. As they all expected, Galleom quickly suffered a rather painful sounding explosion. The creation of the whirlwind took longer than expected, but eventually Zelda was able to use Farore's Wind to save everybody, teleporting them to the roof of Luigi's Mansion.
The sky had grown red with special effects budget money-er, red with dusk or dawn or who cares. Zelda was not the only one who laughed triumphantly as the Smashers stood atop a pile of slowly regrowing wood around a warm, dark plume of smoke.
"Safe landing?" asked Zelda.
"It was excellent!" beamed Pit.
"Oops, let you live," sighed Zelda. "Ah well, next time."
The worst was yet to come. An uncomfortable rumbling sound resonated through the mansion. To make matters worse, the floor had a minor exploding problem. Colourful language erupted from every mouth as Galleom surged upwards, coming to rest on the roof before the Smashers once more. Mario quickly gave everybody the order they were waiting for:
"Get off-a the roof and run!"
Everyone scrambled off of the roof, landing in the garden below. Nobody was injured, but the chaos and pandemonium involved was really quite large and annoying and amusing to picture. Unfortunately, Popo (yes, the Ice Climbers are in fact characters in this story) was the last to leave the rooftop.
He turned to look at Galleom.
"Aw nuts," squeaked Popo, terrified.
He swung his hammer desperately at Galleom's foot.
"What on earth was that?" demanded Galleom. "You'll be killed quickly if you do that again."
"I have no idea," spluttered Popo quickly. "I think I was trying to overthrow your balance or something."
"Popo-a, get off the roof now!" screamed Mario, panicking.
"Yeah, small fry," sneered Galleom. "What makes you think that you can stop me on your own?"
"Stupidity?" suggested Popo nervously.
"Oh for god's sake," sighed Nana. "I guess I should go up there after him..."
Nana climbed back onto the roof to join Popo.
"You're an idiot," snarled Nana. "Did you have to stay here and try to fight him? What are you trying to prove?"
"Learn from my mistakes?" suggested Popo, laughing timidly.
"Well, now we've got to fight this guy," said Nana. "Good job."
"Have it your way," scoffed Galleom, pounding his fists together.
Nobody on the ground could ever remember the hardly-proactive Ice Climbers taking anything into their own hands before. They all felt sure that their 'friendly' Eskimo companions were done for, as the metal behemoth swung a fist at the pair. Nana forced Popo's head downwards, ducking under the steel punch.
When Galleom noticed that his attack had failed, he turned and began charging towards the two children. Both of the Ice Climbers, one holding strong, one quivering in fear behind her, raised a pair of hammers that twitched as if alive with glittering frost. Both of the Ice Climbers swung their hammers. The Ice Shot technique was executed, sending chunks of never-melting ice towards Galleom. Ice Shot was repeated, over and over.
"Oh, I get it!" smiled Popo weakly. "If the roof's covered in ice, we have a mobility advantage!"
"Yes, genius," nodded Nana. "But we've got more than one move! Hurry up and lead me before he kills us!"
"I'm sorry," said Popo meekly.
Popo pushed his parka out of his face, took a deep breath, and spun around in a circle with his hammer outstretched.
"Both of us, you idiot!" shouted Nana.
"Oh, right," remembered Popo. He grabbed Nana's hand, and the two climbers used their Squall Hammer technique.
"Much better!" called Nana. "Faster!"
Galleom lunged for the blueish pink (pinkish blue?) blur, but they were too fast for him. He slipped on the ice left behind from the Ice Shots and landed face first. Infuriated, he shot rockets at Popo and Nana, but they managed to jump while maintaining the Squall formation, forming a makeshift helicopter.
The Ice Climber-copter came to a halt, as Popo let go of his hammer and tried to grab onto Galleom's non-rocketing hand.
"What are you doing?" shrieked Nana. "Have you got a kink in your shoulder or something?"
"Look, he's got a power supply!" called Popo. "We can freeze it, can't we?"
"If you stop going through the motions and use Belay, moron!" shouted Nana.
