I think it's time I pandered to a wider audience, so Rebuilding will now incorporate gratuitous nudity in addition to all the cursing and violence. Of course, the people providing this will be the likes of Wario and King Dedede.
I mean, you can't have a years-long romp through fanfiction without getting some fictional characters naked, right?
Rebuilding
Chapter 54: A Prequel Of Sorts
There was a lot of ground for Isaac to cover. Samurai Goroh hurled insults at him while waiting for Jeff to return, and he was having a very good time doing so. Trying not to think harshly of the others, Isaac pressed on, though he made sure never to deviate from Jeff and Goroh too much.
"Come on, Isaac!" shouted Samurai Goroh. "Hurry up!"
"Please, give me some time!" replied Isaac. "This is a big place! Shouldn't you check another direction or something?"
"I am, idiot!" snarled Goroh. "I'm looking straight ahead! That's the first place you expect to find stuff!"
"No, I mean, shouldn't we be doing some kind of grid search, or at least working together?" asked Isaac.
"Isaac, use some sense!" raged Goroh. "If we were working together, we'd just get in each other's way! Stop coming up with stupid ideas!"
Jeff walked up to Goroh and tapped him on the shoulder. Goroh flared up angrily and tried to punch him, but Jeff interrupted him.
"Hello again, Goroh," said Jeff placidly.
"Jeff, what did you find over there?" asked Goroh.
"Well..." hesitated Jeff. "There certainly isn't any intelligent life that way..."
"Excellent, that means we're still the frontrunners for monarchy around here," cackled Goroh.
"There's some guy called Waluigi back there, but he's not too smart," reported Jeff. "A bit secretive though."
"I don't want to figure out another bit of hidden information," scoffed Goroh.
"I think he's working on some kind of secret plan over there," said Jeff.
"Like I'm falling for that line," snorted Goroh.
"Yeah, I thought you'd say that," sighed Jeff, rolling his eyes.
"He's just waiting for the right moment to set off more of these purple void thingys!" raged Goroh.
"But if we don't know what causes them, there's no way in hell he does!" protested Jeff.
"Exactly," replied Goroh. "He's biding his time, poised to betray us all! No way. Besides, Isaac's getting close to figuring out what's going on, anyway!"
"Really, where is he?" asked Jeff.
"He's over there," replied Goroh, pointing several metres away.
"What's he doing?" asked Jeff.
"Help me, Jeff!" shouted Isaac from several metres away. He was becoming more exhausted from running around the wasteland.
"I think this purple sky has something to do with the clanging noise we're hearing," explained Goroh.
"I can't go on!" screamed Isaac, crawling on his hands and knees.
"So why aren't you helping him?" asked Jeff.
"Me?" asked Goroh indignantly. "In this weather?"
"I think I twisted my ankle!" cried Isaac, clutching his ankle.
"But this isn't even weather!" protested Jeff.
"And how do you know that?" demanded Goroh. "Did that Waluigi nut say something?"
"It might be broken!" yelled Isaac, struggling to get up.
"Quit complaining and get over here!" bellowed Goroh.
"Owwww!" sobbed Isaac, slipping and twisting his other ankle.
"Goroh, why didn't you give him this map of the giant purple wasteland?" asked Jeff, noticing a giant piece of paper on the ground behind them.
"Oh, I guess I didn't see that before," admitted Goroh. "My mistake."
Isaac let out a moan of despair.
After a few moments of disorientation, the Super Smash Brothers began to take note of their surroundings. Even the most well-travelled of them had no clue where they were. Mario began ordering people to look for somebody to ask about Lucario, but nobody was in sight. Everyone was stumped, and nobody had anything to say.
"Pit's gay," said Kirby, breaking the silence.
Everyone murmured in agreement.
"Had to say it," shrugged Kirby. "It's like it was foretold or something."
"Does anyone else think that this place looks a little low-res to be 2001?" asked Falco. "Everything's all blocky."
"Look! Up there!" noticed Fox suddenly. "Donkey Kong, there you are! If you're there and you're also up there, that means there's..."
"Why would I be at a construction site?" wondered DK aloud. "I don't remember that."
