Lawli: What, you thought this fic was dead? How silly of you. It's only been two years since I updated!

...Okay so maybe I did abandon it for a while. And then, back around September when I decided I'd put this on the back burner long enough, my computer crashed and everything I had written (which was pretty much the whole chapter) disappeared. And then school got really busy so I placed this back on the back burner and focused on graduating in time (had to pull a lot of strings and take a lot of extra classes in order to do so). And then mid-April I re-watched Code Geass.

Long story short: it rekindled my love for the fandom and for this story. Last week I graduated Cum Laude with my BA in Theatre. Have a part time job, but still a lot more free time on my hands. Hence, I was able to start from scratch on this chapter, and now here it is – way late but still here nonetheless, and better (I think, at least) than the version that was wiped from my computer when it crashed.

Still might not be worth the wait, so I apologize profusely. There are a lot of things about this fic that I want to go back and edit – scenes I want to change, or want to add. I think I may focus on that next, but I'll still be working on the next chapter too and hopefully you won't have to wait quite so long for it.

Disclaimer: Despite my efforts these past two years, I still don't own Code Geass. FML.

Warnings: BoyxBoy love. Lots of angst. In other words, the usual... ;)

The Charlatans of Circumstance

-Chapter Thirteen-

This is bad.

There were a million reasons for Suzaku to ignore Lelouch's invitation and all the delicious things it implied. If he were a wise man he would turn around now, lock himself in his bedroom and pretend as if this encounter never even occurred – or, stay and demand to know when this charade between them was going to end. They hadn't even been pretending for very long, but every day drew Suzaku deeper into the life of Suzako, and it was getting difficult for him to decipher what was real and what was pretend. Not understanding Lelouch's feelings didn't make it any easier. The idea of those searing looks that sent butterflies aflutter in his stomach being only part of an act that would soon end... Suzaku didn't want to admit how much just that mere idea crushed him.

But what if it was? Suzaku was the one to initiate any form of true intimacy between them. Lelouch was only a man, and just like any man (like Suzaku himself) he was victim to temptations of the flesh. So what if this was nothing?

"Do you love him?"

Suzaku's heart hammered in his chest. The door and its implications didn't even register in his mind for a moment. All that remained was the question that Kaguya had so innocently posed – the question that should have been simple, that Suzaku should have been able to answer immediately. He shouldn't be in love with another man, especially a man who had the unique ability to infuriate him like no-one else he'd ever known one minute, and make him embarrassingly weak in the knees the next. A man who might just be waiting for the opportune moment to throw him away...

Lelouch blinked, tilting his head to the side as his lips curved into a pretty frown.

"Should I not have asked that?" he said.

Suzaku smiled at the rare, endearing sight of self-consciousness in those violet eyes. "No, it's not that. I just..." His voice trailed off as Suzaku tried best to form his inner worries into words. Nothing that came to his mind was anything he wanted to admit right now to Lelouch. The questions he wanted to ask were too difficult, mainly because he didn't know if he could stomach the answers.

Do you love me?

His heart ached at the high probability of Lelouch saying no. If this was all just an act to Lelouch, what would he do? He'd be humiliated. Did that mean Sayoko was right after all?

"I just don't think..." He didn't think it was a smart idea for them to keep being intimate with each other; it would only make things more difficult in the end. But Lelouch never heard the entirety of this fear, for because he could finish the sentence, a warm hand had encircled his wrist and tugged him into the now semi-familiar territory of Lelouch's bedroom. "L-Lelouch! What are you—?"

"Shh," Lelouch hissed, a finger to his mouth as he peered down the hallway. "My mother's coming."

This was getting tiring. Marianne was the one thing Suzaku would be happy to be free of once the charade came to an end. "All the more reason I should just go to my room," Suzaku said, reaching for the doorknob. "It won't be good for your reputation if we're caught—"

Again he was interrupted, only this time by a kiss. It was an excellent tactic, for the moment their lips touched the entire world melted away. Suzaku pressed closer, having somehow forgotten how good it felt to kiss him and now wanting to make the most of it while he had the chance. Lelouch stifled a laugh, pulling away and holding a finger to his mouth.