Popo landed on Galleom's arm, and threw a rope out of his sleeve.
"Grab on!" shouted Popo.
"No, really?" asked Nana sarcastically, grabbing on.
"Don't even try it!" snarled Galleom. But he was powerless. He couldn't fire at the Ice Climbers now that they were on his body, so he was resigned to trying to swat them off like flies.
Nana swung on Popo's rope, jumping off and landing below the power supply with some difficulty. Galleom at once focused on her. Nana was an extremely small target alone, however, so Galleom took to Popo. Popo desperately hammered around Galleom's arm, trying to harm him in some miniscule way.
Nana rubbed her hands together, took a deep breath, and shot her Blizzard move over the power supply. Nothing happened.
"Popo! Get over here!" barked Nana.
Whimpering in fear, Popo ran down Galleom's arm, narrowly avoiding the other arm's fist. He slid down to the power supply and began applying his own Blizzard.
"I'm scared, Dave," droned Galleom as his motor systems began to fail. "Will I dream?"
Eventually, Galleom's power supply froze over and he lay motionless on the ground.
"You're lucky I have both a gas tank and a power supply," snarled Galleom. "Otherwise, you'd be sorry."
Popo and Nana did not reply. Both of them were exhausted. Yoshi's tongue wrapped around Popo, and Mario climbed up to the roof to retrieve Nana.
"Wow, guys!" grinned Yoshi. "That was incredible! The rest of us would have helped, but ah...y'know...we can't have more than a couple of people being proactive at one time...bad writing, you know how it works."
"Look at it this-a way!" beamed Mario. "That's one key Subspace figure defeated-a!"
Luigi's Mansion collapsed under Galleom's immense weight. Falco took the opportunity to make his way to Galleom's body and check his power supply.
"You guys froze it, but didn't destroy it," said Falco. "You needed to get it colder to completely wreck it."
"How did you know that?" asked Fox.
"The central generator at Fichina," replied Falco. "Remember, it was in danger of becoming ruined due to the temperature?"
"No," shrugged Fox.
"During the Aparoid invasion?" asked Falco. "I was there? You were there?"
"Were we there at the same time?" asked Fox.
"Anyway, I know how these work," said Falco, ignoring his superior officer.
"You answer your superior when he talks to you!" demanded Mr. Game and Watch.
"But you think everyone's superior to me!" protested Falco. "Do you honestly want me to talk to everyone all the time?"
Mr. Game and Watch made an angry noise and began pondering.
"Well, that worked," smiled Falco. "I just wonder where Galleom came from."
"I don't remember s-seeing him at the Isle of the Ancients," added Luigi.
"Were we there at the same time?" asked Jigglypuff.
"Maybe we just missed him because we were hiding in that communications lab the whole time," shrugged Falco.
"Communications lab?" asked Samus. "You know, we got called by the Isle of the Ancients. They have this listening thing in my suit. Do you have any ideas about that?"
"Nah, we just called some chick by accident when we were trying to find Master Hand," replied Falco.
"...So you talked to me," realised Samus.
"Yep," nodded Falco. "You know, you were really rude. I get that you were calling the enemy base, but things didn't have to go so hairy."
"I have a large gun on my arm," said Samus through gritted teeth.
"But at least it was you and not somebody hostile or mean in any way!" laughed Falco nervously.
"Ah, go ahead and kill him," said Mr. Game and Watch. "We're overstaffed anyway."
"I'm happy we called you too, Falco!" smiled Fox, hugging Falco. "Now we can be best friends again and we can go on the rest of this road trip together!"
"Fox, we've only been separated for a few months," said Falco. "After all these years on the team together, that's nothing, right?"
"We have a team?" asked Fox, overjoyed. "Do we solve mysteries?"
"Uh...yes..." replied Falco uncertainly. "...Mysteries."
"There's a clue over there!" laughed Fox merrily, grabbing Falco by the arm and skipping off to a nearby tree.