"You're-a kidding, right?" chuckled Mario. "I remember now-a! Barrels? A-Pauline? Of course-a!"
"Oh, there's another woman?" asked Peach indignantly.
"H-he doesn't respect you," said Luigi timidly.
"...two of them!" finished Fox.
"Oh yeah!" laughed DK. "Now I've got it! It's the construction site where we met!"
"Yes-a, but that wasn't 2001, was it-a?" asked Mario.
"Dialga and Palkia must have tricked us," snarled Captain Falcon. "One of you two better remember what year this is."
"Maybe they sent us into the future?" suggested Popo.
"You idiot, why would the future look like such a hole?" demanded Nana.
"I think this has to be 1985, at least," said Donkey Kong. "So I guess we could just wait until 2001."
"But while we're waiting, the Subspace Army are wrecking the present!" protested Captain Falcon. "We need to go back!"
"Yo, man, I got some herbs that can take you to the future," droned Olimar.
"Shut up, you're not helping," said Falcon.
"H-how did you guys get back each time you went into the past?" asked Luigi.
"Mewtwo can send people to the past and back again," said Ike. "But what he can't do is tell me when I'm going to lose my bloody virg-"
"Ugh, you philistine," scoffed Marth. "Mario, what's the plan now?"
Mario did not pay any attention.
"Hey, Mario?" asked Marth.
Mario was pleading with Peach.
"It was-a before we met!" whined Mario. "She meant-a nothing to me! I love you, Pauline-a!"
"What?" demanded Peach.
All of the male Smashers simultaneously averted their gazes, sucking in air through their teeth.
"Bad move," whispered Bowser.
Now reduced to a feeble crawl, Isaac continued making circles around the wasteland for Goroh and Jeff. Goroh cleared his throat after a few hours, and said:
"Isaac, I'm going to need you to fold away this map,"
"How?" asked Isaac. "This map's huge! I'm not even sure I'll be able to lift a corner properly."
"Your torment will give you strength," assured Goroh. "They always told us that when they prepped us for F-Zero races."
"But I'm not an F-Zero racer," protested Isaac. "What does my torment get me?"
"A punch in the fa-" Goroh stopped abruptly when Jeff threw his arm in the way.
"If you can't lift it, just roll it up," said Jeff. "We don't have time for this!"
"Um, can I even do that?" asked Isaac. "Both my ankles are twisted."
"Of course you can't!" replied Jeff. "But neither of us want to do it either!"
"Kid, cut it up with this!" raged Goroh, throwing his katana at Isaac.
Goroh's katana sailed blade-first towards Isaac, who panicked and sent a hand made of Psynergy to push it away. Jeff backed away, leaving the katana to embed itself in the ground right in front of him.
"You threw a sword at him?" asked Jeff in disbelief.
"Of course I did!" replied Goroh, not seeing what was so inappropriate. "Catch it this time!"
Goroh picked up his katana and hurled it at Isaac once more. He missed, only slicing off one of Isaac's bangs.
"Cut it out!" shouted Jeff, shocked.
"Please, let me try and put away the map in peace!" agreed Isaac.
Isaac bent down over the map just in time for a flaming beer bottle to sail over his head.
"Missed again!" snarled Goroh.
"I don't think I can-" began Isaac, but he was interrupted by a loud explosion. One of Jeff's bottle rockets had hit him and the map. Isaac was blown into the air, while the map was blown into smithereens instead.
"Give me those back!" demanded Jeff, wrenching the bottle rockets out of Goroh's grip.
"It worked, didn't it?" snapped Goroh.
"No, you killed him!" replied Jeff angrily.
"Killed him?" asked Goroh indignantly. "No I didn't, I helped him."
"He's flying through the air because of an explosion," said Jeff.
"It was a pretty good idea, wasn't it?" smirked Goroh.
"Give him some more help!" panicked Jeff.
"Okay, give me back those rockets," said Goroh.
"No, I mean catch him or something!" snapped Jeff.
"Fine..." sighed Goroh, raising his arms. "Isaac, hurry up and fall!"
Isaac slammed into the ground right in front of Jeff and Goroh, strategically using his body to break his fall.
"Saved him," said Goroh complacently.