Sure enough, Suzaku heard the steady pace of Marianne's footsteps approaching from down the hall, accompanied by the quick snap of her voice. She was issuing an order to someone, probably a maid, when she stopped just outside the door.

"Lelouch?"

Instead of a reply Lelouch took a step away from the door, bringing Suzaku with him.

"I heard the door slam, darling. You may as well stop pretending."

"I've retired for the evening, mother, and would appreciate not being disturbed." He flashed that handsome smile, tugging Suzaku's wrist gently until they both fell back against the soft mattress. The bed springs creaked. Outside of the room Marianne huffed in a manner that clearly signified she knew something was up; but arguing would cause a scene and draw attention, and a household staff spread gossip faster than even the nosiest of socialites. In defeat she bade him a curt good-night and shortly thereafter her footsteps faded.

Suzaku sucked in a quick breath as he was pulled into Lelouch's arms. For a man with absolutely no stamina, Lelouch had a surprisingly strong grip. Or was Suzaku's resolve just not as strong as he thought? When it came to Lelouch, he didn't know what to think.

It was easier not to think, in the end. If he closed his eyes, closed the small amount of distance Lelouch left between them and claimed those full lips with his own, his heart didn't feel quite so heavy. And when Lelouch responded to the kiss eagerly, his hands sliding into place on Suzaku's narrow hips, the world finally made sense again.

Suzaku pulled away for breath, emerald eyes half-lidded as he fingered the strands of silky-black hair he'd unknowingly buried his hands in.

The next morning, Suzaku didn't feel like getting out of bed. He had his first dress appointment which Marianne would kill him if he was late to, and he had no doubt the rest of the house was already up and about, but the sheets were still warm from where Lelouch had laid with him through the night and Suzaku wanted only to bask in that warmth for a little while longer. He'd awoken to the blissful feeling of having his hair played with, and in response had curled up next to the source like a cat, almost going as far as to let out a purr in satisfaction when Lelouch acknowledged his consciousness with a morning kiss.

They'd picked up right where they left off the following evening, hands pulled to each other's bodies as if by some gravitational force, exploring, but for some reason it didn't feel right. No, that wasn't true. It felt amazing, and Suzaku's body responded eagerly to the attention. But therein lay the problem. If the feelings were merely physical, he wouldn't care. Lelouch seemed just as excited as him, but what Suzaku didn't know was if there was any emotion fueling Lelouch's actions. He didn't know if Lelouch acted purely out of lust or something more.

Suzaku wanted so badly for it to be more. It was wishful thinking, and he would probably end up regretting it later... but he wanted Lelouch to feel something for him, because right now Suzaku's heart swelled in a way he never thought possible. Just from look from those amethyst eyes made his cheeks flush; one touch made his head spin.

Look at me, Suzaku wanted to beg as Lelouch mouthed his neck. He ran his fingers through raven strands, tugging insistently, but Lelouch continued to kiss down the column of his throat. If not for the sensation of a warm tongue against his skin, Suzaku would have tried again. Please look at me, please see me.

It terrified him, the idea that Lelouch didn't think of him as Suzaku at all. Because whenever they were together, even when alone like this, it wasn't his name that Lelouch whispered.

Lelouch's fingers slid up Suzaku's thigh, the nightdress bunching against his palm and a trill of pleasure raced down Suzaku's spine. He was aching for Lelouch's touch, desperate for Lelouch to acknowledge the part of him that was undoubtedly male, that could not be changed no matter what dress or wig or makeup he wore.

The hand slid closer and closer. Suzaku's toes curled from the anticipation of it. He already knew that warm hand enclosing his sensitive flesh would be bliss; a moan escaped him just imagining it. It was a deep, throaty sound, nothing like the soft gasps that would escape him if Lelouch kissed him in public – nothing like the kind of noise Suzako would make.

Lelouch paused, and then very suddenly pulled away. Mixed emotions swirled in Suzaku's eyes as he watched Lelouch sit back against the headboard and attempt to regain some composure. He waited for an explanation of some kind, trying not to jump to conclusions. But it was difficult, especially with Lelouch's silence speaking volumes on its own.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Suzaku gathered the courage to ask the question that had been plaguing him. It was now or never.

"Lelouch... What am I to you?"