After this, the Smashers held surreptitious conversations, discussing what to do with Galleom. Some, such as Zelda, were in favour of immediately offering him. Others, like Ike, were in favour of turning him into a 'totally pimped out ride'. Speculation on what Galleom would be worth as a hostage began in earnest. The topics everybody wanted to avoid was where the other Subspace figureheads were, or even when they would strike next.
"We have to cut him up and hide his body!" said Wario assertively. "It's the only solution!"
"Whoas, mac!" gasped Diddy. "Be reasonable! I coulds at least harvest the body for parts firsts!"
"No, he's not dead," said Wario. "Trust me, I know this tactic! I've done it to other people! If his body's still intact, they can rearm it and still manage a respectable jihad!"
There was a whirring noise. Then there were a few seconds of gasping. The ice surrounding Galleom's power supply shattered, and the metal monstrosity climbed to his feet.
"I'm getting tired of dramatically introducing myself," fumed Galleom. "Give me the sociopath and the Eskimo kids. It's time I set an example for the rest of you."
"Shut up. Just stop right there," barked Bowser in a commanding manner.
Mario grinned. This was vintage Bowser.
"This is my kingdom now," snarled Bowser. "You lose. Game over. The princess is mine, and there's nothing you damn plumbers can do about it!"
"What?" asked Galleom.
"Uh, I guess my range is a little limited," shrugged Bowser. "Anyway, uh...tell me the secrets the Toad Brigade are hiding!...I mean, the Subspace Army are hiding!"
"All of my superiors have been highly secretive," scoffed Galleom. "Listen, this isn't Baby's First Interrogation. Just let me take my revenge on a few of your friends."
"Why not me?" smirked Bowser.
"You look like a fairly resistant guy," replied Galleom. "I'm sure you'd be an asset."
Bowser looked taken aback. Wario noticed this, and quickly stepped in.
"Who are your superiors, you wretched pigdog American?" demanded Wario. He spat on Galleom's footplate.
"What is this?" sneered Galleom.
"Also got a limited range," said Wario.
"All of my superiors are at large," smirked Galleom. "You've probably already met them. In fact, the only one out of commission is Porky. He was killed by Wolf O'Donnell in New Pork City."
"Killed?" stammered Lucas. "But he was in the Absolutely Safe Capsule!"
"Something doesn't add up," noticed Ness.
"Who are the other superiors?" demanded Bowser.
"Joe," said Galleom defiantly.
"Joe? Joe who?" quizzed Bowser.
"Joe momma," replied Galleom.
"Oooh, he just torched you!" laughed Ike. "Burn, dude, you got burned! Wowza!"
"Hmm, maybe I'll kill the laughing virgin with the mother issues last," chuckled Galleom. "I think I like the cut of his jib-what are you doing?"
Bowser stomped to the back of Galleom's kneecaps.
"My mother may be fat," snarled Bowser, punching the kneecap out.
"And she may be promiscuous," fumed Wario, as Bowser punched out the other knee.
"And she may be a drug mule," raged Bowser, urging everyone to move out of the way.
Galleom, surprised, crashed to the ground once more, several parts of him cracking due to the force.
"But you don't make fun of her ever," finished Bowser, placing his hand on Galleom's arm.
"Yeah!" smiled Wario triumphantly. Bowser punched him in the face.
"You called her a slut," snapped Bowser. "Shut up. Anyway, Galleom, besides the Ancient Minister, who are your superiors?"
"Hey, Bruiser," coughed Galleom defiantly. "I did your sister."
"No he di'in't!" gasped King Dedede, snapping his fingers.
Bowser placed his other hand on Galleom's arm. With all of his might, and a fair amount of arbitrary roaring, Bowser loosened and eventually ripped the arm out of its socket. He tossed it to the side, and rubbed his hands together in anticipation.
"Can everyone stand back?" asked Bowser.
Without a word, the crowd of Smashers moved back. Bowser quickly grabbed the arm and jumped into the air. Quickly, he pulled himself up on top of the arm, and performed a Flying Slam, shattering the arm as he landed back on the ground.