"No you didn't," sighed Jeff.
"Ow," groaned Isaac.
Goroh chuckled at the whole spectacle.
Tired of Mario and Peach's relationship troubles, Donkey Kong broke away from the crowd of Smashers watching the fight and made his way up the scaffolding to see his past self. The past Donkey Kong was busy chewing on his hand when his future self found him. When present-day DK cleared his throat, past DK raised his head to listen to him.
"Hello, my name is Donkey Kong," said Present DK.
"That mine," replied Past DK.
"It sure is," said Present DK. "I am you from the future. If I remember my own history – and I assure you, I do – you have recently dropped out of high school to work on a construction site, yes?"
"Unf," said Past DK.
"Wonderful," said Present DK. "Well, a few years from now, you'll turn your life around. You'll go to Yale to learn all about the wonders of the world, which brings me to my request. I want you to learn everything there is to know about time travel. Once you do, you will travel back to 1985 and teach your past self everything. Meanwhile, I will wait one hour for this to transpire. After it has, I will return here to learn the information from you, so that my friends and I can undo our temporal and spatial distortion and continue fighting a band of terrorists ruled by the brother of our leader."
Past DK slowly chewed on a banana.
"Did you understand all of that?" asked Present DK.
Past DK tilted his head.
"Of course not," sighed DK. "I forgot how much of an idiot I was before Yale..."
Suddenly, Past DK's fist shot forth and hit Present DK square in the nose. The current Donkey Kong began throwing sissy punches back at his past self, to no avail. Everybody down below began to divert their attention.
"Yo, da two Donkey Kongs is killin' each other!" gasped King Dedede.
Past DK swung both fists on top of Present DK's face, and kicked him in the head. Dazed, Present DK fell off of the scaffolding and landed on the ground in a heap.
"No, sozzizle, da one from yesteryear is the only one killin', yo," sighed Dedede, shaking his head.
Present DK groggily got to his feet, but his past self was already sprinting down the ladders to headbutt him in the face. Past DK picked his future self up and began carrying him on his back.
"I'm seeing double!" gasped Olimar. "That's it, I'm totally getting clean."
The present DK began swinging his fist wildly, charging up a Giant Punch. Past DK noticed this, and quickly threw him off of his back. Before Present DK knew it, he was using the Giant Punch he had charged. Two seconds later, he had smashed his hand against a steel girder.
Present DK burst into tears and tried to run away, but his past self grabbed him. Past DK slammed his head into his future stomach with such raw power that Present DK was embedded in the ground.
"Dag," said Dedede.
"Yo," agreed everyone else.
Past DK began throwing punch after punch at Present DK, who merely squirmed and took every punch.
"When did Donkey Kong become such a wimp?" wondered Wario.
Past DK began to give Present DK a wet willy, using his other hand to take his lunch money.
"Anyway, to answer your question, your situation can be undone easily," said Past DK in an elegant manner. "Just talk to the robot who lives a few miles away. He'll know what to do."
Everyone murmured their thanks as Past Donkey Kong counted his newfound lunch money.
Waluigi may have been the only Assist Trophy in the wasteland other than Goroh, Jeff and Isaac, but nevertheless he was sure he could find more of his Assist Trophy friends. Immediately after encountering Jeff, he had snuck up to the shack Goroh had procured the giant map from. He regarded hiding from the other three as some sort of personal challenge, just to give himself a bit of fun.
The excitement at finding others had spurred Waluigi to find more people, but to do that he needed to finish his odd golf-caddy-like contraption. He hoped Jeff would not tell the others what he had seen him building...
"There you are!" beamed Waluigi softly.
The last part he needed was buried under some miscellaneous junk in the shack. Waluigi pocketed it and scarpered.
Past Donkey Kong's advice had been good in theory, but in practical it proved to be thoroughly disappointing. Apart from the construction site, 1985 seemed to be completely barren. Not even the robot Donkey Kong's past self had promised was at the given location. All that was there was an abandoned warehouse. Dialga and Palkia's gambit had paid off...the Smashers were hopelessly stuck in the past, doomed to eventually return to the present and be sent back again in a never ending loop of-
CHAPTER 1
"Wait a minute..." said Luigi quietly, studying a crate in the warehouse. He wiped some dust away. "This is the S-Super Smash Brothers symbol!"