He waited, holding his breath, for any kind of response. Lelouch stiffened, his beautiful eyes widening with something like dread. To Suzaku, it had the same affect as being punched in the gut.

When a full minute passed and Lelouch did nothing but grip the bed sheets until his knuckles turned white, Suzaku closed his eyes and willed the pain in his heart to go away. He'd known all along what this was; why should he expect Lelouch's answer to be any different than what Suzaku knew deep down was the truth: they were using each other. Lelouch needed a stand-in fiancée and Suzaku needed money to pay for Kaguya's medicine; all that had changed since their initial agreement was they were now using each other for physical pleasure as well.

That was precisely why, when this whole thing started, Suzaku never wanted to entertain the idea of touching Lelouch in a sexual way. He hadn't wanted feelings to get involved; and while he never imagined he would actually develop an attachment to Lelouch (he didn't want to call it love, not when it was so obvious now what a fool he'd been) he hadn't wanted to open himself up to getting hurt like that.

"... I see."

It was his own fault. He was the one who kissed Lelouch in the limousine, overcome with joy and gratitude and attraction and not knowing how else to express himself. He initiated the intimacy between them.

Accepting this didn't change the fact that it hurt.

Suzaku tried to laugh. "I mean what was I expecting, a love confession?"

It really was hilarious if he thought about it. Pathetic, but hilarious if he looked at it from a point of view other than his own. Lelouch wanted Suzaku to pretend to be his fiancée to eliminate the possibility of falling in love. Because a person like Lelouch would never want to be with a person like Suzaku –an Eleven boy with no exceptional looks, no money, and no future— that was why Lelouch chose him.

"Suzako, that's not—"

"My name," Suzaku cut him off quickly, rising from the bed to glare down at the aristocrat, "is not Suzako."

And with that Suzaku left the bedroom. He didn't know what he was going to do now, but he couldn't imagine staying in his house a moment longer. The Lamperouge estate had oppressed him from the moment he stepped foot inside. Sure, it gave him a taste of the life of the wealthy but he also had to endure Marianne's hostility and the uncomfortable feeling of being served by his own people. Not to mention he had to pretend to be someone else during the entirety of his stay, and the one time that mask fell he'd been rejected.

You did it to yourself, Suzaku thought bitterly as he descended the stairs, still donned in a rumpled nightdress but not caring enough to change into something more appropriate for the day. Suzaku did not feel like changing into any of the fanciful clothes of Suzako's, and his own clothes were hidden away somewhere at C.C.'s brothel.

Suzaku halted on the bottom step.

C.C.'s... That's where he would go. C.C. knew Lelouch better than anyone – or so Suzaku presumed, considering she was the one who helped Lelouch develop the 'pretend fiancée' plan to begin with. Perhaps she could help him.

Euphemia sat at her usual spot at the breakfast table, cheeks an embarrassed shade of pink as Kaguya relayed to her the most recent developments in Suzako and Lelouch's relationship. Her brother was a grown man, and as such had needs, and Suzako was his fiancée so Euphemia had no doubt they'd done more together than just kiss. Still, she didn't feel comfortable hearing that Suzako had snuck into her brother's bedroom the previous evening.

"Kaguya, how do you even know this?" she said, voice a hushed whisper. It astonished her, the amount of gossip Kaguya picked up.

"I followed her, of course," Kaguya replied matter-of-factly, a proud smile on her face. For a sickly girl, she certainly had her ways of finding out information. Perhaps because of her poor health no-one ever suspected her as a spy. "She told me to go to bed but I just knew she was going to see him."

Euphemia's fingers worriedly encircled the porcelain teacup on the tray before her. "I don't think its right of you to be spying on them. What they do in... in private..." The color in her cheeks darkened and she looked away, not wanting to even think about it. It wasn't even the fact that it was her brother that bothered her so much but, for some reason, the idea of her brother with Suzako. Euphemia didn't understand. She truly liked Suzako, and she liked that Suzako made Lelouch happy. Lelouch deserved to be happy; Euphemia had been praying for years that he would meet someone to bring him out of his shell, someone who could bring a sincere smile to his face. And Suzako was that person. Euphemia could see it in just the way they looked at one another. So why did she feel this burning in the pit of her stomach whenever she saw them exchange those looks, or reach for each other?