"Answer him or you lose the other one," threatened Wario as Galleom looked on in shock.
"No! It's too important to our cause!" screamed Galleom frantically. "Leave me alone!"
"Pathetic," sneered Bowser. "Wario, move over."
Wario scuttled away from Galleom, and Bowser placed his hands on the robot's neck. When he was sure everyone was looking at him, Bowser snapped Galleom's head off in one quick motion. Only a few wires remained connected.
"Talk," said Bowser calmly. "Or you're over."
Wario was giddy with excitement. Immediately, he pulled out his best explosives and shoved them inside the formerly-head occupied hole in Galleom's body.
"If you...find any high ranking....members of the Army...you'll just end up...killed..." said Galleom, struggling to maintain steady speech.
"That's still not an answer," smiled Bowser, almost kindly. Suddenly, he ripped Galleom's head apart from the few remaining wires. Bowser idly threw the head from hand to hand, nodding to Wario.
"Oh, this is serious!" beamed Wario. He lit the fuse to his explosives. "Death to the Subspace infidels!"
"In the movies, everything's resolved when the bomb has one second until detonation," said Bowser. "That gives you fifty-nine seconds to answer me."
"Bowser, Wario, honestly!" reprimanded DK. "I studied interrogation at Yale, let me have a crack at this fellow! I can win him over by utilising the classic methods: name repetition, personality mirroring and never breaking off a handshake!"
"Listen, Nard Dog," scoffed Bowser. "This here is a villain's job. We're the best at outfoxing each other. Also, don't compare Yale to Cornell. It's embarrassing."
With that, Bowser dropped Galleom's head on the ground.
"Auxilary power activated!" panted Galleom frantically. "What the hell are you doing?"
"This isn't a very good idea!" shouted DK furiously.
Bowser held the head on the ground like a football. Wario ran up to kick it, but Bowser pulled it away at the last second. Wario flew threw the air and landed on his back.
Bowser swiped at the head, throwing it up in the air again.
"Be reasonable!" urged DK.
Bowser jumped in the air after the head, throwing it under him and performing a Bowser Bomb. The head shattered into pieces and scattered across the ground. The eyes flickered helplessly for a couple of seconds, but eventually they were rendered useless.
"Bowser!" shouted DK. "Why did you do that? We could have mirrored his handshake, or repeated his personality, or-what is wrong with you? What were you thinking?!"
"Sometimes the bad guy's just got to kill something," replied Bowser. "Also, cover your ears."
Everyone hastily clapped their hands to their ears as the bombs stashed in Galleom's body exploded. Plumes of smoke masked the rain of shrapnel. Bowser put on a pair of sunglasses and lit a cigarette on the flames of the explosion.
"So, what's next?" asked Bowser calmly.
"When's the spandex man coming back?" asked Pit. "He's been gone for months! And then back for an hour. And then away again!"
"Captain Falcon-a always has been elusive," replied Mario. "There's-a really nothing we can do but wait patiently-a."
"But we've been missing all of the action!" whined Pit. "Now we won't get any backstory! This sucks!"
"Well-a, we should just be thankful that this Wolf-a guy took a huge chunk of work-a out of our mission," reasoned Mario.
"Wow, I hope we meet Wolf," sighed Pit, going starry-eyed. "I'd love to thank him for all of his hard work!"
"There's a good chance-a that he won't want thanked-a in the way you're-a thinking of," said Mario.
"Ha, good one!" laughed Fox. "If I got that, that'd be a really funny joke!"
"Mario, you're a doctor," sighed Falco wearily. "Please, give my buddy here a lobotomy..."
"That'd-a probably improve him," dismissed Mario. "So, do you think-a we should get rid of all this Galleom-a scrap lying around?"
"Maybe since that murderer Bowser murdered Galleom in cold blood, he should keep the pieces as a trophy," scoffed DK sarcastically.
"Yeah, that sounds good," nodded Bowser.
"No! Redact it! Redact it!" screamed DK frantically.
"We should arrange the pieces into a fear-inspiring message for the rest of the Subspace infidels!" cackled Wario.