"How-a can that be?" asked Mario, looking up from a particularly interesting loose thread on his overalls. "The Super-a Smash Brothers don't get formed for another-a decade, more than that in fact-a!"
Luigi pointed out the symbol. Intrigued, Mario prised open the box.
It was full of items.
Newly excited, Mario urged everybody else over to the crate. However, he was rudely interrupted by a opening in the space around the warehouse.
"Took you long enough," smiled Palkia.
"What's going on?" asked Marth. "Why'd you send us here? Where's Dialga?"
"Dialga's already done his share," shrugged Palkia. "He sent you to the past. Now, I think we heard the red man tell his brother that the Smash Brothers weren't established in 1985?"
Mario nodded, confused.
"Well," said Palkia. "You miserably fail in your efforts to destroy the Subspace Army. Each and every one of you is killed. Darkness reigns forever. Mewtwo never wanted to tell you the ending for a reason."
Fox began to cry.
"So, I compartmentalised this warehouse into a location that changes at its own discretion," said Palkia. "Hammerspace, if you want. Dialga sent it back in time to a point well before the Smash Brothers were even thought of. Now, time's cyclical, okay? Just because you lost the fight the last go-around doesn't mean you can't try again, n+1 years in the future."
Fox was now crying out of confusion.
"Yeah, Dialga can probably explain it more clearly," admitted Palkia. "Anyway, I'm going to shrink the entire warehouse to the size of...hmm, the inside of Peach's purse? Nah, wait, did that last time. Got a spare Poke Ball, trainer guy?"
Wordlessly, Pokemon Trainer offered up one of his Poke Balls. Palkia effortlessly began shrinking crate after crate and relocating them to inside the Poke Ball.
"By the way, don't open this until...you know, when you challenged the big bad of the Subspace Army last time, you were underequipped. A lot. Got absolutely massacred," remembered Palkia. "Something to think about. But yep, that should have every item you guys use with the Super Smash Brothers. Finite resource though guys, space isn't cyclical. Dialga's got that one over me."
"So can we return to our own time now?" asked Falco impatiently.
"No, no, not yet," smiled Palkia. "You have to know your enemy first. I'm going to send you somewhere that's important both now and later. It'll still be 1985 though...I'm hoping it'll show you what you're really up against. Then Dialga can send you back to your regular time. Sorry we weren't clear on what we were doing guys, but after so many times watching you die, we get bored, y'know?"
Two things then happened. Palkia vanished, and the Smashers were shunted sideways through space until they came to rest on a lush, unfamiliar island. Everyone was speechless, although that was mainly because spreading dialogue evenly over a cast of thirty is hard.
It was another dull moment in the Subspace wasteland. Except for the fact that Isaac was groaning in pain and trying to massage his own arms.
"Okay, I guess this really is some kind of Subspace place!" smiled Goroh.
"Um, Isaac may be permanently damaged over here," said Jeff, looking at the squirming Isaac.
"Too bad. I've been waiting for a more face-to-face opportunity to hurt that kid," retorted Goroh flatly. "Oh well."
"Yeah..." nodded Jeff absent-mindedly.
"Anyway," said Goroh, picking up one of the few intact Assist Trophies, "Let's summon somebody else to help us get out of here! We could use a fourth guy."
"Why don't we ask that Waluigi guy I talked to?" asked Jeff.
"Shut it," replied Goroh.
Goroh smashed the Assist Trophy against the ground. The figure that erupted out from it was definitely an imposing sight. It was coated in a highly resistant metallic alloy and armed with a wide arsenal of weaponry. It seemed to be able to overpower anything it liked. But unfortunately it was only a foot and a half tall. As a result, the things it actually did like were few and far between. Even the few things it liked were mere passing interests, and I don't remember saying up there that it could overpower anything it didn't like.
"Hey, you're that Ray thing," said Goroh, kneeling down to address the tiny robot.
"Location confirmed: ?. Name initialising: Ray Mark 3," whirred the robot.