"Well, i-it's none of our business."

Kaguya sighed loudly, propping her chin on her elbow. "I guess not... I just know some Britannian nobles hang the sheets out the day after the wedding. At the rate things are going, it might be a problem."

Violet eyes widened. Euphemia didn't think Kaguya would be familiar with such customs, much less the meaning behind them. Such things were adult matters; Euphemia herself had not even been informed of them until she started being courted. Why did she suddenly feel like the younger of the two of them?

"Do you really think so? I didn't think Suzako was that type of woman..." As soon as she said it, Euphemia gasped. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean that as an insult. It's just... Suzako seems so... noble. She's a good woman, good and honest and... so I don't think that she…" Her voice trailed off, Euphemia gripping the bodice of her dress tightly in an attempt to steady the bombarding emotions that suddenly bubbled up inside of her.

Kaguya blinked slowly, studying the flustered Euphemia's face. After a moment she leaned in closer to the pink-haired woman. "Say, Euphie... Do you like Suzako?"

"What?" With her surprise, Euphemia's voice took on an almost shrill quality. She met Kaguya's gaze, horrified, before releasing a shaky breath and composing herself. "O-of course I do. I'm very happy for her and Lelouch, and... Well, like I said, I think she's a good person."

"Hmm." Kaguya nodded. "So what is Euphie's type of person?" At the questioning stare she received, she elaborated. "You aren't engaged, right? So... what type of person are you looking for?"

Euphemia's lips parted, but she froze before any words could be formed. She'd never given much thought to it, truth be told. Her mother seemed bent on marrying her off to a prominent suitor – "about the only thing you can do for the family, with your looks and personality." Of course she used to dream of a handsome, romantic knight sweeping her off her feet and carrying her into the sunset, but those were girlish fantasies she'd long been told to abandon.

But now that she had the chance to dream again... Euphemia closed her eyes, a hint of a smile on her lips as her mind traveled elsewhere.

An image of Suzako appeared in her mind. Suzako, the kindest person Euphemia knew... with her lightly tanned skin and faint dusting of freckles on her nose; her bright smile and beautiful, honest green eyes. Euphemia blushed. The Suzako in her mind was not wearing one of her typical dresses, but men's clothing; was it strange to be imagining her as a man? To think that, if she were a man, Suzako would be perfect – Suzako would be exactly the sort of person Euphemia could fall in love with?

"Th-they would have to be kind, and honest. And... loyal. Strong enough to protect, but gentle enough to never hurt... I..." Euphemia stopped when she heard a chuckle from Kaguya. "What is it?"

Kaguya smiled, shaking her head. "Nothing," she said quietly.

Judging by the look on the Japanese girl's face it was anything but nothing, but before Euphemia could press any further the doors to the dining room burst open, revealing an exhausted Lelouch. Euphemia, unused to seeing her brother in anything less than pristine condition, was instantly alarmed by his bedraggled appearance. Something was amiss.

"Lelouch," she greeted, concern evident in her voice even as she tried to tease him next. "You look as if you need a cup of coffee."

"Suzaku," Lelouch said quietly, his eyes settling on Kaguya. "Where's Suzaku?"

Kaguya was on her feet in an instant. "What do you mean – he's not here?" When Lelouch only shook his head frantically, her eyes narrowed. "What did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything!" Lelouch snapped, immediately on the defensive.

"Well I doubt he would just run off for no reason."

Euphemia glanced between the two, her heart-rate having accelerated at the start of the conversation when the world seemed to flip upside-down with a single revelation. "Um," she interjected hesitantly, unsure if she'd heard correctly or not. "Him?"

"I don't know what you expect me to do," C.C. drawled from where she lounged in Rakshata's usual spot on the sofa.

Suzaku licked his lips, rethinking asking for her advice. C.C. had given Lelouch the idea to hire a man to play his fiancée, and she'd helped Suzaku with his transformation into Suzako, but that hardly meant she cared about the situation. "I don't know," he admitted, picking at the frays in his old jeans. The first thing he'd done once he'd arrived was changed into his own clothes. C.C. had allowed him this, waiting until afterward to inquire as to what was going on.