"Um, I don't really think we should..." chimed Lucas timidly. "Do we have to make them even more mad at us?"
"What we should do is forget any of this ever happened!" shouted Kirby. "Galleom's dead, guys! Showing remorse just diminishes how much he got totally owned!"
"Kirby!" reprimanded Link, slapping Kirby on the wrist. "Don't speak ill of the dead!"
"I don't have wrists..." whispered Kirby.
"Everyone, shut up!" shouted Bowser. "I'm the one who got rid of Galleom, so I'm the one who decides how to dispose of the body! The rest of you are only accomplices!"
"No, you're not taking me down with you!" shouted DK.
"Yo, my gang used to ice a punk, then we dissolvizzled da bodies in acid n' lye," said King Dedede. "L-dawg, y'all got a bafftub?"
Luigi stuttered and spluttered, shaking his head in protest.
"Well, I suppose it would be easy, if a little chemically impossible," mused Bowser.
"Too late!" cried Popo, pointing at the same horizon all the other events happen over. "He comes!"
"Who, Zalgo?" asked Falco.
"No, Captain Falcon!" replied Nana. "He's back!"
Everyone waited with bated breath as the Blue Falcon zoomed through the gnarled forest. That is, everyone except for Snake, who dived into his cardboard box and sat in the middle of the Blue Falcon's path. The vehicle halted abruptly and Captain Falcon dived out, performing one of his many evasive manoeuvres.
"Who's that lying in the middle of the road?" demanded Falcon. "I could have killed one of you!"
Snake threw the box away and sprang to his feet.
"Guess who?" asked Snake.
"Ha!" laughed Falcon, anger fading from his face. "You crazy sonuva bitch!"
Falcon punched Snake on the shoulder, and everyone gathered around expectantly.
"So?" asked Diddy Kong, rubbing his hands excitedly.
"What?" asked Falcon, bewildered.
"How did you save those other guys, man?" asked Olimar.
"Oh, right!" remembered Captain Falcon. "Well, unlike everyone else who was separated by Master Hand, I never stopped moving. I just remained a drifter, searching for any sign of the rest of you. Eventually, I found a copy of the Subspace Emissary in the pocket of a dead Jeff Probst. Weird, I know."
Wario let out a high, false chuckle.
"Anyway, I read about Wolf O'Donnell, and how he had met Jigglypuff and Ganondorf," continued Falcon. "Now, there's something very important about Ganondorf, so I had to track them."
"What's so great about Ganondorf?" asked Pikachu.
"Master Hand trusted me with that information when he first joined Super Smash Brothers," said Falcon, shaking his head. "I can tell you that it's the reason he uses my attacks instead of his own. Anyway, it took a while, but I tracked Wolf and the others to the Isle of the Ancients, which I heard was the Subspace Army's base of operations. There was a huge battle going on, with a purple explosion covering almost everything I could see..."
"We won, by the way," smirked Mr. Game and Watch smugly.
"I arrived just in time to have Jigglypuff fall off the island and into the Falcon Flyer," continued Captain Falcon. "Then I was able to fly into the hangar and save Falco, Luigi and Mr. Game and Watch right before the explosion sucked up the weird-looking red plane they were trying to fix."
"Rad, dude!" exclaimed Sonic gleefully. "Your timing was awesome!"
"Nothing but sheer luck," shrugged Falcon. "I asked what happened to Wolf and Ganondorf, but they didn't know."
"We still don't!" smiled Jigglypuff happily.
"Don't worry everyone!" said Pokemon Trainer. "Lady Luck saved our friends by guiding Captain Falcon to them; perhaps luck has played into Wolf's hands as well!"
"Exactly," nodded Falcon. "In fact, luck could be the key to winning the war on the Subspace Army..."
I am really sorry, everybody. You should not have to wait from September to February to get a new chapter. Happy Hallowe'en, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and Valentine's Day. Consider this your present.
Again, I am so sorry. I just hope you enjoyed the chapter.