"It's me, Samurai Goroh," greeted Goroh. "From when all the Assist Trophies were chosen? Don't you remember?"
"Accessing memory banks. Uploading personality," replied the robot. Suddenly, its speech became less stilted and more fluid. "Ray Mark 3 cannot answer. Please leave your message and I will respond when-"
"Complete joker, this one!" laughed Goroh.
"-I return," finished Ray, a robotic expression of annoyance being downloaded to his face.
Goroh banged his fist against the robot's head, fixing his problems.
"What do you want?" asked Ray.
"We need to work out a way out of here," replied Samurai Goroh. "But unfortunately, all I've got are these two guys. Are you in?"
"Sure, why not," shrugged Ray. "It's not like I have a life of my own or anything."
"Great!" beamed Goroh. "Hey Jeff, Ray's in!"
"Oh cool," said Jeff, not looking up from the wounded Isaac. "Hi Ray."
"Yeah, tell Isaac," said Goroh.
"What happened?" asked Isaac, shakily getting to his feet.
"Oh, you're awake," noticed Goroh. "Ray's joining us, so stay out of our way from now on."
"Can do," replied Isaac, wincing in pain.
"Jeff, you check out the surroundings, make sure that Waluigi guy isn't watching what we're doing," said Goroh. "I'd hate to have Ray viciously shoot him."
"Who put you in charge?" muttered Jeff as he walked away.
"Ray, you're a computer or something, find a way out of here," ordered Goroh.
"Not how it works," said Ray.
"Anyway, Isaac, you missed it due to being injured," said Goroh. "So you should probably sit down."
Gingerly, Isaac sat on the ground.
"We're in Subspace," revealed Goroh.
"No way!" gasped Isaac.
"Yeah, I don't even know how to explain how-"
"I've found a way out," said Ray.
"Hot damn!" grinned Goroh excitedly. "Did you figure out the-"
"Yes," replied Ray.
"Or the-"
"Yes. I figured out everything."
"Talk us through it!" demanded Goroh.
Ray beckoned the others to follow him as soon as Jeff returned, and so the four set off round a little path engraved in the ground. After roughly ten minutes of arduous walking, they stopped as Ray pointed up to the sky. Item after object after thing was pouring down from an undulating hole in the purple sky.
"Just have to wait for something to show up here," said Ray.
"You knew about this?" asked Isaac.
"Of course I did," replied Ray shrewdly. "Now let's just bide our time."
"How long should it take?" asked Goroh.
"Somewhere between three seconds and five years," calculated Ray.
"Ah, okay," nodded Goroh dutifully.
"Where's all of this coming from?" asked Isaac.
"This is Subspace!" grinned Goroh. "Sense doesn't seem to matter here!"
The four Assist Trophies ducked to avoid a low flying couch.
"What the heck?" asked Isaac.
"How are we going to find something useful in all this junk?" asked Jeff. "And why did we never notice it?"
"Look up there!" noticed Samurai Goroh.
With a strain, the hole in the sky erupted, letting loose a small skiff not unlike those used by the Subspace Army. There was no need for anyone to say anything. Just like that, the Assist Trophies knew where the Subspace Army got their supplies.
"That was pretty cool," admitted Isaac.
"Damn straight," whistled Goroh in admiration.
"I don't know," said Jeff. "It definitely seems contrived that a vehicle would suddenly fall out of the sky right in front of us like this."
"No sense of style," Goroh whispered to Ray.
The Super Smash Brothers were good people. Well, most of them were. They're collectively neutral. But they did have a problem with being shunted from location to location, and this was no different. The island they were now on may be beautiful, but it was still enough to anger the Smashers enough that they drew the attention of a local.
"Hello, organic beings!" greeted the curiously metallic local. "Welcome to our fair island!"
All of the Super Smash Brothers stared at the robot, stony-faced.
"We don't often get visitors," said the robot. "People don't seem too interested in the Robotic Operating Buddies."
"Save it!" yelled Zelda angrily. "We're waiting for a big blue dinosaur thing to take us to our own time!"
"Wow, the future sure does sound...exotic!" smiled the Robotic Operating Buddy. "Do you worship this dinosaur? You know, we on this land are no strangers to worship!"