"Yes you do. You wouldn't have come here if you didn't have an idea of what you wanted." She paused, considering him, and then sighed loudly. "But I can't force him to let you go, just like I can't force him to love you. As much as you may not want to see him now, you two are in this together until you can come up with a way to end things."

"But didn't he have a plan?" Suzaku asked, leaning forward on the sofa opposite of her, green eyes desperate.

As usual, C.C. met his gaze with cool indifference. "Maybe he did."

"Maybe?" Frustrated, Suzaku rose to his feet. "He didn't tell you? I thought you were his friend!"

"When it suits us, yes, we're friends."

When it suited them? What did that even mean? Suzaku didn't know what to think of these people anymore. For the umpteenth time he wondered what had possessed him to ever get involved with them.

Oh, right: three hundred pounds a week, which he hadn't even seen a penny of.

Probably planned to cheat me out of that, too.

... No. Even if Lelouch didn't return his feelings, Suzaku couldn't deny that he was a man of his word. And he'd gone out of his way to find a doctor to treat Kaguya. That counted for something.

A hand against his cheek brought Suzaku out of his reverie. C.C. stood before him, a curious look in her face. "Maybe he did have a plan," she said after a moment. "But did you ever think that maybe, after getting to know you, the plan changed?"

Suzaku opened his mouth to retaliate but nothing came out. He honestly hadn't thought about that. Suzaku assumed Lelouch knew what the end of the charade would be from the moment it started, and was only keeping it from Suzaku until the time came to set it in motion.

"He never got to know me," he pointed out. And even if Lelouch had gotten to know him, it still wouldn't matter. Lelouch clearly would never be interested in him that way. It was fine for him to pretend Suzaku was a woman – he could even distract himself enough with that idea to kiss him – but there were no feelings there. Lelouch would never love him.

"You know," C.C. said quietly, turning her back to Suzaku, "Lelouch isn't made of stone."

There was a lot Suzaku could say to disprove that statement but he didn't bother. It wasn't worth the energy, and, as of this moment, Suzaku hardly deemed Lelouch worthy of the time it would take for him to break down all Lelouch's masks and barriers to see the true person underneath.

Instead, he slumped back down on the sofa and wondered where to go from there. He didn't feel like returning to the Lamperouge estate; the chances of running into Lelouch were too high and, after the rejection and the way he'd abruptly left Suzaku didn't know if he could face the other man so soon. But Kaguya was still there, so Suzaku had to return eventually.

What would he do when he returned? Marianne would be furious that Suzako skipped out on the dress fitting, Lelouch would want some kind of explanation...

And Suzaku didn't want to lie anymore.

I should just tell them all the truth.

Wryly, Suzaku played out the scenario in his mind: returning to the Lamperouge estate in his tattered jeans and T-shirt, swallowing humiliation as he met the shocked gazes of Lelouch's family and announced that Suzako had been him all along.

Lelouch would be furious at Suzaku's disobedience.

Marianne would be livid over being deceived by both her son and a filthy Eleven, but elated at the same time that Lelouch was not truly romantically involved with scum.

Kaguya would be disappointed that there was no love between him and Lelouch after all.

Euphemia would probably never trust him or be able to look at him again. Not that it mattered, because Suzaku and Kaguya would probably be banished from the house shortly after the confrontation and never see any of them again.

And then Suzaku would be in the same position as before: penniless and desperate as Kaguya's condition worsened.

"Hey."

Blinking, Suzaku looked up, surprised to meet the large blue eyes of Kallen Kouzuki. She stood at the threshold of the room wearing one of her usual kimono, red hair wildly unkempt.

"I couldn't help but overhear. Thin walls, you know," she said, her voice uncharacteristically soft as she approached him. Suzaku identified the unfamiliar shine in her eyes as sympathy. He frowned, hating that his predicament was so pathetic he even had Kallen pitying him. Catching his displeasure, Kallen's eyes hardened. "I don't usually do this. And I hardly ever stand up for Lelouch—"

"Then, please, don't bother starting now."

"But," Kallen pressed, "C.C. is right. He's not heartless."

Suzaku's frown deepened. "Well he could have fooled me."

"You're the one who fell in love with him," Kallen pointed out angrily. "You can't blame him if he doesn't feel the same way!"