"No, our time follows the doctrine according to Dr. Wright," said Pikachu.
Everyone except the robot glared at Pikachu.
"Well, everyone else is rewriting history," protested Pikachu. "I'm sure in past timelines Zelda wasn't a sociopath!"
"Oh dear, are you all enemies?" asked the Robotic Operating Buddy anxiously. "We're a peaceful people here. War has no place on our island."
The Smashers mumbled their apologies.
"Please, let me take you to our temple," offered the robot. "It's not too far from here, you can rest there. I understand living creatures frequently have to-oh no..."
"What, what is it?" asked Lucas nervously, looking around.
"He is coming again," said the robot, in a tone much less cheerful than usual. "A strange white being who keeps trying to overthrow me. Last time he was here, I lost half of my men."
A white speck on the horizon was drawing ever closer to the island.
"I'm the ruler of this island, you see," said the Robotic Operating Buddy. "It's quite embarrassing, you see. I'm only worshipped because I was the first one built here. I can't even remember who built me..."
The white entity was close enough to flex itself ominously. If robots could grow pale, the Robotic Operating Buddy would have been doing that.
"I'm sorry, we just met," said the robot. "I'm barely comfortable giving orders to the other ROBs, and we've been here for centuries...but run!"
The Smashers turned on their heels and ran down grassy glades alongside tranquil streams. Luigi was the last to leave, being dragged away by Mario, as he had been frozen in terror.
Red lasers streaked across the skyline. The Smashers out in front cried in surprise and flung themselves to the ground, but Mario shouted "It's-a okay, the robots are doing-a it!".
Sure enough, they were. The ROBs were amassing from over hills and firing lasers from their eyes at the white creature as it loomed over the cliffs.
Mario and Luigi kept sprinting, glancing over their shoulders every so often to see that the ivory demon was actually floating and cackling wildly, batting ROBs away with a flick of its...underside.
"Oh no!" gasped Luigi, pointing. The lasers were running out of energy, and the ROBs were frantically taking cover behind bushes and trees.
The leader of the ROBs drew close to the white thing, and began whirling its arms against its pale skin.
"Why don't you understand?" demanded ROB. "We don't want any part of your army! We just want peace!"
"Too bad," boomed the white creature. "Because I've just perfected a weapon that'll change your mind."
The lead ROB activated his jets at once to address his men. "Fall back! Protect the tower!"
"It's a bomb," said the white creature coolly. "Join me or I'll make it explode. Wouldn't that be awful? Your entire island, engulfed in a void of...well, that'd be giving away one of the secrets you'll find out...if you join me."
"Destroy his bomb!" urged the lead ROB.
The other ROBs swarmed their own tower and fired spinning disc-like projectiles at the bomb. But they all bounced off with no effect. This time, both Mario and Luigi stood transfixed in horror until Samus ran back to grab both of their hands.
"Dialga's in the forest up ahead, I came back to get you, hurry!" said Samus, trying not to look at the fight in front of her.
"I'm going to assume," said the white creature, "that your attempts to get rid of my present was a no. Very well. Consider your island destroy-"
"Wait!" said the lead ROB. "I...I surrender. We belong to you. Just don't harm our beautiful paradise."
Mario and Luigi followed Samus through the trees, only hearing the voices behind them as Dialga prepared to send them back to the present.
"Excellent," said the creature. "Although, now that you've sworn to follow me I see no reason why I shouldn't-"
Time swirled around the Mario brothers just as they watched the island erupt in a flare of purple. Just as they heard the cackle of the monster and the anguished cry of ROB.
"What the fuck," began Kirby, helping Link to pull Mario to his feet, "was the point of that?"
"You m-missed it," said Luigi dusting himself off.
"Missed what?" asked Yoshi.
"It-a was Crazy Hand after all," coughed Mario. "He's-a the Overlord. We were in the Isle of the Ancients-a. And ROB..."
A Trophy Cannon was cocked.
"...We don't call the Ancient Minister that any more," droned an emotionless Primid. "None of us former ROBs do."
What an ending, eh? Guess it's time for any of you still left to wait for 2012's chapter of Rebuilding!