"And what about you?" Kallen looked thoroughly taken off guard. Suzaku wanted to grin; the look on her face gave everything away. "That's exactly what you did when he didn't return your feelings. That's why you were always so bitter towards him when he was here, whenever his name was even mentioned!"

The pity was gone from her eyes, and at least for that Suzaku was grateful, even if it had been replaced with hurt instead.

"Yes," she said after a moment, voice thick with restrained tears. Suzaku's heart clenched. He hadn't meant to upset her to that extent. "That's exactly what I did. It's stupid and immature, but there's still a part of me that hates him for it." Clenching her fists, Kallen met his gaze defiantly. "I just thought you were a better person than that, is all."

Suzaku couldn't look at her as she made her way out the door. Her final rebuttal rang in his ears.

"If you think he's so heartless, then maybe you're perfect for each other."

Lelouch noticed Euphemia's presence belatedly. How he'd missed that shock of pink hair was beyond him, but his mind had been so preoccupied with at least a dozen other thoughts and he really hadn't seen anything besides Kaguya and, as she was probably the closest thing to Suzaku he would come across he'd rushed right into demanding the boy's location, heedless of anyone else who may have been present.

Luckily it was only Euphemia, who was gentle and kind and, if nothing else, a good secret keeper. So when he sat her down and relayed the story to her in a hushed whisper, Euphemia's eyes growing large in disbelief and bewilderment, Lelouch knew he didn't have to worry about the entire household discovering the truth.

But he did have to deal with her sense of virtue.

"It seems horribly cruel of you," she accused, after the initial shock passed. "Suzako," she paused, a blush tingeing her cheeks pink. "I mean... Suzaku is a good person. He was trying to help his cousin and you took advantage of that."

Lelouch rolled his eyes. This was the last conversation he wanted to have. There were much more pressing matters at hand, such as where the subject of this discussion had disappeared to. It made him feel sick with worry and guilt, knowing Suzaku had run off because of him – because he'd been too afraid to answer a simple question.

"Did you even care about him?"

"What am I to you..?"

What was he thinking? That was hardly a simple question! How could Suzaku actually expect him to answer that? It wasn't as if Suzaku came right out and said "I love you" first...

Lelouch recalled the look in those emerald eyes; the way they had darkened with passion in response to what they were doing. The sound that escaped Suzaku's lips when Lelouch touched him.

Yes he did.

Everything about Suzaku had screamed "I love you." Lelouch had been blind, stupid; so caught up in himself and how his plan was working to realize that it wasn't working at all – it was backfiring.

He hadn't wanted to ask a woman to act as his fiancée, for he'd been afraid of her developing feelings for him. Instead he'd cornered a man with no other options, and he'd thought himself brilliant for doing so, and that same man fell in love with him. And Lelouch...

"What am I to you..?"

Lelouch recalled the feeling of kissing Suzaku. He'd only kissed a small handful of people in his life, and the intimacy he'd shared with Suzaku had put them all to shame.

"...I see."

Lelouch didn't want to admit it to himself, didn't want to believe that he could have been stupid enough to fall for his own trick – to fall in love with the fiancée he'd created to deter his mother from arranging another marriage.

"What was I expecting, a love confession?"

But Lelouch's heart ached now over the crushed look he'd last seen in Suzaku's eyes, at the waver in his voice and the self-deprecating laughter, and the fact that he may have lost any chance of having him.

"...Yes," he realized, throat running dry as he admitted what he'd been too afraid to even consider in the bedroom with Suzaku, when it was the only that needed to be said. "I do."

I love him.

Lawli:Musical inspiration for this chapter - "Runaway" by Maroon 5.

So lots of stuff happening this chapter! I was originally going to wait for Suzaku asking Lelouch what he felt about him, but… it just kind of happened. So I let it happen. Hope the characters don't seem terribly OOC. Been a while since I wrote CG, so I dunno... lol

Also... I had to add in a bit of Euphie crushing on Suzako because, regardless of gender, I just can't imagine a universe where those two don't have some kind of feelings for each other. And Suzaku even thought earlier in the story that if they weren't meeting under these circumstances he could see himself falling in love with a girl like Euphemia.

ANYWAYS... hope you enjoyed this emotional roller-coaster. Thank you for riding and please join us again next time. :)